Everything in life can be changed except death. If a loved one dies, the whole world around you seems to fade, and an all-consuming pain settles in your soul, which cannot be drowned out.
Widow... This hopeless, sad word sounds like a sentence... And every loving woman is afraid to hear it.
How to live after the death of your husband? Collect your heart and life piece by piece, come to terms with the fact that your loved one cannot be returned...
To someone who has never known loss, death seems only like an evil old woman with a scythe, something abstract and distant.
But a person who has experienced grief will never rush out with the words: “We’ll all be there!” or “Time heals!”
He, like no one else, knows that mental wounds heal, become covered with an icy crust, but do not heal completely.
Psychologists say that recovery from such mental trauma takes years. The first weeks are the hardest. My husband’s shirt hangs forlornly on a chair, and his favorite perfume is on the shelf in the hallway...
The woman subconsciously expects him to walk through the door and say: “Honey, this is just a bad dream! How could I leave you?
Find the strength to cope with loss
During the funeral and preparations for it, the widow is surrounded by many close people who provide all possible support and assistance. And then the woman is left alone in the house, where every object remembers the happy moments of their life together. The following tips will help you cope with the loss of your beloved husband:
Thus, a passionate widower, like his children, should not see his girlfriend as a “steppe” that has replaced the place of a deceased but new person, with whom together they can build a new married and family life. The widow and bereavement over the enlightenment of Gestalt therapy: loss and experience.
Widow and mourning under the light of Gestalt therapy: gains and losses. Livia Cardoso Ferreira; Nara Cristina Leio; Celana Cardoso Andrade. Institute for Training and Research in Gestalt Therapy of Goiânia. The present study is part of a study that covered the dissolution of a married couple, the death of one spouse, and the benefits achieved through Gestalt psychotherapy in bereaved patients. The purpose of this article is to consider the experience of a person going through mourning, especially for the death of a spouse.
- Don't be left alone after the funeral.
It will be better if you live with your mother, sister or friend for some time. It is advisable not to return home for up to 40 days, or at least for a month or two.
Ask a close friend or mother to stay close during this time. They will not refuse to support you in grief. Now it is important that there is someone to make tea and cover with a blanket. Don't be alone with your thoughts.
In addition, it is intended to investigate whether a widowed person can obtain benefits through psychotherapeutic supervision in a Gestal approach. It follows a phenomenological qualitative methodology, as proposed by Amedeo Giorgi. Interviews were conducted, recorded, transcribed and analyzed step by step in the four stages proposed by Giorgi. The data presented are based on the experience of one of the researchers. It was recognized that she had experienced losses and gains from her husband's death and that psychotherapy had facilitated confrontation and resolution of mourning, primarily as a support for the widower, cooperating to undo her experience and salvage her help and interest in life.
- Collect your husband's things and donate them to a charity.
This step is necessary. Ask someone close to you to help you. All personal belongings of the deceased husband must be removed from the house, otherwise they will constantly remind you of the loss. You can keep the gifts he gave you. But it’s better to put them in a box and hide them for a year. One look at them will provoke tears and memories of what cannot be returned.
The present study is part of a study that included marital dissolution for the death of one spouse and the benefits achieved through Gestalt psychotherapy for bereaved patients. In addition, he intends to investigate whether a widower can receive benefits through Gestalt psychotherapy. As proposed by Amedeo Giorgi, a phenomenological qualitative methodology is followed. Interviews were made, recorded, transcribed and analyzed in the four steps proposed by Giorgi.
Keep with you some jewelry that your husband bought for you - earrings or a ring. Wear them as a memory. But it's better to get rid of the rest.
- Allow yourself to grieve.
Many people believe that they must be strong and try not to cry or share their pain with anyone. In fact, this is very bad. You need to do everything that can bring relief to your soul. Crying and talking about what happened is necessary now. Don't hold back your emotions, some of the inner pain will go away after you allow it to come out.
The data presented relates to the experience of one of the study staff. Key words: bereavement; widowhood; Phenomenological method; Gestalt therapy; Psychotherapy. The present study was part of a study that covered the separation of a couple by the death of one of the spouses and the benefits achieved in Gestalt psychotherapy for mourning patients. The purpose of this article is to discuss the experiences of people who spend, particularly on the death of a spouse. In addition, it was intended to investigate whether a widowed person could receive benefits with the help of psychotherapeutic support from the Gestalt approach.
