- Do you have children? – I asked my new friend casually.
Bright, smart, successful. At the first meeting, I drew her portrait in my mind, while filling in the empty puzzles with the help of questions, she did the same. She told everything vividly, seasoning it with humor and life wisdom. And then she fell silent. Then she answered that they were, but now they are not. They died as babies.
– Please never ask people if they have children. If there is, then they themselves will mention, tell, and share their successes. If not, you will hurt them very much. You won’t believe how many children die around you: emergencies, road accidents, illnesses. And how many parents live with this burden, with this pain in their hearts.
There is little information on how parents cope with the loss of a child. The topic of “every parent’s biggest fear” remains taboo, despite the prevalence of the situation. This Health Expert material consists of 4 parts. 2 of them are stories of women who buried their children 10 years and 1 year ago. It cannot be said that these stories are indicative or, on the contrary, typical: the heroines did not find a magic pill for grief and did not cope with the catastrophe of life very quickly. They talk about how they deal with grief, how they were supported and how they would like it to happen.
Another 2 parts are expert opinions. Psychoanalyst, director of the Institute of Psychoanalysis of Central Asia Anna Mergenbaevna KUDYAROVA shared her professional knowledge on how to cope with the loss of a child and how a psychologist can help. And the development director of the Russian charitable foundation “Light in Hands” Ekaterina NEMENOK spoke about the activities of her organization, designed to provide information and psychological support to orphaned mothers and fathers (a help office opened in Almaty at the end of September 2020).
Irina, 60 years old.
10 years ago I lost my 20-year-old son.
– When this happens, a person’s reaction and how he will cope with the loss of a child depends on the type of his nervous system. I read about this on the Internet. I'm a fairly balanced person. But now I can tell you: it is impossible to survive this. Only time. A lot of time.
It is very important what kind of relationship you had with your child, what he was like. A lot of young people die as a result of drug addiction, alcoholism, failure to speed, and as a result of conflict situations. I understand that for every mother, her child will be good in any case. But at least some explanation can be found there. I could not. The son was perfect. Ideal in relation to family, people, study. The way he went through life fascinated me. Although before his death I never boasted about his successes, I thought it was inconvenient to talk about his achievements. And now I say: my son was perfect! Therefore, his death from pneumonia was a collapse for me. It burned down in just a few days. Over the weekend he became hypothermic, on Monday the local doctor called his illness minor, and on Thursday morning there was swelling of the brain.
I had depression. It started about six months later.
At first, there was still no awareness of what had happened—or rather, I understood with my brain, but my heart didn’t believe it. I immediately, a month later, left the wonderful job where I had worked for many decades, and planned to continue working. From my eldest daughter, I had a little granddaughter, whose care was taken care of by a nanny - a complete stranger. I realized that I most likely won’t have any more grandchildren. Therefore, I decided to devote myself to her. Thus, there was no emptiness around me. But still, after about six months, it began to slide. I developed a profound indifference to everything. I was taking care of my granddaughter, but I was emotionally exhausted. At the same time, she cried all the time. The daughter asked not to do this in front of the child. I cried until my granddaughter saw, no one saw - in the morning and in the evening.
My daughter saw what was happening to me. She found a neurologist for me. I was prescribed tranquilizers. In principle, good medicine. At least they helped a little with sleep, which was abnormal. Then they prescribed antidepressants. But I didn’t drink them for long. I felt all the side effects described in the instructions, and now I was not only emotionally but also physically crushed. I thought that I was a healthy person and could get out of this state. I just started to control myself. She talked about what was possible and what was not. In general, I cried every day for 2 years. But the second year is already less.
I read that psychologists advise talking through your problems.
Who should I tell? To your friends? About the same thing again? I had no reprimand. I was embarrassed to talk about it. And people were not ready. I noticed that for the first year almost all of my friends and acquaintances were afraid to call me. This was a lesson for me. When a friend’s husband died, I knew how to behave. I called her myself and said: “Tell me something about Leshka.” When a person speaks, something comes out of him, it becomes easier.
