Locus of control in psychology: what is it in simple words, examples

Greetings, friends!

Although many of us do not realize it, all people perceive the events that happen to them in completely different ways. Some people think that their life depends only on themselves and on the decisions they make. Others rely on fate or external circumstances in everything. The tendency of an individual to explain his achievements and failures only by external or only internal factors is called locus of control. Today we will talk about what it is, what it is like and how it is formed.

What is locus of control?

Locus of control is a concept in psychology that characterizes a person’s tendency to perceive his successes or failures as a consequence of personal qualities or external circumstances. Accordingly, there are two options:

External locus of control (externality) - successes and failures are the result of a combination of circumstances beyond a person’s control;
Internal locus of control (internality) - successes and failures are the result of invested efforts, decisions made and depend primarily on personal qualities, and not on a combination of circumstances;

This term is derived from the Latin word locus (translated as “place” or “location”) and from the word “control”, which does not need explanation. It denotes a certain abstract space in which, according to a person, the factors that determine his life are concentrated. The term was coined by American psychologist Julian Rotter in his book Social Learning and Clinical Psychology, first published in 1954.

Locus of control is a fairly stable personality property that does not change over time and is practically not amenable to correction by psychotherapeutic methods. At the same time, modern psychology has quite accurate methods that make it possible to unambiguously determine which specific locus a person possesses.

Internal locus of control is considered preferable. Internality speaks of a high level of maturity, discipline and independence of the individual. But externality is often accompanied by infantilism and aggressiveness, which do not contribute to the development of good relationships with others.

How to properly get rid of overcontrol

As mentioned above, the habit of controlling everyone can significantly ruin the life of not only those who are being controlled, but also the “controller” himself: relationships are destroyed, and his own complexes and fears are aggravated. Therefore, overcontrol in psychology is considered a condition that needs to be fought. There are several ways to do this. We have listed the most effective of them below.

Notice in time

Controlling behavior is inherent to each of us to a certain extent.
It is important to keep it within limits, preventing it from entering the stage of over-control. Most often this happens in moments of crisis, betrayal, failure, when the degree of trust in people is critically reduced. That is, when “the ground disappears from under your feet,” and the best way to stay on your feet seems to be to take everything into your own hands. Strengthen control. This feeling is always accompanied by signs that the desire to control is developing into a need. These include: tension, obsessive giving of advice and instructions, accusations, ignoring feelings (both your own and others). It is at this moment that it is important to stop and do nothing. Just think about what happened, why and how you can fix everything without using over-control.

Find the roots

During the pause, try to sort the current situation into pieces.
The most important question you must answer for yourself is whether your hypercontrol makes sense. Does it help you in life or hinder you. The best way to do this is a classic analysis of the pros and cons on a piece of paper. The next step is to determine where the desire to control comes from. Answers to the following questions will help you with this:

What exactly causes you strong fear, worry, anxiety;
What could lead to the habit of controlling everything (parents, situation, circumstances);
What will happen if you “let go of the reins”, will something terrible and inevitable really happen;
How much of what you are trying to control concerns you and whether it can be controlled at all;
What is the purpose of your control and what will it give you.

This analysis of the situation will help you decide how much and what you are afraid of. This can be used to carry out the procedure of alienation from the control habit. Make it a rule, every time you feel the “precursors” of overcontrol, to mentally stop yourself and remind yourself of where and why you got this habit. And that it is quite possible to do without it.

Reboot

Good results are also achieved by switching attention and rebooting, during which it is important to carry out the following actions:

Shift focus to your interests, your behavior and your choices; direct all your vitality and attention precisely to these goals;
Consider from a different angle the objects of your concern - their feelings, desires, needs;
Restore trust in yourself - your sensations, perceptions, feelings;
Make an installation: when a desire to control arises, consider alternatives to such behavior and their results.

Another way to distract yourself from controlling behavior is to relax and unwind.
Control is tension, a loss of physical and emotional strength; rest - relaxation and recovery. Therefore, it is impossible to get rid of hypercontrol without learning to fully rest. Try to follow the following rule of a happy person: at work, don’t think about rest, and when on vacation and at home, don’t think about work. To really relax, you don’t have to take a long-term vacation; vacation can be productive even in daily “portions.” You just need to choose the most pleasant ways to spend your time, which will help you take the burden of everyday worries off your shoulders. And set aside a little time every day just for this. It doesn’t matter what you do at this time: read, chat with friends, do flowers, embroider, listen to music, take a bath, do cosmetic procedures or play sports. The main thing is that it helps you relax.

No control

Let us remember that most cases of “overcontrol” are led by traumatic situations, as a result of which trust in others is lost.
And the very concept of the habit of controlling everything excludes trust - the “controller” does everything (monitors, analyzes, makes decisions, evaluates) himself. Therefore, try to change your strategy for relationships with people, trust them. Try to reduce your criticality and pickiness. Give your loved ones freedom, personal space, the opportunity to make their own decisions and choose goals. Even if they are incorrect in your opinion.

