28 Nov53318
Maryana Oleynik : My Yurka is my biggest teacher in this topic. His dad died when he was one and a half years old, and already at two I began to regularly leave him with my grandparents because I needed to continue studying. Then I saw in higher education at least some kind of stronghold of my future financial stability. But Yura was not at all ready for this, I left through terrible tears, tearing him away from my feet, and I myself was still crying at the entrance before going to the university.
A year later, I left him there for a week with overnight stays, and since I live two hours away from there, and I can’t be there, much less overnight, we didn’t see each other then. And then breastfeeding ended. Plus, the unspoken or even public - I don’t know - extremely negative attitude towards me there clearly irritated the little person who was looking for support in the omnipotent, ideal Parent.
And then (before too, but especially after) Yura began to have hysterics. By the hour. One and a half. Day and night. With wallows on the asphalt. On the floor of the subway, in a puddle. Floundering feet. Squealing. Undressing. Biting. Pushing me away and shouting: “Go away, bad mom! I don't need you! You do not love me!". And at the same time, I absolutely, just instinctively knew how much he needed me.
How much he dreams of me making him feel needed and loved. But any attempt to hug him, to caress him, was perceived by him as a burn. He is no longer safe, it was too painful to open up to my affection, because what if I leave him again and his world will collapse again? It’s safer to hate and reject, not to let into your soul.
I have come a long way towards restoring his trust in me. We still have relapses to this day. I still sometimes break down. But nevertheless, we are moving towards rapprochement, and now we are in a “good” period, and I want to consolidate and share the experience that I have acquired. Moreover, it works and is applicable to any relationship, not only in a child-parent pair, but also in an adult-adult pair, where each of us sometimes feels like a child in relation to the other, so big and significant for us.
Definition of hysteria
From birth, a close emotional relationship is established between mother and child. The baby unmistakably recognizes the woman who gave him life by her voice and hugs, and especially needs her affection, care and love.
Babies react very sharply to their mother’s mood swings.
If she is upset, worried, scared or worried, the child will definitely feel it and begin to worry. A special unity remains even in adulthood, so many mothers find it very difficult to let their children go into independent life.
Hysterics are strong emotional outbursts, during which the mother does not always behave adequately, screams, swears, cries loudly and waves her arms. At this moment, it is very difficult for the fair sex to control themselves; they get rid of the accumulated feelings of fear, mental pain, sadness, uncertainty - from all those negative experiences that they cannot cope with.
During hysterics, women are not aware of their actions and find it difficult to calm down without outside help.
Hysteria has the following development mechanism:
- as a result of external factors or internal experiences of a woman, which arose in the process of active mental activity with constant “chewing” of negative emotions, there is a strong impact on the nervous system;
- the mother begins to irrationally perceive any events and the attitude of the people around her, thinking up and attributing to her family and colleagues thoughts, feelings and actions that are unusual for them;
- over time, the situation worsens, as the woman’s psychological state heats up, the colors become thicker, and experiences accumulate, which leads to an emotional explosion.
The resulting closure turns off the voice of reason, leading to inappropriate behavior during hysterics, loud screams, crying, and sometimes a nervous breakdown.
Often, hysteria can be a manifestation of various mental diseases or the result of problems with the nervous system. Sometimes such behavior is a character trait: for example, due to lack of self-confidence, excessive compassion. Psychologists call such patients “hysteroids” and emphasize the fact that it is important to be able to distinguish a hysteria caused on everyday grounds, in order to clarify relationships, from a clinical one, which is based on impulsive manifestations of personality.
Women susceptible to hysteria have a delicate mental organization and an easily excitable psyche.
Being self-centered people, they are focused only on their experiences, so they allow themselves to throw a tantrum from time to time.
Often, mothers’ tantrums become a way to effectively manipulate children. Over time, this model of behavior becomes fixed at the subconscious level: without realizing it, a woman will behave in a similar way every time she needs to achieve a certain reaction from a child.
Why understand parents' mental disorders?
You may be wondering why bother delving into the reasons for inappropriate behavior? Isn't it better to just run as fast as you can from such a person?
The point is that understanding a problem is the path to solving it. First of all, the patient's condition can be improved with the help of medications, psychotherapy and a healthy lifestyle.
There are many cases when domestic scandals and hysterics stopped after a course of well-chosen pills. Anxiety, irritability, chronically low mood, outbursts of aggression, insomnia - all these are symptoms that you can really get rid of.
Even if it is impossible to convince your parents to undergo treatment, you can change your attitude towards their antics: perceive them not as evil tyrants or unfortunate martyrs, but as unhealthy people from whom it is useless to expect adequacy.
The most reasonable strategy in dealing with mentally ill parents is not forgiveness (which many psychologists like to advise), but acceptance.
Causes of female hysteria
To cope with hysteria, you should know the main factors that influence its development. Let's take a closer look at the reasons that cause hysterics in mothers.
