How to survive your husband’s betrayal: constructive advice from a psychologist

Hello, dear readers! Have you recently found out that your husband doesn’t love you, is cheating on you and wants to leave? Or maybe he has already left for another woman and filed for divorce? Your family has collapsed, and now you feel like the world has collapsed and you will never be happy again? Do you think that the pain that is now tearing your heart and does not let you go for a minute will remain with you forever?

I want to please and reassure you: everything will work out, and you will learn to laugh again and see that life is beautiful. Someday you will become the same, remember your hobbies, make plans and make your dreams come true.

All this awaits you ahead. But this will not happen immediately, and perhaps not soon. Now you are going through the most acute and painful phase of separation, and at this stage you just need to survive. I will tell you how it is easier to survive a divorce from your husband, I will share my story, because I was once in your place.

Signs of a cheating husband

A couple of words should be said specifically about the signs that indicate a “walking” husband. In fact, a woman immediately notices “oddities” in her husband’s behavior. And the surest sign of her husband’s betrayal, as many believe, is her intuition. Although this is a rather dubious statement. What could be a real red flag?

A man's sudden preoccupation with his appearance. He wants to be irresistible to a new woman, he wants to show her his virtues.
Smell. Either he will smell like “another woman” or he will suddenly change his perfume to a completely different scent. Body odor (chemicals) may also change.
Inexplicable, frequent delays at work, after which the husband returns tired but happy. It’s easy to check: you need to call the office on the night when he will be “finishing the report.” His absence from the workplace will prove suspicions.
Rare sex. If a husband has a mistress, then why does he need the affection of his already tired wife? Even if she put on new lingerie and did gorgeous makeup.
Mood swings: from harshness and irritability to unprecedented tenderness - either he justifies his action, looking for shortcomings in his wife, or he feels guilty and tries to make amends for it.
Lack of money. You need money for a mistress, everything is logical.
The emergence of new habits. It is normal when a person spends a considerable part of his life with the same woman, and then suddenly suddenly acquires a mistress.

And, of course, signs of betrayal include secrecy, constant attempts to hide the phone and log out of all social networking profiles on the computer, as well as a sharp reaction to ambiguous questions or criticism.

Divorce

According to most opinions, relationships tainted by infidelity should be ended. A man who went “to the left” is a coward, a liar, a traitor and a hypocrite. These are the mildest expressions. Just think: he consciously took such a step, knowing that it would cause his loving wife unbearable pain, plunge her into despair and hopelessness, and destroy her world.

Such a man is not worthy of forgiveness. If the relationship between the spouses had long ago failed, then it was possible to resolve the situation humanly - with a long constructive dialogue, a civil dissolution of relations and a peaceful separation in different directions. But acting behind your back, looking for pleasure on the side, is despicable.

Many people think that deciding to divorce is difficult. Especially if the spouses have been married for a long time. But, as practice shows, this is not so. After betrayal, a person becomes like a stranger. Not to those with whom so many pleasant moments and warm memories were experienced. It will not be easy to maintain the appearance of a happy marriage, to lead a common life, to live in the same house.

There will be a spirit of betrayal in the atmosphere. Maybe over time the pain will dull, but the woman will always remember her husband’s terrible act when she looks at him. As a rule, this leads to deep, long-term depression.

Therefore, you should not be afraid to change something. You can always have time to start life from scratch. It will take less time and will not bring as much pain as a reminder of betrayal constantly looming before your eyes.

How to save a family if your husband cheats - advice from a psychologist

Any unpleasant situation in the life of the spouses seems to them a disaster. But betrayal is a case that cannot be compared with anything. The female sex experiences this event much more difficult. Some women can say with confidence that adultery is comparable to the death of a relative.

We must prepare for serious difficulties if a lady decides to save her family. She will have to go through painful periods, which, in addition to loss of trust, occur along with a feeling of betrayal, shame and severe pain.

How to save a family on the verge of divorce - advice from a psychologist.

The perception of what happened depends on the woman’s degree of self-esteem. If she is too jealous, you need to prepare to confront yourself, since tracking every action of your loved one is not a particularly effective method for preserving the family. Ultimately, this will encourage the husband to cheat on his wife again.

Pride is another reason for the inevitable internal struggle. You will have to fight with your own causticity and desire to humiliate the traitor. In such a situation, the lover may not tolerate this and leave for another.

If a woman decides to be an eternal victim, then the family will also face an unfavorable outcome. Consciously or not, with or without reproaches, the lady will create a situation in which her husband will feel eternally guilty of any problems, no matter if they happened or not.

But how to build a family life after your spouse cheats? Is it possible? The answer to the question is positive. Strangely enough, there are situations when betrayal on the part of a husband acts as cement for a collapsing marriage.

Watch the video. How to survive betrayal. Advice from a family psychologist.

Types of treason

Adultery can be different. You cannot judge your spouse’s actions or give advice without knowing the details of what happened.

Ringed men commit adultery for several reasons:

One night stands, lust or making a sexual dream come true,
A passing hobby, new emotions, fresh sensations, improved self-esteem,
Love/infatuation that ends in a long-term affair.

A one-time betrayal is easier to forgive; the husband could take such a step due to some special circumstances. Of course, this does not mitigate his guilt, but understanding male psychology clarifies a lot.

An intelligent woman knows that a man by nature is a conqueror and hunter, so possible betrayal on the part of her spouse is never ruled out. There is always hope, I want to believe that my husband is not like that, but the facts tell a different story.

