Why doesn't a mother love her daughter and what should I do if my mother doesn't love me?

September 15, 2018
Psychology of relationships
Natalia Balagurova

Problems between generations are an inexhaustible topic of conversation. Many people are especially interested in why often in families the mother does not love her daughter. It would seem that any child should first of all love his mother, and every woman who gives birth to a child should love the one she gave birth to. In real life, this statement, which smacks of absolutism, does not work well - mothers experience hostility towards their girls, which, as many believe, can ruin the child’s life.

Is it possible?

Sometimes it happens that from the outside it seems as if the mother does not love her daughter, but if you enter the family, it becomes clear that this is just a show-off aspect, and the relationship is actually close, it just looks so ugly to the outside person. Much more often, however, the opposite happens: behind the pleasant façade, there are intra-family conflicts that have no end or end. Someone is convinced that in reality mothers cannot have hostility toward their daughters, and all talk about this is just gossip of envious people. Others say that there are plenty of examples around, moreover, such a maternal attitude affects the life of the child, and it is extremely difficult to cope with the consequences of the problem.

There is such a science - psychology. Why mothers don’t love their daughters, how this can be noticed, how to change the situation - all these issues are dealt with by people who have dedicated themselves to this area. They assure that the absence of maternal love is expressed through the emotional detachment of the elder from the younger. As a rule, such a parent puts moral pressure on the child. They will not pamper you with warmth and affection at home, but you will have to deal with criticism every day. Any failure is noted, attention is focused on it, and the mother assures that she warned the child about such a development of events.

The psychology of hostility towards daughters

Why do they say that mothers don't love their daughters? It is a common belief that mothers love their daughters less.

This is probably due to a feeling of competition , a struggle for the attention of the main man in the house - the father.

A growing daughter reminds a woman of her age.

Such inferiority and complexes are projected onto the attitude towards your child .

Why are children loved differently? Find out about it in the video:

What about the other side?

It happens that it is no secret to outsiders that the mother does not love her daughter. The signs of such an attitude are obvious: the child is convinced of his bad qualities, and strangers can hear his own mother calling her daughter either lazy, or armless, or a mare. And if there are external flaws that the child is very worried about, then such a mother is guaranteed to “hit where it hurts,” reminding her over and over again about the imperfections in appearance. This also works in the opposite direction: the more parents criticize some aspect of appearance, the more convinced the child is of his ugliness.

Indeed, family relationships can be a problem that will subjugate the whole future life - especially if the mother does not love her daughter. Psychology as a science has long been considering this phenomenon of family relationships, and observations show that most of these mothers convince their child that their imperfections will be a guaranteed obstacle to ever finding a soul mate. If an older girl attracts the attention of a representative of the opposite sex, the mother begins to criticize and humiliate him, doubting his ability to reason sensibly and draw adequate conclusions, to assess the situation in general and individual people in particular.

What to do?

Rather, realize that in your life experience there is a place for such a difficult situation, which greatly traumatizes you and helps your personality develop in the wrong direction. Next, it’s time to say goodbye to the hope that your relationship with your mother will ever change, and she will learn to love you exactly the way you’ve dreamed all your life. Look for love within yourself - try to look at yourself through the eyes of a loving mother and imagine what you could be like in that case. Introduced? This is you. Psychologists advise raising your mother within yourself and, in cases of support, turning to her for approval or support.

The highest aerobatics is to accept and forgive everything that you have been carrying within yourself for many years. Or rather, let it go. Yes, it hurt, but you grew up and realized everything you experienced. No one is calling on you to justify your mother, but she lived in a different time and breathed different air. Perhaps she had a difficult life - getting food, meticulous life, living in an apartment with her own parents. There were simply no resources for psychological sensitivity

You shouldn’t live with childhood traumas all your life – this is the other extreme. You shouldn’t waste all your energy complaining and attributing your failures to your parents’ mistakes. It is very easy to live life in the image of “my mother didn’t love me,” so the most important thing is to stop in time and finish all these processes. After all, when we were children, we had no choice in principle. And now only you decide whether to leave the trauma as an experience or allow the grievances to continue to shape your personality. Be above the past and imagine that mom speaks a completely different love language. And all her grumbling, soups and eternal washing of dishes is the “vocabulary” with which she is trying to tell you: “I love you, daughter.”

Dreams and reality

So, a woman finds out about pregnancy, goes to the doctor, and the study gives a pleasant result: she should expect the birth of a girl. The imagination immediately draws beautiful pictures of friendly relations: mother and daughter will be friends, they will be able to share secrets, and the older one will teach the younger one how to be the most attractive in the world. Unfortunately, when it comes to practice, suddenly the realities begin to diverge from the rosy visions, and the realization comes that the mother does not love her daughter. In psychology, this is especially often associated with growing up.

The older the girl, the higher the likelihood of conflicts. This is due not only to the difference in generations, but also to distinctive character traits. Problems of hormonal changes play a significant role, under the influence of which even the most obedient princess becomes obstinate, capricious, and sometimes completely unbearable. Misunderstanding after misunderstanding - and now the conflict becomes so multi-layered that it seems that there is simply no way out of the situation.

Who is who?

Relationships between generations cannot be ideal. Conflict situations arise in the process of interaction between people - this is a completely normal phenomenon. When it is possible to build a productive dialogue between the elders and the younger ones, this family can be called a dream come true, but it very often happens that the older one forgets about her role, considering herself more of a friend than a mentor - and over time this develops into such a complication of problems that that you can’t do without the advice of a psychologist. The mother does not love her daughter because she does not see respect from her, but the loss of authority occurs solely through the fault of the parent, who behaves more like a sister.

