For our parents, we always remain children, so they show care in every possible way, which in some cases develops into excessive guardianship. How to stop depending on moms and dads and start an independent life?
Stages of development of relationships between children and parents
Before delving into the essence of dependence on parents, you should analyze your relationship with them. As a rule, they develop in several stages:
- Positive symbiosis. Such mutually beneficial cohabitation or even cooperation lasts from birth until about 10-12 years. At this stage, the child is almost completely dependent on his parents, considers them the most important and authoritative people in his life, and their opinion is decisive and the only true one for him.
- Negative symbiosis. Previously supported ideals begin to collapse, the child’s life principles and views change, he understands that he is a full-fledged person and begins to prove his independence in every possible way and tries to free himself from parental dependence. The opinion of peers is now more important than the point of view of mom and dad, especially if they cannot or do not want to satisfy growing demands.
- Separation, that is, separation from parents and the formation of a person as a full-fledged, fully formed, independent person. In the process of separation, awareness of one’s own “I”, acceptance of responsibility, formation of will and basic qualities occur. The separation begins already in adolescence, and ends after 20 years, sometimes later or earlier.
- Autonomy is the end of separation. At this stage, a person is completely independent, living his own independent life. He is freed from the influence of his parents’ opinions, although he can still listen to him, but he defines and maintains his boundaries, preventing his parents from exerting pressure. Dad and mom gradually come to terms with this state of affairs and realize that the child has grown up and no longer needs care.
Types and causes of addiction
There are two main types of dependence on parents:
- The most common type is financial dependence. In this case, the parents continue to almost completely support the now grown child or constantly provide him with financial assistance, without which the child can no longer do. This dependence develops, first of all, through the fault of fathers and mothers, who never skimped on purchases and did not spare any pocket money. As a result, the child got used to this state of affairs and was unable to learn the value of money, so he did not learn how to handle it and continues to wait for support from his parents.
- Psychological or emotional dependence is no less common. In general, a close connection with mother and father can remain throughout life, and this is quite normal. But at the same time, it should weaken somewhat and acquire certain boundaries. And if this does not happen, the child continues to be highly dependent on parental opinion, is influenced or even pressured, and often feels a sense of shame or guilt before his parents if he does something contrary to their opinion.
Parents are almost always to blame for the development of addiction, because normally a child should become independent and separate from them, starting his own life. Often fathers and mothers prevent this, and there are several reasons for this:
- Fear of loneliness, old age. Many parents who have a single heir are afraid of being left alone in old age, so they try in every possible way to keep the child close to them, to prove to him that he will not be able to live on his own. And often this is successful, but the child lives a boring and unhappy life.
- Excessive influence, strictness of parents. In this case, the child becomes so accustomed to total control and constant pressure that in adult life he cannot free himself from this or even experiences discomfort. In addition, a person raised in harsh conditions often cannot make independent decisions and is heavily dependent on parental opinion.
- Overprotectiveness. Overprotection syndrome is not a rare phenomenon in which normal care develops into total control. And a child, growing up in constant prohibitions, protected from real life and not accustomed to doing everything on his own, simply cannot adapt to real conditions and adult independent existence.
- The selfishness of parents who think only about themselves and do not care about the future fate of the child.
- Strong sense of ownership. For such fathers and mothers, the child, unfortunately, is property, whose life they have the right to manage.
How to identify?
It is quite normal to take into account the opinions of parents and respect them, as well as occasionally accept minor financial help from them, because for parents, children always remain loved, small, helpless and inexperienced.
But if care has grown into overprotection, then dependence will certainly develop, which can be identified by such signs as strong susceptibility to the influence of father and mother, the inability to make independent decisions, the perception of parental opinion as the most correct, constant doubts about the actions taken (after all, the mother may not approve of them). with dad), feelings of guilt and shame for disagreeing or trying to go against.
Why is separation needed? Traditions of wise ancestors
Initially, when a child is born, he is very closely connected with his mother - this is no secret to anyone. In addition to the purely physical connection, dependence on the mother, they are also connected by an invisible energetic umbilical cord. After the birth of a child, it does not disappear completely; the mother retains part of her child’s vitality, as our ancestors believed.
The mother needs this energy while the child is small and requires a lot of attention and strength. The older a son or daughter gets, the less energy a mother needs to raise him. Remember the saying? – “You need to educate when the child is placed across the bench. When it no longer fits, it’s too late to educate.”
Well, in fact, by adolescence - “what has grown has grown” - it is unlikely to be possible to make adjustments to upbringing.
