Many people experience excessive disappointment in life from the actions of others. People tend to hope that strangers, colleagues and acquaintances will definitely come to the rescue in difficult times, justify their hopes, keep their words and fulfill their promises, but in the end this does not happen and the person begins to understand that he was cruelly mistaken in his expectations. How not to take such mistakes to heart, and stop being disappointed in people?
Disappointment is a characteristic of the weak. Don't trust the disillusioned - they are almost always the powerless. Gustave Flaubert
Don't demand much from people
From disappointment in people, it becomes difficult for a person to live and breathe, it begins to seem to him that he is surrounded on all sides by traitors and liars, however, one should not aggravate everything too much.
The most correct solution to this problem will be only one - stop demanding too much from people , rethink some things and look at the world with a sober and sensible look.
Let's start with the fact that no one on earth owes you anything . You don’t owe anything to anyone either. We are all individual individuals, each with different character, temperament and priorities.
Smart people rely on no one but themselves. You are the main and only friend you can always rely on.
I'm so afraid of being disappointed...
This is a very confusing story, the details of which are sometimes difficult for me to understand.
We met a year ago, on one rainy and cloudy day. Passions from previous relationships were still raging in my heart, so I didn’t give much importance to a new acquaintance. Despite this, we still met the next day. On the way to the cafe, where we were going to have a cup, we didn’t say a word. There was only one thought in my head: “Why do I need this?”
After ordering coffee, a conversation began between us (hurray, I thought). And he told his story, he lives and works in another neighboring country A, and what is hidden in country A from the authorities of country B. In country B, he worked for one political leader, and when he was overthrown, he also had to leave. He said that he came here to visit a friend and has been living here for several months. During the whole evening I said only a few phrases, so I smiled for a long time when I heard from him - you are a delightful conversationalist!
Literally on the third day, I received a letter by e-mail from his ex-girlfriend, who lives in country A. In the letter she wrote that they broke up six months ago, but she, knowing the password on his mailbox, periodically checks his mail, which is how she found out about to me. This letter said that he is a gigolo, owes her a large amount of money, and in general, in order to achieve his goals, he can even talk about the death of his parents, who, by the way, live in country B.
Naturally, at the end of the letter she asked not to tell him anything. When I showed this letter to him, he explained who she was, and that this was not the first time she had said such nasty things about him. There were several more such letters, and then there were calls from her, in general, there was no peace. My head is a mess, I don’t know anything about the person, and the information that comes in is not pleasant. Further - more, the friend to whom he came, and his entourage showed themselves, and this, it must be said, is a typical redneck.
We were together, and something unreal was happening around us. 3 weeks after we met, he proposed, I said I’ll think about it. It's time to meet the parents. We met, mom was shocked, but dad seemed pleased. His “friends” were plotting, telling him tall tales about me, saying that I was laying claim to his “fortune”, but more on that later!
Since the world is a small place, my relative also learned about it, and not from me. She lives in another city. I understand that it’s difficult to understand what was happening right now, I’m confused myself. And then it began - the parents contacted the service through friends to find out whether such a person even existed, whether it was him, and who he was. It turned out that such a person exists, and this situation with “friends” was also resolved.
The next six months were not easy, although I was happy. The calls from his ex-girlfriend continued, who was now apologizing for her behavior, and his “friend” got into trouble, and only my boyfriend could help (financially), the amount was tidy. By that time, we were living together, and financial difficulties began in our common-law family. Therefore, for some time I brought money to our family.
I was worried about several questions: why hasn’t he been going to country A for six months, because he has a job and a home there, and why his parents still aren’t going. Relations with my parents improved, sometimes we spent weekends together. Everyone was happy, although some feeling of mistrust did not leave me, or, as it turned out later, my parents!
And then a terrible period came in my life. The pain, which became stronger every day, then the hospital and the first operation. After the hospital, a period of treatment began. It took me a long time to come to my senses, he was nearby. I constantly asked questions about his passport from country A, and he replied that he had given it to renew his registration, time passed, and still there was no passport.
