How to behave if a child does not obey: 6 rules for raising children

At a certain stage, many parents are faced with a situation where children stop obeying and do the opposite. They dictate their terms all the time and want to become sole owners. Any attempt to improve relations leads to a scandal and a showdown. If this problem is not solved in a timely manner, then it subsequently rolls up like a snowball, and children at this time do not listen to adults at all. This article is not intended to teach how to raise your child. Its task is based on making parents think about why the child does not obey, why adults have a desire to punish him, and what results can be obtained with different approaches to education.

Childhood disobedience is a common family problem.

Reasons for children's disobedience

Psychologists have identified the main reasons for children’s disobedience and why they do not want to comply with their parents’ demands.

Attention deficit. The modern rhythm of life often leads to children experiencing a lack of attention from adults. They always do not have enough time to talk with them, play, exercise. But they will always find time to scold and punish their child. A striking example of this is when a mother is walking with her toddler on the playground and meets her friend. Naturally, mommy switches to her, and the baby, left alone, tries in every possible way to attract attention to himself. He runs up and throws sand at the mother, who raises her voice at him in bewilderment. As a result, the crying baby and the irritated mother go home.

What does mom see? She is offended that other parents paid attention to them and concluded that she is raising her child poorly if he allows such liberties. What does the toddler see? He invited his mother to play together, in the end they paid attention to him to yell at him, they don’t like me, they’re not interested in me

The struggle for self-affirmation - manifestations
of the baby’s self-affirmation . In this case, children show disobedience when their parents overprotect them; they try to “put a straw” under every child’s step.

The decision to take revenge. Sometimes adults don't notice when they do something reckless that undermines trust and relationships. They promised to take me to the circus and stayed at home, keeping the secret, and then immediately told my grandmother on the phone and punished me without finding out the motive. And immediately the child’s principle comes into play: “You are so, well, I’ll take revenge on you.”

The reason for children's revenge

Lack of self-confidence . There are times when guys often hear words such as “dumb”, “stupid”, “crooked”. Their actions confirm the prevailing opinion. It’s not for nothing that child psychologists say: “If you tell a child 10 times that he’s a pig, by the 11th he’ll grunt.”

The most common adult mistakes

When a child does not want to obey, the blame often falls on adults because they make mistakes when communicating with children. The most common ones are:

There is no eye contact in communication between an adult and a child. If you want children to hear what you want to convey to them, then look them in the eyes and say what is necessary.
An adult sets too difficult tasks. If you tell a 5-6 year old child something that is too long, he will most likely get confused and not understand anything. You need to divide the request into several simple actions.
A vaguely formulated thought. If you find a baby in the mud, you don’t need to ask how long he plans to stay there. The request should be clearly formulated: “Get out of the puddle!” Otherwise, he will take everything literally and stay there for a while longer.
Raising the tone will not help resolve the issue; as a result, the little one will be afraid, but the actions that irritate the adult so much will be carried out on the sly. In any situation, it is necessary to maintain a measured and calm tone.

Lack of contact is one of the reasons for disobedience

Waiting for quick action. Children under 10 years old need some time in order to fulfill the request. State the requirement and give time to respond to it.
A request and a simultaneous denial. Here you need to remember: “No” is not perceived by a child! He doesn’t hear “No”, he ignores it. Negatives should be replaced, for example, “Don’t get into the mud” with an analogy in another version: “Let’s walk around on the grass.”

Should children be completely submissive to their parents?

Dear parents, if children do not comply with your requests (orders, instructions), then you have no one to blame for the current situation, you are solely to blame for this. You are doing something wrong. It's worth trying to find out what exactly it is.

Think, maybe you are demanding too much from your child? Since childhood, I remember well the phrase: “Even sheep can be obedient.” Maybe you shouldn’t make a child an “obedient lamb”?

The situation when children in some families are literally “trained” and jump up even at the first sight, not to mention the words of their parents, also has unfavorable development in the future. At first, overly obedient children cause affection, even envy among some - “what good guys, but my dunce needs to be repeated ten times.”

But someday these children will grow up and, as adults, will begin to willingly obey another stronger, more assertive and authoritative leader. And he may well turn out to be a scoundrel, even a criminal. This is exactly what obedient performers are needed.

Dear parents, think carefully about whether it is worth making a “quiet sheep” out of your own child, who will not even be able to defend his opinion in front of someone more arrogant and repel the rogue.