- Problems with the nervous system. Due to the peculiarities of the development of the central nervous system, a woman may be prone to increased irritability and nervousness, which will lead to constant scandals, screams, showdowns, unfounded suspicions and claims. This reason can only be determined by a psychotherapist who, after conducting a diagnosis, will select psychocorrection methods that will help the patient cope with her emotions and not lash out at people around her.
- Hormonal disorders. Experiencing a decrease or increase in hormonal levels (during pregnancy, menopause, during PMS), women become especially sensitive and vulnerable, and are subject to constant mood swings. The feeling of unreasonable anxiety and worry gives way to depression, and then a period of hyperactivity.
- Emotional release. Often, a mother’s hysteria is an effective way to throw off negative energy and relieve emotional stress. After a fit of hysteria, a woman may feel guilty for her behavior and try with all her might to make up for the negative impression she made on her child and family. An alternative way to cope with a bad mood would be to indulge in a healthy lifestyle, dancing, drawing - you need to find a hobby that will help you take your mind off family matters, relax and reduce the nervous load on the body. In many cases, hysteria occurs due to a feeling of unfulfillment, when a woman is completely absorbed in everyday life and raising a child, and she does not feel the necessary support, love and respect from her husband. Forced maternity leave, numerous family responsibilities, the feeling that no one understands or appreciates her, aggravates the mother’s psychological state, which causes regular hysterical fits.
- Stressful situations. The modern rhythm of life, problems at work, constant conflicts in the family, raising a child provoke stress. A constant feeling of fear, anxiety, worry about any reason depresses a woman’s consciousness and leads to hysterical attacks.
Understanding the reasons that led to hysteria will help correct the situation, build a healthy relationship with the child and strengthen the family unit.
Schizophrenic parents
“My father was always a cold and distant person; he seemed to live in his own world and was not too interested in me. Never asked how I was doing, never even looked me in the eye. But at the same time, sometimes he began to suspect me of some strange things and carried out real interrogations. It was impossible to convince him that I did nothing of the sort. If I cried, it confirmed that I was lying; if I remained unperturbed, even more so.”
Scientists talk about the existence of a whole spectrum of schizophrenic disorders, which includes not only classic schizophrenia with attacks of psychosis and “voices in the head,” but also less severe disorders, for example, schizoid and paranoid disorders. According to the medical classification, these are personality disorders, but their manifestations are in many ways similar to those of schizophrenia, although much less pronounced.
They manifest themselves in a specific character and thinking disorders.
Such people are withdrawn and focused on their experiences. They are not capable of close, warm relationships and empathy for others. Their thinking is impaired to varying degrees; their statements often lack logic and meaning.
Many of these people are suspicious and suspicious, even to the point of attacks of paranoia - they are sure that someone wants to harm them, and they need to escape from this at any cost. In such cases, they either “save” their children, or they are accused of evil intent. Paranoia is not always obvious to others: these are not necessarily ideas about being persecuted by aliens or the CIA, but, for example, very detailed (and completely fictitious) stories to neighbors about how the daughter stole jewelry from her mother or is driving her out of the apartment.
Evgenia Bogdanova:
“What has a particularly bad effect on children is that parents with schizophrenic disorders communicate with double messages. For example, mom says: “Get out of here!” And with all her appearance she shows that you can’t go anywhere. Or a minute later: “Wait, did I tell you to leave?” For a child, this conflict is insoluble, he does not know what to do or what to believe.
To survive in the family, he has to be obedient and quiet. This is a comfortable child who is very afraid of doing something wrong. As he grows up, he becomes a withdrawn loner.
This is a typical “black sheep”; it is difficult for him in society. Often these are bright, interesting people, but completely closed, emotionally unavailable. In relationships, it is difficult for them to open up, they repeat the illogical behavior of their mother: they attract, then they push away, they cannot believe that they are really loved.”
How to help schizophrenic parents. Schizophrenia is a serious progressive disease; over the years it often leads to personality degradation: passivity, depression, and indifference to the environment increase. Such a person needs regular monitoring by a psychiatrist and constant medication. Carefully selected modern drugs allow you to avoid severe side effects. By old age, many patients lose the ability to care for themselves, and then they will need the help of a social worker or nurse.
Unfortunately, it is often impossible to convince an elderly and very suspicious person to undergo treatment. In this case, it is better to give up trying to save your parents and focus on helping yourself.
Features of behavior during hysteria
Mothers prone to hysteria are prone to mood swings. Any little thing can make them feel irritated and indignant. The child has not cleaned his room, is capricious and does not obey, has not done his homework on time, has not answered when asked - all these events instantly throw them off balance and lead to a scandal.
This behavior is the result of accumulated fatigue. Mom is forced to work a lot, which is why she spends little time with her child, does not have time to raise him, entrusting him to the care of his grandparents. As a result, she begins to experience a strong feeling of guilt, shame, and increased nervousness. The woman’s relationship with her husband deteriorates, and she begins to quarrel with her parents, who keep repeating about the improper upbringing of their grandson.
