A woman certainly wants to have a strong family, which is connected by relationships without fears and reproaches. However, such dreams do not always become reality. And then the thought arises of leaving her husband and starting a new life. At first it can even be scary. However, appearing more and more often, such a thought becomes more familiar, accompanying its owner literally all day long. But at the same time, a woman may hesitate to take such a step for a long time, feeling sorry for her husband. This makes her suffer even more. So how to leave your husband to start a new life?
Reasons for separation
A woman can only be happy in union with her beloved man. That is why representatives of the fairer sex, based on their age, social status and worldview, are looking for that life partner with whom they will be truly comfortable.
However, not every one of them manages to meet the ideal the first time. A woman falls in love with a man and recognizes him. But when she realizes that he is not at all the person she would like to see next to her, the moment of separation comes.
Why do wives leave their husbands? Among the main reasons, psychologists identify:
- Drunkenness, drug addiction. This is the most important reason leading to the breakdown of relationships. A man who drinks alcohol or drugs excessively eventually becomes indifferent to his family and has a short temper. He loses interest in life.
- Physical violence. Parting with such a man is the path to saving yourself and your children.
- Constant betrayals. There are women who turn a blind eye to the adventures of their husbands. They try to save the marriage at any cost. Those wives who cannot forgive infidelity break up with their significant other without any regret. Over time, you can hear from them: “I don’t love my husband.”
- Perception of a woman as a free application. This is also one of the reasons for separation. Over time, wives begin to understand that their husbands need them only to ensure their comfortable and cozy stay.
- Character differences. Women often leave men because they understand that their union has no future.
- Spouse's reluctance to have children. There are many reasons for this. But a woman who realizes that she is losing her last chance to have a child will certainly leave her husband forever.
- Lack of love. A woman should not try to feign passion. If she can say with confidence: “I don’t love my husband,” then she should decide to separate. Sooner or later, but it will be inevitable. The same can be said about the situation when a woman says: “I don’t want a husband.” Sharing a bed with such a person is not worth it.
- The husband's unwillingness to provide for the family. If the husband does not work and does not even try to start looking for a place to work, then the woman should not support him.
Preliminary actions8
Being in a family boat with a tyrant, a wife should carefully consider how to leave her husband. It is necessary to think through all the details in order to protect yourself and your children from the aggression of your spouse, who categorically does not agree to the divorce and threatens family members.
- It is important to carefully weigh and think about everything. First of all, decide on your future place of residence. It is easier to leave an abusive spouse than to kick him out of the house. Finding housing for yourself and your children is an important task.
- Enlist the support of some of your family and friends.
- Consult a lawyer about divorce and alimony. Collect and hide the necessary documents in advance: passport, make photocopies.
- In the case of a marriage with a despot, from whom leaving is problematic and difficult, it may be worth moving the necessary things to a new place of residence in advance. Upon learning of his wife's departure, an angry husband may deny access to personal belongings in order to manipulate her and the situation.
- There is no need to be afraid of outside help. If an abusive husband starts to let loose, then you need to immediately contact the police. Your own health and life are more important than far-fetched fears and complexes.
Why is it so difficult to break up?
How to leave your husband? After all, deciding to break up can sometimes be very difficult, especially if you have lived with a person under the same roof for many years. Psychologists identify several reasons why women are afraid of divorce:
- Material dependence. It is very difficult to start a new life when the apartment, car and much more are the property of the husband. Situations often arise when a woman simply has nowhere to go. That is why she continues to live with her unloved husband.
- Habit. Sometimes it is difficult for a woman to break up not because of love. She continues to be near an unloved man because of habit. An established life does not allow her to make fundamental changes in her life.
- Child. A woman wants her children to be raised in a complete family. However, this is not at all a reason to give up on your own life.
- Threats. Sometimes men intimidate their wives so that they do not leave them. The woman does not dare to ignore the threats because she fears for her life.
What to do?
How to leave your husband? The development of an action plan will depend on the circumstances that led to such a decision. Psychologists advise a woman to remember when the thought of leaving her husband first came to her. If such an idea arose in the heat of the moment, then you should just forget about it. After all, there are such emotional couples who are going to get divorced with enviable regularity. It happens that they still bring this matter to the end, but after a few months they get back together again.
