The death of a loved one instills fear in the soul of the mourner. But it’s even worse when the mother dies and the person remains an orphan. Going through such grief is difficult at any age, but it is especially difficult for children and adolescents.
It is impossible to prepare for your mother's passing. Few people know how to cope with the pain of loss and not sink into depression.
Stages of Grief
Some of the five stages you will have to go through:
- Disbelief. When a mother leaves the world, her child, regardless of age, does not believe what happened. It seems that all this is a dream, my mother just left the house and will return soon. Even on the day of the funeral, standing in front of an unearthed grave, a person refuses to believe what happened. It feels like everything that’s happening is a bad dream.
- Addiction. Time passes after my mother's death. The one who lost her begins to slowly get used to his mother’s absence. But the awareness of death never appeared; out of habit, my hand reaches for the phone to call my mother. I want to share something with her, talk, come visit (if living separately). And then, the person remembers that there is no one else to go to, no one to talk to, since his mother is no longer there.
- Humility. Gradually, the orphan begins to come to terms with the death of his mother and realize the loss. And then, along with pain and bitterness, a feeling of guilt comes.
One of the most difficult periods is self-reproach, guilt before the deceased mother.
Bitter loss
Nothing can prepare a person for this terrible loss. Over the years, you may have many friends who have also lost their mothers. You will be sad for them, and they will be sad for you, because you all have one thing in common: you do not know how to come to terms with the death of your mother.
It doesn't matter what exactly is written in this article. Unless you have lost your mother, you will not fully understand the depth of grief. Pain hurts deeply and it hits you at random moments. One minute you'll be fine, and the next you'll be curled up on your bedroom floor in incredible mental pain. If you've lost your mother, you're probably sitting there nodding your head in agreement. And you still haven’t figured out how to survive your mother’s death.
Feelings of guilt - justified or not
The mother died, but her child remained and cultivated a feeling of guilt. It seems to him that during the life of the parent the child did not show due care and respect. Somewhere, an orphan could offend his mother with a harsh word, forgetting to call or visit once again - this eternal lack of time. In general, he lived his own life, and my mother remained on the sidelines. A person, thinking about this, gnaws at himself, his sense of guilt grows every day.
Stop! If you continue like this, you can go crazy, in the literal sense of the word. All adult children, sooner or later, are separated from their parents. This is natural; a person creates his own family, which requires attention. And this does not mean that the parents are deprived of the attention of their son or daughter, it’s just that the child has become an adult.
As for harsh and rude phrases, there is no person who has never been insolent to their parents. Even the most well-mannered child, growing up, begins to defend his point of view and is capable of hurting his mother’s feelings with a careless statement. No wonder there is an expression - a conflict of generations. It is inevitable, especially in the child’s adolescence. But what can I say when adult children sometimes say harsh words out of resentment or in a fit of anger.
Everyone goes through this. Cultivating a sense of guilt in oneself is a thankless task: after all, the mother no longer cares, and the orphaned person only becomes more upset, which can lead to health problems.
How to come to terms with your mother's death and not become a hostage to memories
Mom died, the familiar world collapsed. In the case of living together, it is impossible to stay in the apartment where the mother recently walked. At night her steps can be heard, sometimes it seems that the mother is calling her orphaned child. The orphan constantly thinks about her, remembers everything, down to the smallest detail, starting from childhood. At some point, the realization comes that you can no longer live like this, but the memories haunt you.
The best way to get rid of obsessive thoughts is prayer. If a person is Orthodox, reading the Psalter about the repose of the deceased is mandatory. This is a huge spiritual help to mother’s soul and a distraction from her own, obsessive thoughts and memories.
A change of scenery will help you avoid becoming a hostage to memories. If you have the opportunity to leave the apartment where your mother lived, you should take it.
As for coming to terms with death, it will never come fully. The pain dulls over time, but does not go away completely. The most difficult period is the first year, when the pain is especially severe. Further - it’s easier, she begins to slowly retreat. This is comparable to a dying fire: even if there are only coals left, just one spark is enough for the fire to flare up again.