My husband and I lived in silence. They were afraid to speak. I thought that if I started talking, he would start to worry. He didn't speak because he thought I would be worried. He also had a hard time with everything. Everyone was on their own. We didn't go anywhere. We didn’t visit our favorite dacha that year. I can’t say that we completely dropped out of social life and everything was in darkness. Sometimes we go to a birthday party; a friend came from Russia - we saw her and our granddaughter almost every day. We went to the cemetery, but not often. I wasn't drawn to it. As expected: 9 days, 40 days, six months, a year - everything happened.
My son was involved in social activities. A few years later, a journalist called, interviewed me and his friends and wrote an article about his activities. I was pleased. But at the same time there was shock. Although my daughter’s colleague said that this was probably a custom article. I guess I ordered it...
After 2 years, we took a very elderly, childless aunt with Alzheimer’s to live with us. We couldn’t hand her over, hysterical and aggressive, somewhere. That's why she lived with us for the next 5 years. It was a very difficult 5 years. The child, whom I had been constantly caring for before - at home, in clubs - was sent to kindergarten. I can't say that I got worse or better. I just showed the sky and said that I couldn’t be broken.
Around this time, handicrafts appeared in my life. In this way I escaped from everyday worries. I watched master classes via the Internet, studied, and improved. I found like-minded people. But I was in no hurry to sell. As a matter of fact, I didn’t want to do raw work: my academic education and experience in science taught me that it is necessary to first fully collect and analyze information, and only then do it, and do it efficiently. I changed my working technique and it worked too. I didn't make money from this. I don’t need recognition from the outside - I myself know what I do well and what I can improve. For the last 2 years, I have hardly been doing what I love: my eyes hurt from petty work, I feel bad, plus my granddaughter has started school, I need to devote more time to her.
I don’t think that if the hobby had appeared in my life earlier, it would have somehow helped me survive the death of my son. It came exactly at the moment at which I had the strength to do it.
What helps
During this period, a person may imagine a voice, the steps of his deceased son, he may come in a dream and try to speak
.
If the same thing happens to you, talk to your son in a dream, ask him to come
.
It is too early to completely let go of a deceased person. Do not be shy about good memories, talk about the deceased with relatives, and willingly share your experiences
. If they cannot help you in word or deed, they can at least listen. Tears during this period can also help you periodically come to your senses. But if these periods continue almost around the clock, you need to contact a qualified psychologist.
The father did not have to bury the child. The death of a child seems out of place, out of order, and wrong. Every layer of our cry says “this is not fair!”, and it really is. As shock waves pass through your body, your mind and your spirit, you realize that this is one of the most difficult and painful times of your life.
We not only feel the pain of losing our son, but also the loss of our dreams and hopes for the future. Our worst fears came true. We have failed in the sacred duty of protecting our son, and life seems no longer worth living. You are living in a nightmare that no one should have to go through. pain is the price you have to pay to love.
Lyudmila, 52 years old.
A year ago, her 21-year-old daughter died of leukemia.
- I have two children. My son is 15 years old. Daughter Evgenia was 21 years old at the time of her death. We divorced our son’s father shortly before Zhenya’s illness.
In July 2020, Zhenya was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. She studied in China, arrived on vacation on July 1, went to her birthday on the 2nd, and on July 3, a lymph node enlarged in her neck. In recent months, she was alarmed by a slightly elevated temperature, 37.2 °C, and weakness: in Beijing, she climbed the Great Wall of China with great difficulty. We learned the diagnosis after a blood test on July 8, and only on the 13th were we hospitalized according to the quota. Registration to receive the portal takes a very long time. I didn’t know then that I needed to be more persistent, that I needed to run and demand that they put it down.
During this year, Zhenya underwent several courses of chemotherapy. We did not know that she, a 19-year-old girl, was being treated according to an adult protocol. In our Republic of Kazakhstan, children are treated according to the protocol up to 21 years of age, in Europe – up to 30 years of age. Maybe it was considered unpromising, and the children's protocol is 3 times stronger and 3 times more expensive in terms of medications.
At that moment, my sister started a page on Facebook - “Save Zhenya Andronova” (now it has been renamed “Page in memory of Zhenya Andronova”), where she began to write about everything that was happening to her niece. After this, the chief freelance hematologist of the Ministry of Health of Kazakhstan, Irina PIVOVAROVA (now this position is occupied by another person) contacted us and invited us to get treatment in Astana. The leukemia treatment protocol lasted six months, from July to February. Zhenya was discharged for maintenance therapy; she had to have a bone marrow puncture every 3 months. The first puncture was supposed to take place on May 25th. Zhenya felt very good.
