Sometimes parents yell at their children. Out of powerlessness, out of habit, after a hard day - anything happens. And more and more on social networks there are videos of mothers swearing at their children, filmed by caring passers-by, under which a general chorus of commentators screams: call the guardianship, call the police! Let's figure out what to do if parents yell at their children on the street, and you see it, or neighbors behind the wall - seemingly prosperous people - scold their children so loudly that it bothers you. To call or not to call the guardianship? To call or not to call the police? What should I do? What should parents do if they lash out at their children and it bothers those around them?
Before you intervene, think about three things:
• Is there a threat to the safety, health, or life of the child?
• Do you want to help the child or punish the mother, who is unrestrained in emotions and language?
• Do you want to make a video to post it on your blog and get likes?
Option three is ugly. You interfere (brazenly, unceremoniously and irresponsibly) in someone else's life. There is no need to do this.
If the first question is relevant, then you should call the police, clearly explaining what is happening: the child is being beaten, the child fell on the asphalt and covers his head with his hands, the beating parent looks drunk, the child runs to you and shouts “save me!”
When else can you call the police? When the screams behind the wall contain obvious threats to the child - “the father will come and add more!”, “Oh, you creature, you will sleep on the bare floor!”
If, answering the second question, you understand that you are driven primarily by the desire to “teach this careless mother a lesson,” better stop. And return to point one.
Next, we will talk about situations where there is no physical violence, and the parents “just scream,” and they are not alcoholics, not drug addicts, not homeless people, but ordinary people.
Should you call the police?
If there is a danger to the child's life, yes. If there is no danger to the child's life, then the police do not need to be called.
What can the police do? If the police are allowed into the apartment (and they are not required to be allowed in without a piece of paper from the court), then with the consent of those who live in it, they will inspect the apartment and talk to the child (if the parents do not mind). If the child looks normal and there is no reason to believe that the parents’ behavior threatens his life and health, then that’s all.
If you write a statement, the police will interview your neighbors, interview you, draw up a report and hand it over to the local police officer to sort it out. The district police officer can call the parents for a conversation or come to their home. If they have not committed actions that the law classifies as child abuse, then the district police officer will write a refusal to initiate a criminal case.
But if complaints about noisy neighbors are frequent, the family may be registered with the juvenile affairs commission. And the guardianship authorities will closely monitor that the child leads a normal life.
The police can prevent a crime, but in a situation of “normal” family squabbling, the child will not receive help from the police - on the contrary, the child may be afraid that mom and dad will be arrested.
It is unacceptable to hit children
This is the worst thing you can imagine. Although they say that a parent’s hand will not hurt, this is not true. It may not be so noticeable physically, but the mental wound will remain for a long time. And then, by raising your hand to the child, you thereby show him that this is a normal relationship in the family. This means he will grow up and repeat the same thing with his children. How then to raise children in strictness? And this is how to educate - adhere to the rules, establish some kind of order in business, study, games, discipline. Without assault, you can perfectly find a common language with children. Moreover, by raising your hand to a child, you not only make him shed tears at night, but also develop in him a protest against all your words and actions. Coercion is not the best method of education. The best method is love, tenderness and trusting relationships. Show concern for them openly, do not skimp on a kind word and praise if they deserve it. And then they won't cry at night.
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What can be done when neighbors shout at children?
From a legal point of view
says Maria Merkuryeva, lawyer:
Call the police. If there are several appeals, the juvenile affairs commission will become involved. Complain to guardianship. Complain to the prosecutor's office. These bodies are required to protect children from violence.
Even if you have already complained and nothing has changed, continue to complain. Better - in writing. If they do not take any action, you can complain about them - to higher authorities or a higher prosecutor's office.
In addition, you can talk to the child in a neighborly manner, if he is already old enough, tell him that he can contact the guardianship authorities himself if a situation in the family is dangerous for him.
From an ethical point of view
says Svetlana Mokhova, candidate of psychological sciences, forensic psychologist:
Ideally, good neighborly relations will help. If there are any, you can talk to the screaming neighbors and how their screams are bothering you, and ask if they are okay and offer some help.