He loved me, cared about me - it really was sincere, and I loved him and, despite the questions that arose, I felt very good. He talked about his family, it turned out that his mother was sick with cancer. Therefore, the arrival was constantly postponed. I tried to believe. And things were moving towards the wedding.
Then again the hospital, in 7 days two operations, as a result of which my fallopian tubes were removed, at the age of 24 I learned that I would never be able to have children naturally. Hard. Over time, the first shock passed, I found out about IVF, and in 2 months the first attempt to get pregnant was supposed to take place.
I forgot to say that his mother finally came in between operations, a very nice woman. She told me a lot about his life during the period when he lived in country B. But about country A - almost not a word. And I felt uncomfortable asking: “Is it true that you have cancer? That your son has an apartment and a job in country A?” In short, something became clear, but everything else remained a mystery, just as before. Our mothers also met, the feeling was the same as mine.
Before the IVF procedure, I decided that it was necessary to clarify all the issues that worried me; there were several useless attempts.
In the end everything became clear. It turned out that he was kicked out of country A by the authorities for whom he worked, and to whom he left country B. They also deprived him of the citizenship of country A, so he was forced to leave somewhere, that’s why he couldn’t go to your home and to your work.
It turned out that everything he said about the passport was also a lie, and it also turned out that he took money from my father, although he spent it on a business that we were doing together, although he told me that it was from my dad didn't take...
Many questions became clear... I was shocked, I couldn’t help but tell my parents about it. The decision was made, I am moving home to my parents. I no longer understood where the lie was and where the truth was. And everything started to turn around, I’m at home, my parents insist that he is a scoundrel, and not the person I need in life.
He asks for help and advice from our mutual friends. He begs to forgive him, says that he was confused, and lied like that because he was afraid that if I found out everything at the beginning, I wouldn’t want to communicate. He's probably right about this.
It turned out that I had no friends - at this convenient moment they said things about me that I couldn’t even dream of in a nightmare, and my best friend suggested that he find a girl, relax and forget about me being so unfair.
Then there was a trip to the doctor, with a conversation about how I couldn’t go for IVF, again tears!! Pressure from all sides - parents are categorically against it, he begs to forgive and give a chance, and friends who said: “Just think, what kind of normal man would steam with you, when there are a bunch of healthy women who don’t have the same problems as you.” "
Then his father arrived, whom he had not seen for 5 years. I still don’t understand why I didn’t meet him. But my father met him. After this meeting, he became even more entrenched in his beliefs, although it seems to me that dad was initially very critical, and took the conversation, which lasted about 15 minutes, very differently. His father promised to help solve his problems!
I know that I want to be with him, and I feel that he wants the same. I'm just so afraid of being disappointed. And probably most of all I’m afraid that my parents are right.
I don’t know what to do now...
Incognita
Similar
Why is this happening?
Before you judge others, remember yourself. You've probably promised more than once to do something or help someone, and then backed down. Surely, more than once they made all sorts of meetings and dates, and then could not attend them. Surely they have been deceived more than once, confidently believing that this is a lie for the greater good. Do you recognize yourself? Other people behave in exactly the same way.
You may be surprised, but even the closest people (parents, children, husband, wife, best friends) sometimes betray and disappoint each other. Remember one truth - all people are selfish and everyone is prone to making mistakes.
Why is that bad
If you don’t know how to say “no,” there will always be people who will decide to use it to their advantage. Trying to please everyone is physically and mentally draining. Rejectionlessness prevents a person from doing what he really loves, standing up for his priorities and being confident in his decisions. People with low self-esteem usually have problems with refusal. No matter how hard a person tries to be good for everyone, it is almost impossible, which means that he will constantly be accompanied by a feeling of guilt, resentment, and disappointment in himself.
What to do?
Are you haunted by the attitude of others towards your personality? Do you confidently believe that you treat other people much better than they treat you? Do you constantly feel resentment, pain, annoyance and disappointment because others do not live up to your expectations?
What can you advise in this case:
- To begin with, stop reassuring yourself in vain.
