My girlfriend and I have been living together for six years. In our family, I am the only one who works, but my salary is barely enough for food, clothing, gasoline, utility bills and loans. In the six years of our marriage, my girlfriend worked only for a year, during which time she changed three jobs, from which she was fired for various reasons. Since then she has been staying at home. At the same time, she is not satisfied with our financial condition. However, this does not motivate her to find a job. She insists that she doesn’t want to “work for someone else’s uncle.” But even though I’m not very happy with my job, I don’t quit it and don’t sit at home.
What should I do? I don’t want to end my relationship with my girlfriend, because she is very dear to me.
Why does my spouse refuse to work?
My husband spoils me a lot
Many women are accustomed to being looked after since childhood. At a tender age, parents and relatives call them princesses and satisfy their whims, later paying for their studies, travel and entertainment. The wife expects a similar position from her husband; she believes that her beauty and love are a huge contribution to the family hearth, and the stronger sex should take care of the rest. If at the beginning of the relationship the spouse allowed himself to be “stuck on”, over time it will be difficult to prove to his wife that her contribution to the budget is necessary.
Looks at her friends
If a woman’s social circle has friends who are fully supported by their husbands, she will begin to try on a similar role. The desire to appear no worse than others, to play a carefree life, overpowers common sense.
Honors religious tenets
If a spouse has strong religious beliefs, she will not go to work under any circumstances. According to the Bible and the Koran, the husband is obliged to provide for the family. The wife's task is to deeply respect her husband. Respect is shown in raising children, love, keeping the house clean.
Wants to devote free time to raising children
In a large family or a family with problem children, a woman really does not have the opportunity to build a dizzying career. However, it happens that the spouse covers up the desire not to go to work with one child, even if he has been going to school for a long time, believing or pretending that raising a child is hard work.
Afraid to grow up
A common situation in young families. The girl is drawn between childhood and adulthood. She is afraid to become independent, to bear responsibility, she wants to be exclusively an object of love and care.
Has a negative career experience
Perhaps your spouse was employed in the past, but her career did not work out. Fear of failure, not getting along with the team, or not living up to management’s expectations is a common reason why a woman sits at home and refuses to look for career development options.
Her social skills have disappeared
Workdays keep you on your toes. A person who sits at home for a long time, doing everyday life, loses communication and professional skills. Re-entering the ranks of the employed (after a long maternity leave or dismissal from a previous job) is not easy.
women are able to earn money and provide for their family, but the husband should not put pressure on his wife, it is necessary to discuss everything peacefully, find the roots of the problem and try to level out the situation with the help of a psychologist
There are other sources of income
Actually, why not sit at home, relax, look out the window, take up embroidery or weaving macramé, if before that you worked as a two-time squirrel hound all your life? Having a stable passive income makes this scenario acceptable and desirable - you are both strong and independent, married with children, relatively young and without cats. For example, Maria is a very businesslike girl. So enterprising that at the age of 24, with the financial support of her parents, she opened her own women's clothing store. The business was developing well, but a romantic meeting with her future husband raised the question of moving to another city. Maria sold the business and began to settle down with her husband in a new place. Two children appeared one after another, but family concerns, although they took up a lot of the young mother’s time, did not dampen her entrepreneurial ardor.
The unemployed Maria’s plans include refocusing on children’s products and opening an online store. However, for now the reality is such that there is no time to do your own thing. The presence of passive income in the form of dividends from a deposit in the amount received from the sale of the store gives her a feeling of security and peace of mind. “I’m interested not only in taking care of my family, but also in doing something and earning money. Nowadays, every girl should be able to fend for herself financially, so as not to ask her husband for money and not depend on his priorities for life. What if the day comes when you are no longer his priority? - says Maria. – I recommend everyone to understand what they do best and offer their talent to people. There will always be those who will appreciate it and be ready to pay for your services.” It is obvious that for such girls, independent swimming is not a nightmare, but a safe and familiar reality, which cannot but rejoice. What fear of the future are we talking about here?
How to explain that staying at home is bad?
There are several ways to solve the problem. Try to have a serious and frank conversation. Explain to your spouse that her contribution to the family well-being will improve the financial situation for the better. Point out the exceptional importance of your own circle of interests and acquaintances, self-realization in the professional sphere. Please note that you will not demand perfect performance of household duties; you will help run the household to the best of your ability, or hire an assistant. The second way is financial restrictions. If your wife does not know the value of money, limit her personal spending. Reduce the amount you give for expenses by half, and put the rest on deposit. The spouse will quickly feel the lack of money and will independently come to the idea of contributing to the family finances.
Traditions don't allow
The mentality, traditions and characteristics of a number of national cultures are such that women in these families did not work, do not work and do not intend to stand at the machine in the next few centuries. For example, in the family of twenty-eight-year-old Madina, women never worked at all. Their destiny is to take care of their husband, children, parents, and household chores. The task of men is to make sure that the family, wife and children do not need anything. Madina was lucky - she got married at 18 and has already given birth to four children. The girl’s husband is engaged in business and does not consider other life scenarios for his wife. He is confident that his family is well settled and does not consider it necessary to comment on anything.