With an older child, neighbors with whom the family is on good terms can talk directly, ask how he is doing, say “come if you want to talk” or “I care how you feel.”
For parents, good neighborly relationships are an opportunity to seek help and receive support. And in moments of nervous breakdowns they are especially needed. It is unlikely that anyone will scream from an excess of mental well-being.
The police and guardians should be called in case of great dangers. Most often, there is no great danger to the child from the screaming of the parents. But the police and guardianship will not prevent the danger to the formation of the psyche, character, and self-esteem; this can be prevented by caring people.
Tips for parents
Start your education with yourself
First of all, adults should form a favorable attitude towards others from the very infancy of the baby, setting the right example. If a child sees that his family is always balanced, good-natured and friendly, such behavior will become the standard and the only correct one for him.
Having a positive example is the best way to prevent childhood aggression.
Let’s assume that mistakes were made in raising the baby, and adults are seriously concerned about the question: what to do if a child yells at his parents. There are several options.
Talk rather than shout back
When a child begins to raise his voice, under no circumstances should he start screaming. You need to say firmly and calmly: “Speak more quietly, I can hear you perfectly.” When it comes to tantrums, it's best to leave your child to his own devices. After he calms down, it will be possible to have a conversation and discuss the details of what happened.
Actively listen
If a child screams, it is better than if he withdraws into himself and is silent. You definitely need to listen to him, but do it correctly, helping the screamer calm down and sort out his feelings. The method of “active listening” will help with this.
Julia Gippenreiter in her book “Communicate with a child. How?" explains: “Actively listening to a child means “returning” to him in a conversation what he told you, while indicating his feeling.”
An example of a dialogue using the active listening method:
Daughter: I won’t go to the garden anymore! Mom: You’re upset... (possible incorrect remarks: “Why don’t you go?” or “Don’t let me hear that again!” will invariably lead to screams and scandal) Daughter: Yes, I’m upset! Sasha is fighting! Mom: Sasha is fighting and the sky is offended... Daughter: Yes! He broke my game, and I broke his car. And then he hit me on the back with a cube! Mom: My poor thing, it hurt you... (regrets) Daughter: Yes, it hurts, but you’re not there! You are never around! Mom: You miss me... (possible excuse: “I’m working” will lead to even greater resentment) Daughter: Yes, I miss you! And you never keep your promises! Summer is already over, but we haven’t gone to the zoo! Mom: I promise, we’ll go this Saturday. Now let's choose what you will wear to the garden tomorrow. Daughter: Go ahead!
Build trusting relationships
In the case of preschoolers, you should demonstrate to them your resentment and grief, both verbally and through external manifestations. In addition, it is necessary to explain to children in detail what caused mom or dad’s upset.
As for schoolchildren, they perfectly feel the attitude of adults towards themselves. Therefore, you cannot hide your feelings behind a wall of anger and shouting, but you must learn to talk about them calmly. If parents respect their child and show interest in his problems, he will readily make contact. How to build a trusting relationship with a child? A few rules will help here:
Be as open as possible
To encourage a child to “open his soul,” you yourself need to be as open as possible. This does not mean always smiling sweetly, but on the contrary, being able to correctly express your feelings in any situation, even a conflict, without shouting or threats. Psychologists advise using “I-messages” - using only the personal pronouns I, me, me in speech.
Julia Gippenreiter came up with a rule: “When you talk about your feelings to a child, speak in the first person. Report ABOUT YOURSELF , ABOUT YOUR experience, not about him, not about his behavior.”
How to correctly say: “I am upset by your behavior. It’s very difficult for me to maintain order on my own, I would be glad to have your help” or “I’m very worried when you’re late.”
How not to say: “You didn’t clean the room again!”, “You’re late again!”
Don't criticize or scold
Do not criticize your child when he told you about his mistakes and mistakes. After all, mistakes are also experience, without which it is impossible to become an independent person. If he asks for advice, then give it; if not, just listen. Let your child know that you can be trusted.
