The unloved child syndrome is a fairly common problem that occurs in society. People sometimes don’t think about their feelings, don’t notice the notes of sadness in their child’s voice, and don’t correlate causes and consequences. Lack of parental love affects emotional and personal development. Unfortunately, nothing goes unnoticed for the psyche.
It becomes difficult for an individual to show his best qualities of character and to believe in his own prospects. The most vulnerable creatures on the planet are unloved children. The signs and consequences of this phenomenon will be discussed in this article.
Low self-esteem
A person who was little loved in childhood is not able to appreciate himself. He constantly thinks that he is given little attention and warmth. He often accuses others of being cold and not understanding him. Low self-esteem affects the level of aspirations. Such an individual rarely strives to take a leading position; he denies himself much, preferring to be content with little.
The inability to appreciate one's aspirations in some cases prevents one from achieving significant success and setting objective goals for oneself. A person prefers to remain inactive rather than move towards his achievements step by step. He often blames anyone, refusing to follow his cherished dream.
Striving to earn love
An unloved child in adulthood requires a certain amount of attention from those around him. A person wants to feel that he is truly appreciated, that someone needs him. In fact, the need to earn love, to make it an integral part of your life, is triggered. This happens completely unconsciously, on a subconscious level. The fact is that we always strive to make up for the lack of something with certain actions. The individual wants to compensate for his own suffering with some benefits. Sometimes it happens that we give in to emotional impulses, without thinking at all about the possible consequences.
Mother's love is what always warms us in any adversity. We take refuge in these memories as a kind of shield when troubles happen. It can be very sad to observe an adult who sometimes behaves so childishly that one can only be surprised.
Mom, love me back: how to make up for the lack of maternal warmth
Psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya, a specialist in child-parent relations, author of numerous books and lecturer at Family Tree, gave several online lectures from the “Mothers and Daughters” series, in which she spoke about attachment disorders between mother and child. Petranovskaya dedicated one of her speeches to “stingy” mothers - women who did not give their children warmth, love and care. Family Tree provides the main theses of a psychologist that will help you understand what a “stingy” mother is and where the roots of this phenomenon are.
What is meant by a mother's "stinginess"?
As a rule, a “stingy” mother is considered to be one who, in the child’s understanding, systematically did not satisfy his needs, for example: did not praise, did not speak kind words, did not devote enough time, did not play, did not fulfill requests, and so on. Any need unsatisfied in childhood, which responds to pain in the child, and then in an adult, indicates that his mother was not emotionally involved enough in caring for him. In everyday life, a child who has not received enough warmth from his mother is considered unloved.
Where do unmet needs come from?
An unmet need arises where the so-called “circle of care”, which looks like this, is broken.
Let's imagine a situation: a child is in pain, and he gives a signal about this, to which a caring parent reacts by joining the situation, comforting the child, calming him down and returning him to a state of peace. However, if the mother regularly denies the child the consolation and affection he needs in a given situation, he develops a painfully unsatisfied need.
What happens to a child with an unmet need?
According to Petranovskaya, the need “freezes”, constantly reminds itself, and causes discomfort to the child. Then the two most common scenarios are possible:
A child with an unsatisfied need enters a cycle, constantly seeking and demanding consolation and reassurance. Neurotic repetition of the need can drag on for many years and be focused both on the mother’s figure and on other people - on friends, relatives, partners and even one’s own children. At the same time, the pain does not subside; a person suffering from the consequences of being unloved cannot get enough of it and be saturated with warmth.
A child with an unsatisfied need turns it off, pretending that nothing is happening to him, guided by the principle: “They don’t give it - and it’s not necessary.” Growing up, such children can accept someone's attention and love superficially, without being able to love and accept deeply. People with a disabled unmet need often develop self-centered insensitivity to others, since they do not have the resource to feel the needs of loved ones or consider their condition.
What determines exactly how a child will react to the mother’s emotional “stinginess”?
This depends on several factors. For example, depending on age: a baby is more likely to disconnect from an unmet need, while an older child is more likely to become fixated. In addition, the reaction depends on the child’s psychotype, on how empathetic and sensitive he is, as well as on the emotional state of the little person at a particular period of time. There are often situations when a disliked child jumps from fixation to disconnection and back.
Where does dislike and parental “stinginess” come from?
As the psychologist notes, in most cases the situation is not as terrible as the child feels and remembers. The causes of violations in the “circle of trust” are common maternal problems: fatigue, nervous exhaustion, exhaustion.
Petrovskaya emphasizes that the emotional “stinginess” of mothers is typical for women who live in Russia and neighboring countries. This is explained by both social reasons and local mentality and foundations.
