Your beloved father has died: how to survive grief and find the strength to live on?

Death and the pain of loss

The death of relatives sooner or later overtakes everyone. The funeral of my brother and grandmother is over. How to recover after terrible grief? You need to survive it: friends, relatives, colleagues should help. This is not easy, but it is necessary to understand what aspects of life are most interesting to a person who has felt the pain of losing a mother or husband. And plunge into them. If this is a child, then invest maximum effort in him, work in her, hobbies in his development, cat, dog in communication with pets. How to accept death? The main thing is to listen less to the advice of “pseudopsychologists” who do not understand anything, but are happy to give instructions on how to let go of the situation.

How does a child under five years old experience grief?

How does age affect the perception of losing a father? How a child accepts the loss depends on his age. How do children, schoolchildren and teenagers cope with grief? A child under 2 years of age is not able to understand that the irretrievable loss of one of the parents has occurred. But he can feel that his mother is in a bad mood, and the other residents of the apartment do not smile at him as before. Feeling this, the baby often begins to cry, scream and eat poorly. Physically, this can manifest itself as bad bowel movements and frequent urge to go to the toilet.

A child at the age of 2 realizes that parents can be called if they are not nearby. The concept of death is not conscious to him at this age. But the fact that he calls dad, but he doesn’t come, can cause him great anxiety. The mother should surround the baby with love and care, as well as provide him with proper nutrition and good sleep, then it will be easier for him to cope with the loss.

Children between the ages of 3 and 5 already take their parents' absence more seriously, so they need to very gently explain to them that their dad will no longer be with them. There is a high probability that such a child may develop fears and phobias, he will cry often, and there may be complaints of headaches or stomach pain. It is very important to communicate with the baby as much as possible, remember happy moments spent with dad, and look at photographs.

Stages of grief after bereavement

Conventionally, the first three stages of the stage, described below, last 4 months. They are accompanied by the pain of loss, severe psychological condition, stress, neurosis, and poor sleep.

Shock and numbness

The stage is characterized by non-acceptance of the existing situation. Physically, this is expressed in lack of appetite, loss of strength, and headaches. A person distances himself from the world around him.

Grieving

At this stage, a person understands that his loved one is no longer there, all people are dying. And this distant reality is frightening: he faces his feelings. They bring mental pain, psychological discomfort, and a sense of loss. The person understands that he is lonely. This causes fear.

Suffering, depression

Grief at this stage is felt especially acutely. A person begins to look for the reason why the death of a loved one affected only his family. Gradually, he begins to rethink his own life, look for himself, and let go of the deceased.

But this period is also characterized by the most severe suffering of the soul and pain. Thoughts flash through my head: heavy, frightening ones. The feeling of loneliness suffocates a person. He realizes the meaninglessness of life. In some cases, the deceased begins to be idealized. A person suffering from it feels an acute sense of helplessness, and in some cases, aggression. It is not aimed at a specific person, but is addressed to society, to happy and living people.

The memory of a relative about his deceased loved one helpfully emphasizes only the good moments in communication with him, erasing all the negativity. Often people realize that they did not understand how much communication with the deceased brought them joy, peace, tranquility and confidence in the future.

The stage also leaves its mark on professional activities. A grieving relative may find it difficult to concentrate on normal work responsibilities. Therefore, many psychologists recommend taking a vacation in order to survive this painful period.

In a state of acute grief, a person begins to identify himself with the deceased. Some begin to wear the deceased’s things and buy the same products as him. You need to go through all this in order to continue to feel the need for a happy life.

Acceptance and reorganization

At this stage comes the understanding that you need to move on with your life. Everyone has their own incentive. Some people cherish themselves, others live for the sake of their children. A clear understanding comes that, despite the fact that your loved one is no longer around, you need to continue to act, fulfilling the obligations imposed by the norms of morality and law.

At this phase, life plays with colors again. At the physical level, sleep and appetite are restored. A person begins to care about his work, where he shows excellent results.