Suppressing grief after the loss of a loved one is dangerous. All unshed tears and unlived emotions can lead to very serious consequences: deep, protracted depression, suicidal thoughts, and mental disorders.
- Write a letter to your late husband.
You probably didn’t have time to tell your loved one a lot or ask for forgiveness? Write him a letter. This is your last conversation, so tell him everything you didn’t have time for during his lifetime. Take this letter and bring it to your favorite park or other place where you often walked with him. You can come to where you met.
The methodology used was qualitative phenomenological, as suggested by Amedeo Giorgi. Interviews were conducted, recorded, transcribed and analyzed from one section to another in the four stages proposed by Giorgi. It was observed that the same had losses and gains from the death of the husband and that psychotherapy contributed to confrontation and resolution of mourning, mainly as support to the widow or widower, cooperating with her as she retired from her experience, salvaging self-help and interest in life .
Key words: Mourning; widowhood; Phenomenological method; Gestalt therapy; Psychotherapy. Grief is a normal response to an inevitable life event—the end—and is a reaction to the loss of a loved one. Papalia and Olds explain that the loss of a significant person can affect almost every aspect of a survivor's life and define grief as an adjustment process.
Choose a private place and read what you wrote out loud. Imagine that he is nearby and hears this. Listen to what he says in response. Say goodbye to him, wish him well in the other world. Imagine him leaving. Now he moves further and further down the alley, now he is no longer visible, he has disappeared around the bend...
Let him go, let his soul leave you easily, because nothing can be changed. Let only warm memories of your husband remain in your heart. Try to treat the situation as if you just broke up and he left for another country forever.
The main question in the reflections of this study can be summarized as follows: when one spouse dies, what happens to the one who remains? In addition, it is intended to investigate whether a widowed person can receive benefits through psychotherapeutic supervision in a gestaltic approach. It is important to emphasize that this article is part of a study that covered the dissolution of a married couple by the death of one of the spouses, as well as the benefits achieved through Gestalt psychotherapy in bereaved patients.
- Don't blame yourself.
A tragedy such as the death of a beloved husband causes rejection of the situation. At first the woman refuses to believe what happened. Then he begins to look for those responsible for the death. Thoughts appear: “If I hadn’t said that or acted differently, he would be alive.”
The data presented here relates to the experience of one of the researchers. Some notes on mourning will be presented, focusing on widowhood and psychotherapy with mourners in the Gestalt approach. These will be approached by principles of qualitative research and the phenomenological method, followed by a presentation of the research methodology. The findings and discussions raised by the researchers cover the collaborator's experiences, illustrated by excerpts from her speech, and the benefits they understand to result from psychotherapeutic supervision in a Gestalt approach.
Realize that death is beyond the control of people. It cannot be predicted or prevented, so do not blame yourself and your loved ones.
- Forgive those who are responsible for the death of your husband.
How can you not blame anyone when your beloved husband died at the hands of a robber or in a car accident? How to find the strength to get rid of hatred towards the person who caused death? Only time and acceptance of life as a confluence of various circumstances will help here. Some are under our control, others are not. We are all their hostages.
In a marriage, one spouse relies on the other for affective and personal support. In any case, the time is inevitable when this system falls apart as a result of the death of one or both spouses. The widower was left alone, feeling like he was part of a unit that no longer specifically existed.
Mourning usually evokes shock and disbelief. Many people experience an initial numbness that is characteristic of difficulty accepting death. The basis of mourning is the unwillingness to give up people, plans, possessions, expectations and roles themselves. In the face of the loss of someone to whom one feels close, bodily feelings and manifestations are aroused, such as pain, sadness, light crying, breathing filled with sighs, apathy. People who are deprived of heaviness are in a state of wakefulness, experiencing anxiety, difficulty concentrating, fear and panic.
Understand that forgiveness is necessary, first of all, for the one who forgives. It cleanses the soul, helps to accept and let go of the situation. You won't get anything back. Go to church, talk to the priest. Perhaps after this it will become easier for you to forgive those who are responsible for the tragedy.
