Advice from a psychologist: what should a woman do if the man in the relationship has noticeably moved away
So, you know the reason why your chosen one is moving further and further away.
But that doesn't make it any easier, does it? A man writes less often, stops noticing you, doesn’t always pick up the phone, answers in monosyllabic sentences, refuses to go on a trip together... What’s the next step? Of course, return to the past! How to properly establish a relationship with a guy who has noticeably cooled off towards you?
The most important rule is to save your strength and nerves, be tolerant and confident. A man moves away to immerse himself in himself - remember this
Don't bother him! Stop running after him, learn to be in a relaxed state, always remain turned away from him. If a man moves away and then approaches - be wise, accept him, respond to calls or SMS. If he writes “I want to meet,” make contact, but just don’t run to him as fast as you can. Answer his messages mysteriously, vaguely, something like “I’m busy yet; I’ll clear up my affairs a little and we’ll definitely meet; Let’s call you later,” and things like that. If you are offended by ignoring his appearance, he will completely stop the game if there are no strong feelings.
But it’s important not to play around. Everything should be in moderation
The goal is to show that he is not the meaning of your existence. You continue to live, regardless of whether a person is nearby or not!
Now let's get back to the stages of relationships.
If a man moves away already in the first stages, alas, he is not interested in you. It happens: good, beautiful, mannered, but alien
You can try to win his attention, open up in a new way, change some of your habits and principles, but psychologists do not advise doing this
Sublimate your energy into an important matter, leave this man alone! What are we doing? Let's go, live on, smile at those around us, breathe deeply. Without problems, stress and suffering
Without problems, stress and suffering.
If you have already become quite close (or are even married), and the man moves away, misleading you, psychologists advise using rule 4 NOT:
- DO NOT look for flaws, problems, guilt in yourself;
- DO NOT run, pursue, catch up and seek the truth;
- DO NOT allow depressive, sad thoughts (found someone else, stopped loving me);
- DO NOT try to punish, take revenge, or hurt a man.
If there are so many prohibitions, what should be done, you ask?
Of course, talk about it. Directly, but without pressure or raised tones. Discuss the problems and reasons why a man feels cool. Agree that if he needs to take a break (cool down, retire), he can openly tell you about it. Well, you, in turn, promise to provide him with silence, inviolability and peace. It will make things easier for both of you.
Watch your own speech, behavior, and gestures when communicating with a man. Work on the relationship synchronously, do not present him with the rank of a “great martyr” or “victim”, puffing and struggling for both. Speak openly and sincerely about your desires to fix everything.
Be spiritually self-sufficient. When a woman is soft on the outside, but strong on the inside, a man has neither reason nor desire to move away! To do this, increase your own self-esteem, do not neglect your life, achieve your goals.
Seek help from your loved one more often - the realization that you are needed can melt even the thickest ice.
How to react if a man confesses his love
- Force majeure will help you
“It happened at a New Year’s party that my friend threw at her home.
I was instructed to pour the champagne into glasses and bring them to the room. And so, when I had almost completed the task, a guy with whom my friend was in love came into my kitchen. He was invited to her specifically in order to evoke mutual feelings and develop relationships. But he went straight to me and, looking devotedly into my eyes, said: “Karina, don’t think I’m crazy, but I love you.” Imagine my condition! From the surprise and absurdity of the situation, I dropped the wine glass that was in my hands. Champagne spilled down my skirt and shards of glass fell onto the floor. This incident saved me from having to respond to his unexpected confession.” Karina, 20 years old. Psychologist's comment
The proposed option to distract his attention and not give an answer works great, you can take note of it. Try to come up with something similar: drop a cup on the floor, “accidentally” hit a nearby vase, fake a sprained leg... The more “serious” the consequences of this accident are, the better for you. While you are mopping the floor, cleaning the carpet, and “treating” the injured ankle, it is quite possible that he will regret what he said, and even be glad that the “accident” saved him from subsequent explanations.
- The best distraction is tears
“I liked a guy from our group for a long time, I just went crazy about him. I constantly visited his page, looked at photographs, and in my thoughts I had long imagined myself next to him, surrounded by two or three charming children. He seemed to like me too, and he often helped me with my studies, or maybe, simply seeing my disposition towards him, he was afraid to refuse my requests. One way or another, blinded by love, I had virtually no doubt that he would very soon explain himself to me. Valentine's Day was approaching, I was looking forward to it with special impatience, hoping to hear recognition on that very day. And so, smart and beautiful, I showed up at the institute. But neither after the first nor after the second couple did he come up to me or even look at me. “Nothing,” I thought, “he will do it after class.” But after class, it was not my lover who volunteered to accompany me, but our nondescript nerd classmate. He didn’t say a word the whole way and only before the entrance did he dare to confess his love. Then my nerves could not stand it, and I burst into tears. The poor lover was scared to death and after this incident he tried to take the tenth route around me.” Zhanna, 21 years old.
