12 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship Between a Man and a Woman

You focus on changing your partner

In an unhealthy relationship, a person focuses all his efforts on changing his partner rather than himself. If you respected your partner, you would not try to mold him into the ideal man or woman you imagine. Thus, the relationship begins to revolve around your partner, and this is wrong. This will not make either of you happy. In a healthy relationship, partners respect and accept each other exactly as they are, and no one tries to change anyone.

Be careful, it will hurt: signs of an unhealthy relationship

Despite the fact that, in life, unhealthy relationships between a man and a woman occur quite often, there is no such definition in psychology. Experts prefer to say disharmonious relationships - that is, these are those relationships where one or both partners constantly experience discomfort. The extent of this discomfort and why people tolerate it is another question. So, what are the most common types of unhappy unions between a man and a woman? Let's figure it out. Let's start from simple troubles to serious psychological problems.

Mismatch of biological rhythms

Different biological rhythms cause frequent conflicts, since people lead an active lifestyle at different times of the day. As a result, they have no time to spend together. They cannot come to a common opinion; they cannot agree on what time they should go to bed and wake up. While one partner is sleeping, the other is playing on the computer. The next day, the latter goes to bed while the former wants to spend time together. Serious conflicts occur on this basis. In healthy relationships, people try to find a compromise and adapt to each other, but in unhealthy relationships, constant scandals occur.

What to do?

If you notice the above difficulties in your relationship, you have already taken the first step towards correcting the situation, because recognizing the problem is the initial stage of getting rid of it. Talk to your partner sincerely and honestly. Voice all your concerns and thoughts. The ability to discuss problems is an essential skill that should be well developed in every family. Only with the help of a properly constructed dialogue can you establish contact and try to resolve the difficulties that have arisen. However, remember that no person is able to change without their own desire. If you are unable to reach your partner on your own, contact a psychologist who will help you build a dialogue and solve the problem. Even if after this your partner does not see any problem and is not going to make efforts to solve it, you are left with the last option - to break up.

Unhealthy and toxic relationships won't bring you true happiness, so don't stay in them.

Destructive roles of women in relationships. The role of "mother". Hidden benefits

Today we will talk about the role of “mother” , as one of the destructive roles in the “man-woman” relationship, and about the hidden benefits of this role.

mother-son relationships are the most common scenario in families. Why is this happening? The fact is that girls were taught to be caring from childhood, and we were always praised for this, i.e. the attitude is adopted - “If I care about someone, then I am good.” And we obviously had to be good, this is not even discussed.

Maternal care can be manifested in control over the child and guardianship, when a woman worries whether the child is dressed warmly, whether he is hungry, whether he has been shopping, whether he has done his homework. But it can also manifest itself in “healthy”, in her opinion, criticism (read “eternal dissatisfaction and grumbling”) - again you forgot something, didn’t do something, went to the wrong place, came late, you’re friends with the wrong person - and that’s also from good intentions, because a mother always wants only the best for the child, and she knows how to do it and what is best.

What about the man?

• In the first case, of course, I’m happy! Who doesn't like being taken care of? But this may be for the time being, until the “chick fledges.” Almost every child at some point wants to fly out of their mother’s nest. In the case of a man, this can happen if he suddenly meets a woman who looks at him as a male and not a child.
• In the second case, the man, of course, is not happy! It is unlikely that anyone will like an eternally irritated and grumpy wife. But the man becomes so lack of initiative that he completely gets used to his role, which does not require anything special from him except to make a guilty face.

And now about the hidden benefits: why do women voluntarily take on the role of mother in marriage?

• 1 benefit - earning love. We think that, just like in childhood, our efforts will be appreciated, and then the man will love forever. For example, if a man is in a bad mood, then the treats she prepares will heal him. She has solutions for all problems, as long as the man does not worry. She will work even three jobs with the belief that the man will appreciate it. But, as practice shows, this is a false belief. This style of behavior is typical if, from childhood, a woman was praised only for her deeds, and not for her personal and spiritual qualities.
• Benefit 2: Feeling needed. If a woman is afraid of loneliness (childhood traumas, love wounds), then it is vital for her to take care of someone in order to feel necessary. And often in such cases, women make a man so dependent on themselves that he doesn’t even think about leaving, because without her he simply won’t survive.
• Benefit 3: prove your strength to yourself. If you had your own experience or in parental relationships, when a woman was not considered at all, considered a weak link, then she strives to prove to everyone, including herself, that she is strong and can do anything. Also, if the girl was raised as a boy, and if the attitude was strongly driven into her: “You need to rely only on yourself.”

