My husband loves someone else: how to endure the unbearable? Maybe you need to fight or just let your husband love someone else...

How should a woman behave if her husband has found someone else?
Unfortunately, many representatives of the fairer sex are faced with such a situation - the appearance of another woman with their husband. There is no need to “place” all the blame on men. It’s worth thinking: perhaps they are missing something in the family. Maybe it would be better to change something in your behavior. Often the responsibility lies with both spouses. From this article you will learn:

• Why can a husband find someone else?
• How to resolve conflicts so that your husband doesn’t find someone else
• As usual, women experience the situation if the husband has found someone else
• How to survive the situation if your husband found someone else and left the family

In what case can a husband find another woman and leave the family?

The main reasons why a husband looks “to the left”:

1. Tired of everyday life.
   The wife believes that the stamp in her passport gives her the right to forget about her appearance and stop taking care of herself.
2. She avoids sex.
   Many women forget that a husband needs love and attention. My wife always has a headache, or she’s tired, or she doesn’t have time, or there are other reasons. If there is not enough affection at home, he will go looking for it somewhere.
3. The wife often finds fault with her husband and creates scandals.
   A man stays longer and longer at work, he knows that hysterics, showdowns, and suspicions await him at home. His life partner is no longer happy with him, she is always gloomy and grumpy.
4. Pestering.
   At first, a man, of course, is pleased and flattered that a woman “looks” into his mouth, follows him everywhere, imposes her company on him, even when he wants to be alone. The husband feels like a king, because all his wishes are fulfilled. Then he “suddenly” notices that there is absolutely nothing to talk about with his wife, because she is not interested in anything, does not go anywhere, does not strive for anything. She no longer interests him either as a person or as a woman, but only annoys him. And she doesn’t even know that she herself doesn’t seem to exist.
5. The wife treats her husband as if he belongs to her.
   Many women “appropriate” a man for themselves, they decide everything for him: what he should eat, what he should wear, who he should communicate with. And they believe that this is how they take care of him. A husband is not a dog, nor is he a child. He wants to feel important, significant, strong. If a man does not feel respected and does not find support at home, he will go looking for it on the side.

Why is this happening

A woman is a bad housewife, there are mountains of dirty dishes at home - no wonder a man is looking for someone else

A man admitted that he loves someone else - your world has completely turned upside down, especially if you had no idea about anything. But why did this happen, what influenced this event?

You must understand that a person who is satisfied with everything in the family, a healthy atmosphere, sufficient intimate life, peace and comfort, will not pay attention to other women, will not seek meetings with them.

It’s one thing when a relationship arises for pleasure and to satisfy some ambitions, it’s quite another when true love is born on the side. There are completely different reasons here.

1. A man is dissatisfied with the way his wife looks. Her appearance lowers his own self-esteem. The husband wants to see a woman next to him, at the sight of whom everyone will begin to envy him. Sometimes girls, after getting married, stop taking care of themselves, they can suddenly gain extra pounds, walk around the house with an unwashed hair, and it is unclear how they dress. A man is ashamed to appear in public with such a wife, so he begins to look for an attractive person in his environment.
2. A woman's inability to manage a household. A man is annoyed when the house is a mess, mountains of unwashed dishes, dirty floors, and his wife doesn’t know how to cook deliciously. He is looking for a good housewife.
3. A problem of a material or everyday nature. A man tends to spend less time at home, especially if he is forced to live with other relatives.
4. Problems in your sex life. A man will begin to look for a partner who will completely satisfy him if his wife often denies him intimacy. Over time, his attachment to his mistress can become very strong and develop into love.

How to resolve conflicts so that your husband doesn’t find someone else

In any family, conflicts sometimes arise. After all, husband and wife were raised by parents with different worldviews and ways of life. And each spouse has his own opinion on everything: about raising children, about the family budget, about how to spend free time and who should do what around the house. But this does not mean that divorce is the only way out of the situation. It is necessary to find a way of a truce in which none of the partners will have any resentment.