Those women who have had such a thought ripening in their minds for a long time have to think differently. Most likely, it does not arise by chance, but due to a series of circumstances that do not suit them.
How to leave your husband? Psychologists advise women to think about their step literally down to the smallest detail before making a decision. In this case, you should only take into account your desires and feelings. In cases where a husband cheats, beats or humiliates, there is no point in justifying such a spouse. No man should allow himself to treat any woman like this. And even if he asks for forgiveness and repents of his actions, sooner or later this will definitely happen again.
A woman who has decided to break up must think about where she will go, what she will do and how she will organize her life.
When to get a divorce
We all have different worldviews. For many girls who at the age of 18 already dream of starting a family, marriage seems to be the most important event in life. Marriage for them is sacred, and it cannot be destroyed under any circumstances, even if objectively this is already a necessity. This point of view is naive. After all, sometimes the situation develops in such a way that the best way out is divorce. What are the reasons why you should leave your husband?
You can't mend a broken cup. This expression is by no means meaningless. From a psychological point of view, this means that the relationship has outlived its usefulness. When this happens, it is very difficult to help the couple. If you continue to live together, there will be more and more unpleasant emotions associated with your partner. Anger, mutual reproaches and resentments will ultimately destroy a marriage. By maintaining an inferior relationship and being afraid to leave, husband and wife miss the opportunity to be happy again.
We often make mistakes by drawing hasty conclusions about a person. We idealize him and our relationship, believing that we will live happily ever after and, of course, leave this world together. But in real life this doesn't happen. Over time, we realize that we were mistaken, and there is no desire to continue to support such an alliance. And even though you were once head over heels in love with your husband and considered yourself a wonderful couple, there may still come a moment when you realize that you are not soul mates at all. Unfortunately, it will not be possible to resume a successful relationship in this case. And this is one of the good reasons to leave your husband.
There is an opinion that a person does not change for the better. You may not agree with this, but life often proves that this is so. It is impossible to force your husband to become different. Moreover, many men do not like to be forced to change. Is your spouse not what you would like him to be? You have only two options: accept everything as it is or leave. By inaction, you doom both him and yourself to torment.
There are other situations that push people to break off relationships. However, the above reasons are a serious reason for separation, since further living together is hell for both. There are special signals by which a woman herself can understand that it is time to leave her husband.
You can find out what actions your husband should not turn a blind eye to in this video:
Conversation with my husband
And so the woman made a firm decision to separate from her husband. How can I tell my husband that I’m leaving so that he understands that this is not blackmail, not a whim or a cruel joke? Everything will depend on what result the fairer sex wants to get.
In order to part as friends, you will need to follow some recommendations from psychologists. They will allow you to solve the problem without scandals and continue normal relationships. What kind of advice are these:
- above all, remain calm;
- do not make mutual accusations and forget about past grievances;
- forgive your husband;
- conduct the conversation calmly;
- take care of your own safety.
It can be very difficult to follow these rules. It is especially difficult to do this when you have a long life together and your husband is not a bad person at all. That is why it is worth preparing for such a conversation in advance.
How to start a conversation about divorce, since breaking such news is quite difficult? Before talking, it is recommended to take a mild sedative. However, in this case, you should not abuse alcohol or use drugs. It is unlikely that such a step will be correct.
How to start a conversation about divorce? Psychologists do not recommend telling a man the whole truth, for example, that he is this and that, does not provide for his family, does not look after the children, smokes, drinks, hits, cheats and takes walks. Starting a conversation like this will lead to the woman hearing a lot of unpleasant things about herself. In addition, accusations against your spouse will cause him to become aggressive. And this will certainly lead to a waste of unnecessary nerves, deterioration of health, etc.
How do wives leave their husbands? A woman should prepare her speech in advance. You need to start with the following: choosing the right moment, tell your husband that they are different people, and their future paths in life diverge. Of course, many things may not go according to plan. However, the woman will know what to talk about and will not remain silent in response to her husband’s reproaches. And to do this, she should answer the following questions for herself, which will certainly come up in the conversation:
- Decision time. You need to understand that the thought of divorce is not at all accidental. At the same time, you should not invent soap operas, but present your spouse only with dry facts and figures.