Women are especially susceptible to stinginess in their feelings towards their children:
without the support of relatives or husband; forced to work a lot; those in difficult financial situations; those experiencing postpartum depression (especially if loved ones deny its presence); those experiencing grief, loss (husband, loved one, pregnancy, child); repeating the established pattern of behavior of their mothers or grandmothers; having different psychotypes from the child.
By analyzing the mother’s life path, the grown child can understand what exactly caused the unmet need to arise in his life. This can help you rethink your feelings and allow the emotional wound to heal.
Situations when women experience serious hostility towards a child are quite rare, and are usually explained by the fact that the mother associates him with some kind of traumatic event - rape, divorce from her husband, cruelty, pain, and so on. These cases require specialist intervention.
How to make up for the lack of maternal love?
If, after reading this text, you realized that you were raised by a “mean” mother, do not despair. You can help yourself. Here's what needs to be done.
First of all, you need to understand: if your mother didn’t give you something in childhood, she definitely won’t give it to you now. The reason is simple - she doesn’t have a time machine, and she can’t return to those situations that were especially painful for you: she won’t take you to school, won’t praise you for clean dishes, won’t give you that gift you dreamed of in six years.
Moreover, your mother will not be able to give you what you are still asking her for, even if she admits all her mistakes, apologizes to you and undergoes psychotherapy. You need to leave your mother behind and stop following her, begging for love after the fact.
However, you can console your inner child yourself: give yourself the opportunity to be sad, cry, feel sorry for the little one who just can’t calm down. You are that same child. And now that you have grown up, you can come to his aid and relieve his pain.
Does this mean that the need will remain unsatisfied?
No, that doesn't mean it. After you have accepted the fact that your mother, no matter how much she wants, cannot feel sorry for you as a child, you need to shift the focus from her figure to those who surround you. Pay attention to other sources that can saturate you and satisfy your need.
And above all, it is, as mentioned above, you and your inner child. Do what he asks - buy a dress, praise him (that is, yourself), ride a scooter with him in the park.
Then ask your friends and partner for help. Turn to them, hear them, accept their care, their love, it is no less valuable than your mother’s. Do not hesitate to contact a psychologist with your dislike - a specialist will help you find your inner child, and also consider your mother’s love behind the screen of fatigue, tediousness, criticism and control, because for many women such techniques are a kind of love language.
Feeling of inexplicable loneliness
It haunts the individual throughout his life. He does not find consolation in anything or anywhere, any special joy that he needs. The feeling of loneliness permeates him all his life, it becomes almost impossible to get rid of it. This is how mistrust, fear of the truth, and the desire to escape from negative impressions are born. Some people clearly develop a sense of their exclusivity. They feel unworthy of all benefits and aspirations. Of course, this is very sad, but there is no need to blame others.
It is completely pointless to call on others for justice, to demand from them what you did not receive from your parents as a child. As a rule, when we begin to demand love, it quickly eludes us.
Increased sensitivity
For many years, an unloved child may be distinguished by touchiness and characteristic depressive disorders. He does not understand why he is bothered by anxious thoughts and increased vulnerability. Sometimes conflict situations arise literally out of nowhere, depriving you of moral strength. The individual does not discover additional resources in himself in order to take control of the situation. His personal life seems insignificant and not worthy of attention.
Such heightened sensitivity is typical of those who believe that little time was spent on them in childhood. Subsequently, people with similar traumas are afraid to love because they have a hard time withstanding rejection. Love for children is a necessary component that makes them stronger and wiser as adults. The more attention given, the better.
Show the dark side of love
Teach your child to understand that life is not always associated with joy, holidays and balloons. Therefore, if you have to tell your child your decisive “no,” do it with firmness and inflexibility. Ultimately, he will understand that the daily routine and parental restrictions were introduced for his own good. Even if this understanding comes many years later.
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Fear of the truth
It is noteworthy that people who received little attention in childhood are afraid of hearing unpleasant opinions about themselves. They become so fixated on possible failures that they almost never make serious attempts to change something for the better. It seems to them that others treat them unfairly and are biased towards them.
An unloved child is afraid to find out the truth about himself, because deep down he considers his personality unworthy, undeserving of warmth, affection and attention. A person can carry this fear throughout his life, completely unaware of how impoverished he is and becomes even more susceptible to any negative influences. As a result, a persistent fear of life is formed, which does not allow one to enjoy even pleasant little things.
Unbreakable connection
The close connection between mother and child continues for several years after childbirth. Medical scientists explained this phenomenon. Tuft University. They found that mother and baby exchange cells through the placenta during pregnancy. And these baby cells remain with the mother even after childbirth. It is they who determine such an inextricable connection.
Read also: Scientists have revealed from whom children inherit intelligence. And these are not dads!
