Everyone had to go through painful moments of separation. Coping with the feeling of inner emptiness is difficult for both. A man sometimes suffers even more. And soon he returns. But what motivates him? Are there feelings? The desire to regain lost comfort, the desire to be significant again? Let's try to understand the psychology of the relationship between a man and a woman after a breakup.
Ex-partner reminds of himself
Men's logic is amazing. The ex-boyfriend quite calmly writes or calls his girlfriend and offers to meet. At first, the woman is overwhelmed with indignation, because the one with whom she has already broken up behaves as if nothing had happened.
Then hope is born in the soul. The lady begins to think, what if he still loves, suffers, cannot forget? I would like to note that the male brain works completely differently than the female brain. He painstakingly separates emotion from logic. Therefore, there is very little hope that the ex returned because of passionate love. Although she may still remain.
If the partners really feel a strong love for each other, the fond memories of which are not erased over time, perhaps it is worth trying again. However, such situations occur in exceptional cases. More often than not, everything is much more prosaic and sad. So, why does your ex-boyfriend remind you of himself? There are several answers to this question.
Emotions when reading messages
When Jen saw Glanz’s number on the phone (other girls had a similar reaction), she was filled with mixed feelings. The physical sensations were also strange: my stomach seemed to sink somewhere, my heart began to beat faster, and my palms began to sweat. Such manifestations occur with strong excitement.
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Returning to her for its own sake
Many women wonder why their ex reminds them of themselves years later? After all, so much time has passed since the breakup. The woman cried and forgot. She has already begun to recreate her happiness and does not remember past relationships. Suddenly the measured rhythm of her life is interrupted by a call or SMS.
Why does an ex-man remind you of himself? The most common situation is the following. A woman loves her partner more than life itself. He doesn't appreciate it. He quickly becomes bored with the relationship and leaves. Years later, he still finds no happiness in his personal life, and warm memories of the time spent in the arms of an abandoned woman increasingly disturb him.
As a result, the man begins to think that she was the love of his life. With a high degree of probability this was not the case. However, his brain helpfully replaces the memories. And he returns, convincing the woman that it was her he loved all his life.
However, in reality he needs to support his own self-esteem and banish loneliness. If his sad appearance makes you feel sorry for him, you should not renew your relationship with him. Remember, pity for a man never brought anything good to a woman. She, of course, can succumb to her and renew her relationship with him. When he is convinced that he is loved again, his dismissive attitude will return. Are you ready to experience this again?
I had a fight with my wife (girlfriend)
In this case, he also takes revenge, but not on you, his ex, but on his present one. God knows why she didn’t please the guy, but she urgently needs to be punished so that it doesn’t happen like with you: they climbed out on their heads and dangled their legs, took advantage of his kindness, pushed him around like a hornless goat. So he decided to become... a goat, and still hornless, because he urgently needed to give horns to his new passion. And who better to deal with this than the ex. And it will be more painful for the current friend to learn that this honorable mission went to her ex.
The new young lady will begin to think that you are still significant to him, he remembers, misses you and perhaps even wants you back. You can think the same thing, but don’t rush. Of course, no one denies such a prospect, but this could also be stupid revenge, when he immediately kills two birds with one stone, or rather hares. One feels that she can lose him and become a new ex, so she begins to value him more and please him, while the other consoles herself with the hope that love is still possible, and also jumps out of... jeans so that the guy remains both satisfied and with her. As an option. But maybe not everything is so simple. The guy just needs a temporary shelter, although in any case you have already passed the stage. It will simply migrate, but it’s up to you to decide whether you want to be a transit station for it or an alternate airfield.
Great sex
Compatibility in bed is not always found. Psychologist and relationship expert Yaroslav Samoilov claims that it is enchanting sex that makes a man return to his ex-partner. However, there is another way to look at this. Do not doubt that he has probably already compared his former partner with others and decided that it would be better to return to her, because subsequent passions did not impress him in bed. This is why the ex reminds you of himself.
A girl with low self-esteem will be pleased with this. If your ex comes back with an offer to “kick back the old days,” you shouldn’t agree to a relationship that only involves a pleasant pastime. You can convince yourself that you also only need sex from him. You'll just remember old times and part as friends.