Disobedience at 2 years old

When a child at 2 years old does not obey, sometimes the parents do not understand what is happening and how to act, because a moment passes, and from an angel the baby turns into an obnoxious child. First of all, there is no need to panic, because when babies exhibit bad behavior, this is a normal phenomenon. This is an indicator that they are growing up and developing correctly, it’s just that the parents did not have time to grow up with the child.

There is no need to scream, screaming will only aggravate the situation, the little one will throw even more hysterics.

When a 2-year-old child does not obey, then it is worth trying to get on the same level with him, to acknowledge his demands, unless, of course, they threaten life and health. Parents must be consistent; if a 2-year-old toddler is hysterical because he was not given chocolate, then you should not follow his lead. Otherwise, the child will subsequently use whims and hysterics to achieve the intended goal.

Disobedience at 2-3 years of age is the result of a crisis of self-affirmation

You should give your toddler the right to choose; of course, at 2 years old he cannot eat chocolate, but you can offer him an apple or a banana. He must feel that he is taken into account and that he is the master of life. During a hysteria, you should try to switch the baby’s attention to some important matter, ask him to feed the cat, or water the flowers. At this age they love to help around the house.

Another important condition for a baby’s good mood is good sleep. A well-rested child usually does not throw tantrums, knows how to behave well and copes well with his emotions.

What to do if your child doesn't listen

The main thing is to formulate the task correctly: not to force the child to obey his parents, but to teach him, otherwise such goal-setting is doomed to failure. And that's why.

Fritz Perls, an outstanding German psychotherapist, constantly cited the example of the relationship between parents and children, when the former took on the role of “top dog”, and the latter - “bottom dog”. The former want to be power and authority for the latter; their methods of influence are orders, punishment, threats, pressure. The child has other weapons - flattery, blackmail, lies, tears, manipulation, sabotage. And in a conflict situation, in 90% of cases the “dog from below” wins.

In this regard, Fritz Perls gave parents practical advice: if they want their child to obey them, they need to stop forcing him to do it, commanding, teaching, shaming.

Basic techniques and methods

Maintain a daily routine

If from a young age you teach him to get up and go to bed, eat, and walk at the same time, in the future you can avoid situations when he refuses to do this. It will simply be due to the habit of his body.

Household duties

This is more difficult. Often acts of disobedience are associated precisely with the refusal to put away one’s things, keep one’s room in order, or help around the house. This is where L. S. Vygotsky’s technique comes to the rescue:

The specific housework that you want to teach your child to do is first done by him and his parents.
Give him detailed instructions on how to do it alone (you can illustrate it for little ones).
Several times he must do this alone, but under adult supervision.
Performing the desired action independently (and regularly!).

Playful/competitive activities

Do you want to teach your child to obey the first time? Nothing could be easier! Put any request in the form of a game or competition. At a younger age it is captivating and works 100%. It is better to replace the commanding tone (“Sit down and eat the soup right away!”) with a playful one (“I bet dad will eat faster than you?”). However, the main thing here is not to go too far. This technique should be used only in extreme situations, when you feel that the baby’s behavior is getting out of control. In other cases, behave neutrally (“Let’s go / it’s time to eat”).

Example. The parents decided to introduce their son to sports. We bought a wall bars for home and installed a horizontal bar in the yard. No amount of persuasion forced the boy to start studying. Exactly until his dad suggested that he organize weekly home Olympics. They created a table of who would do how many push-ups/pull-ups/squats, and agreed on prizes. It is clear that we had to prepare for the final competition throughout the week. So the child was taught to play sports.

Prohibited zone

To teach a child how to behave with adults and obey, Yu. B. Gippenreiter (a famous psychologist) suggests parents draw 4 color sectors and write prohibitions in them:

Green sector - what is 100% allowed without any restrictions (for example, helping around the house).
Yellow - what is allowed with restrictions (walking only at a certain time).
Orange - allowed in exceptional cases (going to bed a little later on holidays).
Red - you can’t under any circumstances (shout, demand, disobey).

Conversations

This is a universal method that is suitable for any age, including teenagers, because with them it is most difficult to choose behavior tactics. The sooner you explain to a child that he needs to obey his parents, the faster he will learn this rule. From the age of two, talk to your child about this simple truth so that it remains in his head.

At an older age, conversations are needed in order to find out the reason for uncontrollable behavior. You can openly ask about this - if he trusts his parents, he will talk about his experiences. You can try to find out this through leading questions. In any case, the situation cannot be ignored; it must be discussed so as not to completely lose control.

Methods of punishment

It happens that an act of disobedience is characterized by unacceptable aggression and is not dictated by any logical reasons (he just wanted to do this, disobey, do it his own way out of harm). In such cases, the question arises of how to punish the child in order to indicate to him that he did wrong. In this case, the advice of a psychologist will help.