- Having a lover. Representatives of the stronger sex are especially humiliated by the presence of another man in the life of their woman. In order to avoid scenes of jealousy and mortal resentment, it is better not to talk about it. Otherwise, it will not be possible to avoid a scandal.
- Reason for divorce. In this case, you need to describe the problem that exists in the family.
This list can be continued indefinitely. A woman who has been married for quite a long period must herself understand what her husband may ask her. By preparing her answers in advance, she will be able to show more confidence in the conversation, avoiding weakness and tears.
Responsiveness
How to leave your husband painlessly? To do this, psychologists recommend learning to forgive. This is not easy to do. However, everything that was said and done in the past is where it should remain. Otherwise, instead of talking about divorce, it will turn out to be an ordinary scandal. Sometimes the consequences of such a drama are quite sad, from the hospital to the prison. This is why you should take care of your own safety. After all, she is above all.
How to leave a loving husband, because his response can manifest itself in the form of tears and prayers? However, if a woman has firmly decided to divorce, then she should not back down. After all, most likely, the man is simply blackmailing her, and you shouldn’t give in to something like that. But in any case, before starting a conversation, it is better to ask family or friends to be somewhere nearby, for example, in the next room or on the staircase. After all, a man in a state of passion is capable of aggression that could not be expected from him.
Think through all the details5
When thinking about divorce, a woman must carefully weigh and think about everything. Especially if the family has common children.
- It is advisable to write down all the positive and negative aspects of marriage. There is no need to hide or “brush up” anything. This list is necessary so that a woman can take a sober look at her family life from the outside.
- You need to talk to the children if they don’t blurt out to dad about “heart-to-heart conversations with their mother.” If we are talking about kids, then you shouldn’t traumatize their mental state ahead of time. Moreover, if the woman has not decided on the decision to divorce.
- Be sure to think through all the nuances: where to live, how to provide for yourself and your children, what kind of relationship to maintain with your ex-spouse after a divorce.
If there is a child in the family
A woman who has decided to leave her husband to start a new life must think through everything in advance. Especially if, after leaving her husband, she will be left without money. When deciding to divorce, the child should be informed about this. The woman will have to choose the right words for him in advance. This will allow the child to correctly assess the situation. Young children will miss their dad at first. And only with time will they calm down.
A child should not say anything negative about his father. And if in the future they want to communicate with each other, then there is no need to prevent this.
When leaving your husband, you should consider the issue of alimony in advance. A qualified lawyer can help with this. In addition, the spouses can draw up an agreement in which they will prescribe the order of communication between the children and the father, his participation in their upbringing, etc. And only in the case where the husband is not going to sign such a document will it be necessary to submit an application for alimony.
Sometimes it is difficult for a woman to decide on a divorce when she is pregnant or has a small child under one year old in her arms. In this situation, you need to have close people nearby who can provide the necessary help.
It is not easy to get a divorce even when the child has reached adolescence. The woman will have to tell him about the reasons for making such a decision, pointing out that it will be safer and better. The child will grow up and over time will be able to understand everything.
Sometimes children need the help of a psychologist. Sometimes only a specialist can eliminate mental problems that arise as a result of divorce.
However, you should not try to maintain the appearance of a family just for the sake of the children. After all, the time will come, and they, already grown up, will definitely ask their mother why she suffered for so many years. In the case when there is no love between mom and dad, there is no and cannot be an atmosphere of mutual trust and happiness. Adults in such families often create scandals that negatively affect the psyche of children. Boys and girls follow the example of their parents and carry their mistakes into their future lives.
Deciding to end the relationship on your own
Every woman must make her own decision about divorce. She can consult with friends, a psychologist, and relatives, but at the same time decide for herself what to do. Under no circumstances should you give in to pressure from relatives and friends and leave your husband only based on their assumptions. But you shouldn’t engage in self-deception either. For many unhappy wives, it is easier to close their eyes and endure the unpleasant and cruel reality than to change anything in their lives. Observing humiliation and disrespect from their spouse, they often reassure themselves with the following words:
- “I live with him and tolerate this, only for the sake of the children”
- “He will definitely change”
- “It’s my own fault that he does this to me.”
