I'm cheating on my husband, but I love him very much. What to do? Advice from a psychologist.

I love my wife, but I cheat. Causes.

Before you start, we recommend reading this article: Is it possible for a husband to cheat on his wife? to learn about the consequences in advance, and also Why do wives forgive their husbands for cheating? to understand why your wife will forgive you. Now to the topic.

Since stopping to cheat on your wife means cutting off your usual personality and character traits, you need to calculate the factor of suppressing this desire in the future. You need to start by identifying the reason why you are “looking to the left.”

Psychologists note the following reasons:

Physiological dependence (Disease that needs to be treated). Similar to drug and alcohol addiction, when a person cannot independently shift the cone of attention to external factors;
Incomplete relationship with wife. There is no relationship or it causes emotional or psychological discomfort;
Spontaneous desire. Refers to uncontrollable physiological dependence, but the act is committed consciously;
Struggle with oneself, being forced not to think about intimacy. A person forces himself not to think about it, enhancing physiological processes (desire increases);
Wrong choice of spouse. Preferences for sexual intimacy do not coincide with the external indicators of the spouse;
Lack of attention. The left side receives more attention, affection and tenderness than from the wife;
Finding your ideal. Uncertainty, understanding that a mistake was made that led to marriage;
Emotional distress. Frustration of varying degrees, obtained in relationships with the rightful chosen one (her betrayal, swearing, clarification, jealousy...).

The fact that you asked the question “I love my wife, but I’m cheating, how to stop?” already indicates that you are dissatisfied with your person, which means you are close to self-determination and treatment. Only one of the above reasons cannot lead to betrayal; most likely, you have found your complex, and you need to build on it. Next, you should ask yourself a few questions, the main ones being:

Do I intend to change?
Am I refuting the definition of addiction?
Why do I want to stop cheating?

Answering these questions is difficult and not easy for everyone, but you have a lot of time and no one is rushing you. Think, perhaps, already at this stage you will be able to find a factor that in the future will establish an invisible psychological barrier between you and other girls.

I cheat on my husband, although I love him. Why is this happening?

The general gist of the letter:

Hello! Help me please! I can't understand myself. I’m cheating on my husband, but I don’t seem to want to do it, but sometimes it drags me in and only after it’s happened do I understand what I’ve done. I love my husband very much, but this is not the first time I have cheated. All the time I try to break up with my lover, but as soon as I make an appointment to talk and put an end to it, I can’t help but give up on supposedly the last time. The husband doesn’t know anything, but he seems to guess.
When I don’t see the “third wheel” for weeks, I seem to let him go, I don’t love him, but if he writes and asks me to meet, then I lose my head and for some reason I go to him when my husband is on the night shift. What is happening to me? By any chance, am I sick? How to get rid of this phenomenon? I asked my lover if he was going to legitimize our relationship, he made it clear that he was not, since I have two children. Naturally, after this I don’t want to have anything to do with him.
When I quarrel with my husband again, I leave the apartment, immediately call a taxi and again go to my lover, after the treacherous process I calm down. I cheat on my husband like this all the time, I love my husband, but I want to cheat again when I get bored with his composure or accusations of cheating (see How to prove to a husband that his wife has not cheated?)
I understand that I love my husband , but I cheated on him . what to do when I come home and he asks about my whereabouts, I remain silent.

Probably, the man (on the left side) has external attractiveness, behind which there is an emptiness with a physiological antidepressant, in fact, you “fall for” this shell. Potentially, you see your lover better than your spouse, but having lost everything, you will understand the mistake (without loss you won’t understand, so you can try to tell everything to your loved one), perhaps after this all desire to wander around the social network waiting for a message from the homewrecker will disappear. Read: Is it possible to cheat on your husband?

How to stop cheating on your wife?

A huge number of men, until they lose the most precious thing in life, do not begin to think about the consequences of their actions and do not ask the question: “How to stop cheating on your wife?” Without an understanding of values, you will not be able to stop cheating, so you need to determine what is more important to you: spending time with your mistresses or with your family, wife, children. Understand what happiness it is when you interact exclusively with family and friends, realizing that you don’t need anyone else in the world.