Deprivation of privileges: for example, restriction or complete ban of gadgets.
Correction of what was done: scattered toys - let him collect them himself.
Awareness of what he has done: leave him alone in the room for a while so that he thinks about his behavior. At the same time, it is necessary that he does not have access to his favorite entertainment (computer, toys, TV, telephone).
Apology: Teach your child to ask for forgiveness. And not only because he offended someone, but even because he did not listen to you.
Ignoring: Show him your displeasure and do not communicate with him for a certain time.
Gaining a negative experience: allow him to do what he wants if you know for sure that there will be a negative result. This way he will understand that listening to adults is still useful.
Limiting communication: If the act of disobedience had something to do with friends (they persuaded him to go somewhere without your permission), temporarily stop their interaction.
Socially useful work: if he doesn’t obey, let him wash the dishes or vacuum, even if this is not part of his duties.

Parents must understand one simple truth: if a good, non-conflict, calm child suddenly stops obeying, there are always reasons for this. It is not character or nurture that manifests itself in acts of disobedience all the time. This is some kind of single factor, a personal crisis, an age-related feature. They need to be identified and worked through so that such incidents occur as rarely as possible and do not spoil family relationships.

Related article: Naughty child - who is to blame?

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Disobedience at 5 years old

Parents often wonder what to do if a child of 4-5 years old does not obey. A five-year-old child understands everything much better than an adult thinks; he absorbs everything like a sponge.

A simple “no” is no longer enough for him; he demands an explanation of why he can’t, and when he can, and what will happen if he violates the parental ban.

Disobedience at 5 years old manifests itself in antics.
Psychologists give the following recommendations regarding children 5 years old:

If a parent threatens a child with anything, then he must certainly do it. You can’t promise and not do otherwise, then you can lose your authority; it’s easier for a child to see obliging people around who know what they want. Cowardice, for example, promised that he would not watch a fairy tale for bad behavior, but then regretted it and gave it, harming the relationship between an adult and a child.
If your child continues to behave badly no matter what, then it’s worth looking around to see what caused this behavior. The problem can only be solved by eliminating the roots of misunderstanding.
There is no need to resort to threats, the child already understands everything perfectly, you should choose the right tone and wording of the request. Instead of: “Don’t force me to take action if I see you on your feet again,” you can say: “I expect to rest, so I believe that you will go to bed and are not going to walk around the apartment.”
When a child feels a friendly relationship with a parent, he will not throw tantrums, he will want to come to an agreement and reveal to them what worries him.

Disobedience at 7 years old

A child at the age of 7 does not obey because he recognizes himself as an adult, thus he shows that he can be quite independent and does not need excessive care. The baby already understands his social significance and understands perfectly well that in some moments he can have his own opinion.

Disobedience at 7 years old - the child considers himself already an adult

In order for a student to hear his parents, he must address him respectfully. At the age of 7 it will no longer be possible to say “because”, since he needs to know “why not”. If the baby is heard, then he will begin to listen to adults. At this age, he still needs prohibitions, as they help shape his behavior and develop discipline and responsibility.

Children are great manipulators who understand perfectly how to get what they need from adults. And, if parents understand that their child is trying to get what they want in this way, then they should not support such behavior.

The habit of “obeying parents”

Three vectors in obedience

The child screams and does not listen to anyone
The child obeys everyone
Or the child obeys selective people, ideally parents.

The third option is the most preferable. Such children grow up to be selective, thinking and reasoning individuals.

Disobedience at 10 years old

If a 10-year-old child does not obey his parents, then this indicates the beginning of a transition period when he does not want to study and listen to anyone. Naturally, many parents who are not indifferent to their children’s fate literally find no place for themselves. Psychologists recommend putting yourself in his place. Teenagers need freedom from parental care, their orders, endless advice, and morality.

What should parents do? No matter how paradoxical it may sound, you need to limit them from your care, you can let them feel freedom, deprived of parental advice, decrees and moral reading.

At the age of 10, friends have more authority than parents.
In fact, adults should not let the situation take its course, but keep everything under their strict control. Believe me, a little time will pass and the 10-year-old son will come for advice, he will need advice and talk about his experiences.

So what to do?

This age requires a minimum number of prohibitions. Children should be prohibited only from things that really pose a danger to them. Parents should try to be friends, know their friends, what kind of music they prefer to listen to, what interests them. This age indicates a limitation of parental power; for them, the neighboring 10-year-old Petka has more authority than his professor dad.