Inability to express emotions
Lack of parental attention usually leads to a person becoming quite withdrawn. The individual experiences significant difficulties with self-determination and does not know where to direct their efforts. There is some coldness and detachment. Such people are usually afraid to reveal their true feelings to others because they are afraid of looking weak and defenseless. The inability to express emotions complicates moments of close communication and practically eliminates them. After all, if an individual does not show his interest in interaction in any way, it becomes quite difficult to understand what he really is like.
Lack of trust
An unloved child has difficulty expressing his feelings openly when the need arises. He often has to restrain himself and adapt to limiting circumstances. At the same time, it becomes quite difficult to avoid developing a lack of trust. A person is forced to withdraw into himself, realizing that he can rely exclusively on his own person. But things don't always work out the way we want.
Expectations are often completely unfulfilled and become something like unfulfilled needs. The world of the people around him seems alien and incomprehensible. We can say that love for children is the necessary energy that nourishes and fills the soul of an individual, helps him achieve the desired result. If a child does not receive this from childhood, then when he becomes an adult he will not learn to truly value himself. He will have to make numerous efforts in order to make decisions and act adequately in accordance with the situation.
I can't show my child my love
Question: TatianaHello, Alena! Thank you for the valuable advice that helps you in difficult life situations. I hope you can help me overcome the embarrassment in expressing maternal feelings towards my son.
My only child is 7 years old. He is a welcome child, and I love him very much, but I hardly show my feelings at all. The boy graduated from first grade with excellent marks, he is very capable, smart, just a good kid! Of course, he misbehaves and plays around, like all boys at this age, but everything is within the limits of what is permitted.
So, scolding him for his offense, shouting at him, making a remark - this comes very easily to me, but it’s simply not possible to caress him, hug him, call him by a gentle nickname! It’s as if some kind of “blocker” of emotions is turned on. Praising my son, I limit myself to dry words: “well done,” “good.” And the older he gets, the cooler (in appearance) my attitude towards him becomes.
I began to notice that he also stopped being affectionate towards me: if I kiss him, he wipes his cheek, if I stroke my head, he dodges. This makes me sad: I’m trying to at least somehow show attention to my son, but he doesn’t seem to need it at all. This is how it turns out to be a vicious circle.
By nature, I am a tough, domineering, straightforward person. While still a child, I was irritated by excessive (as it seemed to me then) maternal tenderness; I myself was not affectionate with my mother. Since childhood, my parents tried to teach me to be softer, they warned me that with such a boyish, prickly character I would have a very difficult time in life. That’s basically what happened.
But with age, I learned to hide the negative sides of my character, but when communicating with a child, I still cannot become a tender, affectionate mother. Sometimes, when my baby falls asleep and doesn’t know that I’m nearby, I go up to him, kiss him, stroke his cheek, and take his hands in mine. However, I allow myself these moments of tenderness only when he doesn’t know about it. I understand that this is unnatural, and he will probably only be glad if mom becomes softer, but I can’t help it!
Alena, please advise how to learn to show your love for your son and not be shy about displays of tenderness. Thank you in advance. Tatiana.
Answer: psychologist Alena Moskvina
Hello Tatiana. We all need physical manifestations of affection, tenderness and love. differently to touch and to expressions of feelings . For some, a light touch and a kiss in passing is enough. Another urgently needs to feel hugs and caresses as often as possible. And there are people for whom physical contact is extremely unpleasant. Such people do not like to be touched, they literally shy away from others and close people, they do not want to be squeezed. Children get much more hugs and kisses than adults, which, of course, is understandable... But children are also different: for some, all this is pleasant, and they themselves cling, asking for affection, while others don’t know, how to break out.
Tatyana, most likely, as a child, you did not really need affection. This was your specialty . And when your mother tried to hug and kiss you, you left, avoided it, cursed. Therefore, you had the impression that you were being overly caressed, and your mother, on the contrary, was upset and called you prickly. But all this was unpleasant for you. You remember all this - how you didn’t want tenderness, and therefore subconsciously you don’t want to annoy your son with your caresses. You know it's unpleasant and you don't want your child to experience the same. You do this based on personal experience . That's why, when a child sleeps, you want to cuddle him. You realize your desires without disturbing his “I” .
And here it is very important for you to understand what your child needs. What you were like as a child is one thing, your son is completely different. Of course, the boy is not used to tenderness, but now he is dodging you also because he has matured, he is 7 years old, and at this age boys already begin to be shy about tenderness . So there is no need to actively catch up . And if such a desire appears, then hug your son so that no one sees, and not for long, without hurting his male self.
Tatyana, if you love your son and are proud of him, then he feels all this perfectly, and you try to tell him about it out loud more often. You cannot deceive a child; he always subconsciously feels the truth . He has no doubts about your love, believe me. And caresses, kisses... You are who you are. And your man is growing. So it's okay. Don't torture yourself with guilt.
