Psychology of family relationships between wife and husband: types, stages, crises

Types of relationships between spouses

The relationship between husband and wife is very similar to any other. Family psychology divides them into the following types:

Cooperation is almost perfect. The couple has established mutual understanding and mutual support. This type is considered the best for a family.
Parity – here both partners are equal. When building such relationships, mutual benefit is pursued.
Competition is an expressed desire to achieve greater heights and get ahead of a partner. On the positive side, rivalry aimed at goals beneficial to the family will have a positive impact on marriage. But if there is competition, tension will certainly arise . Sometimes such rivalry can escalate into open confrontation.
Competition is the desire to dominate a spouse. In such conditions, the family cannot exist in integrity and unity . There is a constant struggle of interests between partners. The emergence of competition in relationships quickly destroys the family unit.
Antagonism consists of marital confrontation and is the result of competitive struggle. Staying together in a state of antagonism is a necessary measure. A family can be temporarily preserved due to some external factors, but then inevitably dies .

Important ! Family relationships are not constant and often change. Due to getting used to a partner or fatigue, competition, for example, can turn into temporary competition or parity.

What is she like, an ideal married couple?!

An absolute idyll in relationships, a complete absence of conflicts, both in everyday life and in financial matters, and in matters of raising children and relationships with parents.

The husband is the breadwinner in the family, earns enough to support the whole family, the wife is smart and beautiful, always a great looking housewife, the children are excellent students at school, always clean and tidy, polite and helpful...

Well, just a perfect married couple.

For some reason, this description of an ideal family looks more like a picture in a glossy magazine. And it’s not at all compatible with real life.

I repeat once again - there are no ideal families.

In every family, sooner or later, various kinds of conflicts arise. And it doesn’t matter how many years you have lived together, even one year, even ten or twenty years, but even after forty years of marriage, conflicts and misunderstandings may arise between the spouses.

Conflicts can arise for any reason, and because of accumulated family money spent on other purposes, and because of unwashed dishes, and because of raising children, and even because the wife’s parents “meddled” in the affairs of the young woman. families.

Even if you quarrel with each other, this does not mean at all that you are a bad family and not an ideal couple. By the way, sometimes swearing is very useful.

Stages of relationships - what are they?

Psychologists consider marriage to be a living organism that goes through several stages in the process of development:

Falling in love is the most romantic time. Thanks to certain hormones produced in the body, lovers see the world in a bright light. At this stage, the partner seems wonderful in every way. This pleasant stage lasts until about two years, during which most couples get married.
Addiction. It occurs immediately after falling in love ends. Partners begin to behave more relaxed, not hiding their shortcomings. At this stage, a sober assessment of your other half is given.
Quarreling. Inevitable in any relationship. Divorces most often occur at this time. The partner’s shortcomings are clearly expressed; it seems that he is wrong in everything. At this stage, people wonder why they got married in the first place. here that anger taken out on your spouse is addressed to yourself . A person can no longer enjoy falling in love and euphoria; he does not understand where the bright colors have disappeared.
Cooperation. It comes after realizing that in order to continue a happy life it is necessary to maintain a household, pay utility bills and raise children. During this period, the relationship is similar to a business partnership.
If the couple has not given up and continues to support the union, the stage of respect for their half inevitably begins. The spouse becomes valuable only for his boundless patience. A person tries to thank his partner. The married couple becomes mature. Tenderness and care are revived, which will be the foundation of a strong relationship .
The stage of respect smoothly transitions into the stage of friendship. Spouses become as close as possible, trusting each other absolutely. At this stage, partners communicate heart to heart and easily exchange feelings and energies.
The stage of true love can only arise after all the periods have passed. For this feeling to arise, patience and wisdom are needed. At the last stage, you just need to enjoy happiness, the path to which was so long.

So, how do you build a relationship?

Let's first put aside all thoughts about marriage. There is no need to idealize marriage, that after the wedding everything will be like in a fairy tale. Will not be? If…

1 Rule

Let go of all expectations from marriage and life together. Just let go and don't expect anything. The higher the expectation picture, the more upset you will end up and the more mired in negative feelings you will become. And then there will be accusations to the “other half” that he/she is not ideal, that I spent all my best years on him, and he so-and-so ruined everything.

✅Guide to changing yourself .pdf

Rule 2

What is important to you in a relationship, the relationship itself or manipulation? If the latter, congratulations, everything is so bad for you that you can completely forget about a happy life together and be content with only negativity and envy of others who have it better than you.