She had a lot of plans, she bought a new guitar, wanted to play the guitar, improve her English, work, get married. In China she found a loved one. When she arrived, she said that she was going to marry him. We were so happy for her! During the course of treatment, she traveled to China again. The groom paid for the trip. But we never met, we didn’t have time. The results of the first puncture showed that a relapse had begun.
We didn't think about death. We always hoped for the best until the last moment. We fought for her life. Treatment in Astana according to the protocol after a relapse did not help. July 26 was Zhenya's birthday. On this day, without waiting for hospitalization, her friend died, and a puncture showed that the blasts had grown - the treatment did not help. The head doctor called me and told me to take my daughter home within two days, “so as not to spoil the statistics.” I resisted as best I could: “What will I do with her in Almaty?” They told me to call an ambulance when it gets really bad. I didn’t tell my daughter the whole truth, but she herself realized that something was wrong. Doctors stopped coming in, and the attitude of the medical staff changed.
My sister began looking for other treatment options. At first we thought of going to Moscow to the National Medical Research Center for Pediatric Hematology, Oncology and Immunology named after Dmitry Rogachev, but we were accepted only in Minsk - at the Children's Center for Oncology, Hematology and Immunology in Borovlyany. In this clinic, the survival rate for lymphoblastic leukemia in children is higher than in Israel and Germany. It was there that we were told that Zhenya had to be treated according to the children's protocol. We arrived there on August 2, 2020. Zhenya’s body responded very well to the treatment, but it seems that time was lost. If only we had gotten to them earlier! On August 20, she started having severe headaches, fell into a coma and spent 5 days in intensive care. On August 25 she passed away. We were later told that she did not die from leukemia, but that her body simply could not stand it.
Through friends, we contacted the consulate of the Republic of Kazakhstan in Minsk, which did not help us in any way either with issuing a death certificate or with transporting the body to Almaty. If we had submitted documents to the consulate for a death certificate, we would have stayed in Minsk for another week (the consulate generally refused to help with transporting the body). We flew to Almaty 2 days later on the next flight using the services of an agent recommended at the hospital. We paid for the delivery of the body ourselves. 2300 dollars without air tickets for me. I still have the Belarusian death certificate in my hands. I was never able to register the Kazakh one at the Public Service Center due to bureaucracy and undeveloped procedures. A separate story is how I met the body in Almaty. In the documents it is called “cargo 200”. Customs didn't let me through. Having arrived at night, at 4 o’clock in the morning, I alone (an escort was not allowed in) looked for him in the huge hangars at the airport. Already desperate, I somehow found it.
I cannot say that I coped with Zhenya’s death. I haven't done it yet. At the very beginning, I did everything mechanically with the help of friends: funerals, wakes... Only worries somehow distracted me. I was terribly depressed for 3 months. Friends and acquaintances hardly called. Maybe because they didn't know what to say. In extreme cases, everyone said: “Hold on,” “You are strong,” “You will endure everything”... My daughter did not like such wishes. Now I understand why. In general, during Zhenya’s illness and after Zhenya’s death, I realized how much people love to give advice and criticize. Smart-looking people said that if you have leukemia, you should drink camel urine, treat yourself with soda, and refuse chemotherapy. Do they know that leukemia does not have stages, like other types of cancer, and without treatment, patients go away within 20 days? One friend said that Zhenya did not pray enough, she should have been on her knees and maybe then she would have remained alive.
And I really wanted them to call me, express sympathy, talk about abstract topics. At this time I had to be pulled out of the vacuum. I couldn’t and still can’t look at my daughter’s photographs—they don’t stand all over my apartment. For me, she is somewhere there, as if she had gone back to study in China. My son and I almost never discussed my sister’s death. You ask him: “How are you?”, he answers: “Norm.” Of course, it was a shock for him, he worries deeply within himself. I didn’t turn to psychologists. Although I don't think they can help me.