You need to quarrel and make peace correctly. Here are ways to deal with conflicts that can destroy relationships.

1. Expressing accusations and criticism.

For many couples, it sometimes happens that one of the spouses, for example, the wife, accumulates his grievances and discontent for a long time, and then throws it all out on the other. In this case, rude expressions and a raised tone are often used. Therefore, it seems to her husband that she is dissatisfied with him, and not with the specific situation.

In a normal and healthy relationship, spouses do not accumulate dissatisfaction and any unresolved issues. As a rule, they talk about what worries them at the moment. And they communicate in a calm tone and with respect for the partner, using wording that does not affect his personal qualities. For example, “I came in from the cold, and you didn’t even make me hot tea, so I decided that you don’t care about me.” That is, it would be more correct to say about your reaction to his specific action.

The wife's aggressive attacks further inflame the situation. She cannot stop and summarizes all the situations over the past six months at once, while blaming her husband for everything: “I knew that you would do everything badly, as always. You're no use." If at first the husband calms her down, then he will quickly get tired of it. He will feel wounded, unnecessary, and as a defense he will criticize and blame his wife. As a result, the conflict only gets worse.

The most destructive emotions for relationships are such emotions as contempt, arrogance, rudeness, cruelty and many others. Various kinds of ridicule and addresses in a malicious tone insult and humiliate the partner. And the use of expressions like “degenerating housewife”, “idiot”, “you are a complete zero” can destroy any feelings. It is worth considering that it is not only words that affect a person, but also facial expressions and gestures. For example, it greatly hurts that a partner waved his hand and turned away, or squinted his eyes and twisted his mouth and twirled his finger at his temple.

Solution: you need to talk without insults.

Each couple has its own selection of offensive statements: “you only think about yourself”, “you don’t care about me”, “you’re worthless”, “you forgot about me”, “you don’t know how to fry cutlets like my mother” , “the children are unlucky with their mother”, “you are not interested in anything, just to lie on the sofa”, “others over there give flowers, but you...”.

What if you try to talk without emotions and criticism? Verbal skirmishes can continue for a long time and it is unknown what they will lead to. Meanwhile, the cause of the disagreement needs to be established.

To do this, you need to remember that there is a specific problem, and in order to discuss it, you will have to control your unwanted impulses to say rude things.

In a conversation, you need to correctly and clearly formulate your thoughts, make a list of what actions of your husband offend you. After all, he may not even know about it. Accusations and angry shouts will only complicate and escalate the conflict. The husband may respond with offensive hints and reproaches, an open expression of dissatisfaction, or simply withdraw and completely stop talking to his wife.

2. Not a word in a day.

In many families, the husband gets tired of nervous arguments with his wife. And after numerous attempts to defeat her with retaliatory attacks, he saves himself in silence. From the outside it even seems that the man completely ignores his wife and remains calm. But this is not true at all. In fact, it is slowly boiling inside. The wife tries to talk to her husband, then attacks him with more intense anger. And the apparent calm ends in an emotional explosion.

Sometimes it happens the other way around - a woman is saved by silence. But grievances accumulate, and after a while the cup of patience becomes full. And again it all ends in a quarrel.

Development options

A man can maintain relationships with both women up to a certain point

If a man has a new love, then there may be three ways to develop the relationship.

1. For a long time he lives in two families. When feelings for another woman begin to prevail, he may leave his wife.
2. He will definitely choose another girl if there are no children in the family.
3. He will choose a wife and break off all relations with his mistress. He will remain unhappy, because the choice was dictated by certain life circumstances. But will he save his marriage if his wife finds out about everything?

Having learned that you have a rival, you can act according to one of three scenarios.