Some more tips
Psychologists and people who have experienced such grief as the death of a husband, sharing advice, also recommend the following things:
- There is no need to be afraid to cry. Do this as much as necessary. Tears help;
- If there is a close friend or person whom you completely trust, lean on him, talking about your experiences;
- If you are a believer, visit the Temple of God. Conversations with a priest can help no worse than visiting a psychologist ;
- Don't sit indoors all day. Get outdoors. Be responsible about your diet.
And most importantly, realize that this terrible fact has already happened, and you cannot change anything. Find something or someone to live for. Be sure that your deceased husband would probably approve of your decision.
Find yourself in helping others
After the loss of a loved one, life seems empty. Any prospects become indifferent and it is unclear where to move next. There is a feeling that with the death of your husband, your life was cut short. You might think so. But there are those who are also having a hard time and they need your help.
Loss of appetite and weight, sleep problems, digestive disorders, headaches, muscle pain, palpitations, feeling of cake in the stomach, feeling of pressure in the head, irritation, anxiety and tension are common among widows. The absence of a spouse brings subjective feelings of insecurity, incapacity, and lack of protection. In the absence of the other, the surviving spouse must deal with loneliness and the absence of someone to share. The person feels unable to perform ordinary tasks and face life.
Do charity work. It doesn't matter how you feel about it. Just take a bag of clothes and sweets and go to the nearest orphanage. Donate a certain amount of money to a rehabilitation center for the disabled. Grab a bag of dog food and cereal and visit the animal shelter. Take a stray kitten into your home and take care of it.
Grief is so intense for a period of time that the person loses contact with any coping resources and everything is experienced as a difficulty. The death of a husband may represent the loss of a love, a confidant, a good friend, a sexual partner, a source of income, depending on the expectations and tasks assigned to the spouse. It is necessary to learn new roles without the support of the person you are used to. Finally, mourning is an experience of crisis and involves changes in the level of plans, habits, customs, circumstances and behavior.
The sensations and experiences experienced during mourning remain intense until alternative sources are found to satisfy pending needs. Walsh states that the widower must complete the task of overcoming the grief for the loss and reinvesting in future functioning so that he can walk through the mourning process for resolution. Shovel indicates that it is necessary to sever ties with the husband and accept that he is dead, turning memories into a shared experience.
A person who has experienced the loss of a loved one, of course, is indifferent to the grief of others. But just start helping others, force yourself. The happy eyes of those you support will little by little bring you back to life.
Stages of acceptance
Mourning, grief, depression after the death of a mother is a natural reaction of a normal person. After all, all the best that a person has was connected with your mother; her love always protected and protected you. Without a mother, a person feels orphaned. But if the state of grief drags on, disrupting the entire way of life, destroying the person himself, then we are talking about depression.
Grief after the death of a loved one, according to psychologists, goes through several stages:
- Negation.
- Anger.
- Guilt.
- Depression.
- Acceptance of what happened.
- Revival.
- Creating a new life.
Psychologists identify seven stages that allow you to come to terms with and understand what happened.
Avoid thoughts of death
After the loss of my beloved husband, it seems that there is no longer any meaning in life. Thoughts often come to mind to follow him. Even religious people think about it, despite the fact that suicide is a grave sin. After all, it seems to them that in the next world they will definitely meet dead loved ones.
Over time, the needs of reality for daily activities and managing the internal structure become the focus. Finally, new activities and interests are well received by the surviving spouse, leading to a restructuring in the family system. Rediscovering the energy to invest more intensely in current roles or new roles is an opportunity that arises with the resolution of mourning.
Psychotherapy works in this sense, and some authors argue that psychotherapeutic supervision is of great value for bereaved people. Most psychotherapeutic approaches involve dialogue with personal experiences in search of conflict resolution and can be successful in working with mourners. This article will focus on the Gestalt approach without any interest in comparing it with other theoretical-philosophical orientations, since that is not the purpose of this study. Thus, it is important to specify some of the assumptions that govern the work of Gestalt therapy.
If such thoughts come to you, think about how your late husband would have reacted to this. He wouldn't want you dead. A loving husband wanted his wife to continue to live and enjoy this world. He wished you only good and happiness. If you believe in God and an afterlife, think how sad your husband is at seeing you suffer.