My sister advised me to go to work. I saw an ad on Facebook that children needed a nanny. I started working. Children are such a distraction, with them you forget about everything!
I communicate with Zhenya’s friends at the hospital, I try to help, sometimes with advice, sometimes financially. We are always in touch with her friend Valya GAIDAMANOVA , she is from a village near Yesil, Akmola region. We were even expecting her to visit, but Zhenya had a relapse. She asked: “Can I write a book about Zhenya?” - “Yes, of course, Valyusha.” She recently sent a manuscript of 80 Word pages. The book is called “Let's be friends and live. Cancer". My sister and I read it. We believe that this is a very necessary and worthy book. Valya described how they were treated in the hospital, about the hospital itself, about leukemia, and how she overcame this diagnosis. Now we are thinking together about how we can promote the book and print it. Valya has another book planned, about love. She has the same diagnosis as her daughter. In January 2020, Valya’s 2 years of support will end and she will be considered conditionally cured.
At the beginning of this year, together with a volunteer, the chairman of the Help Today public foundation, Elya ALIYEVA, we met with the Minister of Health Yelzhan Birtanov . My sister and I participated in the creation of a roadmap for pediatric oncology and hematology - I talked about all the shortcomings and mistakes that we encountered, about the Republican Children's Center in Minsk and how treatment was organized there, and met with the head doctors of hospitals. This is an important matter for the future. As far as I know, 70% of our wishes are reflected in the final version of the roadmap, which, I hope, will be implemented. I want patients diagnosed with leukemia to be treated in Kazakhstan in the same way as in the advanced countries of the world.
Psychoanalyst, director of the Institute of Psychoanalysis of Central Asia Anna Mergenbaevna KUDYAROVA
– What does psychology say about the loss of a child?
– Psychology is always based on physiology. Physiologically, we are designed in such a way that parents leave first, children later. Yes, it hurts us when we lose our parents, but still, deep down in our souls, we all know that this is the law of nature, you cannot go against it. Therefore, you can come to terms with this. And the loss of a child is unnatural, it’s kind of against the law. And that's why it's much harder. Among the Kazakhs, when a very young person dies, they say: “Kyrshyn ketti.” Very roughly this can be translated as “Count and did not live.”
– Does the death of a child often lead to the breakup of a parental couple?
– I’ll tell you a very sad story. He and she got married. They have a big age difference, she is much older. But they gave birth to a child. And a year later the child died suddenly. I ate ice cream, my temperature rose - something minor, there was no severe long-term illness or any special traumatic wound. One ambulance, the second, the child died. This is grief. They could not stand it and, despite all the deep passion, they parted. They seemed to try to stick together, but it was terrible: one blamed the other, the second blamed the first. And then they amicably decided to separate. This is one possible scenario. By the way, that couple eventually had a child together. But they had to overcome a lot to achieve this.
There is another option. When parents decide to quickly have another child. And then a substitute child is born, in psychoanalysis there is such a term. And all sorts of misfortunes may begin to fall on the head of this unborn child. Because a child is born not for himself, not as a separate child, but as a successor to a deceased or deceased child. This mechanism is triggered especially clearly when the deceased child was the first and only one in the family. When 3-4-5-6, it’s not so visible. I worry that he will be allowed to live his life, and not the life of that first child. Well, for example, he managed to show musical inclinations. And the second child is sent to a music school, although he has no interest in this matter.
– If parents want to have more children, how long do you recommend waiting?
– According to folk tradition, the year. I recommend after 3 years: all this time, every cell of the mother’s body is crying. And when only light sadness remains, the second child will be born for himself, and not as a substitute for the first.
– How does the grieving process work?
– If a child did not die from an illness, but someone killed him, then for some time the parents can push the grieving process aside and begin to engage in all sorts of legal proceedings or vindictive actions. Grief cannot be avoided, it can only be delayed. The grieving process is a complex process that involves mourning a loss and coming to terms with that loss. It is not possible to say that a person has grieved when a marble monument, a golden mazar appears on the grave, or when there are many portraits of a deceased child in every room. Grieving ends correctly when a bright sadness remains in the soul, a bright image of a deceased or departed child.