This can be very difficult. Treat this as an experiment. Trust and see what happens. Delegate your powers to your family, friends and colleagues. But gradually, not abruptly. Starting with easy tasks. And focus on yourself.

Firstly, you will have more free time, which you can use for your own benefit. Secondly, tension will go away both inside you and in your relationships with others. Thirdly, you will see that from your “inaction” the world not only did not collapse, but even became better. There are no more quarrels and insults, and the objects of care are no longer so defenseless against life. They have become more independent and responsible.

Set boundaries

If the reason for the increased level of control is a violation of the boundaries of personal space, you need to try to establish them.
Respect and observance of personal space is a recognition of individuality and independence. Understand that your object of control (lover, spouse, child) is not one with you, but rather an addition. Designate the boundaries of your personal space - the territory where you feel good and comfortable. Where no one can go unless you want them to. This is not difficult to do: take a moment when you can retire. Take a comfortable position, close your eyes and take 2-3 deep breaths. Imagine yourself somewhere in the forest, in the middle of a field, on the seashore - where you feel comfortable and happy. Now mentally outline (or designate in some way) a zone of maximum comfort around you. This will be your personal space with limited access.

Those who like to check pockets, wallets, phones and emails, and read diaries need to remember that this is also an invasion of the personal space of others. Practice shows that even setting passwords can be simply an attempt to protect this very space, and not a way to hide something bad or secret.

Therefore, try to occupy yourself with something else, more useful than trying to find something that does not exist. This advice also applies to those who are used to monitoring their care recipient by telephone. Call only as a last resort for a really important matter, and then the subscriber will always be available, and his voice will not be angry and irritated.

Examples

An external locus of control makes a person believe that everything good and bad happens in his life due to external circumstances. For example, he can give the following explanations for the events happening to him:

graduated from university with bad grades because the education system in the country is bad;
I was late for work because there were traffic jams;
the salary is low because the management does not appreciate it;
It is not possible to get rid of excess weight due to bad heredity.

He also explains positive events by external circumstances. For example, many students believe that they entered the university by pure luck, and subsequently it seems to them that they are often lucky in their studies. And yet, much more often, externality manifests itself in the fact that a person blames circumstances and others for his troubles.

Individuals with an internal locus of control consider events that happen to them to be their own achievements or failures. Typically their explanations look like this:

I didn’t study very diligently, that’s why my grades were bad;
I was late for work because I left very late;
the salary is low because there are not enough qualifications for promotion;
excess weight cannot be lost due to poor eating habits and reluctance to exercise.

Of course, individuals with an internal locus of control also credit positive events to their own merits. They consider good education, discipline, a slim figure, high income, etc. In communication, such people are more pleasant, because they are always confident in themselves and almost never exude negativity.

Deceptive Control

Perfectionism and the desire to control everything are inherent in us by nature, because in the primitive world full of danger, man had to be on the alert every second and his life sometimes depended on his vigilance. In modern reality, basic control is also useful, but an excessive desire to constantly “keep your finger on the pulse” can significantly poison our existence.

The problem is that it is simply impossible to control absolutely everything - if you find yourself in one of the situations in which nothing depends on him, the perfectionist controller is doomed to experience anxiety and even fear, even panic attacks. By taking on a lot of things and trying to keep everything under control, a person wastes a huge amount of energy instead of using it to achieve truly important goals. Thus, the desire to control everything only harms our development. But how can you stop doing this and not worry?

First of all, it is worth realizing that control is just an illusion. Constantly being in tension and vigilantly monitoring everything that happens around, it is impossible to protect yourself from unforeseen situations. Accept that there is no such thing as complete control.

Personality types by locus of control

In his works, Dr. Julian Rotter described in detail what locus of control is and what it is. In his opinion, only two options are possible. In the process of growing up, one of them becomes the main one, after which it no longer changes, but only strengthens. Accordingly, on this basis two types of personality can be distinguished:

Internal. Such people are confident that they are in complete control of their lives. Thanks to this, they are more disciplined, responsible and self-confident.
External. People with an external personality type believe that all events in their lives occur by coincidence and due to external factors. They are usually infantile and quite conflict-ridden, because in case of any failure they immediately come up with why those around them are to blame.

Locus of control is one of the most important factors in personal success. It determines what life position a person chooses, how disciplined he is in business and personal life, and how his relationships with colleagues and friends develop. As noted above, internal personalities are more successful in all areas of life, since they are more responsible in business and more pleasant in communication.

Let's look at each type in more detail.

Internal type (internal locus of control)

People with this personality type take responsibility for their lives and for all decisions, both good and bad. Thanks to this, internal integrity and emotional stability are maintained. Internal personalities are characterized by high self-esteem and self-confidence ; they do not lament or worry about mistakes. Instead, they focus on how to act to solve current problems.

Internal personalities usually readily defend their views and beliefs both in work matters and in their personal lives. This is confirmed by an experiment in which American students participated. The purpose of the experiment was different, but already at the stage of forming focus groups an interesting pattern was revealed: almost all students actively participating in the struggle for human rights turned out to be internal personalities.

