Constant quarrels with my husband over trifles

Types and characteristics of conflicts in the family

Ideal couples also quarrel, this is not surprising. Men and women view the world from different angles, so it is not surprising that contradictions arise. All conflicts can be divided into 3 groups:

between husband and wife;
between parents and children;
between brothers/sisters.

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Psychologists advise not to quarrel with your husband in front of your child. This has a negative impact on the child’s mental state. Wrong attitudes will lead to the appearance of an erroneous attitude towards the institution of marriage. An atmosphere of love should reign in the family. There are a number of reasons why lovers fight:

Different views on life. Often girls dream of a quiet and measured life. They grow up faster and understand the delights of a peaceful family home. Guys may not have enough fun and dream about club entertainment. The couple must learn to find a compromise. Without support it is impossible to save a marriage.
Financial difficulties. According to statistics, most of the population lives below the poverty line. A person forced to count every penny becomes irritable. Mutual accusations begin in the family. To avoid such scandals, it is necessary to look for additional sources of income. This is not always possible, but you need to show your interest in maintaining the relationship.
Bad habits. Love is evil, but you can’t command your heart. Often in couples, someone abuses alcohol or drugs. It is impossible to live peacefully with a dependent person; he is characterized by mood swings and aggression. To save the family hearth, you will have to go for treatment. If your partner is not ready to make concessions, it is better to get a divorce and look for a normal spouse.
Lack of sex. The more time lovers spend together, the less they want to satisfy each other in bed. Problems at work and stress kill intimacy. However, we must not forget about the physiological need. Sex can help strengthen relationships and improve poor health.

Household routine. Guys are not eager to clean or wash dishes. In order not to quarrel with your husband over trifles, you should ask him for help without rudeness or accusations. Men are rational; they perceive information presented in a calm manner better.
Conflicts on religious grounds. The 21st century is a time of atheism and pragmatism. Couples often get into theological disputes that escalate into scandals.
High self-esteem can have a detrimental effect on relationships . One of the partners will try to “fit” their loved one to a certain pattern. This should be avoided.

Reasons for constant quarrels with your husband

Constant quarrels in the family can arise due to a break in the partner’s character. This happens when some trait is no longer suitable in a loved one, and a rework begins. He resists and an argument ensues.

At the stage of falling in love, many things seem not particularly important for partners. Over time, problems arise, including financial ones. At first there was enough money, but the priorities were different. Later, desires change, you want something new: the sea, a fur coat, an expensive phone, a car. There may be accusations of big expenses or little earnings.

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Problems in the family arise not only because of self-doubt. Pride and high self-esteem also spoil relationships. It is not difficult to understand why quarrels arise; one of the partners simply considers himself better and more worthy than the other. Until a person begins to work on himself, it is difficult to get rid of conflicts in this area.

Quarrels over intimate issues occur with my husband all the time due to mismatched needs. Some people need to have sex more often, others less often. The same preferences and willingness to seek a compromise can weaken the growing anger.

Domestic quarrels often occur. The wife gets tired at work, then comes home and spends the rest of the day in the kitchen. At this time, the husband is lying on the sofa, watching football, reading the newspaper instead of helping his wife. When we women have too many things to do and responsibilities, we don’t have time to take care of ourselves, our hobbies, or even communicate with our children, we constantly quarrel with our husbands about this. Accumulated fatigue can provoke a scandal.

Behavior of different people in a conflict situation

To understand how to stop quarreling with your beloved husband, you need to find inner balance. Guys and girls can behave differently during conflicts. A typical example of an incorrect quarrel: partners try to shout over each other and start breaking dishes. Often the scandal turns into assault. It is difficult for two hot-tempered natures to get along, but nothing is impossible.

The best way to stop arguing with your husband over petty things is to learn to talk. Communication is the key to a happy marriage.

Why do loving couples actually fight?

There is almost never an external reason for a quarrel. Spilled tea or a wasted stash does not make us suffer on its own. We transfer them to another emotional level, where we react not to the situation, but to our thoughts about it.

Thus, the mess created by the other half can cause only fleeting grief. The fire of a future scandal is fueled by the thought that your partner does not care about you. However, you came to this idea on your own, and the person simply did not put things in their places. He didn’t connect this with your happiness.

In psychology there is the concept of “trigger” - a trigger, a situation that provokes negative emotions. Family psychologists say Why You Always Have the Same Old Fight: A Couples Therapist Explains that all triggers that cause domestic conflicts can be divided into the following categories.