Of course, in any situation there are pros and cons. For the described relationship, the main advantage is trust, which both representatives of the fair sex can boast of, but at the same time competition appears. The object of competition is father's love and affection, close relationship with brother. Children do not receive the attention they deserve from their mother, and the daughter feels that she needs to prove that she is worthy of love.

The fruits of maternal dislike

People with unloved child syndrome find it difficult to build relationships with a partner in adulthood. Anyone whose mother was cold and distant always doubts that he can be loved
. He does not feel interesting, so he is sure that others are also indifferent. Such people constantly demand proof of love from their loved ones.

tyronelaw.com

A person who was treated rudely, humiliated, and physically abused by his mother as a child finds it difficult to trust others

.
He may consider himself inferior
and undeserving of love.
He has a lot of anger
at people. According to Anna Khidiryan, adult children of aggressive mothers are often prone to violence because they do not know any other way to be in a relationship. Or, not wanting to be like their mother, they avoid aggression - and often find themselves in the position of a victim, unable to stand up for themselves.

huffpost.com

If the mother clearly prefers other children, the rejected child develops self-doubt

. Having become accustomed to competing for his mother’s attention or, conversely, having lost all hope of winning her favor, he will behave in a similar way with others in adult life. “Such a person, for example, will be sensitive to the fact that management is more favorable towards other employees. Therefore, he will either begin to curry favor or refuse healthy competition with colleagues,” says the psychologist.

People traumatized in childhood by maternal overprotection often end up in codependent relationships. They have not learned to separate themselves from others, so they do not understand their feelings and desires well.

. They are perplexed by the question: “Do I want this myself or was it imposed on me?”

flytothesky.ru

“For every young child, mother is a mirror

Therefore, it is extremely important that he receives an empathic response, love, and age-appropriate care.
Through the mother, the child understands what he is like, whether other people are friendly to him, how friendly the world is to him in general,” explains Anna Khidiryan.
If the mother did not give adequate feedback, he grows up hungry for love.

Human. In a partner, he is looking for a “mother” - someone who agrees to take care, protect, be affectionate and gentle, and constantly say: “I love you.”

It is difficult for unloved sons and daughters to build relationships “as equals.” They live in constant anxiety that they will stop loving them, betray them, or exchange them for someone more worthy.

. The most ordinary situation can cause great excitement. For example, the partner did not answer the phone call. A woman without a love deficit will think that her husband is busy at work and will try to contact him later or will calmly wait for him to call back. And a woman who was not saturated with her mother’s love in childhood will immediately be overwhelmed by panic (“He left me!”) or strong anger (“He must always be in touch!”).

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Ideals: are they achievable?

Having long studied why mothers don't love their daughters, psychology suggests looking for the roots of the problems in some cases in what one generation expects from the next. It so happens that many women, when giving birth to a child, immediately imagine his life path, the specific character of the child and his capabilities. As they grow up, they methodically integrate the girl into this scenario, but it does not always suit a real person, and discrepancies begin with the invented image. From year to year they become more significant.

If a mother has come up with an ideal for herself and is trying to embody it in her child, it is difficult to deny her good intentions - but the result is not the best, and the child begins to wonder why the mother does not love her daughter and what to do in such a situation. Others try to adapt to the expectations of their elders, but this is not always possible - sometimes they are too high. As a rule, a woman distinguished by such behavior is unreasonably demanding, so any efforts of the child are wasted: it is impossible to become an ideal.

Grandma is the best

Some families are faced with the fact that the child loves his grandmother more than his mother. This happens especially often if the baby has a lot of contact with her or even lives alone with his grandmother. In such a situation, jealousy on the part of the toddler’s mother cannot be avoided.

The problem is that in our time, few people can afford to quit their jobs and devote themselves entirely to raising a child. The situation becomes especially complicated if the toddler does not have a father and all concern for his well-being falls on the mother’s shoulders. It’s good if your mother or mother-in-law is nearby, ready to help. So it turns out that the baby spends days on end with his grandmother, while his mother spins like a “squirrel in a wheel.”

A woman becomes very upset when she realizes that she is no longer the most beloved person in her child’s life. But this is a natural process that the child gets used to his grandmother and now it is her who asks for advice, asks for help, hugs and cuddles.

Because of work, parents may not be home much. Some mothers run away even before the baby wakes up and return when he is already asleep. It is not surprising that the child becomes weaned from it, and all love is redirected to the person who is constantly nearby, spends time with him, plays.

The mother must understand that the current circumstances are dictated by the necessity of life, if possible, try to spend more time with the child, even if she comes home late from work. You can read a fairy tale to your child or just have a heart-to-heart talk with him, hug the child, support him in his endeavors, and rejoice at his successes. It's important to find time in your schedule. A mother and a toddler should have joint activities or some kind of traditions. It is important that the baby does not feel abandoned, because there are often cases when, precisely for this reason, he redirects all his feelings to his grandmother, who does not abandon him and is always nearby.

Who should I be?

Psychologists, telling why mothers do not love their daughters, describe numerous situations of role reversal. This happens when a woman becomes a mother, who, due to her age or character, is not yet ready for such responsibility, and as soon as she has the opportunity, she shifts everything onto the shoulders of the child. The woman behaves as if she were a child herself, and the girl, willy-nilly, has to try to be an adult. Thus, the daughter loses the opportunity to live her childhood normally, and the eldest constantly feels guilty for what is happening.

Another situation is also possible: the girl is gradually growing up, but the mother does not want to accept what is happening and resists reality in every possible way. Among the reasons identified in psychology for why mothers do not love their daughters, special attention is paid to this particular situation. Despite the child’s age, the woman still perceives her as small, takes care of her in every possible way and does not allow her to live her own life. Neither the eldest nor the youngest in such conditions get the opportunity to build a personal life, get involved in interesting things or comprehend new things.

