What to do if your husband cheats: he doesn’t confess and lies, doesn’t leave the family, how to behave, advice from a psychologist.

When couples get married, they usually believe that their family life will be perfect and that they will be able to avoid many of the problems that are common in some other families. However, many married women are one day forced to face an unpleasant discovery - their spouse’s betrayal. Why does this happen and is there a chance to save such a marriage?

Psychology of male infidelity

According to statistics, the topic of male infidelity affects about 70% of families. Psychologists say that there are many more reasons for craving for another woman than is commonly believed. Moreover, this does not apply to a one-time affair under the influence of a large amount of alcohol - we are talking about a permanent partner, a mistress who enters the life of an established union. Why does a married man start cheating on his wife?

Sexual dissatisfaction. Wives are indignant when this particular reason is voiced, because people are rational beings who do not tend to live at the level of instincts. Alas! If physical contact is lost between spouses, the man will find it on the side, it’s only a matter of time.
Emotional emptiness. Boredom, predictability, constant household chores, monotony, cyclicality, an eternally tired wife with a scanty ponytail on her head. Men go to cheat where it’s intense, but easy.
Scandals, claims, reproaches, jealousy, suspicions and other negative aspects. Here, betrayal is of a different nature: the husband leaves precisely from the tense situation in the house.
Indifference, lack of care, tenderness. Where are the morning breakfasts, words of love, support, hugs when meeting? Even if you are a sexy tigress, but in everyday life you devote time only to yourself, a man will fill these gaps with another.
A reason to assert yourself. These are either successful men, or vice versa, those who need to overcome their complexes. Often husbands cheat during a midlife crisis, trying to catch up with their vanishing youth.

There is no point in going deeper. Cheating can also be attributed to polygamy, a distorted internal picture of the family in which the man grew up, psychological trauma, and so on. But it is obvious that in almost all cases the mistress appears where there are family problems.

Signs that a man is cheating

Wives feel betrayal intuitively, even without good reasons and reliable evidence. A woman feels the fact of betrayal especially acutely if she and her husband have a close emotional connection. But you can’t always trust your assumptions, remember this! If your husband has been late at work for the second week, maybe there really is a blockage there? Or is Lena from the contact list really an elderly buffet employee? How can you tell if your husband has a permanent mistress?

The main evidence is behavior that is unusual for a husband.

This manifests itself in everything: in intimate life he can suddenly cool down or, on the contrary, demand new poses, images, moods. Telephone conversations will take place outside the room, under the pretexts of “business conversation”, “you can hear better in the kitchen”, “I don’t want to disturb you, rest”, etc. A different attitude towards the phone will appear - if before it was lying around, now it is will be kept strictly in your pockets, on silent mode, or a password will appear on it. Any attempt by the wife to touch the gadget will be accompanied by insults, scandals, speeches about personal space and mistrust. Yes, it will still be empty in all histories: calls, correspondence, browsers.

A husband can dramatically change his appearance and habits - shave his beard, change his hairstyle, give up sportswear, run in the morning, eat only squirrels for dinner. At work, a man will increasingly become an “irreplaceable employee” who is responsible for the work of the entire department. There will definitely be inconsistencies in wages (you need to pamper another woman too), as well as marks in the car or on clothes (smells, objects, a strangely wrinkled collar).

Advice! Reject attempts by “well-wishers” to give you news that your beloved is cheating. This matter concerns only your family, where there should be no place for outsiders.

Household reasons

In our culture, it is very easy and convenient for husbands to “hang” the entire life of the family on their wives. Especially if there is a family with children. To do this, the husband doesn’t even have to be a stern patriarchal tyrant (although such characters can be found in the twenty-first century): it’s enough for him to show his arms out of his shoulders and naively bat his eyes: they say, he’s not trained to clean or cook, and I’m not good with children either. it doesn’t work out - come on, wife, try, you’re strong, you can handle it!

And a huge number of women, even working and earning women, take on all household chores - simply because these things will not be done otherwise! Well, and men... And men are so comfortable - and why would they leave a free cook and housekeeper?

Why husbands cheat but don't leave the family

Despite the large percentage of crisis families affected by infidelity on the part of a spouse, not all of them end in divorce. Why do husbands cheat on their wives, but do not leave them? What is it - weakness, cowardice or a desire to sit on two chairs?

