What to do if a 5 year old child does not obey his parents

Content

• Does age matter?
• Age crises in children 3-7 years old
• A child does not obey at the age of 8-12: what to do?
• How to deal with a naughty teenager?
• Why doesn't the child listen?
• Tips for Parents Establishing Contact Before Requesting or Demanding
• Five minute rule
• Other tips

How to respond to disobedience?

Typical problems and reasons for children's insubordination have already been discussed. Now you need to understand what parents should do if the child does not obey.

It is worth noting that we will talk about actions that still remain within the normal range. That is, we will consider disobedience, and not deviant behavior.

A useful and relevant article in which a psychologist explains why you should not yell at a child and how parental yelling affects his future life.

Another important article that is devoted to the topic of physical punishment. The psychologist will clearly explain why you should not hit children.

Child exhibits dangerous behavior

What to do with a child if he behaves so thoughtlessly that it threatens his health or even life? It is necessary to introduce a system of rigid boundaries that are prohibited from crossing.

A 3-year-old child, actively exploring the world, simply has no idea how dangerous it is. However, due to age characteristics, he does not understand lengthy explanations, so the system of restrictions is based on conditioned reflexive behavior.

A child, having heard a certain word, is obliged to stop purely reflexively. This is important because there is not always time to explain the current situation and the likely consequences.

For this whole structure to work, you need:

• choose a signal word that would mean a categorical prohibition. It is best not to use the word “impossible” for this purpose, since the child hears it all the time. The signals “stop”, “danger”, “prohibit” are suitable;
• demonstrate the relationship between a signal word and a negative consequence . Of course, the situation should not pose a serious danger to the child. For example, if a child pulls his finger towards a needle, you can allow him to feel the pain from the sharp one. In truly dangerous situations, you need to repeatedly pronounce the signal expression: “It is dangerous to take a knife.”, “It is dangerous to touch the stove.”;
• remove emotions . Sometimes a child of 5 years of age deliberately provokes danger so that his mother is afraid for him, and he is saturated with her emotions. That's why you shouldn't show your strong feelings when your baby behaves like this.

The introduction of categorical prohibitions should also be accompanied by a reduction in other restrictions, since otherwise there is a risk that the child will simply become confused about what can and cannot be done.

The child protests

As already noted, children go through several crises, which are characterized by protest sentiments. A growing person strives for autonomy, but rarely is a parent ready to provide it at 5, 8 or 9 years old.

What should parents do in this case? Allow the child to be more independent and make decisions. Agree, you can give him the opportunity to decide what he will have for breakfast or what he will wear to school.

Such things may seem trivial to parents, but for a growing child it is a kind of pass into the adult world. He also feels that he can benefit his loved ones.

If the child insists on completing a task that is obviously “losing”, allow him to do it (unless, of course, this will harm the child himself). However, after an unsatisfactory result, there is no need to say, they say, I warned you, etc.

If the protest turns into hysteria, the adult should remain calm, otherwise the emotional outburst will only intensify. You need to save the child from the audience, hold him close to you or, on the contrary, move away a little, without letting him out of sight. It all depends on the circumstances.

The child disturbs others

In this case, it is necessary to make it clear that there are general behavioral principles that must be observed. Naturally, if a child does not obey at the age of 4, then he may simply not understand the importance of fulfilling these requirements.

And yet it is necessary to make comments, explain and, ultimately, raise children. Therefore, the mother must repeat seemingly obvious things for the second and eighth time: “Don’t kick the chair, because the man in front is uncomfortable sitting.”

If it doesn’t work out now, then by the age of 8 the child will have learned the rules of behavior that mom or dad so often repeat. And the more accessible it is to explain, the sooner this moment will come.

Child ignores parents

Children do not want to listen to a parent who lectures them for two reasons:

• the child is busy, lost in his thoughts, so he doesn’t even hear what the parent is saying;
• This is another version of protest behavior.

In the first case, children who exhibit autistic traits behave this way.
However, similar behavior can also manifest itself in gifted children, since they constantly scroll through many different ideas in their heads. It is necessary to figure out exactly why the child cannot or does not want to listen in order to correct the situation in time or try to improve relationships. A qualified psychologist will tell you what to do in this case.

Protest behavior is typical for children over 9 years of age and especially for teenagers. They want more independence, so they get angry with their parents and refuse to listen to them, thus resisting their demands.