However, psychologists have long proven that women are not able to separate sex from emotional attachment. He will take advantage of you and forget you, and you will suffer again.
Boasting
An ex-boyfriend may periodically flash into your life so that you bite your elbows, seeing that he has blossomed without you like a May daffodil: a new girl, a new car, a new house, a new job, etc. Guys who initiate a breakup are especially often guilty of this. with whom the girls became. Men's pride is very vulnerable, and after such abuse it requires rehabilitation. And nothing restores self-esteem better than wiping your ex’s nose. Let her envy and gnaw not only her elbows, but also her knees and heels, realizing what a cool pepper she threw.
Revenge is a cold dish, so the guy will serve it in doses, especially since great success is not a quick thing. He can disappear, appear, and disappear again, only to reappear in your life with new victories. A guy will tease you about his success, get close to you so you can touch them and feel how much you've missed. Then he will leave again for a long time, leaving you with the hope that perhaps, when you earn his favor and love, he will think about taking you in as a yard dog. Why yard? Yes, because you ruined your breed when you abandoned him.
For the purpose of revenge
Many men suffer from a painful self-importance that borders on narcissism. When such a gentleman sees his former companion prettier and happy, his possessive reflex is triggered. He needs to win her back to prove to himself that she is still his only.
The situation worsens even more if the girl already has a companion. If the guy she broke up with becomes persistent and creative, he could ruin his jilted lover's new relationship. This is exactly what he needs. This is why the ex reminds you of himself.
People who strive to return relationships for the sake of a desire to assert themselves cannot give happiness to their chosen ones. These are petty and weak-willed individuals who are accustomed to blaming the opposite sex for their own failures.
Loves
This is the very option that girls in love with an ex-boyfriend are waiting for and those who abandoned him are afraid of, but regret that they did not bury him. A guy madly in love is capable of a lot. Of course, it’s nice if he appears in your life unobtrusively, and then only to give you a million red roses, shower you with diamonds, and arrange a concert of your favorite artist in your honor. But even such attention can turn out to be extremely unpleasant and disgusting if the guy was abandoned as unnecessary or he has already begun to make you pretty sick.
It’s another matter if the guy is dearly loved, left on his own, or circumstances were such that you had to break up. Then, of course, his behavior demonstrating love for you will be a holiday, happiness, a new life. But before you rejoice, know that you must believe not the words, likes and comments under your posts, but real actions. And second: exclude all the reasons described above that motivate a guy to get closer, and if you succeed honestly, reciprocate his feelings. However, remember: giving a second chance to a person who has already betrayed you once is the same as giving a bullet to someone who missed you the first time.
Reasons why your ex reminds you of herself
The memories still haunt her. Women forget past relationships for a long time, even when they themselves decided to break them off. Each representative of the fairer sex is guided by her own considerations, which are quite difficult to understand. If she decided to end the relationship, she probably had good reasons for doing so.
Subsequently, she recalls warm memories for a long time, thereby increasing the desire for contact with her former partner. Many ladies can call or text a guy they broke up with. This doesn't always mean she wants the relationship back. It will simply be easier for her to get over the breakup if the opportunity to communicate with her ex-partner remains.
Perhaps she wants to get back into the relationship. Women often act impulsively and later regret it. In this case, it is important for a man to understand what exactly he wants for himself, what he feels for her.
The desire to rush a partner with a marriage proposal can also give a woman the idea of temporarily breaking off the relationship with the expectation that he will regret losing her. If she does not see any attempts to return the relationship from her ex-partner, she herself will take the first step.
Curiosity
Of course, you can also see soul-warming motives in a guy’s curiosity: he doesn’t care what happens to you, he’s worried and still loves you. This is also possible. But! Again, this nasty “but”... A guy may simply be curious about your existence outside of his life, as he would be interested in a sold car: whether it broke down without him, whether it obeys the other owner and whether he is going to return it because he disappointed him. The guy has fears that you too will be “returned” or that you will return yourself, call, look for a reason to meet, and he wants to be ready for this.
