How to control yourself when communicating with an unpleasant interlocutor
Don't copy behavior
Sometimes we don’t like someone for absolutely subjective reasons - it could be the tone of their voice, their appearance or their smell. But sometimes a person with whom it is impossible to avoid communication really does not behave in the most dignified manner. And in this case, the main thing is not to stoop to his level. On the one hand, this is very difficult to do, since during a conversation people often unconsciously copy the conversation style of their interlocutor.
Never argue with a fool - people may not notice the difference between you.
When it comes to negative emotions, it can be very difficult to calm yourself down. The simplest example is when someone is rude in public transport - it is terribly difficult to restrain yourself and not be rude in response. It is always worth remembering that you need to communicate with people the way you would like to be communicated with you. And no one likes rude people and boors.
Be open to change
You should not stick labels in the style: “This person is unpleasant to me, I don’t want to continue communicating with him” at the first meeting. We all are not in the mood, or too tired, or feel bad. Perhaps the next time you meet, you will change your opinion about the person to the diametrically opposite one. People change and everyone should always have a second chance.
Nothing personal
What we think about someone, or what someone thinks about us, is all a subjective, not an objective opinion. No one can be adored by everyone. Such people will always have the same number of haters as admirers. Therefore, every time you think that someone doesn’t like you, you shouldn’t think that the person hates you, period. Maybe you just haven't communicated enough? But this feeling is not very pleasant and it clearly does not help productive communication, but only makes everything worse.
In the same way, perhaps the person who infuriates you to the point of shaking your knees and is currently sitting in front of you at a business meeting may be very pleasant and sweet to someone else. And you just don’t know his pleasant sides. Therefore, we keep our opinion to ourselves and try to make sure that it does not affect the outcome of the business meeting. No one is forcing you to be friends, right?
Ignore jokes and witticisms
This is one of the most difficult moments - to react correctly to a joke or to miss a barb. We all have different ideas about what is funny and what is not so funny. If for someone one joke may seem absolutely harmless, then for another it can be almost a mortal insult. And sometimes a person deliberately tries to piss you off with his jokes. Why give in to provocations and stoop to his level? It’s smarter to just remain silent.
Try to speak calmly and keep your facial expressions and gestures under control
What is much more important is not WHAT you say, but HOW you say it. When you say that you are absolutely calm, but at the same time you almost scream, no one will ever believe you. In the same way, a person will easily notice your dislike for him by the expression on your face. Calm timbre of voice, watch your arms and legs (so that they don’t cross) and try to maintain a Pockerface expression.
Learn active listening
If you have already realized that a person is unpleasant to you, do not focus on this and do not scroll this thought in your head over and over again. Instead of constantly thinking about the negative, it is better to listen carefully to what they say to you. By focusing on the essence of the conversation, you can quickly understand what exactly they want from you and end this unpleasant communication as quickly as possible.
Keep track of time
Time is one of the most limited human resources.
It's more about how to behave in a way that doesn't annoy someone. Time is one of the most limited human resources. It is of course for anyone, regardless of status and amount of money. Therefore, it is terribly annoying when a person makes himself wait for no apparent reason, but simply in order to seem important. Remember this and don't make people wait and waste their most precious resource.
When communicating with a person, remember that only you can control your behavior. And the outcome of your conversation depends on this. Yes, sometimes we cannot choose our interlocutor or partner, but we can choose how to behave.
The psychologist told how to protect yourself from toxic people
Surrounded by residents of a big city, there is almost always a pessimist, always offended, a quick-tempered person, there are always scandals and squabbles around him, if after communicating with him there is a feeling of devastation, then he is a toxic person. The first thought is that you should limit communication with such people, but what to do if these are close people, colleagues or relatives?
It is important to maintain emotional distance, says family psychologist Lyudmila Tkachenko. “It's important to keep your emotions in check, and sometimes it's better to choose a neutral approach, such as nodding and agreeing,” she says. “As an example, if you are comforting your upset friend, don’t let her make it a daily tradition, otherwise you will become bogged down in her feelings, which will affect your emotional state.” You need to keep your distance, building a constructive dialogue, without absorbing negative information, this is the only way to develop an internal filter from other people’s bad emotions and problems.