In principle, the process of grieving for the deceased is similar to the stages of accepting a serious illness. For example, oncology. First, denial: the person doesn’t want to believe it. Then the stage of anger: why is this happening to me, why is it my child? Then depression. Well, in the end, a person begins to realize what happened, he comes to terms with reality and loss. Only when a person is repaired, that is, has restored his soul, his functions, can he live on.
There is a Soviet film "Anna and the Commander". It’s not about the loss of a child, but it clearly shows an example of pathological grief. When the hero of Vasily Lanovoy died, the heroine of Alisa Freindlich closed all the windows and doors for 11 months and did not go out anywhere. That is, symbolically she dies with him, she does not accept this world without him. And many parents often do the same.
One woman, whose young son died in the service, was brought to see me through long persuasion, almost by force. My goal was to help this woman mourn her child, because she considers herself to blame for what happened. In general, any parents blame themselves if their children die. We are designed in such a way that we always blame ourselves: deep down, we blame ourselves for the fact that we remained alive, but the person dear to us left. I helped her reduce her feelings of guilt, find some comforting moments: that her son managed to get married and now has a grandson - his copy, that she has someone to live for, someone to take care of. Caring for a grandson is like caring for a son.
– Do memorial days also have their own meaning?
- Yes, definitely. There is a wake on the day of the funeral, there are 7 days, 9 days, 40 days, 100 days, six months and a year. The selection varies slightly across cultures. Folk tradition gives a year to mourn. And after a year, it seems that the person should recover. And the majority, in principle, agree with these laws. Most straighten up.
But psychological laws are different. In psychology, it is believed that the process of grief and mourning takes about 1000 days and 1000 nights. The good thing about this folk tradition is that it helps a person survive the first year, when a person should never be alone.
Very often the memory of the deceased takes on hyper-dimensions. For example, the family celebrates his birthday with tears in their eyes for years, commemorates him on the day of his death, or for some other reason. People come up with many rituals when they cannot let go of someone close to them. If a year or two or three has passed, and parents and relatives still don’t even allow themselves to smile and don’t go anywhere, then most likely they are frozen in grief. And they need the help of a psychologist. I'm not saying that you should completely forget the child. You need to remember it, but the memory should be internal, not external.
– How are feelings of guilt processed?
– A person will always find someone and something to blame. Therefore, I use new technologies as an example: “Imagine that you and your child have a communication channel, like Skype or WhatsApp. What would you tell him?” And parents, with tears in their eyes, begin to say everything that hurts their souls. That they gave birth and didn’t save it, that they went to the wrong pharmacy, that they gave the wrong injection. Everyone always has their own details that are important to them to talk about.
Then I ask: “Did he hear you now? What did you answer? Usually our psyche is structured in such a way that something soft, sad, and forgiving comes from the other world. And parents in dreams usually receive the answer: “Yes, mom, I, of course, forgive you. If you had known, you would have done everything you could. You’ve already done everything you could, but not everything is in your power.” Sometimes religious people may have it a little easier than non-religious people. Because they seem to shift part of the responsibility for what happened to God: “This is His will, He decided this way, and we can only reconcile ourselves.”
To work through feelings of guilt, I suggest taking action. If you blame yourself for not having time to buy something for your child, to do something for him, do it for someone else/others, your own or someone else’s, even from the orphanage. Give a three-tiered cake with a cartoon character, buy beautiful clothes, take them to the mountains. If you dreamed of going on a trip around the world with him, then go yourself. This child is always in your head - he will see the whole world with you. We must keep promises. Such actions are a return to real life, these practical steps, together with conversations with friends and/or a psychologist, help to melt the ice in the soul. You can also read books and articles. Now you can use a search engine to find many competent works in English, Russian, and Kazakh. For example, I can recommend a good book by psychoanalyst Vamik VOLKAN “Life after loss. Psychology of grief."
How can loved ones help?
If loss has befallen your loved one, you can help him get through this difficult period. Remember that now it is important for him to speak out and be heard. If the griever wants to talk about their feelings, appreciate it. To help parents you need:
- Be available for communication. Spend time together, call, communicate on social networks, be there for funerals and wakes. It is important to be the first to make contact - ask how to help, remind him that he has someone to turn to. But don’t impose your society 24/7 - just don’t leave a person in a vacuum.