- “There’s nothing to worry about, everyone lives like this...”
If the husband is a tyrant
Love in family life plays an important role in creating relationships. But will there be a place for her if the husband periodically beats his wife? Having decided to leave the tyrant, a woman needs to take care in advance of the place where she will live. In this case, parents or friends can provide help. You can also rent an apartment in another city or region.
A crisis center would be a good option for a woman with a child. Its specialists will provide medical and psychological support, and will also be able to provide temporary housing.
Of course, the unknown is always scary. However, a woman must prove to herself that she is ready to decisively fight for her freedom.
How to leave a tyrant husband if he doesn’t let go? It is worth remembering that the longer a woman lives with such a spouse, the stronger her psychological dependence on him becomes. After all, constant attempts to please such a person, fulfilling all the requirements presented, will create self-doubt. That is why psychologists recommend not delaying making a decision and leaving the tyrant as soon as possible.
In this case, a woman should think about why she needs a man who constantly spoils her nerves. After this, you need to believe in yourself in order to become an individual again. A beautiful, intelligent and self-confident woman should not tolerate violence in any form, as well as bullying.
My husband is always angry with me
Hello, dear N.
Unfortunately, the situation you described is far from uncommon. Many married couples suffer from a lack of respect from one or both spouses.
It is very difficult to endure insults and mistrust. It is many times more difficult when it is not a stranger who insults, but the one who is called to be the closest and dearest, in whom we want to see a protector and support. You can ignore the insults of a stranger, understanding that this is his personal problem, and the problems of a spouse are always common to both.
I am very glad that you are striving to improve the relationship yourself and are not waiting for the other side to take the initiative. And the fact that you want to act wisely shows that you can change a lot for the better.
Of course, as in any case of family disharmony, it is best to consult a professional family counselor who can assess the situation on the spot and help you both. General advice from a distance, without knowing the whole picture, can be beneficial or harmful.
And knowing that the Torah actually commands a husband to respect his wife will not help you achieve family harmony, since it is unlikely that your husband treats you disrespectfully because he considers such behavior his sacred duty. But at least you can maintain your dignity, knowing that by showing patience, you are acting this way not because of a lack of choice, but for the sake of a higher goal - family well-being.
The sages of the Talmud recommended that the husband “love her (wife) as himself, and respect her more than himself.” Respect must be shown in business: the husband must speak softly to his wife, consult with her when making important decisions, be attentive to her needs, give her gifts, and beware of offending her. (Perhaps Jewish husbands were so valued in “that” world because they imbibed this behavior with their mother’s milk, watching their parents).
Not everyone, however, behaves according to the requirements of Halakha. The reason for this is uncorrected middots
(mental qualities), all kinds of complexes, bad example of parents or (in the worst case) real mental disorders.
What can you do? The very first thing is to pray for peace in the family. And also remind ourselves of the main purpose for which we all came into this world. The Vilna Gaon said that the goal of our entire life is to work on ourselves, correct and purify our soul. And all the conditions of our life, including the character of our spouse, are carefully verified and measured circumstances necessary for our own correction. Accordingly, the first and most important thing we can change is our attitude towards what is happening. By seeing everything that happens as a challenge that helps us grow, we get rid of anger and despair.
The next thing to remember is our role in marriage. The purpose of a woman is to be an ezer ke-negdo
, an assistant, (sometimes even) opposed to a man. In this, however, a woman’s capabilities are limited, because only a person himself is capable of truly changing himself. And the assistant can tell you the direction, hold you in some places, and push you in others, but no more. We cannot work “on our husband,” but only “together with our husband.” And it is very important not to cause harm.
And the third thing to remember is the purpose of marriage. Spouses must “grow together” and become one. Consequently, any problem is not a personal problem of one of them, but a common one. And you need to act accordingly, without losing sight of the whole and remembering that the problems of one spouse cannot be transferred to the other, because both will still suffer because of them.