It doesn’t matter whether a rebellious teenager or a three-year-old child doesn’t listen to his parents, the methods for solving the problem will be similar. Children need to be given more independence, if this does not harm their safety, and more love and support.

The child demands to buy him something

There is no need to wait for demands and capriciousness to develop into a hysterical attack. It is best to immediately leave the store and, under a plausible pretext, pick up the child. For example, explain that you forgot the money.

The failed “buyer” must be distracted by another action. Pay attention to the cat running by, count the birds on the branch, repeat the poem you learned. Usually kids quickly forget about an unfinished purchase.

If the child is older than 6 - 7 years old, then you should already negotiate with him. Let him argue why he needs this particular thing. Find out if he might be willing to spend his pocket money (if any) on a toy or phone.

Then you should promise to add the missing amount for your birthday or New Year and buy the item you like. Naturally, the promise must be kept.

Does age matter?

With age, the child's ability and willingness to respond to the parent's requests changes. The child must learn to control his desires and impulses in order to recognize authority and meet the expectations of the people around him.

Although children often “walk on the edge” and test the boundaries of what is acceptable, systematic disobedience is a serious problem at any age. Constant disobedience can jeopardize the well-being of the child individually and the family as a whole, and can also develop into a persistent problem behavior pattern.

You think the baby is just expressing himself

If your child bites, whines, or fights, and you tell yourself that this is normal behavior for a baby and will go away with time, you have a problem. Even at a young age, you can control your child's behavior. Ask what made him angry, why did he start biting? Deal with your emotions. If you don't force your child to think about the consequences of his behavior, you are making him spoiled. This only makes the problem you have worse.

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Age crises in children 3-7 years old

Preschool children are egocentric - in their opinion, the world exists solely to satisfy their needs and interests. At this stage, the child has already formed trust in parents and guardians, but there is an instinctive feeling of danger and suspicion towards other people, especially strangers.

Preschoolers begin to control their behavior and test the boundaries of independence and permissiveness. They think and reason in concrete terms rather than in abstract and hypothetical images. Preschoolers do not evaluate things and situations from someone else's point of view. Every action has an egocentric, clearly directed goal. Children of this age do not put their desires on the backburner - when they want something, they want it immediately.

All this makes them sensitive to their surroundings. Family harmony and stability in the home are the basis for a child’s peace and happiness. Scandals and quarrels in the family can leave a significant imprint on the psyche of a preschooler. As a result, he may withdraw into himself, try to look elsewhere for support, or try to escape.

Tips to help you improve your relationship with your preschool child:

• Create a daily routine with enough time for sleep and leisure, as well as regular meals. A tired, hungry and bored child is prone to irritability and disobedience;
• concentrate only on direct communication with the child. Put everything aside and don’t be distracted by anything. Make eye contact if you want to say or ask for something;
• Be a good example by demonstrating communication skills such as listening, focusing, making eye contact and asking follow-up questions;
• communicate in accessible language and simple concepts;
• clarify that the child listened to you, understood and took the words into action. A simple “yes” is enough;
• “Because I said so...” – you don’t always need to explain the reasons behind the request, as this sometimes leads to unnecessary questions and quarrels;
• Avoid repeating the same question or request over and over again - this undermines your authority.

These tips will help strengthen parental authority and improve your relationship with your preschooler. At this age, a child will be less likely to resist and disobey if he receives clear instructions and feels supported.

“Fiend of Hell” or How to raise a disobedient child?

Each of us has once observed the following picture: a little curly angel is spread out on the floor of a store and, with wild screams, urgently demands to buy something for him, and next to him stands a confused parent, who is terribly embarrassed for his ill-mannered child in front of others.
Some of us even managed to walk in the shoes of this same parent, observing our own uncontrollable offspring.

How to avoid such unpleasant moments? How to achieve understanding and obedience from our obstinate children? It is these questions that we will try to find answers to.

What to do if the baby doesn’t listen?

Even the most wonderful and flexible baby can show disobedience at some point. This can happen at a fairly early age. The fact is that our baby grows and develops not only in the physical sense. As you grow older, your personality develops and your character develops.