How to save a family if the husband has grown cold?

Sometimes a man can sleep with another because of intimate incompatibility with his wife, protecting her from his vulgar desires, with which he is afraid of offending his beloved. It is no easier for the wife to “court” her in this way, but the husband has a special opinion on this matter, he is confident in the correctness of his own actions.

Sex due to alcohol intoxication is also possible, when a man is unable to refuse a lustful girl who is pursuing him. Most likely, after sobering up, he will realize his guilt and will try not to make such mistakes again.

70% of men cheat

As a rule, eternal “hunters” or husbands who have been married for decades take part in the search for new sensations. Monotony, stability, children, family worries, tire you over time.

The unexpected appearance of a beautiful girl often sends a married man down the wrong path and creates the illusion of happiness. He feels young again, gets the opportunity to change his boring position, and is glad that someone else is interested in him.

Reasons for betrayal

All people are different. This also applies to the male half of the population.

There are several reasons why cheating occurs:

Lifestyle. The man is not used to monotony. Despite the feelings he has for only one woman, he is not against affairs on the side. It’s more interesting for him to live if his partners change often,
Boring life. A man gets bored with routine. From day to day, the spouse does not change either in the kitchen or in her intimate life. My husband gets bored with this and starts looking for something new,
Increased self-esteem. If the husband is not without complexes, and his wife teases him about this, he begins to assert himself with other women,
Hypersexuality. There is a type of man for whom sex is never enough. If the wife is unable to give her husband the amount of sex he needs, then he will make up for the “norm” with the help of other women,
Spouse's indifference. A husband may sometimes not understand his wife's constant headache. In particular, this applies to the moment when everything goes towards sex. This attitude of his beloved forces him to cheat,
Dissatisfaction. This occurs in cases where the spouse is not able to give the man the desired sensations from sex.

To prevent your husband from thinking about copulation with another lady, try to devote more time to him. If you still have difficulties regarding this problem, but you don’t want to bring the matter to a divorce, then go to a psychologist for help. He will tell you how to learn to forgive your spouse’s betrayals without losing your self-esteem.

Watch the video. Signs of male infidelity. How to find out if he is cheating or not?

Signs of betrayal

Almost any lady can easily recognize adultery.

To be convinced of suspicions about your husband’s infidelity, it is enough to pay attention to the following points:

Mobile phone. Despite the man’s attempts to hide something, the wife can understand this by his behavior, for example, if the husband, answering the call, goes into another room or speaks with some encrypted meaning. Frequent SMS also makes you think. But you shouldn’t immediately think about cheating, maybe your spouse just decided to give you an unexpected gift,
Appearance. If your husband suddenly changed his image and became more attentive to himself, think about it. This could be a warning sign
Late returns from work. All wives know the schedule and peculiarities of their spouses’ work. If a man starts returning home late, pay attention to this. It is possible that the reason for the constant delays was another woman,
Deception. A woman is able to think logically, so it is not difficult for her to guess where the lie is and where the truth is, especially if we take into account the details that the husband did not take into account.

If you notice such oddities in the behavior of your loved one and think that he is cheating on you, do not get excited. Better think about the possible reason. You will probably understand how to forgive your husband and improve family relationships. You can separate at any time, but not every wife can save the family idyll.

My husband wants to get a divorce, but I don’t – what should I do?

My husband cheated but won't leave

A man can remain in the family after cheating for various reasons.

The most common are:

The frivolity of the novel. Under such circumstances, the man is not sure that he is ready to leave his family and doubts his love for his new passion. Chances are it's just a passing fad.
Weakness of spirit does not allow one to speak honestly about betrayal. This requires considerable psychological effort,
The husband does not want to hurt his wife, but in this situation there can be no talk of love. It's a simple pity. Most often, they learn about betrayal during a quarrel or an unexpected meeting between a mistress and her husband,
Common past. In such a situation, the spouse simply does not want to interrupt such a long journey together in life. After all, during this time you had children, you solved more than one problem together,
The husband wants to return to the old relationship. It is likely that he is simply confused and has decided to resurrect his feelings for you, starting over from scratch.

Is it worth saving the family?

Psychologists cannot give an exact answer to this question, because it is necessary to solve it independently.

Before you decide, imagine how your life will turn out after a divorce or think about the prospects for your future life with your husband. Try to sort out your feelings.

Try to find an independent person who will delve into your problem. Try not to talk about this topic with loved ones - they will not soon forgive a man for inflicting a mental wound on you.

Find out whether your husband has decided to stay in the family or intends to leave. What do you want? The conversation will help you understand what to do next with your relationship.

THIS IS INTERESTING! Five reasons for cheating in marriage.

How to improve relationships

He remained in the family, although there was an opportunity to leave. He is nearby, and that's the main thing. It’s not easy to stop a man if he has a new love. If he stayed, then this characterizes his betrayal as a one-time affair, and the spouse does not want to end the family relationship. This is a simple formula that you need to know when determining the future fate of family life.

Look at the problem from a different angle: how often do husbands marry their mistresses? It has long been known that the probability is extremely low. This suggests that it is not so easy for a husband to decide to break off family relationships. His wife is more important to him than a little-known lady.

What to do next? Make sure that as few people as possible know about your spouse’s betrayal. You especially shouldn’t tell your girlfriends or mom about the incident.