- Does a man say words of love to you? Don’t believe it, or only half believe it. Men tend to talk about love all the time, because they know that girls are greedy for romance. Don’t be surprised if it turns out that he recently told such confessions to another girl, and perhaps more than one. Do you drink coffee until the last minute in the morning and preen yourself in the mirror before going to work, thinking that the transport you need will definitely wait for you? What makes you think that you can rely on the driver? To avoid being late, it is better to leave home early, thereby avoiding worries and arriving at work on time. Have you decided to become an entrepreneur and open a trade tent with interesting (in your opinion) goods? On the day of its opening, do you expect people to rush to you headlong and buy everything? No matter how it is. You are again in vain deciding everything for people.
Even if you assume that your product is unique and interesting, they are not obligated to buy it, and people may simply not have the mood or money to buy your product.As a rule, in such situations you need to carefully and clearly consider and estimate everything, and even if it seems to you that everything is perfect, you don’t really hope for a big profit. If it happens, wonderful; if it doesn’t, you won’t be too upset and will save your own nerves.
What is disappointment
Disappointment is an emotional state after a certain situation that causes awareness of reality.
Disappointment in a person’s life forces him to accept the truth without achieving what he wanted. Many people choose anger over disappointment. This negative emotion allows you to continue to live in the illusion of a fictional world, not to feel a heavy state of sadness, and not to admit that your high expectations have not been fulfilled.
Disappointment is considered one of the most difficult emotional states for a subject. In this case, the individual experiences a combination of several emotions: sadness, anger, pain, resentment. Individually, it is much easier to cope with any of these emotions than with their totality. As a result, a person tries to avoid this psychological state a hundred times stronger than any other negative feelings. With disappointment comes the realization of the “ending”, the collapse of everything planned, a person does not receive what he cherished, does not experience what he wanted.
Disappointment in simple words is the experience of sadness due to unfulfilled hopes or dreams that we ourselves place on. It is necessary to highlight that such definitions as “disappointment” and “charm” contain the identical root “charm”. But only in fairy tales are there sorcerers who cast spells. In fact, it is the subject himself, who hopes to get something that does not exist, who himself creates the image of what is expected (often overly inflated), due to an inadequate perception of the really existing world. When the image collapses, disappointment sets in.
Subjects who know exactly what they want are more likely to become victims of disappointment. A person who planned everything in advance, fantasized the outcome of his own actions or the actions of people around him, the feelings that should arise, emotions and experiences, seemed to have charmed himself, closed his eyes with a veil of illusions. As soon as all this collapses, a negative feeling that no one loves will certainly come, from which everyone runs away.
Delving deeper into the consequences of the disappointment that has come, one should pay attention to its positive features. After all, when disappointed, a person takes off his rainbow glasses, clearly sees the world as it really is, he ceases to be deceived. The experience of our ancestors says “to live knowing the bitter truth better than the sweet lie,” and the experience is more than one century of life. But it’s worth learning to perceive life in different tones, not just like “good and bad.”
The view of disappointment for each individual is subjective; everyone has the right to condemn exclusively himself. Man is a creature prone to the ideal; he strives to achieve it everywhere: in relationships, at work, in himself. Directly in a situation where expectations are too important, disappointment most often occurs. As a rule, the most painful experience is disappointment in people, especially in loved ones.
Disappointment in a loved one is a key factor in breaking up a relationship. At the initial stage of a relationship, falling in love fascinates people. Everything seems: bright, colorful, carefree, and this is where the problem begins to arise. This is the starting point for the development of our fantasies, how everything will proceed in the future: people begin to endow each other with “super” qualities, determine how a person should behave, how he should speak, what feelings he should show, imagine an ideal life. A certain standard of a loved one is created, this prevents us from perceiving this kind of situation adequately, what is really happening. A person in love is not able to notice any shortcomings, flaws in behavior, negative character traits, in addition, he himself tries to show only his best sides, flaunting only attractive character traits. Unknowingly, partners mislead each other, as if casting a “spell” on each other. As soon as the period comes when people begin to live together, a period of relaxation begins (to live forever in tension in order to show the best is very difficult and destructive for oneself) and the person reveals his true appearance. This is the line beyond which lies disappointment in your loved one.