Grief is experienced, but not as often as in the beginning. Individual moments occupy consciousness, but the scale of suffering decreases. The deceased is remembered, but there are fewer reasons for suffering. The reorganization stage lasts about a year. During this time, a person begins to engage in routine activities. He completely accepts the absence of a loved one in his environment. And copes with the loss. But he does it gradually: day after day. There is nothing surprising. In the process of life, each of us has to solve many things and problems. They arise on personal and professional fronts.

Guilt

Regardless of what the relationship was with dad, whether family members lived far from each other or close, because of which he died and other factors, a feeling of guilt comes to everyone who had to lose loved ones. This is how our subconscious tries to explain what happened. My thoughts pop up: “if I had persuaded him to go to the doctor...”, “if we hadn’t quarreled then...”, etc. It's part of the reaction to loss that you can't come to terms with. It is worth remembering that these feelings are not a real reason to look for the cause of what happened in your behavior.

Guilt is a symptom that appears regardless of circumstances.

We must remember that no matter how much we love the deceased, we, unfortunately, cannot foresee everything and direct his every step.
To miss something imaginary or real does not mean at all that the father was not loved. Wishing someone death and failing to foresee anything are two different things. It is clear that no one had any desire to harm his father. Therefore, there is no need to consider yourself guilty of his death.

Feelings of guilt after the death of a father can be directed not only at oneself. Questions may arise for other family members. If you just scroll through them in your head, you can really believe in someone’s guilt, direct or indirect. If these thoughts haunt you, during a conversation it is worth gently clarifying what the family member thinks about this. The main thing is to refrain from making accusations.

The purpose of the conversation is not to find someone to blame, but to get rid of thoughts that can deprive you of peace. If it seems that this conversation cannot be avoided, you need to choose your words very carefully. And you shouldn’t be surprised when you hear counter questions - most likely, thoughts about someone’s guilt arise in all family members.

In addition to guilt, there may be a feeling of missed opportunities. So much has not been said or done! Unfortunately, no one can be the perfect child for their father. This doesn't mean Dad wasn't loved enough. This means that all people are not ideal, and this must be recognized in relation to yourself.

How to survive the death of a loved one: advice from a psychologist

Not all people have a strong character. Some people, experiencing an acute depressive state, cannot cope on their own. In this situation, they need the help of specialists. Advice from psychologists on how to survive the death of a dear and loved one:

• fully accept your feelings to make it easier to cope with the death of a loved one;
• allow yourself to endure grief the way you want;
• “lay out the straws” in advance;
• review your social circle;
• build a new attitude towards the deceased and continue to live;
• be ready for change;
• do not forget about health;
• give yourself permission to move on with your life.

These simple tips will help you survive grief.

What to do?

Although the death of one’s own father cannot be accepted calmly, eternal mourning over the tragedy is not a solution. Life goes on, and you must pull yourself together for the sake of your loved ones and friends. The loss is truly great, and it is impossible to stop mourning dad in a couple of days. But you can help yourself and alleviate depression if you adhere to the following rules:

1. Don't hide your emotions. Don’t pretend to be a robot: suppressed negativity will sooner or later result in hysteria or illness. No one will judge you for showing emotions. If you are not used to showing your feelings in public, find a time and place where you can be alone with yourself and you can cry, scream or punch your pillow in despair. Your father has died, and you cannot remain indifferent. Release the anger, pain and rage about what happened, and you will feel a little better.
2. Accept the loss. When grief happens and a loved one dies, you often cannot believe that this happened to you. If your own father dies, sometimes the brain refuses to realize what is happening, it seems that dad is about to walk into the room and sit on his favorite chair, as before. Don't live in a world of illusions, accept the fact that he is no longer alive. But you will always have bright memories and the confidence that his spirit is somewhere nearby and protects you from misfortunes. Live in the present, because, unfortunately, you cannot change the past.
3. Share your experiences with loved ones. You will ease your morale if you talk to friends or relatives. Sympathy and understanding are the best medicine in your case. Don't reject your loved ones if they initiate conversations about your dad's death and your moral state. Their support will help relieve the peak of tension and feel a little better. Frank conversations about your feelings in connection with the death of your dad are one of the best cures for unbearable spiritual emptiness.
4. Take care of your health. If you are wondering how to survive the death of your dad, pay attention to your health first. It is impossible to mentally gather yourself and distract yourself from the tragedy if, in addition to mental anguish, you suffer from physical ones. Don’t ignore your body’s signals: if something hurts, go to the doctor and get treatment. You must move on with your life, because that is what your father would have wanted.
5. Don't avoid people. A reclusive lifestyle will aggravate feelings about the death of your father. You have to connect with people despite the tragedy. Being in a community will help you pull yourself together and see life go on. You don't have to be around 24/7, but hanging out with friends a couple of times a week will do you good. Try not to think about the moment of dad's death and the funeral while walking with friends. Remember pleasant moments, some funny stories associated with your father. Don't think that he would be offended that you are having fun and not grieving enough after his death. It is not for nothing that they say that the tears of relatives prevent the soul of the deceased from resting.
6. Take a break from your worries. The intensity of sad thoughts about dad's death will not decrease if you lie and look at the ceiling. Try to occupy yourself with some useful or enjoyable activity, such as housework or a favorite hobby. Occupational therapy has always been considered a good help for the treatment of depression and neuroses. Do something useful and realize that dad would be proud of you.
7. Find comfort in faith. Unless you are an ardent atheist, turning to God can help you find the inner strength to cope with grief. The thought that your father has found peace and gone to heaven will fill your heart with joy. Attend services, order prayers for the repose, pray for the soul of the deceased yourself and believe that everything is God’s will. Talk to the priest and ask him for advice. The servants of the Lord will guide you on the true path and find the right words of consolation.
8. Get a pet. Our smaller brothers will not let you be sad and bored. Their selfless love and soft fur will fill life with meaning. It's good if you get the animal that your father loved. This way you will fulfill his will and please your dad in heaven and yourself in reality. Worrying about the arrival of a new family member will help cope with depression and fill the emptiness in your heart.
9. Contact a psychologist. Not everyone is able to cope with the problem on their own. Don't suffer if nothing helps you to distract yourself. Make an appointment with a psychologist and work through your trauma about your father's death. Don't wait if you feel like your suffering is only getting worse. A psychologist will help you see the bright moments in life and get rid of depression. Working with a specialist will not be in vain, and you will soon notice a positive trend.

Now you know what to do if your father died. Feel sorry for yourself and don’t let yourself get nervous. Fight depression, because your dad would not want to see his child in such a state. Don’t run away from the problem and solve it to the best of your ability.

How to relate to death - father’s advice

Most people who are painfully worried come to church. It doesn’t matter what they believe in: Islam, Orthodoxy. The priests are ready to help them. Usually they advise you to humble yourself, as Christianity teaches this. They also talk about the afterlife, where relatives go. In the religion followed by the majority of Russian citizens, it is believed that the souls of loved ones go to heaven. But only those who did not sin during life. The theme of hell and heaven, good and evil is eternal. Those who do not believe in God do not recognize the dogmas established by the church. But you still need to consult with the priest. Many of them are smart and kind people who have experienced a lot in their lives. Some of them held positions in the world and also worked in a certain specialty. But their spiritual disposition towards God and people brought them into the fold of the Church. Father will advise you to pray. A person finds peace in prayer. You need to light candles for the soul of the deceased. And do this as often as possible. Father will definitely tell about this and other sacraments of Christianity to the person who is looking for support from the Church in his grief, as well as peace for himself.

How to accept the departure of a relative to another world

What does the church and Orthodoxy say about this?

To make the afterlife easier for the deceased, the church teaches to believe in the mercy of God, light candles in the church for the repose of the soul and read prayers for the deceased. You should also make a bloodless sacrifice - we are talking about alms and helping the suffering. It is believed that God will be able to hear your prayers if you honor his commandments. You should especially not neglect this in the first forty days after the death of a loved one. If you are not sure how to do everything correctly, go to the nearest church and consult with the priest.