Firstly, in the future they will once again remind you of your spouse’s betrayal, forcing you to show negative emotions. Secondly, you will protect your husband's reputation. There is nothing wrong with the fact that your friends will continue to respect the head of the family.

It is highly undesirable for your children to know about your spouse’s infidelity, so you should not quarrel in their presence.

How to improve your relationship with your husband?

A change of scenery

How to live after your husband’s betrayal is the following advice from a psychologist. Having learned about your spouse’s actions, you need to urgently leave the house. And not to cause a scandal, although the desire is quite natural. But you need to maintain your dignity so that later, during a serious conversation, you can express your thoughts as coldly and bitingly as possible.

It is really important for a devoted woman to go somewhere, because if she stays in the apartment where she had to live with her beloved husband just a few days ago, everything in it will remind her of the unfaithfulness. You can stay in a hotel or even outside the city, closer to nature, unity with which is relaxing.

In addition, being in peace and quiet, you will be able to think carefully about everything and build a further line of behavior.

Looking ahead, it should be noted that some work will have to be done in the apartment. How to survive your husband's betrayal? The psychologist’s advice is this: get rid of everything that awakens vivid memories of him in your soul. And repairs won't hurt. Repaint the walls a different color, buy new blankets and bed linen, dishes for your loved one - an easy transformation of your home will make it individual, not marital.

Is it possible to save a relationship?

It seems easy to forgive a spouse after cheating, because the man broke up with his mistress and returned to the family. A woman tries to live according to the old scenario, some even succeed for a short time. But then thoughts come that everything could happen again. Scenes of my husband having sex with someone else pop into my head. Inner dignity and respect are tested by one's own conscience. As a result, tension arises and the situation becomes tense. As a result, the couple's claims sooner or later result in a scandal.

The wife suspects her husband of communicating with his mistress, follows him and harasses him with constant interrogations, and the man gets angry, because he was counting on understanding and forgiveness, and not on daily hassle. The couple finds themselves in a vicious circle and becomes hostage to a situation where they cannot save the family and cannot separate.

The issue here is lost trust. It is easy to forgive a woman, but it is difficult to learn to trust a deceiver. The anticipation of a new betrayal keeps her in endless tension.

Before forgiving her beloved, a girl must ask herself whether she will be able to forget about the betrayal and trust him again. If there is no answer, then it is better to take a break from the relationship to put things in order. Peace of mind can take many months or even years to recover.

There are several key points to understand when it comes to forgiveness:

If the partners decide to stay together, they will have to be more attentive to each other, keep their emotions under control and try not to quarrel.
The girl should behave tactfully and gently so as not to make the man regret his decision to stay.
It is better to change your place of residence so that it does not remind you of the unpleasant situation.

Psychologists believe that sometimes a woman turns a blind eye to infidelity because the couple has a small child or is financially dependent on her husband. In such circumstances, the spouse will constantly walk to the left, knowing that he is in complete control of the situation.

READ Cheating on your husband: reasons, signs and actions when detected

If a lady can provide for herself and her child, then it is better to leave her unfaithful partner first.

The decision to maintain a relationship after betrayal should be made only by the partners. Sometimes betrayal becomes a test of strength, but it is possible that this is a point in an alliance that has long outlived its usefulness.

Talk

Psychological advice on how to live after your husband’s betrayal. You definitely need to talk to the man. After the conversation, it will become clearer how to live after your husband’s betrayal. The conversation should be calm, quiet and peaceful, without hysterics. There is no need to explain to the husband that he is a scoundrel - this will already be clear to him, based on the cold-blooded tone of his offended and betrayed wife.

You need to find out from your spouse why exactly, from his point of view, he committed this act. What did he miss being with his wife? What did she do wrong? What didn’t you add? In what way was she objectionable? Why did he decide that it would be better with the other? From the answers received, the woman will be able to understand the man’s attitude towards her and make decisions regarding future relationships.

You need to show up for the meeting in full dress, of course. The image should not contain anything from the woman she was the other day, trampled by betrayal and pain. Fresh, clean skin without swelling from tears, exquisite makeup, beautiful hair, an outfit that flatters the figure, high heels, attractive perfume - this is what should have a place in the closet of a devoted woman.

What is this all for? Not so that “he understands who he lost.” For your own satisfaction and self-confidence. The girl, looking at herself in the mirror, must think - is he, a traitor and traitor, worthy of a queen like her?

You also need to behave accordingly. Dignified, but not arrogant. You need to clearly explain to your spouse how much pain he caused, but you cannot humiliate yourself or cry. Also, you should not “pull” repentance and apologies out of him. Let him act on his own: this way the woman will understand whether he himself feels guilty, whether he understands what he has done.

Is it possible to forgive?

The woman herself must answer this question. Many devoted girls are tormented - how to survive and forgive their husband’s betrayal? But here a psychologist and friends are unlikely to give advice. They can help you look at the situation from the outside, suggest a course of action, sort what happened into pieces, and identify the causes and prerequisites. But what to do next is up to her to decide.

Some forgive. And here are the most common reasons:

Blind, unconditional love for your spouse.
Treason happened only once. By chance, according to the husband.
The spouse repents and makes such attempts to earn forgiveness that can touch even the stony heart.
Children or pregnancy. This is also called “preserving the family.” The most dubious reason. It would be better for a child to live in comfort with one caring parent, and sometimes see the other, than to suffer in a “family” where there is no love in the couple, but only coldness, anger and continuous humiliation. Or false.