Past experience

People bring past experiences and memories from their own family into their current relationships.

Let's say you spent many years watching your parents argue when someone came home late from work. Therefore, now, when you yourself are delayed, you feel guilty, and when your partner does this, you have the right to tell him how uncomfortable it is for you.

Another example: your past partner carried emotions within himself, and then exploded over nonsense. Your new love does not accumulate bad things, but immediately expresses her feelings, so it seems to you that the person is too often dissatisfied with you.

Lack of self-actualization

Some people are driven into constant clashes by existential suffering: is this the right person for me, am I valued as a person, can I become happier in other respects. This happens when a person is dissatisfied with life and feels that he cannot realize himself.

The self-esteem of such people is very vulnerable, and many actions of the other half are perceived by them as disrespect. He tells me the way - he thinks I’m not able to figure it out on my own. I didn’t wash the dishes - he thinks that I don’t have more important things to do, that my life comes down to home.

Fight for control and freedom

Some people want to know every second where their partner is, what he is doing, what he is thinking about. Any attempt to maintain privacy looks like treason to them. The struggle for control gives rise to conflicts due to unanswered calls, delays, unnecessary spending and independent decisions.

It is especially difficult if the other person is freedom-loving and independent. People rarely admit even to themselves that they want to control their partner. Usually this takes the form of resentment: a person doesn’t do what I want, which means he doesn’t love me enough.

Provoking factors

There are things that contribute to conflict:

Threats. One of the partners uses blackmail to obtain benefits, limits the other’s money, denies sex, and promises to break up. Such behavior causes a negative response. The partner wants to scream loudly because of unreasonable demands.
Constant criticism. Girls cross the line from time to time. Regularly expressing complaints kills the feeling of falling in love. The guy is like a glass: you can fit a lot of water in it, but sooner or later it will spill.
Alcohol and drugs. Abuse of harmful substances can become a reason for quarrels. For the sake of your loved one, you will have to stop ruining your own health.

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The reason is clear, what to do?

After identifying the causes of disagreement, it is necessary to understand which of these causes can be eliminated and which can be minimized. Some circumstances cannot be changed, but it is worth trying to smooth them out. Example: My husband is having trouble at work. The wife cannot in any way influence his relationships with colleagues or superiors, but she is quite capable of noticing signs of another problem upon her husband’s return from service. At such moments, it is better to restrain your, albeit justified, dissatisfaction, and not react to the man’s possible comments.

A psychologist’s advice will not help you stop constant quarrels with your husband, but it is possible to adjust your behavior and find an opportunity to change a man’s attitude towards conflicts. To do this, you need (with the help of a consultant) to reconsider your views on:

the desire to “keep the last word,” it is better to let the man formally assert his dominance;
the habit of swearing in the presence of relatives and friends, strangers - thereby the participants in the quarrel put witnesses in an awkward position, giving reason to doubt their prudence, reliability and good manners;
desire to sort things out immediately. By allowing themselves to cool down, spouses often lose the reason for discord;
reluctance to discuss “obvious things.” They are only obvious to one person.

What to do if you have frequent quarrels

In some couples, scandals become the norm. They happen daily. One cannot expect a good outcome in such cases. It's time to stop, count to 10 and start organizing your personal life.

Psychology offers the following ways to avoid arguing with your husband:

Conversations, not accusations. You can’t prove your own point of view with foam at the mouth. Conflicts are full debates, so every participant has a say. First, you should listen to the man; he does not immediately start shouting, as he has better control over his emotions. The partner must speak up. It is not always pleasant to listen to complaints addressed to you, but this is the only way to reach a compromise. You should express your own thoughts measuredly, without raising your voice. Let the chosen one also realize where he is wrong. Constructive discussion of problems helps eliminate the source of conflict. This is the best way to avoid arguing with your husband.
The past must be left behind. During quarrels, people use a forbidden technique - memories: a year ago I didn’t hold the door, last week I forgot about the anniversary. Such claims are either expressed immediately or remain unvoiced.
We must not forget about feelings, because relationships are built on them. Partners must have a head on their shoulders. Actions need to be analyzed, but rationalism should not drown out love. Girls should remember why they fell in love with a person in the distant past.
Humor. A good joke can brighten up a conflict. After screaming, you can say something funny, without sarcasm or irony. Laughter helps you forget about past troubles.