It is more advisable to work through this moment, if there is an understanding of the future loss of trust of the wife when facts of infidelity are discovered, try the situation on yourself, while there seem to be no consequences. Ultimately, look to the future:

If you continue to cheat, you will definitely lose your family;
If you continue your adventures, at one point you will realize that you have become unnecessary to anyone due to age, sexual dysfunction, etc., from which you will follow back, where no one is waiting for you, the children have forgotten, and your ex-wife is already married;
If you give up “left” connections, you will be able to improve relationships in the house - raising children, arranging a hearth “to the ideal”, improve your relationship with your loved one;
If your main motivator is family, you will achieve unprecedented heights in work and business, and only true, devoted friends will remain with you (life without mistakes is life without torment).

What does a mistress have that a wife doesn’t? If you were able to answer immediately, then it is better to talk about this with your legal spouse, and not with the girl “at once.” A calm, unobtrusive dialogue with your beloved will let her understand what you are missing and, if she values you, she will certainly complement the relationship with what previously prevailed to a lesser extent. Well, if she already knows about your adventures, we recommend: The wife found out about the betrayal. What to do?

The question is, of course, rhetorical. They cheat on the smart and the stupid, the beautiful and the ugly, the poor and the rich, the young and the old, the cheerful and the sad.

They cheat almost in the next room, and on long business trips, they cheat with very familiar people, and with those whose names they don’t even remember. Therefore, attempts to explain “head-on” the reason for betrayal with familiar clichés such as “long marriage”, “boring in everyday life”, etc., strictly speaking, do not entirely correspond to the true state of affairs.

Such explanations are not at all the reason for betrayal, but only a convenient excuse that, from century to century, covers up (and justifies!) suddenly arising lust “on the side.” But in this case, if it is impossible to indicate the true cause of betrayal, then how can we find an antidote to it?

Treason - what to do and who is to blame?

Let's turn to numerous Internet advisers and consultants on family and marriage issues. The abundance of their recommendations on the topic “How to prevent betrayal?” It's simply amazing. But what is even more striking is the isolation of much of this advice from the realities of life. The authors slyly avoid obvious things, which shatter all their theorizing on the problem of betrayal to smithereens.

On the other hand, some advice from psychologists and other specialists, for example, about “How to keep your husband,” is somewhat puzzling. Just listen: “create a cozy home environment that a man will not want to lose”, “take care of yourself - get a manicure, hairstyle, start dressing stylishly, etc.”, “diversify your daily menu - after all, the way to a man’s heart lies through his stomach”, “always greet him warmly, show interest in his affairs”, etc., etc.

Does anything in these tips, replicated in various publications, seem strange to you? No? Do you even agree with each of them and warmly support the authors of such recommendations?

Then let me ask you a simple question: if deceived women need exactly such (?!) advice, then what were they like before their husband’s betrayal? Apparently, on the threshold of a cluttered apartment, every day he was greeted by a gloomy, unkempt creature with bitten dirty nails in a greasy robe, sullenly throwing Doshirak noodles in a dirty bowl onto him on the dining table, and on holidays, scrambled eggs with his own hands?

I think the picture painted is unlikely. And moreover, the overwhelming majority of men, when asked about the reasons for betrayal, will answer quite sincerely: “For, “I was thinking in the wrong place.” The main part of “male” betrayals occurs precisely “at the call of the flesh.” The percentage of truly serious male hobbies “on the side” out of the total number of fleeting connections is negligible: thus, according to some estimates, out of a thousand (!) men who have cheated, only one perceives his “girlfriend” not as just another “young lady for entertainment”, but as an object that deserves to be taken seriously.

But with women it’s more difficult. If we do not take into account simply lustful persons or adultery “out of revenge” on one’s husband or boyfriend, then all other cases of “female infidelity”, as evidenced by many years of research in different countries of the world, are implicated in feelings. A woman cheats, as a rule, only when a stranger “caught” her imagination. Accordingly, her own man has stopped “catching” or is no longer “catching” so much.

What goes around comes around…

But if it is impossible to give unambiguous recommendations on the problem - how to prevent betrayal, then perhaps there are at least some warning signs of an impending threat?

I’ll be honest - I won’t undertake, unlike many, many authors, to confidently list the “painful moments”.

Why? Yes, simply because relationships between people are a very unpredictable area that cannot be squeezed into any specific framework. I can give examples of such married couples that, according to all existing schemes and approaches, should have broken up twenty times already. And these people not only continue to live together, not only do they not cheat on each other, but they truly cannot exist apart. On the other hand, there are many exemplary families by all accepted standards, where betrayal is only a matter of situation and conditions.

