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Human relationships are structured in such a way that people in love living together perceive their partner as a part of themselves. Love, mutual exchange of energy, warmth of touching hearts, dissolution in each other - in the first year of meeting or living together, it seems that all this will never end. However, the moment of misunderstandings and quarrels is inevitable, so for a third of married couples, sadly, the moment of divorce is also inevitable. Even if separation becomes the only healthy way out of the situation, and you are much better off alone than together, there is an aversion to the moment of divorce or breakup. Some of us simply don’t understand where our time and energy went, others endlessly strive to follow our loved ones, others feel sorry only for themselves, and others perceive a breakup as the worst catastrophe in their lives, after which nothing bright can happen.
Breaking up a relationship is always accompanied by nervous tension
Any worries come to an end, but there is a chance to stop being nervous much faster, without depleting your own nervous resources and not bringing yourself to a breakdown. There is no universal method for how to calm down after a breakup, but there are ways to ease mental anguish.
Methods for women
Many people believe that a woman is only physically weak in comparison with a man, but morally she is much more stable than men. Stereotypes of public opinion put quite a lot of pressure on women. Therefore, after a breakup, she is perceived by others and perceives herself as a victim of circumstances. Parting with a loved one is akin to a death sentence for a woman, especially if in a relationship she is accustomed to trusting and confiding rather than managing her partner. An incorrect perception of oneself, an incorrect train of thought do not allow you to calm down for a long time.
After a breakup, women usually feel like victims.
What to do to calm yourself down
Complaints, discussions and prose
The first time when breaking up with a loved one is the hardest for women. A woman is more often inclined to take responsibility and blame, and in the first days after a breakup she literally eats herself: she was not wise, could not avoid difficulties, conflicts, behaved incorrectly, showed her ugly side, is to blame for the fact that they stopped loving her, was a bad housewife. There will be no end to the flow of self-claims and self-criticism, and that’s normal.
The solution is extremely simple: complain, cry, team up with a friend, call your mom. If you are ashamed to express your feelings, consider it unworthy behavior, or have no one to turn to, write down on paper everything that worries you.
Write about at least one quarrel or the end of a relationship. Trust the paper with your thoughts about who is more to blame for the breakup, what efforts you made, who compromised more often, who was stubborn. Even though this analysis will be superficial and emotional, it will help you stop suffering mindlessly.
Destruction of traces of your loved one's presence in your home
Your home is no longer a love nest for two. Walk around the apartment and collect randomly left shirts, socks, slippers, ties, his gifts, photos together. After the final breakup, they have no place in your home. Dispose of anything found or return it to the owner. Nothing should remind you of happy moments with your loved one and worry you. If you have been very annoying, you are allowed to vent your soul, burn letters, photos, and throw away things. Things are not more expensive than relationships, and you will feel better mentally, so allow yourself to get angry so that negative emotions do not destroy you from the inside.
Reassessing yourself and your values
At first, you can view the process of experiencing a breakup as an illness. If you are sick, then you should not feel sorry for yourself, but get effective treatment. Sports in double doses, self-care, self-development will help you to be reborn. Take care of yourself, get a new hairstyle, buy a dress, go to the gym. Feel again how wonderful it is to live for yourself, to be attractive, to spend time and money only on your interests.
You will feel love for yourself and your beautiful body, pleasant face and understand that fate has an incredible surprise in store for you.
Lesson 3. Preparation. How to calm down before an important event.
Now some important event is inexorably approaching us, during which our intelligence, composure and will will be tested, and if we successfully pass this test, then fate will generously reward us, otherwise we will lose. This event could be a final interview for the job you dream of, important negotiations, a date, an exam, etc. In general, you have already learned the first two lessons and understand that nervousness can be stopped and this must be done so that this condition does not prevent you from focusing on the goal and achieving it.
And you realize that an important event awaits you ahead, but no matter how significant it is, even the worst outcome of such an event will not mean the end of your whole life for you: there is no need to dramatize and overestimate everything. It is precisely from the very importance of this event that the need to be calm and not worry arises. This is too important an event to let nervousness ruin it, so I will be collected and focused and will do everything for this!
Now we bring our thoughts to calm, relieve the jitters. First, immediately throw all thoughts of failure out of your head. In general, try to calm down the fuss and not think about anything. Free your head from thoughts, relax your body, exhale and inhale deeply. The simplest breathing exercises will help you relax.
It should be done like this:
inhale for 4 counts (or 4 beats of the pulse, you must first feel it, it is more convenient to do this on the neck, not on the wrist) hold the air in yourself for 2 counts/beats, exhale for 4 counts/beats, do not breathe for 2 counts/beats and then inhale again for 4 counts/beats - everything from the beginning In short, as the doctor says: breathe - don't breathe. 4 seconds inhale - 2 seconds hold - 4 seconds exhale - 2 seconds hold.
If you feel that your breathing allows you to take deeper inhalations/exhalations, then do the cycle not 4/2 seconds but 6/3 or 8/4 and so on.
You just need to breathe with the diaphragm, that is, with the stomach! During times of stress, we breathe rapidly through the chest, while diaphragmatic breathing calms the heartbeat, suppressing the physiological signs of nervousness, bringing you into calmness.