Don't hesitate to ask for help

The main thing to remember when experiencing experiences is that you should not withdraw into yourself. At some point you don’t want to see anyone. Smiling and happy people these days cause irritation and aggression. A person withdraws into himself: his grief envelops him and does not allow him to move on. You can’t sit at home all the time, not answering calls, SMS from girlfriends and friends. Let's make an effort and get out of the vicious circle.

Often people offer help. Some do this out of a sense of tact, others out of true compassion. You should not push away a person who is ready to come to the rescue. He is sincerely ready to snatch the sufferer from the captivity of fear, loneliness, loss, aggression, guilt, tears, and suffering.

“This can’t be! I do not believe!"

When the news about the sudden death of a father is reported to his relatives, the first thing they feel is rejection of the current situation; it seems to them that this is just a dream, not reality, that this could not happen to them.

Denial is a person’s defensive reaction, so he may not experience any emotions, not cry, because he does not realize what is happening. It will take him some time to come to his senses and accept his father's departure. If adults first of all deny the fact of what happened, then they do not always know what is going on in the child’s soul. Therefore, it is very important to help him not withdraw into himself and not receive psychological trauma that will haunt him throughout his life.

How to help someone cope with the pain of loss

A person, first of all, helps himself:

1. We remember where we wanted to go and put off the coveted trip for many years. We open the Internet and find a tour to our liking. You can take time off at your own expense from work. Every employer will help if an employee experiences grief.
2. We find a hobby or bring back to life a favorite activity that we have long abandoned. A new interest, an exciting activity will help get rid of the obsessive feeling of loss. Of course, this does not happen at lightning speed. Everything takes time.
3. Let's start playing sports. We choose a gym and go to fitness. And also for dancing and swimming. Let's take care of ourselves.
4. We pay close attention to children. They, too, are complicit in the loss. And they also experience death, but in their own way. They need the support of a loved one, an adult. We try to spend as much time as possible with the child. He will give you strength to live on. Every parent understands that they must invest in him all the best that is still left in the modern world of technology, human callousness, and dangerous hobbies.

Relatives and friends are your social circle. Over the years and as we grow older, this circle gradually narrows. And this is normal, since life itself weeds out unreliable, superficial people from the environment. Those who truly care about a suffering person make titanic efforts to help him. For example, you can buy a ticket to a theater, a concert, or a movie. Visit your favorite restaurant, cafe, listen to music. As well as a museum or exhibition. These measures are simple but effective.

Making decisions

Often the father has many responsibilities. But even if this is not the case, after his death there are many serious decisions to be made. These include questions such as:

• What to do with the things of the deceased and everything that reminds him of him?
• Does a mother need to move in with her adult children?
• If the children are too young to earn money, how can a mother support her family? How can they help her?

Some people believe that it is necessary to immediately get rid of the things of the deceased so that nothing disturbs the soul. However, many widows and children of the deceased later regret that they hastened to such a decision. Of course, at first these things will most likely cause pain and may need to be removed. But then, when the pain subsides a little, a strong desire may appear to touch anything that was connected with the deceased. Therefore, it is worth leaving something as a keepsake.

Another serious decision is for the mother to move in with her adult children. To children, this may seem like the only right decision that needs to be made as soon as possible. However, such a move is additional stress for the mother. There is no need to rush her: perhaps the best place for her to mourn her loss is in the house where she lived with her husband.

It can be a very difficult situation when the mother is solely responsible for financially caring for her children. Immediately after the incident, there may be a thought: “after my husband’s death, I no longer need anything.” This is not selfishness, this is pain. But this is a situation when you need to think about the future of your children and your own. It is worth asking someone close to you to find out about possible benefits and payments in government agencies and at the place of work of the deceased. There is no need to refuse help.

Don't go to extremes. If, after the death of her husband, the mother throws herself into work, the children may feel even more severe pain. You should not expect that after redistributing responsibilities everything will immediately improve. You need to give yourself and your family time to get used to such changes.