The essence of the study was to test how locus of control affects a person’s ability to get rid of bad habits. Students were introduced to visual materials about the dangers of smoking (all participants in the experiment were smokers). The internals, realizing the harmfulness of the habit, immediately tried to quit (albeit not always successfully). But the externals did nothing at all. Instead, they planned to one day solve the problem with pills or chewing gum.

Omnipotent control - the perception of oneself as the cause of everything that happens in the world (defense mechanism)

Omnipotent control is a mental process classified as a psychological defense mechanism. It consists of a person’s unconscious belief that he is able to control everything. A natural consequence of such a conviction is a person’s feeling of responsibility for everything around him and the feeling of guilt that arises if something gets out of his control.

Modern interpretations of this mental mechanism refer to the features of the child’s psyche described by Jean Piaget - “egocentrism,” that is, the perception of oneself as the center of the universe, the point of reference. At a very early age, a person is not yet fully aware of himself as something separate from the world around him. Feeling within himself desires and the ability to act, he does not yet have sufficiently developed empathy and understanding of the world around him to assume that someone else has desires and the ability to spontaneously act. Despite the fact that such a perception of the world is normally outgrown, a person does not lose the ability for it, and it can manifest itself in a certain context.

Egocentrism is the inability or unwillingness of an individual to consider a point of view other than his own as worthy of attention. Perceiving your point of view as the only one that exists. The term was introduced into psychology by Jean Piaget to describe the features of thinking characteristic of children under the age of 8-10 years. For various reasons, this feature of thinking, to varying degrees of severity, may persist into adulthood.

Jean Piaget in his books describes several experiments he conducted that demonstrate children's egocentrism. For example:

Experiment with a toy and a mountain. The child is carefully shown a miniature landscape from all sides, depicting a mountain with houses, trees, etc. After that, he is seated on a chair in front of this landscape and asked to describe what he sees. The child describes that part of the “mountain” that is visible to him. After this, on the opposite side of the “mountain,” a toy is placed on a chair, and the child is now asked to describe what the toy sees. Despite the obvious difference to an adult between what is visible from the child’s chair and what is visible from the toy’s chair, the child repeats the description given the first time. The result was interpreted by Piaget as the child's inability to imagine himself in the place of the toy.
Another experiment was that a child was asked two questions in succession: the first - how many brothers and sisters he has, the second - how many sisters and brothers his brother or sister has. The answer to the second question was one less person than the first. This was interpreted to mean that the child does not consider himself a “brother or sister”, that is, he is not aware that he may not be the central object.

The feeling of omnipotent control, as in childhood, protects us from the feeling of defenselessness, the inability to control our life. This mechanism can manifest itself in the form of all sorts of superstitions and rituals that create the impression of being able to predict or change one’s future where there is no real control. More “straightforward” attempts to control your life are also possible, putting pressure on people or even performing completely rational actions. Be that as it may, in escaping the feeling of helplessness with the help of “omnipotent control,” a person adheres to an unrealistic and unconscious fantasy of his (at least potential) ability to completely control his life and everything that concerns it.

It is obvious that even with the fantasy of one’s own omnipotence, a person sooner or later is faced with the fact that something did not happen as planned. In these situations, the destructive side of this defense mechanism is especially acute - the person unreasonably considers himself to blame for what happened. Just as a small child, angry at his mother, may decide that it was because of his anger that the plane shown on TV crashed, so an adult may believe that it was his wrong actions or thoughts that were the only and decisive reason for the undesired result.

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External type (external locus of control)

Representatives of this group tend to attribute all successes and failures to external circumstances. They passively wait for gifts from life all the time, because they do not have the idea that they need to put in some effort to achieve success. At the same time, they are prone to depression and causeless aggression, so it is difficult to call them pleasant people.

In addition, external personalities are usually gambling , because they always rely on sudden luck. They are prone to unjustified risks, often behave impulsively, without thinking about the consequences (after all, in their view, everything depends on fate, and not on their decisions).

Another feature of people with an external locus of control is a tendency towards conformity, which has been confirmed experimentally. Participants in this experiment were required to agree or disagree with certain statements (and correct answers were rewarded financially). The organizers found that internals preferred to use their own opinions, while externals often agreed with other participants, even when the answer sounded illogical.

How is locus of control formed?

Children are initially characterized by externality. The way a child’s worldview is structured is that for him everything depends on his parents and adults in general. But as he grows up, he develops an understanding that he is capable of making decisions independently and influencing the world around him. Typically, the tendency towards internality or externality is laid down in childhood and consolidated in adolescence, but some events can change the personality type in adulthood.