The guy’s curiosity may have another selfish goal. He needs to know to what extent your suffering has reached without him. Are you tearing your hair out, have you lost weight or, on the contrary, have you gained weight by eating/drinking away your grief? Or maybe you've changed hands out of boredom, and now everyone will understand that you were good only as long as you had a real man with you? Or he sincerely worries about you and is interested in your life, because he still feels responsible and is waiting for the moment when another man will “pick you up”, and the guy will be able to shift moral responsibility onto him with relief.
Why does my ex-wife remind me of herself?
This question is often asked by the current partners of divorced men. The latter cannot completely separate from their ex-wife because of joint children, business or warm memories. Some men cannot immediately completely break off a relationship because of the habit that has developed over many years of living together. It is psychologically difficult for them to start everything from scratch.
Most often, after a divorce, a wife reminds herself of herself in order to ruin the relationship between her ex-husband and her current partner. Another possible scenario is that she is not sure that she will not have to return to her ex-husband, so she is trying to quarrel with any other woman. In any case, it is important for a man to decide what is more important to him - the past or the future.
How to behave if you are abandoned?
Realizing and coming to terms with the fact that a loved one has decided to put an end to a relationship is often difficult even for the strongest and most self-sufficient women. Suddenly stopped meetings, “silence” of the phone and lack of responses to alarmed SMS are typical behavior of many men who do not want to bother themselves with tedious and far from pleasant explanations. Moreover, the more actively the former lover reminds of her existence, the more irritation this causes in her former partner. The only true way out for a woman who finds herself in such a situation, and at the same time does not lose hope of returning her beloved, is to show absolute indifference to the current circumstances. And the reason for this “phenomenon” is the notorious psychology of ex-men. The demonstrative absence of any reaction on the part of the abandoned woman to the breakup of the relationship can awaken the “male’s interest” in the former partner, thereby provoking him to immediately resume the old relationship.
If, despite all your efforts, you have not managed to get your soul mate back, think about it: is it worth wasting your time and feelings on a person who is not interested in being with you? The essence of the psychology of relationships between a man and a woman is fully revealed in the wise aphorism: “It is impossible to hide love where it is and show it where it is not.” Do not demand the impossible from fate - and it will certainly give you a meeting with someone with whom you will be connected by truly sincere, lasting and mutual feelings!
Psychology: how to communicate with an ex-man (woman)
Svetlana, 29 years old. Divorced, two children.
Hello)) I have the same problem - I love an ex who constantly reminds me of himself. I divorced my boyfriend a year and a half ago (there were many reasons, and in principle there was no love, we lived for 6 years only because of the children, my son is 5, my daughter is 10). Then I met a guy (he’s 27, I’m 29), purely by chance, on Viber... We started talking and dating. Everything dragged on and began to spin, we practically began to live together. Five months later, I began to notice that he became colder, called less often, wrote less often, constantly making excuses that he had no time to come to me, etc. Naturally, I began to blow his mind about this, cry, hysteria. To be offended... Then we had a conversation. To my question: “What happened, have you become some kind of stranger? “he replied: “I don’t want a serious relationship, I don’t want claims, I want to be on my own, but I also want to communicate with you...”... Well, in general, he then said that he just wants a relationship without obligations. As I understand it, because of the children (((I was offended by this, it was very painful for me... Our communication ended there. (on my initiative). I changed the phone number, he found it. He calls and laughs, as if he was mocking him on purpose... It passed 8 months after we broke up, during this period he wrote - he called four times, we met twice... I can’t build a relationship with anyone, although there are quite a lot of worthy suitors around me... He’s constantly in my head. At night I cry like a little girl ... I didn’t have such feelings for my husband. And I only recently realized that I love him... He doesn’t have any relationship either. And he won’t be with me, why should he - I have two children... I want to forget him, it’s impossible ... The soul is torn to pieces inside.
