Hello, dear readers! Unfortunately, hysteria in a child is a fairly common occurrence. For some children this happens all the time, for others it happens only during special periods of crisis. But few people manage to grow up completely without hysterics.
How to react to such situations? Which strategy is best for mom? I will rely on the advice of psychologists. I have studied many books on child development, and most psychologists recommend the same course of action. And I see from my children that it works really well.
The child is hysterical, but the parents suffer
If children's tantrums are a normal occurrence, then why are they treated with such hostility? Much of the reason is social pressure. We live in a society where negative emotions are considered inappropriate. Therefore, children's tantrums are perceived as something that must be eliminated. Plus - the attitude of the parents themselves towards hysterics. After all, who really feels bad when a child is hysterical? To parents. This happens because we ourselves were once in childhood not accepted in this state, we did not learn to live our emotions. When such children grow up and become parents themselves, as a rule, they join one of two groups.
The first is those who can yell at a child and spank him. That is, they pull the child out of hysterics, causing him to feel fear. Fear is an emotion that causes us to shift our attention away from anything. A trivial example: you and your husband are arguing, at that moment the child falls. That's it, your conflict ends, at least for a while.
But by intimidating a child, you push him away, you show him that in the state he is in now, you don’t need him. And this is the biggest threat to the little person. Children have two states: “my parent loves me, accepts me, which means I live,” and “my parent doesn’t accept me, doesn’t love me, which means I’ll die.” Being needed is a vital need for a child.
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The second group of parents are those who, on the contrary, try to be ideal: “I must accept the child, not devalue him, not yell at him, not spank him, and at the same time be very calm.”
But those patterns of behavior that we saw in childhood are deposited deep in the subconscious, at the level of reflexes, and at critical moments they come out. If a parent, as an adult, has not learned to live his emotions, accept and love, first of all, himself for who he is, and not slide into a feeling of guilt, at the moment of a child’s hysteria he himself begins to frustrate. The child immediately reads this and his hysteria only intensifies. It turns out to be a pathological circle in which many parents spin.
Signs
Each hysterical child behaves differently during an attack. Someone might just stomp their feet and yell loudly. Others start rolling on the floor. But the most dangerous are those who, by splashing out negativity and aggression, cause damage to themselves and others. Parents need to know how this happens to their baby. This will allow you to take the necessary security measures in a timely manner.
Before hysterics, many seem to “prepare” for the upcoming performance. If you manage to catch this moment, you can prevent an attack. This is signaled by special harbingers:
- slight whimpering;
- snuffling, puffing, grumbling;
- pursed or trembling lips (someone sticks out their lower lip offended);
- a frowning glance from under his brows at the one on whom the satisfaction of desire depends;
- eyes full of tears;
- closed pose (arms clasped in front of you);
- methodically rocking the body (sitting on a chair or just standing);
- nervous, sudden movements;
- red face.
Precursors are not always demonstrated - attacks often begin unexpectedly and abruptly. What does a child usually do when hysterical?
- cries;
- screams loudly until hoarse;
- swings legs and arms;
- stomps, jumps;
- scatters objects;
- breathing heavily, intermittently;
- coughs forcefully and for a long time;
- scratches, bites himself and others;
- hits and pushes those who are nearby;
- bangs his head against the wall;
- is unable to adequately respond to what is said and communicate;
- rolls on the floor;
- lying on the floor, arches his back - the so-called “hysterical bridge” pose, which is involuntary convulsions.
At the same time, he can shout the most offensive things for the person at whom his hysteria is directed: “go away,” “you are bad,” “I don’t love you anymore,” “I hate you.”
At this moment, the child experiences several powerful emotions at once:
- anger, rage, anger, indignation;
- irritation, dissatisfaction;
- aggression;
- despair, bitter disappointment;
- offense.
This is a state of passion during which it is impossible to restrain emotions and control behavior and motor skills. Therefore, even with self-harm (when he hits his head against the wall, bites and scratches himself), the pain is practically not felt.
Watching all this is quite scary. Therefore, adults who witness such scenes should know how to properly respond to a child’s tantrums.
When tantrums are a normal part of development
Until the age of one and a half, hysterics, as a rule, do not occur, because the child does not yet recognize himself as an individual. When he starts saying not “Masha wants porridge, but I want porridge,” it means that soon the parents will face hysterics.
The smaller the child, the more quickly and violently the hysteria develops. Accordingly, if a small child says “I want” and does not get what he asked for, a hysteria may occur within a couple of seconds. An older child, 3-5 years old, can follow his mother for some time and say: “I want, I want, I want,” and only after that burst into tears.