Psychologists name the following factors that form the locus of control:

Personality characteristics. Many personal characteristics, both innate and acquired, are important here. For example, a responsible and purposeful person with a strong character is more prone to internality. Intelligence and the ability to think critically play a significant role.
Upbringing. The main turning point is the child’s early childhood. Children initially have an external locus of control, reasonably believing that their entire lives depend on adults. And when they are just learning to make decisions on their own, it is very important that their parents support them, helping them switch to an internal locus. If parents are prone to overprotection, then an external locus of control is most often established in children.
Religiosity and superstition. The belief that our entire life depends on external forces or fate also does not contribute to the development of internality. If the day is not going well, it is easier for a person with an external locus of control to blame the black cat that crossed the road than to admit his own mistakes.
Turning points in life. Every person has memories of some fateful moments. And how he perceives these moments often determines his locus of control. For example, one student may believe that he got into university thanks to many years of preparation, while another believes that he got in through a series of random strokes of luck.
Environment. If an adult finds himself in a team where all colleagues are dissatisfied with life and blame the company management for everything, this can form an external type of perception in him even in adulthood.

Education plays a critical role in shaping the locus of control. The model of perception chosen in childhood is reinforced as life experience is gained. Internal personalities constantly see the consequences of their actions, while external personalities are increasingly convinced that their lives are subject to circumstances. Therefore, it is extremely difficult for an adult to change the locus of control. And yet some fateful events can do this. And with some effort in the right direction, you can change your perception on your own.

Psychological control of a person

Nobody likes to be controlled. It usurps our ability to act using free will, to perceive the world as we see it ourselves, and to freely choose our own values, beliefs, and actions without hindrance. On the other hand, if behavioral control never existed, the world would turn into chaos. So how can we distinguish constructive control from destructive control?

Each of us has repeatedly encountered the actions of other people aimed at controlling our behavior, emotions, or even beliefs. Some of these actions, for example, caring correction of a small child’s behavior or emotional reactions on the part of loving parents, are quite adequate and beneficial for personality development. But if parental behavioral control continues to be carried out in relation to children who are already growing up or adult, then it most often becomes destructive, destroying both the emotional sphere of the children and relationships with parents: “Maaam! I'm already an adult!

Destructive forms of psychological control also include attempts by authoritarian and totalitarian states, political parties, religious sects and criminal communities to control people’s beliefs for their own selfish purposes.

What is psychological control?

Psychological control (psychological intrusion) is a type of mechanism for manipulating the emotions and beliefs of other people for one’s own purposes. Manipulation is a way to covertly influence a person through indirect, deceptive, insulting, or aggressive tactics. In general, manipulation can affect not only the spiritual sphere, but also behavior. In this case, it is a form of behavioral control. Control of behavior is absolutely necessary at a certain stage in the upbringing of children by parents, but it becomes inappropriate in the relationships of adults and mature individuals, moving into the category of destructive behavior.

Education and parental control

Normal behavioral control in the process of upbringing is expressed in the efforts of parents to standardize, regulate and control the child’s behavior. Such behavioral control is a natural buffer factor for preventing emotional distress and behavioral problems in children who, due to age or developmental characteristics, are not able to comply with the norms and rules of life in society, do not always know exactly how to behave and how to react in certain life situations. situations. Such parental supervision is appropriate if it is age-appropriate and carried out with respect for the child's autonomy and personal boundaries, in the context of showing emotional warmth and sincere involvement in the child's interests and problems.

On the other hand, inadequate parental psychological control may be associated with the development of emotional problems in children, adolescents and adults. Such maladaptive parental control manifests itself in the form of multivariate manipulation strategies and is most often directed against the autonomy of growing and developing children:

emotional blackmail: “If you don’t do it, I won’t talk to you”
imposing feelings of guilt: “Mom became seriously ill after giving birth to you”
overwhelming imposition: “Mommy loves you so much.”
refusal of love: “Eat, otherwise your mother won’t love you.”

Inadequate psychological control negatively affects children, suppressing them emotionally, disrupting the ability to establish emotional connections with other people, and significantly limiting the development of their personal identity and autonomy. Children raised in conditions of strict psychological control have low self-esteem, problems with emotional regulation and are more likely than others to suffer from depressive episodes and depression.

Destructive psychological control as a form of manipulation

If someone begins to control your beliefs, emotions and behavior, then he is simply robbing you of part of your own Self. In fact, by obediently succumbing to manipulation by your parents, boss or “talking head” from TV, you cease to be yourself with with all its originality and originality. You begin to try to change your real sincere feelings, your real beliefs to those that are beneficial to others. Even if you convince yourself at the level of consciousness that “black” is “white,” then at a subconscious level a conflict will ripen in your soul between the need to think one thing, say another, and feel a third. Due to internal conflicts, psychosomatic disorders (peptic ulcers, hypertension) may occur, you may begin to suffer from shame, guilt, self-denial, and decreased self-esteem. If you see or feel that you are in such a relationship, then know that you are being manipulated and controlled.

Feeling controlled by someone else can be one of the worst feelings in life. Every person by nature has the right to freedom of feelings, emotions and beliefs. Control limits our ability to explore the world around us, to develop and grow in our own way, and to make our own decisions and learn from their consequences. Inadequate psychological control can destroy relationships (personal and professional), destroy trust, and lead to passive defensive or active aggressive reactions. This is true not only at the level of interpersonal relations, at the level of relations between society and state institutions.