Psychologists say that there are plenty of reasons to live in two families, but the main one is comfort. Yes, it is convenient for husbands to be with two women at once. One dear, faithful, legal, with whom many grindings and tests have been passed. She will feed, heal, arrange life, raise children. I don't want to leave this one. The other is emotional, passionate, free, unpredictable, interesting. The mistress does not demand anything, but she herself is not ready to make sacrifices, which is what keeps her partner on the hook. If both women complement each other, it brings harmony to a man's life. The husband may not even love his wife, but in this case he will never leave the family.

In addition, there are a number of social reasons why husbands cheat but don’t leave:

condemnation of relatives, unnecessary questions, painful conversations about family values;
presence of common children;
fear of falling in the eyes of others (if a man’s status obliges him to look like a positive hero);
material well-being (suddenly you will have to divide jointly acquired property);
reluctance to enter into open conflict with the spouse;
fear of changing your own life (it’s one thing to drop in on your mistress for a couple of hours, and another thing to live with a practically unknown woman in someone else’s house, get used to her, change your foundations);
frivolity of the affair - not all men fall in love with the women they cheat with, some are simply distracted or have fun in this way;
love for your wife.

In general, do husbands leave their families for their mistresses? Statistics say that this happens rarely, only in 10 cases out of 100, but if it does happen, then half of them always return back to their wife.

Why do men stay with their wives?

Many people are concerned about this question. It would seem that if a husband is satisfied with his relationship with another woman, why shouldn’t he leave his wife for her completely? The important point is that only wives ask this question. Husbands don't even think about it. They live well on two fronts, why change anything.

A man has achieved a certain material well-being, bought or built a home, he has a wife and children, and at the moment he can live for himself. This is how he reasons and does not see anything reprehensible in this. In addition, representatives of the stronger sex see a big difference between a legal wife and a woman on the side. They treat their wife as sacred, inviolable, their own, faithful, reliable, incapable of betrayal. In a mistress they see sexuality, unpredictability, ease, this is her attractiveness.

Also, the husband often has an emotional attachment to his wife, which he does not feel for his mistress. Therefore, he is in no hurry to leave his missus.

Often the husband remains in the family because he has a strong emotional attachment to his wife and children

In addition to those mentioned above, there are other reasons that are slightly less important, but have an impact on the double life of the spouse:

Common children. Most men consider themselves exemplary family men, which does not allow them to abandon raising children. A man’s duty as a father is to let the child know that he has a good, full-fledged family.
Fear of public opinion. With a certain status, a man cannot present himself in an unsightly light. Often for society he is an exemplary family man and a helpful gentleman, but for his wife he is an unfaithful husband.
Opinion of relatives and friends. Fear of whose side close people will take forces a man to stay in the family. If the couple aroused everyone's admiration, in the event of a breakup it will be him who will be condemned.
Comfort at home. It is convenient for a man to continue living with his wife; a deliciously cooked dinner and clean shirts await him at home. The mistress’s apartment is filled with relaxation, sex, adrenaline and inspiration.
Financial well-being. Some men are so afraid of losing their acquired property that even if they openly hate their wife, they will not leave her.
Temporary infatuation. A man does not confuse the concepts of love and passion. Often, he describes his relationship with his new passion by passion. Thoughts swirl in his subconscious that infatuation quickly passes, but love remains. This is one of the reasons why he does not break up with his wife and does not leave.

Why do men leave their families?

How to behave as a wife

In such a sensitive issue, there are so many people, so many opinions. Some people advise cutting from the shoulder and never looking back, some people suggest analyzing the situation more rationally in order to work out your mistakes.

First steps

A frank conversation with your husband will help you decide on your future strategy. First of all, you need to find out 2 things: what happened in your relationship that your spouse started cheating and what makes him still be with you. If you feel that you cannot forgive betrayal, it is unpleasant and painful for you to be near your partner, you need to take a break. It’s not necessary to get a divorce, you just need to separate for a while. If your feelings are so strong that you are ready to fight for your family, be patient, you will certainly need it.