What to do, how to react

Choose words taking into account the age characteristics of the child. You must understand that at a very young age it is still difficult for a toddler to control his anger, you should not expect good behavior, he still does not realize what he is doing. Take into account what kind of vocabulary your baby has; your explanation about the wrongness of his actions should be constructive and concise. Your task is to explain that the child’s statements are unpleasant and even painful for you. A child over three years old will have to explain for a long time the wrongness of such an act, and perhaps more than once.
Leave the right of choice to the child, let him decide for himself whether it is worth saying offensive words or not. Tell your offspring that you love him, even if he treats you that way.
If once again a phrase of hatred was uttered, describe to your baby how you feel and what you think he is feeling now. Help him understand his own feelings.
When you first hear that your son or daughter doesn’t love you, carefully analyze the current situation, think about what provoked such words, what went wrong.
Establish certain rules in the family, together with the child, negotiate this or that punishment for a specific type of disobedience. The baby must be prepared for what will follow this or that action. In addition, it is important that his opinion is taken into account when making decisions.
If you hear such a statement, you need to react calmly and not take it personally. You need to continue to think that you are a great mother, and these words were said by the baby in a fit of anger.
If, after analyzing your actions, you see that you were indeed wrong, realize that everyone makes mistakes. Next time you see yourself differently.
If a child tries to manipulate with his words, think about where he got the stereotype of such behavior. Perhaps you yourself often manipulate, for example, with your dad.
Don’t forget to show your love to your baby, show your tenderness and care. He must feel wanted.
Give your child as much of your time as possible, engage in creativity, play, go for a walk together.

So what should I do?

Regardless of why a mother does not love her daughter in a particular situation, steps must be taken to repair the relationship. If you manage to eliminate the conflict situation, gradually many years of acquaintance and a feeling of affection will do their job - for many, sincere love arises. Of course, everything depends on the depth of the conflict situation and the character traits of its participants; however, it is always wiser to try to achieve a positive result than to come to terms with problems within the family. Even if it seems to one of the parties to the conflict that the situation does not cause any inconvenience to the other, in fact both are suffering from what is happening.

The older the girl, the easier it is to make adjustments to the relationship, and the child quickly realizes the mother’s desire to take part in correcting the relationship. The main thing is not to patronize the child too much, restrain your irritation and allow the girl to live her own life. It must be remembered that it will not be possible to re-educate an already grown daughter; she has the right to make mistakes and make her own choices, make decisions and take responsibility for them.

Sometimes everything is very difficult

It happens that the situation in the family is conflicting, and it is not possible to clearly understand why the mother does not love her daughter. It would seem that the child is doing everything possible to please the elder, and there is absolutely nothing to complain about. At times, the woman reacts to this with praise, showering the girl with gifts - but everything changes in an unpredictable way and the child turns into a “kikimora” and a “slob.” The changeability of maternal mood is one of the big problems for families of our time.

Often the child notices that the mother does not want to see his success, and even as he grows up the situation does not change. The older one is dissatisfied with how the younger one builds her life and what kind of people she chooses for this. Many turn to a psychologist, asking why and why the mother does not love her daughter, how is this possible, should we admit that this is really the case, or is it necessary to change something in ourselves, break our personality in order to somehow please the parent.

Psychology of a mother's lack of love for her daughter

The love of a mother for her daughter - it would seem that what could be stronger in this world? Every woman with a developed maternal instinct cannot imagine life without her child.

But sometimes there really are situations when a mother experiences real hostility towards her own daughter. Why is this happening? Psychologists name two main reasons for this behavior.

Feeling of competition

A common reason why a mother does not love her daughter is banal jealousy of the head of the family. Fathers tend to pay more attention to their children. Wives get less. When a child appears in a family, competition arises. But in normal families this does not cross the line.

The Oedipus complex also plays a big role in this. Its essence lies in the fact that a child always loves the parent of the opposite sex more: a son loves his mother, a daughter loves his father. Moreover, the older children become, the more noticeable this is. The action of this complex begins from the age of 3.

Therefore, competition arises between the daughter and mother for the attention of the head of the family.

Projecting one's own complexes onto the child

A daughter will always be younger and fresher than her mother. Therefore, it is a reminder of age for a woman. If the mother has complexes about this, then this becomes a reason for hostility towards the young girl.

A child may be more successful in something that the mother is unable to do. This can also cause negative emotions.

Basic Prerequisites

Since the discussions on the topic of why mothers do not love their daughters, but love their sons, as well as those devoted to situations in which a mother does not love any child in principle, are literally endless, a book devoted to this issue was published. Its authors tried to systematize the most common cases and situations, and on their basis identified four main causes of the phenomenon.

Finding out why a mother loves her son more than her daughter, psychologists have found that most often the reason is related to the relationship between parents. A woman does not love the man she has chosen, but she does not want to leave him or is afraid, and she takes out the bad mood and the evil associated with this on the child. She can beat her child from an early age, it is unlikely that she will ever pamper him, much less appreciate him properly. For her, the child is just the embodiment of that hated man who entered her life. This often happens when a marriage is concluded due to a woman’s unplanned pregnancy.

Psychologists urge: you should not become the wife of someone who does not inspire respect and love. All family members will suffer from such a situation, and no one will benefit. As Khayyam wrote in his unforgettable works, being alone is incomparably better than being with someone random and inappropriate.

Dad is the main thing in life

There are families in which the child loves the father more than the mother. Moreover, this does not depend on the gender of the baby.