Let your child express his emotions
Sometimes children just need to throw out their emotions: scream, break, beat, cry. Let them do it. Buy a punching bag for a boy and a voodoo doll for a girl. Let your kids tear up old magazines or give them a hug and let them cry on your shoulder. A child, knowing that his feelings are understood and accepted, will always trust his parents.
In the absence of trusting relationships, conflicts occur much more often and lead to the separation of the younger generation from the older one. This is why it is so important not to judge a child for harsh attacks, but to try to find a common language with him.
What should you do if the screaming parents are you, and the neighbors called the guard?
Guardianship usually warns about a visit, and will look at how you live - whether the child has a bed, whether there is food in the house, whether there are toys and books appropriate for the child’s age. If there is no threat to the life and health of the child and everything is normal in the house, no action will follow from the guardianship. The guardianship has a policy: do not touch the family. But you may have to explain yourself, tell what happened to you.
If you can’t cope - you need psychological or material help - you can ask the guardianship how they can help (this does not mean that help will be provided, but asking for help is appropriate and sometimes, from the experience of parents, it helps to close issues with guardianship altogether enough fast).
If a representative of the guardianship authorities decides that something is wrong, they will give you time to correct the situation and come back with a second check.
But if appeals to the guardianship authorities continue, the situation does not improve, then after the third inspection the family may be recognized as being in a socially dangerous situation (SOP), then there is a risk of children being removed from the family.
Protect children from bad news
Now is the time when all channels hear only bad news. And not because only evil is happening in the world, but because the ratings of TV channels are supported only by endless tragedies and scandals. If you don’t protect your child from negative information, if you watch all the bad news with him and then discuss it in front of him, it will be a real drama. After all, children are much more sensitive than we imagine, and they understand not so little, but the mark on their soul remains indelible. For example, if a small child sees on TV that some rich parents have stolen a child and are demanding a ransom for him, he will be afraid that the same thing will happen to him. He will stop sleeping at night, wake up from nightmares and cry. But parents don’t even realize that it’s all about fears that are pumped up from the outside. A child cannot always explain what exactly he is afraid of. But he feels very good. The mother and father should try to get the baby to open up, try to tell him what worries him, and convince him of complete safety. And for this you need to be close to him. And, of course, protect him from news about crimes and disasters. This is not for the child's psyche. Moreover, the same news is exaggerated and repeated in every issue. And it seems to the child that this happens all the time.
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Are parents breaking the law when they yell at their children?
Maria Merkuryeva, lawyer says:
Violate. Parents are responsible for the upbringing and development of their children. They are obliged to take care of the health, physical, mental, spiritual and moral development of children - this is Article 63 of the Family Code.
There is also the Declaration of the Rights of the Child and the Convention on the Rights of the Child - international documents that provide special protection to children as people who have less ability to protect themselves. In accordance with them, for the full and harmonious development of his personality, a child needs to grow up in a family environment, in an atmosphere of happiness, love and understanding. The interests of the child should be the primary concern of parents and government agencies.
The principles of international acts are developed in more detail in the Law on Basic Guarantees of the Rights of the Child in the Russian Federation and are applied by courts when considering any cases related to children.
For failure to fulfill the duties of raising children, different types of parental responsibility are established: criminal (Article 156 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation), civil (Part 2 of Article 91 of the Housing Code of the Russian Federation), administrative law (Article 5.35 of the Code of the Russian Federation on Administrative Offenses ), family law (Articles 69, 73 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation).
Family psychologist's answer:
Hello, Nadya.
Unfortunately, there is only one thing to do - stop reacting. Yes, it will be difficult, but when mom realizes that her screams no longer evoke any emotions in you, she will, out of inertia, try to apply pressure for some time, and then she will understand that the old way will not work. You may be alienated for a while, but perhaps later she will learn to see you as an adult and treat you as such. Find on my website (link in profile) the article “Five Myths about Children and Parents...” and read it. I think you will understand more about the mechanisms that occur between parents and children in the family, and what sometimes is the basis for such an attitude of parents towards the child. The article “Facing a Manipulator” can also help you, which will help you find ways to resist manipulation and pressure.