Here, hysteria is a natural result of prolonged overwork and the stressful situation in which the woman finds herself. Experiencing internal discomfort and not being able to cope with her conflicting emotions, a mother can flare up and throw out all the accumulated negativity on the child.
It is not difficult to establish that the true cause of hysteria was a stressful situation.
Such outbursts occur with a certain frequency, and after the hysteria the woman calms down and feels normal for some time.
If you are prone to hysteria, existing psychological problems will be visible to the naked eye. In this state, the mother cries a lot, gets offended over trifles, ignores all attempts by her family to talk about the reasons for her bad mood, and overly dramatizes the events that happen at home.
If hysteria is a consequence of the woman’s character traits, then it will be much more difficult for relatives to understand the cause of the hysteria. Under the influence of their mood, representatives of the fair sex can cause scandals and showdowns, showing excessive theatricality, wringing their hands, shouting ultimatums. During hysterics, they do not pay attention to what their family members tell them, continuing to insist on their own.
Such behavior has a negative impact on the child. The baby will either do his best to avoid such situations and get away from the existing problem, or he will be ready to do anything just to please his beloved mother and make sure that she does not worry.
Mothers in a fit of hysterics do not think that they are harming the fragile child’s psyche by being a bad role model. As a result, children may close themselves off from their parents, not wanting to share their experiences and feelings with them.
As a result of this behavior, the child develops numerous complexes and fears, self-doubt, weak character, and may have difficulties communicating with other people and creating relationships with the opposite sex. Having barely reached independent age, the child will try to leave his parents and begin to lead a separate life, rarely being at home.
There is only one way out of the situation. Do not turn a blind eye to the existing psychological problem, but do everything possible to solve it. By seeking professional help, a hysterical mother can not only understand the reasons for her behavior, but also learn to cope with negative emotions and solve her own psychological problems.
My mother is hysterical and manipulative.
Question for a psychologist:
Good afternoon I want to talk about my situation, listen to advice and opinions. The result is a large text, but nothing short.
My parents and I always lived in an apartment with my grandparents (my mother's parents). Throughout my childhood, I remember how my dad tried to persuade my mother to move out, in response - hysterics, scandals, her parents came running, took her side and the issue was closed. At the same time, my mother was constantly dissatisfied, dissatisfied with her parents and their actions. As a child, until about 5th grade, I didn’t even have my own room. I slept with my grandmother. My grandmother was a wonderful person, kind, sympathetic, hospitable, she loved me very much, and so did my grandfather. As a child, I was very attached to them and moving somewhere with my parents was also a very painful issue for me. Somewhere from the moment when I was in elementary school, my dad began building a house in the country. He developed the project himself, built everything himself. And after the house was completed, my grandmother and grandfather began to live there from spring until late autumn. Next door was the dacha of other grandparents; on my father’s side, they also lived in the dacha. And it seemed like at such moments everything was fine. On weekends, holidays, vacations, I also went to the country. But when my grandparents moved home, my mother began to snort, hysterical, and again became dissatisfied with everything. When in the spring they moved to the dacha again, my mother began to cry again because her parents were leaving. Those. her hysterics accompanied every event in the house. At the same time, she didn’t lift a finger to change anything and somehow improve her life. Moreover, someone’s attempts to improve were again accompanied by hysterics, and it didn’t matter whether it was connecting to the Internet, buying a phone, a washing machine, or something else. At first she is always against everything, constantly saying that it is not necessary, “our girls at work have it, and everyone is suffering.” However, as time shows, those same “martyrs” live well in modern apartments, while in our country everything is still old.
So the years passed, and over time the grandparents began to live in their dachas all year round. And if in the summer my mother still went and supposedly helped there with something, then from late autumn only my dad provided help (bring coal, take them somewhere, help with heating, repairing something and other everyday issues). During this period, my mother saw her parents once a week, on Saturdays, when my dad brought them. And during the week, her communication with her own parents was only by telephone.
Meanwhile, I grew up, and, in accordance with my age, the necessary needs appeared. And then it was like this: mother, of course, was against everything. No arguments had any effect on her, and much of what I got from my desires came through a scandal. For example, go to a disco at school, which happened 2-3 times a year. Every time I was going there, I heard one phrase: “Well, this time I wouldn’t have to go.” All. A curtain. My mood deteriorated and I went to the disco all upset. Now, after years, I understand that it was manipulation, that perhaps she expected that after these words I would really stay at home. But why??? What's wrong with your daughter going out dancing??? The same thing happened with many other things. The whole class goes to the cinema, which is located across the road - I can’t. The whole class went to the pool - “what else?” It should be taken into account that I love swimming since childhood. The ability to swim, by the way, is one of the few things I learned in childhood. Well, dad insisted, because... and he loves to swim. Otherwise, she didn’t even want to listen to anyone’s arguments, hysterics immediately began and everyone preferred not to argue in order to keep her quiet. And if they did achieve something, it would certainly be through a scandal.
