Infantility in men: what to do if you get an adult child?

• Signs of infantility
• Irresponsibility
• Lack of earnings
• Dependency on mother
• Inability to manage a personal budget
• Intellectualization
• Rivalry with children
• Lack of patience and will

Infantility is certain character traits and behavior of a mature person that prevent him from growing up. According to experts, infantilism occurs due to various defects in the upbringing of an individual, most often found in men .

Unfortunately, it is not always possible to immediately identify such a personality: infantiles carefully hide their essence from society. To avoid falling into the trap of such a man, you should listen to the opinion of psychologists.

Types of infantilism

First, let’s figure out what types of infantilism we will be talking about. Depending on the area, this word has different meanings. In psychiatry, it is a pathological developmental delay when a teenager's behavior and emotional reactions correspond to those of children (or when an adult behaves like a child or teenager). There is also physiological infantilism - accordingly, physiological pathology, a delay in the development of organs and systems. In everyday use, it most often refers to psychological and/or social infantilism, which is not associated with pathologies. It is these types that we propose to focus on.

Main features and signs of infantile behavior

In psychology, we talk about infantilism when adults (according to the passport) people in life exhibit traits characteristic of a child or, rather, a teenager. In such cases, they note that we have an immature, infantile personality. Moreover, we repeat, this has nothing to do with mental pathologies. This means that the hero of our story is generally healthy, but his way of thinking and behavioral patterns do not correspond to those of mature individuals. What exactly do you mean?

Let's look at the most obvious signs of infantilism.

• First of all, this is the inability to make decisions and bear responsibility - for the choice made, for the work performed, etc. An adult realizes that every decision he makes leads to certain consequences - significant or insignificant, good or bad.

  
  The “adult child” categorically does not want to take responsibility.

• This is also connected with another important feature of an infantile person: he does not know how to solve problems. If they do arise, our hero waits for a “grown-up” adult (parents, spouse, friends) to come and fix everything, or at least tell him what needs to be done to fix everything. This also leads to the fact that a person is not able to assess the true consequences of certain of his actions - after all, in general, such an assessment is made for them by others. Some people perceive the price of any offense at the “school level”: everything can be gotten rid of with lectures from the teacher and an entry in the diary. Whereas in adult life, sometimes everything is much more serious.
• “Adult children” tend to shift responsibility - they almost always blame others. Such individuals cannot take responsibility not only for themselves, but also for others, and in addition, they can be quite selfish. This is a consequence of the inability to understand the thoughts, feelings, and point of view of other people. However, in this matter everything depends on the psychology of a particular person.
• Many immature individuals will choose the latter between serious business and pleasure (sometimes regardless of the importance of the matter). “Adult children” are often unable to force themselves to do something and do not think about the consequences this may lead to. For the sake of momentary desires, they are capable of behaving very irresponsibly. They also rarely think about the future – both their own and other people’s.

Here we recall the opposition between the limbic brain and the neocortex in McLean’s “Three Brains” model]]>. “Mature” adults know how to tame the limbic brain and follow what the neocortex says. At the same time, infantiles often simply obey the limbic system and do not even make attempts to cope with its impulses.

Signs of infantilism in a man

This type of character is characterized by social immaturity. Other signs of an infantile man are as follows:

1. Dislike for your work activity. Lack of moral satisfaction from your work. Such a man has been dragging his feet for years, constantly complaining about his dissatisfaction, but does not take any action to find another job.
2. Problems with women appear. Such men make a lot of colorful promises about changes in life, but in reality everything remains the same. Such a person may make a date with a girl and not show up, subsequently coming up with various excuses for his behavior.
3. An infantile man constantly maintains contact with his mother, calls her on any issue, and corresponds. No step is taken without her knowledge.
4. It will be difficult for a woman to build a relationship with such a man, since he is not shy about demonstrating his helplessness in business and his inability to understand life’s issues.
5. An infantile person is one who tries to look for a lifelong friend comparable to his mother, and his relationships are often built on the “mother and son” principle. He expects that such a woman will take on all the hardships of family life, and he will play the role of husband-son.