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The main thing is to stop in time

If a husband and wife are constantly arguing, then at least one of them should definitely stop and take a sober look at the situation. Think carefully about how it all started and how your quarrel is proceeding. If you couldn’t remember something like this, you need to think about the fact that both partners are certainly the culprits of troubles in the family.

If, in your opinion, your husband started the quarrel, what prevented you from stopping in time? Why did you suddenly turn into a child and get into an argument with a frantic fuse? You supported the arguer, which means you are no less guilty than him.

It is quite possible that your spouse simply lost his temper. In this case, it can be influenced by various factors, including unpleasant moments at work, lack of finances and much more. Be smarter. Do not respond to shouting by raising your tone. Invite your spouse to calm down and look at the subject of the dispute calmly. At the same time, your tone should be balanced and your voice calm. After this, many men come to their senses. Remember, the main thing is to stop in time, before something is said that should not have been said. And then you will no longer wonder why my husband and I constantly fight.

Unusual methods for ending family quarrels

In family therapy, psychologists offer unconventional ways to stop conflicts.
Ceremonial scandal is very popular. The point is simple: you cannot start arguing until both participants have performed the “secret” ritual. The partners come up with it on their own: give in 20 times, put on bathrobes, say a tongue twister, etc. Introducing an absurd element into a quarrel turns it into a pleasant game. The lovers begin to laugh because of the comedy of what is happening. Negativity fades away, positive emotions remain.

Some couples use a safe word. When the scandal goes too far, the couple reveals the password. After its announcement, the lovers have a peaceful conversation until the “pause” is turned off.

During a normal dialogue, emotions will subside. Further discussion will take place in a favorable environment.

A trifle is not a reason for a scandal?..

Many spouses note that constant quarrels with their husbands over trifles are the main part of family problems. At the same time, “trifles” mean unwashed dishes, an unclosed tube of toothpaste, and slippers in the wrong place. Sometimes “trifles” are considered moments that are significant only for a woman:

congratulations, flowers or a gift on a holiday;
inattention to new hairstyle/clothes/manicure;
lack of politeness towards the wife's relatives;
remarks about her appearance, actions, character, etc.

In such cases, “trifle” is not the right definition; the wife’s task is to convey to her husband how important these manifestations of his attention, love and care are for her. The opposite situation is also possible. Women are not interested in their spouse's problems at work, the result of a match or computer game, or the brand of cigarettes. In this case, the husband must explain to his beloved why this is important to him and what reaction he would like from her.

The problem with quarrels over “little things” is the spouses’ lack of understanding of their partner’s priorities and lack of attention to him. With careful attention and a real desire to understand, “little things” acquire real meaning and the number of conflicts is sharply reduced.

How to avoid frequent quarrels: advice from a psychologist

Love experts recommend adhering to the following rules:

Turn a blind eye to everyday little things. Don't yell at your loved one because of a mountain of garbage in the kitchen or poorly wiped dust. You need to talk about this calmly, without getting personal.
Contain internal aggression. Bringing problems home from work is prohibited.
Don't use children in conflicts. A child is a fragile creature that absorbs information like a sponge. He loves his parents equally, so he doesn't have to choose between them.

Difficulties on the love front cannot be avoided. When they arise, it’s time to throw down weapons and start diplomatic negotiations, because emotions need positive reinforcement, not negative.

What to do if a quarrel does start

Despite all attempts, it is impossible to completely protect yourself from abuse in the family. Once a quarrel has started it is difficult to extinguish. And, if you can’t stop, take at least a few simple tips. Under no circumstances should you:

switch from calm speech to shouting, swearing, profanity;
use tears as a method of manipulating a man;
insult your husband, list his shortcomings and past mistakes;
quarrel in front of strangers and on the street;
present harsh ultimatums in an attempt to get their way.

Then how to behave? There are some useful tips here too. Instead of all of the above, try:

speak calmly, monotonously, in a cold and calculating tone;
before uttering a phrase, carefully think about it;
breathe evenly, measuredly, deeply;
Feeling that an insult is about to “pop out”, shut up and count to 10 in your head.

Let's draw conclusions

There is nothing catastrophic about periodic family quarrels. They allow you to defuse the situation a little and expose accumulated problems. It is much more important not to try to avoid quarrels completely, but to determine their real cause and correct behavior. If you know how to control yourself, a quarrel can benefit family relationships.