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During periods of age-related crises, hysterics worsen. The most striking is the crisis of 3 years. For some, it may begin at 2-2.5 years. At this age, absolutely all parents are faced with children's tantrums. And depending on the child’s temperament, as well as the parents’ reaction, the child lays down his hysterical behavior patterns for the future.
After a crisis of 3 years, hysterics, as a rule, smooth out, returning during crises of 7, 9, 12 years and in adolescence. But these periods are already shorter, and hysterics at this age are not so pronounced.
Causes of hysteria in children
Hysteria in children develops under the influence of the following factors:
- age;
- external influence;
- features of education.
Children in the first and third years of life show a negative attitude towards others. During these periods, the baby often becomes stubborn, refusing to fulfill the requests of his parents, and does not listen to them. This behavior does not indicate a mental disorder, but characterizes the development of personality.
The following factors can provoke hysteria during transition periods:
- Environmental influences, unmet needs of the body - severe hunger, thirst, stuffiness, intense itching and other similar reasons provoke hysterical neurosis in children.
- Insufficient attention. Children need attention from loved ones; it is important for them to share their emotions.
- Physical or emotional fatigue. Hysterical neuroses in children often occur after active, intense pastime.
- Increased attention from parents. Overprotection (especially during the period of personality formation) does not allow children to express themselves as they want.
- Conflicts with others. The inability to solve a problem through conversation due to insufficient vocabulary and poor communication skills provokes a hysterical attack in the child.
The main reason for the development of neurosis in children is errors in upbringing. Pressure from parents causes internal conflict. Children try to adapt to such living conditions or resist it, which causes increased nervous tension. Hysterical attacks are also caused by inconsistent behavior of parents. For example, if the mother forbids something, and the father allows it, then the child again develops an internal conflict, since the children do not understand the demands of adults on how to act correctly.
The appearance of hysteria may be due to the desire to imitate peers. If one baby starts screaming loudly, then the second one will most likely begin to behave in the same way.
How to smooth out an impending tantrum
It happens that the mother already sees in the morning that the child is not in a good mood and 100% will be hysterical for some reason. It can be prevented by allowing the child to express his emotions in advance. And this can be done with the help of simple games.
- Evil and good cats. Mother and child turn into “angry cats”, run around, scratch the sofa, bite the pillow, tear up pieces of paper. And then these “seals” become kind and begin to purr and cuddle.
- Pushing the wall. Parent and child compete to see who can push the wall harder.
- Throwing toys. Children often throw toys; parents do not always approve of this. For such situations, you can buy special beating toys.
Such simple games will help, if not prevent hysteria, then definitely make the outburst of emotions less violent.
How to smooth out unpleasant moments after visiting kindergarten?
If your baby went to kindergarten, and you began to notice some hysterical fits in him, then in such situations you should take all measures that will be aimed at smoothing out the unpleasant consequences after visiting kindergarten. In such situations:
- Try to create a very gentle environment at home that will gently influence the child’s nervous system.
- Try to be loyal to all kinds of whims, since the nervous system is already tense. In such situations, you should hug and feel sorry for your baby.
- If a child has some bad habits, then it is not worth weaning them off during the adaptation period, since the nervous system is completely overloaded.
- If you talk about the kindergarten with your family and friends in the presence of your child, then reviews about this institution and all teachers should be only positive and good. The child must understand that his parents really like the place he goes to. In such situations he calms down a little.
- From the very morning before going to kindergarten, try to organize only the most positive emotions for your baby.
- Try to think through your entire farewell ritual in advance before letting your child go to the group. Farewell should be joyful and quite warm.
- If your baby begins to cry in the first few weeks, do not be alarmed by such tears. And never get angry when he cries. Tears are a kind of protection for the nervous system, so such a reaction is quite appropriate.
- Try to make the moment of your separation as easy as possible. It is advisable for the child to be taken to kindergarten by the person with whom it is easiest for the child to say goodbye.
- Before leaving, remind your child that you will definitely come back and pick him up. He should not think that everyone left him to the mercy of fate. At the same time, try to take him home on time all the time.
- As soon as you pick him up from preschool in the evening, set aside at least a short period of time that you can devote specifically to him, and not to the housework. He must know that you need him and you love him.
By observing all these simple conditions, you will be able to make the adaptation process painless for the child and very fast.