- Let me talk. When listening to stories about what happened, ask in detail how it all happened, what the interlocutor was worried about, who was next to him. Don't comment on the story or rate it - just listen. A story of loss retold many times dulls grief and helps one survive the loss.
- Help express feelings. It is important to understand how the death of a child affected a person: what collapsed and did not come true, how plans for life and ideas about oneself changed. Let the interlocutor name all the emotions he experiences and describe how he feels. Naming problems by name is already half the way to healing. They help you accept the loss and understand it.
- Comfort. If you don't know how to comfort properly, ask what you can do. Sometimes a person wants someone to hug him, stroke his head, and cry. If you don't know what to say, just be silent together. Avoid common phrases like “We’ll all be there” or “Pull yourself together.”
Be careful not to miss dangerous symptoms. It is important to convince a person to consult a doctor or psychologist in time.
Charitable Foundation "Light in Hands".
Ekaterina NEMENOK, development director.
6 years ago I lost my son 3 weeks after birth.
– Who created the “Light in Hands” charity foundation and why?
– The idea of creating a fund came from Muscovites Alexandra and Dmitry FESHINYH when they themselves were faced with the death of their son in childbirth. Walking this path together and receiving the support of professionals, they came to the conclusion that not everyone is lucky enough to meet the right people along the way. Soon like-minded people appeared, and together with them a website was launched with materials that helped answer numerous questions that arise from the first minutes of realizing the death of a child. The name was chosen by the fund's managers from a huge number of options proposed by caring people. The fund started operating in April 2020.
Our initial task was informational and psychological support for parents who have lost a child. Now the tasks have expanded significantly. We mainly train doctors and medical personnel in general on how to interact with a parent who finds themselves in grief, and also prevent awareness of people on this topic.
– How do you train doctors? How do you raise awareness among ordinary citizens?
– We have developed and launched 5 programs that we adhere to in our work.
The Birth as a Profession program is designed for health care providers working with families who have lost a child. The goal of the program is to increase the level of awareness of medical personnel in assisting parents with perinatal loss. Based on Russian and international experience, we have developed a special course, consisting of a webinar and a one-day face-to-face course, for doctors, obstetricians, and neonatologists. As part of the course, we talk about algorithms for interaction with patients during and after loss; we introduce protective techniques that help employees of medical institutions avoid emotional burnout; We provide methodological materials, based on which doctors provide the necessary support to parents who have suffered a loss.
The Give New Life program is designed to help reduce the number of stillbirths and support women on the path to new motherhood. There are no statistics on the number of stillbirths and infant losses as a result of perinatal choice (abortion for medical reasons in the case of developmental defects incompatible with life). However, according to unofficial estimates, about 17 thousand cases of stillbirths occur annually in the Russian Federation (a third of them are full-term), as well as about 17 thousand cases of child loss in late pregnancy or in the early neonatal period due to congenital malformations. To implement the program, we contribute to the maintenance of up-to-date statistics on the causes of stillbirths, and attract highly qualified specialists in the field of hematology, genetics, gynecology and obstetrics to study the problem and advise families who are ready to become parents again.
The goal of the “Knowledge” program is to raise awareness among parents in the event of a missed abortion, death of a child, or developmental defects in the baby. We have developed and are printing specialized brochures intended for distribution in maternity hospitals to parents who have experienced perinatal loss. Our foundation is also preparing separate information materials that parents can receive at an appointment with a gynecologist or in an ultrasound room, detailing cases of frozen pregnancy, death of a child, as well as developmental defects in children.
The purpose of the Birth Assistance program is to help manage births for families who know their baby will be stillborn. In this case, parents need special support both before and during childbirth. Husbands may not always be present to help mothers during childbirth, but we believe that a woman should not go through the agony of stillbirth alone. For this purpose, our foundation is engaged in the selection of doulas - special assistants during childbirth who provide free practical, informational and psychological support to women in labor.
The goal of the “Necessary Words” program is to raise public awareness about the problem of child mortality before, during and shortly after childbirth. And also about how you can help such families. We tell you how to behave and how you can help if your relatives, friends or colleagues are faced with the death of a child.
– What are the results of the fund’s activities today? How many cities and countries are you represented in?
