Misunderstandings with a loved one can arise at any stage of married life - in the first few years after marriage or after the birth of children, and even after several decades of living together.
There's nothing wrong with that. We are all living people with our own life positions and interests. However, if you have chosen your partner to live together, it means that you have something in common, it’s just lost among everyday problems.
Reasons for the depletion of relations with your husband
Since ancient times, a woman has been the keeper of the family hearth, and therefore it is often she who begins to find out why the relationship with her husband is not the same as it was several years ago.
If it begins to seem that discord is beginning in your relationship with your beloved spouse, you must first find the source of what is happening.
Each married couple is individual and so are their problems, but the most common situations are highlighted.
The first and most common situation among young spouses is pregnancy and the birth of a child. For many, the news about a new addition to the family is good and pleasant, but not all men can understand and help their beloved experience new sensations. Weakness, fatigue, irritability, frequent mood swings - all these are consequences of hormonal changes. This behavior of women often discourages men, and even women, from giving each other tenderness, care and passion. After the birth of a beautiful and beloved person, the young mother’s attention often switches to him, while the husband feels lonely and unnecessary. A child should not become an obstacle in family relationships.
The second situation includes excessive control. Such actions can be noticed on the part of both the wife and the husband. Not everyone will like it if there is constant control on the part of a loved one, which manifests itself in questions, frequent calls over trifles, and even hidden phone checking, and sometimes surveillance (this is an extreme case).
The third, and no less unpleasant situation, is the desire to adapt a person to oneself, while depriving him of personal beliefs and habits. In most cases, there are no positive results, but only disappointment and dissatisfaction on the part of the partner.
The fourth situation can be called reproaches that arise if one of the spouses believes that he is doing more for the family. Reproaches can also arise due to financial problems. All this causes irritation, resentment and reluctance to be together.
The fifth includes difficulties arising at work. Undoubtedly, all events that happen at work affect family life. With misunderstanding and lack of support from the partner, work-related problems begin to seem even more significant, and distance and cooling are observed between spouses.
The sixth and most unpleasant situation for any spouse is betrayal. You should definitely find out why your partner committed such an action, but in a calm atmosphere. Often marriages break up after this.
Having found out the cause of the discord in the relationship with your husband, you need to move on to eliminating them.
Why doesn't my husband respect me?
You have abandoned the idea of communicating with hints, but you are still not understood. Probably, the point is different: you are understood, but not respected, your opinion has no weight, your partner deliberately ignores your needs.
Possible reasons for disrespect on the part of the husband lie in the behavior of the wife, disrespect on her part:
- authoritarianism, criticism, insults, excessive control in relation to the husband;
- overprotection, scandals and accusations, manipulation of pity;
- attempts to re-educate a man, treating him like a child;
- lack of interest in the husband's life;
- ridicule, ridicule of the male, creative, intellectual and other potential of the spouse;
- betrayal, betrayal, behavior that does not arouse approval and respect from the husband;
- lack of personal development, passive lifestyle, poor housekeeping, reluctance to take care of oneself, lack of motivation for self-realization and self-development.
But if your relationship was not initially distinguished by respect, then most likely the reasons lie in the psyche of your husband.
The most likely internal reasons for disrespect from a man:
- childhood trauma associated with women;
- reproducing the example of parents;
- submission to some authority figure, friend or famous person, repetition of his behavior pattern, treatment of women;
- character accentuations, other features, character traits such as egocentrism.
A woman is unlikely to cope with these problems on her own. Need help from a psychologist or psychotherapist.
Among the reasons for male disrespect, one more factor can be identified. It is possible that you feel false disrespect. What kind of manifestations are you expecting? It is not a fact that both spouses have the same ideas about respect and care. Maybe you consider the absence of flowers to be disrespectful. Or an unwillingness to fulfill all your desires to the detriment of the personal interests of your spouse.
However, there are signs of disrespect that are adequate and common to all people: insult, ignoring, assault, etc. There can be no doubt about the realism of your claims.
Reluctance to be intimate with husband
There is a problem among the fair sex, which is the reluctance to have sex with their beloved husband. Most often this is a psychological problem, for which it is better to consult a professional.
You should not consult with your friends about sexual problems with your spouse, since the advice given does not always help, and you can also turn yourself against your spouse even more.
For a woman, what is no longer important is physiological satisfaction, but the awareness of unity, spiritual closeness, and her need in the life of her spouse.
