What to do if a 3-4 year old child doesn’t listen: Advice from a psychologist

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As children grow up, they often test their parents' strength. And this period is quite difficult for both the kids themselves and moms and dads. Disobedience is especially pronounced when children turn 3 years old. During this period, they begin to test their boundaries, and the child simply does not listen to his parents - and more often than not, he does not listen to his mother. Naturally, against this background, the question arises: how to make the child obey.

Crisis of three years

To understand why the baby does not obey, you need to understand child psychology. As a rule, at 3 years old a child already considers himself an individual, an adult with his own needs and desires. Adults continue to treat him like an unintelligent child. Because of this, misunderstandings, hysteria and conflicts arise.

In general, disobedience of a child at 3 years old is the norm. As psychologists and psychiatrists say, this age coincides with a crisis that is necessary for further personal development. It may occur a little earlier or later (at 2.5 - 4 years). It all depends on temperament, upbringing and the degree of trust in the relationship between the baby and the parents. That is, a child does not obey at the age of 3 not because he is bad, but because personal changes occur to him.

How can one characterize the crisis of this age? Children begin to develop such traits as stubbornness, negativism, obstinacy, self-will, rebellion, devaluation, and despotism. Psychologist L. S. Vygotsky believed that these qualities are necessary for the formation of a sense of recognition and self-esteem, although they create difficulties for adults. Modern psychiatrists completely agree with this.

Defending independence

At 3 years old, children begin to separate themselves from other people, realize their capabilities and feel like a source of will. Toddlers compare themselves to adults and want to do the same things they do. For example, “I’m already big, I’ll tie my own shoelaces!” At the same time, the child begins to feel autonomy from mom and dad. He realizes that he is a separate person who has his own desires, preferences and tastes. This contributes to the formation of internal protest, so a child of 3 years old does not listen and becomes hysterical. For example, he may call names, break toys, offend other children, or refuse to eat the porridge that his mother cooked. Because of this, adults get the impression that the child is simply testing their nerves.

The kid behaves disgustingly only because it seems to him that adults want to limit his freedom with some kind of conventions and rules. And with his disobedience he begins to test how significant these boundaries are for others and what will happen if they are violated.

Rules and features of education

Every family must have certain requirements, prohibitions, restrictions and rules. We need to make sure that a 4-year-old child accepts these rules without grief or resentment. Also, you shouldn’t set too many rigid rules, because... No one will like dictatorship, but permissiveness has never led to anything good. It is necessary to establish basic prohibitions (you cannot torture the cat, climb out the window, fight, beat your mother, etc.). They must be followed by all family members. It is always necessary to explain why a particular action is not permitted. The “because I said so” option will not work. There must be real reasons: “too dangerous” and the like.

Established prohibitions must be flexible. If a child wants to walk through puddles, then this must be done in rubber boots. When he has a desire to shoot with a slingshot, let it happen where people don’t go, etc. It is important that these prohibitions and rules are accepted by all adults. What kind of order and obedience is there if dad starts arguing with mom?

Explain what is right and wrong in a friendly, not demanding tone. Think for yourself, how would you react to orders from your interlocutor? Remember that disobedience is a completely natural process and in 2-3 years it will end. However, if your son or daughter silently obeys, follows all orders, and does not show emotions, you need to think about it and seek help.

Demonstration of independence

Children at 3 years old want to be perceived as adults, so they are very offended if they are called small. At this age, a positive self-image develops, so kids love to flaunt their successes and be the center of attention. Achievements add optimism to them, which allows them to consider themselves good. Moreover, I want to do everything on my own, without anyone’s help. A 3-year-old child does not obey his parents, because every immutable truth is questioned. There is absolutely no desire to do everything only at the direction of adults. Only a thorough review of the rules of behavior can help shape your view of the world.

How to raise a 4 year old boy?

Despite the fact that the boy has reached the age of 4 and is trying to be independent, he continues to remain a child who needs the love of his parents.

Therefore, the first thing adults need to do is love their son.

1. Punish no more than praise. Otherwise, low self-esteem or aggressive behavior may develop.
2. Allow the baby to show emotions. He is still a child who vividly experiences all his inner experiences. They should be allowed to show, even though men don’t cry.”
3. Expand the baby's free space. Let his circle of responsibilities become larger, as well as his range of entertainment.
4. Continue to develop a positive attitude towards the gender of the baby. This should be done in such a way that there is no disdain for the opposite sex. Both genders are important and the child should be taught this.

What to do?

A 3-year-old child does not obey so much that it seems that nothing can be done about it. Parents simply give up and follow the lead of their little monster. For example, it’s easier for a mother to put away toys herself than to endlessly ask a toddler to do it. But we cannot remain inactive, otherwise the situation will worsen. If incorrect behavior is not stopped, the child will feel permissive. But it is important to understand how to properly meet the child’s needs in order to adjust his development in the right direction.