If the husband guiltily admits in a dialogue that he loves another woman, calm down, all is not lost. Yes, you can't stop him from feeling, but you can help him sort out his feelings. After all, if a husband does not love, but does not leave the family, it means that something is controlling him. Basically, this is a feeling of guilt before the legal spouse. So, psychologists advise in such a situation to understand your husband and let him go to someone else. You will be surprised, but this position of the wife often saves the marriage.

What does a mistress do? She plays the role of an ideal woman who always looks stunning, is in a great mood, and is able to satisfy any man's desires. This illusion collapses when lovers return to everyday life from their honeymoon. And now the companion wakes up without makeup, and her borscht is not so tasty, and her pillows are thin, the mood is not always cheerful... And if the wife remains a friend, then sooner or later the mistress’s patience runs out, and goodwill is replaced by hysterics and ultimatums . Then bitterness, melancholy, insight, insight comes to the man. In psychology, this term is called insight. When the husband suddenly realizes that there is no one better than his own wife, and leaving the family was stupid, the job is done.

And at this time, while you are alone, you have to do serious internal work on yourself:

Accept your pain. Allow negative emotions to come out first in order to pacify them later. This is the beginning of a new journey.
Forbid yourself from thinking about your rival or making comparisons with her.
Focus on the positive, let go of resentment.
Live a full, rich life - sports, walks on fresh holidays, meeting with friends.
Don’t look for excuses for your husband’s infidelity, there are none. If you forgive, it means you let go and never return to them.

As soon as you feel the strength that will help you restore (or break) the relationship, everything will go as it should.

How to return your husband to your family

If your husband has a mistress, but does not leave the family, getting him back is easier than it seems. It is enough to analyze your relationships and possible mistakes to further correct your behavior. You are an adult girl, and you know very well that both partners are often to blame for cheating, so it’s time to draw conclusions.

So, why did the spouse fall in love with another woman, why does he cheat? What did he miss about you? Grooming, care, affection, intimate diversity, understanding, trust, tenderness? Maybe you loved House-2 more than your household members and stopped in your own development? Or did you stop respecting yourself and could go to the store in a dirty terry robe? Remember, analyze, ask, write down thoughts on a piece of paper. You must have a clear plan according to which you will act.

What should you do to make your husband look at you with different eyes:

let him know that you have a core;
rest, relax;
listen to your husband’s opinion, do not interrupt him, be able to conduct a dialogue calmly;
take care of yourself;
think positively;
do unusual but right things;
thank your spouse more often;
praise him, give him compliments;
become his friend.

If the husband spends the night with his mistress, but still does not leave the house, we find peace and remember the basic techniques of influencing the opposite sex. This is emotional support, tactile contact (hug, stroking, gentle touch), signs of attention, help and care. Your husband is at home, which means you have the opportunity to feed him a delicious breakfast, massage his shoulders after a hard day, cheer him up with your ease and ease, ask him unobtrusively for help, and then be sure to thank him, etc.

Dear women, remember one thing: there are no right or wrong actions in your life. Any decision you make will become a priori correct, because you will have to move on with it. Psychologists advise listening to your own intuition and not acting impulsively. It’s better to take a break, abstract yourself and imagine your future. The picture you see should determine your current steps and, accordingly, your future life. Don't be afraid of anything - leaving means leaving, staying means staying!

When you can’t forgive the fact of betrayal, decide on a divorce. If a man is decent, he will help the family even after leaving it, and if not, then you need to run away from such husbands even faster!

If there is a child in the family

Parents have a responsibility to take responsibility for the physical and mental health of their children. A child is one of the main reasons why a man, even if he is in love with another, does not leave the family. But is it necessary to sacrifice the child’s psyche and how to control yourself if your husband cheats?

The mother has a double task - to protect the child from stress. Therefore, it is strictly forbidden to pour out your problems to him, to frighten the child with the fact that dad is cheating, leaving, stopped loving him, traded him, refuses to meet, and so on. Distinguish between parent-child and marital relationships, no matter how much it hurts you! You shouldn’t threaten your husband that if he doesn’t stop cheating, he’ll never see his son/daughter again. Otherwise, this conflict will move to a more acute stage.

On the contrary, spend as much time together as possible, let your husband actively participate in your life - go to the movies, study homework, walk in the park, ride bicycles. If a child is happy and shares his warm feelings with his parents, adults remember that the children were the result of their love, which means that everything can still be returned.