No one owes or owes you anything
Some people tend to overestimate their self-esteem and thus expect strangers to treat them differently. They say, I’m so wonderful, beautiful, you must love me. However, in this case, there is only one piece of advice - get down to earth as soon as possible and don’t have your head in the clouds
. There are plenty of people as beautiful and smart as you, so evaluate yourself soberly.
Low self-esteem has never benefited anyone, just as much as overly high self-esteem.
Thus, if you analyze your own actions and expectations, you will understand that you yourself are to blame for personal grievances and disappointments.
What is friendship?
To be friends means to have a close, trusting relationship with another person. This connection is similar in strength to gender relations, to love, but only in the intensity of mental and emotional experiences and affection. Friendship and love are similar, because in both cases there is jealousy of a person dear to the heart towards another.
Therefore, broken hearts happen in love and in true friendship: first there is dissatisfaction, anger and, finally, disappointment. Why is this happening? To answer the question, let’s figure out what do people expect from friendship?
What does an ideal friendship look like?
Trusted. Open. Forgiving. Giving positive emotions. Familiar, since friendship is usually long-lasting. Relieving sadness and sadness in difficult times. A friend must come to the rescue. Friends enjoy spending time together. You approve of your friend's actions; at least he meets your expectations.
He is afraid to disappoint and resorts to lies
Although we constantly demand 100% mutual honesty, the very birth of any relationship often begins with a lie. This is because we try to look our best in front of each other.
We try to earn respect, impress and gain sympathy. So, of course, unless your friend is a pathological liar, a couple of less than sincere answers to some of your questions may show that this person is trying to please you and is afraid that the truth will lead to rejection or disappointment.
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He doesn't talk about other people
You can share anything with a friend and even tell him about your personal life and your flatterers. In some cases this may appear to be intended to provoke jealousy, but in practice this has been shown to be unlikely. Meanwhile, one thing turns out to be absolutely true: if everything happens exactly the opposite, and the person actively communicates with you, clearly vetoing any issue related to other members of the opposite sex, this is for you. And therefore, carefully create a completely unambiguous image, as if you were the only man or woman in your field of vision.
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Unless we take into account situations where it is overwhelming and overwhelming, in general this behavior is intended to make you feel special. At parties, this person looks for you with his eyes, often approaches you, tries to take you to a less crowded place and asks about the friends you have in common. You can be sure: this is not just a desire to make friends.
Make it clear that you are free
This nuance is one of the most accurate indicators. If during a conversation a person directly or even in passing emphasizes that he is free and open to new relationships, do not be shy, these phrases are on the topic of your interlocutor. On the other hand, if these two talk calmly and openly about their partners or, as stated in the first point, about other potential suitors, this means that this relationship is based on a purely friendly wave.
From time to time he jokes, trying to "play"
It's simple: jokes among adults resemble the attraction of a typical play line among the little ones. A relaxed and fun way to turn friendly conversation into romantic flirting. It doesn't matter if the person jokes about something that happened to them during the week or adds a comical twist to what you said at the last meeting (at the same time they emphasize that they are listening to you carefully). Everything shows the same thing. Do you already remember any of your friends who fit this description?
Do you still have doubts? So, you have 2 final and most accurate ways to put everything in its place.
Pay attention to the style in which you communicate. It is quite possible that your friend communicates in this way with everyone, and it costs you nothing to compliment someone who appears on your way. But if he behaves differently with others, it means that he really cares about you.
Try flirting and see the reaction. This is the harmless and most banal flirting, which was mentioned at the beginning of the article: smile, touch, eye contact. This tactic is very easy to “give up” if things don’t work out, and at the same time you don’t have to feel ashamed because no one can tell for sure whether you were flirting or just in a good mood. If a person is activated unambiguously, he becomes even more relaxed and friendly, which means that he perceives this as a sign of reciprocity.
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