Keep your cool
How are men different from women? Logic of thinking. Men are less emotional and more reasonable. How to put your wife in her place during an argument? How to prevent the conflict from gaining momentum? You need to learn to keep your cool. Don't get emotional. Even if a woman begins to raise her voice, this does not mean that you should do the same. Try to distance yourself from the argument. Close your eyes, count to 10 and focus on your breathing. This simple technique produces amazing results. You don't have to practice meditation for long to learn how to stay clear-headed. Just don't let your emotions take precedence over your reason. Always be aware of what you are saying and why you are doing it. When your wife sees that you are not reacting to her attacks, she will automatically be able to control herself. If a person does not see a response in the opponent’s eyes, he sees no reason to continue to get excited and calms down.
Wife is like a habit. About codependency in the family
And on the contrary, it happens that a woman is driven not by a rosy dream, but by fear. Fear of being alone, of being abandoned and unnecessary. Low self-esteem does its job: a woman strives to become indispensable for her husband, to take on as many functions as possible. Instead of “I love you and I feel good with you,” it sounds like “you won’t leave me because you can’t live without me.” It turns out to be a kind of family dictatorship, a seizure of power. Overprotection serves not only as a “guarantee” of marriage, but also as a way to increase a woman’s self-esteem - albeit crooked, but effective. You can always say to those around you: “A caring wife like me is rare in our time, and if someone doesn’t care about her husband as zealously, this is a flawed wife, and what’s the use of her beauty and self-sufficiency...” Do men leave such dependent relationships? relationships? Someone strives to break free and find a woman who just feels good with him. Someone tries to escape, but returns - as usual, when your problems are solved. And someone is looking, oddly enough, for just such a wife.
A tendency toward codependency can manifest itself not only in overprotectiveness, but also in a woman’s pliability, excessive softness, and her willingness to dissolve in the interests of her loved one. On the one hand, a man can positively perceive the fact that he has a follower who indulges him. However, the richness and joy of communication lies in the fact that both participants bring their own colors, their own characteristics, interests, and discoveries into it.
And if a person lives with his own “clone”, he can quickly get tired of it and it will all end with the search for a companion with a richer inner world. You can talk for a long time about how the marriage will be built in this case, but there is a high probability that things will not come to a wedding at all. Women without pretensions rarely become wives. Often they get stuck in civil marriages, in codependent relationships, consoling themselves with the fact that “marriage is not important, what is important is that we are together.”
Become an authority
Don't know how to put your wife in her place? Only a person who is not an authority in the family can find himself in such a situation. All important decisions should be made by a man. Don't give your wife the opportunity to lead the relationship. There can only be one leader, and it should be you. A man who allows his wife to show his character from time to time is doomed to the fact that the woman will try to snatch the reins of power and become a leader. This cannot be allowed. Position yourself in such a way that a woman cannot make all important decisions without your knowledge. Does this seem too cruel to you? No. Any representative of the fair sex wants to see in her husband a stone wall and a strong shoulder to lean on. If a lady knows that she can rely on you, she will not pull the blanket over herself. And when she decides to do this, you can easily crush her with authority. Don't be afraid to be strong and courageous.
Support
How should a husband treat his wife? It has already been said that a man is a support for a woman. The head of the family, a “stone wall” that protects from troubles and danger. This is precisely the behavior inherent in a real man.
The most important thing is that there really is support. And so that it is not an illusion based on words. A beloved wife should feel safe with a man. Then she will be able to give her affection and love to her husband. Only in this case are harmonious relationships possible.
Unfortunately, the current trend is that wives are beginning to take on some of the men’s responsibilities, and they cannot rely on their spouses. This gives rise to intra-family problems that cannot be solved. A loving husband is a reliable protection and support for a woman. A person who gives confidence in the future.
Don't use force
A man must always be aware of his actions. Do not use force under any circumstances. Hitting a woman means showing disrespect for her. Only “low” people are capable of this. Don't you consider yourself that way? Then resolve all issues through verbal persuasion. How to put your wife in her place? Argue your position clearly. Do not use force under any circumstances, even if it is mild. Don't grab your wife's hand and don't try to reason with her by shaking her shoulders forcefully. This will only worsen the conflict. The physical wounds from the beating will heal, but the mental wounds will remain forever. You don’t know when your imbalance will backfire on you. In a year, a woman will be able to remember how you treated her rudely. Such grievances are not forgotten. Women are vindictive. They do not make concessions even to their loved ones.
“You need to marry an orphan!”