At the same time, it must be said that my mother herself was never particularly busy with anything. At work - until lunch, then constantly, constantly at home. No development, no desire for anything. At the same time, there is still every desire to ruin the aspirations of others. Do you think the house was sparkling clean? Nothing like that! Mom didn’t have time to do anything all the time; she had no time all the time. Any attempts by dad or grandma to tell her that she needs to clean up, that it’s a bit dirty, of course, leads to hysteria.
There is one more thing I need to say. As a child, I was never home alone. Never. Coming home from school, my grandmother, grandfather, and mother were always at home. Those. Until grade 7, they generally picked me up from school. Then immediately music school. They didn’t instill any independence in me; they cleaned up my toys and dishes, packed my school bag, etc. To dad’s attempts that the child needs independence, that there is no need to take care of her so much. That she should already do a lot herself, it was said that she, well, that is. I, still little, will learn later. Of course, when three adults think so, no one supported my father’s opinion and, no matter how hard he fought, I was still not allowed to do anything myself.
The same thing THEN came when, after finishing school, I met a young man. Of course, mom threw an incredible scandal. She screamed, became hysterical, “I don’t need boys at 16,” insulting me with the last words. Here, however, everyone came to my defense - my father, my grandmother, and my grandfather. What didn’t stop my mother in this situation and she continued to put pressure on me in every possible way, say nasty things, just so that I would break up with him. I didn't break up. I won’t say that this relationship was what I would have liked. No. But thanks to this man, I finally felt like an adult, he developed many good qualities in me, in particular, independence. It was thanks to him that I developed aspirations for something new, thanks to him I began to develop, pay more attention to my appearance, and be more interested in something. Mom, of course, didn’t like all this. Since, after graduating from school, I went to study further, then, of course, I began to grow up somehow. But my mother didn’t need me growing up; if some kind of scandal broke out and I tried to talk calmly and not yell, the words “have you become so smart?” were uttered. Naturally, after this I was choked with wild resentment. Because she herself lived without any development and any development of her family members was not supported, but, on the contrary, as they say, spokes were put in the wheels.
Time passed, I started working. Here, I must say, my mother’s “fi” was also involved. I was offered several jobs, but my mother categorically did not let me go there. One organization had a predominantly male team. Well, God forbid I should work in such a place. I'll shake hands right away. Well, isn't it nonsense?! In another place, for the first months it was necessary to work from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. Then they switched to a regular schedule from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Well, what do you mean, “I haven’t had enough yet, there’s nothing to do at such a job.” And this is how it is all the time and in everything. It seems that it would be happiness for her if I stupidly sat alone at home for days.
A few years ago my grandmother passed away. Of course, this is a very sad event. But for my mother it simply took on the dimensions of a catastrophe. She said that she had no reason to live anymore, that life was over, etc. On top of everything else, my grandfather began to live with us again. And at that time I was already 27. Realizing that the apartment would simply be a madhouse, I decided to rent and live separately. Oooh, I haven’t heard enough from her! And that I don’t respect her, and that I don’t care at all, and that if I leave, I won’t have a mother anymore. Dad, too, was not delighted with my intention, but did not shout, he simply calmly explained his opinion to me and tried to calm my mother down. Well where there! It broke up and pots in the kitchen began to fly, allegedly accidentally falling. In general, I didn’t move anywhere then. I have become so tense at home that I simply have no strength. The relationship with my boyfriend began to deteriorate, and a year later we broke up. Partly because I couldn’t move away from my parents. There was simply no place where we could be alone. And this is almost 30 years old.
A year ago my grandfather passed away. Mom seemed to calm down a little. Oh, yes, dad finally spat on her opinion and is building a house on the site. A real, big house. He had wanted this for a long time, but his mother prevented this in every possible way. I support my dad completely, I respect him, I appreciate him. I believe that he could achieve more in life if his wife supported and helped him.
Now I'm 31 years old. I have not been in any relationship for more than 3 years now. At all. My whole life is work and then home, on the couch. That's all. They still don’t let me in on any household chores. And, to be honest, there is simply no desire to do anything in this apartment. The apartment has never had a proper renovation; there are things from Soviet times. Why was there no repair? Yes, because my mother did not agree to normal repairs, well, as usual, hysterics, scandals, reluctance to change anything. And now there is no money for this, because... The house is being built and it is clear that it is very expensive. So, after work, go home, well, once a month, manicure, hairdresser, eyelashes, swimming pool every week, go shopping, sometimes sit in a cafe with friends, go on a visit, corporate parties for the holidays. And nothing makes me happy anymore. Neither buying another 155th dress, nor a new hairstyle, just nothing. Last year I decided to get a second education and started studying. I didn't tell my parents. I could, of course, tell dad, but then mom would have to, but I don’t want to. I don’t want her to know, I don’t want any of her questions. In general, if there is an opportunity to do something and not report it, I do so.