And therefore, when another expert on family relations begins to thoughtfully argue that a woman should remain attractive to her man until her death, and a man should arouse interest in his woman until his last day; that the comfort and reliability of the home are one hundred percent protection against betrayal, it is, of course, difficult to disagree with this, but it is also impossible to agree completely - after all, dozens of families are falling apart where there is everything - comfort, reliability, attractiveness, mutual tenderness, and etc.

conclusions

What conclusions can be drawn from all that has been said? As sad as it is to admit, no one is immune from betrayal. Moreover, both its potential victims and, by the way, those who are absolutely convinced of their own infallibility are not insured. You can shout at all corners about your upbringing, about your moral purity, about your disgust for the very concept of “treason,” but one fine day you suddenly cannot resist the temptation and call of the flesh.

I knew a family that everyone around me considered exemplary in every way. And this is not surprising: sincere love between spouses has stood the test of time (49 years of marriage!), temptations, and troubles. Both husband and wife have always been squeamish about cases of infidelity, considering this phenomenon to be moral uncleanliness and evidence of moral unscrupulousness. It was in these concepts that they raised their four sons and raised their grandchildren on the same principles. For their “golden wedding” they rented a hotel house on the seashore, where they invited almost sixty relatives and friends. And it was there, late in the evening, heavily drunk, that the husband succumbed to the charms of one of the waitresses, and was caught cheating on his wife...

So, not only should you not renounce money and prison, but also the uncontrollable call of the flesh. Another thing is that it is still possible to reduce the likelihood of betrayal if you never forget that any relationship is not a frozen “Me and You” scheme, it is an eternal process of construction, cosmetic and major repairs, the infusion of fresh ideas, mobilization of imagination and fantasy.

No matter how boring your everyday life may be, no matter how tired your everyday life may be, try not to forget that next to you is the person with whom you want to spend the entire time allotted to you on earth. For whatever reason quarrels arise between you (and, of course, they cannot be avoided - this is life), do not get personal, do not offend each other’s parents, do not start referring to unknown “well-wishers” who allegedly warned you that your chosen one (chosen one) “somewhat cloudy and unreliable.” Don’t throw around words that you will later regret: “Yes, I never loved you!”, “First get an education, and then reason!”, “Yes, I had such suitors - no match for you!”, “Yes, I should agree and our boss will leave his wife for me!”, “No one will marry such a fearful person again!”, “Is there something that doesn’t suit you? Good riddance!" and so on.

And most importantly, do not skimp on affection and tenderness: you should not divide relationships into the “candy-bouquet period” and “family life.” In order to smile gratefully at your loved one or touch his hand in passing, no special effort or time is required!

Whom to choose?

How to stop cheating on your wife or mistress with your wife? This is the problem to be solved.

It is necessary to find a person who has nothing to do with your triangle or polygon (when infidelity is disorderly), and he should not know personally either your wife or mistress. He is also called a “Soulful Friend” - a person to whom you can speak out, pour out everything that has accumulated (but more often this is a psychologist, since everyone else often gets into this relationship, giving advice from personal experience). In solitude with him, focus as much as possible on the choice. The one that comes to your mind first is your betrothed. The following factors may affect memories:

Hunger (taste memory is involved);
Physiological attraction (the first thought about a woman with whom you would like to satisfy a need);
Memories of Romanticism (the brightest moments that brought serious emotional satisfaction);
The ideal of harmony (psychological satisfaction when interacting with family or outside women).

However, you don’t have to do this with a friend, you can do it alone.

Attention.

What to do when you want to cheat on your spouse due to lack of attention or, conversely, due to its excess in the relationship?

When the reason for cheating is the spouse’s boredom due to a lot of attention and joint activities, then it is enough to create a distance that will make both miss each other.

If you lack attention, the conversation is different. As a rule, this happens on a subconscious level in attitudes from childhood, when the child, until adulthood, receives less warmth, tenderness, and love from his parents. This does not always mean that they treated the boy poorly; sometimes it comes from the frequent business trips of one of the parents or the family “shared” children and some received love in abundance, while others did not receive it at all. Then the statement “I love my wife, but I’m cheating” acquires definition and even grounds for justification.

Self-esteem decreases from lack of attention and the cheater looks for recharge on the side. To prevent this from happening, it is enough to admit your psychological problem to your wife so that she will treat you with understanding and make up for this deficiency.