And at this moment it is extremely important to monitor not only how the baby is dressed and what he is fed, but also to correctly form a model of his behavior and level of obedience. If “holidays of disobedience” happen to your offspring only sporadically, you can use the following advice from psychologists:

1. It is necessary to take into account the age and level of development of the child when formulating requests and demands. That is, the baby must understand what you require of him and be able to fulfill this requirement.
2. The offense and punishment must be interrelated in time and intensity. The child must realize that it is for this offense that he is being punished, so you should not postpone the punishment until dad comes home from work or the next day. In addition, the severity of the offense must be balanced with the intensity of the punishment. If this is a minor prank, just talking to the baby will be enough.
3. Calm yourself down before deciding on punishment. Often, when punishing children, parents themselves are in an extremely unstable emotional state. This cannot but affect the correctness of decision-making, and not for the better. Therefore, pull yourself together and talk to your baby calmly.
4. Use your personal example to form the basis of your child’s behavior. “Do as I do, not as I say” - this statement should become fundamental for parents. If you forbid your child to watch TV for a long time, you should not spend the whole day with him on the weekend. If you want your child to obey his elders, you should not conflict with his grandmother in front of him.
5. You too may be wrong in your judgments. Be prepared to discuss the problem and reconsider bad decisions. This will give your child confidence that you will always act fairly towards him.

1. Always reward good behavior. Don't forget to praise your baby for being obedient, reward him with a sweet, a toy, or a trip to the zoo for excellent behavior.
   Perhaps he will again want to receive a well-deserved reward.
2. Assess behavior, not personality. Never tell your child that he is bad. Emphasize that he did something bad. By doing this, you give the child the opportunity to improve and adjust their behavior.
3. Try to find reasons for bad behavior. Ask your child why he behaves this way. Check with someone who spent the whole day with him. Perhaps someone taught him or tuned him. This is very important, because later you will be able to eliminate the negative influence.

Problem kid

If deviations in behavior are permanent, then perhaps you are dealing with a so-called “difficult child.” In fact, you shouldn’t hang labels and apply very harsh measures . First, we need to understand the origin of total disobedience. Psychologists identify four main reasons:

1. Fight for attention. For normal personality development, the baby needs your love and attention. But often being busy doesn’t give you the opportunity to devote enough time to your baby. In this case, the baby finds a way to attract maximum of your attention - he stops listening.
2. The struggle for self-affirmation. If you communicate with a child only in a commanding tone, suppress his personality, do not want to listen and understand - be prepared for a protest.
3. The desire for revenge. It occurs if the child feels uncomfortable in the family. For example, he feels that parents pay more attention to the youngest, or as a result of a divorce, a stepfather came into the family. The principle “If I feel bad, then let it be bad for you” works here.
4. Losing faith in your own success. If a child constantly hears criticism in his direction, sooner or later he will develop low self-esteem. “Why try, you still won’t please your parents.” At the same time, complete external aloofness: “Even if I’m bad, I don’t care.”

No matter what happens in your life, no matter how busy you are, do not forget that a little person is growing and developing next to you. He needs to be loved, understood, and given enough time and attention. Remember, a child is not born “difficult.” It becomes this way under the influence of external negative factors, by eliminating which you will undoubtedly get a positive result.

Capricious baby

Nothing drives parents crazy like the endless whims of their harmful offspring. Crying, screaming, hysterics are nothing more than an attempt to attract the attention of parents.

In order not to develop this orientation in the behavior of the baby, you need to adhere to three basic principles:

1. Pay attention only to the child's good behavior. It's actually very difficult to ignore bad behavior.
   This is the first thing that catches your eye and evokes a response. But you have to try. The baby should know that as soon as he starts to grumble and be capricious, mom and dad will turn away and leave. In the absence of an audience, the performance has no meaning, and the little one will quickly calm down.
2. Reinforce good behavior with praise. It is very important to describe the behavior for which you praise the child.
   For example: “Thank you, baby, for helping me carry the groceries” or “What a great guy you are for putting on your pajamas yourself.” This will form a connection in children's minds between good behavior and praise. Focus all your attention on good words, do not praise the baby while burying your face in your tablet or TV. At the same time, look satisfied and joyful; if you say “well done” in a tired or dissatisfied tone, then such praise will definitely not work. Don't forget about physical contact. Children thrive when they are given a loving pat on the head or a hug.
3. Switch your baby's attention to something else. If your children are still very young, you can avoid whims and tears by switching their attention to something more exciting.
   This should be done in a playful way, easily and naturally. For example: if your baby desperately resists the evening wash, focus his attention on the pleasant aspects of the upcoming action. Instead of: “Hurry to the bath!”, say: “Let’s check how the rubber duck blows bubbles.” This is a very simple and very effective way to avoid unnecessary vagaries.