Social infantilism

Very close to psychological and social infantilism. It also assumes that we have a mentally healthy person who does not want to accept responsibility and solve problems. In this case, these are issues of socialization, adaptation to environmental conditions, and social values. Mainly - the reluctance to take on the responsibility associated with new “adult” responsibilities for such individuals.

It should be noted that social infantilism contains not only an objective, but also an evaluative component.

The point is that the starting point here is the values ​​and mores of society. Values ​​change - for example, from generation to generation, and with such a change in the eyes of parents, their children will be social infantiles.

For example, now some women do not see the meaning of life in starting a family and raising children (traditional values). In the eyes of one part of society, such ladies look, at best, as infantile girls who do not want to take responsibility. In the eyes of another part, the decision not to have children can be even more responsible than the decision to give birth if a woman understands that she is not yet ready for this from a financial or moral point of view.

Thus, if representatives of the older generation talk about young people as completely infantile, they most likely mean social infantilism (or people who use this word may not know its meaning at all, but that’s a completely different story).

Since the psychological and sociological types are, in principle, quite close, we propose to further consider them together.

Types of infantile men

There are two types of such individuals:

Perception of a woman as a mother

The man realizes that he simply needs the care that his mother gave him in childhood. To be completely happy, they need to be fed, served and, preferably, provided financially. He recognizes and gives all power to his chosen one. Such guys are popularly known as henpecked guys. In the modern world, full of tolerance, we often have to talk about men leaving, so to speak, to the other side. Becoming a homosexual in their case also means falling under the tutelage of a strong personality, in this case another man.

An infantile man who categorically denies his inadequacy

This type chooses a nondescript woman as his chosen one, who will elevate him in the eyes of others. He has a constant need to increase self-esteem. Self-sufficient women not only do not attract such individuals, but completely repel them. They are catastrophically afraid of equality in relationships, so they choose girls who are incapable of this due to their intellectual qualities. But subsequently, such men become bored, which leads to the accumulation of mistresses. This method allows you to hide your immaturity and be considered very popular in the eyes of society.

Infantile in work and personal life

Infantile men and women strive for an easy life, in which there are no serious worries and problems - like in childhood. At the same time, an “adult child” can be a very successful specialist in his field, but in everyday life, in relationships, behave like a teenager (flexible or capricious). But it also happens that he has problems with his work. For example, some people turn off the path when faced with even a small obstacle. They immediately give up, transfer the project to other employees, refuse promising positions and tasks, for fear of not being able to cope. Others are too irresponsible to rely on because they think it's okay to quit their job because they get bored or want to do something else. All this, of course, complicates the career path.

Infantilism knows no gender: it occurs with equal success in both men and women. It should also be noted that this phenomenon is far from new, and “adult children” have existed at all times.

As for family relationships, the heroes of our story may well be in strong relationships. But they are not looking for a partner, but for a parent - someone who will solve all their problems for them. If their significant other is satisfied with this role, then this union can be quite harmonious. “Older children” are suitable for those who prefer to make their own decisions for themselves and for others and who like everything to be the way they want. An “adult child” also has children of his own. Often, these two “types” of children enjoy spending time together, playing, etc. It is important here that the boy or girl still had an example of a “grown-up” adult before his eyes.

Contrary to the opinion of some people, a passion for computer games, science fiction, films, books, comics, collecting toys, etc. in itself is not at all a sign of infantilism in adults. Just as individual character traits or attitudes to certain life issues that do not coincide with the public point of view (marriage, children, work) do not speak about this. In future articles we will look at this issue in more detail. In the meantime, let us note: to be an infantile person means to exhibit many of the above-mentioned traits in a complex!

Signs of infantility

Psychologists have identified 7 signs indicating a man’s immaturity—they will help every woman identify such a personality in a timely manner.

Irresponsibility

Most often, in relationships, “right” men occupy a leading position: they are not afraid of difficulties and solve family problems on their own. An infantile man acts the other way around .

He shifts his problems onto the woman and expects her to act

In case of dissatisfaction or reproaches on her part, he causes a scandal or simply leaves for the next victim.

