Children's greed (the child is greedy): how to wean, reasons, what to do

Most children have difficulty parting with their toys and do not want to share anything. Probably every mother had to blush on the playground or at a party when their child shouted to other kids: “This is mine!” I'm not giving it!".

Greed in childhood is a natural defense mechanism. The child thus tries to defend his “property”, to win the right to own toys, books or something else. The baby observes that mom and dad have personal things that only they use. This means that the child must also have property. Read this article about how to find out the reasons for greed and teach your child to share his values.

Greed is a natural defense of one’s own “values”, a struggle for the right to possess something.

Greed - age norm or deviation

First you need to understand whether the child is consciously greedy or whether this is a natural stage of his development. The answer depends on age:

1-2 years. The concept of “greed” does not yet exist. At the age of 1-2 years, the baby is just learning to say “no”. You cannot put pressure on the child during this period. If he does not learn to say “no” from an early age, this will significantly complicate his life in the future. Experience shows that mothers who were afraid to raise greedy children grow up to be trouble-free children. When they become adults, they are easily manipulated by others.

2 years. By this age, the child already perceives his things as an extension of his own personality and consciously says “mine.” It is important that the child is sure that the things that belong to him are inviolable, no one can take them without his consent. At the age of two, a child’s self-image is formed. He begins to define the boundaries between “us” and “stranger”.

3 years. The child should already be able to refuse. If by the age of 3 the baby does not learn to say “no,” this will lead to the fact that he will indulge the whims of others to his own detriment. Because of this, he himself will suffer. The task of parents is to teach the child that it is one thing to protect their things from the attacks of other people, and another thing is outright greed, when you don’t want to share simply out of harm.

4 years. This age is the beginning of a new stage in the socialization of a little person. Communication becomes paramount, and various things and toys acquire the role of tools that help establish communication with other children. A four-year-old child already realizes that he can win someone over if he shares an interesting toy with him.

But there is another side to the coin. Parents instill in the child that unconditional love is impossible - only if he fulfills the demands of others will they begin to have a positive attitude toward him (“if you don’t give it, no one will play with you!”). This is a very dangerous stereotype - in this way the child is convinced of “commodity” relationships in the sphere of feelings and affections, and is also devalued as a person. After all, they will play only if you have some toys and you give them, and not with you as a person. Therefore, this issue must be approached very carefully!

5-7 years. If a preschooler is greedy, the reason is internal disharmony. It often happens that a child does not want to share with younger brothers and sisters and furiously snatches toys from their hands. Perhaps he is jealous of his parents, believes that the baby took the attention of mom and dad from him, and now has his eyes on his things.

Children's value system

Children are often told: “You can’t be greedy,” “Share,” “Give it to someone else to play,” and kids resist the orders of adults. Reluctance to share and assertion of property are not necessarily associated with the concept of greed. Your baby is simply protecting what he has and what is dear to him. After all, if he doesn’t learn to do this, what awaits him in the future? He will grow up weak-willed, will not be able to defend his rights, protect a loved one, and will become too compliant. Due to his age, he does not yet realize the difference in the value of things and does not understand which ones can be easily given away and which ones are important to defend. This understanding comes with time, and if this does not happen, then a compliant personality is formed, unable to object and defend honor and one’s own opinion.

A child who willlessly partes with property may in the future become too soft and driven and will not be able to protect himself, loved ones, or his own rights.

We adults have a different system of values, both moral and material. It’s strange to us why the baby won’t let one of his dozen sand cups play with him, or won’t want to throw away an ordinary pebble when he comes home. Why should a child part with his things at the request of others? Look at the situation from the other side, if an ordinary person on the street asks you to give him your personal item, bag or car keys, will you immediately give them back? Likewise, your baby does not want to give away what he considers his own, personal, and he has every right to do so. For a child, his car is as dear as a real car to you, and collected twigs or a beautiful shell are a priceless treasure.

Think about it, you yourself are teaching your child to respect other people’s property (we tell the child: “Daddy doesn’t allow you to touch this! Don’t take it, it’s mommy’s!”), not allowing you to touch your things, climb into closets and bedside tables with personal items. Do not make an exception for your child; his sense of ownership and space also needs to be respected. Children tend to perceive their favorite objects and toys as part of themselves.