Stubborn child

Some children simply torment their parents with their stubbornness. But is stubbornness always a negative trait? The desire to think for yourself and defend your beliefs is not so bad in the scale of life. You must understand that your child's stubbornness is part of his personality.

Accept the baby as he is, do not try to defeat and suppress his nature. Realize that simple parenting methods do not work here and an individual approach is needed. In the process of upbringing, you need to help the child maintain strong character traits, without allowing them to interfere with his successful development.

In order not to experience difficulties in raising a stubborn person, start acting like a cunning parent, that is, influence the baby with indirect methods:

1. Give your child the illusion of choice. A stubborn person needs more than a direct order, he needs to be given options. For example: “Which hat will you wear – green or blue?” At the same time, the option of going outside without a hat is not considered at all.
2. No matter what happens, stay calm. Don't get angry or raise your voice. Children tend to copy behavior. Don't be surprised if your stubborn person makes his demands loudly if you do the same to him.
3. To avoid this, try to avoid punishment. Understand the situation and correctly explain to the stubborn person the cause-and-effect relationship between the offense and its consequences.
   For example, despite the prohibitions, the baby ran around the apartment so much that he caught the floor lamp and broke it. Without corporal punishment or screaming, explain to him that since it was his fault that such a nuisance occurred, you will have to postpone your planned trip to the circus and buy a new lamp. Let the child understand that he himself punished himself for disobedience, and not the tyrants and despots of his parents.

Ill-mannered little devil

A child of infancy demands satisfaction of his needs immediately, as they arise, without wanting to wait a second.

Provided proper upbringing, as the child grows older, he learns to relate his requirements to the desires and capabilities of those around him. It develops such an important skill as patience.

But, if your grown-up offspring still demands instant fulfillment of all his demands, it is obvious that serious flaws have been made in his upbringing.

What to do if the child is already spoiled by bad upbringing? Definitely take action and the sooner the better. Try to teach your baby to be patient using the following techniques:

1. Do not comply with your child's demands instantly. For example, when he asks you to read a book to him, do not drop everything you are doing, but say that you will do it when you are free.
2. Gradually lengthen the time it takes to respond to his requests. The walk will not take place on demand, but after lunch, when mom has completed her household chores. And the trip to the park will not be until Sunday, when dad has a day off.
3. Agree in advance with other family members and grandparents that they will not interfere in the cultivation of patience in order to lure your beloved child to your side.

Kindergarten education

It is even more difficult for preschool teachers to cope with a disobedient child. After all, it is impossible to concentrate all your attention on one ill-mannered child. Therefore, it is necessary to combine the individual educational process with the group one. The first step is to find out the reasons for disobedience. They can be caused not only by the child’s bad manners, but also by external factors:

• Malaise of the body.
• Discomfort.
• Age crises.

If the first two factors can be eliminated, then crises will have to be patiently waited out. Psychologists know two crisis periods for children. These are 3 years and 7 years.

At 3 years old, the child becomes aware of himself as an individual and begins to actively assert himself. During this period, you need to be patient and try to negotiate with the baby without oppressing his personality.

At the age of 7, a child’s worldview changes. The baby experiences a lot of emotions, he begins to study himself, compare his behavior with the behavior of adults. During this period, teachers and parents need to become an example for a growing person.

Inappropriate behavior of children in kindergarten can also be caused by mistakes in the behavior of the teachers themselves:

1. Inexperience of a young specialist. Children are excellent psychologists. And if they sense weakness on the part of the teacher, they will definitely take advantage of it.
2. Lack of attention from the teacher. It is common knowledge that if you take your mind off the little mischief makers for a short time, you will be in for trouble.
   Therefore, constant attention from the teacher to the children entrusted to him is simply necessary.
3. Inability to organize leisure time. Children spend 9 to 12 hours a day in kindergarten.
   In order for children to enjoy attending the group, the teacher needs to properly organize their leisure time, taking into account not only the age and individual characteristics of the wards, but also their interests. Any activity should be developmental in nature, only then will children maintain a stable interest in activities and games.