Common female mistakes

It is difficult to control your actions when a loved one cheats, destroying the brightest moments. It is especially painful if the husband said that he no longer loves his wife, but at the same time, nevertheless, continues to live with her in the same territory.

Whatever decision the wife makes, she has the right to it. The only thing psychologists urge is to keep your own face.

What absolutely cannot be done if the husband is in no hurry to leave his mistress?

Pretend that nothing is happening. If you turn a blind eye to adultery, your husband will consider it an encouragement and will not even think about stopping cheating. And why do you need the role of a great martyr? Do you think that your husband will kiss your hands for this? No, all you will get is a shattered psyche and physical illnesses that will creep out due to constantly suppressed anger.
Forgive immediately. A man must understand that if his wife forgives his infidelity, then she does it only once! Of course, not right away. First, you must again plunge into the candy-bouquet period, where your husband is obliged to woo you. With dates, flowers, movies, dinners, kisses. But after forgiveness, the topic of betrayal should be closed forever.
Press for pity. Pity breeds contempt and repels men. He wants to see a successful, confident woman next to him, and not a spineless creature who is ready to do anything for him!
Blackmail, threaten. Many wives begin to set absurd conditions: if you leave, continue to cheat, then I will commit suicide/you won’t see your child/I will crash your car/my son has exams, take care of his nerves, etc. If you think that this will sober up your husband and force him to start again love you, then the effect will be exactly the opposite. He will leave anyway, but then he will spend a long time washing your bones with the one with whom he is cheating. Your rival will convince him of the correctness of his choice, because you are obviously a crazy, desperate lady.
Look for a meeting with your lover. For what? Whatever the reason, you will still find yourself humiliated. And if you grab her in the face, you will immediately collapse in this triangle. If a husband stops loving his wife, but for some reason does not leave the family, then he needs a reason. Guilt before your mistress for your behavior is a great opportunity to leave!
To take revenge. A woman thinks that another relationship is a great reason to make her husband jealous. No. Instead, you give the man the green light, and as a result, in addition to the pain of betrayal, you will also be overtaken by disappointment, devastation, and contempt from your own ridiculous behavior.

If the husband already lives with his mistress, but does not file for divorce, wait a minute. Do not play along with your rival, because she is just waiting for one of you to take this decisive step. On the contrary, be calm as a rock, but do not forget about yourself. Become a cat, change places with your mistress - now let them leave her.

Don't involve your parents, children, or friends in the nuances of your discord. The more your mutual friends and family put pressure on him, the more your husband will become defensive.

Is your husband walking?

Indeed, isn’t it a myth you’ve come up with for yourself? There are 4 moments when your hassle happened out of the blue, this is if:

You're too jealous. Even your husband’s smile towards another woman is perceived as an attempt to “go left.” At night you imagine in your fantasies scenarios of his non-existent betrayals, and in the morning, while he is taking a shower, you frantically rummage through his pockets and phone, thinking that he is well encrypted.
“Brought by a magpie on its tail”: an envious friend or a gossip acquaintance. Like, I saw your “unbeliever” first with one in a cafe, then with another in the car. To all the demands for a sincere confession, your spouse only blinks his eyes in amazement, and you perceive this as his feverish attempt to come up with an excuse.
You still can’t forgive his one random old sin, so you’re screwing yourself over. Indeed, often a person who has stumbled is not trusted for a long time, even if he has become correct. You screw it up, he suffers, everyone feels bad.
His myth. It's a rare case, but it does happen - he comes up with his own sprees. You don’t pay attention to him, but he doesn’t know how to get it away from you. And it seems like you didn’t catch him with anyone in particular, but some late arrivals, a thoughtful look, a slight drunkenness from work - all this is not characteristic of his behavior, you notice it. He doesn't walk around - he wants you to at least show an attempt at jealousy.

In this case, there is no reason to worry. Don’t flirt with jealousy, don’t listen to chatter, learn to let go of the past and pay more attention to your husband. Otherwise, after playing with fire, he will not stay at home, and maybe something like this will happen, as in the article - when a man disappears without explanation.

Another useful article: What to do if your husband lives in two families