The necessary adequate control (both at the personal and societal level) must be balanced with respect for personal boundaries and autonomy, respect, compassion, understanding and patience. Without these things, the necessary psychological and behavioral control turns into a dictatorship, making people slaves. Feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, imposed feelings of guilt, the need to constantly make excuses, mental confusion are emotional markers of destructive personal, business or social relationships in which they manipulate and try to control you.

Why might people try to control you?

Here's what usually causes some people to control the behavior of others:

Their own feelings of helplessness and insignificance,
The desire to turn the actions of other people to one's own benefit,
Attempts to hide one's own shortcomings
Attempts to avoid responsibility, the need to act,
The desire to get rid of their own anxieties, which they are not able to cope with on their own,
Hoping to ensure that you will never leave or reject them,
Deep-seated fears of being unattractive to yourself or other people.

Often, a manipulator is characterized by elevated scores on the 4th MMPI scale (SMPI) - a scale of psychopathic deviations or impulsivity.

Signs of psychological control in private, business and public relationships

A controlling person or organization often exaggerates the severity of the situation and uses words such as “always” or “never” to describe themselves or others: “You never loved me!”, “I always try so hard for you!”, “International Political The situation is very tense!”
The controller bribes you with flattery, favors, help or gifts: “You are so talented!”
The manipulating person bombards you with expectations, rules, or desires. Often, this is the most difficult type of psychological control. Any meeting with such a person can feel like hard work, where you need to meet expectations, and not cause disappointment: “Darling, you are the ideal man I have dreamed of all my life!”, “If I behave well, you will take me in Bali?”, “You must be the best (beautiful, rich, cool)”, “You don’t want to disappoint us?”
The manipulator takes care of you like a child, first of all by controlling where you are and what you are doing. If you feel discomfort from constant and intrusive control, then this is no longer a concern, but an attempt to control you.
A person who controls others appeals to basic fears (emotional, physical and financial) with his words and actions: “Do you want to be left alone?”, “Do you want to be left without money, work and friends?”, “What do you want as in Paris?”, “This is for your own safety.”
A controlling person constantly reminds you of his or her utmost importance, asserting a position of power and dominance in the relationship. “You learn from me”, “Eggs don’t teach a chicken”, “If not him, then who?”, “This is not the place for discussion!”
A controlling person does not give you the opportunity to answer on the merits during discussions, cutting off, suppressing and “making fun” of you: “What will be your positive decision?”, “Okay, quickly signed here and here”, “Let’s not argue!”, “ If grandma were grandpa..."
A controlling person tries to lower your self-esteem and cause a feeling of guilt: “You ruined my life!”, “Who are you?”, “What have you done for the Motherland?”
A controlling person pits relatives, employees, social or other groups of people against each other, using base motives: “Vasilich, he’s changing his second car in a year!”
A controlling person often appeals to absolute values. Strict religious or moral and ethical standards are used to induce feelings of guilt: “You are a believer!”, “You are a communist!”, “Quit your pride and show due humility!”
A controlling person refuses to admit guilt for his own actions and mistakes, shifting it onto others: “You ruined my life!”, “Start with yourself,” “This is all the machinations of the State Department!”
When interacting with a controlling person, you feel used, intimidated, guilty, and embarrassed.
A controlling person is only kind and accommodating to you when he or she wants something in return.

How to resist psychological control over your feelings and beliefs

When you realize that a person is trying to psychologically control you for their own purposes, it is important to remember that you have every right to protect yourself from physical, emotional and mental harm and damage.

You have the right to speak your own mind, discuss your own needs, and by default you deserve respect. While the person trying to control you will obviously not like to hear all of these statements, it is important that you start by setting and reclaiming your boundaries and right to autonomy.

Remember that you have every right not to do, feel or think what the controlling person wants you to do. You have the right not to sacrifice your own happiness, well-being and integrity by not succumbing to their manipulative ways of controlling them. By standing up for yourself, your autonomy, and refusing to submit to controlling behavior, you will even be doing the manipulator a favor, as you can make him understand the destructive nature of his behavior.

Having recognized the manipulation, first of all, do the following:

