When nothing remains of love, and relationships are maintained only out of pity, this is a disgusting feeling. On the one hand, you understand that you are no longer on the same path with this person. On the other hand, everything that connected you is very difficult to let go. Especially if the love is gone only on your part.
What to do with a girl who cries and is killed, says that she loves and will love until the end of her life, and who just recently was so dear and dear? Or with a guy who says that he doesn’t need anyone anymore, and he’s ready to jump off the roof tomorrow, because without love this life is not sweet to him?
Finding yourself in this position is not the most pleasant situation, but people still find themselves in it from time to time. How to overcome this feeling that prevents you from moving on from an already exhausted relationship to a new life? In this article we will try to answer this difficult question.
Don't start a relationship out of pity
Yes, sometimes to avoid something, it’s enough just not to do it. If you don't have any feelings for this guy, but he's been courting you for so long and persistently that you decide to do him a favor, then it's best not to do it.
The same goes for that pretty girl you don’t care about, but she still looks at you with big loving eyes full of tears. By starting such an unhealthy relationship, you are dooming yourself and the other person to torment, which will still end in separation. Why then start?
Your pity will quickly give way to irritation, because this is not the same person, and every day you will understand this more and more clearly. Completely harmless mistakes and shortcomings will cause you to be righteously furious, and in the worst case it will end up like in the movie “Bitter Moon”. Didn't watch it? But in vain. Let's still hope it doesn't come to that.
Negative sides
Unfortunately, most people are convinced that pity is a good feeling. They say that this is how we have the opportunity to express our mood, to sympathize with a friend in need. Of course, you need to show your concern to those who are nearby. But this does not mean at all that for any reason and all the time. Why is pity a bad feeling? How can it harm a person in everyday life? Let's look at the negative aspects of this feeling.
Formation of lack of independence
In fact, a person develops numerous complexes. It seems to him that he is not capable of anything more than simply fulfilling someone else's will. Getting used to endlessly complaining about life, the individual stops making attempts to independently get settled in life. As a result, even the most insignificant problem begins to seem too complicated, sometimes completely insoluble. And when we doubt that we can cope with depressing circumstances, then external forces begin to rapidly dry up. It's all about the formed habit. Anyone who is constantly pitied subsequently begins to expect some kind of guardianship, care, and protection from others . If you treat a man this way, then he will never be able to accept responsibility for a woman, for children, and will not become a full-fledged father of the family.
Involuntary humiliation
It’s probably no secret to anyone that feeling sorry for people puts them in an awkward position. When we show that we doubt the happy future of our interlocutor, we unwittingly humiliate him, as if we make it clear that he cannot cope on his own. Of course, situations are different. Sometimes you need to push, to say something at the right time, to advise. But it is unacceptable to stick to our line, making it clear that only our opinion is correct, and the position of the interlocutor does not deserve any respect. You should always communicate as equals, trying to be useful in some way.
Figure out what's holding you together
What does your attachment consist of? Maybe it’s just a sexual attraction that could be satisfied with a couple of stormy dates, but led to a completely unnecessary and unnatural relationship? This happens, and happiness cannot be built on sex alone. Or maybe it’s the intellectual unity that you experienced due to a large number of common topics and hobbies, but living together showed that you are too different?
It's not too late to part ways as friends. Or is it still about that very pity that sneaked into your heart and is now corroding it with internal contradictions? Run! Run now!
But if I leave, something bad might happen!3
If you have already heard the phrase “I can’t live without you,” or even witnessed a ostentatious suicide attempt, then the fear of a breakup, which could lead to tragic consequences, may be too strong. But in reality there will be no consequences. All such threats are just a form of blackmail that is used against weak people in order to make them feel not only pity, but also fear.
How to deal with this? Just don't be a weak person. If this relationship is based only on your worries about the life and health of a person you no longer love, think about what you are doing now? That's right, you waste the time of your precious life on him and pay for the pity with your health. But he can live without you, but you cannot live without yourself. Draw conclusions.
How to get rid of feelings of pity
Having discovered that pity is a bad feeling, many people discover the need to rebuild their own perceptions so as not to constantly encounter the need to wipe away the tears of others. They also do not want to allow themselves to be pitied. How to get rid of pity? Let's take a closer look.
Taking responsibility
This is something that people mostly forget to do. Responsibility implies, first of all, overcoming feelings of pity and guilt, since it is these components that poison a person’s life like nothing else. We need to understand that each of us is free to build our lives the way we want. There is nothing more stupid than trying to adapt to certain circumstances or imposing your vision of the world on others. A heightened sense of pity can only do harm. When we begin to realize that everyone has the right to be sad or angry, to feel happy or unhappy, then the need to feel sorry for someone goes away.
Cause-and-effect relationships
To free yourself from the habit of feeling sorry for your relatives, friends and acquaintances, you need to take the time to understand the reasons for what is happening every time. After all, nothing happens in the world just like that. No one begins to feel unhappy just because they were not told a kind word in time. As a rule, the truth lies in the fact that we simply are not looking for adequate reasons. Pity is a terrible feeling. If you do not want to humiliate a person, then look for opportunities to help him, and not how to make him experience even more unpleasant sensations.
Personality development
No matter how much you would like to get involved in someone else’s fate with your own advice, you should never do this. You can cause emotional pain to a loved one, even if the remark was actually fair. Simply put, you need to make every effort to focus on your own life. Developing individuality can also be useful for those who are used to feeling unhappy. Get out of the habit of showing pity for anyone: yourself or others. Only in this case is fruitful personal growth possible. Human psychology is such that only by abandoning unconstructive thoughts do we begin to move towards something true and beautiful . Anyone who has managed to achieve success evokes not pity, but real admiration.