Svetik Svetovskii
Hello Svetik Svetovskii! I understand from your story that this man does not need you in any way, except for rare meetings when the mood strikes. That your communication over 8 months has been reduced to 4 calls and 2 meetings. At the same time, you suddenly decided lately that you are in love with him, although you are dating other men and “there are a lot of worthy suitors around.” And your friend openly tells you that he just wants sex without obligations, deliberately finds your phone and “Calls, laughs, as if he’s mocking him on purpose...”. What exactly attracts you to this man, what sets him apart from others, besides his inappropriate behavior?
What kind of help do you expect from a psychologist?
Hello Irina) I dated two men, trying to forget him. Nothing came of it. I myself cut off communication, because I constantly compared him with them, they just started to irritate me... I can’t explain why he hooked me, how he stands out among the whole crowd - he’s far from handsome, but at the same time he’s not ugly... But to me I like everything about him, for the life of me... I understand that I’m behaving like a wuss, but I can’t help it. What kind of help do I want - to start loving myself, to stop loving him, because it’s pointless... At first, after the breakup, I thought it was attachment, for a month and a half I was in a terrible depression, crying every day and hardly eating... I drove away thoughts from myself - what was possible I love. Then I began to hate him and despise him. Because it hurt me so much... We met for the first time after breaking up five months later. The second time, two weeks later... Well, for three months he has been in my head again, but now it hurts me even more. A week ago he called again, asking how I was doing and what I was doing. 20 minutes of chatting about basically nothing, but he didn’t even hint at meeting... I don’t understand why he’s doing this, knowing that he’s for me for a reason...
Svetik Svetovskii
“At first, after the breakup, I thought it was attachment, I was terribly depressed for a month and a half, crying every day and hardly eating... I drove away the thoughts that I might love her. Then I began to hate him and despise him. Because it hurt me so much... We met for the first time after breaking up five months later. Second time two weeks later... "
Svetik Svetovskii, from your story it is clear that you have already experienced a painful breakup with him once, and then you learned and can live quite normally without him - nothing bad happens. What is stopping you from blocking his phone and stopping communicating with him completely? If you want to start a family, then this man doesn’t even give you that hope - he very definitely showed you your place.
The fact that he is in your head is understandable - he disappears and appears suddenly when he wants. And you are always on edge, thinking about him, because you are waiting for him to show up. At the same time, he does not offer you anything other than rare sex. If such a relationship suits you and excites your imagination, then you can continue to participate in his game. He doesn’t care about your feelings, he lives the way he wants, without even trying to pretend that he is caring for you. What makes sense for you to think about - those months that you don’t communicate in person, who does he spend time with? How many other girls like him do he have on standby? He does not meet with anyone constantly, but does this mean that all these months he has been leading a monastic lifestyle?
I understand perfectly well that he has some kind of personal life of his own. Yes, I lived without him until he appeared again, only now it hurts me a thousand times more. I reproach myself for allowing all this to happen. I also don’t want to be in the role of a fleeting lover every three or two months. Perhaps I hope that he will reconsider his views - which is unlikely. Yesterday I wrote to him myself, offering to meet (which I now regret!), to which he replied - perhaps... Someday, in the coming days. I'm behaving like a fool, telling myself off. I want to forget him, to begin to hate him. I can’t... I look for flaws in him and immediately smooth them out. Some kind of vicious circle...
Svetik Svetovskii
Svetik Svetovskii, this vicious circle will continue until the moment you are available for communication. If you block his phone and remove all contacts associated with him, then your torment will end very soon. In the meantime, you leave yourself a loophole for communication, you are simply playing with your feelings - scratching old sores. The activity is very dubious in terms of usefulness. Well, you will spend a few more years under the impression of this man, you will suffer - what then? What will you be left with? Why all this torment? “Good suitors,” of whom there are many around you now, will get married and your circle of pleasant communication will become empty. Do you still plan to live from call to call, from meetings every six months to the next? Are you waiting for your man to announce that he got married (to a young woman without children)? How will you feel about this? Wouldn't you feel sorry for the years spent waiting for nothing?
From time to time they remind you of themselves. And not only lovers, but also former first loves, spouses, husbands, and even casual sex partners. Usually, they remind you of themselves on holidays. Just send a congratulatory SMS - why not? How would you like the receiving party to regard such a gesture? As a hint that they remember you and don’t mind remembering you again? Or as a thank you for a good time? Or maybe he was just looking for another number in the phone book, but came across yours and accidentally pressed “send”?