Three scenario development options:

1. Or he leaves if he is tired of feeling inferior.
2. Or she leaves because a weak man does not arouse her respect and sexual attraction.
3. Or they live their whole lives like this because they are afraid of change and don’t know how to do it differently.

What to do to get out of this role?

And this must be done without fail, because this is how energy exchange is initially disrupted, starting from the first and second energy centers. The man should be the breadwinner in the family, and the woman fills the man through the sexual center. But the already hackneyed phrase speaks for itself here - “They don’t sleep with mothers!”

• Gradually stop doing for him what he can do himself. Even if it is clumsy at first, but since you once made a child out of him, now let the child learn through mistakes. And, of course, he will be indignant and resist your change of tactics, but be persistent to the end.
• Control your speech. Remember all those phrases of yours that sound instructive and authoritarian like a mother, and try to forget them. None - “You forgot your keys again!”, “You always wake up!”, “You can’t be relied on!” Instead, directly write phrases that will stimulate him to develop. But again, make sure that the stimulating phrases also do not turn out to be motherly, such as, “Don’t be upset, you will succeed,” “I believe in you.” These are the words mothers usually say to their children. But, for example, “I’m sure that tomorrow you will have a good day for a deal!”, “It’s a pity that it didn’t work out today.”
• But really believe in it! If you are obviously sure that nothing will come of it, that he won’t cope, then don’t start. Subconsciously, he will read your lack of faith in him, because you will not charge him energetically at the level of 2 and 4 energy centers.
• Start gradually articulating how you would like your relationship to be. But there should be no accusations like “You are so and so!”, “You cannot be relied upon,” otherwise the person will close down. “I-messages” can help you! “I’m offended by this attitude! I don't feel welcome! I'm very tired!"
• Keep yourself busy! At this time, it would be good to occupy yourself with something interesting, so that there is less time and temptation to interfere in the process and disrupt it due to intolerance.

But if you realize that the situation will not improve in these ways, that self-control will not help here, and you feel that there are underlying reasons behind your role, for example, from childhood or some kind of trauma, then you cannot do without the help of a specialist.

Have a harmonious relationship!

Total control

It occurs when one of the partners completely dissolves in the other. Women are more often susceptible to this. Alas, many girls were raised in such a way that they are, first of all, wives, and then, in an optional order, everything else. Domostroy is still dragging its feet even in our civilized times. Therefore, without having her own personal interests, a woman tries to completely get involved in her man’s life. This can only be done through complete control. Constant phone calls asking “Where are you” and “What are you doing,” sudden arrivals at work, hysterics about losing an object from the zone of attention are common occurrences in such couples. The “controller” humiliates himself with this behavior. And, as you know, if you don’t respect yourself, then others won’t either. Nobody wants to be a trained poodle, and the naturally controlled side often gets emotional and quarrels occur. In general, there is no need to talk about harmony and trust in such couples.

Why did you choose a destructive relationship?

This is not about the fact that the victim herself is to blame for her suffering, far from it. But Freud also noticed that only those people appear in life who are already in our consciousness. This means that some difficult circumstances of a past life do not yet allow one to leave the codependent “victim-offender” relationship.

1. Psychological trauma

Conflicting relationships with loved ones, especially in childhood, leave an imprint that gives rise to the belief “love = pain”: you have to earn it, beg for it, suffer for it, sacrifice something significant in yourself.

At the same time, the individual cannot determine his healthy boundaries, which means that any manipulator easily violates them.

It is advisable to work through psychological trauma with a competent psychologist, otherwise destructive relationships will develop in all areas of life.

1. Fear of loneliness

Such attitudes are more often characteristic of ladies. Society and significant loved ones from older generations instilled from an early age that a girl without a husband and children is incomplete. Once upon a time, perhaps, this was the case - in a primitive tribe without a breadwinner and protector, women with children were really under threat of death.

But more than a thousand years have passed since those times, and there is absolutely no need to carry the load of outdated “horror stories” about “the clock is ticking” or accept the derogatory “neither kitten nor child.” It is important to realize that these attitudes force you to indiscriminately agree to toxic relationships, losing yourself.

Another variation of this situation could be that, due to past traumas, the person really cannot be alone for even a few hours, especially at night. Victims of childhood violence, abuse, people with post-traumatic syndrome may experience attacks of panic or unbearable melancholy when alone, filling it with anything, including promiscuity. In these cases, you definitely need the help of a specialist.

