The whims and hysterics of children cause a lot of inconvenience to parents. But often adults are to blame themselves, says psychologist Anna Bykova: instead of napping, they drag the baby to the shopping center, or do not warn that it will soon be time to end the game, or do not know how to switch attention. Here are ways that work when a tantrum has not yet started, but may happen soon.
This is most likely not even about hysterics, when a child falls on the floor, hits with his arms, legs, and sometimes with his head, but about any loud child’s crying caused by two reasons: “I want!” or “I don’t want to!”, which is difficult for an adult psyche to withstand.
I divide such crying into three types: whims, demands, protest. The criterion is the child’s awareness of his desire.
If a child knows exactly what he wants and cries for it to be provided to him, this is a requirement .
If a child knows exactly what he doesn’t want, that’s a protest.
If a child doesn’t know what he wants, if he doesn’t want anything, he’s simply annoyed by everything—these are whims.
Causes of whims in children
Reasons why the “whimsy” visits the child:
- Overwork (this can be caused by a violation of the daily routine, a change of environment, an abundance of new impressions).
- Malaise.
- Someone else's bad mood (children are good at reading the emotional state of loved ones).
If these are whims, then it is useless to provide educational influences at this moment. You need to try to calm yourself, calm the child, feed him, put him to sleep - whatever the situation may be.
What causes tantrums in two-year-old children?
Tantrums in a 2-year-old child occur for various reasons. Let's look at the most common ones.
- Physical needs (desire to sleep, hunger, thirst). Frequent whims flare up when the physical needs of the body are not properly met.
- An urgent need to obtain some item. If the desired object, constantly in the child’s field of vision, is unattainable, it can cause nervous outbursts.
- Periodic indulgence of reckless desires. In order to avoid long, annoying tears or an awkward situation that threatens to unfold in all its glory in front of unwitting witnesses, mothers try to “smooth out” the conflict - they carry out the will of their little “master.”
- Inability to explain your painful condition due to a small vocabulary. In this case, the little ones begin to look for consolation in the most beloved and important person, and if they do not receive it, they begin to be capricious.
- Hyperactivity. Most children at this age begin to actively explore the world around them. Behavioral disorder manifests itself in excessive observation and curiosity. Emotions caused by an object or situation (a new toy, watching a cartoon) can be of the opposite nature: laughter appears when there is great surprise, crying when watching a cartoon, etc.
The child is hysterical: what should I do?
Sashka was two and a half years old when he threw his first and, perhaps, most vivid hysteria. It happened at the IKEA store. Children's department. The assembled wooden railway is nailed, like an exhibit, to a vertical board. Sashka wants bright wooden trains.
I give him a box of trains, but Sashka wants the ones nailed down. I explain that they don’t come off. I let Sashka try to tear the nailed exhibit off the wall himself. Again I offer trains in a box. But Sashka wants the trains from the wall. He falls to the floor in hysterics.
I pick him up and put him in the cart, hoping that I can quickly wheel my screaming son to the checkout, pay for the selected item, and then switch my son’s attention from the hysteria to the ice cream. He, continuing to yell, bends over and tries to get out of the cart, throwing the trains in the box to the floor.
And at this moment a stranger woman begins to scream at me: “What kind of mother?!” The child is hysterical!” (Of course, otherwise I wouldn’t notice without her...) Holding Sasha in the cart, I taxi to the finish line. A strange woman is blocking my path. Apparently, so that I could listen to her tirade: “They give birth, but they don’t know how to educate!”
I analyze the situation. If I now enter into a debate with her, I will no longer be able to remain calm: the risk of emotional infection is too high. My psyche can’t stand two screaming people. As a result, I move away from the woman, abandoning the cart with the goods. Sashka bends over in my arms and kicks me.
I leave the store, sit down on the nearest bench, and take the child on my lap. With one hand, hugging, I fix Sashka’s arms, with the other hand I fix Sashka’s legs. And I begin to rock him quietly. Two minutes later Sashka fell asleep.