“A good way to neutralize a toxic interlocutor is to ask him the question: “How and when are you going to solve your problem?” He will either change the subject or shut up because he is going to complain rather than solve the problem. Remember that only the search for a solution is constructive, not worry,” adds Tkachenko.
It is equally important to reduce communication with toxic people. For example, if there is a negative colleague at work, then communication with him can be reduced to resolving work issues. If we are not talking about work mates, you can put calls and notifications from toxic callers on silent mode. “Toxic people need a response, and if they don’t get it, they move on to the next “victim.” Alternatively, for some people you can become a very boring, unmotivated interlocutor who cannot be angered,” notes Tkachenko.
Also, when communicating with toxic people, you can openly say what exactly doesn’t suit you, in this case, either the person will begin to change their behavior for the better, or will stop communicating with you. The psychologist advises developing the ability to stand up for yourself and your boundaries. “All toxic people are manipulators. They need to make it clear that you can stand up for yourself and are not going to be manipulated by him. A good way is to set time limits for communication. For example, if your friend is a toxic person, set a time limit for communication, explaining it with tasks that cannot be put off. If communication with her cannot be limited at all, suggest that she address her problem to a psychologist. If a colleague violates boundaries, provokes conflicts and “puts a spoke in our wheels,” it’s worth talking to your manager about the division of responsibilities between you,” the expert emphasizes.
The psychologist recommends in all situations to take responsibility only for yourself, and not for the problems of other people, because the goal of a toxic person is to shift this responsibility onto the shoulders of others. “You were asked for advice, you expressed your opinion on how to solve this or that problem, but this decision turned out to be wrong. You will be the last one in this situation, and you will be made to feel guilty. Stop all possibilities of involving you in solving the problems of toxic people,” Tkachenko concluded.
Hate in educational institutions
In school or college, it’s essentially not very important. The principle there is very similar. There is a class or group in which there is often one student who becomes the object of ridicule. The principle of similarity of all members of the group comes into play here. Classmates want to surround themselves with people they understand. They want to be like everyone else, albeit with differences. But the essence remains the same. In the class, it is customary for everyone to be one. The same thing happens in summer camps, boarding schools, outings and other gatherings of teenagers.
Children feel anger towards their peers when they are different from them. The so-called white crow. It is much easier to feel negative towards a person than to try to understand him. And at such a young age it is not yet entirely clear how to interact with people in general. You either like them or you don't. Teenagers love to measure everything in terms of “black” and “white.”
In such a situation, friends are very helpful. Who understand, support, and share your particular worldview. The person really needs support. And a friend is an integral part in this regard. If you don’t have friends at school or college, then you definitely need to find a place where you can meet like-minded people. This could be an online community. Thanks to rapidly developing technology, we can easily communicate with people all over the planet. Take advantage of this achievement.
It’s better to simply ignore classmates who ruin your life. Go to school or college to gain knowledge. When you receive a certificate/diploma, you can easily forget all these unpleasant comrades. You should not respond to aggression, call names back, intrigue or take revenge. You will only waste your nerves. The best defense against hatred is to ignore this feeling in other people.
Step back from the situation and analyze the reason for the negative attitude towards you
You need to clearly understand why a person has a negative attitude or even hates you. At this stage, you will not be able to change the situation, but this information will help you build a different line of behavior with him.
If negative behavior is associated only with a person’s character, and you came into the field of his activity by accident, this is one option. If you somehow touched on something important to him, even if this is his erroneous interpretation, this is a different situation. Understand why the person is so sensitive. Maybe he is afraid of losing something, being left alone, getting less attention?
At this stage, you clearly need to understand the essence of the hostile attitude and try not to relate to this fact.
Kingdom of Hate
Hatred is a very strong feeling. It knows no pity and consumes everything in its path. People who experience such strong feelings may not notice anything around them except the object of hatred. Every person has experienced the full power of hatred at least once in his life.
All people have certain characteristics that can cause negativity from others. In a group of people, it is common to be somewhere between an individual and part of a group. This is a certain component of a person. You are still you, but at the same time you are the same as everyone else in the group.
