First, let’s clarify what self-compassion is. This means the same thing as compassion, only in relation to oneself. The first to raise this topic in psychology, as they say, “in full force,” was Christina Neff, an associate professor at the University of Texas.
Of course, before her, there were also works in which psychologists called for a humane attitude towards others and oneself (the works of Carl Rance Rogers), to accept oneself with all one’s flaws and shortcomings (the works of Albert Alice), and even modeled the development of a “separate self” with the manifestation of empathy in relation to him (works of Judith V. Jordan).
Christina Neff's merit lies in the fact that she was the first to propose a complete scientific definition of the concept of “self-compassion” and developed the so-called self-compassion scales, which to this day remain the only tool for measuring this phenomenon. We will return to these scales later, but for now we will consider in detail the essence of self-compassion.
What is the essence of self-compassion?
So, we have already found out that self-compassion is compassion for oneself. To better understand the essence and mechanism of this phenomenon, you need to imagine that you treat yourself as your best friend. Most of us will always support a friend if he is in trouble, and even if he is wrong and did something wrong.
The opposite is also true - it is the best friends who are able to restore our faith in our own strengths, support us in any difficult circumstances and tell us that the troubles that happened to us had nothing to do with us in the first place. What’s interesting: after listening to words of consolation, most people are able to perk up and, if they don’t believe that they are completely right, then at least stop focusing on little things, which is also good.
At the same time, we are unreasonably strict with ourselves, demanding clearly more than we can do at the moment. So, self-compassion is an opportunity to become your own best friend and tell yourself all the words of support that we would say (and say!) to our friends if something happened to them. In fact, it is a powerful mechanism that works to benefit our mental and emotional health.
If you have to wait for something, it means you are not ready for it yet.
I’ll tell you about periods of waiting that have happened in my life – and they weren’t easy for me. The last one ended when I quit my job in order to devote myself full-time to writing. But this transition did not happen overnight.
Even before I quit my job, I started a blog on Twitter. It was clear to me from the very beginning that this step would change my life. Soon I began to receive various offers - to participate in a reality show, to host a regular radio program. There was even a project to create chocolate under my own brand! But everything, according to my feelings, was “wrong.”
I really wanted to quit the office and devote myself entirely to realizing my dream, but I understood that more work was required to take the idea to the next level. And I waited. She continued to write posts about her life, did not lose hope that everything would change, and, of course, prayed.
More than two years passed before I was able to “weigh anchor.” Oh, how I couldn't wait to do this! I behaved like a child on the way to Disneyland, who every minute asks the elders: “When will we arrive? Have you arrived now?” But there was no answer, I had to learn to wait.
Little did I know then that such a period was simply necessary to prepare, strengthen faith, gather courage for what was to happen in the near future.
We are all waiting for something. Answer, response, reaction. Second try. Phone call, letter. Next step. New job. New love. New start. Try to learn from this difficult stage and learn the art of waiting. If you have to wait for “something”, then you are not ready for that something (whatever it is). This is not punishment, this is maturation.
It doesn't matter what we wait for. What is more important is what happens to us while we wait.
How it works?
We have heard many times: in order for someone to love us, we must first love ourselves. Self-compassion is a healthier and more powerful alternative to self-blame. Only those who do nothing make no mistakes, and mistakes are made so that life is not too boring and sad.
Believe me, at the end of your life you will not remember how you passed all your exams at the institute on time, came to work every day exactly at 9.00, washed the floors and washed your clothes on weekends. But an incendiary party, because of which you overslept for work, is easy. A failed session, because of which you were left without a scholarship and got a job in a nightclub, too. A weekend in nature will be remembered much better than the world's deepest cleaning. And you can easily get over the fact that a neighbor who came to visit was horrified by the mess in your home and told your mother or mother-in-law about this mess.