It was my mistake to go to the store with my child during nap time. If he had not been overworked, we would have been able to calmly come to an agreement with him. Those who are best at dealing with hysterics are those who simply do not provoke them. If I had been smart enough to drive around the toy department, Sashka would not have seen the train.
The “out of sight, out of mind” technique is very effective in preventing the hysteria-demand “I want what I can’t do.” We remove from the child’s eyes what he should not take. The smaller the child, the more strongly I recommend observing this rule. I remember how I took my two-year-old son from kindergarten along a longer route, but we did not encounter any provocateurs on the way: swings, candy stalls and a toy store.
Ambulance during a storm
It is important for mothers to know that every “storm” has its own harbingers. Before an emotional outburst begins, the child’s behavior changes: he begins to look away or to the floor, raise his upper lip to his nose and sniffle. The eyes fill with tears and the first sobs begin.
IMPORTANT!
- If you start acting immediately, the situation can still be saved and the hysterical fit in a two-year-old will not come into full force. In such cases, it is imperative to switch the attention of the “little master” to another object. You can go with him to the next room and look for the hedgehog hiding under the bed, go for a walk or read your favorite book.
- In no case should you use physical punishment (corner, belt), much less shout offensive words. Even at two years old, a child is already a person who is capable of harboring a grudge and, at a convenient moment, throwing out all the negativity on his mother. At a later age, aggression can be expressed by inappropriate actions.
- Maintain the conversation in a firm but calm voice. Be sure to provide reasons for your refusal in an accessible form. For example: “I know you’re angry, but you can’t cry in the store.”
- Teach a capricious person to express his own feelings not in outbursts of emotions, but in words. For example: “Are you crying because you couldn’t draw a car?”
- Allow them to do some things themselves more often, for example, putting toys in a box or sweeping the floor with a broom. You need to make it clear to the child that he is already an adult and has his own responsibilities.
Children's tantrums and attention shifts
— How to explain to your daughter that sweets are not allowed? She has allergies. We explain to her, we say that her tummy will hurt, but she still screams and demands.
- How old is your daughter?
- Two and a half.
- Why not just remove sweets from the house? There will be no temptation - there will be no tearful demands.
— My husband can’t live without sweets. He is ready to give up sweets, but he needs cookies and waffles at home. Yes, I love them too.
I vividly imagined the picture: a little girl in tears watches her dad shove one waffle after another into his mouth. In general, it’s strange that the adults themselves are not ready to give up, but for some reason they expect that their two-year-old daughter will easily give up sweets.
You can, of course, continue to explain to the child that she can’t have sweets, but mom and dad can. Sooner or later she will accept this fact. This is if you have the strength to withstand her crying. Or you can simply not provoke. Eating waffles when my daughter is sleeping, for example.
the “Switching Attention” technique in this situation . Offer an allowed treat instead of a prohibited waffle. It will work if the product is truly perceived by the child as a treat, if it appears suddenly, as a pleasant surprise, and if “Mmm, how lucky are you, but dad can’t do that.”
“Switching attention” is especially effective when used with children. The smaller the child, the more effective the technique. We show the child a new bright stimulus, promise another, more interesting activity, distracting him from what cannot be taken. With age, attention becomes more and more stable, and accordingly, it becomes more and more difficult to switch.
In order to always have something to shift attention to, it would be good to have a supply of “anti-crisis toys” to which the child does not have access. These can be small toys with a winding mechanism. A toy that moves itself easily attracts attention.
When I was working as a teacher, I usually took soap bubbles and inflatable balls for a walk in kindergarten. For some reason it always worked. In a situation where there are ten scoops for twenty children, the cry “I want this scoop, but he won’t give it to me” is almost inevitable. But it was worth saying “Look what I have!” and start blowing bubbles, several scoops that no one needed immediately formed.
A 10-month-old child throws tantrums:
- Hysteria in kids: why does this happen?
- What to do if your baby throws tantrums.
- How to overcome hysterics: little tricks.
Hysteria in kids: why does this happen?
Hysteria in kids: why does this happen?