Solving this problem is quite simple - you need to find the cause and fix it. This can be both physical and emotional fatigue, as well as a lack of romance, frequent quarrels and resentments, or even dissatisfaction and embarrassment of one’s appearance, which manifests itself to a greater extent after childbirth.
Therefore, as soon as a woman has figured out what caused the disruption in their sex life, it is necessary:
- take yourself a vacation. Put household problems aside, children and housework can be left to your husband during the holidays, go shopping, meet friends, go to a sanatorium. Any change of environment will allow you to take a break from your usual routine;
- Establish emotional intimacy with your husband. Talk with your spouse on any topic, perhaps about future plans, listen to him, be forgiving of his shortcomings;
- make yourself beautiful. Visit a beauty salon, gym. Change your hairstyle and wear makeup not only to go out in public;
- do joint business and travel with your husband. It’s worth asking your husband to help with household chores, going to the cinema or theater, and pursuing your spouse’s hobbies together.
Why can't my husband hear me?
Perhaps the partner is tired, preoccupied with problems at work or other thoughts. Or is this a consequence of a disrespectful, indifferent attitude towards you.
Try this exercise: once a week, organize your day and your husband’s day. What does this mean: all day long you live according to the instructions, desires, needs of your husband or wife, the other day - vice versa. In this situation, willy-nilly, you will have to listen and hear each other, try to understand. Subtleties of the exercise:
- You can express disagreement and an alternative point of view, but do not insist on your opinion if today is not your day.
- Discuss disagreements, express your thoughts unobtrusively, calmly.
- Share feelings, emotions, experiences with each other.
- Do not abuse your position, respect and maintain the personal boundaries of the spouses. Every person has something that he does not accept - so-called taboos. Determine for yourself the boundaries of psychological flexibility, unchanging principles and beliefs. Voice them out to each other.
You can also try another variation of this exercise: assigning responsibilities. For example, choose a day when only your husband cooks or does all the housework. This is especially appropriate if he does not hear your requests for help or complaints about fatigue from everyday life. In the future, you can divide all painful responsibilities among yourself, rather than dedicate separate days. For example, you cook - your husband washes the dishes.
How to refresh your relationship
In everyday family life, everything seems boring and the same type, so it is necessary to refresh the relationship.
It's better to start with yourself. Remember what femininity and sexuality are. Dress up and take care of yourself.
It is worth adding more romantic surprises, dates and flirting. This is where relationships usually begin, and then the feeling of falling in love arises. This will add new sensations and diversify family life.
Try something new in your intimate life. Loosen up, add sexuality, change the environment. It might be worth trying role-playing games. Even if something goes wrong, you can still have fun without taking it too seriously.
Causes of an unhappy marriage
Often spouses grow cold towards each other and stop being happy primarily because they have nothing to give each other. We must understand that the world is the art of the possible; that not everyone can get a job that he likes and earn as much as he would like, but you should always strive for this and not give up your hopes and desires. And then the life of this person will not turn into a joyless existence, survival. He does not limit his world to the level of his work; he will always find an opportunity to pay attention to his interests. After all, now you can find a lot of interesting things for your own development and enrichment. And it's not about money at all.
Neurophysiological studies were carried out: scientists scanned the human brain and studied how it reacts to the emotions of joy. It turned out that in order to experience great joy, a person only needs a trivial reason - to smile at a child passing by, to pet a cat, to eat candy. A person can be happy from nonsense and, accumulating emotions of joy within himself, becomes a happy person. The more we enjoy the little things, the more we develop the capacity for joy. The same thing happens with negative emotions.
And it seems to a person that he will be much happier if he wins a car, buys an apartment, earns a lot of money, than if he just goes for a walk in the park and enjoys the first snow or the rays of the sun. The brain reacts to “big” and “small” joys in exactly the same way. Therefore, it is very important to fill your own life with small joys, and then your spouse will feel this joy coming from you and will also share their joy with you. For example, prepare dinner and put the food on beautiful plates, decorate the table, dress beautifully. From small joys and the desire to make your life more beautiful, more interesting, a lot in the family changes for the better.
How to improve communication
Even after a small quarrel, resentment and reluctance to communicate arise. But the problems and disagreements that have arisen cannot be resolved in this way. To establish communication with your husband, you need to:
- talk calmly, without unnecessary emotions , thereby showing that there is a positive attitude towards communication;
- it is worth asking for advice more often , making it clear that a person is needed in life;
- share your feelings and experiences , showing trust and openness;
- During conversations that resolve conflicts, it is necessary to express thoughts and positions specifically , without unnecessary lyrical digressions.