1. Kick out your husband and file for divorce.
2. A situation in which a man realizes his mistake, decides to break off relations with his mistress, wants to save his family, a woman can forgive her husband everything, pretend that nothing happened. However, it will be difficult for her not to think about male betrayal, and this will interfere with their future lives.
3. Third option. A man’s new feelings are very strong, but he maintains a relationship with his wife out of respect, gratitude for the years he has lived, for the children born. The wife does not want to make him unhappy by keeping him close to her. In an ideal situation, a woman lets her husband go, allows him to start a new family, while remaining on friendly terms.

Try something different...

Nowadays it is fashionable to be charismatic, bright, joke and be a star. Try not to strive for this in certain situations when dating a man. Try to make men appear around you on the contrary. If you want to express yourself brightly, you can do it in acting classes, you can do it when meeting your girlfriends. Try not to do this with men and see the reaction. And the last recommendation. Try not to criticize, try not to tease the man, try to agree with him. Try to be interested in him.

Such a metaphor, if compared with the volume of music. Try making your sound quieter. Try to be calmer and quieter. And look at the man's reaction. Try this for a week. Look at the reaction of men, look at the reaction of your husband if you are in a relationship. Look at the reaction of the men around you. And I guarantee you that you will see that there will be a lot of discoveries for you. And yes, if you are bright and cool, what kind of men do you attract first? Those men who are looking for stars. But what is special about these men? When he gets enough of this star, he gets bored and looks for the next star. But you attracted him to the role of the star. Try something different.

Do you want to know what a man needs to make you happy? Sign up for a free online course Man: honest instructions

This temporary lull increasingly alienates the married couple from each other. When one spouse is silent all the time, the other thinks that he has become unpleasant to him.

Silence ruins relationships, because there is no way to come to an agreement, together to look for ways to peacefully resolve the conflict, to admit that you are wrong and to make concessions.

In most cases, divorces occur due to the fact that the husband and wife do not try to resolve differences and make peace, but rudely express their opinions and do not want to give in to their half. Usually a husband reacts to his wife's reproaches by stopping talking to her.

Solution: talk about your problems.

In many families, a woman immediately expresses dissatisfaction with something, most often emotionally and noisily. She can't keep negative emotions inside for long. And, as a rule, she turns to a man to clarify this problem.

Her husband perceives this as a desire to cause a scandal, and finds various ways to avoid a showdown. Perhaps the wife should talk more calmly about what worries her at the moment.

And the husband needs to try to treat her more tolerantly and remember that she is doing this out of love for him. If he avoids talking with his wife about problems, then all the unclear points will accumulate in the form of irritation, which will only increase the tension.

3. Evil thoughts.

The children ran noisily around the room and screamed, and Martin, their father, was already beginning to get angry. He asked Melanie with a grin, “Honey, do you think maybe they could do something else, something calmer and quieter?” But at the same time a thought slipped through his mind: “She allows them everything.”

His wife began to slowly lose patience. Melanie tensed, frowned and said in an icy voice: “These are children. They will soon calm down on their own and go to bed.” In fact, she thought, “He won’t please him, no matter what we do.”

Martin was already completely irritated. He loomed over Melanie with a menacing look, then said sarcastically through his teeth: “Since you can’t cope, maybe I should start tucking them in?” At the same time, he thought: “He doesn’t listen to me at all, he does what he wants.”

He frightened Melanie greatly, and she quickly replied, making excuses: “I just needed to clean the kitchen, I’m already going to put them away.” And at this time thoughts flashed: “He was very angry, now he will get it to the children, as always.”

Iron Beck founded cognitive therapy. He explains that usually, along with a voiced conversation, a silent conversation is also conducted in parallel. Typically, our subconscious produces “automatic thoughts,” which consist more of assumptions and intuitive tips. During a conversation, the interlocutors react to them. A split second later, more superficial thoughts come. People with different types of thinking create them differently. Melanie and Martin's disagreements, as well as emotional codependency, have a destructive effect on their relationship.