While options for reasons are scrolling through my head, memories pop up in my memory. And not those that are associated with suffering and pain experienced during separation, but those that encourage you to experience emotions again. Is it worth it?
Let's try to understand why those who have long been forgotten come back and find out whether there are advantages in resuming past romances.
The temptation to meet your ex is always there. New is well forgotten old, remember? Now we invite you to look at the situation from the positive side and evaluate the benefits that you will get by restoring the old connection.
- The good thing about the ex is that he is not a stranger. The best and worst aspects of personality have long been revealed. The companion does not need to bother getting to know her partner again: look closely, get used to it, adapt, create the appearance of a “good girl”. This stage has already been passed.
- Forgotten feelings tend to be reborn. If your partner was once in love with her lover, then now it will not be difficult to experience similar feelings. The advantage is that excitement and passion will appear right away, without lengthy preludes and doubts.
- There is an opportunity to show and prove that you have changed since the last meeting - you began to value yourself, for example. When you meet, you can do something that has never been done before and really surprise your chosen one. Isn't it intriguing?
- The intrigue is also in the fact that a lot of time has passed, each of you had other lovers, a different life, separate from each other, which means that you again became “unknown” and a mystery appeared in each of you. Familiar strangers are always intriguing.
- Ex-lovers usually feel guilty. Separation, as a rule, occurs because he once did not dare to leave his wife. So why don't you take the chance to calmly and tactfully discuss who is right and who is wrong? At the same time, free yourself from resentment (in an adequate form). Besides, what's better than a man trying to make amends? In this situation you will be the queen.
- And most importantly, if you have long dreamed of renewing your relationship, but never dared to call your ex, then here is your chance.
But note that pros tend to turn into cons. As at any beginning of any novel, everything here is also good only at first. But this good is more fleeting than in the romances that strangers start. After two or three meetings, both your companion and you will understand that each of you has remained the same, the mystery will turn out to be an ordinary illusion, and a stormy life will simply be an appearance. Therefore, the relationship will very quickly (faster than usual) come to the stage at which you broke up.
Is it worth going back
Perhaps you still love your partner and dream of building a strong relationship with him. However, statistics show that very few couples successfully reunite after a breakup and live happily ever after. After all, most often lovers break up for a very good reason. Often it lies in one of them.
Think about whether anything about your partner has changed since you broke up. Perhaps he has become more serious, responsible, and has decided not to cheat on you anymore. If nothing has changed, then is there any point in stepping on the same rake? After all, you will have to repeat what you have already experienced once. Are you ready for this?
What could be the reason
A lot of time was devoted to studying the topic of messages from exes. But even psychologists with many years of experience cannot accurately understand what motivates them and what they think about. Most often, the reason is related to the separation itself, namely how it went. This plays a key role when deciding to start a conversation with a once loved one.
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If the breakup occurred on the initiative of the guy, after which after some time he suddenly began to write, then there is a serious reason to think about it. The girls themselves fall into a stupor. On the one hand, they realize that nothing connects them anymore, and on the other, they hope that there is still a chance to fix everything. Guys in this regard are not too different from the opposite sex. According to psychotherapists, it is most likely that they also miss being in a relationship, which is why they want to become friends again.
Life after divorce: 12 main mistakes of ex-spouses
Over time, he will see the child less and less, which will only make things worse for the child himself. Divorce is rarely amicable. Most often these are scandals, quarrels and resentments. At the same time, it is very difficult to leave emotions and, as they say, think with a cool head.
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And even after a divorce, when passions seem to have subsided, many decisions are made based on emotions or in the wake of old grievances. One such decision is to refuse the help of a spouse.
How to return?
If a guy dumped you on his own but continues to communicate, this could be a strong sign that he wants to get back. Here are some tips to help facilitate reunification:
- Take your time. Keep in touch and see where things go.
- Be clear and direct. He may have ulterior motives for contacting you, so it is important that you are very direct when messaging him. Try to find out what is going on in his life in as much detail as you can.