“My child is 10 months old, and he suddenly started screaming and crying for no apparent reason. Moreover, this manifests itself in front of me; with dad he is much more restrained. His behavior is completely unbearable! Is he manipulating me? - Internet forums are full of such questions; mothers turn to other mothers, a psychologist, or a therapist for advice. Why does even the calmest 10 month old child throw tantrums? Imagine yourself in the baby's place. You still don’t know how to walk or talk, you can’t eat on your own, you can’t even go to the toilet on your own. You are completely dependent on your mother and expect that she will understand you, take pity on you and surround you with care. How to explain your desires and needs? The simplest and most understandable way for a baby at this age is to scream. For a child at an early age, there is no one closer to his mother. He is connected to her by an invisible thread. It can be fun with dad, just like with grandparents, but only mom is the dearest, most beloved, you can complain to her when you feel bad, sad or want to eat and sleep. A 10-month-old child throws tantrums not because he is a manipulator, but at this age, screaming is the only way to express his thoughts and feelings. In addition, by 9-10, children develop excessive curiosity and emotionality. They are simply growing up, they are interested in the world around them, they no longer have only basic needs, but a wider range of emotions. Your child may have sore and itchy gums, if he is teething, he may be interested in a toy that lies on the table in another part of the room, or disturbed by noise from behind the wall.
What to do if your baby is throwing tantrums
The first rule: if a 10-month-old child throws tantrums, look for the reason. A person's thought process at this age is not developed enough to consciously manipulate others. The period of hysterics is very difficult for mothers, especially if this is the first child. But you need to learn to understand what worries the child. Check to see if he is cold, tired or just feeling lonely? Don't ignore his needs, it won't help overcome the hysteria. And vice versa: care and attention will ease a difficult period. Second rule: don't overdo it. Not all the baby’s whims need to be satisfied right now. Any desires and experiences are important for a child, but not all of them are truly important. For example, you cannot neglect your daily routine. Know how to tell your child “no” if his demand is useless or dangerous. In such cases, stand your ground. Leave the room: the baby will not have an audience, and he will calm down.
How to overcome hysterics: little tricks
It is important to understand that children's hysteria tends to grow if they indulge all their whims. Permissiveness gives rise to mental changes that negatively affect a person’s character throughout his life. Here are a few secrets on how to prevent a tantrum before it even starts: • Avoid outbursts of anger and tears. Tantrums are most often triggered by discomfort - the child is tired, hungry, being rushed, etc. Learn to anticipate such moments; • distract your baby. Children react to new things, they like to do something. Is your baby grimacing and planning to throw a tantrum? Give him a ball or another toy, look at something in the window, in a word - switch his attention.
How to avoid hysteria? Agree
There is also a technique that helps avoid hysteria - “Conditional Agreement”. The formula is: “Yes, of course, only later” or “Yes, but...”
“Yes, of course, he will give you a scoop. Now he’ll dig a little, and then he’ll give it to you.” This phrase is perceived with less emotional outburst than “No, he took it first.” When a child hears “no,” he begins to protest, and all subsequent arguments bounce off him. When he hears “yes”, there is a chance to negotiate.
“Yes, of course, we will play, but first we’ll sleep a little, and then we’ll play.”
“Yes, I understand that you want to go out more, but it’s time to go back. Let’s think about what interesting things we can do at home?”
It is important for the child that he was heard, that he was understood and that he was agreed with.
“Yes, I understand that you want compote right now. But he's still very, very hot. Let’s blow on it together.”
“Yes, I understand that you want to go to the store, but today there is absolutely no time. Let's do it tomorrow".
(Just in case, let me remind you that promises made to a child must be kept. It is wrong to promise something that you are not going to do, just so that the child does not cry right now.)
The technique is not universal; it does not always work with all children. But maybe it will come in handy for you someday.
"Drag" technique. We drag part of the game situation into a new environment. To feed a young builder, instead of “Leave the cubes, let’s go eat some soup,” you can announce that the team is on a lunch break. And if you want to take a child out for a walk, who is building a cave for dinosaurs out of pillows, offer him to feed herbivores with fresh greens.