Calmly say “no” to what is contrary to your Self. Say “no” to yourself and out loud to someone who is trying to control you.
Talk openly with the controlling person about how they make you feel. However, avoid emotions, judgment, anger, disappointment or tears. Be calm and express your feelings. If this doesn't help, consider whether your disappointment in the relationship is worth it and whether you should continue to feel controlled by this person in the future.
Ask the person if he understands that he is trying to manipulate you and what makes him do it. Without getting into an argument, explain that you don't appreciate attempts to control you. If he has noble (as it seems to him) goals for his behavior, then it leads to the opposite effect, causing tension in relationships or cooperation.
Be clear about your personal boundaries, for example: “I will not work for free after hours or on weekends.”
Communicate honestly with a person; when you think that he is treating you with disrespect, immediately and openly tell him about it.
Remember that by accepting gifts and services, you show the manipulator that he has the right to exploit you.
People who “have your best interests at heart,” want to “change you for the better,” “grow you into a human being,” control you only because they are struggling with their own insecurities, low self-esteem, worry and anxiety, using hypercontrol as a means of their own psychological protection.
Remind yourself and the manipulator that you are not the source of his problems, and he must independently take responsibility for his actions and their consequences, for example: “I am not to blame for your addiction, and I will not give you money for a dose (bottle). And if you steal money, you will be caught and convicted.”
Keep a healthy emotional distance and avoid interacting with a controlling person (even virtually) if you can.
Avoid manipulative people until you are strong enough to accept their controlling behavior without emotion. If you get angry or show any signs of anger, the manipulator will immediately turn the situation around and blame you: “You are angry (screaming, annoyed)!”
Openly minimize the person's expectations and desires for you, communicate that you cannot accept his rules, and cannot be held responsible for what he likes or does not like.
Maintain strong personal boundaries and be careful what you say to others: do not let them find out your weak points. You don't have to tell anyone what you feel, worry, desire or fear.
When controlling in cyberspace, do not get into arguments, do not look at messages and letters from the person controlling you, block him on social networks, and inform him of your decision and your personal boundaries in a mature way: by calling.
If a person speculates on high or religious feelings to make you feel guilty, remember that this type of behavior has nothing to do with faith, religion, or love for the Motherland. Focus on the truth: don't let anyone blame you if you have nothing to blame for.
Remember, if a person manipulates or controls you, then this already means that he does not love you and treats you without respect, no matter what he says.
Prioritize your own needs and the needs of others. Try to maintain physical, emotional and spiritual health to cope with manipulation and psychological control.
Remember that other people are responsible for their own happiness, not you.

Join support groups, learn to resist other people's control and manipulation, and seek professional psychological help.

Andrey Demkin

Meaning

Is there any practical benefit to the average person in understanding what locus of control is? This information seems interesting and informative, but even without it, any person knows perfectly well that only those individuals who take full responsibility for their lives , their decisions and their mistakes achieve success. It’s not just that many self-improvement techniques are aimed at this.

It’s not just externals who need to work on themselves, trying to turn an external locus of control into an internal one. Internals also often need to slightly ease the pressure on themselves, because they tend to try to control everything, even that which does not need their control.

Locus of control is the most important factor for success in all areas of life. This is not just the ability to be responsible for your actions, it is a complete feeling that you can achieve any goals by putting effort in the right directions. And even people with an external locus of control can form this feeling. It’s enough to start asking yourself the right questions and answering them honestly.

How to control your emotions

Five emotions that prevent us from living: pride, envy, anger, pity and fear.

Eastern wisdom

Few people have the ability to control their emotions. This is a great achievement for a person who is not easy to achieve. But it is worth striving for. After all, a person who controls his emotions largely controls his life. Emotions are an element that definitely needs control. Because it is under the influence of emotions that people make most mistakes in their lives. People by nature are quite emotional creatures, so a person needs to make quite a big effort to cope with his natural essence. But the main thing is that it is possible in principle to do this. Anyone can learn to control their emotions. Therefore, all that remains is to figure out exactly how this can be done. This is what we will talk about in this article.

Why do emotions arise?

The first step is to understand why and how a person experiences emotions in order to be able to prepare for them. Emotions arise in any case, they cannot be avoided, they can only be controlled. And they arise due to external and internal stimuli, to which we naturally react emotionally. It is impossible to divide stimuli into those to which we react emotionally and those that do not cause us emotions, because everything that we deal with in the external world and that affects us from the inside causes us emotions. It’s just that in some cases we may have a moderate emotional reaction to something, while in others it can be quite violent. Emotions are an innate reaction at the reflex level. Nature made man this way so that he could react to certain stimuli as quickly as possible. From birth we cannot think, reflect, analyze, evaluate, compare; we need to learn this. And a person needs to react to certain stimuli as soon as he is born. In addition, conscious comprehension of something requires much more time than an instantaneous reflex reaction to a particular stimulus. Therefore, an emotional reaction to something is a quick reaction. It is instinctive, unconscious, primitive, reflexive, but most importantly fast. And in nature, speed is of great importance. If our primitive ancestors, having met a predator, began to think about what and how they should do, they simply would not have survived. But the emotions that they experienced at that moment, primarily fear, forced them to make quick decisions necessary to save their lives. Therefore, in this sense, emotions are our defense against various kinds of threats to which a person must be able to quickly respond. Another thing is that not in all situations they should prevail over reason. Therefore, you need to be able to pacify them. To learn how to do this, let's look at emotions in more detail.

