So what happened was what they were afraid of and what they were waiting for so much that they were delaying and rushing every minute. So, the trip to the registry office, the divorce procedure, the signing of documents, the resolution of all disputes are completed - it’s time to say goodbye.
But time passes, and there is no good separation, the ex-husband insults his ex-wife after the divorce, and the wife does not lag behind in response. Why is divorce so often not the end, but the beginning of a new complex relationship?
Reasons why a husband humiliates his wife
There are several reasons for constant humiliation and insults, and different approaches to solving them are required.
Here are the main reasons why a husband may insult and humiliate his wife:
- His warm feelings for his wife have already passed
, but love needs support, the feelings themselves gradually cool down, and a moment of cooling occurs for any couple. If you try to strengthen the relationship during this period, it will be restored, but both spouses must work. If this stage doesn’t mean anything to any of them, problems are just around the corner. - The husband took a mistress
. In this situation, it is more convenient for him to humiliate and insult his wife in order to force her to be the first to leave the family and file for divorce. This is how a man unties his hands and frees up territory for new relationships in which he has already plunged headlong. - The man no longer has respect for his wife
. There are several reasons, one of which is the wife’s maternity leave. During this period, many ladies do not take care of themselves, they are busy only with the child and do not give their husband the attention he requires. His wife is just annoying him now. - A man's self-esteem is very low
, so he raises it by humiliating a woman. - The woman herself treats her husband with disrespect
, completely controls him, constantly asks where and why he went, when he will be home, rummages through his phone, rummages through his things, rummages in his pockets. - The woman is afraid of making the situation even worse, so she silently tolerates the man’s indecent behavior
. Among the main reasons: she has nowhere to go or she is heavily dependent on him financially.
The psychologist's advice is simple
: if this happened for the first time, then you need to calmly ask your husband not to talk to her in that tone again, otherwise the “conversation” will have to be stopped. The reasons for rudeness on the part of the husband can be anything, but he must control himself, so you should not react silently to his offensive expressions.
You can tell your husband about feelings, about love, that such words hurt the soul and are very unpleasant. Communicate that you can change something, change yourself, but together, and if there is a problem, it needs to be voiced tactfully, and find a way out together.
It happens that a husband does not want to react in any way to his wife’s words, does not want to change anything about himself, then this is a reason for a woman to think about whether she needs exactly such a relationship, and what more radical measures she is ready to take.
But when the question of what to do is acute, if the husband constantly insults and humiliates, then this may be a temporary or permanent separation - divorce.
Why does a spirit of competition arise between ex-spouses?
Former spouses are not just separated lovers, they are people who have gone through all the stages and difficulties of separation, from the first doubts and attempts to preserve a relationship that has become fragile, to the last difficult decisions about children, apartments, and finances.
Why does parting so often not bring a bright sense of freedom or at least just peace and satisfaction? Probably, in order to understand the essence of this problem, we must try to understand each relationship history.
After all, long before the divorce, a man and a woman lived a whole life together, full of incredible and vivid emotions. First meeting, falling in love, first intimacy - and it seems it will always be like this. This unforgettable stage, as a rule, remains in the memory and subconscious of a person for a long time.
All further problems and questions will be constantly compared with this best period of life together. But at some point the spouse suddenly begins to evoke pity (he cannot feed his family!), although he once seemed to be the personification of strength and masculinity.
A married woman often hears reproaches from her husband about how “slender or cheerful” she used to be.
And this is quite normal, because in the way of the young couple, “pushing the lyrics” to the background, everyday and financial problems arose that needed to be resolved.
Unfortunately, often the joint “struggle for life” - finding a job, raising children, household chores, instead of uniting a married couple, brings discord and hostility into the relationship.
An unspoken competition arises about who contributes more to family well-being, who should have the final say, who is the leader, and so on.
The inability to stop in time and sort out one’s differences, the reluctance to simply feel sorry for a partner, to sympathize with each other like a “funnel” drags them into an even greater whirlpool of disagreements, leading to unnecessary showdowns, and sometimes mutual unfair insults.
If you only hear insults from your husband, will it be better later?
When a man constantly calls his woman offensive words and finds fault with her for any reason, this does not mean that she is bad and he is trying to correct her.
The reason may not be immediately noticeable, and the woman will never change the way he wants. The couple has been married for several days, but the wife has not gotten any worse, she has children and she takes care of them. In such a situation, the reason lies in the husband himself.
He may be dissatisfied with himself, his own career, salary, and the team may not like him. But he doesn’t want to look for the reason in himself, change himself, correct the situation; it’s much easier to have a blast at home with his wife. A wife can point out to her husband his own mistakes and failures, but there is no way out, you can only aggravate the situation, make him angrier.
There are two steps you can take:
- Pack up and leave it
. - Wait until he realizes the reason on his own
. But in this case, you can waste many years to no avail.
If your husband abuses alcohol and becomes cheeky and aggressive after drinking, you don’t need to console yourself that he only does this when he’s drunk.
In the future, cases of drunken rudeness will become more frequent and last longer. As a result, they can turn into physical violence, since each time the husband will go further and further in his obscenities. And the reason here is not at all alcohol, it’s just that in a sober state a man can quite keep his emotions and feelings under control. If he has reached the point where he can humiliate his wife in front of strangers, in front of the children, then the situation will not get better. It is convenient for him to solve his own psychological problems in this way. You will have to either endure it or take radical measures, that is, leave him.
A man wants to feel superior to the victim; if you don’t stop this, you may no longer remember your own name in the future, and he will call you whatever you want, and it’s always offensive. If, when trying to change the situation in this case, the husband does not draw conclusions, there is no need to call him names in response, he will not change.
How to understand that a man is offended: signs
How to understand that a man is offended?