Psychologist's comment
You used tears unintentionally, but you did the right thing. This remedy knocks men off their feet, confuses them and makes them panic. Therefore, your crying after his confession will completely discourage him from starting a conversation on this topic again. While he is bringing you to your senses, you will have time to come up with a reason for your sudden sadness, and the more ridiculous it sounds, the less desire he will have to try again.
- She said how she cut it off
“Once my friend’s cousin made a declaration of love to me. His words brought me into a stupor; I did not expect such a turn at all and never thought of starting a relationship with him. Not now, not in the future. Therefore, right away, without any tenderness or lyrical digressions, I told him that nothing would ever work out with him. I believe that a truthful answer is much better than silence or pretense from not wanting to offend.” Angelina, 24 years old.
Psychologist's comment
Long farewells mean extra tears. If you think that it is better to hurt a person once than to make him suffer for a long time in the unknown, knowing that your relationship has no future, you should not beat around the bush. Tell him about it to his face. Of course, he will be very unpleasant, but he will probably thank you for your honesty.
If you want to save the relationship
You can also receive an unexpected declaration of love from a man with whom you have a long-standing friendship, strong friendships, joint work, or nascent sympathy. If you really want to maintain your existing relationship or you assume that your relationship may develop into something serious in the future, you need to respond to the confession in such a way as not to alienate the young man.
- Avoid answering
“Once a guy with whom I had been friends since the sixth grade confessed his love to me. We always helped each other, and I really valued our friendship, but I didn’t plan to take it to another level. But at the same time, she didn’t want to lose him or offend him with her refusal. So I told him what I felt: “And I like being friends with you.” Ekaterina, 22 years old.
Psychologist's comment
The answer in this situation is very successful. Firstly, it cannot be confused with a veiled declaration of love like “You are very dear to me too.” And secondly, you have clearly outlined your position, and it does not encourage further development of this topic. The answer, of course, will not please you, but it will make it clear that the person’s feelings were understood and accepted, but there is nothing to count on here other than friendship.
- Give me hope
“We have been working together for several years. And it was he who helped me get a job in this company. Since then, he has looked after me, helped me establish relationships with new colleagues and superiors, and always volunteered to help if I needed to urgently complete a project or didn’t have enough money before payday. In general, he was a wonderful colleague and a wonderful “girlfriend” for me, without the slightest hint of any romantic feelings. But one day, completely unexpectedly, he confessed his love to me. A little confused and not finding the right words, I simply kissed him on the cheek. And later she added that I was very flattered by such recognition, but I put friendship with him above a possible romance. Although things can still change...” Irina, 32 years old.
Psychologist's comment
If now you do not see a person as the hero of your novel, but at the same time you do not deny such a possibility in the future, instead of words you can allow yourself a friendly kiss. Such a reaction will certainly satisfy him without causing further conversation on this topic. Even if now it seems to you that you cannot reciprocate, you will have a chance to get to know your partner better.
- Nothing but the truth
“After two months of dating, he confessed his feelings to me. And although I also had sympathy for him, I did not want to rush things. It is difficult to judge how sincere he was in his feelings, but I could not answer him the same at that moment. But to be honest, I would be sorry to lose him. And I, thanking him for his heartfelt recognition, asked him to give me time to understand myself.” Larisa, 19 years old.
Psychologist's comment
If it's too early to talk about true love, tell him about it. You know that this is so, let him be aware. He is unlikely to be happy with such an answer, but if he truly loves you, he will not put pressure on you and will give you the opportunity to think everything over carefully. This way you will let him know that you take high feelings very seriously and do not throw around words.
If you haven't decided yet what to do
And there is a situation when a man who is pleasant to you makes a confession, but you have not yet decided whether you will be friends with him, whether he will become your gentleman, or, perhaps, you will stop communicating with him and will not even remember him. But since some kind of relationship between you is hypothetically possible...
- Pretend you didn't hear the confession
What to do if everything happened at a distance
If you can’t see each other, try not to talk to him on the phone, don’t call him first, answer him every other time. He must understand that without him your life will be as rich as with him. If this does not work and the young man stops contacting him altogether, the relationship can be considered over. In this case, write him a message that, for example, you understand that you are no longer a couple, you are very sorry if you did something wrong, you would like to correct the situation, but obviously this is not necessary. At the end, wish him happiness so that he finds a more suitable girl. Believe me, even the most indifferent person will respond something to such a message.
Do you want to know all the secrets of seducing men? We recommend watching Alexey Chernozem’s free video course “12 Laws of Seduction for Women.” You will receive a step-by-step 12-step plan on how to drive any man crazy and keep his affection for many years.