First signs
One of the key identifying signs is irritability for no reason, the so-called clinging to little things. The reason for this irritation does not lie in them, but lies on a completely different plane.
When people fall in love, everything seems rosy to them. We often dream about another person and invent a lot of things for ourselves. And then life checks to what extent our fantasies about each other coincide with reality. Frustration and resentment accumulate. And often the spouse shifts his own problems - his lack of fulfillment, making wrong decisions, his failures - onto his partner and demands that he brighten up his life. Such people believe that they cannot be happy until they have a certain set of goods - a car, an apartment, a lot of money, a prestigious job. They reduce their existence to the most boring schemes - they came home from work, ate and lay down on the sofa in front of the TV; nothing in life pleases or delights them. And if you continue to unwind this ball, then such a person does not really like his job, and his spouse is not very happy with him. As a rule, a person learns this form of being at an early age from his parents, who believed that life should be difficult, there is nothing good in it, and what is there to be happy about if there is deception and misfortune all around. This is the so-called philosophy of decadence.
Advice to the manager: conflict in the team, what to do?
Today, situations often arise in teams when there are employees, but there is no team. As a rule, the absence of a team is associated with conflicts between people. The topic of interpersonal relationships is one of the most basic, in my opinion. She needs to devote more time and issues related to the conflict are not resolved very quickly. This is long work for the manager and subordinates. Considering that managers are almost always busy with something more global, they sometimes don’t have time to deal with conflict resolution. In this case, a psychologist or conflict specialist hired from outside will not hurt. But still, let's talk about what a leader can do to prevent conflict or resolve disagreements that have arisen to the benefit of everyone.
Conflicts are felt especially acutely during periods of change, restrictions, and changes in usual conditions. And we live in a time when effective relationships in a team are very valuable, since they directly affect the results of the company.
What is conflict?
The first thing that is important to understand is that conflicts are very useful, you should not be afraid of them. If there is a conflict in a team, it means it is “alive”, people are not indifferent to their activities, and they are most likely interested in maintaining their place, in this case there is a chance to create an effective team. In addition, conflict is an excellent channel for the release of accumulated negativity within each employee. As every psychologist knows, you cannot keep negative emotions to yourself. Of course, it’s better not to pour them all out on the victim, but to “talk” them out, for example, first to a psychologist, but if the employee couldn’t resist, then what to do? First: minimizing the possibility of conflicts.
In general, the first step towards minimizing conflicts is conscious recruitment. A manager should think about what kind of employees he wants to see next to him. Usually, a person’s character and his behavioral tendencies can be revealed during an interview with the help of all sorts of tests and cases. It is also important to understand during the interview whether the employee supports the goals, values, mission and usual work process of the company, so to speak, whether he is on the same wavelength with it. Find out what the employee’s plans are for his service, what he can offer the company for development? How does he see his work in it? How can it be useful? See if your views on the company’s activities and its future development coincide.
It is also important to familiarize the employee with job responsibilities in detail from the very beginning. Any abstraction in an enterprise can lead to conflict. The more clarity there is in the work, the less likely it is.
Second: overcoming barriers
In my opinion, there are two types: communicative and perception. Communication barriers include: misunderstanding of the goals of related departments or the goals of employees from these departments, and therefore conjecture of non-existent facts about their activities. People do not have the habit of clarifying and finding out what their colleagues are doing, what problems and tasks they are solving, what difficulties there are, and how they can be useful. As a result, information is distorted during its transmission. Also, internal attitudes towards rivalry are often triggered. People forget that they are working towards a common goal and result. Instead of sitting down at the negotiating table, they compete, argue, and conflict.
Perception barriers mean the inability to listen and hear. This is mainly influenced by the psychological characteristics of colleagues, for example, temperament and thinking. There are business-oriented people, it is important for them to be “quick and to the point,” and there are relationship-oriented people, it is important for them to talk and create a warm atmosphere; these two categories speak “different languages.” If these features are not taken into account, it turns out that everyone's basic needs will remain ignored. Social differences, employee education, differences in vocabulary and vocabulary, and different levels of knowledge about the subject of discussion are also taken into account. Communication barriers are mainly resolved thanks to the leader. Its task is to explain to everyone who is doing what, to clearly define responsibilities, areas of responsibility, etc., to introduce opportunities for collective communication (planning meetings, meetings, feedback, individual meetings, corporate events), to inspire the team to achieve a common goal and achieve a common result. , and finally - material motivation of employees to achieve the goal. To overcome perception barriers, the role of subordinates is important - their desire to hear and listen to each other. It appears after overcoming communication barriers, where the leader contributed to this.