This does not mean that self-compassion should turn into self-pity and justify all your mistakes. Not at all, you will already critically rethink your shortcomings and draw the appropriate conclusions, and next time you will prepare for exams in advance, do the cleaning on Thursday, not on Saturday, and duplicate the alarm on your smartphone with an ordinary iron alarm clock placed in an enamel bucket.
Another important thing is not to allow small mistakes to destroy your personality and turn your existence into endless melancholy and self-flagellation. How to maintain a balance between a responsible attitude towards your affairs and your own life, reasonable self-criticism and self-compassion? To do this, you need to understand what self-compassion consists of.
Instructions on how to stop torturing yourself and suffering
Analytical thinking, as well as objective criticism of the emotional sphere, can be turned off during periods of suffering in relation to any current situation. To do this, we need clear directives that help us get to a level where we can use awareness and creative ways of adapting to new conditions.
Initially, choose to set yourself up for future happiness, and believe that everything that happens also moves you away from suffering. There is no need to forcefully write down the advantages of your life, comparing them with the difficulties of African children, since even the emotional pain from the end of a relationship will not go away from the realization of the fact that the refrigerator is full of food. But keep in mind the philosophical idea that all events that occur are as correct and good as possible for you. It is necessary to open the door of perception to positive changes, try to find exactly how the misfortune that happened can be useful in the future, what it protects from, what it helps. Long-term thinking helps here, since the situation can present unexpectedly positive results.
In addition to changing the passive position of contemplation and expectation of good changes, it is necessary to begin to act in the context of the good directions found. The human psyche is such that all negative events are imprinted faster, while good ones usually remain within the norm. Such a device helps to survive in adverse conditions, but also prolongs the experience of suffering. Here you can deceive your own brain if you start to act and adjust the found options for a good resolution of the situation or paths that have opened and lead to benefit. The position is more energy-consuming than waiting for everything to change on its own, but mental anguish recedes into the background.
Work with negative experiences for no more than the designated time (determine it in advance). It is not necessary to contact a psychotherapist, but be sure to arrange similar therapeutic sessions for yourself. An important point is to reduce touching the sore spot, since the habit is formed based on repeated actions.
The habit of thinking about the negative is also formed, like waking up late and smoking. The more often you complain about what happened, the greater the need to continue to behave this way. If you call a friend every evening to talk through your pain, then in a week you will become dependent on your own complaint. You simply lose the opportunity to talk about other topics and, out of habit, continue to complain to others, the brain at this time forms negative emotions, because the command was given that everything is bad.
It is important to take care of yourself, just to really do it, and not to create an appearance. When you try to feed yourself cakes so as not to cry, this is not a concern, because the level of sugar, cholesterol increases, weight increases, and in the end you only make things worse for your body. If you leave yourself at home without going out to premieres, to buy new clothes, or just to hang out with friends, then you are depriving yourself of new impressions, and only with new experiences and emotions can you rebuild your emotional background. Let the care be real, and if this means going to the gym, going to a painful procedure with a doctor, ending an unpleasant relationship, then do it - the less negativity and unfinished business there is in your life, the less mental energy will go there. This means you will have the strength to create joy.
Try to do good, help those in need, participate in charity, or come up with the right promotions yourself. Socially useful work, helping someone shows the possibility of changing the world for the better, gives gratitude to people and new friends. Even if you don’t feel like socializing right now, you can paint a bench, collect trash, install a swing. This is done to see the joy of others and to feel that you can change the world with your own hands.
What is self-compassion made of?
Here we return again to the work of Christina Neff, who identified three main components of self-compassion. After analyzing them, you will see for yourself that there is nothing wrong with supporting yourself, your loved one, in a difficult moment. And this will not stop you from drawing logical conclusions from your circumstances and moving on.
Basic elements of compassion:
- Kindness to ourselves is the same kindness we show to others.
- Understanding - we need to recognize that small and even major failures are an essential element of our lives.