I simply can’t stay in this apartment anymore. In the summer, realizing that vacation was coming, I was not happy, but fell into such fear that my blood pressure began to jump. As a result, I spent the entire vacation seeing doctors, started taking pills, and all the doctors said in unison that everything was fine with me, my tests were normal, but the problem was in my head, that it was all nerves and I just needed to change my life. One doctor, looking at me in surprise, said so: you need to get married and have a child, at your age it’s time. If only he knew that at my age I haven’t had sex for more than 3 years, where do the children come from?
But there is nothing and no one for the simple reason that I am ashamed. It's a shame that at this age I live with my parents. It's a shame that the apartment is not renovated. Yes, it’s just elementary, there’s no point in starting a relationship with someone if I don’t even have a place to invite a person to visit! My mother is always at home.
As a result, I have now decided to rent an apartment and move out from my parents in order to finally start living an independent life. Moreover, there is a good option for an apartment in the area that I have always liked. I told my dad about this, hoping that he, as an adequate person, would support me. The reaction was not exactly supportive of me. It seems that he does not deny that I am already an adult, and that I should have my own life. But. The phrase “why am I building a house then, is it in vain?” Of course, this made me very sad. I explained that nothing was in vain, that this was his dream, his goal, that how does everyone live and communicate with their parents? I asked, how did he think that I would live in them all my life? Well, no, he says, but still. After that, I simply lost all mood. My parents don't support me. Why? Why doesn't anyone think about how to live for me? Why do I constantly feel guilty about them? And for what? Because I want my own, normal, happy life? My years pass and nothing changes for the better. I don't rest on weekends. I go to work on Monday all broken. Outside the apartment, anywhere I feel comfortable.
Yesterday I told my mother about my decision. At the same second tears. Hysterical for 2 hours. I beg you, don't go. Mom, I say, I’m 31 years old. Well, wait a little longer! What? How many? Well, wait until we finish building the house. I say it’s another 1.5-2 years. She doesn't care. She started wailing throughout the entire apartment, calling her mother “mama mummy.” And I sit and understand that this is her eternal behavior. This is how she always achieved her goal. Hysterics. Grandma is on her side. Dad is the loser. And now she is trying to hold me back in the same way. I just felt disgusted. I listened to this for 2 hours and tried to talk to her. She asked, what about me? What about my happiness and my life? Doesn't she wish me a good husband and children? And other questions. I did not receive an answer to a single question. Those. she does not care. She doesn't care. How is my life, how am I, how is mine and what. She just doesn't care. She is only interested in her own desires. More precisely, one thing - so that everyone would not do anything, but sit quietly next to her. In worthlessness, aimlessly, so that no one has success or any kind of development. Just so that, most importantly, they sit around her.
I can write a lot more about how she behaved, what she said and how she howled in hysterics. But I simply have neither the strength nor the desire. I know that I shouldn’t give in to her provocations. And I won't give in. Because I know that if I stay with her even a little longer, I can forget about my life. I'm very sorry for dad. I love him so much. I am ready to help him in everything, to support him. I know he deserves better, much better. And I will do everything in my power to help him in every possible way in his goals. I’m ready to go with him after work to the dacha to light the stove just to help him. I am ready to help him in any way I can. So that he feels my support, knows that he can always rely on me.
Today I came home after work and she started again. What, a lot of money? I was going to pay someone else's aunt. You don't understand me at all. Mom, do you understand me? The following details were immediately revealed: it turns out that my mother has a heart condition. And she takes pills endlessly, but doesn’t tell anyone about it. I ask, why don’t you talk? There is no answer, and then only she bears her own burden. I say, show me the test results, where it says there are problems. Of course, this request is also ignored. What, I have to sit here alone like a woman, dad works late, and you also made this up. I say, how do others sit? Nobody sits like that. That's it, finish. Nobody lives alone. Everyone lives in huge groups and jumps around such a mother. Well, nonsense. Next came the blackmail: that’s it, soon you will sell this apartment yourself. And you don't think about anyone at all. Yes, I say, I’m bad, terrible, disgusting. Yes. But this will not affect my decision in any way and I will move in the coming days. Then she left. I sat down to dinner. I see she got dressed. I ask, where are you going? Yes, wherever the eyes look. It’s already dark outside, it’s seven o’clock in the evening. Well, I say, go. She got ready and left. HER phone is indicatively lying in the most visible place. I'm calling my friend. I just need to speak up. Afterwards I decided to call my dad, although I didn’t want to bother him. While I was talking to him, my mother came home. Now he sits silently in another room. The TV doesn't turn on. The demonstration performance continues.