In most families, the father scolds the child much less often and puts forward fewer prohibitions. This is due to the fact that he manages to spend very little time with his offspring, and the father does not want to disrupt the relationship or cause tears in the child’s eyes.
In families in which only the father works and the mother stays at home with the baby, there may be a feeling that the child loves the head of the family more. In fact, this is dictated by the fact that mom is always nearby, and the baby manages to miss dad.
Fathers love to pamper their children and try to give them gifts for any occasion.

Every day, when my brother returns from work, he brings some sweets or small gifts for his daughter.

An adult man often behaves like a child. This is what allows you to establish a closer relationship with your offspring.
The son likes to spend more time with his father; together they can play with cars, go go-karting, run around with a ball in the yard, and shoot at the shooting range. They have many common interests.
Dad will not play with toys with his daughter, but will take even greater care of the little princess, will try to fulfill her every whim, will protect her from mother’s punishments, will always support her, and will have a heart-to-heart talk. Some girls behave like tomboys, so they will happily play boyish games with dad.

I'll tell you about myself. My parents divorced when I was not yet eight years old. Most of all I loved spending time with my dad. It was interesting to play with him, go hiking, listen to his stories. Now I understand that mom had to have time to run to work, do chores, cook food for everyone, and dad, when he came home, could devote all his time to the children. After the divorce, my father moved to live in another city, it became much harder for my mother, she had to raise me and my brother on her own feet, she was forced to work three jobs to feed us. Therefore, she had no time left at all to be close, even just to talk or hug.

Often dad's actions contradict mom's educational process. It is difficult for a father to forbid his child to do what he wants. So it turns out that mom is categorically against it when dad allows everything. This is how the father earns his authority in the eyes of the younger generation. The end result is that dad only needs one word for the baby to obey him, but mom doesn’t have a thousand reasons to achieve this goal.

How to change the situation

How to behave so that the little one’s love for you is no less than for dad:

try to scold your child less, do not forget to praise him, your praise, even for any reason, will stimulate the child to commit new good deeds;
treat your child as an equal, ask for advice, listen to his wishes;
stop categorically prohibiting someone from doing something, try to justify your decision to the child, give reasons;
find time to communicate with your baby, no matter how busy you are, no doubt, mom has to work a lot at home, but you can do joint cleaning or cook dinner together, go shopping and let the baby buy and pay for the goods himself, such manifestations as the basis of trust will be highly appreciated by the baby;
always answer your child’s questions, spend time with him, talk, explain the topic of interest, don’t push him away;
In case of some disobedience, there is no need to immediately punish, try to understand the situation, put yourself in the child’s place, perhaps his action is quite justified, then there is no need to scold. But it is precisely situations like these, when the mother punishes for no reason, that provoke the appearance of the first words of dislike or hatred towards her.

Now you know what can cause such behavior in children. Do not forget about the need to calmly react and think about the situation that has arisen. Act correctly, in accordance with the above recommendations, build a stable bridge of communication with your child, do not forget to pay attention to him, communicate as equals, show your love and care.

What a life, such are the children

It often happens that both the child and the mother are unhappy, and the older one takes it out on the younger one for an unfair situation, and the child can only wonder why and why the mother does not love her daughter. Psychologists know that this phenomenon is more often observed in families where the mother raises the child alone - the so-called single mother. However, this condition is not at all mandatory. So, finding herself the wife of a heavy drunkard, the woman will also be unhappy, and with her the child, whose head will be hit by maternal discontent.

Children are weak and cannot protect themselves; pain, hatred and resentment can be poured onto them. Hard work, unsuccessful personal life, everyday problems, poor conditions and problematic neighbors - the child is to blame for all this. He gets it from an early age, in every way - both with evil words and physical punishment. How many tears children shed because of punishments that they perceive as unfair. If it is precisely because of this that the mother does not love her daughter, the consequences can be very different: from conflicts and the child moving at the first opportunity to the escape of a minor and an attempt (terrifyingly often - successful) suicide.

Mother! Are you a mother?

Sometimes it happens that a woman in a family is expected to love her child and take care of him, but the instinct that regulates all this does not wake up. This happens more often if a very young woman gives birth to a child. It is known that much more often it is early girls who are faced with a misunderstanding of why a mother does not love her daughter. In psychology, this phenomenon is explained by the infantilism of the elder. The woman, as people say, “hasn’t had her fill yet.” She simply does not understand that a child is not a toy or a doll, which was recently in the hands of a new parent.

Such mothers communicate with their children as if they had a new toy in their hands. They play as long as they want, but when they get tired, they leave. They go about their business without thinking about the fate of the child, communicate little with the child and do not devote time to him. In such a situation of absolute indifference, the child is lucky if there is a loving grandmother, but this does not always happen.

“Mom doesn’t love me” - why do such thoughts arise?

It is necessary to figure out what manifestations and actions of the parent make you think this way. What exactly does she not do or does not do as she would like? After what words of hers does the feeling of unlove intensify? Do you feel this all the time or do the thoughts arise from time to time? There are several most common factors called those children (regardless of age) who experience dissatisfaction with their mother's attitude.

Mother's emotional coldness

Day after day and year after year, the mother is not interested in the child’s affairs, does not care about him, pushes him away at moments of manifestation of feelings, is focused only on herself or on formal external signs of well-being (“fed, dressed, the diary is signed” - what else is needed?) , too busy with her career, making money, and her personal life. A typical scene: parents picking up their children after school (school, kindergarten, etc.), not looking up from the phone, a child rushing with his childhood victories (or defeats), and... Nothing. "Not now. Went!".

Of course, this is possible. But if this is repeated systematically, then the son or daughter will first try to attract attention to themselves with negative actions, and then that same sacramental thought will come to their mind: “My mother doesn’t love me!”