During the exercise, keep your attention only on your breathing! There should be no more thoughts! It is most important. And then after 3 minutes you will feel relaxed and calm. The exercise is done for no more than 5-7 minutes, according to how it feels. With regular practice, breathing practice not only helps you relax here and now, but also generally puts your nervous system in order and you become less nervous without any exercise. So I highly recommend it.
You can see my video on how to do diaphragmatic breathing correctly at the end of this article. In this video I talk about how to cope with panic using breathing. But this method will also allow you to get rid of nervousness, calm down and pull yourself together.
Other relaxation techniques are presented in my article on how to learn to relax.
Okay, so we are prepared. But the time for the event itself has already arrived. Next I will talk about how to behave during the event so as not to be nervous and to be calm and relaxed.
What girls should absolutely not do
Not recommended:
- Discussing your ex-love in the company of a girlfriend and alcohol. It is contraindicated to distract yourself with alcohol; you risk doing something stupid and forever losing your status as a balanced, adequate, worthy girl.
- Scandal, humiliate yourself, follow a man, stalk him with another girl, manipulate poor health, pregnancy and children. What will this give you other than shame? This also includes angry posts on social networks: the whole universe should not immediately find out about the breakup of your relationship and about “what assholes men are.”
- “Knock out a wedge with a wedge.” Trying to immediately start a relationship with another man will not lead to anything good. The very first comparisons of a new acquaintance with your dear and close man will clearly be in favor of your ex, and you will again be disappointed in life. What will be the fault of your “replacement”? Have you thought about the guy's feelings? Playing with the heart of a new acquaintance is immoral and dangerous for the woman herself.
Scandals during separation will only worsen the situation
Methods for men
The methods described above are also suitable for a man who is going through a breakup with his girlfriend. One has only to add that the realization of loss overtakes men a month after the breakup itself. At first, a man, in contrast to a woman, is inspired by a sense of freedom, he can afford pleasure walks, and only after a while he is overtaken and consumed by melancholy.
The main advice for men in such a situation is not to discredit the name of your once beloved, disagree with the opinions of friends (and you will have many more of them) and have a good time being sad, without hesitating to be ridiculous and funny. Sadness should be controlled, so do not descend to alcoholic libations followed by humiliation and drunken calls. You need to be alone and isolated.
Career, reading and sports are the recipes for your cure. Visit your parents, remember your childhood, take a trip. And, while remaining a tough man, boldly dream of new love.
Visualize your new meeting, forgetting that it is undignified for men to dream, perhaps your good, present, bright future is nearby right now.
Remember that strong people attract equally strong people. Therefore, after parting with your loved one, first of all you need to get rid of self-pity, which interferes with the strengthening of your strength.
Lesson 1. The nature of nervousness. Necessary defense mechanism or hindrance?
Our palms begin to sweat, we may experience tremors, increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, confusion in our thoughts, it is difficult to gather ourselves, concentrate, it is difficult to sit still, we want to occupy our hands with something, smoke. These are the symptoms of nervousness. Now ask yourself, how much do they help you? Do they help cope with stressful situations? Are you better at negotiating, taking an exam, or communicating on a first date when you're on edge? The answer is, of course not, and what’s more, it can ruin the whole result.
Therefore, it is necessary to firmly understand that the tendency to be nervous is not a natural reaction of the body to a stressful situation or some ineradicable feature of your personality. Rather, it is simply a certain mental mechanism embedded in a system of habits and/or a consequence of problems with the nervous system. Stress is only your reaction to what is happening, and no matter what happens, you can always react to it in different ways! I assure you that the impact of stress can be minimized and nervousness eliminated. But why eliminate this? Because when you're nervous:
Your thinking abilities decrease and it is more difficult for you to concentrate, which can aggravate a situation that requires extreme strain on your mental resources. You have less control over your intonation, facial expressions, and gestures, which can have a bad effect on important negotiations or a date. Nervousness contributes to a faster accumulation of fatigue and tension, which is bad. affects your health and well-being If you are often nervous, this can lead to various diseases (however, a very significant part of diseases stem from problems of the nervous system) You worry about little things and therefore do not pay attention to the most important and valuable things in your life You are susceptible to bad habits: smoking, alcohol, because you need to relieve tension with something. Remember all those situations when you were very nervous and this negatively affected the results of your actions. Surely everyone has many examples of how you broke down, unable to withstand psychological pressure, lost control and lost concentration. So we will work with you on this.
Here is the first lesson, during which we learned that:
Nervousness does not bring any benefit, but only hinders. You can get rid of it by working on yourself. In everyday life there are few real reasons to be nervous, since we or our loved ones are rarely threatened by anything, we mostly worry about trifles. To the last point, I also I’ll come back in the next lesson and, in more detail, at the end of the article and tell you why this is so.
You should configure yourself like this:
I have no reason to be nervous, it bothers me and I intend to get rid of it and this is real!
Don’t think that I’m just talking about something that I myself have no idea about. Throughout my childhood, and then my youth, until the age of 24, I experienced serious problems with the nervous system. I couldn’t pull myself together in stressful situations, I worried about every little thing, I even almost fainted because of my sensitivity! This had a negative impact on health: pressure surges, “panic attacks,” dizziness, etc. began to be observed. Now all this is in the past.