Own things become especially expensive if the child is experiencing stress, for example, he recently went to kindergarten. A shabby bear, which the child does not even allow to wash, becomes an ally and “moral support” for him. During such periods, do not force your child to give away toys that are important to him, even for a while.

What if you really are greedy?

The sense of ownership can also take an unhealthy form and reach extremes. A child is not born greedy a priori; he is gradually taught to be greedy in the family. Think about it, did you tell your child that if he behaves badly, you will give all the toys to the children on the street, or did you warn the little one: “Don’t take the new locomotive to the playground, they will break it for you,” “finish it quickly, otherwise the dog will eat it." Are you familiar with such exclamations: “If you throw toys around, I’ll give them to someone else’s boy,” “If you break your car, I’ll give all your toys to kindergarten”? We often don’t think about the fact that children take all our words seriously and apply them to all life situations. And then we wonder where the negative traits came from in the child.

Parents may unconsciously impose on their child an exaggerated sense of ownership and label him: “You are greedy! Ugh, how ugly this is! You are greedy! With this approach, the child gives up very quickly, stops defending himself, and in the future will try to match the negative characteristics of his parents - this applies to any labels: “stupid, slow, dirty, whiner, fool” and so on. Calling a child such words is the surest way to cultivate these qualities.

Remember that you yourself are an example for the behavior of children - the child reflects the behavior of the parents. Parents do not always see the shortcomings in themselves that continue in their children.

Observe your child to see if he is a provocateur of quarrels due to his reluctance to share toys, distinguish in which situation your child is right, and in which he himself becomes the instigator of discord and deliberately sets up a friend, brother or sister negatively.

Reasons why children become greedy

In children under 5 years of age, greed as such does not yet exist. Starting from the age of 5, greed needs to be “treated.” First of all, you need to understand where the roots of greed come from. The reasons may be different:

The child suffers from a lack of parental care, love, warmth and attention. Little greedy people grow up in families where parents are always busy and show their love with gifts. For kids, such things become especially important, because they suffer greatly from a lack of parental affection. It is quite natural that a child will react painfully to any person’s attempts to take away his valuables.
Jealousy. If a child thinks that his parents love his brother or sister more, he will transfer his resentment to him or her. This will cause attacks of greed and aggression. There is no need to insist that the older child shares with the younger one. This will only increase his resentment and anger towards his parents.
An excess of parental love and attention. A child from whom the specks of dust are literally blown away, to whom everything is always possible, turns into a little domestic tyrant. Such a kid is sure that he is the center of the universe, and everyone around him must unquestioningly fulfill all his whims. If something doesn't go the way he wants, hysterics arise. Therefore, you need to teach your child that there should be moderation in everything.
Shyness and indecisiveness. Children with such character traits are often lonely. Their only friends are toys. They give the child a feeling of safety and security. It is not surprising that the baby does not want to share them.
Excessive frugality. Some children are so worried about the safety and integrity of their dear toys that they do not even allow anyone to touch them.
Protecting your property. This is a completely normal reaction. After all, you, too, will not remain idle if someone “opens” your car... Even if only for a ride!
Mistrust. Do you think the baby doesn’t care who he plays with (as long as he doesn’t get covered in sand)? But no! Even at two years old, a child already has his own likes and dislikes, trusts some and not others.

How children's greed grows - manifestations of greed in a child at different stages of age

Many parents notice a reluctance to share their toys, things and even food in their children. Often mothers have to blush for their little ones at a party or on the playground when the little greedy girl shouts to her peers “I won’t let you!” and hides a scoop or machine behind his back. Or he hides his toys at home from his brother (sister), categorically not wanting to share things even “for a short time, just to play.” What are the reasons?

