The ability to love depends on the ability to free oneself from narcissism, from attachment to mother and clan; it depends on our ability to grow, to develop a creative orientation in our relationships to the world and to ourselves.
Erich Fromm "The Art of Loving"
If a guy or an adult man is overly attached to his mother, has too close a relationship with her, then conflicts with his wife and partner are programmed. Psychologist Roland Kopp-Wichmann is himself a former mama's boy. Mr. Roland deeply researched the psychology of mama's boys and wrote a whole book about them. In this interview, he gives advice on what to do for those women and wives who know such men-boys firsthand.
Disproportionate contact
— What type of men do you classify as mama's boys?
— Mama’s boys, or more precisely, men who never achieved their independence, can be recognized mainly by two signs. First: disproportionate contact with the mother. It is either canceled completely, which is very rare, or it is too frequent and too intense. However, the second point is decisive: the role of the woman in the relationship. With a mama's boy, the wife or partner feels more like a mother to her husband. For example, when he comes home, he expects his partner to take care of him and his nutrition first. No matter how things are going with his wife. Perhaps she had a hard day at work? Mama's boys don't notice this. In addition, such men do not tolerate criticism well. Regardless of what words and phrases the partner “packs” her critical message into, mama’s boys are very vulnerable and immediately feel as if they are being attacked and question the relationship as a whole.
- Does this mean that his mother’s boy will be very dependent on his work?
- Mama's boys can be very competent in their field of activity and can cope well with criticism at work. They perfectly see the difference between a business and a person. But the moment the key is inserted into the keyhole of the home door, a transformation occurs.
My husband's children from his first marriage: why you can't get close to them
Why do problems occur with the husband’s adult children from his first marriage and why a wife should not get close to her husband’s adult children, reasons why you need to keep your distance in a relationship
Late marriages are a problem with the husband’s children from his first marriage . To a greater extent, it is addressed to women who married a man with baggage. The main problem is that the new wife is trying to get closer to her husband’s children , to become related to them, to try to become a close person to them with the best intentions.
And you cannot do this under any circumstances, because all this effort will be wasted. The reasons are detailed below. Of course, ideally, you have a husband and children together. Not ideal, but it’s also not bad when you have a husband, no children of your own, and your husband’s children from his first marriage have become like your own. And it really sucks when you and your husband have children from your first marriages. Let's not be a hypocrite, let's say frankly - your husband's children from another woman will never become closer to your children. Yours will always come first, because they are your flesh and blood, your upbringing, your genes. And, attention, your children will always be better for you! And now, point by point, what mistakes, out of ignorance, out of stupidity, out of too much gullibility, can a woman make if she does not initially decide on her relationship with her new family - her husband’s children from a previous marriage .
Don't love your neighbor
Cognitive dissonance, which destroys the brain, occurs when a husband introduces his children. If you don’t have children of your own, you will simply be curious to evaluate how and in what way your loved one embodied his continuation. And there are a lot of options - love them as your own, treat them like a mother, then give them brothers and sisters, if circumstances permit... And only one option is possible if you also have your own children - do not get close! Do not enter into close relationships under any circumstances, do not allow yourself to be approached, keep your distance, like on ice.
Why? But because you will compare anyway. His children and him. And yours will win this race very quickly. The puzzle here is very easy. You are a new wife, and your husband is with you. So you are better. Accordingly, everything is better for you, you are an improved model. If his former wife had seemed to him the most perfect, he would not have separated from her. And out of naivety, believing in your star and in your theory “I am the best for him,” you automatically believe that he sees how cool your children are, just as cool as you are.
But actually it is not.
And no, he doesn't compare children like you do. He just knows that you have little people who are dear to you, and just out of respect he accepts it. At the same time, he knows one thing about his children - he has them.
Any man, a good family man, a bad father, a wonderful father, a slob father, anyone. He knows that he has children. Daughter, son... And this is practically without emotion. You know that your children are the best (smart, beautiful, talented). And your husband knows about his children that he has them. As a fact. Even if they are morons.
But you, in your zeal for everything to be fine, are nevertheless trying to “create a wonderful relationship” with his children from his first marriage . And, accidentally getting carried away, you allow people to approach you, ATTENTION, who will NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR BEING HAPPY WITH THEIR FATHER .
They, his children from his previous marriage , also have cognitive dissonance. They lie to themselves too. Also - until some difficult moment. And then everything comes out, just like yours.
The only way to keep the situation stable is not to get closer . Have an even and respectful relationship and keep your distance. Do not create false relationships. Don't let your soul into this relationship. Spend your soul only on your husband and your children. It will be more honest.
Because when the storm hits, you will still say (more than once) that your children are normal, and his children are freaks. Or you won’t speak out, but you’ll think about it, which is essentially the same thing.
Don't make his fatherly duty easier for him.
The worst thing that can happen in the relationship YOU-His Children-HE is if you gradually begin to replace him (their father) in communicating with them. Help him with his children. Doing family business, bringing the father closer to them. Arrange joint gatherings with your husband’s children from his first marriage , introduce his children into your life together, especially if he had an estranged relationship with them before you .
It costs a lot of work (see the point above, you have something to do, you have your own children who need your attention), you have a husband, you - probably (!) - also have a job! In any case, an adult, intelligent woman always has a certain range of interests that are familiar and necessary to her. Therefore, all the time that you spend on his children will be marked in your mind as the Difficult and Honorable Duty of a Sacrificial Loving Wife. But it will be (attention!) - only in your perception.
Nobody will appreciate this!