I just can't anymore. She disgusts me. She doesn't understand anything. Absolutely! She's trying to force me to live with her some more. How much more? A year, two? Or maybe until my retirement??? I feel like if I don't break out now, that's it. My life will become one dull puddle. I can’t stand being with her, I can’t be in the same apartment with her. She says it’s my fault that dad had a headache yesterday and took pills at night. I am guilty??? Yesterday, when he came home, he tried to calmly discuss everything. She was hysterical. She didn’t let him have dinner in peace. Plowshares. Made me mad. And now, with the words “he’s worried about a lot, and now also because of you,” she accuses me. And isn’t he worried about her? Because of her quirks. Now I'm all on edge. She's simply unbearable. Inadequate. He blames everyone around him and does not see his own guilt. How, how should I be??? I want my life, to meet a good man, children. I want to come visit my dad with the whole family. Spend time with everyone. So that everyone is happy. Yes, specifically to my dad, because I have no desire to communicate with her. I just have a cry for help, for advice. Maybe I'm wrong about something. Maybe I really am a bad daughter for her. But I can’t live in the same apartment with her anymore. It just eats me away from the inside, makes me feel complete hopelessness. What do i do? I would like to hear at least some opinion from the outside.
Question author: Ekaterina Age: 31
Ways to solve the problem
Despite the violent manifestation of hysteria, loud screaming and a sea of tears, this condition does not pose a danger to the health of the woman, her family or the child. During individual or group sessions, the psychotherapist will help the mother get rid of old grievances and negative emotions, teach her to cope with her fears, understand the hidden motives of hysterical behavior and control it. The wife and husband may have to sign up for a family consultation, during which the doctor will work with the partners’ existing psychological problems.
A mother who is subject to frequent hysterics will have to carry out enormous internal psychological work on her own.
If the cause of hysteria is fatigue, it is important not to take it out on the child, blaming him for all the troubles in the world, but to pay attention to yourself, trying to analyze and understand what causes an internal feeling of dissatisfaction and protest.
The ability to identify hidden emotions and experiences, as well as to be frank with loved ones, will be very useful for a woman in such a situation. You cannot turn a blind eye to the existing problem; you should remember that such destructive behavior can negatively affect the child’s psyche, so you should not be afraid to admit to your husband that you are tired and expect more help and understanding from him.
In this case, psychologists advise mothers to keep an observation diary, in which the slightest changes in mood are carefully recorded. All events that preceded the scandal and could have caused hysteria, thoughts and feelings towards the husband and child, causing the woman to be upset and worried, are also recorded.
Mom will need to stick to a daily routine, finding time to rest from household chores. Proper nutrition and regular walks in the fresh air will help minimize the effects of daily stress. You can do meditation, which will help you find lost peace and restore confidence.
In order not to constantly take it out on the child, the mother needs to find time for herself: play sports, visit a cosmetologist, read a book. A new hobby can also help solve the problem - it could be painting, cooking, photography, design or handicrafts, which will give you the opportunity, while on maternity leave, not to be angry with your child and to distract yourself from negative thoughts.
If the cause of constant hysterics is a hormonal imbalance, it is imperative to obtain medical advice. The doctor will help you choose medications that will normalize the woman’s emotional state and restore her hormonal levels.
React to a feeling.
Third. Immediately hysterical. Do not react to these terrible words of theirs. Do not react to them, do not perceive them as a message from adult to adult. To look through them, to see in it, behind them, through them is a feeling. The feeling behind the words, the message, the expectation behind them. And respond to the feeling. There are children who benefit greatly if their mother expresses this feeling for them, releases it - finally calling it an insult.
Or disappointment, or fear of loss, or anger. These are children who are close to logic and structurally minded. But there are children who are hurt and vulnerable even because their mother said it out loud; naming their feelings traumatizes them even more, because the mother is like a tyrant - she knows everything about them, like an ultrasound. And not to hide. Children often cover their faces with their hands at such moments. Therefore, here active listening can both help and advance the process of experiencing and building contact, and, conversely, push everything back and make it worse. Look at the situation, each time. And just for your child.
But what works whether we say the feeling or not is our reaction to the feeling—heard through the words of denial. If it is an insult, ask for forgiveness. If there is anger, help release it, hug it. If the prayer is to pacify, set boundaries, take in your arms. To be loved in spite of yourself, the test is to talk about love. How often, shouting “go away!” children ask with their souls: “don’t leave”... To be close. React to a feeling. And if you’re not sure how to react, then just react. It can be done inappropriately, but the main thing is with goodness. This is more important - just like that - than absolute indifference and silence. Although silence can also be healing. You just get through all this loudness by picking him up, silently, and stroking him while he gets angry and shouts.
Tips for a hysterical attack
You should not persuade a woman to calm down and appeal to common sense. This will only anger her more and lead to an even bigger scandal. She won’t be able to think logically in this state, so it’s better to let her talk it out. Be calm and do not get into an altercation, otherwise you will provoke a more severe hysteria.
- If you witness hysteria, it is best to leave the room for a while, leaving the screaming woman alone. In this case, the attack will pass much faster than if you try to sort things out with her.