Renaissance
After the death of a mother or another loved one, in any case, the next stage begins - rebirth: an understanding of the need to accept new conditions comes, the survivor withdraws into himself, becomes silent, uncommunicative, and always seems to be analyzing something. This period is perhaps the longest; it can last up to several years.
At the last, 7th stage, a person changes, all stages of grief have been passed, life has become different, reached a new level. Many people strive to find new friends, supporters, and a change of environment. Some move to another city, change jobs, so that nothing returns to the past. A person understands that life goes on, he begins to realize that for his mother, death was liberation, and then he no longer worries about her, but about the fact that she is not with him.
But it doesn’t always go through 7 stages; sometimes a person remains at the stage of depression, fixed on his tragedy. A sign of depression after a loss is apathy: everything is painted in black, interest in life disappears, a person does not return from the past, he remembers the departed, communicates with him in his thoughts, there may be sleep disturbances or insomnia, mechanical absorption of food or refusal of it, melancholy , anxiety, feeling of hopelessness, desire to die. If there are at least 3 of these symptoms and it has lasted for more than 3-6 months, a diagnosis of depression is made. Depression after death is more severe when a person has witnessed the sudden death of a loved one.
Depression no longer goes away with the usual crying of tears; a person may not remember the reasons for his condition, everything becomes so hopeless for him. In a normal situation, when a person is still in grief, he can allow moments of joy, but with depression this is not the case; melancholy and despair are constant. With depression, there is a constant feeling of guilt, thinking and motor skills are inhibited, speech is slow, there may be hallucinations, apathy, indifference to the environment, even to the dirt in the house, inactivity, and constipation develops. Tearfulness and anticipation of problems and troubles are often added.
In such cases, they turn to a psychologist and psychiatrist. Psychotherapy is often effective and helps to get out of the situation after the death of loved ones. How can a psychotherapist help you? To be there in moments of worry, to help you go through all the stages, to restore strength after loss, to maintain mental health and to prevent the consequences of grief.
How to live if a loved one has died: advice from psychologists
When a mother passes away, it is very difficult for the orphaned person. Here's what psychologists say about this:
Be sure to speak out. Accumulating pain and remaining silent is the worst thing a person can do. What is left unspoken accumulates, resulting in an emotional explosion that, at best, can lead to a nervous breakdown. At worst, treatment in a psychiatric clinic.
Talking about what happened, within reasonable limits, allows you to cope with pain faster.
Release the deceased. After the death of his mother, the orphan is consumed by guilt. Much was left unsaid; mother was not given as much love and tenderness as she would have liked. Painful memories, self-flagellation, regular trips to the cemetery and watering the grave with tears begin. Only this does not make it any easier for anyone, the deceased has no need for such manifestations of feelings, and her child is depriving himself of moral and physical health.
Sometimes you just need to let go of a deceased loved one. Mentally thank him for all the good things that happened, and accept the fact of death, no matter how hard it is. Say to yourself mentally: “my mother died, but I continue to live on.” For her memory." Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting and not worrying, you just shouldn’t torture yourself.
For prolonged depression (more than six months), you need to consult a psychologist for help. People cannot always cope with grief on their own; they should not be embarrassed to ask for help. The longer this is delayed, the worse it is for the grieving person.
No matter how it sounds, your own life does not end with the death of your mother. And it’s worth thinking about how your son or daughter will live it: savoring their grief or enjoying every day.
Advice from psychologists
I can’t get over my mother’s death: what should I do? Not everyone finds the strength to overcome the pain of loss on their own . Advice from psychologists helps you cope with your worries and move on with your life.
Is it possible to survive the death of a child and how to do it? Find out about this from our article.
What to do?
Many adults find themselves in a complete stupor when they learn about the death of their mother.
Often close people and friends try to protect her children from deciding all organizational issues.