The Gestalt form of work is based on the belief that man is a relational being, present in the world, full of possibilities and capable of knowing himself, making his choices and directing his life. For Gestalt therapy, the client must discover the meaning of his life in the present context and expand his understanding of himself, his path of existence and its relationships.
Together with the Gestalt therapist, the widower shares, discusses, considers and strives for greater clarity of the meaning of each experience experienced at the time of the death of the spouse. Efforts are directed toward understanding the present experience and consequences of death for the surviving spouse. The goal is to best analyze specific issues in their daily lives using a clinical methodology that explores and explains experiences.
Time really does heal. Help him! And then, after a year or two, only slight sadness and gratitude will remain in your soul for the days you spent with your loved one.
Olga, St. Petersburg
A woman who, by the will of fate, has become a widow, experiences a huge emotional shock; her whole world changes its shape.
Gestalt therapy is a model based on phenomenological-existential philosophy. Clients and therapists are necessarily in dialogue, that is, they communicate their perspectives to each other in order to show themselves as sincerely as possible. This relationship is based on respect for the other's experience, direct and authentic communication, and support for the surviving spouse to talk and connect with their experiences. Taking a realistic look at the person who died, as well as the current context of life, and being able to express oneself and be heard without judgment, facilitates resolution of mourning and adaptation to the loss.
In such conditions, the answer to the question of how to survive the death of a beloved husband becomes vital and relevant.
The loss of a loved one is always a tragedy, grief and pain, but the passing of a beloved husband results in even greater experiences. The relationship between the spouses is very complex, there is a special, incomparable connection between them, because they share worries, joys, sorrows and good luck between them.
To achieve this study, qualitative research was chosen as a way to explore the experiences of the co-author and to achieve the objectives of this human subject research. The research method used will be phenomenological, following Giorgi's model. Phenomenological qualitative research seeks to understand the subject's experience from the essence of the phenomenon that the co-author himself brings to the table. Amedeo Giorgi's proposal of a phenomenological research method provides the opportunity to conduct research and then concretely describe an experience in a thorough manner.
For many years they create a common life, arrange their existence, raise children, keep each other warm at night. And when one day the beloved, dearest person suddenly leaves, the soul of a loving companion falls into the abyss of grief, loneliness and hopelessness.
Is there a way out of this situation? How can a wife come to terms with the terrible word “widow” and learn to move on with her life? And is this possible?
Active methods of “rehabilitation”: what can be done?
Creation
Any type of creativity is suitable as therapy for a widow. By creating something with her own hands, a woman learns to distract herself from tragedy and acquires new interests and goals. Help to overcome grief:
- drawing;
- modeling from polymer clay;
- photographing;
- sport;
- dancing;
- vocal lessons;
- breeding rare plants, aquarium fish, shrimp;
- beading;
- embroidery, knitting and other types of needlework.
This is a minimal list of what can captivate a widow and give her a decision on how to live further. The courses are suitable for those who prefer to be surrounded by other people and strive to establish communication. And mastering a new hobby from books or the Internet is for those who are not yet ready for intense communication. Gradually, the “shell” of alienation and grief that closed the woman from the world will open up, and she will fall in love with life again. But it takes time.
Help those in need
A very effective method that has helped a huge number of women who have lost their husbands is charity. By communicating live with people who have also experienced a huge tragedy or loss, but have not lost their strength of spirit and thirst for life, the widow will be inspired by their example and will gradually stop giving in to despair.
By providing financial, physical or moral assistance to those in need, she will strengthen her own spirit and be able to accept with courage what happened and survive grief. A good way out would be to help lonely people, children without parents or people with serious health problems. This path is not for everyone - it is indeed very difficult, but it is also the most effective. Often he completely changes a woman.
If a widow has managed to find the strength to do something and has achieved some success in this, depression is replaced by humility. The woman finally fully accepts what happened, understands that this is the natural course of things and begins to learn to live without her husband, but this time consciously.
Captivated by sorrow
At first, the shock of the death of a loved one is so strong that it is impossible to calm down. But it’s not worth trying to immediately overcome this state, and it won’t work; the psyche saves itself with such a stupor.
At this moment, a woman, left without support and support after the death of her husband, may be tormented by a feeling of guilt, usually imaginary, thinking about whether she could somehow change the course of things. This is an inevitable stage that cannot be emphasized.