Mironov’s hero from the film “The Diamond Arm,” complaining about his marriage, said: “You need to marry an orphan!” , for which he immediately received a slap in the face from his missus. There is, of course, a grain of truth in this phrase, and having entered into a legal marriage, you, like Gesha Kozodoev, will more than once think in much the same way when her parents, especially her mother, begin to openly interfere in your personal life, trying to continue raising not only his daughter, but also his newly-made son-in-law. To protect your wife from the corrupting influence of your own mother, you need to choose wisely - marry the daughter of a businesswoman who is no longer up to raising her, or choose as your wife a girl whose parents live in the Arctic Circle. In general, you need to propose marriage to your chosen one, whose mother is absorbed in her career, work, personal life, small children, and writing her doctoral dissertation. The more productive your mother-in-law is, the calmer and more comfortable your life together will be.
Do not Cry
How to put your wife in her place in a relationship? You must solve all problems in a calm state. There is nothing wrong with venting emotions. But not in the midst of a conflict. There is nothing worse for a woman than seeing a man's tears. This shows the lady that the man she lives with is weak-willed. Such circumstances will harm your reputation. Always remember that women are talkative by nature. They share with their friends all the details of their personal lives. Did you cry during an argument? All your friends will know about this in two days. Tears are a manifestation of mental weakness. Resolving a conflict in this way is the last thing.
“Hello, Galochka, you won’t believe it!..”
Pay attention to how sociable your chosen one is and how this relates to your personal temperament. Here, too, everything depends on your personal views - are you ready to endure her correspondence, calls, chatting on the phone, her girlfriends in your common home, or will you resist this in every possible way. Moreover, women tend to share even the most intimate details with their mothers and friends, and then “implement” their advice, saying that “Lenka’s husband washes the dishes, and Vikin gave her a car for her birthday.” Ladies who are prone to comparisons, criticism from mothers and girlfriends, voiced through the lips of your missus for the purpose of motivation, need to be calculated in advance so that this does not poison life later.
Choosing a wife is not an easy question, but every real man can cope with it on his own. Sometimes it is difficult to protect yourself from disappointments, everyday problems, and misunderstandings. Here we can only say one thing - choose not only with your heart, but also a little with your mind. Learn to show emotions in family life, namely positive ones; as a rule, this is always much more difficult for men. Learn empathy - even the best wife expects you to understand and guess something yourself, because in fact this is not a big deal if you love a person. Treat your significant other with attention, listen to her - she doesn’t always say nonsense, between the nonsense she sometimes inserts things that are important for both of you.
And just in case, remember from time to time the words of Mayakovsky: I do not scold my wife, I will never leave her! It was with me that she became bad, but I took her... good!
empathy
Find the arguments
A man differs from a woman in that he thinks sensibly and judiciously. Support this opinion. In any quarrel, you need to predict in advance how the conflict will end safely. How to put your wife in her place without insults? Try to prove to the woman that she is wrong. It will be easy to convince a person of something if you follow logic and turn off your emotions. Try to find sound arguments to support your words. Give examples and statistics. The woman must realize that you are right. She may not admit that she lost the argument, but she must understand it. After the conflict ends successfully, talk to your wife and explain to her that there is no shame in making mistakes. You need to be able to lose gracefully and not make similar mistakes in the future.
Revolt of a convenient wife. How to build relationships where you are valued
Friends and family think he is wonderful. But when you are alone, he criticizes any of your initiatives, the most harmless remarks infuriate him, and having flared up, he quickly moves away and completely forgets about the incident. Or do you just think?
Patricia Evans' book is dedicated to the most common form of psychological violence - verbal aggression. It is based on interviews with 40 women, victims of verbal abuse, who endured years of criticism, devaluation, neglect and manipulation.
This cult book will tell you how to understand that your relationship with your partner is toxic, how to learn how to respond correctly to verbal aggression, and in which case the only way out is to pack your bags. Based on hundreds of real-life case studies, Patricia Evans offers strategies, dialogue scripts, and concrete action plans to help break the cycle of aggression and cope with its consequences.
The book is also published under the title “Doesn’t hit, just offends. How to recognize an abuser, stop verbal aggression and get out of a toxic relationship."
Bestseller for 30 years.
20 reissues.
Sold over 700,000 copies.
600 reviews on Amazon.com.
You need this book if:
· He gets angry or loses his temper several times a week or more, even though you haven't done anything to make him angry.
· He does not like to share his plans, thoughts and experiences with you.
· You feel that you “fall short” of his ideal.
· You are constantly afraid of doing something wrong so as not to anger him.
about the author
Patricia Evans is an internationally recognized interpersonal communications expert. Drawing on research from over 30,000 cases of verbally abusive relationships, she presents workshops and training programs throughout the country. Based in Northern California, she can be reached through her website, VerbalAbuse.com.