1.5-3 years. At this age, the concept of “own/alien” has not yet been formed in the baby. Because now the baby owns the entire world he can see.
By the age of 2, the baby already consciously pronounces the word “mine!” and stops talking about himself, his beloved, in the 3rd person. This means that the first serious stage of the child’s psychological development has begun. Now he is forming an idea of himself and begins to establish boundaries separating “his” and “them.” The word “mine” from a child is a designation of his personal space, which includes everything that is dear to the baby. This is a natural process of the formation of the psyche and the emergence of the concept of “alien”. Accordingly, a child at this age should not be scolded for greed.
By the age of 3, the baby acquires the ability to say “no.” Without this ability, it will be difficult for the baby to “balance” at an older age. The inability to say “no” leads to indulging the whims of people around you to the detriment of yourself, to borrowing money that you then spend months (or even years) asking to get back, and to other consequences. Learning to say “no” is important. But it is also important to teach the child to clearly monitor the boundaries - where exactly the natural reaction to the actions of others turns into greed.
After 3 years, a new stage of socialization begins. Communication comes to the fore. Toys and personal items become tools that connect this communication. The child comes to the realization that sharing means winning people over, and being greedy means turning them against you.
At the age of 5-7 years, greed is the child’s internal disharmony, indicating internal problems. Parents should “dig deeper” and understand, first of all, their methods of education.

Greedy child - Everything will be fine

Are you trying your best to teach your child not to be greedy, but he flatly refuses to share toys on the playground, and responds to any request to share with hysterics? Today, together with psychologist Victoria Lyuborevich-Torkhova, we will identify five phrases that will help a child not be greedy:

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The main reasons for greed in children: so why is a child greedy?

To “cure” greed, you need to understand where it came from. Experts identify several main reasons:

The child lacks parental love, attention, warmth. Most often, the little greedy person grows up in families where another gift from too busy parents is a manifestation of love. The baby, yearning for the attention of mom and dad, perceives their gifts as especially valuable, and in this case, greed becomes a natural (but wrong!) consequence of the situation.
Jealousy of brothers (sisters). Most often - to the younger ones. If a brother (sister) receives more attention and parental affection, then the child automatically expresses his resentment through manifestations of greed and aggressiveness towards the brother (sister).

Excessive attention and parental love. Of course, there is never too much parental love, but by allowing the child everything (from the cradle), and satisfying his every whim, the mother ultimately raises a little tyrant. And even if you suddenly stop indulging his whims, this will not change the situation. The child simply will not understand why everything was possible before, but now nothing?
Shyness, indecisiveness. The only friends of a child who is constrained in communication are his toys. The child feels safe with them. Therefore, the baby, of course, does not want to share them.
Excessive frugality. This is the same case when a child is so worried about the safety and integrity of his dear toys that he does not allow anyone to play with them.

Greedy beef or can you teach to be generous?

As mentioned above, deprivation of freedom and the right to choose leads the child’s psyche to the decision “not to share with anyone, ever.” And this childhood resentment sits very deep. Well, a small child does not understand that if he is given a box of chocolates for a holiday, then he, as a decent person, should immediately share it with the guests. And it’s not a fact that he himself will get more than 2-3 pieces.

Does he see the same example in the family? Does mom HAVE to share lipstick with her friend? Does dad HAVE to let his friend drive his new car? How can we demand such heroism from a child?

So if you want to raise a confident, strong and generous person, you will have to FORGET about the compulsion to “share” and, by your own example, show your child over and over again that being generous is pleasant, and sometimes even profitable.

Parents helping their child

Parents are fully responsible for the life and behavior of the child, we all know this. Sometimes, to celebrate the birth of a long-awaited family member, adults want to be too good and begin to indulge every whim. As a result, the child develops the concept that he only has rights, and does not want to hear about responsibilities. From here, from the family, all problems stem, including greed. Take responsibility for your behavior and do the best you can:

Don't waste time. Don't relax and remember that a problem can arise at any moment. And then it will be too late to engage in re-education. After 9 years, changing at least something in a child’s behavior using conventional methods and methods is problematic.
Communicate more. Nothing is as valuable as time spent with your child. This is the most you can do to develop his personality and spiritual qualities. More than anything else, children need warmth and attention. This is exactly what you need to focus on - this is the best therapy for all behavioral problems.
Encourage. Not a single little thing, not a single good deed, done from the heart, should go unnoticed. You need to reward your child with words, praise, and sometimes with purchases so that he understands that generosity brings joy and encouragement.
Be wise. If a child who comes to visit urgently wants to play with your child’s toys, you don’t need to follow his lead, forgetting about the feelings of your own baby. In this case, the belief that the guest will play and give back works well. Also, do not call your child names if he decides not to give up his toys after a lot of persuasion. Watch your words: your tactlessness may be perceived in such a way that the child will believe that he is bad, greedy, unkind and will not want to change anything about himself. This also includes comparison with other children. This is a shame, no need to say that other parents were lucky. Such characteristics are remembered for a long time, transferred into adulthood and rooted in consciousness.