Think about it: are you trying to manipulate in a relationship? If yes, then urgently go to a psychologist, solve the problem and change your attitude towards life. The main thing is to recognize the problem in time, and solve the problem of technology within 30-60 minutes.

Rule 3

Support is very important in a relationship. Imagine, you live as a family, but there is no one to rely on. Or, for example, tell your spouse something like, “Darling, I want to take psychology courses and learn something new,” and he responds with something like, “Why do you need this shit?” No support or understanding, much less support.

But you can always do it differently. You can always support a person in his new interests and endeavors. Just support the person, and he will treat you with even greater respect and trust. If the husband wants to go fishing, then let him go; if the wife wants a new hairstyle, support her. By adhering to this recommendation, your social unit will become more successful every time, there will be more money, and your children will be successful.

Rule 4

Don't expect cheating. Jealousy and constant suspicions of treason will greatly aggravate the situation. I had a friend, his wife was very jealous of everyone. This really bothered him, since he couldn’t calmly go out to the store or talk to his accountant. In the end, he got tired of it, and he cheated on his wife and, of course, divorce and all that.

Read more: Relationships after a breakup

My opinion is that even in marriage, people do not belong to each other. We have no right to take ownership of a person. Any person loves freedom and does not like restrictions. If freedom is taken away from him, he will do everything to keep it. If a person cheated, it’s his choice and it’s up to you to decide to stay with him or go through life without him, but that’s life.

Read the article about wife's infidelity or husband's infidelity

Rule 5

Pay attention. Just do nice things, say good words, it’s very encouraging. It’s even unusual, being a little romantic in the morning doesn’t really bother you, but on the contrary, it brings you closer together. This applies to both the female and male sides. If you cannot do this because of inner pride, then you have two options: either solve your problem with a psychologist, or you will not be able to be happy in a relationship.

Rule 6

Forgive each other. This is very important, but quarrels and insults always happen, this cannot be avoided. But if you learn to easily forgive and let go of grievances, then life will become easier and more comfortable, that’s for sure. Just forgive sincerely and to the end, and not say like I forgave and still harbor a grudge and take revenge at the right moment.

Rule 7

Find common interests. If you have one hobby, this will at least give an excellent plus in the development of relationships. When people have common interests, it means they are similar. And similar people are attracted to each other, this has already been proven by scientists. You may not agree that it is the opposite that attracts, then yes, it attracts, at first, and then repels.

Rule 8

Bring into sex more of what you enjoy together. Ask what fantasies you would like to realize and, of course, make concessions, otherwise all the most secret things will have to be realized on the side.

Rule 9

Don’t joke about each other in public, usually such jokes contain some kind of joke to offend the person. But okay, if you were joking in private, then talking about each other’s shortcomings in front of people is not the best idea. Believe me, word for word and a serious conversation or even a scandal awaits you at home. Therefore, as I wrote above, respect each other, value each other.

✅Guide to changing yourself .pdf

Rule 10

Look after yourself. After the wedding, people slowly begin to relax. The wife is getting fatter, the man’s belly is also growing. But maybe you can sign up for the gym together or run with each other in the evening? At least one activity that you like brings you closer to each other. At the same time, you can chat after a hard day at work.

Family crises and how to avoid them

Every married couple invariably faces problems. This mainly happens when a relationship moves from one stage to another.

The first crisis lies in the mutual irritation of the spouses . There is internal anxiety in the relationship. This could be irritation at a partner’s behavior or unfulfilled expectations. Overcoming this will take time, patience and a desire to develop the relationship.
The second crisis is the lack of trust in the couple . The result can be aggressive behavior of a man and secrecy of a woman. The more often the husband shows negative emotions, the more the woman withdraws into herself. The coldness from the other half again prompts the man to anger. A vicious circle is formed. To get out of the situation, a woman needs to be able to open up to her husband, asking her to listen if necessary.
During the next crisis, the man is stingy and petty . He feels that the woman is moving away, so he subconsciously does not want to invest money in her. At this stage, the wife may begin to deceive her husband in order to solve her financial issues. A vicious circle arises again.

Important ! Every crisis needs to be understood and can be overcome through conversation and a calm showdown.