Only by keeping all these goals in mind can you try to assess the situation and check how you can help your husband and yourself. There is not much that can be advised without knowing you and your husband. Use your intuition to understand which actions will help and which will hurt. Make a list of your husband's good qualities and focus on them. Learn to ignore his irritated tone and speak to him calmly and kindly. Greet him with a smile, even if you know that this will be followed by a new series of critical comments (not from your side, of course). Let him know that they are waiting for him at home and accept him for who he is. Don't forget to thank him warmly for any help; compliments do not always seem sincere, so say only what you are really convinced of and what can convince him. Consult with him more often (if it doesn't annoy him) and follow his advice whenever possible. And don’t forget to say: “I did as you said and it turned out very well. Thank you".
Try to find out what is not going well with him OUTSIDE the house. From your letter it can be understood that he also has conflicts with other people. Perhaps he suffers from a lack of respect at work and therefore believes that no one respects him (including you). Convince him that you are on his side, sympathize that no one understands what a wonderful person he is (here the list of his advantages that you compiled earlier may come in handy). Avoid situations that can provoke an outburst of anger, in no case “get wound up” yourself, but do not make superhuman efforts to appease him - if he has a need to throw out his anger at you, he will find something to complain about.
Try to talk frankly, ask what he would like to see you like, and try to match if possible. Ideally, your husband will react according to what was said: “Just as (a reflection) in water is face to face, so a person’s heart is to the heart of (another).” Perhaps, having realized that you are not his competitor and are not going to manipulate him, he will open his heart towards you and also begin to change. But don't count on it. Be realistic: no one can change a person unless he wants to. And even if he really wants to change, it will take time. Encourage any progress, even the smallest, if it doesn’t make him angry. But remember that you are dealing with an adult, not a child who needs to be raised.
If he makes obviously impossible demands on you and does not accept explanations, this may indicate a desire to justify his mistreatment of you. Remind yourself: no one in the world deserves to be bullied and humiliated by their spouse, even if the house is not clean and dinner is not ready. And, in general, do not allow any feelings of guilt, even if your husband accuses you of every conceivable sin. You only want the best for both him and yourself. Contrary to the popular belief that both are always to blame for family discord, there are situations that are beyond our power to correct. One spouse cannot be held responsible if the other suffers from mental disorders (God forbid!) or is pathologically unwilling to work on himself. And remember: in any case of aggression that goes beyond the norm, you should immediately seek professional help - such things do not go away on their own.
In your situation, communication with family, friends, etc. is especially necessary. But it happens that such “angry” husbands do not approve of their wives’ communication with other people. In this case, you should find an activity that can bring emotional release and maintain your peace of mind: reading, handicrafts, floriculture, etc. Prayer, reading Tehillim, turning to the Almighty in your own words can give you the feeling that your closest friend is next to you, understanding you and trying to help. You can turn to the Almighty in your heart while doing any housework (just not in the toilet). Remember: He loves you for who you are and He sends you trials to help you discover wonderful qualities in you that you may not have even known about. I wish you good luck with all my heart!
Sincerely, Miryam Klimovskaya
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If the husband is jealous
This feeling has destroyed many families. Pathological jealousy kills love, replacing it with hatred. It is not surprising that a woman can eventually say: “I don’t want a husband.”
Anyone who believes that her husband's jealousy has gone too far should not expect Desdemona's fate. If your husband is jealous for no reason, what should you do in this case? Don’t regret anything, don’t hold on to material wealth, but just leave before it’s too late.
The experience of those women who left their jealous spouses suggests that separation is not as scary as it seems at the beginning. You just need to “cut from the shoulder.” This will avoid possible violence and scandalous scenes. You shouldn't feel sorry for such a person. After all, it is unlikely that he experienced such a feeling, tormenting his wife for years. How can we talk about love if a woman cannot live even a day without a sedative?
Psychologists advise a jealous husband not to talk about his decision in advance. It is advisable to leave him quickly and without any warning.
If the husband is a drunkard
Alcoholism is a serious problem of our time. And if it has affected your family, then the careless husband, who from a charming and sweet young man has gradually turned into a degenerating person, should leave as soon as possible in order to start life from scratch. This will allow the woman to get a chance and find a man who will appreciate her.
How to leave a drinking husband? He needs to be informed of his decision clearly and clearly, indicating that no action is being taken on his part to improve the situation. A woman should be prepared for the fact that her husband will begin to beg and plead with her, promising to stop drinking. But you shouldn't believe this. After all, most likely, such a promise is far from the first.