What to do to make your husband stop cheating

Many wives believe that mistresses who seduced someone else's husband, but not themselves, are to blame for the betrayal of their other halves. If a woman can understand why her husband started an affair, then it is necessary to immediately change the situation so that the man no longer wants to seek comfort in someone else’s bed.

Set common goals - 1

Common goals bring us closer and unite. Achieving them requires joint efforts and the same attitude. Don't let physiological processes get the best of you.

As a rule, after 40 years a man begins a new stage in life. The children have already grown up, begun to live their own lives, and parents have more time and the opportunity to live as active a life as before the birth of children.

Only at this time does a woman experience a period when she loses her reproductive ability. Then the man has an instinct to find a new, younger partner.

At this moment, the wife also needs to begin a new stage, similar to the one before marriage. By refreshing feelings in a relationship, a woman will be able to keep her husband’s instincts under control.

Stop humiliating your spouse - 2

Today, many women prefer to be self-sufficient and independent, blaming their life partners for insolvency.

Such spouses are dissatisfied with everything that their other halves do and reproach them for not paying them enough attention and not giving them gifts. The chosen one begins to get angry, because nagging from the woman he loves irritates and completely kills the desire to please her.

It is necessary to change tactics so that a man does not want to look for adventures on the side. For example, show yourself weak so that he wants to help you. Then he will feel strong, needed and significant.

Allow him to see his friends - 3

It is very important that your husband has time to meet with his friends. He, just like you, wants to share his impressions and emotions with someone. Having shared his pain with friends, he will not look for a new passion.

Become more mature - 4

Adultery can be prevented not only through physical pleasure. Close emotional and spiritual relationships also play an important role.

Don't be jealous - 5

Tracking messages and monitoring social networks, monitoring incoming and outgoing calls, demands, surveillance, complaints, have a humiliating and offensive effect on men. If the spouse maintains strict control, he has a desire to do something contrary. Trust each other, learn to build a dialogue in which you can discuss and solve all problems.

Diversify your intimate life - 6

It often happens that after several years of married life in a couple, a moment comes when everything becomes boring. Refresh your relationship, make your sex life more varied. Don't be afraid to try new positions, make love in unusual places, buy new sexy lingerie.

What to do if you want to cheat on your wife?

How to stop cheating on your wife? It is more advisable to start fighting with yourself at the moment a desire arises. Before you take this action, turn on your head for a while and ask the question “Why am I going to do this now?”, other questions that will put an invisible barrier between you and the offense:

What motivates me?
Why am I motivated to do this again?
What will this fleetingness give me?
What does she have that her wife doesn’t?
Why should I run away from this relationship?
What do I want to achieve: divorce?
What future awaits me with that woman?
Can I, if I want to cheat on my wife, replace it with something else?

If you start lying to yourself, it will never stop. If you like it, you won't stop cheating on your wife. But remember that you have to pay for any action sooner or later. You are responsible to your loved ones and to yourself.

Perhaps you are satisfied with your double life, but your only concern is the fact that you do not fully accept yourself, tormenting and condemning your actions in your head. Perhaps you hide this weakness from yourself, otherwise you are ideal and healthy: physically, physiologically, psychologically, morally and emotionally. Think about it.

The fact is that not everyone is able to admit that he would simply like to stop feeling guilty towards his wife by continuing his adventures. This is a disease that needs to be treated, just like acute respiratory infections, only here telling your wife about your infidelities can be a “magic” pill. We wrote about how to do this correctly and without consequences in this article: How to tell your wife about your infidelity? If you are not sure, then read: How to hide cheating from your wife?

If she forgives you (you can also read: What can you do to make your wife forgive you for cheating? and A wife cannot forgive cheating. What should you do?), then in the future, before every desire for “erotic leisure,” a picture of the moment when you confessed and sought forgiveness again and again.

Test.

We have prepared a test so that you can find out how long you will be able to avoid treating your loved one the way you have done so far. Answer honestly and get an accurate result.

1. His professional life

2. What motto would you choose for your future with your husband?

3. What does he reproach you with?

4. What worries you about him?

5. Who initiated the creation of a family?

6. If you have a fight, who goes first to restore the relationship?

7. How did you like his relatives?

8. If you fall in love, then this is...

9. Your professional life

If you have any questions, you can write them in the comments. We wish you all the best!

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