Signs of an unhealthy relationship between husband and wife

You begin to feel insecure and literally need your husband or wife when he/she is not around. You depend on your spouse to feel secure and loved.
You judge the ways in which your spouse differs from you. If he or she doesn't share your vision of your dreams and goals for the future, you won't be able to work together so that you both get exactly what you want.
When conflict arises, you are not a problem solver. You feel that you are being suppressed and pushed into the background because your husband or wife does not listen to you and takes your point of view into account.
You hold back from intimate relationships, refusing sex, or emotionally holding back affection when conflict arises. Instead of looking for a solution to the problem, one or both of you simply withdraw into yourself and refuse to talk or do anything.
You do not communicate openly and honestly with your spouse. You deceive each other and hide important information.
Most of the time you feel pain or worry about the state of your relationship with your husband or wife.
You complain about your spouse to other people. Instead of talking to him yourself, you involve strangers in the problems of your marriage.
You don't consider your relationships a priority. You put your own desires and level of comfort first.
You take any criticism from your spouse as an insult, rather than being open to their feedback.
You manipulate your partner into doing things they don't want to do, regardless of the fact that it's harmful to the relationship. If you want something, you will pester, beg, or emotionally spam until you get what you want.

Problems that are very difficult to solve

Every family may encounter difficulties due to which mutual feelings gradually fade away. This is for example:

Lack of mutual understanding . Different points of view on the same issue are justified by fundamental differences at the physiological level. By understanding and accepting this fact, the problem can be solved. However, in practice, when asked about the reasons for divorce, a woman answers that her husband refuses to understand her.
The problem of housing , which consists in the family living with the spouse’s parents. If there are children in the family, the situation only gets worse. As a rule, a man remains in his usual territory, refusing to change his place of residence.
Lack of material well-being is a problem due to which any relationship can crack. As a rule, wanting to provide for her child, a woman reproaches her husband for his insolvency. Such words often act in the opposite way, conflicts occur more and more often.

Give yourself and your spouse freedom

I think many women have long been convinced that direct influence in the form of screaming and swearing can achieve little from a man; at best, he will do it once. And if you swear more and more often, he will stop reacting to you altogether, and maybe even begin to do the opposite, out of a spirit of contradiction.

What do I mean by freedom for a man? Still, I stick to reasonable limits when it comes to not having romantic dates on the side or spending his entire salary on the first day. I mean that you don’t need to force him to do what you want, not him. For example, it’s scary to step on your kitchen floor without slippers (or better yet, rubber boots), but your husband doesn’t notice this at all. And so you ask him to wash, but he refuses or promises to wash next Sunday, or washes, but in such a way that you have to wash him twice more. You start arguing, and who is wrong in this case? I think it's a woman. Because if a man doesn’t notice a dirty floor, it means he doesn’t care, and if you leave hygienic and other aspects aside, then you’re forcing him to do something that he’s not interested in and doesn’t want. You can say to this: “How can it be that he is not interested in washing the floor, but am I interested?” I think you are more interested. That is, the result is more important to you than to him, you need it, but your husband does not. I know more than one family in which the wife loves perfect order and cleanliness, and expects her husband to fully meet these cleaning requirements, but he himself has different standards! This means that everything he does, he already does for her! If he does something bad and is scolded for it, then the results can also be disastrous - what normal person would want to do anything else after that? And what to do with this situation when you clearly need help around the house, and your husband and not blowing in your mustache? Just don't scold him! Men are very amenable to manipulation, so first you need to try to come to an agreement with him. For example, both my husband and I hate washing dishes. But I love to cook, it gives me pleasure, so I don’t expect help from him in this, and since he loves to eat home-cooked food, we agreed - I cook, and he washes the dishes. When he got tired of it, he went out and bought a dishwasher. And this applies to many household matters.

After a man does some housework, be sure to praise him properly, tell him what a great fellow and helper he is, even if in an exaggerated form. I know one brilliant woman who slowly transferred all household chores to her husband: washing, ironing, and cleaning. How? She admired him and praised him that she had the best man in the world, who loved his wife and freed her from hard work. Don’t think that this will have a short-term effect, I have known this family for a very long time, and this has been their state of affairs for the last 30 years.

The same goes for many other things: don’t argue with your husband if he wants to spend time with friends or in the garage, if he doesn’t do something the way you want. Look for workarounds, that’s why you are a woman, which means you must be flexible and quick-witted. And in return you will also receive a certain amount of freedom, especially if you do not impose unnecessary responsibilities on yourself.

