43 comments We have already said that any woman is a priori an owner. And the hardest thing is to share your man with everyone who needs him. And if it is possible to at least partially limit a husband’s communication with friends and girlfriends, then the question is: “How to remove his ex-wife and children from his first marriage from a husband’s life?” torments many.
In this article, we will not consider bloodthirsty options, like putting your husband under a glass bell, protecting him from everyone, or even taking him away, where no one will find him. In this article we will talk about how to learn to live with all the echoes from your spouse’s past life. How to accept and, if possible, love the child/children from your man’s first marriage.
Jealousy of husband's child from first marriage
So, your husband was already married once, even acquired the status of “father,” but something didn’t work out for them, they decided to separate, the court left the child with the mother (normal practice). The previously beloved woman became an “ex-wife”, but children, as you know, are never ex-wife. Children are those people who remain in a man’s life forever.
In the life of a normal man, I immediately want to clarify. After all, there are “half-fathers” who, having received a treasured document in court, simply evaporate from the lives of their children, not showing up in it even trivially financially. But your spouse is a man of honor, and having left his first family, he continues to participate in all its problems. And suddenly you suddenly realized that more and more often a lump of anger, jealousy and resentment was rising in your throat. Let's figure out why these feelings appear.
Difficulties of father and mother of children from their first marriage
Let's imagine a woman whose ex-husband and father of her children married someone else. She fantasizes about how he now lives with someone else. Maybe this “other” is already expecting a child from the man who was her husband.
Even if the woman was not against the divorce, even if she says to her friends: “It’s good that this “treasure” is no longer mine!” – these are difficult experiences for her.
She represents a man who takes care of another woman's child, and may feel jealousy, resentment, anger. She remembers the past when the father of her children was with her, when they might have loved each other.
Let's imagine a dad who has entered into a new marriage. Maybe he and his new wife are already expecting a baby. A man is preparing to become a father again. He, like his ex-wife, cannot help but remember his former family. He compares his old and new wife, and he also has many feelings. This is both hope and anxiety (what if the new marriage won’t be successful either?). He may miss his children and feel guilty towards them because he is not expecting a child from their mother. It won't be easy for him to talk to them about it.
The man’s difficulty also lies in the fact that now he becomes a father in two places.
Will he continue to play a fatherly role for the children from his first marriage? Will she maintain contact with their mother? How can communication with a new wife improve for a man who has children from both her and another woman?
Reasons for hatred towards a husband's child from his first marriage
Difficult situation
The intensity of passions in the family is probably the very first reason for women’s discomfort. This is especially acute when your mother-in-law (or even both parents) begin to show a negative attitude towards you. And it’s good if you and your spouse met after a divorce, but what if not? What if he finally left the family for you? Then, of course, all relatives will be opposed to you, feeling sorry for the child and ex-wife. And on the one hand, they can be understood: it’s hard to see children’s tears, but on the other hand, it was your husband’s choice, he made a decision for himself.
Financial red tape
Sometimes it becomes bitter from the realization that all the funds that could go towards your life together, arranging a family nest, traveling, and so on, go to the ex-wife’s family. Many young wives are simply indignant: the ex-wife has already found a new man, so why is so much money leaving our family budget? Obligations to the court - yes, alimony. But I don’t want to spend more than this money.
Frequent meetings with your child
Long and frequent meetings with a child from a first marriage are very painful. You recently got married, have not yet had time to enjoy your status as a “wife”, there are so few days off, it happens that they do not coincide with your husband’s weekend, and on this rare day of possible joint rest, your husband leaves home. And you spend the whole day scrolling through the news feed of a social network and sharing your grief with a friend.
Child in your family
And okay, if only the husband went away to play with the child, many men have a strange desire to bring their son/daughter to their home. Or take your child on a walk with him. And, of course, such walks immediately lose their romance: the husband is interested in what the child wants, you all go where the little person asks. In other words, you fade into the background for your spouse during this period of time.
Calls at any time of the day
Calls cause certain inconvenience to young wives. From a child, from an ex-wife. Frequent problems that your husband has to solve. And it happens that jealousy takes your breath away: it seems as if the spouse will leave to help and will not return. It seems that these calls and SMS pose a threat and danger to your ideal marriage.
What problems might arise?
Before marrying a man with a child, you need to weigh the pros and cons of such a union. The past cannot be changed, and the child is not to blame for the fact that the parents did not get along and divorced. He has the right to communicate with dad.
Having a child from a previous marriage must be taken into account
Problems arise when a man goes to one of two extremes :
- He devotes a lot of time to the child, ignoring his new family, that is, his wife.
- The husband has completely erased his past family from his life and is not interested in the child.
If you think that the second extreme will not be a problem for you, then think about the fact that this behavior of a man will clearly not please his ex-wife , who is obliged to look after the interests of the child. Most likely, in such a situation, the ex-wife will call and insist that the father communicate with the children.
It is worth understanding that the ex-wife will call in any case. The only way to avoid problems in this case is to realize that only children are associated with this woman.