- Explore your feelings. Make sure you feel comfortable bringing your past relationship back into your life. Try meeting on neutral ground to begin with, somewhere where you can talk in a low-key environment and perhaps start over.
Hidden Intentions
If your ex wrote that he misses you, this is a clear indication of his motive, but at the same time you cannot be sure that he definitely wants to return just from a few neutral messages.
If a guy wrote and it’s not clear what it means, he’s unlikely to admit it directly, so you need to study the situation as a whole and come to your own, reasoned conclusions.
First, it's natural to miss your partner after a breakup, although it may come as a surprise to you. It probably came as a surprise to him too. If the ex expected that all feelings would end at the very moment when the breakup occurred, then he was deeply mistaken. Emotional ties are not as easily broken as the relationship itself, and often stay with people long after the breakup.
Secondly, if your ex wrote after 3 months and reminded you of himself, then it’s safe to say that you have been a key figure in his thoughts for a long time. He's unlikely to send a message the first time you accidentally catch his eye. Most likely, before this he visited the page, liked the photo or looked, but did not write.
He had to think about you relatively regularly before he felt forced to make contact again. This can be encouraging and positive if you hope to get back together.
#4 Suffers from narcissism
Some men remind their ex-girlfriends of themselves for the reason that they love praise and want to gain attention. They try to get the ex-darling to think about the previous relationship and want to return it or repeat it. Narcissism is a serious mental disorder triggered by childhood trauma. This condition needs to be worked through with a specialist. As for the girl, she should not pay attention to this young man. It is better to immerse yourself in a new hobby, it could also be another relationship.
Ex's narcissism is the reason for his stalking
What's the best way to answer?
Let's figure out what to do if your ex writes. It's easy to fall back on old ways of communicating if you're hoping to be together. After all, you are both used to communicating with each other and feel comfortable because your partner was the one who texted first.
The best course of action is to take your time.
Don't respond for a certain period of time. Let him think about you again like he did before you started dating. Once the previous level of mystery and inaccessibility can be restored, interest will only grow, and the man will be much more inclined to write again in the same way as the first time.
The main thing is to take your time and be aware of your capabilities, and understand when and how to act to make the plan come true. Unless, of course, returning is what you need.
How to make him stop
On the other hand, if your ex-boyfriend began actively texting after you had already cut him out of your life, then you may feel uncomfortable. If this is the case, you should make it clear that communicating with him is not what you want.
- Say clearly how you feel. Be clear in your answer and let him know if you want to communicate with him.
- Ask for an explanation why. Although the guy most likely won't reveal the real reason, it's still worth asking. Perhaps it was a completely harmless and innocent desire to find out how things were going, but you shouldn’t count on it too much.
- If necessary, block their number. This is more than appropriate if the guy first dumped you and now wants to continue communicating. Most smartphones have a feature that allows you to block a number, so if your ex keeps doing it, just do it.
Psychology of men after divorce
However, they will be happy to support the wife’s initiative to divorce. Amazing, isn't it? But how a man’s life will change after a divorce will be a complete surprise for him. And not always pleasant. Stereotypes about divorce have not been revised in our society for a long time, but recently the behavior of men who have experienced the loss of a family is of serious interest to psychologists. It is generally accepted that a woman, without financial support and a strong male shoulder, falls into a prolonged depression and cannot return to a normal rhythm of life for a long time.
It keeps in touch with your family members
Situations, of course, are different, but it is not always the case that a man or woman, after a breakup, maintains good relations with their partner’s family members. And especially not everyone
will try to use any excuse to communicate with them. This looks especially strange when your ex does not and cannot have any common affairs with anyone from your family.
Robert Kneschke
However, if such communication occurs, it may well be that he does not lose hope of getting back together with you. Finding out is quite simple - you can talk to those members of your family
, with whom your ex actively communicates. Ask them to express their point of view; finally ask what your ex is talking to them about - maybe about you?
Do not rush to regard this step of your ex as a sign of remaining love for you, if your relationship
lasted so long that he simply became close friends with one of your family members.