This may be an illusion: perhaps the parents are tired, exhausted, in a difficult situation, sick, forced to work 24 hours a day to support the child, literally fighting for survival, developing a business, or engrossed in solving an extremely important scientific problem. And they love the child, but they simply don’t have the strength to show it. Or their upbringing forces them to be extremely restrained - that’s what they were taught. This doesn’t make it any easier for children, but from a certain age they will be able to understand the difficulties in their parents’ lives if they try to explain them.

Mother's dislike may be a reality. Indeed, not all women are able to experience love and sincere acceptance for their children due to the fact that:

the son or daughter was unwanted;
the child reminds of his father who offended his mother;
inherited this attitude from their parents;
“frozen” after severe emotional trauma.

Emotional coldness can be caused by narcissism, egocentrism of the parent, the presence of addictions, a borderline psychological state, and a number of diseases.

Criticism, accusations

Constant hypercontrol, focusing on the child’s mistakes and weaknesses, scolding and punishment for any mistake causes a strong belief that my mother does not love me. This attitude can last a lifetime. And already a 40-year-old daughter or son, constantly hearing from the mother: “I told you... Why are you so unlucky... Others have children like children, but I have 33 misfortunes... Where are you going with your... (waist, brains, appearance , character, genetics – emphasize what is necessary)”, they get used to being devalued.

There may be various factors behind the criticism:

excessive anxiety, fear for the fate of the child;
traditions of family education according to the principle “hitting means loving”;
dissatisfaction with one’s own life, spilling over onto loved ones;
neurosis;
and even elementary envy (of course, rarely realized).

Mother openly expresses her dislike

This also happens. A woman can directly tell her children or one of them that she cannot love them.

In some cases this is true, in others such words are shouted out in a state of hysteria, a nervous breakdown and burn the child for life like acid.

Having children does not “automatically” trigger feelings for them. Although caring for offspring is natural for a person, this does not guarantee that 100% of parents will have feelings.

Mom cares more about other children

In such a situation, it is extremely important to understand what is more in the sensations: childish jealousy or an objective reflection of reality. Since the beginning of centuries, it seems to the elders that the younger ones are being pampered, and they, in turn, are offended that they are not taken seriously and are paid less attention. Daughters are jealous of mothers for their sons, and they are offended that “girls” have a special closeness to each other. Children from a previous and current marriage may feel differently in the family.

In healthy family systems, each child is loved differently. And this is natural, because they see him as a unique personality and try to give him exactly what he needs most. Indeed, a mother may be more preoccupied with one of her children if he:

sick;
born with developmental problems;
got into a difficult situation;
is far away;
weaker and more sensitive, etc.

But there are times when, for no apparent reason, a mother’s love is distributed unevenly. Once, at an appointment with a psychologist, a 60-year-old lady said that out of four sons from one father, she loved two, but was indifferent to the others. And he feels guilty for this throughout his life. As a child, her sons even asked her if they were all related, although they were very similar to each other. How else could you understand and explain to yourself that your mother doesn’t love you?

If anyone but me?

If you think about why mothers don’t love their daughters from their first marriage, the answer usually seems obvious: they draw parallels between the child and the father with whom they separated, which means the memories remain bad. A woman is trying to start her life from scratch, but the child is always nearby, like a living reminder of the mistakes she has made. But the situation is not always explained in such a simple way. Perhaps the cause of all the problems is the narcissism of the older woman, convinced that the world should revolve around her. Often it is from such women that men run away, despite having a child together, who has to endure the nature of the parent.

Some women firmly believe that the world exists to satisfy their needs. They believe that the people around them are created to serve them, and this applies to their own children. For such a mother, it may be normal to raise a hand to the child or to mock her morally, and if in addition to the girl there is also a boy, it may be clear to explain why the mother loves her son more - as long as the daughter realizes her insignificance and is ready to extol and praise the parent, who is superior to her in everything .

Mothers of this type can explain the existence of children only as an object to serve their interests - that is why they give birth to them. If the child does not provide help, he should not be disturbed and show himself as little as possible. Of course, children growing up in such conditions are sure that they were born in vain. They consider themselves inferior and often live their entire lives alone.

Causes and consequences, signs and manifestations

Motherhood in the heads of many has become a kind of cliche, a phenomenon about which there is nothing to talk about - everyone knows that it contains tenderness, and any mother is a source of affection. For many, the word has turned into a metaphor, which hides a caring attitude towards another. But even children from normal families, who have nothing in common with those considered dysfunctional, often know from their own experience what happens if a mother does not love her daughter. In psychology, signs of such an attitude are excessive pickiness, moral and physical aggression. In reality, everything is simpler: the child feels unhappy, while the parent, although she provides the child with everything he needs, does not experience any positive emotions towards him.

Even just saying out loud the assumption that the mother does not love her daughter is very difficult - the combination of these words hurts the ear, and the situation, as it seems, cannot be observed in a normal family. In fact, this does not just happen, but all the time, but both the elders and the younger ones carefully hide from outsiders what is happening at home. And yet you need to understand that the lack of maternal love will play a role in the girl’s future life, affect her relationships and the ability to become a good mother herself.

Where and how?

Sometimes, at an appointment with a psychologist, a teenager (or even an adult) says openly: “I don’t want to love my mother.” This can be explained by the parent’s desire to teach everything and guide them in everything. It seems to children that their mother considers herself the smartest and most experienced, but at the same time she makes mistakes in everyday life, which is why the child begins to consider herself more significant and supposedly older. However, this is a classic generational conflict associated with the age gap. A child is always more modern, he is close to the latest technologies and lifestyle, reality. The mother's upbringing took place in a different era, which affected the views and principles absorbed by her. It is very difficult to adapt; for many it is easier to ignore the presence of new trends in principle, rather than try to change their way of thinking and behavior to suit them. Of course, this becomes a constant cause for conflict. The older generation refuses to understand the children, imposes their opinions and views, their way of acting, while the younger generation takes their parents for backward and unmodern, considers themselves smarter, and sometimes even begins to be ashamed of their mother. Well, how can you love someone with whom you feel shame?