Melanie speaks to Martin against the backdrop of the thought: “He’s always dissatisfied with everything, but he takes it out on me.” And Martin’s behavior is controlled by a thought like: “She doesn’t respect me, she doesn’t take my opinion into account at all.” The model of their marriage is the relationship between a tyrant and a victim (in this conversation, Melanie is the victim, but most likely, later they will switch roles).

As a rule, each spouse establishes himself in his role as a sufferer or a tyrant and then seeks benefit in this position. From all the information about his partner, he chooses exactly the one that only confirms all his conclusions. The sufferer (Melanie) “snatches” her husband’s actions, which increasingly convince her that she is right, that she is unhappy. She does not notice any favorable actions of Martin towards her. Against this background, corresponding emotions are born.

Solution: let’s move away from the “I’m a loser” position.

Psychology specialist Martin Seligman conventionally divided people's way of thinking into optimistic and pessimistic.

With a pessimistic type of thinking, the partner always notes only everything negative in the other person and acts according to his template: “he always thinks only about himself,” “it’s his parents’ fault, they didn’t raise their son,” “he will never change.” A pessimist is fixated on shortcomings and believes that it is because of his spouse that he suffers.

However, often one of the spouses (usually the wife) has an optimistic mindset that is very different from the first. A person with such a point of view is characterized by thoughts like: “when we met, he was attentive to me,” “today he got up on the wrong foot, or had troubles at work, maybe something hurts?” And the wife patiently forgives everything, explaining her husband’s behavior by the current circumstances.

Spouses with a pessimistic type of thinking are characterized by emotional outbursts, their mood changes dramatically, they panic, experience severe anxiety, criticize and make claims to their loved ones. In addition, partners are constantly offended or irritated by the actions and words of the other half, to whom such behavior causes a lot of suffering and disappointment. During an “attack”, any little thing can serve as a reason for conflict. And, most likely, the other “half” will react to such an attack with another “silence”, because with other methods they will have to defend themselves again.

Recommended articles on this topic:

• Manipulation, worship and narcissism: how to live with a narcissistic man?
• Phrases for dating that will make a man ask you out on a date
• How often do men think about sex: details in numbers

4. When a person loses control over emotions.

Any emotion calls for action. Emotional intelligence is considered to be developed to the extent that a person can manage his emotions. As a rule, this is difficult. It is especially difficult for people living in marriage, as they have to interact and negotiate. Or simply act in your own way, without caring about the reaction of others.

Family conflicts are necessary for the development and maintenance of relationships. After all, in quarrels, spouses find out important issues: how much they need each other, whether their partner respects them, and whether they treat them like empty space. In addition, a truce after a quarrel can also tell a lot: for example, did the spouse find someone else on the side, or did he grow cold?

It is just very difficult to communicate with an emotionally unbalanced person. Each spouse must be able to pacify their anger, irritation, rage, jealousy and other destructive emotions.

As soon as a wave of anger hits one of the couple, he loses the thread of the conversation and the ability to adequately perceive the words of the interlocutor, as well as clearly formulate his thoughts. In such conditions, it is impossible to agree on something and make a decision that will suit both.

Solution: Don't add fuel to the fire.

Husband and wife can agree to ask for a break in case an emotional episode occurs.

If you need to continue negotiations, then in the midst of a nervous explosion (or better yet, at the first signs), it would be better for each of the spouses to go to another room. For about 30 minutes, you can do pleasant things that will help you calm down: drink tea, listen to music, walk, pedal on the exercise machine. If irritation remains, it can flare up again to a new explosion, so you should not neglect the time-out and it is better to spend as much time on it as necessary.

It is very useful to do some breathing exercises or art therapy during a break to relax. It is important to transform negative thoughts into positive ones.

But going over in your memory all the little details of a quarrel or actions of your husband (wife), inflating yourself even more, is very harmful. If each spouse treats their conversation consciously and responsibly, then they will be able to agree on something.