- Attentiveness and awareness - you cannot ignore your negative emotions, minimize their significance or exaggerate their influence on the course of further events.
Christina Neff argues that mindfulness is a calm state of mind where a person is able to perceive their emotions without self-judgment or self-flagellation. Only in this state is a person able to adequately assess the situation and his own actions.
Thus, self-compassion is necessary, at a minimum, in order to remain adequate in any circumstances, and not to believe that you are now responsible for everything in the world, including the changing seasons. And this is far from the only advantage of this approach.
Content
- You are not in control
- What can I do
- How to let go
Hello, dear readers! It is generally accepted that women are more patient than men. We have to wait for the prince, then the moment when he deigns to propose, then we spend nine months in anxious anticipation of the baby. Naturally, it becomes increasingly difficult to restrain yourself and remain a calm person.
It's not easier for men. life tests their endurance time after time. Therefore, today we will talk about how to learn to endure and wait. You will learn some methods from psychology, and also, I hope, you will look at your destiny differently and learn to live without worrying.
Well, shall we begin?
Why is self-compassion needed?
Why else do you need self-compassion other than to maintain adequacy of perception? There are quite a lot of advantages!
Benefits of Self-Compassion:
- Self-compassion helps avoid stress - a dose of support is always more useful than self-flagellation, which leads to despondency and depression.
- Self-compassion makes you healthier - all diseases are caused by nerves, so if you do without unnecessary hassle, you will maintain your health.
- Self-compassion makes you stronger - positive emotions balance the psyche, make you feel protected and needed by someone, at least to yourself.
- Self-compassion quickly returns you to your usual rut - in contrast to self-flagellation, which leads to depression and long-term decline in performance. And you need to be efficient and productive in order to correct the mistakes that you made.
- Self-compassion is completely logical. In the end, what happened has already happened, and endlessly worrying about it is useless and unconstructive.
As you can see, being able to have compassion for yourself is a very useful skill. How to achieve such a balance of emotions and adequacy of perception? This is already a whole technology!
Patience is a virtue for all times
Unfortunately, in the fast-paced 21st century, patience is a virtue for few of us. Continuous haste, lack of time, fast pace of life, a huge number of responsibilities lead to the fact that we become less and less humble and calm, we endure the need to wait for something or someone, to come to terms with some circumstances, worse and worse. restrictions and behavior of others. In a situation where everything should have been done yesterday, it is difficult to accept that there are only 24 hours in a day and to be patient or patient. But it’s necessary! Otherwise, there will be much more negativity in life – our own and those around us. Many people understand this, so they are ready to work on their character and learn to respect their own and other people’s time. So, what can you do to be more restrained and calmer, how to be patient?
How to master the skill of self-compassion?
Self-compassion, like many other things in this life, can be learned. If you constantly scold yourself or sincerely agree with endless criticism addressed to you, this just means that you have room for work. Christina Neff's methods and recommendations will help you with this. You don’t have to use them all at once - choose what you like and practice it every time you feel irritated.
Self-compassion practice:
- Write down words of encouragement that you would say to your best friend if he were in a bad situation.
- Write down the words your friends say to you when they want to support you.
- Write down the words you say to yourself if something unpleasant happens to you.
- Re-read all the entries and feel the difference. If the difference is noticeable and not in your favor, you need to do something about your self-esteem. You can simply leave yourself only note No. 1 and read the words of support, turning them to yourself.
- If recordings don't help much yet, learn meditation. It allows you to calm down and tune in to a positive wave, including in relation to yourself.
- Learn mindfulness - do not drive away negative thoughts, but accept them and everything they relate to as a given.
- Forgive yourself - you will do better next time!
How do you know if you personally need to learn self-compassion or if you are a completely adequate person? To do this, let’s remember about the self-compassion scales that Christina Neff developed.
Scales of Self-Compassion
The self-compassion scale looks like a typical psychology test, of which there are many. The test includes 26 questions, for each of which you need to choose one answer on a scale from “Almost never” (1 point) to “Almost always” (5 points).