Many young women who have lost a loved one in the prime of life experience anger at others for their well-being caused by despair, and, in the widow’s opinion, insufficient grief for the deceased.
If this emotional state does not go away for a long time or gets worse, you need to consult a psychologist.
Not wanting to accept the inevitable, the grief-stricken woman mentally denies what happened, does not allow the thought that this could happen to her. The result of deep experiences can be depression, detachment from life, a state of indifference and apathy.
In the first days after the incident, such experiences are inevitable and partly normal, you have to go through them, but prolonged concentration on them is already dangerous.
That’s why it’s so important to start the next stage - to learn to live without a loved one, to rebuild your world and everyday life.
Five Stages of Grief
It is impossible to be prepared for loss. Grief strikes unexpectedly like a tsunami or a destructive hurricane, and the woman remains helpless before its strength and power.
And how can you even believe that the person who just yesterday kissed you good night and laughed at your jokes is gone forever?
Sigmund Freud said that it is difficult for a woman to survive the death of her husband because subconsciously she blames herself and wants to share his fate.
That is why, after the shocking news, the wife loses interest in the world around her and sees no point in living further. There are five stages of grief.
1. Denial . First thought: “I can’t believe it, this is a mistake, this couldn’t happen.”
It is especially difficult to accept and survive the death of a young husband.
To prevent a person from going crazy, the psyche turns on a defense mechanism - denial. Therefore, the wives of the deceased often do not admit the obvious.
2. Anger . “Why did this happen to our family? Where's the justice?".
The death of a loved one is a huge blow. Emotions bubble up in your soul like a cauldron, and it’s easiest to throw out pain in a fit of anger.
Rage can be directed both at others and at oneself: “It’s the doctors’ fault, they started the operation late,” “Why did you let me leave home that day, because my heart sensed trouble”...
3. Rejection . It is impossible to believe that all that remains of her husband is a grave with his name or a handful of ashes.
It seems that this is a protracted nightmare, someone's cruel joke. It is important to have support nearby: it could be children, a sister, a mother, a friend...
A woman is pulled into a whirlpool of depression, and it is extremely difficult to get out of it.
4. Depression . Life has faded and lost all meaning. The widow goes through her husband’s things, looks at photos of them together for the thousandth time, or simply sits by the window, losing track of time: “What if a familiar silhouette appears?”
In especially severe cases, women injure themselves or even try to take their own lives - only a specialist can help them heal.
5. Acceptance . Some people immediately learn to drown out the heartache and move on with their lives, while others will take years to understand the loss... Everyone experiences grief in their own way.
How to cope with the death of your beloved husband
Losing a loved one means experiencing a severe shock, from which it is difficult to recover. This may take years, much depends on the woman’s personal characteristics.
Time cures
Sometimes it is necessary to rely on this ancient statement and simply believe that weeks, months will pass, and the pain will slowly recede, hide in the far corner of the soul and remind itself of itself with rare influxes of slight sadness and nostalgia.
Allow yourself to grieve
This is necessary for the soul to harden in the crucible of loss and become ready for a new life. Such difficult emotions cannot and are simply dangerous to push into oneself, to “strengthen oneself”, demonstrating one’s perseverance in the face of trials.
You can only heal by understanding and accepting your pain. Unshed tears and unsuffered grief will become an obstacle to renewal and can provoke difficult emotional states in the future.
Letting go doesn't mean falling out of love
Some women feel that any attempt to cope with grief or reduce it is a betrayal of their deceased husband. But by doing so, they not only mourn his death, but also end their lives.
Incessant memories of the past, regrets, tears, seclusion, withdrawal into oneself - is this what the person who loves you would want?
Keep the memory of him in your heart, but continue to live and try to enjoy every moment, because in the face of death it acquires special value.
You need to reconcile yourself and let go of the deceased; it is not for nothing that religions testify that the inconsolability of the living darkens the spirit of the dead.
Support from loved ones
Children, relatives, and friends can help survive the death of a beloved husband. You need to contact them more often, be in their company, and occupy yourself with caring for them. This will allow you to escape from bitter thoughts and gradually get involved in real life.
Their love will help the wound heal faster and provide the necessary support and warmth.