– Today the foundation provides remote psychological assistance throughout Russia and abroad. All Russian-speaking people who contact us are provided with immediate support. Appeals came from Belarus, Ukraine, Poland, Italy, France, Germany, etc. In-person psychological assistance and support groups are presented in Moscow, Chelyabinsk, Kaliningrad and Almaty. Preparations are underway for work in several more cities of Russia. We are also waiting for new people, psychologists and activists who would like to start working in their city. After all, the more people can receive qualified help, the brighter life will be.
Also, to date, medical personnel have been trained in two perinatal centers - in Moscow and Ufa. We printed and distributed 1,500 copies of brochures to be distributed in maternity hospitals to people who have just experienced perinatal loss. The brochures were delivered to 21 maternity hospitals in different cities of Russia, some of them were distributed among doulas and midwives. Over the past six months, the foundation has provided individual psychological and informational support to more than 100 people. This does not include those who simply read our brochures and stories posted on the site.
– What is the estimated size of your audience? Who makes it up?
– Traffic to the website lightinhands.ru is growing monthly. In April, at the time of publishing a new story, we had only 150 visitors to the site, but now there are 1,400 people. The vast majority of visitors are mothers who are looking for support or want to support and share their experiences. There are quite a lot of dads and people who were not personally affected by this topic, but they could not remain indifferent to it. The older generation shows itself very rarely. I would like to note that our fund also receives requests from employers who want to provide a comfortable emotional state to their employees who are going through the pain of losing a child, since a very large percentage of women quit or change jobs after the experience. Doctors, obstetricians, and doulas who are not indifferent to their mothers who are experiencing the death of a child also write.
– What percentage of website visitors and social media pages behave silently, and how many are ready to interact with a psychologist?
– On the site, many people simply read the weekly stories and brochures. After reading an interesting story, many decide to tell their own and send it to us by email. We also often receive letters with words of gratitude for our work, someone offers help, someone is ready to donate.
Approximately 4% of the number of site visitors seek individual psychological help. If a person asks for help, then a psychologist begins to work with him. Sometimes counseling takes place by correspondence, since a person cannot speak out loud about his grief, sometimes by phone or Skype, sometimes in a personal meeting. Our regular support groups, which take place twice a month, are attended by 6 to 10 people. Dads come along with moms. In support groups, people not only discuss their grief, but also communicate about all sorts of fears and problems related to planning a new pregnancy, a new life in society, communication, etc.
– How are you represented in Almaty?
– In Almaty, our interests are represented by Alena BEKLEMISHEVA , a mother who went through the death of a child and a psychologist. She conducts individual psychological consultations and support groups in conjunction with the Association of Perinatal Psychologists. It also organizes training for doctors to work with patients in grief. All services within the framework of the fund’s activities are free of charge for those who seek help. We are ready to open branches in other cities of Kazakhstan if there are people who have the necessary qualifications or want to obtain them.
How to start a new life
Any person who finds himself in such a difficult situation is trying to understand how to live after the death of a child . It seems that the light has gone out, everything around has lost its meaning and significance. Often in such a situation, people decide to commit suicide, because they simply do not see the point in continuing their torment.
However, psychologists note that effective ways to start a new life do exist, and here are just the most pristine of them:
- temporarily leave the apartment where the parents lived with the deceased child, as everything here reminds them of the tragedy;
- it is necessary to block memories of death and funerals in order to stop tormenting one’s own heart;
- It is recommended to go on a trip, distract yourself by understanding the world;
- In no case should you lock yourself at home, because the more often parents communicate with others, the easier it is for them to forget about the problem;
- you should find new interests and hobbies.
The father and mother of the deceased child will literally have to start life from scratch. They need to find a new place to live, perhaps change their social circle and interests. All this will help, if not to stop suffering, then at least to forget.
Psychologists note that pain often does not leave a person throughout his life. However, over time, he learns to treat her philosophically, ignoring remorse.
When the worries subside, you can meet with old friends, return to the apartment where the child once lived, and get old photographs. However, while the wound is fresh, storing the heir’s belongings and memories will only cause endless suffering.
Parable
One day, an old man’s daughter died. She was very beautiful and young, the inconsolable parent simply could not find a place for herself. After the funeral, he came to Mount Ararat every day and asked God why he took his daughter, who could live for many more years.