For example, a wife could make a list of all the positive and kind things her husband has done for her. It is important to take into account even the smallest and seemingly insignificant actions. And then, by re-reading them, she would help herself to establish the idea that he cares about her. You don’t want your husband to find someone else, do you? But often women stubbornly adhere to their usual line of behavior, and a man may get tired of this.

Does your ex love someone else?

Secondly, don't read too much into this situation. How do you know what kind of relationship they have? Maybe this was his first appropriate joke in the second hour of their walk? Or maybe this girl is just very frivolous and laughs at everything... Perhaps they will break up in a month (although no one guarantees this, you can’t argue with that). So you don’t need to immediately screw yourself up and think that your ex loves someone else, they are very good together and a wedding is already on the horizon. This may be very far from reality.

After a breakup, it always seems to us that while we are now experiencing it, our ex-partner is in some completely different and certainly happy reality. That after the breakup, he immediately developed a personal relationship, and his career took off, and he went to the seas to relax, while you spend tissues on your tears.

This is wrong. Of course, he can go to the seas, but he lives in exactly the same reality as you, and a little later you will understand this yourself. In that very reality in which nothing works out on its own or with the wave of a magic wand.

What to do if your husband finds someone else

It is important for husband and wife to develop together. If one of them drags the other along with him, or the spouses have completely different interests, then, most likely, such a marriage will fall apart. It's only a matter of time.

So, if your husband has found someone else, what should you do? Psychologist's advice:

What behavior is correct and what is not:

1. The most important thing is to behave and behave with dignity. Hysterics with wringing of hands and rolling of eyes, showdowns, jealousy will only push him away even more. You need to respect yourself.
2. Do you dream of catching him red-handed? If your husband finds out that you are going through his things and spying on him, your spouse's level of respect for you will drop through the roof.
3. All decisions must be made with a cool head. Therefore, the very first thing to do is cool down. And then give yourself more time than before: sign up for dancing, sew a new dress, change your hairstyle and perfume, visit concert halls, etc. My husband found someone else, but he won’t leave. This means that something is keeping him at home.
4. Talk to him only in a calm state and in a peaceful mood. Stormy negative emotions always prevent you from seeing what is important.
5. You shouldn't attribute to yourself something that doesn't exist. For example, those character traits, habits and actions that broke your relationship cannot evaporate in one day. If you think excess weight is to blame, then it's time to take care of yourself. And if your addiction to TV shows and telephone chatter is to blame, you will also have to struggle with this for some time. In any case, set yourself a goal to become better and look forward.
6. Then it is important to learn to accept people (most importantly, men) as they are. You shouldn’t try to change someone to your liking and force them into your own framework.

Working on yourself is a difficult, but very exciting and happy activity. You need to start by admitting that you were wrong, accepting and forgiving yourself and loving yourself. After all, if a breakup occurs with one person, it is quite possible that it will happen again. That is, if one husband found another on a business trip, then the next one will find another woman in the store. Therefore, you need to start with your attitude towards yourself.

Think about happiness in your personal life

Thirdly, there is no need to deny the possibility of personal happiness just for yourself. Most often, after you have met your ex with someone else, you begin to be overcome by thoughts that he has arranged his personal happiness, but you have not, and it is not known when you will arrange it. On the one hand, this is true - we never know when and how we will meet our soulmate.

On the other hand, one can hardly doubt that Fate will still provide you with a chance for happiness in your personal life. At the moment, your main task may be self-improvement. This is a very exciting process! And besides, you will experience a pleasant result in the form of increased self-esteem and the return of a good mood.

As usual, women experience the situation if the husband found someone else and left for her

According to research results, the most critical period for marriage is 5 years of family life. Only 40% of couples cross this threshold. And it is more difficult for a woman to survive a divorce. Why is that:

• A girl is already born with the goal of making a nest and having offspring. Keeping the fire burning, feeding, caring is also her role. And after a divorce, she often considers herself insolvent.
• For some reason, society has accepted the following clichés: a divorced man is free, but a divorced woman is lonely. A man easily moves into a new relationship or job. And the woman remembers that her husband left her and found someone else. In addition, few men want to raise and provide for other people's children.
• Taking care of the children is now entirely up to the mother.