Remember that a lot depends on you. It is important that the child sees that you love him and does not try to earn your attitude with good behavior. Let this become a natural manifestation of life for him. Be an example for him: correct behavior is formed in the family.

How to Cultivate Generosity

Children copy their parents' behavior. You can instill in them generosity, kindness, and responsiveness only by personal example.

Together with your child, feed homeless animals, donate unnecessary clothes and things to shelters or assistance centers.

Together with your child, make crafts and gifts for grandmothers and other relatives. Let the baby feel how nice it is to give. When going on a visit, take small gifts with you.

Psychologists recommend several more ways to teach a child to share.

Give him enough attention, listen, play, be sincere. The child should feel that he is dear to you. Remember, love cannot be replaced by toys and treats.

Do not spoil your baby, do not make him the meaning of your life. Don't turn your little one into a tyrant to whom everything is allowed.
Read poems and fairy tales, watch cartoons about generosity. Discuss what you saw, heard, let your child reason.
Tell them that sharing is nice and fun, that you can and should exchange toys.

Praise him for showing kindness and generosity, and tell him you are proud of his behavior.

What not to do

If you don’t want your child to develop pathological greed and become reminiscent of Dickens’s Scrooge in adulthood, listen to the advice of psychologists.

Respect your daughter's or son's personal boundaries and sense of ownership, regardless of age. Don't give away even unwanted toys without permission. Otherwise, the child will learn that he has no right to personal belongings. And in adulthood he will turn into either a miser or a disinterested person.
Don’t force a two or three year old toddler to share. This will only make him resentful and angry. In adulthood, this will lead to pathological greed, a subconscious fear of loss.
Don't belittle your older child or call him greedy if he doesn't share with his younger brother or sister. This will cause jealousy and envy. And in adult life, such upbringing will result in a pathological feeling of disadvantage and unhealthy competition.
Do without moralizing in style; no one is friends with a greedy person. Such statements develop in the child the attitude that no one just needs me, to get attention, I need to give something. In adult life, this will result in the desire to please everyone, the abandonment of one’s own needs, and the inability to build healthy relationships with people.

Even if your child is really greedy, do not reprimand him in public and do not give him a “display spanking.”

You shouldn’t ridicule a child for his greed or suggest that others not be friends with him. This will only lower the little one’s self-esteem, and will not teach him to be generous.

Practical recommendations

Before the walk, discuss with your child what he wants to take with him and whether he is ready to share it. If not, it's best to leave the toys at home.
Before guests with children arrive, choose what the child will allow the guests to play with. Hide “particularly valuable” things.
If conflict flares up between children, try to redirect their attention. Offer a joint game with the subject of contention.
Allow your child not to share and protect his personal belongings. And to those who exclaim about your baby’s greed, offer to lend you their phone or bag for a while.
Teach your little one to ask permission from the owner of the toy. If your child is shy, ask for him.
Explain that the child is giving the item away for a while and it will definitely be returned to him.
Discuss with your child his feelings (anger). Explain that this is normal.

What to do, how to deal with a child’s greed - practical advice for parents

How to treat childhood greed? What should parents do? Experts share their recommendations:

A small child always notices everything new, beautiful and “shiny” from his peers and friends. And, of course, he demands the same for himself. Moreover, the color, size, taste, etc. must match. You should not immediately fly to the store and satisfy the whim of the baby: at 5 years old the child will demand the same bicycle as his friend’s, at 8 years old - the same computer, at 18 years old - a car . The snowball effect is guaranteed. Explain to your child from the cradle what can and cannot be bought, why all wishes cannot be fulfilled, why envy and greed are harmful. Teach your child to accept the world as it is and to appreciate the work of others.
Gently and calmly explain to your baby why he experiences such feelings, why greed is bad, why sharing is important. Teach him to recognize his emotions in a timely manner, separate his negativity from the positive, and stop when bad feelings begin to prevail over good ones.
The formation of moral values lasts up to 4-5 years. At 10 years old, it will be too late to fight that tyrant inside the child that you yourself created or did not see through.
Do not reproach or scold the little greedy person - eliminate the reasons that lead to his greed. Don’t be led by your fear “oh, what will people think” - think about the child, he will have to live with this greed in society.
Do not overdo it and clearly separate the child’s greed from his normal natural desire - to protect his territory, defend his rights or his individuality.