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How to establish mutual understanding with a child regardless of the crises of growing up
It is important for parents to develop a unified strategy for raising a child; they need to argue about how to behave alone with each other. The rules adopted in the family must be observed by all its members, including the baby. You definitely need to explain to him why this is necessary and how to behave. It is important for parents to ensure that these requirements do not contradict each other.
If your child continues to misbehave, you should ask him why he is doing it the way he is. Perhaps the baby misunderstands what exactly he should do.
Before you conflict, think about how important it is now to get him to obediently perform this or that action. If a child is subjected to a huge number of comments and reproaches every day, then over time he simply learns to ignore them. If everything was done, he would turn into a robot. Children, first of all, are brought up by personal example, and not by words.
If parents are not in a good mood, they should explain to the child that it is not because of him (feeling unwell, something is wrong at work). If you tell your child that the parents will rest and everything will return to normal, he will wait. Under no circumstances should you take out your fatigue and irritation after a working day on your children at home. Your boss has pissed you off, but you can’t tell him to his face? Is it possible to “discharge” this on a defenseless child? Rest and then take care of your child.
Advice: If a child puts on a “performance” in the presence of other adults and parents, the best way is not to explain why this is not possible, but to divert the attention of the “actor” and deprive the audience of it.
Talk to him about the problem abstractly, and it is better if you imagine this situation in the form of a fairy tale with animal characters. For example, write a story about a squirrel who didn’t want to brush his teeth and they got sick. Then I had to go to the beaver dentist (if the child is capricious and does not want to brush his teeth), etc. Don’t tell him it’s about him, he’ll definitely figure it out on his own.
Pay more attention to your baby, hug him as often as he needs. Say you love him. Worry about his failures, use words of support and understanding.
A trusting, loving relationship with a child is what all happy childhood memories are based on. This is what parents are obliged to give to each of their children. Feeding, clothing, developing - all this is not so important. The baby will understand the lack of any toy if you cannot buy it, but at the same time you love him and can sincerely talk about it. At the same time, buying new things will never replace parental attention - it is only the path to new conflicts at an older age. (“Why is my child so ungrateful? After all, we do everything for him, we buy everything he wants!”).
Accept your child for who he is. If at 4 years old you focus on his best qualities, then at 5 years old he will definitely become even better. If you pay attention primarily to his shortcomings, they will develop, but there will be no more positive qualities. What we nourish is what we grow.
Respect the interests and personal space of the child, he should feel his importance. Be happy with what he does for you, even if he messes something up in the process.
To avoid hysteria, warn in advance
There are many tears when a child is engrossed in a game, but adults need to interrupt this game for some reason. Either it’s time for dinner, or to go home, or to sleep. It can be difficult to stop the game instantly, and the “Warning” technique is suitable here.
It is better to warn the child in advance, give him time to finish, and help bring the plot of the game to its logical conclusion. In order for the pyramid to be assembled, the train had time to complete its route, all the fairies returned safely to their cribs, and the winner was determined in the robot duel.
After all, it can also be difficult for us, adults, to suddenly switch from one type of activity to another. It takes some time to pause the matter, bringing it to its logical point. Finish a chapter, finish a letter, finish watching a news story, finish cleaning. It is clear that if something emergency happens, we will drop everything and run. But it will be stressful.
For a child, a sudden switch to another activity is also stressful. He reacts to stress with tears. If nothing urgent has happened, I think it is possible to show respect for the child’s activities and help complete the task he is currently busy with.
This technique also works with older children. There was a period when I was very annoyed that I had to wait a long time for the children to come to the table, calling them several times. They usually came running after an ultimatum: “If you don’t come now, I won’t feed you!”
Once, while visiting my mother, I myself found myself in the role of such a child. Mom called me to the table, and it was very important for me to finish the chapter before the thought flew out. I was so carried away by the completion process that I only woke up to the question: “It’s almost cooled down. Should I warm it up? Or should I put it in the refrigerator already?” Since then, I began to agree with the children when (what time) we would have dinner, so that they would try to complete all their work by this time.