At the end of the test, interpretation of answers and scoring are automatic, and you will learn how capable of self-compassion you are. For informational purposes, we present the test questions in Russian in literary translation, because For some questions in our language there are more exact matches than those offered by the dictionary.
Self-test questions (in Russian):
- I condemn my shortcomings.
- When I feel depressed, I tend to obsess over my condition.
- When things go wrong, I see it as a hardship that everyone goes through.
- When I think about my shortcomings, I feel cut off from the rest of the world.
- I try to cheer myself up if something has caused me emotional pain.
- I react inappropriately to my failures in important matters.
- When I'm feeling down, I remember that there are many other people in the world who feel like I do.
- When times are really tough, I tend to be hard on myself.
- When something upsets me, I hold back my emotions.
- I justify my inadequacy by saying that many people tend to experience similar emotions.
- I am intolerant and impatient with aspects of my personality that I do not like.
- I understand that if you don’t praise yourself, no one will, so I praise myself when I overcome difficulties.
- When I feel down, I tend to think that most other people are probably happier than me.
- When failure occurs, I try to balance the situation.
- I know that people are not perfect, and neither am I.
- When I don't like something about myself, I get angry with myself.
- When I fail at something that is important to me, I don't give up.
- When I'm really struggling, I tend to feel like other people must have it easier now.
- I feel sorry for myself when I experience suffering.
- When something upsets me, I immerse myself in my feelings.
- I can be calm when I am in pain.
- When I feel overwhelmed, I try to approach my feelings with curiosity and openness.
- I am tolerant of my shortcomings.
- I tend to make mountains out of molehills.
- When I fail at something important to me, I tend to feel alone in my failure.
- I try to be understanding and patient with those aspects of my personality that I don't like.
If after taking the test (and you can take it here) it turns out that your self-compassion is not well developed, do not be upset, but take it as a given that you can work with. You can enroll in our course “Mental Self-Regulation”, and then in a short time you will learn not only self-compassion, but also many other techniques of psychological self-control. And at the same time, you’ll say goodbye to apathy, laziness, procrastination and the tendency to worry about little things for a long time, if such tendencies sometimes bother you.
We wish you peace and peace of mind. And remember that you are unique, inimitable and capable of the coolest things!
We also recommend reading:
- Storytelling
- Techniques and exercises for mindfulness
- How to become a little happier
- Providing psychological first aid: advice from Guy Winch
- Reasons Why Affirmations Don't Work
- Charlie Chaplin's 70th birthday speech
- How to believe in people again
- How to learn to accept changes in life
- How to develop a two-wire focus
- Six ways to learn from your mistakes
- How to create your perfect day
Key words:1Psychoregulation
Patience and types of temperament
Anyone who wants to learn patience must understand that this character trait is closely related to the type of temperament, the ratio of processes of excitation and inhibition in the nervous system. The following temperaments are distinguished:
- choleric - a person who is quick-tempered, restless, energetic, active, striving to lead;
- sanguine – cheerful, cheerful, sociable, talkative, forgetful;
- melancholic - perfectionist, emotional, sensitive, faithful, prone to depression;
- phlegmatic - slow, balanced, reserved.
It is quite obvious that it will be more difficult for choleric people to gain patience than for unhurried phlegmatic people who always have time for everything. Each of the owners of these types of temperaments has to look for their own individual strategy for “taming” time and their character. Thus, a choleric person is faced with the need to work on his excitability. The sanguine person, in turn, must work on better organization of work and systematization of the performance of duties. And melancholic and phlegmatic people should look for ways to mobilize themselves for more active actions.
The answer to the question of how to gain patience, how to learn restraint and calmness in relationships with your husband or wife, child, strangers, may be different. But in any case, it is worth looking for. After all, if you become more tolerant and complacent, it will be better for you and everyone around you.