And how to forgive your husband’s betrayal? The advice is this: having made this decision, you need to establish yourself in it. There is no need to “forgive” for show, and then remind your husband of his actions all his life. Therefore, if you are not sure that forgetting, making peace and living as before will work out 100%, it is better to separate and not torment either yourself or him.

By the way, most often girls are haunted by the fear of new relationships. Surprisingly, many women think: “What will I do next? After all, we are connected by years. There were so many events and memories. I can't start over with another person. After all, you will have to get to know him, go through all the stages of a new relationship, learn to trust.”

Nonsense. No one forces you to immediately rush into a new relationship. The girl can do what she wants. There is no need to torment yourself with sick, betrayal-tainted relationships. To be humiliated by living with someone who didn't care about her feelings. It's better to be free. And then she will definitely meet “the one.” Besides, to relive the ethereal feeling of falling in love and enjoy the romance of courtship - isn’t it wonderful?

Ask yourself questions. And answer them honestly

Don't get into your partner's soul. He may, under the influence of his condition or circumstances, say something that will resonate with serious pain in your heart, and the wounds after these words will take a long time to heal, and in a week the person himself will not even remember his words.

If your partner cheated, but does not try to make amends, you should not try to reason with him. In this case, it is better to turn to yourself and ask yourself a few questions:

How do I feel about what is happening to me? Do I agree to this?
How do I feel when all this happens: anger, irritation, resentment, sadness?
Am I ready to live in this situation and how long can I live like this?
What date (what period) do I set for myself to stop enduring all this?

Cheating with a “call girl”

Many believe that this is an isolated case. Well, it’s also worth talking about how to survive your husband’s betrayal with a prostitute. A woman, having learned about such a shocking incident, is lost: this is sex without feelings, for money... maybe just a break from the family routine, satisfaction of needs?

No. Although men make excuses like that. They call it a purely mechanical act, in which there is nothing personal. Just fun, a way to have fun and a little adrenaline.

However, this is a betrayal. It doesn’t matter whether he is a prostitute or a mistress – the man felt the need for another woman. He felt a desire for someone other than his wife and fulfilled it. And he will name the reason, most likely, the standard one - the wife no longer looks “fresh and interesting”, her head “hurts” too often, the sexual relationship has cooled down... So it makes no difference to whom exactly this happened.

Take a break to recover

After the discovery of the fact of betrayal, emotions run high.
It will take time for the world to return to normal again. And even more so, it takes time to think through further actions. After you've listened to your partner, tell them that you need some time alone to think things through. Ask them not to touch you until you get in touch. You can set a specific time frame or simply say you'll let me know when you're ready.

Most likely, immediately after opening you will want to take strict measures, whatever they may be. Someone wants to immediately return everything as it was. After such a shock, many often begin to feel an overwhelming need for a partner. And someone decides to burn all bridges and never look back.

Try to resist such impulses and make decisions with as cool a head and a calm heart as possible.

In the meantime, while you are taking a break from each other, put all your energy into recovery. At work, tell them you're sick. Call your best friends and talk to them. Sleep. Eat. Take a walk in the fresh air. Go to the gym. Pour out all your painful thoughts onto paper. Get ready. Sing. Do anything to feel better. As long as possible. In fact, few of us are used to taking care of ourselves, so this stage will not be easy. But the effort is worth it.

Go see a psychotherapist. If only because even the most devoted friends may get tired of listening to your story for the tenth time. Talk to someone you won't irritate, and you'll work through your issues instead of just spouting negativity.

How to live after your husband’s betrayal - advice from a practicing psychologist

How to survive your husband's betrayal? A psychologist's advice wouldn't hurt. After this, a woman may feel as if she has taken a bath in mud. She is disgusted by the realization of the action of the once beloved man.

Although, indeed, there are some ladies who believe that calling a prostitute is the same as trying a new cuisine. But here it all depends on personal moral principles and, of course, feelings. Sex is a component of love. And if a man idolizes his woman and values her feelings, then he will never hurt her with his betrayal. Just like she won’t do something like that.

Revenge

Betrayal evokes different emotions for everyone. Some women want to run away to the ends of the earth, while others want to take proper revenge so that their husband feels even more severe pain than the one he inflicted himself. These girls don't believe in karma and that God will punish them. They want payback. And therefore their life turns into thinking about how to punish their husband for treason.

If you really want to cause trouble for your spouse, you need to choose an option that will not result in trouble for the woman herself. Otherwise, she will destroy her ex’s car with an axe, after which she herself will be summoned to court and given a fine for damage to property. But how to punish your husband for cheating? Here are the tips of some girls from forums discussing the topic among deceived wives:

Generously spray the car with slop and sewage.
It's the same smelly way to ruin your clothes. Nonsense? Not at all, because most men are squeamish (in terms of washing) and do not like shopping. And here they will just have to look for clothes and shell out money for them.
Add a laxative mixed with sleeping pills. The situation will be straight out of a joke.
Tell the whole world about what happened. This method is not for everyone - proud girls will prefer to hide betrayal from prying eyes and ears. Others, on the contrary, will talk about the betrayal in all its colors and details, or even post it on a social network. Girlfriends, colleagues, acquaintances - they will also organize word of mouth as a sign of female solidarity.
Absolute ignorance. The method is suitable for women who have decided to forgive betrayal, but want to get even. The bottom line is this: continue to live with him, but do nothing. Neither cook, nor clean, nor do laundry, nor even talk. Maybe, in the absence of all this, the young man will realize the value of his woman and the abomination of his act.
Exploitation. Why not start using your husband to satisfy your whims? Wanting to receive forgiveness, some cheaters are ready to fulfill any whims of their spouse.