You should not take gifts from this person and date him. If your ex-spouse constantly bothers you, then it is better to change your phone number and temporarily rent a house in another area.
If a woman is afraid that when a divorce is announced, her drunken husband will start causing trouble, then she should leave him while he is at work, leaving only a note.
If a woman still does not want to destroy her family, then, having left her alcoholic husband, she can watch him from the side. After all, you always want to hope that there is even a slim chance that he will come to his senses and recover from his addiction.
My husband doesn't stop drinking
Alcoholic drinks help the drinker to forget about problems and troubles for a while. Intoxication is replaced by a severe hangover, which is eliminated by a new portion of alcohol. This is how the binge begins, which can last for several weeks in a row. But this is only a physiological reason.
The main problem is that alcohol addiction always has a psychological background. As a rule, it is the psychological reasons that are most difficult to cope with. These include:
- problems with work and family;
- misunderstanding between loved ones;
- an environment that negatively influences the husband (in the circle of friends or colleagues there are alcoholics with authority in the eyes of the spouse);
- feeling of inferiority and lack of demand (in the family, at work);
- low self-esteem (alcohol is the only way to relax and accept yourself).
If these reasons are not eliminated, there is a high probability that the husband will return to his previous lifestyle. In order for a husband to stop drinking alcohol, it is necessary to show how important he is to his family and friends. Encourage treatment to begin as soon as possible. It is important for the wife to understand that no matter what the reasons for her husband’s alcoholism, it is impossible to eliminate psychological dependence without rehabilitation treatment. Unfortunately, once a craving for alcohol appears, a person cannot overcome it through willpower.
If the husband doesn't work
It is so customary in human society that the head of a family is its breadwinner. However, what if everything happens differently in life, and the husband only gets annoyed by a conversation whose topic concerns his employment?
A woman can only have one way out. She should invite him to look for a job or break up. It is worth keeping in mind that it is impossible to force a man to work who fundamentally does not want to do so. That is why in such a situation the last word remains with the woman. How to leave a husband who doesn't work? First of all, determine for yourself whether it is worth continuing to live with a spouse who does not want to take responsibility for the family and is not embarrassed to be a burden for it.
Let's start a new life
The most difficult period will be the first months after the breakup. It will take time to put things in order in your thoughts and get comfortable in your new place.
Psychologists give advice on how to start a new life for a woman after breaking up with her husband. If she has friends, hobbies and work, then she should literally throw herself into social or creative activities. You can go on a trip or engage in other activities.
It is more difficult to start from scratch for those women who previously had only one home. They are faced with the task of finding a business that generates income and becoming independent. There is no point in hoping that you will be able to get a well-paid, prestigious position with a long break in your work experience. You will have to start practically from scratch, but you shouldn’t give up even the smallest things at first. Still, it will be better than living with a man you don’t love.
A new job will allow you to make new friends, overcome depression and re-set all your life priorities.
Advice for wives of alcoholics
It is almost impossible to force your husband to stop drinking alcohol by force. It is necessary to help a drinking person find the desire and strength to fight alcoholism. There are some tips on how loved ones of a drinker should behave:
- show that the drinker will receive support and can count on them;
- try to arrange a common pastime without any drinking;
- assign some of the household chores to the drinker, it is important that he feels needed by the family;
- you cannot allow drinking buddies with whom your husband drinks into your house;
- You cannot have sexual intercourse with a drunk person;
- you need to remove all literature related to drinking from your home;
- It is strictly forbidden to drink alcohol with your husband;
- You shouldn’t hide alcohol from an alcoholic, he will still find it or buy a new bottle.
The spouse of the drinker needs to accept the fact that a loved one suffers from addiction and cannot cope with it himself. The fight against drunkenness is a persistent and long process. If you put pressure on a drinking person, he will simply withdraw into himself, perhaps he will try to hide his addiction more carefully, but he will not stop drinking.
Many sober alcoholics regret their addiction. But to get through a hangover, you need to have a lot of willpower. If during this period of time a person with addiction comes under psychological pressure from the family, he will fall into depression, and in order to drown it out, he will go and get drunk again. The best thing his loved ones can do is to convince him to go to a specialized clinic for rehabilitation.