1. Diffidence

Damaged or unformed self-esteem can be a reason for an uncritical attitude towards a partner, because “no one else needs me, and even this one will take a closer look and understand that I am a nonentity.” It is necessary to think about who managed to impose such a poisonous attitude and correct it.

1. Emotional immaturity

The lack of formation of an adult position forces, under the influence of circumstances, to constantly slide into the role of saving and caring moms/dads or capricious kids. Sometimes immaturity causes a person to become stuck in the psychological age of the “rebellious teenager.”

It is clear that neither a teenager, nor a child, nor a substitute parent will be able to build harmonious relationships, periodically or constantly finding themselves a victim of their toxic partners.

Partner is a narcissist

You are in an unhealthy relationship if your partner is a true narcissist. Narcissistic people are focused only on themselves, all their thoughts revolve around their own person and personal desires. They are not endowed with empathy and do not know how to sympathize with others. They never even think about what other people are experiencing. They are not interested at all. A narcissist does not know how to listen, he almost never asks other people questions, since the details of someone else's life do not arouse his interest. But the narcissist loves to talk about himself. His monologues can last forever. In a relationship with such a person, you cannot achieve attention to your own interests and desires. Your whole life revolves only around your partner, since he sincerely considers himself the center of the Universe.

Psychological abuse

Male tyrant. A tyrant is a person who forcibly seizes power. In a relationship between a man and a woman, this type wants to decide and control absolutely everything. To do this, he is ready to use any means, regardless of the wishes of the other side. The list of recognition of such men is very extensive: from criticism and unpleasant jokes, to shouting and insulting words. But all these signs boil down to one thing - the partner is being humiliated. The tyrant does this because of his own complexes, and as a result, hatred of the entire female race. The reason for his anger can be anything, but it’s always someone else’s fault, and more often his woman, but not himself. If you are afraid of your man, this is a sure sign that there is a tyrant next to you.

Tyrant woman. It sounds strange, but, nevertheless, this phenomenon is not so rare. Nature denied women muscle strength, so they perfectly mastered the techniques of psychological pressure. The goal of a tyrant woman is the same as that of a man – absolute power. It is achieved by suggesting to the partner that he is a complete nonentity, a walking misunderstanding and will completely disappear without her. The man is reproached for not being able to decide anything on his own, but at the same time, any of his actions, without coordination “with the center,” causes an attack of anger. Between partners, it’s not just that there is no exchange of opinions, a man, in principle, has no right to a different point of view than his smart and “pull-it-all” wife. Despite all the signs of psychological violence, in our society, it is not customary to sympathize with such men. In contrast to the opposite situation, when a woman is in the role of the victim, of course, someone will condemn, but there will also be those who will support. Moreover, such men are disrespectfully called henpecked.

Physical violence. This includes any type of attempt on life and health. For example, beating and rape. The purpose of physical violence is the same as that of psychological violence – total power over a partner. The aggressor intimidates the victim, and he explains his criminal actions as punishment and “it’s my own fault.” For both partners, the concepts of what a normal relationship should be are replaced. Most often, the victim is not able to independently get out of an alliance that is destructive for him. The main reason for this is the cyclical nature of violence. The most striking example is beating. First, a quarrel occurs between a man and a woman, during which the man raises his hand against the woman, after which he repents, asks for forgiveness, and perhaps even tries to make amends. Thus, she receives his "love". At first she feels bad, and then they “love” her. False settings are triggered. As long as the victim thinks like this, she cannot end this relationship. Over time, outbursts of aggression become more frequent, and periods of repentance become shorter.

Attention, if any type of violence is committed against you, please do not keep the problem to yourself, immediately contact a specialist!

As a rule, people who received psychological trauma in childhood fall into these relationships. False attitudes and self-doubt lead them straight into the tenacious hands of rapists, tyrants and aggressors. Or, under the pressure of his deviation, a person himself turns into someone from whom it is customary to stay away.

Can such damage be cured or will it last a lifetime? Psychologist Elena Efremova believes that if there are no mental disorders, any situation can be corrected. Otherwise, a completely different specialist should deal with the treatment.

Different love languages

Each of us has our own love language. Psychologists have identified five types: time, gifts, tactile contact, help, encouragement. There are two people in a relationship, and sometimes their love languages ​​don't match. In a healthy relationship, everyone tries to give their partner exactly what they need. If a loved one needs touch, the partner gives him exactly that, even if he himself is not used to frequent tactile contact. It’s sad when the other half tries to “talk” to your loved one in the language of gifts, if in fact he needs time together.