The main thing is not to panic, try to understand your offspring, gradually everything will return to normal.

Why doesn't the child listen?

If a child does not obey and behaves differently than before, do not rush to punish him or drag him to a consultation with a psychologist. It is necessary to find out the reason for this unexpected behavior. And believe me: the problem, most likely, is not at all in your education system, because then such outbursts of disobedience and stubbornness would be permanent. If this is an isolated case, it indicates some kind of turning point in the formation of the child’s personality, which must be resolved with minimal losses.

The most common reasons why children do not obey their parents are as follows:

Age crisis (3, 7, 10, 13-14 years).
Resentment (unfairly punished, not noticed, said too much).
Bad mood, poor health, illness.
Interpersonal conflict with any person from the environment.
Discrepancy between what is desired and reality.
Rejection of the behavior and beliefs of one of the adults.
If at the birth of the second child the first one stops obeying, the reason is banal - elementary jealousy and a feeling of uselessness.
Accidents: they gave you an undeserved grade, a friend betrayed you, your homework didn’t work out, you lost something, you weren’t allowed to go for a walk, etc.
Lack of love, attention, care from adults.
The desire to assert oneself, to prove to everyone and to oneself the strength of one’s character.

You need to understand that these are only the most common reasons. Do not forget that each child is individual, so he may have his own motives that go beyond the typical.

Conclusion. The first step towards correcting a child’s misbehavior is to understand why this is happening and try to eliminate the cause of unexpected and “unplanned” disobedience.

Case from practice. Sometimes it is difficult to understand what motivates a child, because the cause may be an accident for which no one is to blame, but, nevertheless, it can turn his inner world upside down. The parents of a seven-year-old boy turned to a psychologist. Until a certain point, he grew up happy and adequate - calm, polite, studied well, went to music school. The family is prosperous. At some point, he suddenly closed himself off from everyone, became gloomy and gloomy, began to snap back, disobey, could simply ignore adults, and began to study poorly. We analyzed all possible reasons, from bullying at school to the age crisis.

The real reason turned out to be completely different - an absurd accident that almost broke the boy’s psyche. One day a neighbor came to visit his mother, they were sitting in the kitchen, the door was slightly open. The child went to ask something, but suddenly heard his mother talking about the fact that he was adopted! She told how he was taken from the orphanage as a small child, how difficult it was for him and his dad, and stuff like that. The point is that he understood the conversation that way. In fact, his mother read the guest a note on social networks about another family. This was the reason for the unexpected rebellious explosion.

To convince the child that he understood everything wrong, I had to look for that note, involve a neighbor, but most importantly, the problem was solved.

How to punish a child, recommendations from a psychologist

No matter how paradoxical it may sound, children feel calmer when they are punished. Because it is easier for them to grow up in a stable environment, and not when their parents change their minds at the first opportunity. If a child does not obey, then psychologists give some recommendations on how to punish him.

Physical punishment must be abandoned

You cannot punish in a fit of anger, you need to calm down, and then apply educational measures.
The child must understand why he is being punished.
You cannot punish for the same offense several times.
Punishment should only occur if the child is truly at fault.
Disassembly must not be carried out in the presence of strangers.
During punishment, the child must understand that he is punished for an offense, but they have not stopped loving him.
If a child is punished unfairly, then the parent must muster courage and apologize to him.

Many psychologists advise not to raise children, but to educate yourself, since children will still be like us.

How to learn to trust your daughter and let her go

Previously, it was simply a feat for me to let my daughter go. Allow her to go to school on her own, decide for herself what to wear on the street, study on her own without control on my part.

Letting go is a very important moment in a girl's life. At a certain time, a mother needs to allow her daughter to be independent. It is necessary to reduce the control associated with studying, with clothes and with friends. You can give advice and accompany. But don't control it. Otherwise, the daughter will not have the opportunity to grow up.

Grow up correctly. Growing up, going through your life lessons, getting your head in, gaining your experience. In order to grow up in due time, and not at 35 years old.

To do this, a mother needs to learn to trust her daughter, to trust the world. But how to do this? This is where women's fairy tales come to the rescue. They describe basic women's values, show possible scenarios for the development of women's destiny, and reveal the main pitfalls and dangers. By living fairy tales with your daughter, you can teach her “smartness,” warn her, and show her the consequences of her actions. But the main thing is to explain that in life, as in a fairy tale, the end is always logical. Wonderful fairy tales for girls' education - “Cinderella”, “Morozko”, “Geese and Swans”, “The Princess and the Pea” and many others.