- If a child witnessed the scene, be sure to see him from the room and try to stop the scandal as quickly as possible. Do something that is not at all expected of you. This will attract the woman’s attention and prevent a quarrel from flaring up. After the seizure is over, give the girl a drink of cold water, take her out into the fresh air, or suggest she walk down the street.
After everyone involved in the incident has calmed down, try to talk to the hysterical mother. Find out the reasons for her dissatisfaction, without reproaching or blaming her for anything. Focus on your own experiences, as well as the feelings of the child, urging the woman to the fact that this problem must be solved without fail.
Depressed parents
“My mother seems to be a kind and sincere person, but she sees her whole life in a black light. As a result, 90% of our conversations boil down to her whining about the terrible weather, terrible health, terrible news on TV and how she suffers from the fact that we see each other so rarely. But how can I communicate more often if, after an hour of talking with her, I become so depressed that I might as well drown myself?”
Depressive disorders are also a very common occurrence both among the young and apparently prosperous, and among the old and sick. Of course, difficult living conditions, serious illnesses (for example, oncology), and the loss of loved ones increase the likelihood of their development.
It is important to distinguish between chronic depression (depressive disorder) and that caused by certain sad events (reactive depression). In the second case, the person will eventually return to normal, but in the first, episodes of melancholy and melancholy will accompany him throughout his life.
Depressed parents aren't all doom and gloom. They are cold and distant, which is especially unbearable for children. Often they are passive, helpless and dependent; they constantly need to be rescued because they have difficulty coping with ordinary tasks. Sometimes they are irritable and suspicious.
Depressed people often talk about illness and imminent death, even if the person is only 40, they may have a specific “cemetery” humor.
Depression differs from the “ordinary blues” in that a person remains in it for a long time (months, sometimes even years), and a pessimistic outlook spreads to everything around.
If parents become sick and unhappy only when they need something from you, most likely they are manipulators (which also does not guarantee their health, see “Psychopathic Parents”).
Depressed people cannot believe that things will change for the better, which can make it very difficult to motivate them to get treatment. Some people suppress depression with alcohol, which is especially typical for men. Depression is often accompanied by anxiety. In addition, it can manifest itself at the level of physical sensations: inexplicable pain in the heart, in the abdomen, a feeling of weakness, heaviness.
How to help depressed parents. In many cases, antidepressants can work wonders: the eternal “whiner” turns into a completely cheerful person who suddenly has interests and plans for the future. In addition to a certain amount of pills, depressed people need a lot of support - both moral and in practical matters.
It is important to understand that love and understanding alone cannot cure them. Such people have a black hole in their soul that cannot be plugged, no matter how hard you try.
How to help yourself. To maintain your own sanity, you will have to dose out the support provided. Decide how many hours of complaints per week you are willing to endure without fatal damage and how many practical requests to fulfill (their flow will never dry up). Recognize that you are doing this for yourself, and not for the sake of winning your mother’s love: until depression is cured, the flow of complaints about life, as well as about your callousness and inattention, will not stop.
Summarize
A mother’s hysteria is a strong emotional outburst, which can be provoked by a variety of factors. This is a common phenomenon that occurs as a result of prolonged stress or nervous strain. Due to internal negative emotions, women take it out on the child, throwing out the accumulated negativity.
Often the cause of hysteria can be problems with the nervous system, neurosis. This behavior of the mother has a detrimental effect on the child’s psyche, leading to the development of all kinds of complexes, fears and phobias, causing mental disorders, and complicating relationships with other people. Working with a specialist will help a woman get rid of accumulated internal psychological problems and again feel the joy of motherhood.
Helping mothers with hysterics
Often a woman who becomes hysterical is well aware of her problem, but cannot cope with it because she does not feel support from loved ones. She sees that nothing serious for her health happens after such a hysteria and is in no hurry to do anything. This opinion is erroneous - violations of a woman’s physical and mental health do not appear immediately and not always, but hysterics affect the child’s health in the most direct way - he becomes capricious, nervous, unsure of himself, withdrawn.
If hysterics are periodic, then the mother can keep a diary, analyze the reasons that provoke hysterics, and look for ways to prevent them. A frank conversation with a relative with whom you have a trusting relationship will also help. It’s good if it’s an older person with more life experience, he can give wise advice.
If hysterics occur constantly, then you cannot do without consulting a psychologist. It will help you thoroughly get to the bottom of the underlying causes of hysterics, which may lie in childhood grievances, unrealized talents, unreciprocal love, or something else. The woman herself can make an appointment with a psychologist, or her family can do it. They need to support the woman, not tell her “this is your problem,” and take on some of the troubles associated with the child, if he is still small.
A mother suffering from hysterics must find a positive outlet for her emotions - find a hobby she likes, play sports, walk in the fresh air, follow a daily routine and look for positive moments in everything. Then she will have no reason to become hysterical.
A child who has a hysterical mother, having reached a conscious age, must accept this and strive to find common ground with her or distance himself when he reaches adulthood.
So what to do?