His children will gladly consume your care, but the fact that they become “sort of close” to you does not mean at all that you have become a family member to them. At the same time, no one will notice that you are performing the Difficult and Honorable Duty of a Sacrificial Loving Wife. Children ( his children from his first marriage ) will mistakenly think that it is easy and pleasant for you to communicate with them. He (your husband and their father) will think that this is generally very natural for you... You accept his children, he considers his children to be part of life, and in his opinion, you simply live with him and accept his children who come to visit as due. Your efforts (and you will try, and it will not be easy for you), no one will notice your efforts, believe me. And then, when time H happens, everything will come out.
What's the truth, sister?
But the truth is indifference. Admit it honestly, I am addressing all adult children of adult parents, you are 30, 40, 50, and so on. You live your life, you have wives, husbands, children, friends, work, repairs, neighbors in the country, travel friends and so on. Do you think about your parents a lot? Hourly? You wake up wondering how mom and dad will spend the day today? No! You think about your own affairs, and your parents, from whom you have been living separately for a long time, are yours - either periodic pain, or a duty, or just something bright and pleasant. But! This is very far away, this is occasional... Often only in terms of “I need to call my parents.” In a word, on the topic: “Parents are sacred.” And not at all on the topic: “Almost my whole life depends on how my 60-year-old dad’s day goes today!”
And now about simple things. If you think about your own parents in the frantic flow of life only sometimes and only in terms of duty (human, moral), what can you think about your father’s wife or mother’s husband? And the idea that you will give that notorious glass of water to your father’s wife or mother’s husband, who is not your father or mother at all, seems simply insane. Don't submit 100%! The natural parent would have to submit it and be there on time.
Morality
This is for the wives of those who connected their lives with that person who, by the time of your reunion, already had adult children from his first marriage . Don’t waste your time and soul on his adults and children who have been living separately for a long time. Attention, we are talking about your husband’s adult children , whom you did not raise, but have already met as grown children.
Do only what is dictated by the usual rules of society. Communicate politely, keep your distance. Don't get close, don't sacrifice, don't waste your time, energy, soul. Let him, your husband, take care of himself with his cubs. Do not in any way make it easier for him to communicate with them; let him continue to build relationships with his adult offspring. Let them!
This is someone else’s upbringing, someone else’s genes, you know what lions do by nature - they simply destroy other people’s children so that there is no trace of someone else’s breed. We cannot destroy them, we are too civil, we can simply ignore them. It is cultural to ignore, not to work for them, not to waste your time and energy on them, everything - only within the framework of ordinary etiquette. Why? Because your efforts are in vain. Because for other people's children (for your husband's children from his first marriage ), you will never become a person who should be given a glass of water or a pill. Never!
Have no illusions! Take care of your life, your spouse, your children, finally. What you spend on your husband's children from his first or second wife will never be fully appreciated. Believe me!
Summary
You are a grown lady. We got together with a man who has adult children . Grown-up children perceive their father as a source of income. He gave while they were growing, he gave when they grew up, he gives when they grew up. And then, suddenly, some aunt was nearby. If you, lady, think that these children are worried about dad being happy with you in old age, then you are very, very mistaken. You won’t believe it, they don’t think about dad’s condition at all. About whether it’s good for him, bad for him, what will happen to him later... They generally don’t think about dad in that way. You don’t think that much about your dad either.
Moreover, the lower the intellectual level of the “children,” the less they think about their father’s comfort. And it's not just about intelligence. When you rushed to build relationships with his children , you simply began to treat them well by definition. And they definitely didn’t conduct tests. And no one insured you from the fact that they are also not very rich in brains and morals. And this is a significant deterioration of the situation.
PS and A simple reason why they ( husband’s children from previous marriages ) will not accept you, no matter how hard you try. Because when dad is alone or with their mother, everything that he accumulates in the course of his life will remain with him. And when he is with you, you will already own it, too. And don’t be naive, don’t think that your husband’s adult children didn’t realize exactly this at the moment you appeared in his life.
PPS
Every week for several years, since the publication of this text, unhappy “girls” who got into relationships with
their husband’s children from their first marriages . My counterparts live in different cities and different countries, they all have one thing in common: the husband’s adult children force their father (usually happy in his new marriage) to make the choice “either I/we or her!”, some do it impudently and arrogantly, some do it on the sly , putting pressure on paternal feelings, wanting to save his father from the unwanted madam, WHO DARED TO SEE IN THEIR DAD A MAN WHO DARE TO BELIEVE THAT PERSONAL LIFE EXISTS AT HIS AGE. Of course, this is the selfishness of scum, I’m not even going to choose softer words. And only the weakness of a man, his lack of self-confidence (what if these children still give water later...), makes this situation possible, especially when it is already pretty neglected. My categoricalness is dictated by one thing - knowledge. I was in both this and this situation. I was the “adult daughter of my husband” (dad was remarried), and I was the wife who was overcome by my husband’s adult children . Therefore, girls, keep your distance from these sharks, protect your man and your union from them. Drive these grown-up “nipples” away, and if your man forces you to be close neighbors with them, drive him out of your life too. Don't waste time on him, let him make a decision. They give it to children when they are little, when they really need help. It's not lifelong, it's temporary.
Would you like to discuss your problem with me? Welcome, I'm on Facebook, you can write me a message. You can email me. And also, don't run away, lower your beautiful eyes a little lower, on the star scale...
Sincerely, Evgenia Vasilenko
If this text somehow helped you, made you think, clarified something, and if you liked it overall, click on the last star in the rating row
, you will get a plus in karma for this