Sincerely, Anton Mikhailovich Nesvitsky.
Is swearing considered child abuse in the eyes of the law?
The law protects the child from all forms of physical or psychological violence, insult or abuse, neglect or neglect, abuse or exploitation, including sexual abuse. It is assumed that the parents protect the child from this, and if the parents do not protect or are themselves to blame, the state intervenes.
However, there are no specific rules for determining what will be violence (or not) in everyday life. The main thing is causing mental or physical harm to the child. Harm as a basis for bringing liability can be either real (that is, the child has actually suffered from screaming) or potential.
A detailed description of violence is found only in criminal law. Criminal liability has been established for failure to fulfill parental responsibilities associated with child abuse. Abuse specifically: deprivation of food, shoes and clothing, gross violation of the daily routine determined by the psychophysiological needs of a child of a certain age, deprivation of sleep and rest, failure to comply with basic hygiene standards (resulting, for example, in head lice, scabies, etc.), failure to follow recommendations and doctor’s instructions for the prevention of diseases and treatment of the child, refusal or evasion of providing the child with necessary medical care, etc., as well as the use of unacceptable (in the legal and moral sense) methods of education and treatment of the child, including all types of mental, physical and sexual violence against children.
How to live if a loved one has died? Advice from psychologists
What to do if your mother died? Death always takes you by surprise. The fact that a mother has died is difficult for a child to accept, regardless of whether he is ten years old or 50. It may even take a couple of years to realize what happened. After death, you will often remember your deceased mother. Moreover, memories will emerge at the most inopportune moment. During such a period, you will really need support. It is possible that you will miss her from people. But the point here is not indifference, but the fact that they are simply afraid of hurting your soul with their words.
Sometimes you can get the opposite effect by waiting for help. At the same time, in reality, people wanted the best for you. If your soul is heavy, then ask a close friend to just listen so that your soul will feel at least a little easier.
If your mother died, how to live on? We need to prepare ourselves for a future life without her. You should not be alone for a long time with your experiences and thoughts. There is no need to rush to quickly return to the life that was before the tragedy. First of all, you won't succeed. Since life has already changed after the death of the mother, and this fact cannot be ignored. Secondly, you need enough time to mourn. People need different amounts of time. After all, each person had his own relationship with his mother, and death can be different.
Therefore, in any case, give time to adapt. Then gradually return to activities and activities that bring you joy. Believe me, a mother would never want her death to end her child's normal life.
Can a child be removed from the family if his parents scold him in a raised voice?
A child can be taken away if there is an immediate threat to his life or health - this is the norm in Article 77 of the Family Code. The article does not explain what exactly is considered an immediate threat, that is, this decision remains at the discretion of the guardianship authorities.
In addition, the police can pick up a child if he is found to be neglected. Sometimes the police believe that a child is neglected even when the parents are nearby - if, in the opinion of the police, the parents are not able to supervise the child.
If a child is taken away, the guardianship authorities are required to draw up an act and, within a few days, notify the prosecutor's office and submit to the court an application for deprivation or restriction of parental rights.
If a “neglected” child is removed, then it is not necessary to demand deprivation of parental rights: when the police find the parents (or the ability to look after the child returns to the existing ones), the child returns to the family.
The likelihood of seizure without serious grounds is very low. But it exists, because there are no clear rules for removal, and guardianship officers may make the wrong decision.
Pay attention to your physical condition
If my mother died, what should I do? You need to pay attention to your physical condition. Since grief is exhausting, plus the hassle associated with funerals and inheritance, negatively affects health. Watch your sleep, regardless of the circumstances, go to bed on time. Also, you should not be critical of your appearance during this period. It is better at such a time to take care of a balanced diet and cleanliness of the body.
If you are still crying for your mother, then carry a bottle of water with you. This way you will replenish lost fluid. In addition, thanks to the reflex mechanism, you will calm down a little. If we talk about alcohol, then you shouldn’t drink it. Since the effect will be short-term, the consequences can be serious.