For many months the old man left without an answer, and then one day God appeared before him and asked the old man to make him a staff, then he would answer his question. The old man went to the nearest grove, found a fallen branch and made a staff out of it, but as soon as he leaned on it, it broke. He had to look for stronger material. He saw a young tree, cut it and made a staff, which turned out to be surprisingly strong.
The old man brought his work to God, who praised the staff and asked why he cut a young tree that still had time to grow. The old man told everything, and then God said: “You yourself answered your questions. In order to lean on the staff and not fall, it is always made from young trees and branches. So in my kingdom I need young, youthful and beautiful people who can be a support.”
Children are the rays that illuminate our lives. With their arrival, we rethink a lot and learn a lot. But not everyone is destined to live happily ever after, you need to understand this and continue to live, keeping in your heart the joy that this child was once there.
People who have experienced the death of a son, especially their only one, sometimes have to suffer alone
. No, of course, those around you, especially relatives and close friends, are always there to support.
But often all the help that can be given to you comes down to the words “Life goes on” or “Be strong, we are with you.” But will this help you find the answer to the question of how to survive the death of your only son?
?
Third stage
About a year after your son’s death, some peace of mind may come to you. Although a resurgence is possible
.
However, you have probably already learned how to manage your grief
, you know what you need to do to calm down.
Take a break from something you love, chat with friends, spend time with them
.
If you have survived all of these stages of tragedy well, you will be able to come to terms with the loss and learn to move on. Yes, memories will torment you from time to time, but don’t reject them. Sometimes you can cry, the main thing is that you will soon calm down and pull yourself together. After all, you have a family, it hasn’t gone anywhere. Your relatives will help you, over time you will have a new incentive for life, for a happy life
.
Pain is a natural and normal reaction to loss. It is a physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological response. It is a complex process that affects every aspect of your life. Love, anger, fear, disappointment, loneliness and guilt are part of the pain.
Physical reactions to pain may include changes in appetite, lack of sleep, irritability, sighing, crying, upset stomach, and “heartache.” You may experience sexual difficulties and find yourself away from your spouse. You feel like you want to cry all the time, or you may also feel like the tears will never come out of you. These emotions and feelings sometimes occur in “waves” that can be paralyzing.
Question from Irina, St. Petersburg:
When will the lectures be? How to learn to live again if children have died and you don’t want to live?
Answered by Tatyana Sosnovskaya, teacher, psychologist:
There is probably nothing worse in this world than when parents have to bury their own children. There is something wrong and unnatural about this. The world turns upside down and turns from white to black. How to survive the death of children when your whole life was dedicated to them?
Anger and guilt are common emotions. You may become angry with God, with your spouse, with your child, or with other people. You may also become angry with yourself. Guilt and doubt become his constant companions. You may think that you "hear" or "feel" your baby's presence and begin to wonder if you are going crazy. His hands seem to feel empty while his heart seems to burst in pain. Even though these feelings may be as intense as they are frightening, they are a normal and natural part of pain.
With the departure of children, meaning, joy, and hope also disappear. A black, burning and cold emptiness fills from the inside, not allowing you to breathe, not allowing you to live.
Reverence to the deceased
You can express your respect to the deceased in other ways without dooming yourself to eternal torment. For example, you can visit the grave more often, pray for peace, make an album of happy photos, or collect all his homemade cards together. During periods of melancholy, you need to remember only happy moments and be grateful for the fact that they existed.
On the second Sunday in December at seven in the evening you need to put a candle on the windowsill. On this day, parents who have lost their children unite in their grief. Each light makes it clear that the children illuminated their lives and will forever remain in their memory. It is also hope that grief will not last forever.
You can turn to religion for help. As practice shows, faith helps many people cope with grief. Orthodoxy says that a parent will be able to see his child after death. This promise is very encouraging for elderly parents. Buddhism says that souls are reborn and surely in the next earthly life mother and son will meet again. The hope of a new meeting does not allow the mother to break down or die prematurely.
True, there are those who turn away from the faith. They don’t understand why God took their child when murderers and maniacs continue to roam the world. Fathers often tell grief-stricken parents a parable.