If a daughter does not love her mother, a psychologist can tell her what to do, having found out what the roots of the problem are. It is noted that many women dislike their parents, blaming them for their unhappy personal lives. It seems as if it was my mother who was the person who prevented me from becoming a married lady. As a rule, such complaints are characteristic of children who were too well watched, protected and cared for. All peers have been married for a long time, raising their children, but the good girl or mama’s boy is still alone, living with their parents, depending on them and not knowing how to do anything on their own.

Love and its absence

They say that a mother does not love her child if there is no attempt on the part of the parent to become emotionally close to the child. Such a woman is distant, cold and puts pressure on the younger one, suppressing him. To some extent it becomes emotional abuse. Very often you can see families in which the eldest woman is absolutely indifferent to the one she gave birth to. Two people do not trust each other, the girl cannot come to her mother and tell her about her difficulties, she cannot count on support and understanding, empathy and help in the current situation. From the outside it is almost impossible to see this; it seems to others that the family is exemplary, especially if life is going well and the child grows up docile.

In public, a mother can praise her child, and everyone she knows will probably know about her daughter’s success. This kind of praise is more hypocrisy than the real thoughts of an adult. As soon as external observers disappear from sight, the woman will stop paying attention to the girl, does not appreciate her successes or underestimates her abilities, and during personal interaction puts pressure in every possible way (often unconsciously), which affects self-esteem. The daughter turns into a victim, who from a young age perceives the surrounding society through the habit of cruelty. For such a child, at first indifference seems to be the norm, although over time an understanding comes that this situation does not exist in all families. At the same time, the child begins to feel that he was treated unfairly.

Unloved daughters: 7 characteristic signs

In infancy and childhood, a child forms an idea of himself based on how his mother treats him. The mother's face is the first mirror in which he catches his reflection. If the mother is loving and accepting, the child learns that he is loved and that he can be loved. He understands that he is significant and valuable, he is seen and heard. This understanding becomes the foundation on which the child builds a self-image that gives him the opportunity to grow and develop.

Daughters of unloving mothers—emotionally closed, reserved, unstable, critical, and cruel—receive different information about themselves and the world around them. All this results in an insecure attachment, which can be ambivalent (the child does not know what kind of mother will be today - good or bad) or avoidant (the daughter wants the love of her mother, but is afraid to seek this love). Ambivalent attachment shows the child that the world and relationships with other people are unreliable; the avoidant type leads to a conflict between the daughter's need for maternal love and the need to protect herself from emotional and physical abuse, the source of which is the mother.

The type of attachment forms an internal representation or mental image of how relationships between people work. Without psychotherapeutic intervention, this idea is very stable and persists throughout life.

The daughter's need for maternal love is the most important driving force, which does not fade away just because the child cannot receive it. It coexists with the terrible, destructive understanding that the person who should love and accept unconditionally did not do so. Trying to heal and cope with this situation deserves respect.

The type of attachment established between mother and daughter has been proven to influence the daughter's romantic and friendly relationships in adulthood. The wounds that remain in adult daughters affect their relationships with themselves and with the outside world. It is worth considering them not at all in order to once again blame unloving mothers and feel sorry for their daughters. The main reason for this is the need to recognize and understand how a toxic mother influenced you, and what you can do to get rid of this influence. Too often we simply accept this or that behavior in ourselves without knowing where it comes from.

Lack of self-confidence

The unloved daughter of an unloving mother does not realize that she can be loved and that she is worthy of attention, since her mother rejected her, did not hear her, or criticized her at the slightest reason. The voice in her head belongs to her mother and tells her that she is not smart, not beautiful, not capable of kindness and love, not worthy of love and respect. This inner voice continues to downplay her achievements and talents until some intervention occurs (usually psychotherapy). Such daughters often talk about how they “deceive” other people and are afraid that they will be exposed when they finally, by some miracle, achieve success.

Inability to trust

“I am always surprised and alarmed when someone tries to be friends with me. I always expect a trick, some kind of malicious intent. It was only during psychotherapy that I realized that this was connected with my mother,” admits one woman. This feeling of mistrust of the world stems from the feeling that relationships are inherently insecure, which inevitably affects friendships or romantic connections. Ambivalent attachment forces the adult daughter to constantly check the reliability of the relationship and demand guarantees from her partner or close friends. They crave all-consuming mutual love with emotional ups and downs with bouts of jealousy and violent sex. The inability to trust has a lot to do with the inability to set boundaries.

Inability to set boundaries

Many daughters who seek the love of their mothers and do not find it report that in adult relationships they strive to please. Another possibility is that they are unable to set the boundaries that are integral to healthy and satisfying relationships. Many unloved daughters report an inability to maintain close relationships with friends due to trust issues (“What guarantee is there that she won’t betray me?”) and an inability to say “No” (“Every time I realize that I’m becoming some kind of wimp ", agreeing to do anything for the sake of maintaining the illusion of peace in a relationship. As a result, I understand that I am investing too much in this relationship and that I myself am disappointed in it"). In addition, such women tend to seek such close and all-consuming relationships that it scares away other people.

Misconception about yourself

One woman shares what she learned about herself during therapy: “When I was a child, my mother always focused on my mistakes and shortcomings, not paying attention to my achievements. After college, I had several jobs, each of which had managers telling me I wasn't trying hard enough. Only then did I realize that I was limiting myself by adopting my mother’s view of me and my place in this world.” This is about internalizing what you heard about yourself as a child. Distortions of self-image can extend to all areas of life, including our appearance. Many unloved daughters say that they are surprised when they succeed at something. In addition, they tend to be afraid to try something new due to fear of failure. And this is not just a matter of low self-esteem, the problem lies much deeper.