When a man is constantly offended, you may not even notice it, because he behaves differently, not like a woman. So if you notice that your loved one treats you coldly for several days, speaks little and is constantly in a not very good mood, then most likely he is offended. If you previously said bad words to him or did something wrong, then he is definitely offended, you can’t even doubt it.
When women are offended, they begin to cry and tell their friends about it, but men withdraw into themselves and try not to talk. Moreover, women quickly move away and forgive insults. For men, everything happens differently. He may frown for a long time, and therefore you will have to be patient, especially if the fault is yours.
Don't be afraid if a man sulks for a long time. Panic can lead to doing stupid things. It’s better to take a break for a while so you don’t worry too much. Wait until the man is ready for reconciliation.
What to do if your husband hits you?
If a husband raises his hand, who is he, a scoundrel or a worthy man? Many women think that this is a manifestation of true love. But if this is a problem, and the husband constantly humiliates, insults and beats his wife, and even in front of the child, then what to do? The problem is that the man in this case does not feel any remorse.
He believes that she herself is to blame, she brought it on. He had a hard day at work, and she was on hand. Or you had a nice conversation with your neighbor, get it! There's no point in flirting.
Some men regard beating as a last resort to “convince” their wife that she is behaving incorrectly from his point of view. You can find fault with everything, even if you didn’t hand out the slippers at the doorstep correctly. Unfortunately, such behavior of men has been justified for centuries, but today a marriage takes place between equal people, and not subordinates to one another!
Is male authority really earned through beatings, and this is male wealth? But often the cause of violent behavior is alcohol; it causes aggression for which there are no motives. You need to think about whether you want to live with an alcoholic in the future? The solution is obvious.
The man suffers from an inferiority complex, his career is at zero, he has achieved nothing, neither a position in society, nor a decent salary. A person who has not succeeded anywhere wants to feel like a ruler at home. If a wife tries to show independence, she will be severely punished, especially if she is higher on the career ladder and has an income that exceeds her husband's earnings.
There is no need to look for reasons for beating your husband; he will find fault with everything. And he often raises his hand against children, crippling them mentally and physically. According to statistics, tens of thousands (about 50,000) children run away from home every year to escape parental beatings and bullying.
Approximately 2,000 children attempt suicide every year. A huge number of children are sent to a juvenile colony for the murder of their father, from whose violent behavior they saved their mother or saved themselves. And for a woman to maintain such a relationship is already a crime against her own children.
She refused intimacy, the man was offended and ignored - what to do?
Often a man is constantly offended when he is denied intimacy. The resentment of a melancholic person looks very cute, because he falls in love quickly and simply does not understand how this can be done gradually. He ends up feeling like he is not appreciated or loved. There is no tragedy in this. Just immediately refute all such arguments.
Tell him that you appreciate his attitude and you like him, but intimacy is very important to you and first you would like to get closer internally.
But choleric people, who are aggressive, become more angry in this case. In addition, they are capable of begging and manipulating. For them, refusal is a blow to their pride. He doesn't want to seem like a weakling and a whiner. If you succumb to this, he will consider himself the main one in the relationship and will always try to make the situation in his favor. In this case, harshness should not be forgiven.
Psychologist's advice
If a woman is faced with humiliation in the family, psychologists give clear advice
:
- It’s stupid to think that your husband will come to his senses overnight - he won’t change.
- You should not show affection, care and love in response to humiliating words; you should not expect a positive result from such behavior.
- There is also no need to insult in response, it is the wrong tactic.
- There is also no need to satisfy your husband’s whims without desire.
- It is impossible to re-educate an adult without his own desire.
- It is impossible to think that such relationships in a family are the norm, it is not so.
If your husband continues to behave vilely, constantly causing mental pain with his words, it is better to break up with him and find another half. If, for some reason, a woman does not want to do this, she can only come to terms with the role of the victim and not complain that life is not a success.
How to affectionately call a man when he is offended?
In this case, when a man is constantly offended, you want to call him affectionately during the next offense in order to make peace. There are many options for what to call a man, we talked about this in detail in the article - “How to affectionately call a man?” .
In fact, it is difficult to advise anything specific in this situation, because every man likes his own words. Perhaps you already call it something. So use these words. You shouldn’t invent too much, a man may not like it.
A man gets offended and disappears for a week - what to do?
A man disappears for a week
It happens when a man is constantly offended and then disappears. Perhaps this is a normal situation that he does not write or call for a week if you do not live together. You just need to wait until he moves away and calms down, then a conversation will take place where everything will be clarified.
But if you already live together and the man was offended, and then disappeared for a week, then there is already reason to think about it. If the reason for his departure is serious and you know where he is, then there is no need to worry yet, because you need to give him some time to calm down. Especially if you are guilty.
If the quarrel is trivial and the man leaves, then he needs a reason to leave. Consider whether it is worth continuing such a relationship at all. After all, the man himself understands that the reason is insignificant, but he still leaves because he has some other interests, for example, friends. And so, in order to go to a get-together, he starts arguing with you. Why endure this?
Relationship comparison
The next reason may be the husband’s transfer of relationships from his parents’ family to his own family. In the parental family, the father constantly allowed himself unflattering remarks about the mother in the presence of the children. The family did not break up, the children grew up, and the parents’ behavior model was perceived as the only correct one.
A man considers his mother’s behavior, her tolerance, and silence to be the norm and expects the same from his wife. It happens that a man has already been married, now he compares his wife with his ex, and the comparison is not in her favor, which also leads to conflicts and emotional abuse.
Perhaps the husband has another woman. He subconsciously looks for a reason to break off the relationship, finds fault over trifles, and is constantly dissatisfied with the way he behaves and what his wife says. Being a weak nature, he tries to shift the responsibility for his adultery onto his wife, forcing her to take the first step towards separation.