Maintaining a daily routine

Most parents do not standardize the baby's day, and make a mistake. It is very important to separate moments of feeding, educational activities, play and rest. You need to allocate time for each component, preferably at the same hours. This will help your baby form the habit of following these rules. It becomes clear to him that certain events are followed by others. As a result, the child ceases to be irritable, aggressive and anxious. If there is no regime, then you should not be surprised that a 3-year-old child does not obey. He simply does not know what to expect and what he will need to do next.

Prohibitions and restrictions

Of course, if you allow everything to the little man, then in the end it will result in disobedience. Once you make a concession, there is a high risk of finding yourself in a disadvantageous position. Then you shouldn’t be surprised why the little one behaves like a little devil.

In fact, it is very easy for parents to lose their authority in the eyes of their child. Therefore, it is necessary to explain to him from an early age what is allowed and what is prohibited. This rule should apply to all children of any age. Prohibitions are an integral part of proper upbringing. If they are not introduced, then the end result is obvious - the child does not obey. By the age of 3-5, children usually begin to clearly understand what they can do and what they can’t do.

Fair prohibitions and restrictions are useful for developing in a child an adequate attitude towards himself and the world. If everything is allowed, he will soon stop appreciating what he has and will take everything for granted. In addition, many prohibitions are necessary for the safety and health of children.

But you should understand that you don’t need to limit your child in everything. Otherwise, you can create obstacles to development. If a three-year-old toddler behaves ugly, he does not realize it. He just wants to feel important and important.

Unobvious requests

Sometimes our requests are more like a quest, a multi-step game with which it is not so easy to emerge victorious. We puzzle the baby with questions that he is not able to answer. For example: “do you think the teacher will like it if we are late for school?”, “have you decided to grow a colony of microbes on your hands?”...

To understand, the child will have to:

• carry out logical chains,
• build a connection between the example and what he knows,
• think about what answer we want to hear.

But in the end, he may not come to action. We will see the picture like this: the child does not listen to us.

Advice! Say directly what needs to be done.

If you want to ask your child leading questions, then you should consider several points:

• It is worth talking to the baby in a language he understands. This applies to any information and examples. If the little one doesn’t know something, then either the example needs to be changed or explained.
• Using examples/questions will make the explanation longer. Be prepared not for an instant result, but for a conversation of 10-200 minutes.
• Make multi-step arguments. No one wants to raise a child with dog commands: “lie down, sit, ew.” We want the child to learn to make the right decisions on his own. This can be achieved by teaching your baby to think. How to do it:
• prepare for the conversation in advance;
• think about what is interesting at his age;
• build a conversation from simple/understandable to complex based on the baby’s interest
• Avoid questions with ambiguous answers.

Growing understanding is not built on just one conversation. But you can do it!

Justify punishments

If a 3-year-old child does not obey, what should I do? Of course, he needs to be punished. But your method of influence must be explained. The child must understand that he did something wrong and why exactly he is being punished. Otherwise, he may become very angry and harbor a grudge for many years. Sometimes parents think that everything is already clear here, and there is no need to explain the reason. But that's not true. Little ones are not yet able to instantly compare all the facts and come to the appropriate conclusions. If you calmly explain everything to the child, then he will no longer be so offended, and he will begin to reflect on his action.

How should you punish your child? Many parents use not only verbal, but also physical methods of influence. Psychologists and psychiatrists note that the latter methods are absolutely unacceptable. Research shows that this measure does not improve emotional contact between children and adults, but, on the contrary, alienates them from each other. Physical punishment leads not only to misunderstandings in relationships, but also to the formation of grievances and various complexes. As a result, the grown-up child will behave inappropriately, aggressively and become uncontrollable.

Is it okay to punish young children verbally? What do experts think about this and what advice do they give? A child of 3 years old does not obey only for the reason that this cannot be stopped in any way. Wrong behavior must be corrected - this is what psychiatrists and psychologists think. If the baby behaves inappropriately, the father or mother should immediately express their opinion and make it clear that they do not approve of such actions. Punishments like “Then I won’t buy a toy” or “You won’t watch TV” are absolutely ineffective. If a child indulges in pranks or is capricious, it will be enough to calmly reprimand him and explain without shouting why he should not behave this way. This method of influencing a disobedient child will be the most correct.

Separate action from personality

Psychologists also note that parents often make the mistake of verbally punishing their child. If he does something bad, he is immediately called bad. But this is not so. The kid simply did something that contradicts society's ideas about norms.