Rules for happy family relationships

According to psychologists, for happiness in the family it is enough to follow a few rules:

Mutual respect should never be forgotten. You must always accept and take into account the position of your partner . Even during irritation, you should not utter offensive words, but you need to calm down and talk confidentially.
Thank each other for little things, like a cooked meal or a hammered nail. Any endeavors of a partner should be noticed and rewarded.
Being able to give in is an important rule for building family happiness. And this is not a show of weakness. A person who yields to another appears noble and strong.
You need to show feelings for your other half. Fleeting kisses or gentle touches firmly cement relationships. Much attention should be paid to intimate life. Sex brings spouses together, and its absence can weaken even a strong union .
Don't tell strangers about your secrets. Family life should remain intimate. No one should know about the achievements or missteps of a partner, especially in the sexual sphere.
Being able to forgive without accumulating resentment is the key to harmonious relationships. You can forgive your significant other almost anything.
When babies appear, a woman often stops paying attention to her husband. It must be remembered that relationships in the family should be smooth between each of its members. Also, don't treat one child better than another.

Stop being a man

It’s even worse if you take over men’s functions and affairs, leaving him no chance to be the head of the house and feel like a man. Most likely, you don’t even realize it, but you wonder why he doesn’t behave like a man or leaves you to solve some serious problems. But because you taught him how to do it. Therefore, if you keep track of all the bills and loans, decide on your own which kindergarten the children will go to, what furniture to buy for the living room, don’t trust him with the simplest things, or constantly check how he did them, then it’s time to think and stop. Normal men, more than anything else, need to realize that they are a man, to feel that they are behind a stone wall, and then he will bear full responsibility for his woman and family. And women need to more often recognize themselves as women and trust men, instead of turning into them. And we often destroy it ourselves.

Personally, I try to fight this, although it may not always be possible; after all, in our emancipated age, women carry too much on themselves and consider it right. But there are a number of things and decisions that I can do myself, but on principle I won’t even get involved, leaving them completely to my husband. Even if I suspect that I will make them better. But even if some task is not done the way I want, my husband will gradually forget how to do anything at all.

Readiness for family life

When preparing to start a family, it is important for partners to master the basics of the psychology of relationships between a man and a woman in marriage - read specialized literature, consult with specialists. The knowledge gained will prevent mistakes made in marriage and will help confirm (or refute) readiness for an important life step. For a functional, harmonious relationship, puberty is not enough. Family psychology points to 3 criteria for a couple’s maturity for marriage. These include:

physical, mental maturity;
social maturity;
ethical, psychological readiness for marriage.

Mental maturity characterizes the ability to become self-aware, have a sober view of things, and the ability to build good relationships with others. For future spouses, it is important to understand the need to separate everyday and material problems and provide mutual assistance.

Social maturity means education, having a stable job, and the ability to provide not only for oneself, but also for an established family.

Psychological readiness is awareness of the “WE” concept. It lies in common interests, perception of spiritual values, and shared opinions about parenthood. At the same time, the personal “I” of each partner should not be violated.

Knowing the basics of the psychology of marital relationships will help prevent hasty decisions and marriage without being prepared for it.

Levels of Marital Relationships

The psychology of relations between a man and a woman in marriage distinguishes 3 psychological levels of marital relations:

Social. This level means the legal conclusion of a marriage. A man and a woman are aware of a number of mutual obligations. Typically, a couple has an unspoken agreement in terms of living together: a unanimous partnership or the dominance of one person. There is usually no confrontation over leadership.
Sexual. Harmonious sex is the key to marital well-being. But often the cause of conflict is disbelief, most often on the male side.
Emotional. The psychology of family relationships characterizes this level as the most important. Sometimes sensual, emotional warmth recedes, replaced by satiety. The partners separate. Temporary separate residence of spouses often helps restore sensory connections.

Lack of mutual understanding

It would seem that this is a rather banal reason and a thing that people often turn a blind eye to. Couples in love rarely notice any flaws in each other. They often don’t see that they are completely different people with incompatible views on life and future plans. The phrase “opposites attract” does not work in all cases. It’s good when spouses have different interests, hobbies, and occupations, after all. Then there is always something to talk about and share with your chosen one. If one spouse is more emotional and the other is calm, this will help resolve most conflicts. But if, for example, she has plans for motherhood immediately after marriage, and he does not consider it necessary to have children until he reaches the top rung of the career ladder, disagreements in such a couple will be quite difficult to resolve. This is just one small example of what can cause a marriage to collapse, and there are simply countless similar cases.

Parent-child model

The parent-child model is characterized by a combination in the psychological portrait of one spouse of such qualities as care, patronage, desire to educate and teach, and in the other, on the contrary, spontaneity, spontaneity, and reluctance to take responsibility. In such a family, one spouse will take on the responsibilities and functions of a parent, while the other will play the role of a child. In general, family relationships will be characterized by integrity, psychological compatibility and stability.