REVIEWS
“This book will help you understand that you don’t deserve to be treated this way.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“Instead of thinking about how to spend the weekend, you think: “what’s wrong with me,” “why can’t I explain what I want,” and “maybe I offended him in some way.” Your thoughts are in turmoil, and your emotions range from resentment to guilt and back. Is it possible to regain self-respect and confidence in such a situation? Surprisingly, the answer is yes. The first step is to clearly recognize what is happening. We often do not notice our partner’s hostility, inventing reasons for such behavior for him. Journalist, researcher of verbal aggression, and author of several books on this topic, Patricia Evans offers effective ways to resist attacks and maintain your personal boundaries. Whether it’s worth continuing the relationship, you decide for yourself.”
— Olga Sulchinskaya, chief editor of PSYCHOLOGIES.
Understand the true cause of the conflict
In any conflict there is a cause and there is a consequence. It is the consequence that usually comes to the surface. To resolve the conflict, you need to get to the bottom of the true cause. Women are not used to talking openly about their dissatisfaction. They operate according to a different scheme. An ordinary household quarrel over unwashed dishes can turn into a scandal. And the reason may be that the woman is sad and lonely. The wife wants her husband to spend more time with her. But she is ashamed to admit it openly. Try to put yourself in the shoes of your loved one and understand why she is dissatisfied now. Don't be afraid to dig deeper. The root of a problem is rarely found on the surface.
How to put your ex-wife in her place? Representatives of the fair sex are often possessive. They may be jealous of their ex-husband for his current passion. How to calm a woman down? Once you understand why your ex is unhappy, try to calm her down. If a woman cannot come to terms with the fact that your life has improved, but hers has not, assure the lady that she will still find her true love.
How to behave with your wife
Do not give water a way out, nor an evil wife - power.
(Sir. 25:28).
Husbands, treat your wives wisely, as with the weakest vessel, showing them honor, as joint heirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
(1 Peter 3:7).
Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
(Col. 3:19).
Lord, have mercy on my mother-in-law and my wife, but I myself will somehow live.
Russian proverb.
Let the husband not be arrogant towards his wife, not proud, but merciful, generous, wanting to please only his wife and caress her respectfully, trying to be to her liking, not dressing up in order to catch some other... For you must not people like to sin, but cling to God in order to live righteously and rest forever.
Apostolic Constitutions (1:3).
We see in stories that many wives corrupted their husbands and led them to destruction. Therefore, husbands should not give their wives any slack and allow them to do whatever they want, but should restrain the desire of their disorderly whims, so as not to suffer like others. The serpent approached Eve and deceived her. Eve, being deceived, deceived Adam and led him to destruction. This is how it happens now. The same ancient serpent approaches a wife, seduces her, and through the wife draws her husband to lawless deeds. Husband, be careful and do not follow your wife’s will and advice in everything, so that she does not begin to possess you and lead you where she wants. Eva always has her own character. Love her until God is disgusted. Let her, according to the apostolic word, fear you, and not you her, and let her obey you, and not you obey her.
Saint Tikhon of Zadonsk (1724–1783).
Only this power of his should not be despotic, but loving. Have a wife as a friend and with strong love force her to be submissive to you.
Saint Theophan, recluse of Vyshensky (1815–1894).
As for housekeeping and morality, you, as the main owner, have a duty to enter and, where something is bad, try to correct it with advice or so. According to the advice of the holy Apostle: insist, reprove, rebuke with all long-suffering and edification
(Compare: 2 Timothy 4:2). When you yourself are moved to rage, it means that you are also working with passions: from this, humble yourself, recognize your weakness and be forgiving in your thoughts towards your neighbors.
Venerable Leo of Optina (1768–1841).
Don't be harsh on them
(in Slavic,
don’t be upset towards them
- don’t be bitter for them), don’t show your power and your dominance in a way that would be bitter for your wife, so that it wouldn’t be an unbearable yoke, but make your very orders so that they testify to your love .
According to the teachings of the Holy Scriptures, the headship of the husband in the family is not tyranny, not humiliation and oppression, but active love. This power obliges the husband to love his wife as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her.
(Eph. 5:25). Love must be sober - not so much for the sake of the wife, but for the sake of obedience to the Lord (Col. 3:18).
Theologian Herman Szymansky (1915–1961).
So, loving is the job of husbands, and yielding is the job of wives. Therefore, if everyone does their duty, then everything will be strong; Seeing herself loved, the wife is friendly, and when she meets obedience, the husband is meek. Look how it works in nature, so that the husband loves and the wife is obedient; for when the superior loves the subordinate, then everything is fine. Love is not so much required from the subordinate, but from the superior to the subordinate, for obedience is required from the subordinate... Therefore, when a wife submits, do not be magnified; and you, wife, when your husband loves you, do not be arrogant; Let neither the love of a husband excite conceit in his wife, nor let the submission of a wife make her husband proud. God submitted her to you so that she would be more loved; and He inspired your husband to love you, wife, so that it would be better for you to obey... The union is possible in no other way. You have the necessary power by nature, but also have a union of love. This union allows the weakest to be tolerated.