Irresponsible infantile man

Lack of earnings

The man does not seek to earn money . He lacks ambition and desire to provide for his family; he spends the money he earns exclusively on himself and entertainment . He does not stay long in one workplace and tries to leave as quickly as possible. Therefore, the infant sits on the neck of his parents or spouse for a long time, being in adulthood.

Dependency on mother

Mom is the only authority for an infantile man. She has a great understanding of girls, gives advice to her son about organizing his personal life and always tries to solve his problems. Therefore, the infantile always listens to her opinion and is afraid to go against her. As a result, he marries late or remains single for the rest of his life.

Infantile dependent on mother

Inability to manage a personal budget

The infantile does not understand the value of money - he is capable of spending a month’s salary in 1 day on his every whim

Often infantiles gamble, take out loans and make rash deals. According to psychologists, such a man becomes the best client of financial pyramids, as he easily falls into the trap of scammers.

Intellectualization

The infantile constantly talks about the meaning of life. He talks a lot, but does nothing . Work and physical labor do not bring him pleasure, so he tries to avoid them. You should not expect help and support from such a man - he will not help around the house, earn big money and fulfill his duties.

Rivalry with children

Deep down, the infant feels like an eternal child and even in adulthood he seriously competes with his younger brothers and sisters, does not admit defeat and harbors a grudge against children . Such a man may show self-centeredness, daydreaming, capriciousness and a disdainful attitude towards society.

Infantile man-child

Lack of patience and will

Infantility manifests itself in everything - it can be laziness, eternal fatigue, the inability to complete the work started, irresponsibility and childishness. Such qualities do not allow a man to become a role model, move up the career ladder, or achieve success in life.

The main mistake of an infantile is that he wants everything here and now

He makes no effort to achieve his goals because he hopes for a miracle. A consumer attitude towards life is developed, so you should not expect initiative from an infant - he will never become a good father, head and breadwinner of the family.

Reasons for the development of infantilism

As you know, many personality traits stem from childhood. Social and psychological infantilism is no exception. Moreover, in most cases it is associated with educational errors on the part of parents. Among the most common reasons are overprotection, the desire to please the child in everything, to protect him from all problems and worries, to run to help even before he asks for it.

]]>Imposed feeling of guilt]]> is one unpleasant thing that appears as a result of mistakes in education

Completely ignoring the opinions and feelings of a little person, making all the decisions for him (what to wear, what to play and what to do), and trying to embody in a son or daughter what the parent himself failed to do has a negative impact.

There are other reasons why children grow up according to their passport, but not according to their personal development. However, education is too large a topic that should be considered separately. The most important thing: due to the fact that parents constantly and at the root “cut off” the child’s decisions, dreams, aspirations, desires, ambitions, emotions, intentions, in the end he simply stops thinking and deciding on his own. Why, if it will still be as mom or dad say? Because of this, the process of formation and maturation of personality in a young person is disrupted, and as a result, it never matures.

Having become an adult, such a person tries his best to maintain the status quo - that is, not deciding anything for himself, not coping with difficulties, doing what others say. This has its advantages too. Are there any disadvantages? Yes, and there can be quite a lot of them.

How to get along with an infantile husband?

Correct behavior with an infantile partner will allow you to minimize the negative manifestations of his character. Even with a big child, you can come to an agreement and teach him the simple wisdom of adult life. How to behave with an infantile husband:

1. Don't play along with his behavior. The more you pay attention to his whims, the more often he shows his childish character traits. Surely you have seen that small children run away, fool around, and poor parents cannot calm them down. Seasoned moms and dads usually simply ignore such behavior or pretend to leave. Then the child calms down after a while, pulls himself together and obeys. Take the example of wise parents and do not indulge a man when he begins to show his immaturity. Give him time to calm down and think about his behavior. And then he himself will come up to you with an apologetic expression on his face to make peace.
2. Don't take on the role of mom. There is no need to iron his socks or pack his clothes for work. Let the man take care of his basic needs himself. Perhaps he doesn’t even realize that laundry doesn’t become clean unless it is washed, and food doesn’t magically appear in the refrigerator - he needs to earn money and buy it in the store. Plunge him into adult life so that the man feels all its everyday difficulties first hand. Most likely, at first he will resist, but you must be persistent and not give in to blackmail and manipulation. Sooner or later, your husband will learn to be independent and understand that you are not his mother and also need care and support.
3. Don't be afraid to shift responsibility onto him. Running out of money for groceries? A great reason to give yourself a fasting day and make your husband worry about how to refill the refrigerator. Are his jeans torn? Let him darn himself or go to the store and buy them without your watchful supervision. Did you buy two sizes smaller? Well, from now on we will approach this issue more responsibly. Only by trial and error can you teach your infantile husband to behave like an adult. Perhaps he will accuse you of all mortal sins or whine you to take on his responsibilities, but under no circumstances give up. Educational measures in your situation are simply necessary.

Find the courage that your partner lacks and fight his temper. It's a tough task, but you can do it if you really want to.

What are the problems of infantilism?

• One of the main problems for some adult children is that they cannot be truly happy. They don't know what they really like in life because before that, all the decisions were made for them. If someone is lucky and really likes their business, great. However, many are not so lucky, but they are forced to take a job they don’t like for years, because they cannot decide to change it and/or get a new profession.
• Similarly with personal life - even if there is a significant other, in fact, an “adult child” can be very lonely.

  
  Because a) the person chose not a partner, but a parent who does everything the way he wants; b) it is not a fact that the infantile made this choice on his own, and not everyone decided for him.

• Immature individuals depend on other people, on their opinions and on their actions. Left to their own devices, they risk becoming helpless. Of course, a mature person also needs close people, but we are not talking about dependence here.
• The heroes of our story are hiding from internal problems and fears, because this is precisely the area where others cannot decide for them. But such problems and fears do not disappear; on the contrary, they only become stronger.
• Also, many “adult children” are quite suggestible and easily succumb to the influence and manipulation of others. Many people fall for advertising, including very dubious ones, buying unnecessary things. Some get involved in scams, financial pyramids, etc. This feature is due to the fact that many “big kids” are drawn to easy money and magical ways to get it. It’s as if we have before us a special belief in miracles, characteristic of children, only at a “quasi-adult” level.

Is it possible to get rid of infantilism?

It is possible to get rid of infantilism. Formally, in order to stop being infantile, a person needs to realize that his life depends only on him, that he can change it himself, that he has the right to his opinion, his decisions, emotions and desires, as well as to implement everything he has planned in life. It doesn’t look too complicated - in theory, all this is given to us from birth. However, in practice, if a person of conscious age has never listened to himself and made decisions,

it may be difficult for him to adjust. Therefore, not everyone manages to overcome infantilism without the help of a psychologist.

The desire of the person himself to change is also important. Many “adult children” do not see the peculiarities of their thinking and behavior. Everything described above is present for them rather on a subconscious level. They don’t think that mom/dad/husband/wife will come and solve all the problems. They don't understand that they can't make a decision themselves. They think (and say) things like, “I need to get some advice before I give a final answer.” Such people are proud enough to consider all imposed decisions as their own.

In addition, outwardly it is very convenient to be under eternal care, and if before the hero of our story lived within the framework of the “parent-child” model, it means that he had such an opportunity. However, if a person feels lonely, unhappy, or has some problems or fears, he himself may want to change something in himself and in his life. And for “adult children” this is already a big step forward.

So what should you choose, compromise or withdrawal?

You can never fully compromise with an infantile man. So if you can't do it, don't do it. If compromise is not possible at all in your situation, then you need to decide whether you want to stay with this person or whether you are better off leaving. At first, it may be difficult to understand that a man is indeed showing signs of immaturity. Therefore, you should always take enough time when meeting men. And get to know the person well before you build a family life with him.

Are you in a relationship with an infantile man?

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about the author

Julia

Want to know how to achieve your life goal? This blog will help you learn how to apply psychology to your relationships, health and well-being. My goal is to teach my readers how to maximize their effectiveness in life.