This position is wrong . At the moment of bereavement, it is activity that helps you not to dwell on your grief and to be distracted.
Therefore, initially you should load yourself with solving issues related to organizing the funeral. After this, you can deal with hereditary problems, disassembling things, etc. All this will help occupy your thoughts.
For some people, preserving the atmosphere that existed when their mother was alive helps them cope with pain. In her house or room, all things remain in their places.
Someone, on the contrary, decides to get rid of any reminders of the loss . This is not a manifestation of ingratitude, but only an attempt to reduce the significance of the loss.
How to cope with loss?
To accept the loss and come to terms with it, you need to understand the following points:
- Each person's pain is unique , so you should not look for universal recipes for getting rid of suffering and listen to the advice of other people. You need to develop your own line of thinking and behavior that will bring tangible relief.
- You should not expect that everything will change within a certain period of time. For some, the feelings subside after a month, for others after two years. It's important to give yourself as much time as you need.
- There is no need to try to replace your mother with other people . Her place will forever remain empty and this is a fact that cannot be disputed. Children, spouse, friends will help you move on and find meaning for existence, but they will not replace your mother.
- You should not be afraid for your state of mind if you periodically feel the presence of the deceased nearby. It may seem that her voice is heard, her silhouette is seen, her smell is felt. This is normal and will subside over time.
- If you can’t cope on your own, you should find a good specialist. It will help you cope with this difficult stage of life and get out of depression.
- You can't give up, no matter how bad it gets. Even the most severe pain goes away sooner or later.
The thought that life has no meaning is cowardice. It is the ability to withstand any difficult situation and find the strength to move on that demonstrates a person’s will. It is important not to forget about the sense of duty. There are almost always people or even animals worth living for. - Don't hold back your tears . Tears help to throw out accumulated emotions and get some relief. Both men and women at any age have every right to cry out their grief.
- Need to believe . You don't have to be a religious person to believe in the existence of another world. None of us knows where people end up after death. Perhaps they really see us and protect us from all adversity. The death of a mother does not mean a loss of contact with her. This connection lasts forever.
- You need to remember your responsibility to your mother . For any woman, the main meaning of life lies in her children. She dreams that they will always be healthy and happy. For the sake of my mother’s memory, it is important to learn to live again: to enjoy every day, to move towards my goals, to raise my children.
How to let go?
Usually, it is possible to let go of a person only after going through all the above stages of grief.
If the pain of loss still does not leave due to obsessive thoughts that haunt you, you can go to the cemetery and talk with the deceased. Often this helps free the soul from worries.
Psychologists also recommend writing letters to the deceased. In them you can not only remember the past, but also talk about your present. This will create the illusion of communication and help cope with the feeling of loss.
How to deal with feelings of guilt?
I blame myself for my mother’s death: what should I do?
Often people build a cause-and-effect relationship between an event that happened and their own actions or inactions.
For example, a mother dies while she is home alone.
The son blames himself for the rest of his life for the fact that he could have changed the situation if his mother had lived with him. This is an absolutely wrong position , since we cannot influence all the many factors that make up our destiny.
In addition to the factor of loneliness in the apartment, other aspects were also present in this situation: old age, heart problems, etc.
No one can foresee, calculate, predict, evaluate all those numerous nuances that ultimately lead to the death of a loved one.
The issue of death is within the purview of God. to change the fate destined for someone from above. Accordingly, there is no point in blaming yourself.
How to ask for forgiveness?
Often negative thoughts about the lack of attention to the mother during life, about the bad attitude towards her, about offensive words addressed to her do not allow one to live in peace . There is a desire to go back to the past and ask for forgiveness.
But this is impossible to do. But you can come to the grave and talk about everything that worries you. It wouldn’t hurt to go to church and talk to the priest.
Another way to ease the soul is to talk to the deceased before going to bed . Perhaps she will come in a dream and give a sign that all grievances have been forgotten.