Avoidant position

Lack of self-confidence and fear of rejection puts the unloved daughter in an avoidant position. She avoids relationships out of fear that they will cause her pain, and has little faith that she can have a stable relationship in which there will be love and trust. On the surface, these women act as if they want a relationship, but on a deeper unconscious level, their main motivator is avoidance. Unfortunately, this prevents her from building the close, trusting relationships she has always sought.

Excessive vulnerability and sensitivity

Unloved daughters are sensitive to even a hint of neglect - real or imagined. A casual comment can trigger an avalanche of emotions, triggered by her childhood experiences. “I had to focus on my overreactions. Sometimes I myself figure out what the person meant and bring myself to the point of shaking. In the end, it may turn out that the person did not want to offend me at all,” says one woman. A mother's inability to express her feelings often results in daughters having difficulty managing their emotions: they tend to ruminate too much, spin their thoughts in circles, and focus on negative events.

Building a relationship reminiscent of the relationship with your mother

We strive for what is familiar and understandable to us, for situations that, although they made us unhappy, are “comfortable” precisely because of their familiarity. Entering the big world, people with secure attachments look for people with a similar type of attachment; unfortunately, people with adverse childhood experiences do the same. Unconsciously, they reproduce the relationship they had with their mother with their partner. “It’s like I married my mother. In appearance it seemed that he was completely different from her, but it all ended with him treating me exactly the same as she. I never knew what to expect from him: he was sometimes indifferent, sometimes attentive, sometimes critical, sometimes supportive,” says the woman who eventually divorced not only her husband, but also her mother.

Original article: Peg Streep, — Daughters of Unloving Mothers: 7 Common Wounds, Better Help, April 2013

Translation: Eliseeva Margarita Igorevna

Editor: Simonov Vyacheslav Mikhailovich

Key words: motherhood, parents, children, adult children, personal boundaries, psychotherapy, psychology

Photo source: unsplash.com

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Unloved daughters. 7 characteristic signs

Does anything need to change?

As the child grows up, he begins to think about the reasons for his mother’s dislike and the possibility of changing his life. As a rule, such thoughts come to mind belatedly, usually after moving from the birthplace. True, the period of life with parents is the most important, because it is during this time that human thinking is formed and personal development occurs. Since girls ask questions about the causes and consequences of relationships with their mothers belatedly, at some point they understand that a huge bunch of problems remain from childhood, caused by psychological and emotional traumas. A girl who once tried to understand why her mother doesn’t love her extrapolates this attitude to everyone around her and soon convinces herself that no one will love her.

The consequence of a lack of love on the part of the mother is a lack of self-confidence and an inability to accept the love of others. The woman becomes distrustful and at the same time unhappy. It is very difficult for her to enter into competition and sensibly evaluate her positive qualities - and this interferes with her ability to function in society and build a career. In addition, such a girl will be inclined to take everything very seriously.

What should I do if my mother doesn't love me?

Awareness of the reasons why parents did not give the child the feelings and care that he wanted to receive helps to accept the situation. But that's only half the story. It is important to learn to live happily with this, to build your own trajectory of comfortable development and well-being.

Get rid of guilt

The most important thing is to understand that the mother’s feelings have nothing to do with the child’s real personality. She doesn’t love him (or cannot show feelings in an adequate form, does not demonstrate love) not because the child is somehow “different.” But because she is like that: cold, without warmth, traumatized, selfish, tired, etc. It is not the children's fault that they ended up with these parents. They cannot change their mothers, they should not be responsible for their behavior, condition and feelings.

An ancient prayer says: “Lord, give me the strength to change what I can change, the patience to accept what cannot be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish between these two cases!” The absence of love or its manifestations is a situation where a child will never be able to fix anything. You can try to establish a relationship with the mother who she is, or you can distance yourself from her. But there is no point in banging your head against this blank wall throughout your life. It is much wiser to focus on becoming happy and loving your children. Parents can change their lives, and even then with their high awareness. It makes no sense to take on children (even if they are already adults) this unbearable burden.

Try to forgive your mother

To forgive does not mean to justify. You had a right to your childhood feelings. To forgive is, in a sense, to come to terms with the fact that - yes, this happened in your life, you had just such a mother and a not entirely cloudless childhood. The worst thing that can gradually destroy a person’s personality, poisoning his adult years, is the unconscious hope that no, mommy will love me (or show her love in the right form).

You need to tell yourself once and for all: “I don’t/didn’t receive the love I expected in childhood. This cannot be changed. But I am quite capable of making my life happy if I take this fact into account objectively, as input data when solving a problem.”

And then anger, resentment, self-deprecation, grief and other difficult feelings can be replaced with something positive:

understanding (she herself did not receive love as a child);
regret (I was sick, fought with all my might, was injured);
respect (did not love, but did not give up responsibility, fulfilled her duty);
warmth (I loved, but could not or did not know how to express it the way I wanted);
gratitude (I didn’t love, but I gave what I could);
light humor, for example, when criticizing (“well, mothers are like that... mothers”);
awareness (“she couldn’t change her family attitudes, but I have enough time and resources for my children to be raised differently”);
calm (“yes, it happened, but I don’t play the victim anymore, I have my own way”).

A parent who is unable to love his child or open his feelings to him loses much more than the child. The lack of warmth in the heart cripples a person’s life and soul, just like in the fairy tale about the Snow Queen. This can be understood and even regretted, but you should not participate in such a plot any further.