In general, there are many ways of revenge - from the most terrible (like damage) to the most literate (moral pressure). But, since the girl cannot think about how to survive her husband’s betrayal and save the family without retribution, it is better to choose something more harmless. She doesn't need another burden on her soul.

Life after betrayal. Stigma forever?

Cheating always hits relationships, destroys them, alienates people from each other. However, if you are old enough to deal with fate's surprises like an adult, then you may actually want to maintain a normal relationship after cheating .

Both participants suffer from betrayal. In general, it does not matter whether it became known about it or not, since we are talking about disruptions in the flow of energy in a couple.

Always remember that the culprit is the one who cheated. And all responsibility lies entirely with him. The other participant in the relationship should under no circumstances take responsibility. Both must accept the fact that the one who committed the betrayal is to blame. And it is the guilty partner who should take action to soften the blow and normalize the relationship.

The condition for maintaining the couple is so that he can cope with his emotions (and guilt can take any form - hysterics, anger, uncertainty, etc.) and begin to soften the blow of his action. You can change more than you think.

Suppose a man cheated and he himself is horrified by his act, lies at the woman’s feet and sheds tears. Moreover, he himself told her about adultery. As a result, the spouse cannot survive the betrayal because there is no space left for her own emotions. She is blocked in the stage of shock and disgust for several months while the man suffers. There is no energy dynamics happening.

But the task of the “victim” (if there is a goal of preserving the relationship) is not to try to shoulder responsibility, to fuss, and even more so to try to improve. This is your responsibility in this situation. If you generously fail this mission, the relationship will inevitably remain at the stage of scandals and showdowns, even though you are guided by the opposite motives.

Consider an example: a man finds out about a woman’s infidelity. The initial reaction is shock, panic. This is followed by persuasion to stay, an admission of guilt: they say, he was wrong in something, cold in relationships, etc. Having calmed down after the shock, he begins to realize that he humiliated himself by asking not to leave him.

Absolutely the same picture with women who learned about the “walking to the left” of their loved one. Initially, they are indignant, then they try to take the blame for what happened on themselves, after which resentment towards their partner sets in, along with disgust.

That is why those who suffered should not press on the culprit, but give him a chance to atone for his guilt. This step is the main one on the path to normalization of relations. You shouldn’t “add fuel to the fire” (humiliate the culprit); your hysterical reaction is as disgusting and humiliating as the betrayal itself. All this will subsequently lead again to disgust, the inability to forgive the partner and a break in the relationship.

Let's take a closer look at what betrayal hits first and what suffers.

Most believe that trust in a person is the first to be undermined; this is not entirely true. It is not worthwhile to completely enter into trust with any person, even with someone who has never betrayed us. At any given time, anything happens, the most unpredictable things.

In this regard, people suffering from betrayal are sure of one thing: the cause of their suffering is mistrust. At the same time, listening to a lot of empty advice from friends, such as: “you can’t keep another person on a short leash,” “everyone will change over time,” etc.

Thus, sympathetic friends try to convince the victim of betrayal that they need to put as little pressure on the cheater as possible, reduce control over him and just calm down and relax. But no one is going to give up control and pressure; on the contrary, suffering will increase against the background of the desire to receive some evidence.

Sooner or later, all this tension and hysterical behavior will lead to only one thing: the culprit will decide to break off the relationship because he can no longer tolerate reproaches and mistrust. Usually they promise to believe him, admitting their guilt in some way, but this faith is too weak. What follows is secret control over the cheater, even greater resentment and suffering. This kind of relationship is an unbearable coexistence.

The realization that betrayal does not affect trust, security and unity, but a person’s self-esteem, will help you break out of the closed circle Knowing this, it is necessary to begin work that will bring noticeable results.

A spouse who has experienced the blow of betrayal first of all suffers from self-esteem and self-respect. Imagine a field with figures, one of which is a person who has suffered from betrayal. It is she who receives a blow on her own territory, losing some part of her body. And the faster this figure recovers, the faster the person will gain a strong state and be able to turn the outcome of the battle in his favor.

To do this, you need to understand one thing: your suffering from betrayal is suffering from the fact that your spouse humiliated you, neglected your feelings, and lowered you very low in his “rating”. That's what haunts you.

This is where aggression arises, then the desire to file for divorce, and it all ends with fear. Your fear weighs on you. A terrible picture of how you will be replaced, forgotten, neglected, ridiculed of all your qualities and actions, and even with someone else.

And your wounded personality will remain alone. You will not be able to quickly restore your energy field. This is where panic and the desire to “hold on to a thin hair with all your might” comes from.

You need to decide and don’t rush from one side to the other.

Your main task is to raise your self-esteem and prevent it from falling lower and lower. Once you feel, both in your own eyes and in the eyes of your spouse, that you are strong, beautiful, independent and worthy of respect, the pain of betrayal will evaporate. Do not allow pathetic and self-degrading actions, this will only increase the pain.

In the event of betrayal being revealed, the best actions would be: distancing and expressing affection.

You should remember this: tenderness and keeping your distance.

Affection can be combined with anger or pain, and how you express it depends on your psyche and the existing relationship. But you are obliged to express affection. Many people make the mistake of becoming hysterical and, in anger, utter phrases such as: “this was to be expected!”, “all women are the same!”, “what happened to him, was it better!?” By doing this you will not devalue your partner, you will only lower your self-esteem and self-esteem, increasing the damage to yourself.