Pay attention to your physical condition
Simple advice to those whose mother has died: listen to yourself. Instead of delving into suffering, it is better to think about your own health.
Some begin to drown their grief in alcohol, others refuse to eat, and others become addicted to energy drinks. A month of living like this is enough to significantly undermine your health.
First of all, you should refrain from drinking alcohol after the death of your mother. Mom passed away, but would she want her son or daughter to destroy themselves through the green snake? The answer is obvious, a mother did not give birth to her children so that they would drown their grief in wine.
Excessive consumption of energy drinks will lead to heart problems and sleep disturbances. The person becomes irritable, aggressive, and nightmares are possible. In rare cases, it comes to visual hallucinations. But does a healthy, perhaps married, person need it... Hardly.
The gym is a very good distraction from sad thoughts. If the orphan has never been there, now is the time to sign up for classes. A person will maintain not only physical, but also moral condition through exercise.
Poems in memory of mother from daughter
I wish I could bring my mother back for a moment, Say everything that I didn’t have time to tell her, Hug as tenderly as before - tenderly And stroke her shoulders, kiss her hands... And tell me how much I miss, And ask for forgiveness for everything... Sit cuddled up, not letting go of your hands And talk, and tell her about everything... After all, I know that my mother will never be able to enter the apartment door, She won’t kiss, she won’t press her like before, She won’t ask how I’m doing now... Mommy, dear, dear All that’s left is the memory of you, And the pain that hits and time didn’t save... I miss you very much, Mom, I miss you so much that it’s hard to tell, How much I want you to be near. But there is no way, there is no way back. Mommy, dear, dear... Where should I put my pain... My soul screams inside, I will always miss you...
***
I miss you, mom... The wounds are still fresh in my heart, And the pain of loss has not gone away, I miss you, mom, I want you to be alive. There is not a day that I don’t remember, I can’t come to you, The apartment there is empty, And there’s a portrait hanging on the wall. I know you're not dead. You are always somewhere nearby. It hurts, my soul screams, I don’t see you. Where are you mom?!! I call you like I did when I was a child, But you can’t hear me anymore, How I miss you, I feel very bad... Mom, can you hear?!!
***
MOMMY, how bad it is without you, How sometimes I miss you, I raise my gaze to heaven, But, LORD, your gaze does not send. I ask HIM, just once, Let me, MOTHER, see a living face, But from heaven there is only a drop of rain, Whispers quietly, MOTHER sees you...
***
You know, MOM, life has stopped, Since you left, it hasn’t moved forward, And maybe I would have learned to live differently, But only my heart shrinks and burns from the inside. Tell me, MOM, why did this happen? After all, we didn’t expect you to leave at all. And there is no joy... everything has changed so much, Sometimes you can’t even sleep from the pain. Forgive me, MOM, that sometimes I was angry, Oh, if I knew that you don’t live forever, I would pray for you day and night, WHAT A PITY IT IS THAT YOU WILL NOT COME BACK...
***
I’m sitting on a stone... and fingering Daisies in weak, trembling hands... I come here and I know for sure... That you are now... already in heaven... I couldn’t understand and calm down... I didn’t have time to say much... No... I didn’t come to bother you... I... I miss you again... Forgive me... as soon as a mother forgives... For the rarity of meetings... for harsh words... For... that my daughter only promises... But she forgets... barely closing the door... Please... forgive me... for indifference... And there is no point blaming being busy ... There are no matters so important... To take the place of a mother in life... Out of stupidity... out of youth... out of laziness... We forget those... who are quietly waiting... That we will come... and... on bended knees... We will hug the mother... and let the World... wait...
***
Mom never dies, She just stops being there... Sometimes I try to imagine.. As if she just lives far away... As if I could write her letters, Tell her... how much I love the dawn.. Just waiting for an answer is, alas, pointless.. Where mom is - letters no more... Mom never dies, She just stops being around... She accompanies you like an angel, and her love always lives...