And now the time comes when the remainder of the energy that belongs to the child, but is with the mother, she needs to return to him. This occurs during puberty, that is, the child’s puberty. And by the time a girl turns into a girl, and a boy into a young man, the parents must “let them go into their lives.”
Of course, in the modern world this does not mean stopping care and transferring a grown-up child to self-sufficiency. Although previously, at the age of 13-14, it was really believed that the child had matured and become an adult: a boy at this age could already go to work, fight or govern the state. Well, the girl was often married off.
Now everything is different. Before reaching adulthood, a young person does not yet have all the rights and freedoms of an adult. However, it is very important in adolescence to hand over the reins of his life to a teenage child.
To indicate that the child is no longer a child, but is ready for independent life, our ancestors performed rituals of blessing their grown-up children. This was that very separation, that is, the initiation of the separation of the child from the parents at the energy level. And such a ritual was carried out when the child was from 8 to 14 years old (the period of puberty).
Solution
All parents need to understand the simple truth that it is much easier to slightly adjust parenting methods than for an adult to deal with the consequences.
If you have discovered such a problem already at a conscious age, the points described below are intended specifically for you.
- Financial independence. The more money you take from your parents, the more helpless you feel. Find a job or part-time job, start spending your own money.
- Communication. It is necessary to explain to your parents that you have grown up and do not need constant care. They must accept this fact.
- Self-love. Learn to love yourself and indulge your desires. Healthy selfishness did not harm anyone.
- Personal space. Trusting relationships are great, but stop telling every detail, it will lead to control over your life.
How was blessing given before?
According to the information that has reached us, it used to be like this: first, the mother prayed for several days, asking God for a happy life for her teenage child. Then there was a holiday, during which the “hero of the occasion” received a maternal blessing, parting words for life, and congratulations from relatives.
To some extent, this was an analogue of the current coming of age, when a person becomes a full member of society, receives certain rights and freedoms, including the right to choose where and with whom to live, where to work, to create or not to create a family, to have children...
This was the very “cutting of the energetic umbilical cord” and contributed to the fact that the child began to depend less on his parents and received resources (energy) to go into his own life.
Information on how to bless your teenage child can be found on the Internet by searching “how to receive a mother’s blessing.”
How to understand that there is no separation?
Today, many modern parents not only do not let their children go and do not bless them for their own lives, which includes making decisions and taking responsibility for them, but they also try in every possible way to influence the lives and control the children who have long since matured.
We can say that psychological (and energetic) separation did not occur if the mother:
- Regularly gives you advice on how to live (where, with whom, etc.), where to work, how to behave with other people (- “Tell him that...”)
- Does not respect your personal boundaries (rummages through your things, can reach into your purse or wallet without asking, asks who called and what you talked about, enters your room without knocking or into your apartment without warning (if you live separately, but Mom has the keys to your home)
- Calls you several times a day or demands that you call her (one, two or more times a day).
- It requires that you regularly participate in her life, provided that the mother is completely healthy and viable (if the mother has limited legal capacity, this is a completely different situation) - take her to the clinic, buy and bring her groceries, solve other mother’s issues.
- You constantly do something for your mother to the detriment of yourself and your life (you go to your mother instead of spending time with your husband and children; you pay for your mother’s vacation instead of your vacation; you do renovations in your parents’ apartment, although you should do it in your own... ).
- You feel guilty when you have to refuse your parents help (even when they can cope perfectly well on their own).
— You try to meet your parents’ expectations instead of living your own life (you don’t quit your job you don’t like because your mother thinks it’s good; you don’t divorce your husband just because your mother says that the family should be complete, etc.).
Of course, it is necessary to take care of parents and help them as much as possible. And sometimes it can be very difficult for us to distinguish between sufficient help and excessive participation.
On this occasion, I really liked the phrase said by Mikhail Burnyashev, director of the Institute of Consulting and Systemic Solutions and leading teacher of programs on systemic constellations. When he was asked where this line is, he replied: “There are two words - care and guardianship. Feel the difference".
The meaning of these words is significantly different. You can take care of the person you love. Guardianship is always in relation to the elder to the younger, who is also still (or already) incapacitated, that is, cannot take care of himself, cannot make effective decisions.
And if children behave as if they adopted their parents, changed places with them, then this can lead to very sad consequences in relation to their own lives. In the theory of system constellations, such a violation in the family system is called “parentification” (from the English parents).
When this happens, the child’s resources (energy) instead of flowing further (to continue life, create new projects, etc.) seem to be thrown upward. And then the “fountain effect” occurs - the energy dissipates, and there is no sense from it. And those who are higher in the hierarchical system (parents) benefit from this much less than the younger ones (children of children) could receive.