Let's say you guessed about the betrayal, but pretended that you didn’t know and didn’t notice. What if there were no guesses or hints, and at some point you find out about the betrayal? You should not pretend that you have been aware of this for a long time and have been living with it for a long time, since by doing this you make it clear that you were aware of everything and lived with it calmly, letting them wipe their feet on themselves.

By trying to despise your partner, you are lying. But this lie hits you specifically. Upon learning of the betrayal, express ardent surprise, thereby showing that you knew nothing and the news took you by surprise. The emotion should be clear, tough: “What did you do???!!!”, “With whom???!!!”, “Why???!!!”, “I didn’t expect this from you!!!” » etc.

How you present it depends on your character and relationships. You can use a harsh, rude or polite tone. But don’t get angry; strong emotions are always short-lived.

Next, you should keep the maximum distance possible in your relationship. If you can pack your things and leave, leave. If this is not possible, then maintain distance in the room where you live together. Set up the cheater so that he doesn’t walk around or touch you, ask for time to think about everything.

By doing this, you let the person know that you are making sense of everything and can move away from him even further if he does not take any measures to restore the relationship. One thing follows from this: the further and faster you move away, the better (your importance in his eyes will increase). Go into your own world, in which he is not, do not provoke scandals, do not talk or ask him anything. This will be one of your significant actions.

This step is necessary to further increase your importance in his eyes, since it will already grow after the betrayal. This will also affect your self-esteem: it will grow.

Note! The cheater really wants to get you into bed, thereby showing how much he values you, and the victim of betrayal often has the desire to throw himself on the cheater’s neck, pretending that nothing ever happened. Under no circumstances should this be done! It is possible that this can completely or partially relieve stress, but self-esteem will fall “below the baseboard” if you take this step after betrayal.

These actions show that you become passionate and uncontrollable after cheating, thereby only reinforcing the bad behavior of the cheater. Afterwards, you will not be able to forgive yourself for this, since you, having become stressed, committed such an action, thereby humiliating yourself. This action will increase the resentment towards the one who betrayed you and he will be guilty of everything, he will remain, because of this you should not humiliate yourself.

If a cheater initiated intimacy, you have two options: move away from him to the distance set earlier or give in. The first action is more acceptable, but the second is not so bad. In this case, the cheater must initiate intimacy, and you will only give in to him (possibly confused). But if you initiated intimacy, then subsequently the realization will come that you are a rag on which they wiped their feet. Maintain your self-esteem, because it takes the brunt of betrayal. And the troubles that follow are the result of crippled self-esteem.

There is such a thing as an “eraser for betrayal.” It can be used by those who cheated to reduce the negative consequences of their act.

Respect your other half, demonstrate it openly. After all, by cheating, you do not respect your partner, it follows that compensation for disrespect will be a respectful attitude towards your spouse. The actions you take should be aimed at only one thing - restoring your partner’s self-esteem. This is necessary to keep suffering to a minimum.

The Cheating Eraser will work if your loved one believes the following:

1. The initiator of the betrayal was the other party who has feelings for him;

2. Imagine this person (with whom you committed treason) as having cooled towards you and your feelings;

3. Present it in such a way that the spouse understands: the rival is less significant than the loved one.

By correctly presenting this information, you will understand that a person who has suffered from betrayal loses the feeling of humiliation and self-esteem is restored. It is necessary to continue actions with the theme “from humiliated to rehabilitated” , without trying to hide from it. This is the topic based on the issue of betrayal. Many people believe that they cannot be humiliated. It is possible, as much as possible. You suffer from humiliation, disgust and nausea arise from duplicity. The desire to have sex and love pleasures disappears - this is all from the humiliation that a person feels who has experienced betrayal.

If the “cheat eraser” has not erased all the consequences of the betrayal, then you need to make it clear to your spouse that he is the most valuable and desirable person in his life, and his rival is less valuable or not valuable at all. Explain that your opponent is aware of your great value to him. Present it clearly so that the victim of betrayal understands everything.

In general, it is worth drawing up a diagram and sticking to it in reality, in which your partner is located (occupies the top position), you (are slightly lower) and your opponent (who is located below you and even lower from your spouse). If you draw up such a diagram and clearly explain it to your loved one, then self-esteem will most likely be restored. Your partner may forgive you.

You shouldn’t expect forgiveness if your relationship has been collapsing for a long time, and betrayal is the last straw of patience. If your life partner needs you and he values the relationship, then the “betrayal eraser” will certainly work. The consequence of this will be strengthening relationships and increasing mutual attention.

Conclusion: after betrayal, the injured person must keep his distance, and the one who cheated must try to keep the object of love. Do not miss those who are dear to you: stop, not physically, but in your mind (with words). If you can’t stop, bring back the one you love. Repent, ask for forgiveness, and constantly talk about the importance and value of your spouse in your life. The feeling of humiliation will pass over time and they will return to you.

To do this, you should really act: stop communicating with your opponent, cutting off communication with him (in a harsh and affirmative form). It is advisable for your loved one to know about this. To do this, provide logins and passwords from your social networks to your spouse. This control of social networks will not last forever, it is only required for the loved one to restore self-respect.

Common mistakes cheaters make:

1. They justify cheating by saying that the partner has lost his attractiveness and sexuality (“you have lost interest in me, but she is interested in me”).