Based on the above, we can draw the following conclusion. When enrolling your well-mannered, slightly ill-mannered, or completely spoiled, but still dear and beloved offspring in a preschool institution, be sure to inquire about the professional level of the teachers who will raise the child in your absence. And do not forget that the most important influence on the child is still you - his parents.

Useful video

Check out visually how to raise a naughty child in the video below:

Conclusion

Children are our everything. For any loving parent, there is nothing more important than raising their offspring to be a worthy and successful person. It’s so nice to see your child’s achievements and clearly understand that this is largely the result of your conscious actions aimed at shaping his personality, thinking and basic behavior.

A child does not obey at the age of 8-12: what to do?

In elementary school, children interact more with their peers, teachers, and other authority figures. They begin to feel confident and proud of their successes, skills and new abilities. Their sense of identity is not yet developed strongly enough - children are only “probing” it, learning self-control and independence. However, since their attitudes to risk, responsibility and social norms are not mature, they tend to act impulsively, driven by curiosity.

Schoolchildren behave in a more organized and reasoned manner than their younger brothers and sisters. However, such children are still not able to think abstractly - most of their thoughts and actions are aimed at a specific, clearly defined goal. Students can generalize specific information, but requests and rules set by parents must still be clear and reasonable:

• Always try to give your child a choice between two possible options. Insist on choosing from the proposed options, even if children demand another option;
• include in your daily routine mandatory communication with your child on various topics;
• do not solve all the problems for the child - it is better to ask what solution he sees, discuss the pros and cons;
• Use authoritative phrases such as “I want you to...” and “Now is the time for you to...”;
• assert your power and authority in a calm but decisive tone;
• Ask your child to think and write about what he did wrong and how to fix it. Then discuss it;
• Simplify the “family rules” as much as possible. Examples: (1) respect yourself and others, (2) respect other people's property, and (3) obey and follow through. These rules will become the basis of a positive family atmosphere.

Clear rules, instructions and upholding parental authority are very important for a proper relationship with a child of primary school age. Children must learn respect. Additionally, students need to be taught that while it is important to acknowledge and share their emotions, they should not take over and cause discord within the family.

Reasons for children's disobedience

Parents of overly active children wonder whether this behavior is the norm or is it some kind of deviation in the development of the baby. If a child is uncontrollable at 5 years old, psychologists advise trying to understand the motives of the child’s behavior. The reason may be hidden both in mental disorders and in a banal lack of parental attention.

Hyperactivity

A healthy child is always mobile and active - this is the norm. However, if he is unable to concentrate on the words of adults, does not listen, and even while playing is distracted by extraneous things, this is hyperactivity, which is a deviation from the norm. The difference between an active and a hyperactive child is that active children complete their plans and clearly answer the question of why they did this. A hyperactive person is unable to explain the motives for his behavior.

Possible causes of hyperactivity in children:

• genetic predisposition;
• biological abnormalities;
• psychosocial factors.

Hyperactivity is explained by birth injuries to the brain, pathologies of intrauterine development of the fetus, or hereditary predisposition. Everything is very individual and the diagnosis must be made by a competent specialist.

Adult attention deficit

The pace of life of adults and their constant preoccupation with their problems often leads to the child becoming aware of his uselessness. In order to somehow remind himself of himself, the little one begins to behave differently from other children. He is capricious, makes noise, throws toys around and does not obey at all. All his actions are aimed at attracting the attention of adults and as soon as he achieves this, he calms down.

Children need love and affection, so parents need to pay attention to the whims of their children, because they do not arise out of the blue. If a child, being mentally healthy, often makes scandals and throws tantrums, he experiences a lack of attention from adults. You need to spend more time with him, play, walk - and his psychological state will return to normal.

How to deal with a naughty teenager?

Teenagers have a more developed sense of self-identity. The way they perceive themselves determines their view of their place and importance in the world. This forms the basis of values ​​and beliefs that guide their behavior. They better understand the rules and expectations that society places on them. However, it is important to understand that adolescents are constantly “testing” their degree of independence and control in the context of these boundaries.