In addition, hatred can arise against a background of misunderstanding. When one person does not act as expected. Broken expectations may well give rise to strong negative emotions towards you. Hatred can easily be spread in a group of people. If one finds an object for anger, then he will most often begin to look for people who will support him in this. Such singers, who themselves may not experience this feeling, but at the same time, for the sake of company, will terrorize a person.
Under the mask of hatred, a huge number of other emotions and feelings can be hidden. It’s not for nothing that they say that from love to hate there is only one step. If a person is important to you, then it’s worth trying to find out what might actually be hidden under anger.
Getting advice on how to deal with this situation depends on what you ultimately want to achieve. Let's take a closer look at this feeling in various stories.
Refined Ways to Communicate During Conflict
First, let's get acquainted with those practices that can be applied “in the fields” - that is, at the moment of communication with an unpleasant person.
The magic word "YES"
What should you do if right now your interlocutor raises his voice at you, throws insults or makes claims? To all his attacks, answer “yes, you’re absolutely right.”
What does this look like in practice? Let's say your mother-in-law constantly tells you what a disgusting housewife, bad mother and uncaring wife you are. Agree with her! Confirm her every comment. Soon the aggressor will simply run out of arguments, and he will change his anger to mercy.
Pause mode
An ideal way to fight off enemies on the Internet. When you receive an offensive message in instant messengers, the best solution is to activate the “stop” button in your subconscious. Do not respond to the offender until your emotions return to normal.
"Humorous landing"
Can't wait to give your annoying boyfriend a black eye? Let the “humorous landing” into your subconscious. Imagine him dressed as Winnie the Pooh or Maya the Bee. Mentally have fun with the resulting image, draw new details, nod, assent. And if this doesn’t help, just take pity on the poor guy. He's like Panikovsky from The Golden Calf. Apparently no one likes him either.
"The text is not according to the script"
Every brawler has in the recesses of his subconscious a scenario according to which your conflict will now take place. Be original and break up the prepared text with unexpected twists. For example, your boss scolds you for an hour, and you tell him: “What a wonderful tie you have, I’ve never seen it before. Looks damn good on you!” And while he’s trying to put his thoughts together and come up with a new twist in the storyline, finally finish him off: “Let’s talk in a calm manner. Such a tone is beneath my dignity.”
“It’s terrible to live without a joke” (Alexey Ivanov, film “The Geographer Drank His Globe Away”)
What to do if an uncomfortable topic comes up in the dialogue? Of course, laugh it off! It’s very difficult to argue with comedians; they will turn any scandal into a joke. For example, your mother’s friend asks you: “Are you going to get married someday?” You’re already 35, the clock is ticking.” And you answer her: “Yes, I would gladly go, but there are so many good men, which one should I marry?” Let the interlocutor find herself in an awkward situation.
“Come on, repeat it!”
At times, a person who has shown aggression towards you does not even have time to think about why he did it now. In this case, give him a second chance and ask again: “What did you just say? Repeat, please, I didn’t hear.” If he realizes that he has made a mistake, he will quickly correct himself and change the topic of conversation. Well, if he really wants to quarrel, then use the examples listed above.
Sophisticated ways to communicate after conflict
Now let's look at communication methods after a conflict has occurred.
Distance yourself from the unpleasant person
Psychologist Olga Romaniv believes that the best option for communicating with a person who is negative is to keep such meetings to a minimum. “Say goodbye without regret to those who are unpleasant to you for any reason,” the specialist wrote in her blog. Do not respond to SMS, delete the phone number, add the provocateur to the “black lists” on social networks. You can always find an objective reason why you do not take part in the dialogue. Refer to busyness and urgent matters.
Make him feel awkward
Uncomfortable situations automatically shut down human initiative. Do you want to get rid of the enemy's company? Make a joke so that he doesn’t understand anything, but feels stupid. For example, Ivan Urgant once said to annoying fans: “You better not come near me when I’m breastfeeding my baby. You can wake up your son. The boy is still thirteen. It will be awkward for all of us." It's clear? No. Graceful? Very much.
Excess of altruism
Everyone likes kind people. However, if a person cares too much about others, even neglecting his own interests, this causes distrust on the part of others. His behavior seems strange, and people begin to wonder why this person gives up his own desires to please others, even if his kindness is openly exploited. People don't like bad attitude, but they don't appreciate excessive altruism either.