2. They explain that they lost their heads and were very carried away by what was happening (“due to stress, I followed the lead of a whim”).

3. Introduce a rival to a loved one as smart, beautiful, attractive and interesting (it’s correct to say “you are superior to her in everything, I succumbed to my whim and now I deeply regret it”).

If you notice, everything that is incorrectly presented is the low importance of the victim compared to the opponent, and what is written correctly (in brackets) – on the contrary, increases the importance of your loved one.

If the person you cheated on doesn’t want to listen to anything and constantly claims that you are disgusting to him, the love has passed and he doesn’t need you, then you should take a break, stop pestering, thereby reducing your own importance. Before you stop and pause, you should apologize, promise that this will not happen again, and provide evidence. This is necessary to create your own “baggage of truth.” If the person who was cheated on does not want to accept it, you can also distance yourself to a certain distance, declaring that if no one needs you, then he will always accept you.

In addition to helping the betrayed victim regain their self-respect, don't forget about yours. You shouldn't fall to your knees all the time, even if you're guilty. We lay down at our feet and got up, that’s enough. Remember one thing: they don’t forgive you, it means they don’t love you. There is a very large reserve of forgiveness in love; you just need to help the person forgive . But under no circumstances force him to do this.

How to survive your husband’s betrayal: advice from a priest

The topic under discussion should be studied from a religious point of view. In Christianity, betrayal is considered a catastrophe on a colossal scale. The soul of a man betrayed in such a horrific way is compared to napalm-scorched earth.

Priests conducting confessions say that people who find out about the betrayal come as if they were dead, not understanding anything. And those who repent of this appear insensitive, cold, and devastated. And both have their hearts and feelings burned out.

A person who lives in captivity of the sin of treason will look for an excuse for his action. No other way. If he didn't want to, he wouldn't have done this. But he can’t live without it. The most important thing is that he himself will end up feeling bad from the incessant search for an excuse.

When tormented by the question of how to survive betrayal and the departure of your husband, you need to remember that the basis of a relationship is fidelity and trust. When people can count on each other, there is no doubt that the partner will always lend a shoulder.

Thus, adultery is a betrayal of the secret of love. After all, the most intimate things about his partner are revealed to a person. And he neglected it.

And if there is sincere, true love between people, then there is no need to change. When this happens, the traitor must state: he needs no one except himself and his interests. The rest he just uses.

We can talk for a long time on this topic. But it is enough just to remember the words of Christ about marriage: “... and the two will become one flesh. What God has joined together cannot be separated.” This is the ideal to which religion later came. The relationship between man and woman was elevated to that between Christ and the Church.

What to do? Church ministers say: honesty is above all. Even after betrayal. There is no point in keeping a tainted marriage. But, at the same time, a woman should have her own personal way to solve the problem. And it will be determined by love - the deepest knowledge and the only support in such a situation.

Is forgiveness possible? Yes, if the man sincerely and deeply repents. But such cases are rare. Repentance must go through the awareness of sin in order to wash it away from a man. But this does not mean that the old life, which turned out to be destroyed by betrayal, will be restored. It will take hard, great work. It is very difficult to regain lost trust. And the woman will remain in a crucified state for a long time.

Reasons for betrayal

According to psychologists, the following main reasons can be identified.

Interest in another person.

You met another man and you thought you were in love. A friend’s brother, a new employee, just an acquaintance... A spark runs through, and you are already in bed together, and it seems to you that you have developed some feelings for this person. Now you don’t understand how this could happen. You are looking for reasons of a different nature.

Maybe you are forcibly trying to attribute too high feelings to a small adventure? Or do you see this as falling in love? People who have been in relationships for a long time often confuse the concept of falling in love with passion. Or maybe it was just a craving for the unknown? And try to honestly answer the question: do you want to continue this novel? Anything is possible, you will think that this is simple fascination, and instead of thinking about a new lover, remember why you once fell in love with your husband.

You felt attractive again.

For quite some time now, you have been left with the feeling that your husband does not see you as a woman and a mistress, but only as the mother of his children and his wife. You do not feel attractive and seductive to your husband. And the new man, whom you couldn’t resist, easily caught your “weak” spot. He was caring, passionate, and just showered you with compliments.

Psychologists believe that already two years after marriage, a crisis begins in family life. Hormones are no longer raging, and relationships move to a completely different level. Try to answer yourself this question: “Or maybe your spouse just doesn’t know how to show how interesting and attractive you are to him?” Think about it, haven’t you forgotten that next to you is not only the husband and father of your children, but also a handsome man? What do you expect from him and what can you give him yourself?

You needed a shake-up.

In your relationship, passion has long given way to routine. When you see your husband, you no longer feel butterflies fluttering in your soul. Even sometimes you catch yourself joyfully thinking that your husband came home from work later because he really wanted to be alone. It seemed to you that now life would always follow the well-worn path. When suddenly something unexpected happens while visiting or on vacation. An atmosphere full of romance, you are alone, compliments and no one bothers you.

It turns out that you didn’t even know yourself from this side. You felt an explosion of sexual energy that you were missing so much. Being next to this man, you became temperamental and thought: “Why not?” With him you were able to discover new sides of your sexuality. Now try to transfer them to your relationship with your husband. Talk to him frankly about what you expect from him in bed.

Maybe he also wants to change something in your intimate life? Persuade him to go somewhere together. This will help you remember the feeling that connected you many years ago. It happens that once in a lifetime, every person needs moments of madness. Or maybe this can be done, but without going beyond the boundaries of marriage?