The best advisor
Mom, of course, knows a lot of things, she has more experience (after all, she is older!), but you shouldn’t rely on her for everything. I had a consultation with a man who was going to divorce his wife because his opinion was absolutely not taken into account at the family council. And guess who the wife obeyed unquestioningly? Of course, mom.
Read also - 7 main mistakes parents make when communicating with children
It is almost impossible to avoid parental interference in the relationships of a young family. But those marriages in which the couples were able to unite are tested for strength. Yes, your mother will not wish you harm, but sometimes the motive of “everything for the sake of your beloved daughter” turns against you.
What to do? Ask yourself the following questions: “Do I trust myself? Do I trust the man I choose? Am I confident in him? If the answer is yes, then why does your mother's opinion prevail? Maybe you act on autopilot, obeying her, like when you were a child? Imagine changing the “Mother Knows Best” program to “I can make big decisions myself” and remind yourself of this often.
How lack of separation affects life
Of course, the lack of separation from parents can be traced by observing a person (an adult child of his parents) and his life.
In particular:
- He/she does not have long-term relationships with the opposite sex, he/she cannot create his own family;
— It’s not possible to give birth to your own children (this is often the result of “parentification”, which I wrote about just above);
— “Child” (I write in quotation marks because I mean an adult who has long been 18+ years old) does not strive to separate physically, to start living separately from his parents;
— A person cannot find himself in life, is not confident in his abilities, changes types of activities one after another;
— It is not possible to earn a normal income or achieve financial well-being;
- Is not an authority for his own children, if he has them;
- Allows parents to interfere in his relationship with his partner, in raising children;
— Financially dependent on parents, constantly using their resources;
Conditions to be met
When separation occurs at the right age and naturally, the message comes from the parents. It’s as if they are telling the child: “We are LETING YOU GO and handing YOU RESPONSIBILITY for your life.” And this can be done even without any rituals, just with intention.
If this does not happen, and instead the parents, on the contrary, try to “hold” the reins of control over the life of their adult child, then this process can be initiated by the child himself.
And the most important thing is his real willingness to accept RESPONSIBILITY for his LIFE. That is, agree that in the future everything that will happen in it is only his responsibility, his choice.
As soon as a person is ripe to BECOME AN ADULT (to separate), from that moment on one can begin the process of separation itself, which consists of several stages.
Don't hold grudges...
Being just people, father and mother did not fulfill their parental tasks perfectly; they raised according to accepted stereotypes, with an eye on their own, also not ideal, parents. There is no point in holding a grudge against your parents' upbringing and behavior - allowing yourself the freedom of choice and disobedience, leave them the freedom to express themselves and their opinions as they see fit.
By gaining mutual freedom, you gradually come to a normal “adult-adult” relationship, to mutual respect, and each of you gets the opportunity to live the life that he wants for himself.
Author of the article: Yulia Bochkareva
Stages of separation and techniques that help with separation
Well, firstly, there are AGE STAGES OF SEPARATION that each of us goes through. There are five of them in total. I talk about the features and timing of each stage in this VIDEO
And now the last, fifth stage - final separation from parents - in turn, also consists of several stages that are important to go through. Moreover, it is very desirable to do this in exactly the same sequence as described below.
Deal with grievances against parents
Why do I use the word “sort it out” instead of “forgive”?
It is believed that we, as children, do not have such powers to forgive our own parents. We occupy a lower level in the family hierarchy. And if we “forgive” them, in the classical sense of the word, then we will try to rise above them. But if you understand this aspect, then you can use it to “forgive grievances.”
Getting rid of grudges is very important. Until we accept the way our parents treated us, we take the position of a victim and remain children. The child does not have the opportunity to see the whole picture. He can only look from his “small stature.” But an adult can look “from the outside” and go beyond the limits of the situation.
So, in working with grievances (getting rid of them) there are two ways: ordinary forgiveness and Radical forgiveness (using Colin Tipping’s technology).
If you choose the first path, then writing Auto-Letters and performing Forgiveness Meditation after letters will be very effective.
For this:
- Take four sheets of paper and a pen.
- Choose a time and place where no one will disturb you for 20-30 minutes.
- Take the first sheet of paper and start writing a letter to your mother, telling her everything that you feel and felt for her when you were a child. Start your letter by addressing your mother.
It is very important to write exactly about your feelings, and not about what you think about some of her actions and actions.
You can write everything, throwing out all the pain and grievances, without being shy in expressions. There is no need to show this letter to anyone, much less let mom read it, and even under no circumstances should it.