Refusal to compare
If you truly want the best for your loved ones, sometimes you just need to leave them alone. Imposing your opinion, constantly making unnecessary analogies - these actions can deeply hurt people and create chaos and anxiety in their souls. The habit of comparison is one of the most unfortunate ones you can imagine. It immediately fits a person into a certain framework, deprives him of individuality, sometimes making himself feel completely worthless. It is wrong to demand from others that they meet our expectations. Remember that each person has his own life and his own values and worldview. It is better to remain silent once again than to offend a relative, friend or just an acquaintance.
Thus, feeling pity is not the best way to show a person your affection . You can express the same thing, just in different words, without making it clear that he is humiliated, without making him feel slighted. In fact, some people actually get used to feeling sorry for themselves. They do this unconsciously, completely unaware that they are causing irreparable harm to themselves. If you cannot cope with the problem on your own, you can contact the Irakli Pozharisky Center for Psychology and Rehabilitation. Working with a specialist will help you understand yourself and find constructive ways out of a depressing situation.
Or maybe this is still love?4
No. Love is such a strange thing that no one can clearly explain what it is and how it works, but you never doubt if you love. So if you have thought about this question at all, then no, this is not love.
Moreover, another person’s obsessive attachment to you cannot be called love either. It could be a sense of ownership, a habit, sexual attraction, or even a painful addiction, anything, but definitely not love. Loving people know how to let go, and do not try to hold on at any cost, including blackmail and outright psychological pressure. Don't let them make you a victim, even if you had love, its time is up.
I'll save you, but I won't regret it
Codependent pity is a strange but very common feeling. The one who feels sorry feels like a rescuer and a hero, and the one who is pitied feels like a powerless, wretched person. I don’t know how it happened that we end up in such a bunch all the time. If one talks about his sadness and pain, the second immediately makes a stand: “They are telling me about problems. I must alleviate the suffering!” Or vice versa: “They share their troubles with me. But I’m not a mommy, I won’t save you! Come on, don’t become limp!”
Another paradox: all “rescuers” have a broken relationship with pity. It would seem that where there is help, there should be pity for the one you are helping. But this feeling is prohibited among “rescuers” because it is “shameful.” And they run away from him into a frenzy of rescue activity or leave contact: “I’m not going to feel sorry for you! This makes no sense. Stay calm and carry on. I'll show you how."
We learned from childhood: you can’t feel sorry for yourself. Complaining won't help. Need to do something! Otherwise, they will not be accepted as pioneers.
In general, everything is very confused with pity. After all, it also depends on gender; you can still feel sorry for a woman. But to feel sorry for a man means to humiliate him. “If they feel sorry for you, it means you are not a man,” and men themselves have an ironclad ban on this feeling: “Don’t feel sorry for me!” Is it only women who find themselves in difficult situations? It turns out that men should not be pitied at all, so as not to offend them with suspicion of unmasculinity.
We are very fond of saying: “I don’t feel sorry for anyone,” “I only feel sorry for children,” “I don’t feel sorry for people at all, only dogs, because they are defenseless.” Sound familiar?
Perhaps all this is due to the fact that for several generations we have been on the brink of survival. When it comes to survival, relying on feelings is dangerous. Life got better, but the habit of not complaining and not regretting remained.
After breaking up, don't take a step back5
It’s better to cut off all contacts altogether and don’t give your ex-partner the slightest reason to see you, write to you, or otherwise contact you and remind you of yourself. If your relationship has entered the painful stage of being kept out of pity, even for a short period, this feeling can again penetrate your mind and become a real thorn there.
Yes, and you hurt the second person with random or not quite meetings, which he will definitely look for. Don’t let him find them, let him build his future, and not cling to the past that you have become for him. If you still have his things, find a way to transfer them through a neutral intermediary, rather than meeting in person and giving rise to another unnecessary conversation. This is the very case when bridges need to be burned to the ground.
Sometimes it is precisely such relationships that become the reason that people are afraid of falling in love again and begin to avoid the relationship. We will tell you in detail how to get out of this state in the following link.
Showing pity
They are usually visible to the naked eye. Pity is something that literally catches your eye and forces you to reconsider your attitude towards the surrounding reality. If you are extremely careful during a conversation, you can see some manifestations in advance.
Participation and compassion
Notice that when you feel sorry for someone, you definitely try to make the compassion noticed. For this reason, people behave as if they are extremely focused on someone else's problem. It seems to us that those around us want to be endlessly pitied and shown attention to them. In fact, the majority needs practical advice, to understand and accept their feelings. Few people can feel sorry without making a person feel weak . Lack of will humiliates and deprives you of your inner core.
Expressed anxiety
Pity is always combined with anxiety and goes hand in hand with fear . If they feel sorry for us, then we begin to feel weak, unable to cope with the most basic problem. This is a very sad state that you can quickly get used to without having time to properly understand anything. There is nothing constructive in pity, because this feeling does not teach at all how to cope with difficulties. If people get stuck in this state, they lose the ability to independently solve everyday problems.
Fear for the future
During a confidential conversation, relatives and friends often offer each other a variety of help. But sometimes such support is excessive and is not beneficial. By doing so, we show the person that he will be lost without us and make him feel extremely dependent. A huge number of people have fear about the future. Another thing is that not everyone admits this, not everyone is able to openly admit the problem. By feeling sorry for anyone, we send him a signal that he is not able to cope with the problem on his own .
Pity is very often imposed when the individual does not ask for it at all. In this case, a feeling of irritation appears, a need to close yourself off from such “help”.