***
MOTHER! How I miss you... My one and only, dear, unique... It’s so hard sometimes without your warmth, without kindness and quiet strength...
***
Mother! Eternal memory to you, You are gone, we parted with you forever. Mother! Again I shed tears in silence. I will never see you. Mother! How I want to cuddle up to you And feel the warmth of a hug. Mother! And in pain I scream again Mom! My heart stubbornly insists. Mother! I see your eyes in a dream and I don’t want to greet the morning. Mother! I’ll whisper again in silence Mom! I want to repeat it again. Mother! Your peace is our eternal pain Again I shed tears in silence. Mother! You left, we broke up with you, Mom! Eternal memory to you...
***
You're far away...Gone suddenly... To where the world is completely different... To where it's cold and chilly... Where eternity and peace await us... I don't believe... I'm crying and sad... I'm screaming... I'm calling... don't go... And in the silence I whisper to Him: - Give me back , please... come back... You are far away... but you are close, I feel your warmth... It’s as if I whispered tenderly: “Everything will be fine, daughter.” You are far away... but I know that you are always in my house... And again I meet your gaze, I see my family’s eyes. Forgive me... for those minutes that I didn’t spend with you... For the partings... for the separations, For the crazy world of someone else. You wait for me... not very soon... Although Fate is not under our control, Everything will stop one day... We will be together... forever.
Today my mother fell asleep forever, leaving my transparent eyes here. I don’t have the strength to believe that this happens, Today my mother died... Forgive my blind weakness, Forgive me for not knowing shame, When you reproached me for trifles. I'm sorry I screamed when you picked me up. Like now, I will remember all those days. How sweetly smiling you stood by the window, How I ran from school in shoes and bows, How you always waited for me alone. I will remember how I fell, playing, and with a loud cry I called to you. I remember how you laughed at me. Oh mom, how beautiful you were. There is a lot of room in your huge heart, And there was no more room in it than for the three of us. I won’t forget how you scolded me strictly, I won’t forget how ashamed I was of my words. In the rain and snow I will come to your grave and I will kneel at your feet. And even though they have long forgotten you, I will remember you and me for the two of us, I will sacredly believe in your soul, It always watches over me from heaven. I ask you again for all forgiveness. I know, mom, you are with me, I know, mom, that you exist.
***
I want to stay close to you, snuggle closely to your chest. Well, why did I used to think it was so much more fun to be with friends?
Friends disappeared as if they had never happened, and the love of the past years also flew away. As long as you don’t forget me, There is no stronger love than a mother’s.
I have told you more than once how sorry I am for the days long past. I caused so much harm and pain and I did not appreciate your love.
But now you and I are together with God. He opened my eyes and made me understand that no matter how many good friends there are, only my mother is dearer than anyone in the world.
I don’t know how many days God has planned for me, But no matter how long I have left to live, I will love you more than anyone else in this world, Mommy.
***
Unshed tears burn my eyes, When I stand at your grave, When sadness and longing torment my soul, You hear me, mother, I whisper quietly.
How I want to hear your voice again, to come up to you and ask for forgiveness. But I know that it’s too late and that it’s not possible, That time can’t be turned back.
Out of childish naivety, the feeling that you don’t love me deeply arose in my heart. Your severity sometimes seemed cruel to me, And your love was inaccessible, like the moon in the sky.
Only now, when children, growing up, grow up and sleepless nights often ask to come into the house, Only now do I understand, too late, I know why your cheeks turned silver with rain.
***
Without you, the planet melted, the Earth swayed beneath me. You are not here now, but where, where are you, my beloved Mommy. My throat is constricted from love, the air is compressed - don’t leave me. How you lived sadly and proudly, Mom, my brave mother! The birds are crying on the frozen branches, The century is crying, the bells are ringing. Mom flies away - higher, higher, my light and kind. I will put it together for you In two tears, and praying to the Lord, I live and die with you, my beautiful Mommy. Do you see the light above our roof, Do you remember how we walked - a chalk blizzard? You will hear me through my mortal groan, Mommy, my immortal!