What are emotions

We have already learned something about emotions. Now we will learn even more about them. Emotions are, firstly, as I already said, a primary reflexive reaction to any stimuli, and secondly, it is the energy that moves a person. It is emotions that motivate a person to take certain actions. Emotions are like electricity for electrical appliances - they trigger everything else, including the thought processes inside a person. Therefore, they are not only inevitable, but also necessary. A person without emotions is a completely passive person; he is not interested in anything or cares about anything. I once thought that a person could do without emotions, becoming cold and calculating, and then, after more careful study of this topic, I realized that this is impossible. Emotions for us are vital energy, thanks to which we strive for something or run away from something; it animates our bodies. Thanks to her, we truly live. But in order to curb this energy, it is necessary to develop a different reaction to various stimuli, replacing emotions with reason. That is, with the help of special training [they will be discussed below], you need to develop the habit of launching the thought process in those situations that usually evoke any emotions in a person. Such training will help you not to give in to your emotions and always maintain reason and calm in order to act thoughtfully in any situation, and not to react thoughtlessly to everything.

Managing Emotions

So, in order to develop the habit of reacting rationally to various stimuli, you need to learn to launch the thought process in order to not allow emotions to take control of your mind. To launch it, you need to start loading your brain with the right questions related to the situation that evokes certain emotions. That is, it’s all about a person’s attention - what he directs it to is what he will work on. By directing attention to thinking, with the help of correctly posed questions, a person gives energy to it, and not to emotions. And thus, he extinguishes his emotions, depriving them of energy. And that means he controls them.

I understand that this is easy to say, but not easy to do. In the end, whether we like it or not, emotions will always be our very first reaction to something, so without effort a person will not be able to turn on his thinking. But it is not such a big effort that it would be difficult to undertake. You can train yourself to think rather than react very quickly if you practice often - asking yourself various questions in certain emotional situations. If you feel that some kind of emotion is awakening in you, no matter what, immediately ask yourself a question that will allow you to understand why and where this emotion came from, how relevant it is and how it can be replaced - what a reasonable decision. For example, if you are faced with a situation that causes you fear, then you need to start asking questions about the cause and meaning of this fear, so that with the help of thinking you can begin to delve into it, take it apart and remove from it all the elements of uncertainty that constitute his strength. Thus, with the help of thinking it will be possible to dissolve this emotion, depriving it of its power with your consciousness. This is how you can do with all other emotions - study them with the help of well-posed questions in order to deprive them of their power and power over a person. And this power will be replaced by the power of reason.

If you want to cope with negative emotions, ask positive questions and use them to look for the positive in the negative. If you want to cope with positive emotions [they can also be harmful - they blind a person] - ask negative questions - look for a catch, think about what is hidden behind everything joyful and good and about who can take advantage of your relaxed state. If you are angry, think either about the negative consequences that you may face because of your anger, ask yourself appropriate questions for this, or about the clues that life gives you to push you in the right direction. After all, very often a person gets angry because something is not going the way he wants, without realizing that other scenarios for the development of events in his life can be much more useful and interesting for him. In general, counter the innate emotional response with the power of your intellect - train your mind with questions that it needs to think about, then it will work. When a person experiences emotions, his brain is asleep and therefore unconscious, reflexive [animal] behavior dominates in it. And you can cope with it only with the help of the mind, which turns on when a person thinks.

Thus, thinking is a tool for controlling emotions. By developing his thinking, a person gains power over himself. At the same time, there is a fundamental difference between knowledgeable people and thinking, thinking people. Knowledgeable people may seem very smart because they know a lot, but their intelligence ends where their knowledge ends. And therefore, in situations in which they simply do not know what to do correctly, these people can behave very emotionally, just like most ordinary people who do not know how to control their emotions behave. But a thinking person relies not so much on knowledge as on his ability to manage this knowledge. He skillfully uses the knowledge that he has and, by asking himself the right questions, can study any situation, any object, any people. Such a person is able to control his emotions almost always and everywhere.

So, friends, you need to train yourself to think in order to learn to control your emotions. This is the key to solving this problem. There are other ways to solve it, for example, you can fight some emotions with the help of others, but thinking is, in my opinion, the most reliable weapon against harmful emotions. And in order to think, you need to be able to ask questions, you need to become curious, like children who constantly ask adults the question “Why?” This is a very useful question. Many adults sometimes need it like air. After all, curiosity helps a person to understand the world, and it is impossible to know it without asking questions, and therefore, without thinking about all the things that surround us. The habit of thinking, asking questions, and looking for new information makes a person’s mind alive, flexible, and responsive to any changes. With such a mind, no emotions will be scary for a person.

Emotions and thinking

Emotions and thinking are completely different things. In one case, nothing is required from a person, his psyche will do everything itself, causing the necessary emotional state in him, and in the other, efforts must be made to behave more competently and adequately. The more primitive a person is, the more emotional he is, since emotions are the only known and habitual reaction to any irritants. An emotional response to external or internal stimuli is an easier way of existence for a person. Emotions do not require any tension from him, no volitional efforts, they simply exist - they arise on their own and go out on their own. An emotional person is like a ship without a captain who will sail wherever the wind blows. But thinking is managing oneself and circumstances; it requires will and effort from a person. A lazy person will not think; the one who is used to straining, used to doing something with the help of volitional efforts will think. This is why it is so difficult to take control of emotions - many people do not like to strain, it is easier for them to go with the flow rather than overcome the resistance of the external and internal environment.