Don't try to "get" love

Love for children is an unconditional feeling; it is not determined by the qualities of the person to whom it is directed. It is completely determined by what is (or is not) in the soul, life scenario and personality of the mother herself.

Therefore, the idea “I’ll become even more... (cooler, richer, more attentive, more successful, more beautiful, etc.), and my mother will love me” is extremely destructive. Such thoughts will ruin your life, but will not give you the feelings you want from your parents.

In the same way, conscious or unconscious desires to harm yourself are toxic so that your parents will repent and understand that they are to blame for you. Perhaps they will bring a gift to the prison (or flowers to the cemetery - depending on the degree of enthusiasm for the idea of \u200b\u200b“punishing” the parents). But you definitely won’t be able to build your own happy and comfortable life on the foundation of such motives.

Love yourself, enjoy your own successes

The only reasonable step is to stop looking for ideal maternal love and achieve it with all your might. It is important to focus on filling psychological deficits, voids formed due to a lack of affection and care in childhood.

“Everyone is their own loving mother” is not an Internet meme at all, but a responsible position of a healthy adult.

A formed, mature person will be able to figure out how to make up for or at least compensate for what was not received in childhood.

You need to learn your “love language” and “fill your cup” (terminology from the famous book by Garry Chapman) with what you need:

there weren’t enough warm words - every positive step in life can be accompanied by recognition: “Who’s great? I'm done!";
you haven’t received physical affection – it makes sense to pamper yourself with a massage, a soft blanket, hugs from friends, the purring of a cat at your side, a buzz in a water park (or any other healthy way);
little attention and time that the mother spent with the child - reflection, analysis of one’s own personality, quality time alone with oneself or in the excellent warm company of loved ones will fill with happiness;
a child grew up in poor living conditions, without care and protection - an adult will be able to organize reasonable nutrition, a cozy home and a favorite cup of the best coffee in the world;
there were no gifts in childhood - a conscious person will give himself the whole world.

Try to achieve independence and minimize contact with your mother

Separation from parents, “cutting the psychological umbilical cord” is a mandatory stage in human development. But for those who are “stuck” in resentment over their mother’s dislike and frantic attempts to achieve it, it can be extremely difficult to go into an independent life. And we’re not even talking about separate living here. You can go to the North Pole, but be dependent on your mother. It is important to recognize yourself as a separate, free and responsible person for your life.

There can be no feeling of guilt for increasing your distance by separating yourself from toxic parents. If there is a need to take care of them, then this can be done without “getting involved” in a destructive showdown.

See a Psychotherapist

For help in rethinking your relationship with your mother and resolving internal conflicts associated with this, it makes sense to contact a qualified psychologist. When choosing him, you need to pay attention to the fact that he works with this topic and has experience in it. The specialist acts confidentially and without judgment. He will neither judge nor pity you, but will completely direct your attention to how you can be happy, regardless of your mother’s love/dislike. Teenagers can get this support from a crisis center or from a psychologist at school.

Yes, there is a chance that in difficult situations it will not be possible to fully compensate for the trauma inflicted in the parent-child relationship. But it’s better to make every effort and become 80% happy and prosperous (if we correctly assume such a scale), than to cry over your own “lack of comfort” until retirement, tormented by the question “why my mother doesn’t love me.” The main task is not to continue to grieve or rebel against this circumstance in life, but to realize your deficits and fill yourself with love and happiness from other sources. And then your children will have a warm, caring, gentle and wise father and mother.

And how to get out of the circle of problems?

A simple attempt to understand why there is no maternal love is unlikely to lead to anything good. An unloved child only sinks deeper into the awareness of his shortcomings and their significance. Even having found out why this happens in a particular case, it is difficult, if not impossible, to change something in yourself - after all, parents cannot be chosen and corrected.

Finding yourself in such a situation, having realized your mother’s dislike, you must try to eliminate the habit of pleasing your mother from your everyday life, and also begin to work on understanding your own positive personal characteristics.

Sooner or later, an unloved girl can also become a mother. If this happens, you need to be able to maintain a balance: not to repeat the mistakes of which she was a victim in childhood, but also not to love the child too much, not allowing him to take a step without parental control. The best option is a course of psychological support that helps solve the problem of relationships with the mother, and when planning a pregnancy and soon after childbirth, communication with a family psychotherapist who will help build a correct and healthy relationship with your child.

Relevance of the issue

If in childhood the child did not really love his mother and little has changed in adulthood, sooner or later the problem can lead to an explosion - and then some turn to a family psychologist. Unfortunately, such behavior is not yet generally accepted, and much more often people live next to each other, maintaining conflict. Psychologists say that this is more typical of women - ladies argue and quarrel, conflict, but cannot distance themselves, because this is condemned by society. Literally every action becomes the cause of anger, quarrels, and scandals that flare up at home become an unconscious attempt to convey to another your negative feelings, which cannot be said directly. Moreover, during periods of calm, the thought “I don’t love my mother” doesn’t even come to mind.

Admitting a lack of love for the woman who gave birth to you is extremely problematic, not only out loud, but also silently. This is especially difficult for girls - most are firmly convinced that the whole problem is only in them. Such children are convinced that they love their mother, they believe in good and strong family ties, they understand that their main purpose is to carry out their mother’s whims and orders, proving to all the people around them that they simply could not raise a more responsible child in the family. Usually they admit that they got a mother with a difficult character and shrug their shoulders: what can you do? In the depths of your soul there is a thought about escaping, but you just don’t have enough courage for it, and it’s not accepted, those around you will judge you. Such girls rarely tell anyone about the heaviness in their souls - they cannot reveal to their friends or a psychologist what they are afraid to put into words, even alone with themselves.