Negative sides
There are much more cons than pros. There are negative aspects for both sides.
For girls, the disadvantages include:
- Risk . A man in love, after rejection, is able to forget about his feelings and come to hatred. An angry man is capable of insulting, humiliating and even hitting a woman. The behavior of the gentleman largely depends on the form in which they explained to him why they do not want to build a relationship with him.
- Ruin relationships . A girl who refuses a guy she likes risks losing the chance to build a relationship with him. Because he might lose interest in her. Thus, a girl can miss her happiness. She deprives them both of the chance to get to know each other better.
For guys, the situation can bring the following disadvantages:
- Resentment . Representatives of the stronger sex are conquerors by nature. Therefore, they have a hard time worrying when something doesn’t go according to their plan. Men have a difficult time dealing with personal experiences. They take any defeat personally.
- Complexes . Despite their outward masculinity, guys are very vulnerable. Mistakes in relationships with women make them insecure. Subsequently, they develop self-doubt and fear of making acquaintances with women.
Question for psychologists
Asked by: Margarita
Question category: Relationships
20.05.2012
Hello. Help me please, I'm completely confused. I am 20 years old. I've been dating my boyfriend for 1 year. At the beginning of the relationship, everything was fine, I was just in 7th heaven with happiness, and he too, it was clear that he loved me, that he was reaching out to me. 3 months ago he started working (on a rotational basis, i.e. 1 month at work, 1 month at home). And probably from the very moment he started working, everything went to an unknown direction ((for some reason, when he is at work, he writes and calls, so many kind words, I am pleased with all this, how he arrives, the first days he comes, we see each other, just as attentive, but after a week. As if I wasn’t there, he comes in 2-3 days (although he used to come every day), doesn’t write, rarely calls and everything like that. And the worst thing is, yesterday we talked on the phone, he told me He said so many things that I became annoying, constantly hinting to him about meeting... in general, this was news to me, because I don’t really call or write to him... he says that I’m terribly difficult. That he hasn’t had such a character yet ... last night we talked so coldly via SMS.. and at night he wrote to me that he loves me very much, worries and simply cannot live without me... I'm really confused. I can't understand what he needs from me now. I'm annoying. I love... Should I not react at all? Just sit and wait for him to come, when he wants to see me and all that? Should only his wishes be taken into account? And you know... he’s my first... and I’m afraid that he just got his way and that’s it. although he doesn’t look like that.. it hurts me.. from the words.. “I can’t see you every day” “I was raised differently from you” “I’m not used to the tenderness of a calf.” His family is really a little rude... but at the beginning he was affectionate and attentive... it turns out insincere or something... (Thank you
Kim Svetlana Nikolaevna
Psychologist Shymkent Was online: 12/13/2019
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Hello Margarita. I think your boyfriend is sincere. And a year ago and now. Only a year ago he was truly in love, but now it seems that love is cooling down. Alas, this is what happens with falling in love: it suddenly surges on its own, and then it immediately or gradually fades away. (((We often confuse Falling in Love with Love. Falling in love happens. We consciously come to Love.
Your boyfriend is honest: his feelings come in waves—the ebb and flow. And he can't hide it. Falling in love is like a fire: at first it flares up brightly and burns for some time, and then it fades away and in the end there are flashes of flame among the smoldering coals. You can probably keep the fire going, but for this you need to have some unifying or coinciding interests, complementary personal qualities, well, like keys fit into locks. The more such coincidences, the longer the relationship, which can turn from infatuation into love.
Margarita, don’t think that “he just got his and that’s all”
You got a lot too! You were “in 7th heaven”, because there was tenderness, affection, adoration, attention?! That's why it was so difficult to give it up. I don’t know how strong your feeling of being in love is, but don’t confuse it with affection.
Alas, for some reason nature works this way: everything in this world comes to an end someday. And we have to learn to untie the knots of attachment, say goodbye and let go of what goes away...
I assume that your boyfriend is not ready to admit that his feelings are cooling, and he is quietly shifting the responsibility for the fading relationship onto you (terribly complicated, annoying). But this is only an assumption that it is advisable to investigate. And at the same time, clarify whether he and you are ready to look for ways for a new wave of feelings? Why guess and be sad. It’s unlikely with tears and force... but by turning on creativity... why not? And how much do you need it? Or say goodbye with dignity, thank you for everything warm that happened and move on to new meetings?
It is useful to learn to distinguish between what really is and what you really want to be. Those. desired from reality. Is there love or do I want it to be? Inside ourselves, we know for sure whether we are loved, but the power of desire drowns out the voice of the heart... learn to listen to it.
Then we can understand what we have and what we want to do with it.