Tags:Kindergarten, Hysteria
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The hysteria has begun - 4 simple steps
If you couldn't prevent a tantrum, don't worry. First of all, assess whether the situation threatens the life and health of the child. If everything is physically fine, then the parent’s condition comes to the fore. A simple example. You are flying on an airplane and it begins to shake. You immediately look at the flight attendants: if they are calm, then you also become calmer. So it is here.
Stage 1. Assess your condition
First of all, tell yourself that it is not your fault that this normal phenomenon is happening, and try to calm down. Breathing will help with this, for example, the “square breathing” method: inhale - hold, exhale - hold, etc. You can try very active breathing: inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth - and you begin to breathe faster and faster, and then at the peak, when you can no longer take in air, you slow down and gradually relax.
Disconnecting also helps. The simplest thing is to take two steps away from the child. These simple manipulations will take about 20 seconds, but this will help quickly reduce the hysteria to “no.” At a minimum, you won’t blame yourself later for not being able to resist and yelling at your child or hitting him.
Stage 2. Joining If you understand that the child's tantrum does not drive you crazy, you can join the child. Lower yourself so that your eyes are at eye level with the child. It is not at all necessary that he looks at you, but you must be on the same level with him.
When the hysteria grows, the child may not allow himself to be hugged and will begin to push you away. You do not insist and perform “silent accession”: you are simply nearby. You can try putting your hand on his shoulder, and if he allows it, pat him a little. You can say: “Okay, I’ll be there, I see that you’re angry, but I’ll be there, I won’t go anywhere.”
Stage 3. Accepting emotions
When the wave of hysteria begins to subside - the child resigns himself to the fact that he will not get what he wants, so-called tears of futility appear - you move on to contact, hug, stroke and pronounce emotions:
You are angry, but I will be there and I will support you.
It seems very simple. But many people encounter problems at this stage. Firstly, it is banal and very unusual to speak in such words. Secondly, it is difficult to understand what exactly the child is feeling. This happens because we ourselves sometimes cannot understand what we feel. There are few basic emotions: anger, fear, shame, guilt, disgust, sadness, joy. You can calmly name the one that you think the child is experiencing. If you are wrong, he will correct you.
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And another important point at this stage is not to devalue the child’s experiences: “Yes, this is some kind of nonsense,” “Did the toy break? We’ll buy another one,” “Forget that you’re crying,” “Sometimes, everything gets lost.” For a child, what happened is a real tragedy, no matter how absurd the situation may seem. For a child, the loss of a car can be no less bitter than, for example, the loss of a mother’s favorite bag.
There is another way of depreciation - this is to quickly start helping: “Let’s do this and everything will pass.”
There is no need to rush the child, you need to let this emotion live. You will see for yourself that he calms down and begins to listen to you, and then you can move on to the final stage.
Stage 4. Dialogue.
When your child pays attention to you, ask:
Listen, what can we do? Can I help you somehow? Is there any way you can help yourself?
We act depending on age: the smaller the child, the more responsibility we take on ourselves, we take a strong dominant position. And if this is a teenager, he will most likely refuse your help and go to resolve the situation himself.
Thus, the main thing in hysterics is that the child learns to recognize his emotions, experience and solve the problem.
Is it possible to give in to a child?
When the trigger for hysteria is some kind of parental prohibition, then often, if the child is crying very much, the parent “gives up” - do it, take it, just leave him alone.
When we refuse children, we often refuse more than necessary: it’s impossible, don’t go there, don’t touch it. Therefore, when a child asks for something, do not answer immediately, think for a couple of seconds. Before you forbid something to your child, ask yourself:
Will it harm your health or pose a threat to life? Does this affect my boundaries?
If both answers are “no,” calmly allow it; if at least one of the answers is “yes,” you can change your position only in rare cases. And in such cases you can say: “Listen, I thought, I see how much you really need this, yes, I’ll allow it for you.”
But changing your mind should not be the basic response to your child’s requests. Otherwise, the parent ceases to be dominant, and we get situations where the child is lying on the floor in a store to get a toy.
What are the causes of children's tantrums?
Hysterics can be caused by the following:
- The baby is overtired emotionally or physically.
- Children are sensitive to unfavorable family conditions and quarrels between parents.
- Hysterics can also be caused by poor health caused by physiological needs: thirst, hunger, fatigue.
- Increased emotional excitability.
- Diseases of the nervous system.
- Tantrums may occur with a specific family member. And you probably noticed that, for example, a toddler can be very capricious and demanding with his grandmother, but, for example, he behaves well with his dad.
- Mistakes in parental behavior. Inability to control the child’s behavior, lack of inhibitions.