The wife, you say, is acting impudently? But remember that she is a wife, a weak vessel, and you are a husband. This is why you were placed over her as a superior and head, in order to endure the weakness of her subordinate... As a king himself, he is the more worthy of respect, the more he elevates the honor of the boss under his control, and when he humiliates and dishonors his dignity, then he greatly reduces his own glory; so you, by dishonoring the boss under your control, greatly degrade the honor of your power... Remember also that evening on which the father, having called you, gave you his daughter, as if some kind of pledge for safekeeping, and, excommunicating him from everything, from his mother , from himself and from the house, entrusted all care of her to your right hand. Think that after God, you received children from her, became a father, and therefore be meek in relation to her.
Saint John Chrysostom († 407).
Give a compliment
How can you easily and without problems reason with a woman? In the heat of a quarrel, tell her some compliment. For example, that even in anger a woman looks beautiful, but you still like her more in a calm state. Such a statement will work better than any argument. Your wife will understand that you love her, despite the fact that she is a scandalous person. Have you put your wife in her place? A husband who is not deprived of ingenuity will not openly celebrate his victory. He will let go of the situation, taking it for granted, and next time he will try to eliminate the cause of the quarrel and prevent such conflicts from happening again.
A GOOD WIFE: WHAT IS SHE LIKE?
What kind of wife is she, a “good” one? What do men usually mean by this concept?
Psychologists say that a wife is only as good as her husband.
Before going into in-depth research into the “goodness” of wives, let’s understand for ourselves that in a matter like marriage, it is impossible to live without one very important condition. And this condition will be the ability to negotiate. Well, or at least the understanding that without the ability to negotiate in marriage it will be very difficult.
Without such a base, without such skills, there is nothing to do in marriage. If a person in a marriage is ready for an agreement, everything else is secondary. The outline of an ideal marriage is brief. One should not automatically agree with the point of view of the other, but the second should be able to express his own point of view, and not the general one. Finding a compromise in this situation is a happy marriage. At least these two may be fit for married life.
If in a marriage one of the partners begins to play games like “Guess for yourself what I want,” then it is immediately clear that such people are not ready for family life, and it is better for them not to get married at all. Or go to psychologists for help.
The desire of one of the couple to bend the other to himself, to force him to adapt only to his own needs, desires and aspirations is absolutely wrong.
And the recipe for a happy marriage necessarily includes respect for the tastes of the other spouse. If you like the sports channel, or you are ready to sit for hours in front of the TV, watching them fish, this does not mean at all that you need to scold your wife for loving some series or talk show . You derive some benefit for yourself from your favorite TV shows, so she does the same. Benefits himself. If you don’t like it at all, then it’s better not to prohibit it under any circumstances. It’s better to offer her the “carrot” than the “stick”. Applying pressure in family life is a dangerous matter. The whip will not solve problems, it will only make them worse. And a person who systematically resorts to the whip effect is a dangerous person in marriage.
Don't nag each other or put pressure on each other. Otherwise, you will soon lose each other. The ability to negotiate, the manifestation of mutual sympathy, this is what the union of two people should be based on.
Well, now to the question of good wives. Often, women ask themselves and psychologists the question of what prevents her from being both a good wife and herself. Psychologists, when they hear such a formulation in which clarifications are put in the “either-or” key, suggest that the lady ask herself several other questions. Having answered them, it will become easier for her, and she will no longer be afraid of being rejected and not needed by her wife and at the same time accept herself for who she is, respecting her own needs and characteristics. Below we provide a list of such questions:
Do you love and accept your sexuality and your own body;
Are you aware of your own feelings and needs;
You are capable of satisfying your own needs, in creative interaction with the world around you;
What are your contributions to the development of the relationship, and are they equivalent to the contributions of your partner;
Do you feel the boundaries of your personality in marriage and are you ready to defend these very boundaries?
Do you observe the boundaries of your marriage partner’s personality and are you ready to recognize them as inviolable;
How open you are in marriage, and whether you can perceive your partner’s openness.
If you, with all your desire and honestly, could not give a positive answer to one of these questions on the list, then your tossing between “being yourself” and “being a good wife” will continue. And these throwings are fruitless. It's time to grow up.
And one more thing, dear women, remember one thing: practically nothing depends on the man in marriage. If the lady wants, then both will have family happiness. If a lady does not want this, then no effort by a man will force her to do this.
In general, it is worth following the example of Eastern women. Their secret of family happiness lies in just two phrases, coming one after the other in a clear sequence: “Yes, dear. Whatever you say, my love." It's corny, but how it works...