If a 3-year-old child does not listen, what should he do and say in this case? It would be correct to say that the act is ugly, therefore it characterizes the person from the bad side. With this approach, the child’s personality itself is not affected. One must be extremely careful in choosing expressions. At this age, it is very easy for children to believe in their worthlessness and inferiority. As a result, the child will not obey, but on the plus side he will develop self-doubt.

How to punish a child and is it worth it?

There are several methods of punishment:

• Physical. This method includes slaps on the head, spanking, etc. Most psychologists agree that in families where parents do not disdain such punishment, they often cross the line and begin to abuse their children. Before spanking in the heat of the moment, first calm down, think it over and choose a more appropriate punishment.
• Deprivation of something pleasant. It could be anything - going to the cinema, buying a new toy or ice cream. In principle, a good way of punishment. Allows you to reach out without harsh methods.
• Words. This method at first seems very gentle, but humiliation and threats only cause resentment, anger, and depression in response. As a result, a person grows up with low self-esteem, which is the cause of many problems. It is recommended to pay more attention to positive qualities, to praise in front of friends and relatives even for minor successes.
• Insulation. Most parents practice this method. It involves standing in a corner or locking yourself in a room. However, first you need to explain the reason for the punishment. When used correctly, this method does not cause any harm.
• Punishment by labor. If you are forced to clean your room or work in your garden, after many years you will grow up to be a person who has no desire to achieve success in such important areas of life as study, etc. Working under pressure never led to the formation of a correct assessment of the perception of life.

Is it possible to give in to a child?

Children, even at an early age, are quite smart. Therefore, they quickly realize that they are constantly being inferior. But adults should not give in, especially if their child makes a scene. In situations where a 3-year-old child does not obey, Evgeniy Olegovich Komarovsky, a famous doctor and writer, recommends that adults ignore tantrums and other inappropriate behavior. Children's crying and whims test the strength of their parents' nerves. If you remain calm and do not react in any way, the impact of hysteria will be postponed until the next incident, and over time it will be completely forgotten.

Of course, you need to approach everything wisely and in some cases give in to your baby, because he is just learning about this world. According to experts in the field of psychology, those things that contribute to the development of character and help to remain safe should always remain unshakable. For example, a child should know from an early age that it is forbidden to play on the road, run a red light, play with fire, or make noise in a public place. You can and should give in to the little one if he is sick. At such moments, children should receive special support and attention. If a child wants a desired toy, then it should not be bought on demand, but, for example, for the next holiday. This way the baby will learn to understand that everything costs money and is not given for nothing.

Tips on how to calm a fussy child

From about 3-4 years of age, the child stops obeying and begins to be capricious . Often, with his behavior, he worries not only mom and dad, but also strangers. Therefore, it is important for parents to be able to adjust their child’s mood, regardless of the situation.

Effective ways to help calm your child:

1. Switching attention. A quick and effective method that is applicable in any situation. For example, a child is naughty on public transport. How to distract his attention? Take out your smartphone and show him photographs of birds, cartoon characters, and unusual animals. This action must be accompanied by an enticing speech: “Do you want me to show you an elephant with huge ears?” or “let me play you a video with funny kittens.” You need to act situationally.
2. Interlocutor mode. Sometimes you just need to talk to your baby and try to explain to him why he experiences certain sensations. In this case, you need to behave gently and carefully, without raising your voice. Bad behavior due to lack of attention can be easily corrected using this method.
3. Ignoring. If a child is persistently naughty, then it makes sense to start ignoring him. At the same time, it is important to observe his reaction, behavior and condition, without showing your interest. The ignoring method is best used alone with the child. The baby may not calm down for a long time and cause discomfort to others.

These are quick ways to calm a child down and prevent him from causing a commotion and throwing a huge tantrum. As a rule, when a child is already on edge, softer or, on the contrary, harsh methods stop working. For example, if you spank your child or threaten him with a ban on watching cartoons in the future, he will probably become even angrier.

A child does not obey at 3 years old: advice from psychologists and psychiatrists

• Do not be fooled by provocations, talk patiently with the child in a calm tone.
• Do not give up, defend your position to the end.
• When hysterical, you don’t need to tell them that it’s bad. This will only increase the crying and screaming. It is better to ignore or divert attention to something else.
• You cannot force a child to act directly. It is much more effective to do this in a playful way.
• You can change your desires. For example, “Today you won’t be able to buy ice cream, but juice and fruit yogurt are easy!”
• If the baby requires something, you can give him the right to choose, but only from those options that are suitable for an adult.
• Always encourage children for showing independence.

When a three-year-old doesn't listen, you need to be patient, understanding, and diplomatic. Do not forget that the child is learning about the world and is still learning to behave in it.