How to live on after your husband cheated?

How to live after your husband's betrayal - advice from a psychologist. Most women face this issue. There are some people who, after a divorce, manage to erase their ex from their lives and start over. But for many, pain continues to devour them from within for a long time.

Here are some recommendations on how to move on:

Everything that excites and gnaws needs to be thrown out on paper. This is a very effective way to talk things out. In moments when it gets overwhelming, you can re-read and remember your thoughts - what helped you calm down last time.
You need to start making yourself happy. Trips to beauty salons and SPA, massage sessions, delicious food and sweets, meetings with friends, fragrant foam baths in the evenings - life should be filled to the maximum with positive and pleasant things.
It's worth making your dream come true. Maybe the girl dreamed of relaxing in Bali? So, it’s time to go there, but for a little longer! In addition, new experiences, unfamiliar cultures and interesting unexplored places will be beneficial. All this will captivate her and make her forget about what happened.
We need to start loving ourselves. It is important! A woman must convince herself: she is a Goddess. Daily self-care, makeup and hairstyle, and a stylish look will help her with this.
You should find new hobbies and interests, engage in self-development. In general, occupy your mind, soul and thoughts. Then there will be no space or time left to worry about your ex’s actions.
It is necessary to play sports. This is useful not only for the body and organism, but also for morale. After all, during training, endorphins are released, which help fight stress. That is why, leaving the hall, one feels such lightness in the body and clarity of mind.

But that's not all you need to know about how to survive your husband's betrayal. Psychologist's advice: you need to establish your routine. Go to bed no later than 23:00 or midnight, get up early (before 7:00). Open the window at night, start the morning with a glass of water and a contrast shower. Drink not coffee, but guarana extract, and eat a breakfast rich in vitamins and healthy elements.

All this will help the body feel better and have a positive effect on productivity and tone. The girl will have more physical and moral strength and energy. And this is very important and valuable in such a difficult period of life.

Stages of psychological trauma

When your husband cheats, this is a strong blow to the girl’s psyche. It doesn’t matter how the news came to the house: friends told him, the husband himself admitted everything, or his wife personally caught him in the arms of his mistress. In any case, the soul will begin to tear into pieces, and further life with the traitor will be in question.

Psychologists divide living and understanding betrayal into several stages. But each case is individual and depends on the character and temperament of the person. Some people suffer from psychological trauma for several years, while others pretend after a week that everything is fine.

READ I cheated on my boyfriend: what is the reason and how to maintain love

Shock

This stage is inevitable in the first hours. It is difficult to believe what happened; the fact of treason is denied even with clear evidence. The brain tries to justify the partner. This is a kind of defensive reaction of the psyche. The woman will feel that all this is not true, a dream, a hoax, a stupid joke.

Negation

After the initial shock wears off, the “This is not happening to me!” period begins. A person refuses to believe his own ears or eyes, because he understands that this is how his hidden fears regarding loneliness and the loss of a loved one are realized.

Aggression

When the denial trick no longer works, the brain tries to find an explanation for what is happening in order to build a logical chain. Often the search for its links turns into a search for the culprit. At first, a woman tries to find the reasons for her husband’s betrayal in herself: appearance, behavior, life position, sexual problems. Self-flagellation begins. At the same time, an erroneous model appears in my head: “If I find the reason in myself, then I am also responsible for what happened. And if I’m responsible, it means I can change something.” When soul-searching does not bring consolation, internal aggression breaks out and attacks the cheater.

This is a natural result of suppressed experiences. It protects the psyche from overload. But here too we must not lose control. The husband's screams, hysterics and accusations can give the mistress an advantageous advantage, and she will set her husband up for a final break. If the goal is to save the marriage, then you need to let off steam carefully in order to save face and not look like a hysteric.

Often the stage of aggression towards the husband and mistress can last for years. If the relationship has been preserved, then it contains humiliating and painful jokes, scandals, and irony. If there are children, a woman forms a negative image of the father in their minds

Depression

This is a natural result of the experiences we have passed through. A woman is faced with the unknown when all her plans go to pieces. When trust is lost, the next step is separation.

The understanding comes that it will never be the same as it was before. Life is clearly divided into “before” and “after”. This turn of events, combined with self-flagellation and low self-esteem, drives the lady into depression. She feels sadness, loss, world-weariness, apathy towards everything that is happening. At the physical level, depression manifests itself in lack of appetite, tears, and insomnia.

This stage is inevitable during the period of experiencing betrayal. In case of prolonged depression, the help of a psychologist and drug therapy will be necessary.

Disappointment

At this stage of experience, the emotional bottom comes. The woman is already indifferent to the fact of betrayal, she is aware of it and understands what pain she has experienced. But it seems to her that everything is not so scary, so she can continue to live as before. The brain tries to spin events according to the usual pattern and calm itself down on its own. The state of uncertainty has not gone away, but the subconscious wants to build an illusion for reassurance under the auspices of “Everything is fine!”

READ How to forgive a guy for cheating and is it worth doing?

Humility

The final stage, which comes a few months after the incident, is humility. The woman accepts, understands and realizes the fact of betrayal. She comes to terms with him and tries to move on with her life. By this time, the man either left for a new partner, or repented and stayed with his wife, and she clearly realized how important it was for her to maintain the relationship.

You can freeze at any stage, so it is impossible to predict how long each of them will last.