Also try to control yourself less . Follow your feelings more often, relax, it will be pleasant for both you and your loved ones.
Show as much interest in your child as possible. You should share your son’s hobbies and find joint activities. Be sincerely interested in your son's life, try to communicate with him more , don't be boring - and everything will be fine. We all change with time. But our family loves us for who we are.
Sincerely, Alena Moskvina
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Constant fears
The fear of failure will manifest itself in all matters and events that occur. A person who has not learned to appreciate himself will begin to have certain problems in all matters and endeavors. Fears consume a lot of positive energy and contribute to us becoming even more withdrawn, indecisive and lethargic. This is because the inner core is not developed enough and there is practically no self-confidence. In other words, the individual is captive of his own fears and does not know how to approach solving a particular problem. Even some simple actions sometimes take a lot of time and require a gigantic effort.
If you separate a child from its mother
What will happen if you don’t give a damn about the laws of Nature, physiology, psyche and separate a child from his mother, regardless of his age? You will get a mentally ill person.
Firstly, a constant feeling of anxiety will go into the unconscious, but it will also come out, there will definitely be a feeling of abandonment, insecurity, when “the ground disappears from under your feet.” Secondly, a feeling of helplessness. Because the baby could not return his mother - he could not ensure his safety and life. This means that he cannot provide himself with something more, because he has failed in the most basic things that a person should have (remember Abraham Maslow’s pyramid of needs, where you cannot move higher until basic needs are met). And as practice shows, the absence of this feeling of security causes a lack of boundaries in a person, because they are also built by the mother, and such a person easily goes into crime, it becomes difficult to influence him, since he was initially separated from the formative, fundamental influence of the mother.
Inability to communicate
A very serious consequence that cannot be ignored. It is necessary to understand that an unloved child will have big problems in later life. He will inevitably encounter difficulties that an ordinary person is unlikely to deal with. Among other difficulties, there will be an inability to support other people. This happens because there is no necessary trust, there is only a need to attract attention and earn love. The inability to communicate will manifest itself in everything.
When you need to ask someone for a favor, a person will not be able to do this: after all, he is used to relying only on himself. The inability to understand others often leads to the emergence of additional conflict situations.
Loneliness and misunderstanding
Mother's love is what warms us in any adversity. From childhood, a person learns to trust the world precisely through the relationships he develops with his parents. First of all, how the mother influences the child is of great importance. Children who are loved unconditionally and unconditionally learn to trust others and listen to their own desires. This is how a successful perception of oneself in the world is formed and self-confidence grows. Your own capabilities seem realistic, filled with special meaning. The feeling of loneliness and misunderstanding arises when a person does not know where to move next, where to look for consolation, what to pay attention to. If we feel somewhere in the depths of our souls that we are not loved, then from within comes the realization that we are not worthy of it. Then the person does not even try to change something in himself, but comes to terms with the fact that he is not like others. He stops looking for a way out and hoping for a positive change in the situation. It is very difficult to come to an understanding of how to act while in self-isolation.
Get off your phone
It's easy to get lost in the mindless scrolling of your social media feeds when you pick up your phone just to check your email. As a result, this activity can take half an hour, or even more. Wouldn't it be better to spend this time playing with your baby? Stop paying attention to audio alerts. Show your child that he is much more important to you than the Internet.
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Dependent Relationships
Often, the lack of personal life in adulthood contributes to the fact that it takes a long time to find a suitable partner. When we are alone for a long time, we stop enjoying anything. As a result, dependent relationships are formed, sometimes leading to internal devastation. The individual loses hope that he can somehow influence the rest of his life. He withdraws into himself and stops making any attempts at all to correct the situation. This is why there are so many unhappy couples in the world. These people just don’t understand that they are ruining their relationships with each other. They try to solve problems that arise at the expense of their partner. Subconsciously, they want someone to free them, shelter them and protect them from all adversity.
Among women
It is noteworthy that representatives of the fair sex experience this situation in a special way. The unloved child complex is much more common in women than in men. Girls are characterized by increased sensitivity and receptivity. They interpret the slightest changes in mood as serious fluctuations. Some ladies are able to get stuck in emotional experiences precisely because they were not given enough warmth in childhood.
As adults, such women will subconsciously seek attention from those men who are not capable of truly loving. It’s as if they are constantly trying to prove to themselves that they are unworthy of something good, more in life. All this happens completely unconsciously, without our efforts. If people were more aware of their negative feelings, they would not allow them to appear.
Thus, the problem of dislike in children greatly affects the rest of their lives. A person becomes overly suspicious and tries in different ways to attract the attention of others. If this fails, he becomes depressed and begins to perceive himself as a weak and weak-willed being.
Author: Tatyana Proskuryakova