***
I really want to find a place on Earth, Where there is no pain. So that I can come there and warm myself with tender love. So that there is no meanness there And there is no betrayal either... Kindness, so that a temple is built, So that I become younger... This place is like Paradise for the soul And thoughts rush to it... Where is such a corner, tell me, Where is the oasis of warmth in our lives? This place has been there since birth, I’ve always been my favorite there. The kindness and warmth in him cannot be counted... It's just... THE EYES OF MY MOTHER.
***
Mom, dear, dear... I haven’t said it for a long time... You are next to me, I know And I love you in my soul! You are in my heart forever, Not someone else's, but mine! I will light a candle in the church “You forgive me for everything” I know that you are protecting, protecting, taking care of “Mom, dear, you know, and today it’s raining again...” I know the rain will end, you will smile with the sun “Mom, dear, am I dreaming?” Or are these just dreams? Someday you will return here in a new look And suddenly you will look around in the crowd and ask, “Daughter!?” I will say - “Yes!”
How to help someone cope with the death of their mother
Someone simply needs help, because a person cannot cope on his own with the death of such a close and dear person. And others do not want to see anyone, preferring to experience what happened alone.
A person who decides to support an orphan should know the following:
- Willingness to listen is not an imposition. It is necessary to be close, but not try to force a person to have a frank conversation if he does not want it.
- In moments of grief, people become very emotional. An orphaned person can be hurt by the most innocent word, to which he would not have paid attention before. You should be careful in your statements.
If a person whose mother has died becomes increasingly emotional, he should hint at a visit to a psychologist or a trip to church. This is done gently and tactfully, without pressing on the orphaned person. In theory this is easy to maintain, but in practice it is quite different. A person is not always willing and ready to accept support.
Analysis of the mourner's behavior
Grief is not a way of life, but a process. If it turns from ordinary grief into a complication, you should sound the alarm.
The four stages of normal, uncomplicated grief look like this:
- The presence of dynamics of the human condition.
- Periodic retreat from painful reality.
- Six months after the death of the mother, the grieving person begins to show the first positive emotions.
- The phase of acute grief is replaced by a return to a full life.
If six months pass and there is no dynamics, this indicates complicated grief. There is such an expression as “frozen in grief.” A person begins to think that he cannot be happy, thus he betrays the memory of his mother. It’s even worse if the orphan says that his life is over, stops caring about his appearance, and neglects his home. In this case, you need to seek professional help.
Help your child cope with loss
It is especially difficult for a young child to cope with the death of a loved one. In the absence of the right explanations and support, this can lead to depression and leave a mark for life. To help a child survive the death of a loved one, you should definitely contact a good psychologist who can help the child go through the pain correctly and return to normal life.
It is difficult for a child to cope with the death of a loved one
Often, adults do not know how to properly cope with stress for a child after the death of a relative. It is necessary to tell the truth, and it is important to do it in a timely manner - this will help you cope with stress faster. Because the baby sees that something happened, so there is no point in hiding it, it will only make the situation worse. If you tell him later, he won't have the opportunity to go through the stages of experiencing death with everyone else. This will be more difficult not only for the child, but also for the people who care for him. Therefore, you need to tell your child the truth.
If the child is faced with such a situation for the first time, then the funeral ritual will be incomprehensible to him, which means that you need to honestly tell him about everything.
There is no clear answer to the question of whether it is worth taking a child to a funeral. Some take very small children with them, and some do not even want to take adult children. However, if a child asks to take him with you, then it is recommended to listen to him, because this is the only opportunity to see a loved one who has passed away.
When experiencing grief, a baby may cry a lot, be sad, and depressed. Psychologists advise to treat this with understanding. But, if a child laughs loudly during the funeral process, you cannot scold him, because kids are always drawn to something bright and joyful, and you cannot take it away from them.