In a relationship with a hysterical mother, the child’s harsh rebuff is usually followed by maternal resentment, tears, boycott, and a diligent portrayal of oneself as a victim of an ungrateful offspring.
“We live separately. I come to visit her, and she is happy to see me and prepares delicious food. I am grateful to her. But if my mother’s mood deteriorates, she begins to yell at me, demand something, and instantly the gratitude in my head and heart disappears, and at that moment I think: “I have already paid for everything that she gave me with my patience.” , a client once told me. Are you familiar with her thoughts and experiences?
Let's imagine that your mother stumbles upon your sudden reluctance to act on her instructions. What's next? The traditional weapon is used - reproaches. How can you? I put my life on you, I work three jobs for you, I am for you, for you, all the best for the children, a glass of water and a spoonful of strychnine for me immediately, I will die, and then you will spin around alone without your mother’s help!
To prevent such antics, pick up Karen Pryor’s book “Don’t Growl at the Dog” and read it carefully. It's small, but the recipes described in it will change your life. After reading, begin to build a relationship with your mother exactly according to this book. In short: mom behaves well - we rejoice, communicate, encourage. Mom says nasty things, becomes hysterical, raises her voice - we turn on the boycott mode.
Assign sanctions for violating your boundaries and rules. Did you yell? I haven't talked to you for two weeks. If there is a relapse, it will be a month. Have you been warned? Did you hear? Wonderful. If the situation repeats, stop communicating for exactly a month - without retreating. Increase the boycott period until your mother understands that yelling at you is useless. If she wants the best for you, then you shouldn’t throw tantrums and stage performances with one actress, but build an adult dialogue. As a rule, from the third time it reaches even the most “stubborn” mothers in their manipulations.
Why do moms do this?
I am often asked why adults often behave like maximalist teenagers, and sometimes even like three-year-olds who get their way by throwing a tantrum and screaming? Because this is so - often in the body of an adult or even an elderly person there is the consciousness of a teenager or child. This phenomenon is clearly manifested in people who grew up during the Soviet Union. For seventy years, the state has been diligently “fooling” its citizens and making every effort to ensure that their consciousness remains helpless - such people are easier to control. The person was “given” benefits, from apartments to food packages on holidays and book vouchers. As a result, many people simply have not developed the habit of treating their lives in a conscious, adult way. Scarcity and restrictions - “one thing in one hand” - have led to the fact that some people of the older generation, even having lived to see gray hair, remain children - in a sense.
By shouting, hysterics and endless reproaches, they try to influence their children, who, in turn, are also often unable to “grow up”, because their parents, by their example, teach them not to grow up emotionally. This is why endless calls, visits, hysterics, complaints and other typical whims arise. The reason lies in fear for the children - that is, for you - for your supposedly dissolute and unfulfilled life. Yes, don't be surprised. In your mother’s eyes, even having made a career at Google or Rosneft, you still have not reached the desired heights. Mom doesn't know the corporation you work for and can't appreciate the heights of your career. Therefore, your mother does not notice your successes, but concentrates around some problem of yours, which, in her opinion, is insoluble. For example, you don’t have your own apartment, and the state no longer provides housing. Mom is in a panic: what to do, where to get it?
Mom dreamed all the best for her princess (or for her “golden boy”), but you don’t make her dreams come true - you rent an apartment in the city center instead of living on the outskirts in a small, but your own. Mom sees this as infantilism - in her eyes, you yourself are not able to cope with life. Her “how to cope” recipes are outdated, but they worked when mom was your age. Therefore, she diligently pushes them into you - for your own good. And with the help of hysterics and ostentatious insults, he demands to obey and follow instructions.
In my mother’s dreams, I was supposed to take the position of economist at a factory. For her, this was precisely what fit into the attitude of “coping with life”: getting settled, finding stability, marrying some “hard worker” who doesn’t drink. She had no other recipes for happiness. As a result, she sincerely believes that she was unlucky with her daughter.
My friend’s mother just as sincerely believed that “there is no other decent job for a woman than an accountant.” She considered everything else either fornication or insufficiently serious work. By insisting on her own way, she ruined her daughter’s dream career, and her daughter ended up becoming another failed, middle-of-the-road accountant. She “ran away” from her unloved job on maternity leave, first for one child, then for the second, just so as not to return to the hated office. Then she had to go through a divorce because her husband did not want to “pull the burden” with his wife, who did not want to help in forming the family budget. My mother’s recipe for “how to cope with life” did not help.
Often our mothers have similar “recipes for happiness,” and if the children themselves are infantile and do not want to resist parental moral violence, then they take this “medicine.” Others resist and receive hysterics and moralizing. And then the intensity of passions depends on the degree of parental inertia and limitations: the level of your suffering will be as high as the discrepancy between your mother’s and your ideas about a happy life.
It's worth remembering one thing once and for all: your mother may want the best for you, but those are her wishes, not yours. And life is yours. And you, and not someone else, can dispose of it, even if that other person is your own mother.