The behavior of a teenager depends on three factors: personality, degree of excitability and the amount of accumulated stress. Young people are less likely to take risks, but their behavior often seems more challenging. But, more often than not, this happens unintentionally. They just need clear boundaries within which they will develop and mature.

If a teenage child does not feel support, respect and recognition in the family, he will look for it elsewhere. In addition, without the participation of family members in his life, a teenager becomes aggressive and depressed.

According to official statistics, more than 50 thousand children leave home in the Russian Federation every year. The average age of the “lost” is 10-13 years. Children run away or become disobedient for various reasons:

• domestic violence or child abuse;
• family problems (for example, parents moving away, divorce, new child, new stepfather/stepmother);
• bullying and bullying in an educational institution;
• stress due to problems at school, peer pressure, alcohol or drug use, or other problems (for example, unrequited love, money problems, poor living conditions, etc.).

There may also be mental health problems, including depression and anxiety. Or the teenager did something that he is embarrassed and ashamed of.

The first important step when a teenager is disobedient, when he refuses to fulfill requests and follow the rules of his parents, is to study the reasons and deeper motives of his behavior. Resolve these issues calmly and with understanding. Ask for an explanation.

1. As a parent, focus on your attitude towards your child, not on your parenting and discipline methods. Keep a positive attitude.
2. Show your teen love, respect, and importance at all times. Keep in mind that teenagers are especially sensitive to failure and rejection.
3. Remember that in adolescence, a child experiences all feelings in an exaggerated form - be it shame, embarrassment, fear, love, and so on. Show respect and empathy for his emotions.
4. Respect your child's experience and intelligence. He is now in the early stages of taking control of his life. Show your teenager that you see his development, see how he has grown and become wiser. Be a friend and mentor, not a commander and boss.
5. Explain clearly and clearly what you want from your child. Forget about hints and veiled forms of presenting information.
6. Look, speak and act with complete confidence in your parental authority.
7. Don't fight with your teenager for power. For example, do not prohibit doing something, but warn about possible consequences.
8. Provide supervision at the level at which the child demonstrates maturity. For example: if a child shows selfishness and egocentrism, then you should be demanding and even manipulative;
9. if he moves from struggle to cooperation, then you must replace dictatorship with a willingness to negotiate;
10. If the child has a well-developed sense of responsibility, then choose a soft control option (encourage his initiatives, show respect and sympathy.

Accept that your child will likely want to stretch his wings a little and test his independence as he enters the teenage phase of development. It is important that you allow him to interact with the world on his terms, as long as your teen is relatively safe.

Now let's look at some of the possible reasons why children are disobedient and how to deal with it.

How to restore contact with your child?

1. Sincere, conscious obedience is possible only in a trusting relationship, when the child recognizes that the parent is so far coping better with problems. In contrast to strict, unconditional obedience, in a trusting relationship, a child can ask questions that interest him without fear of incurring the parent’s wrath. We should ask the child counter questions more often, making it clear that the problem may have several solutions and now you are thinking about which option to prefer. “What do you think is the best thing to do? Can I count on your help? Can I ask you to do this?
2. If you want to ask your child for something important, do not shout to him across the room, but go up and hug him. Physical contact is a metaphor for deep psychological contact. This is a way to convey your calm and interested attitude. This is a way to say: “We are together, and this is the main thing. What I tell you will not break our contact. I only hope to strengthen it. The most important thing is the relationship, not the desire of each of us.”
3. Another rule: look confidently into the child’s eyes. If your movements are rough and your gaze is harsh, the child will perceive this as a threat, an attempt to put psychological pressure on him, and will perceive a request to fulfill something as an ultimatum.
4. Your requests will be fulfilled if you do not forget to thank the child for the service rendered and the assignment completed. Warm words will strengthen the child's feeling that he is loved even more and that he has the power to improve the relationship. It's worth working for. Children value moral and psychological encouragement much more than sweets. If a child breaks out of this pattern, it means that you have not found the words or are perceived by the child as a person whose feelings cannot be relied upon and whose words cannot be trusted.
5. In emergency situations, such as when the safety of the family is threatened, everyone must obey the elder unconditionally. The child needs to be told about problematic cases and explained that strict adherence to the rules saves people’s lives and health. The severity of the rules and the severity of parents are the degrees of a tough relationship with the world. You can negotiate with your parents. The rules are the same for everyone. Show that you yourself are willing to “listen and obey” in special situations.