We need to improve our relationship with my husband’s child from his first marriage.
The husband cannot stop communicating with the mother of his children and with them. For them, divorce in itself is a serious stress, so there is no need to interfere with communication with dad . The best thing a current wife can do is to improve relations with her husband’s children.
Nobody talks about loving them. However, one or two children from previous marriages have the right to both parents, and their opinion must be taken into account.
How to understand and improve relationships?
The most important thing is to be as natural and good-natured as possible. You should not exaggerate your delight in the baby.
Just try to get to know him better. Do it as if you were just talking to a new person. Show interest in his affairs, pay him attention, and, of course, leave him alone with his father when it is absolutely necessary.
With baby
You should not try to buy his good attitude towards you by buying expensive gifts, because this way you will develop a consumer attitude towards yourself. If you succeed, just love it. Sooner or later the baby will grow up and understand everything that you did for him.
With older children
Many conflicts with teenage children of a spouse occur because the woman does something wrong. In order not to ruin your relationship with your husband, you need to try to establish contact with the teenager. Of course, at this age he hates everyone and everything - finding a common language will be very difficult. But still, it's worth a try.
If we live together
Upon entering a new family, a woman faces a lot of problems.
The role of a stepmother does not give her the right to begin raising a child. First you need to make friends with the baby, gain trust, and only then give advice or take an active part in his upbringing.
It is quite natural that when you receive all the rights, it means you can demand and even punish. But very often your spouse does not share your enthusiasm.
Do not forget that love and trust between partners are not given automatically with a stamp in your passport. However, over time they can be earned. For this reason, in the first years in a new family, try to take more care of your relationship with the new person.
And your husband will appreciate your efforts and begin to love you even more. Do not forget that the stepmother’s strict and categorical rules, no matter how fair they are, will only cause resentment and grief in the baby. You should learn to take care of him.
When building a relationship with your child, try to avoid the opposite extreme - do not try to win the child’s trust and love through concessions. Otherwise, there is a chance that the baby will begin to treat you with contempt. This will ruin all the good memories associated with you.
I hate my husband’s child - help!
How to love your husband's child
In those families where children appear only on weekends or holidays, it is much easier to cope with negative manifestations.
Women who, due to circumstances, are forced to live together with the children of their spouse from their first marriage have a much harder time. What to do if you hate your husband's child? This situation may become an intractable problem. If you listen to the advice of experienced psychologists, you can understand that it is necessary to leave the baby alone with the father, doing this delicately so as not to arouse suspicion of reluctance to communicate.
There is no need to try to bribe children - they subconsciously sense hypocrisy and self-interest. Sympathy is won by a good attitude towards the baby. You need to talk to your loved one, asking for advice on how to find contact with your son or daughter. A man will be happy about women's participation.
Saying out loud or to yourself, I hate my husband’s children, one cannot draw an unambiguous conclusion about true feelings. These words can be said at an emotional peak.
It is necessary to try to find a “golden mean” in communication with the baby. There is no need to blindly indulge his desires while trying to make friends. However, one should also not show excessive teaching abilities, so as not to cause a negative reaction on his part.
There is no need to put pressure on the baby; it is better to give her time to accept the situation. If necessary, you can consult a psychologist. It is unlikely that a woman will be able to love someone else's offspring, but her efforts will not go unnoticed.
Advice from a psychologist on how to get rid of hatred of your husband’s child
I endlessly repeat, I hate my husband’s child, what to do, it is impossible to get rid of negative emotions. It is necessary to tune in to a positive mood, getting rid of this feeling forever. Accept what is happening as a given.
Need more rest. A relaxed body can improve performance. In addition, constant stress affects sexual relationships with a loved one, and this aggravates the situation.
The surrounding society is of no small importance. If girlfriends, work colleagues, relatives, friends endlessly repeat that someone else’s child will never become their own, there is a high probability that this will happen. After all, love ends when one half begins to complain about the other to strangers.
To find peace in family life, you need to accept any situation positively, then peace and tranquility will reign in the family, peace in souls. The husband's child cannot become an obstacle to family happiness; you just need to accept it by giving a piece of your heart.
Accept or try to push away from the family?
To feel more comfortable and calm, you need to try to establish communication with your lover’s child.
But, you need to remember that not all representatives of the fairer sex succeed in this. Many women have an extremely negative attitude towards their spouse’s children from a previous marriage.
If your first meeting took place, and you continue to see each other on a regular basis, then you will have to come to terms with the fact that your husband has another life.
My son/daughter from a previous marriage hates me: what should I do?
This often happens when a father leaves the family, his own children begin to miss him and in their hearts suffer very much from the fact that the family has broken up.
Later, due to lack of proper attention and care, they begin to hate their parent who does not live with them.
The situation gets worse when the baby’s mother begins to tell him different information that does not correspond to reality.
For example, the fact that a father abandoned his son because he no longer needed him. She may tell other lies to turn the child against the father.