- When you finish your letter to mom, put the sheet aside and take a second one. And write an answer from your mother to yourself. Start by calling yourself (as your mom calls you).
The main thing here is to relax, let go of the flow of thoughts and write what comes to your mind.
- When the second letter is written, listen to the Forgiveness meditation (say the words and imagine the images that are offered)
- Finally, tear or burn both letters.
- Then do the same for your dad (two letters and Forgiveness Meditation).
It often happens that one time is not enough to get rid of grievances. Therefore, I recommend that you do this process until you feel that the grievances against your parents have passed.
As for Radical Forgiveness, Colin Tipping's book of the same name can be found on the Internet.
Fill with love, resources, grow
Another important component of separation from parents is the sufficiency of the resources that we received from them in childhood.
It often happens that there are not enough resources (parental love, acceptance, support). And then the child cannot grow up. Psychologically, he gets “stuck” at a certain age - 5... 7... 12 years old. Outwardly he is an adult, but inside there lives a child or teenager who still really needs his mom and dad.
But real parents, even if they suddenly realized some things themselves and began to behave differently (began to support, show tenderness, etc.) can no longer give what was missing in childhood.
Now it is our responsibility and task to be filled with this. And psychology can help here.
There is a childish part in each of us - the Inner Child . It was this part that lacked resources and, most of all, LOVE. And it is she who needs to be given love and resources. And you can make up for this by taking the RECORDED COURSE “I AM MY FAVORITE!”
Thank your parents and receive their blessing
Gratitude is the feeling that an adult child should ideally feel towards his parents. Because they gave him life, they invested their time, strength, and energy into his upbringing.
And if it is not there, then separating, separating from parents in adulthood, can be difficult.
And here there is an excellent tool - PRACTICE OF BOWING TO PARENTS .
To carry it out:
- Take photos of mom and dad (any age)
- Attach them so that they are at eye level. Mom is on the right, dad is on the left, next to each other.
- Thank your parents for all the good things they have given you (for your life, for the forces invested in your upbringing, maybe for some qualities you acquired with their help - you can thank for everything you remember).
- Sag in a bow, relaxing your lower back, shoulders, neck and turning your palms towards the photographs of your parents. This is the “taker” position. This is how a child can be filled with energy coming from his parents. At the same time, you may feel warmth or tingling in your palms.
It is advisable to do the practice at least three times, and better yet, until you really feel gratitude to mom and dad. Even if the parents are no longer alive, this technique is very effective.
Receiving a blessing can be done in the ARRANGEMENT or by completing the training in the recording “Separation from parents and diagnostics of relationships with them” or INDIVIDUAL LESSON “Separation from parents and connection with the Family” with me, ONLINE (to agree on the time of the training (individual training takes 2, 5 hours), - just contact me in any convenient way - see CONTACTS ).
Re-educating my husband3
If your chosen one turns out to be an integral part of your mother’s skirt, we advise you to break this connection as quickly as possible. The longer you accept the rules of your mother-in-law’s game, the faster your relationship will collapse. This does not mean that you have to wage a cold war or give your spouse ultimatums. You need to act more cunningly.
First, never live on your in-laws' property. Gone are the days when a man brought his wife to his parents' house. Each cell of society must exist separately from its ancestors. Even if your financial condition currently does not allow you to buy your own home, you still need to look for options to create your own family nest. You can rent an apartment or, as a last resort, a dorm room. Yes, you will have to sacrifice comfort, but the well-being of your family will benefit.
Secondly, at the very first stages of the relationship, agree not to tell your parents about your quarrels. You will make peace, and parents will remember throughout their lives that their child was insulted.
To find out how to make peace with a guy, follow the link, there is a lot of useful information that will help save the relationship.
Thirdly, establish contact with your mother-in-law. An enemy who becomes a friend will not cause harm. Call her to find out the recipe for your husband’s favorite pie. Be interested in his childhood. Do everything to ensure that the mother-in-law understands that her son is in good hands.
Fourth, teach your spouse to be independent. There are some wives who are afraid to leave their small children with their husbands. They worry that he won't cope. Give yourself the opportunity to prove yourself. In a playful feminine manner, offer to cook breakfast, pick up your child from kindergarten, or iron your skirt, citing the fact that you are late for work.
Believe me, any man can be re-educated to suit himself. Of course, you shouldn’t flatter yourself that he will be able to completely get rid of his “mother’s” dependence, but the changes will be obvious. Don’t forget to praise your man as often as possible, letting him know that he can do everything on his own, without outside help.