Why doesn't the child listen?

There are many reasons why a child does not want to obey and take into account your desires and demands. Perhaps he simply does not understand what is required of him. There is a huge difference between a child who chooses to disobey instructions or act contrary to your expectations and a child who is unable to follow those instructions.

The conscious choice not to listen to a parent is often based on benefit - the child perceives disobedience as an opportunity to show off in front of friends, have fun, or escape from an unpleasant situation. He may not understand at all why obedience is expected of him, may not see the unpleasant consequences of his disobedience, or, on the contrary, expect discomfort from obeying his parent. Older children may also become distrustful if they perceive that a parent or other authority figure lacks wisdom and respect.

Failure to meet requirements is something completely different. The child may not understand what is expected of him. He may be unable to control his emotions or control his behavior. Such children most often exhibit internal discomfort or conflict, which prompts them to do “strange” things.

Once you, as a parent or educator, understand whether your child's behavior is a conscious choice or an involuntary action, you must move on to assessing this behavior. Try to be objective and always look deeper to find the real reasons behind disobedience.

Some possible reasons:

• peer pressure;
• substance use;
• mood problems (eg, anxiety, depression);
• susceptibility (eg, mental retardation);
• trauma (eg, serious loss, bullying);
• problems with self-control (eg, suppression of anger, hostility);
• paranoia (eg mistrust);
• antisocial personality traits (for example, lying, callousness).

Depending on the severity, any of these issues may require professional help. If you are very concerned, it is better to consult a specialist. However, remember that, barring any serious deviations or psychological problems, systematic disobedience occurs among children of all ages when they test the boundaries of permissiveness and independence.

In addition to the tips already mentioned, distributed by age category, there are some general ways that will help a parent cope with a disobedient child.

Come up with rules

As a parent, you should neither be too soft nor too suppressive. Any extreme will bring unpleasant results. If a child is faced with a constant “no” even without being given the opportunity to choose, he will not develop the ability to make decisions and will not form his own opinion. On the other hand, if a child is rarely guided by the demands of his parents or always implements only his own choices, he will most likely grow up to be an uncontrollable child, and attempts to control him will have no effect. Therefore, there must be rules that will help the child give up his inappropriate desires. If the child persists and harms himself, tell him that, for example, the car won't start or the stroller won't move until he carries his toys or puts on his hat. Something may not work or may suddenly break. The main thing is that all this should prevent the child from doing what he really wants (for example, going to the playground or to the store).

As a parent, you want your child to feel confident, to fit in well in a group environment, and to cope with his responsibilities, but if you constantly tell your child that he is stubborn, disobedient and you are unhappy with him, he will eventually think that there is something wrong with him. that's not true. The German philosopher Kant said that stubbornness has only the form of character, but not its content. Although some children are more stubborn than others, all children exhibit stubbornness and disobedience in their behavior at one time or another. And most parents believe that in such situations they lose control over raising their child, instinctively reacting with anger. They see the child’s behavior as ignoring the parent’s will. However, what is soon discovered? Anger and fighting only make the situation worse. Instead of engaging in power struggles or trying to forcefully suppress your child's stubbornness, you as a parent can channel the child's energy in a way that benefits the child's will and fortitude. For example, Michael Saul Dell, the founder and CEO of Dell, was an extremely stubborn and persistent child as a child, and at the age of 12 he developed a basic life rule for himself: “If you think an idea is good, be sure to try it.” practice." It was because Dell chose his independent path that he was able to earn his fortune and become what he became.

Tips for parents

Experts identify two methods for establishing a relationship with a naughty child. The first one is called “making contact before asking,” and here's how it works.

Establishing contact before asking or demanding

When you want your child to do something, first calmly observe what he is doing at that moment. Assess your child's level of interest and enthusiasm.

Comment on or about what your baby is doing to show interest. “I see that you ...” or “Tell me what is so interesting about you?”

Ask if you can join him. Let your child take the lead for your participation in the common cause.

Wait for the activity to end naturally, or ask your child if he would like to do something else.

Choice gives children a sense of control. By such actions you showed the child that his opinion and hobbies are important to you.

As a result, you are much more likely to “cooperate” with your child without arguing or disobeying than if you had given immediate instructions.