Of course, this is not a formula for life at all. For example, a wife is so tired of such a strange relationship that the thought flashes through her mind: “I want my husband to find someone else.” It often happens that a woman lets go of her first spouse, both physically and psychologically, and starts everything from scratch, that is, she does not transfer problems from previous relationships to future ones in advance. And then, as a result, he receives a caring father for his children and a loving husband for himself.

1. Hit.

A woman falls out of reality, loses her bearings and does not understand what to do. There is one thought in my head: my husband has found another - how to survive? She doesn't seem to care. This period is dangerous because depression can begin - with pills, doctors, apathy. It may take months before the woman dares to acknowledge and accept what happened (no matter who wanted the divorce first), and to understand her mistakes. At this time, a change of environment and a new job helps many.

1. Depression.

During this period, quarrels, disagreements, and various unpleasant little things are remembered. I especially can’t get out of my head the day when my husband said that he had found someone else. And the woman transfers the accumulated irritation, anger and indignation onto him, her family, friends and herself for the fact that she will now raise the child alone.

1. Own worthlessness.

Often at this stage it seems that all is not lost, you can get your husband back. For example, imagine that these hurtful words and betrayals did not happen. And the woman torments herself with accusations of powerlessness and stupidity.

1. Reboot.

At this time, it is difficult to cope with your emotions and resentment. Many women need help from a psychiatrist and psychologist. They will help you cope with your worries and regain interest in life (first for the sake of the children, and then for yourself).

1. Forgiveness and acceptance.

After realizing that the husband found someone else and left the family, it is still difficult to accept it right away. Some women will need less time, some more, to get their second wind. And then today becomes the start to a wonderful future, and disappointment and resentment become inner strength.

Psychologists believe that a woman with two children will go through each of these stages before she can recover mentally after a divorce.

My husband found another one - what to do if you don’t want to live:

Women's advice from a psychologist

I give you a bouquet of advice and recommendations, “made up” of optimism and life’s meaning:

Advice first!

Let go. Even if you don’t forgive, let go. You know…. Men are sometimes “ships” that are eager to set sail.

Tip two!

Abstract yourself. There are billions of millions of ways of abstraction. The number is exaggerated, but the emotions in it are over the top. Let's go through ways to “calm down” your emotions a little.

You can, for example:

• Go to a club to unwind with your friends.

The effect is short-lived, but noticeable. Cinema, theater “visit”. Take with you those people who share your “passion” for this kind of art.

• Music is an option - what you need!

But listen to music that doesn’t “invoke” melancholy and sadness.

• Have an extreme, windy ride on a bicycle, on rides, on a motorcycle.

It doesn't really matter what it will be. Your main goal is to go into the “adrenaline world” for about thirty minutes.

Tip three!

Erase the traitor from your memory! File for divorce. It’s hard mentally but... If you don’t take such a step, you will cause yourself even greater pain. “Erasing” your man from memory will be incredibly slow, almost “motionless.” But you will pass this test. This will help you live with a bright future, and not with the suffering of the past.

Tip four!

Do not arrange any kind of showdown with the one to whom your betrothed “gave” his heart. You won't change anything for the better with these tricks. You don’t want to be hated by the one you love…. Don't provoke hatred.

Tip five!

Find all the most “malicious” flaws in your husband, who is now “enemy number one.” Imagine that flaws are a coloring book from your distant childhood. And “color” them in a way that is useful to you, that is, in a light that is favorable to you. If earlier, before such a situation arose, you considered him slightly selfish - “repaint” this flaw into super selfishness. In this way, work through all of his “imperfections” that you managed to notice during your communication, acquaintance, relationship and living with him.