The stimulus for the transition from an irrational and, therefore, emotional way of life to a reasonable one can be a person’s idea of the world in which he lives. The better a person understands this world, the more he will want to engage in his own development. It seems that we all want to live well, we want to be rich, successful in various matters, we want to feel safe, we want to be loved and respected by people, but not all of us understand how to achieve all this. And what we see in the example of successful people is not even the tip of the iceberg, it is its shadow. What they show to others and what they do are completely different things. Many of us think that we need to buy expensive things and start behaving like successful people behave, and then life will immediately change for the better. But this is all nonsense, of course. Real success is achieved in other ways. And one of these ways is the ability to make the right decisions, which in most cases are correct not due to intuition, but due to a person’s thinking about his decisions. And in order to think about them, you need to learn to think by curbing your emotions.

Emotions in many situations are our internal enemy. They prevent us from making the right decisions and at the same time help other people manipulate us. And if someone manipulates us, then we will begin to do things that are beneficial to the manipulator, and not to ourselves. We will be led by our emotions, which other people will skillfully evoke in us, and we will act as they need. What kind of success can we talk about then? By allowing himself to be manipulated, a person will become the source of someone else's success. And the fact that a person is easy to manipulate with the help of emotions is perfectly demonstrated by the same advertising, which quite effectively controls the majority of people. Therefore, developing your thinking means making a contribution to your happiness.

Simulation of the situation

Let's look at another very good way to prepare for situations that can cause strong emotions in a person that are difficult to cope with. Try to simulate these situations in your imagination, immerse yourself in them and consider several options for your behavior, which should be as thoughtful and effective as possible. Do this several times, like an actor in front of a mirror, train your psyche so that it is ready for the most likely scenarios in your life. And then all those events for which you prepare in this way will not take you by surprise, which means you will be able to cope with your emotions much better. The important thing here is to ensure that your thought is faster than your feelings. There is no problem yet, but you are already solving it - you are using your brain to be one step ahead of your reactions to certain situations, and not one step behind, as is the case with emotions. Notice how easily we get emotional when we are dealing with a situation that is unfamiliar to us. And why? But because we do not have a ready answer to the question that life poses to us. To prevent this from happening, imagine all the possible situations in which you may find yourself and find an answer to them, or better yet, several that will help you understand these situations. In other words, start starting the thought process before there is a reason for emotions to arise. Start controlling them before they happen.

Rest

One cannot fail to mention rest as one of the ways to control emotions. A person needs to have a good rest so as not to be too emotional, especially irritable. After all, when he gets tired, he no longer has enough resources to think about certain things, and he slips into emotions, as a more simple form of reaction to various stimuli, as we have found out. Therefore, the more tired you are, the more the quality of your thinking decreases, with the help of which you can process the information coming to you, and not just react to it. Well, it seems simple and understandable, however, many people do not attach much importance to rest and often neglect it. They can work a lot and rest little, and then, out of emotion, due to fatigue, make a bunch of different mistakes, the harm from which can significantly exceed the benefits of their hard work. But this is not always obvious, which is why many people often do not take their rest seriously, especially its most important form - sleep. So I invite everyone who doesn’t get enough rest to reconsider their views on this issue. Well-rested people, people who get enough sleep are more balanced.

Disidentification with one's self

And the last way that will help you control yourself and your emotions in the most difficult situations is the ability to abstract from your personality in order, so to speak, to look at yourself from the outside. To do this, you need to disidentify with your Self. Disidentification with your Self is a view of yourself as an outsider to whom what you observe in your life is happening. Sometimes it is even useful to imagine yourself as a different personality, that is, to consciously split your personality and from the position of the second personality to understand the problems of the first personality. This is similar to dissociative identity disorder [split personality], only in this case it does not happen by itself, as in the case of a mental disorder, but absolutely consciously, when a person invents a new identity for himself. In this case, the person will not get this disorder, although the habit of using this method of curbing his emotions may remain. Its meaning is not to experience certain events, feelings, emotions too totally, but to look at them from the outside. This method is well suited for those situations when a person is very, very bad, in great pain and suffers greatly, therefore he can no longer remain the person with whom he identifies himself. Split personality occurs precisely on this basis. Therefore, it is better to do this split yourself, consciously, than to wait until your psyche breaks down and you get an uncontrollable mental disorder. In my practice, this approach to solving problems with negative emotions has proven itself very well in the most difficult situations for people. But I advise you to resort to it only in extreme cases when you are unable to cope with your emotions over a long period of time using the same thinking.

These are the ways I can offer you to control your emotions. In principle, all of them are in one way or another connected with human thinking, with his rationality and awareness. I did not indicate the ways in which a person copes with some of his emotions with the help of others, because they are not very effective. Although in some cases you cannot do without them. Therefore, I will describe them in my other articles. In general, I believe that controlling your emotions through the thought process is the best, most reliable way. I told you how to start this process, so train your thinking so that even in the most unexpected, difficult and hopeless situations, you can remain calm and cool, and act extremely competently.