Madina learned to drive a car and solves many household issues herself, delivering children to private schools and kindergartens. She is not at all embarrassed by the lack of not only professional prospects, but even a secondary specialized education. According to the girl, her path was predetermined from the beginning and the mother of many children had no thoughts about changing her fate, much less attempts to do so. The success and health of children, husband and relatives is all that has been and will be in Madina’s life. And she is very happy about this and categorically does not view her life through the prism of independent existence, because she does not understand what it is and why it is necessary.
What do psychologists advise?
How do experts comment on a situation where a wife does not want to work? What solutions to the problem are offered?
Explain the benefits of financial independence
It’s not in vain that feminists have fought for women’s right to education for many years. If she has her own source of income and professional skills, the girl will not disappear, even if fate does not work out in the best way. A personal financial cushion simplifies many aspects of marriage and gives respect to others.
Tell us about increasing your social status
It was fashionable to be in the shadow of a successful husband at the beginning of the last century. In the modern world, strong, independent women, specialists and professionals in various industries are respected. While the spouse is inactive, she remains in secondary roles. Raising children and running a household is hard work. The solution to everyday issues can be delegated to others or roles in the family can be redistributed while the wife is building a career.
Dream about the future
Everyone wants to afford a little more. A beautiful car or a mansion, travel or a fur coat - if desired, all these benefits can be earned if both spouses invest in the family budget.
Draw parallels
Don’t compare your spouse with your friend’s wife, who runs a business around the clock and earns a decent living. Casually, during a conversation, throw in for thought a suitable example of a successful woman (actress, singer) who started from scratch and made a dizzying career. Perhaps this will push the spouse to take decisive action.
It is almost impossible to force a person to do something. It is necessary to make him think about the need for professional development. We hope that the advice in our article will help you explain to a woman the value of self-realization.
Homework
At home, girls can not only look after their children, but also open their own business. Today, professions such as content manager or call manager are popular. Such positions are available not only to single women, but also to young mothers who care for their children. Working from home for women can be very diverse. The advantages of such work are that a woman can work while the child is sleeping or in kindergarten. But the disadvantage of such work will be the fact that the woman will have little communication with others, and by the time the husband comes home from work, the wife will have accumulated a lot of impressions that she will want to share. And a man who worked with people all day will not be inclined to listen to his missus’ complaints about her difficult fate. Due to such divergences of interests, all sorts of quarrels and scandals can arise.
Independence
You can't understand whether a woman should work? Every person comes to this earth in order to be happy. Doesn't work make a girl happy? Then the question should be answered: “What is a woman’s happiness?” If a lady lives by consumerism, but does not produce anything, then she is like a leech that has attached itself to a man and lives at his expense. Every person should feel their independence. And in order to become free, a person first needs money. A person who has a financial airbag can perform any action. You don’t have to ask anyone for permission and you don’t have to restrain your own desires. If a girl’s needs exceed the financial capabilities of the family, then she will need to get a job. This way the lady will be able not only to realize herself, but also to satisfy all her needs and desires.
I have a wealthy friend
This subtype of unemployed ladies from our gallery is the most hated among residents of women's forums. “I envy non-working women and especially non-working, childless women,” writes one envious woman. - I plow like a horse, and someone, with the help of a man, has more than me. This is unfair!". The second speaker supports the general indignation at someone’s ease of existence: “That’s right, I despise such queens! It’s either a matter of working or serving a man. We are wise women! And they don’t know how to do anything except run around the shops.” Women who have managed to comfortably sit in the front row of life thanks to the ability to communicate casually with men and turn their attention to their advantage are perhaps the most masterly irritants of office workers in gray pencil skirts. Of course, they are thin, graceful, perfectly coiffed at any time of the day, accustomed to relaxing after a very memorable weekend, do not know where the nearest metro entrance to their home is, but at the same time they can recite the current details of a bank account from memory. Active, energetic, sociable and charming. They know how to make themselves successful and sell this impression profitably. Therefore, we are always inspired, happy with life and have money. They want to get married, but they hide it carefully.
In this situation, willy-nilly, you will give your neighbor a heart attack. The most sociable of the charmers share the secrets of female influence: “Men like beautiful and rested women in a good mood, and not driven horses. A woman needs to work a couple of times a week for variety,” “Only the smartest women understand the true needs of a man. And only a few people fulfill their wishes. And for this, men are ready to do a lot for them, both in terms of relationships and in terms of support. It is important to combine business with pleasure - to use a man’s opportunities for development, education or a good job. Marrying him is, of course, aerobatics.”
In this context, an interesting paradox emerges. On the one hand, women must do everything - work, take care of the family and look like Linda Evangelista at the zenith of her career. On the other hand, a carefree lifestyle based on a successful marriage, and manipulation of men is not forbidden, but for many is an end in itself. Explicit and hidden propaganda of PR at any cost and selling oneself at the highest price can be heard from every voice. How to find yourself and determine your true purpose in a multipolar world of double standards? Probably, this can be achieved only by doing what you really like and putting your soul into your work, not regretting missed opportunities, keeping tomorrow in mind, but not being afraid of it. And remember that true values, in spite of everything, still do not have material expression.
Photo: Pixabay.com