Charity
Many women see salvation in helping those in need. They go to hospitals, shelters or look for people who have also lost loved ones.
By helping others and sharing difficult moments with them, suffering women learn to persevere in the face of grief.
Often the death of a loved one occurs suddenly, the wife does not have time to tell him about her feelings, how much he meant to her, maybe ask for forgiveness for some things or thank him for his love and care. This adds to the grief and despair.
Psychologists advise writing a letter to your husband and expressing in it everything you cherish that you didn’t have time for in your daily chores. By pouring out her experiences on paper, a woman will lighten her burden and be able to think about her future life.
Many wives see their main task as caring for their husband; they subordinate their everyday life to his interests, plans and preferences. And in every family, an important part of a woman’s life is connected with a man, so when he suddenly disappears, it is difficult for a widow to find something to do and learn to be alone.
At this moment, it is time to live for yourself, concentrate on your own needs and desires. It is important to be able to build a scheme of actions that will help you get distracted and not feel abandoned.
Setting new goals must be a prerequisite. At first it will be difficult, but if the landmark was chosen correctly, it will soon begin to attract you and help you leave tragic events behind.
Psychologists advise spending more time on yourself, taking care of your appearance and health. Positive visual changes will steadily lead to an improvement in your internal state.
Creativity will help you find a way out of your experiences and sensations. Start drawing, writing poetry, doing handicrafts, photography or cooking. This will allow you to feel the taste of life again, distract yourself and gradually return to normal.
It’s good if creativity is connected with communication based on interests, this will expand the circle of acquaintances and bring new impressions.
In general, it is worth having more contact with the outside world. If strangers bother you at first, you can simply wander the streets or sit in a quiet cafe.
The rapid flow of life around you will certainly touch some chords and make you think about yourself and the need for changes for the better.
Sometimes it is useful to visit a psychologist; he will not only listen patiently, but also recommend what additional steps need to be taken to speed up the process of rehabilitation and return to normal life.
The death of a beloved husband is a catastrophe that must be experienced, comprehended and overcome, gathering together all one’s vitality and desire.
There are many ways to achieve this goal, the main thing is the woman’s own desire and her understanding that the death of the dearest person is irreversible, she will have to come to terms with this and learn to live fully with fond memory, gratitude and warmth.
What steps should you take on your own?
Take a philosophical look at the situation. After all, people die sooner or later. This fact cannot be denied. And no one can change this course of life. Try to realize that there is nothing unusual or scary about dying. A person simply left one sphere of existence and moved to another.
Take your mind off sad thoughts. Finding new goals and guidelines helps a lot in this. You should find a goal for which you need to continue your normal life at all costs. For a woman, this goal is most often children. If they are not there, then you need to find other landmarks. For example, that a woman should give life to another person. This is precisely its purpose. Of course, views may differ. But you need to find a goal.
Note: Love at a distance. Is it possible to save a relationship?
Help other people. Charity is a great way to get rid of depression by seeing the joy experienced by a person who has received help from you.
Don't neglect communication. It is very important to maintain communication with friends and not spoil relationships, even if the emotions described above are overwhelming. Surely, among your many friends, there will be a person who, with his empathy, will help relieve the unbearable pain of loss.
If you have long had the idea of writing a story or an entire book, now is the time to do it. Take your mind off grief. And who knows, maybe a masterpiece will really come from your pen. In moments of grief, many of a person’s feelings become aggravated.
How does a woman feel after the death of her husband?
Stage 3 - feeling of guilt: moments of communication are remembered, and there is always the thought that they were not attentive enough, why at the moment of death they were not there, did not hold hands, did not say goodbye, did little to help not die. For some, this feeling of guilt remains for the rest of their lives, even when everything has passed, but this apparently depends on the subtlety of a person’s nature.
The next stage is depression: a person gives up, he no longer has the strength to hide his emotions, he is energetically exhausted, very sad, does not believe that he can be reborn, avoids sympathy, does not give vent to negative thoughts and this makes him even more unhappy; There may be a strong feeling of emptiness.
Then comes acceptance of what happened, and with acceptance comes relief and reduction of pain: the person comes to terms with what happened. Anger and depression begin to let go, weaken, the person feels that he is able to pull himself together and start a new life, albeit without a mother.
In order for a person to get out of a situation, he needs help.