You can’t take a toy away from your baby and give it to that whining toddler in the sandbox against your child’s will. As a child, this equates to betrayal. You need to explain to the child why it is important to share, and make sure that the child wants it himself.
Teach your child by example: help those who need help, feed abandoned animals in nurseries, share everything with your child - a piece of cake, thoughts, household chores and relaxation.
Don’t label your baby as “greedy” and don’t go overboard in demonstrating your rejection of this feeling. “You are a greedy person, I am not friends with you today” is the wrong approach and a common parental manipulation of a child. A baby in such a situation is ready to do anything to make his mother love him again. As a result, educational goals are not achieved (the child “stops being greedy” out of banal fear), and an insecure little person grows inside the child.
Every child needs motivation to understand any situation. Always be prepared to explain to your child what is good and what is bad in this particular “presentation” so that your child becomes interested, understands and draws conclusions.
Do not shame your child in front of others - “everyone will think that you are a greedy person, ah-ah-ah!” This is also the wrong approach. This way you will raise a person who will depend on the opinions of strangers. Why should a child think about what others will think of him? The child must think about remaining honest, kind and responsive to himself.
Prepare your child in advance before a walk or visit that “there will be kids there.” Bring toys with you that he doesn't mind sharing.
Tell your little one about the pros and cons: about the joys of exchanging toys, that everyone is always happy to communicate with a kind, non-greedy person, but they don’t like to play with greedy people, etc. Give examples from “personal experience.” The main thing is not to “poke” the child, talk about a hypothetical “third party” so that the child does not think that you are lynching him, but understands that greed is bad.
If the toddler hides his toys in his bosom, and takes other people’s with pleasure, explain that such an “exchange” is not fair.

Give your child a watch and teach him to understand time periods. If the baby is so afraid that the toy will be broken or not returned, then determine the time during which “Masha will play with the car and give it back.” Let the child decide for himself whether he will change toys for 5 minutes or half an hour.
Praise your child for his kindness. Let him remember that his mother is happy when he shares toys with someone, or when he helps strangers and children.
Teach your child to respect other people's desires (that is, other people's boundaries of personal space). If your child's friend does not want to share toys, that is his right, and this right must be respected.
If your child wants to take his favorite car for a walk on the playground and has absolutely no plans to share it with anyone, then take toys with you that your child will not worry about. Let him choose them himself.

Remember that greed is normal for kids. Over time, if you become a good teacher for the baby, greed will go away on its own. Be patient. Growing up, the child will see and feel the positive impact of good deeds, and the support and approval of mom and dad will further strengthen his understanding that he is acting correctly.

Classification of greed

Children's greed is very different in its manifestation and is expressed individually in each child. Experts identify the following types of children’s reluctance to share personal belongings with others:

Owner. There is a certain category of children who, by their nature, cannot understand the concept of “general.” For them there is only “theirs” and “theirs”. It is very difficult to fight such a vision of reality, but success becomes more realistic if you seek help from a psychologist.
Bully. This type of greed is expressed in a rigid refusal to share one's things, but at the same time there is a clear desire to take possession of other people's toys. If the child does not get what he wants, then he may well start a fight.
Sufferer. These are children who strongly doubt parental love or live in unfavorable conditions. It seems to them that mom and dad think only about themselves, in particular, if they are refused to buy something they like. As a result, such children have every chance of growing up to be stingy.
Aggressor. Overprotection and indulgence in whims can also turn out to be very generous with various “surprises”. Parents who coddle their children too much ultimately risk raising them to become complete egoists. And selfishness always goes hand in hand with greed.
Single. There are children who are excessively thrifty. They value their “property” very much and try to protect it from possible “pests”.