Five minute rule

Another effective method is to use the 5-minute warning technique.

Children of all ages, especially young ones, resist monotonous activities. Telling your child that you want him to do something in five minutes will respond to his desire to switch from one activity to another. Don’t ask to do it right now, immediately...but in five minutes.

Again, this approach gives children a sense of control. And it gives the parent a chance to force the child to do what is needed.

For example:

- “In five minutes it’s time for you to brush your teeth”;

- “I want you to leave the house in five minutes.”

Give it a try. You will be pleasantly surprised how much this seemingly simple technique reduces hysterics, indignation and quarrels in the family.

Other tips

Here are some additional tips for dealing with an uncooperative child. Above all, remain positive, calm and respectful towards your child. Be a good role model.

1. Control your emotions. Always try to understand what you are feeling and why. Be honest with yourself. Find a deeper reason why something makes you angry, frustrated, or disapproving.
2. Express your emotions and give your child the opportunity to do the same. Don't be afraid or ashamed to tell others how you feel and why. Try to be objective and specific.
3. Stay calm even when you are upset about something. Find an activity or hobby that will help you relax and restore inner balance. You can go for a run or walk outside, listen to music and so on.
4. Try to understand your child's point of view. Ask for clarification if you don't understand something. If you have been listening carefully, the problem is already half solved.
5. Explain your position in language your child can understand. Give him or her good reasons for restrictions and restrictions.
6. Do not use threats, pressure, or intimidation to force your child to comply.
7. Discuss the issue that is bothering you. Be specific. Give your child the opportunity to explain himself. Listen carefully.
8. Don't focus on the problem. Focus on the solution. Make a list of at least three possible options. Ask a friend, family member, teacher, or neighbor for input if needed. A different point of view usually helps move things forward.
9. Show your child respect as a valuable member of the family. Recognize his strengths, skills and abilities. Make a list and see how each of these strengths can be used to solve an existing problem.
10. Give your child the freedom and opportunity to make their own decisions and experience the consequences.

These tips should help you improve your relationship with your child, regardless of his age.

Once you have identified one or more factors that play a decisive role in your child's disobedience, evaluate the impact of each of these factors on the child's physical and emotional well-being and development. If you suspect that your child's refusal to listen to and comply with your requests and instructions is systematic and has long-term consequences, you should take more decisive action.

Identified sources of frustration typically lead to behavioral problems such as insubordination, arguing or vindictiveness, and anger problems.

You must regain your child's trust and understanding. Being a family means that you are a team that always works together.

Why doesn't the child listen? Reason No. 3: the desire to show your “I”, to show your personal strength

The child protests against the ordering, dictating and intolerant tone of adults.

Against commands that require instant obedience. Against the fact that his opinion means nothing and is not listened to, against the disrespectful tone.

The child seems to be trying to show with his stubborn behavior: “I am also an individual and I want to be taken into account.” He does everything his own way and “the other way around” in the hope of asserting himself and showing his little “I”. He wants to feel his importance and significance in your eyes, to show his Personal Power (that’s what I call it).

Important! The more you try to suppress the child and force him to do what is necessary, the more he will resist and continue to be stubborn.

What to do?

Learn to see a child as an individual, be attentive to his feelings and needs, listen and hear him, respect his opinion, even if you don’t agree with him: “I think differently, but I understand. that you can have your own opinion on this matter.”

Discuss and agree with the child, get him interested in what needs to be done (a classic example is Tom Sawyer, who painted the fence and all the children stood in line to try too). At the same time, stick to your parental line.

When a child feels that you are taking him into account and coming to an agreement, and not “giving orders from above,” he will quickly meet you halfway.

We learn with parents to peacefully and calmly resolve any conflict situations with our child in the online course “A flexible child and a calm mother,” for which a new enrollment will be opened very soon. The course will run in Fall 2020 and you will have the opportunity to be earlylisted soon.

You allow yourself to be treated rudely

If your child calls you rude names, behaves disrespectfully towards you in front of other adults or in front of his friends, demands something without saying “thank you” or “please”, and you do not react in any way, full responsibility for such behavior lies with on you. If you allow your child to communicate with you in a way that you would not allow your partner or colleague to communicate with you at work, you are spoiling him. Communication should not be formal, but it should be based on respect; be sure to convey this to the child.

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