Third: neutralization of conflicts
If the first stage has been skipped, the team already exists, the barriers have been worked out, but a conflict has arisen, then first you need to understand whether there is a desire and motivation on the part of the employees to resolve the conflict, whether there is a goal for which these relationships are needed - this prerogative remains with As a leader, he shows his team the importance and effectiveness of positive interactions. His task is to unite and inspire them with a common goal and result. It is also worth taking into account the individual characteristics of individuals; understanding and acceptance of these characteristics by each member of the team and knowledge of “effective approaches” to one’s colleague, subordinate, or leader is a qualitative basis for the conflict to move from a dead point towards resolution.
There are things that are important for both managers and subordinates. This is the ability to get out of conflict, the so-called “paths of reconciliation”:
— Accepting responsibility: apologizing, expressing regret for past behavior, accepting personal responsibility for part of the problem. — Search for a solution: concessions on a controversial issue, offering a compromise, searching for mutually beneficial solutions. — Accepting the position of the interlocutor: expressing understanding of the other’s problems, recognizing the legitimacy of the other’s point of view, expressing good feelings, asking for honest feedback. — Explanation of one’s own motives: disclosure of one’s own needs, thoughts, feelings, motives.
Responsibilities of a manager in case of conflict:
— Call subordinates for a personal conversation and try to objectively assess the cause of the conflict, hear and take into account the point of view of each of the conflicting parties. — You can try to organize a dialogue between the conflicting parties with the participation of the manager, where all complaints can be expressed in a civilized manner. — If the conflict is difficult to neutralize, you can delimit areas of responsibility, goals, resources, responsibilities, etc. conflicting. - Be sure to give the opportunity for an outburst of emotions. This can be done directly, or you can use more creative methods: organize a corporate competition format (paintball, bowling, quests, etc.) - Have a sense of humor and be able to “mirror” any conflict in a positive way, with a dose of irony and wisdom.
In any case, it is worth remembering that we are all human and we have human desires, specific character traits and ambitions. By taking this into account, we make a breakthrough towards positive relationships, even if the underlying contradiction has not been resolved. People tend to get angry - this is a normal defensive reaction of their psyche. It can be very difficult to take the initiative to reconcile when the other is wrong, but if we do this, everyone ends up in a win-win situation. Everyone is inclined to defend their mistakes, while admitting their own mistakes causes reciprocal outbursts of nobility in the opponent.
What are the types of disagreements between husband and wife?
There are true and false conflicts. The first is a consequence of real reasons, and the parties perceive them adequately. The second option exists only in the minds of one of the spouses.
They also identify obvious quarrels, accompanied by strong emotions, verbal and non-verbal aggression; and hidden, when partners avoid communication, remain silent about their grievances, and wage a secret war. Unexpressed conflict is more difficult to recognize and eliminate.
But the main thing to remember is that conflict has an important function - regulating relationships. And if the conflict is resolved in a timely and constructive manner, the relationship will only strengthen.
How should spouses behave in marriage in order to always be interesting to each other?
If we talk about an ideal marital union, then this is a union of two individuals who are interesting in themselves. They have no request for their partner to make their life interesting, rich, and fun; they do not make demands, but discover new activities and phenomena for themselves. There are a lot of exciting things in life, and when spouses are each interested in living separately, then they have no complaints against each other. Moreover, in a married couple, everyone can have their own hobbies. A husband may love fishing, a wife may enjoy needlework, but the important thing here is that such couples are open to everything new, life itself is interesting to them. And such people, joining in a marital union, certainly enrich each other. In any situation, they find in themselves the ability to be surprised and delighted, because the world is not fully knowable, colorful and polyphonic.
Types of family conflicts
Depending on the interaction between family members, there is the following division of conflicts:
- between parents and children,
- between spouses and parents: mother-in-law - son-in-law, mother-in-law - daughter-in-law,
- between grandchildren and grandparents.
Types of conflicts in the family:
- genuine – actually exists and is perceived adequately,
- random, or conditional - easily solved, but its participants do not immediately realize it,
- displaced - when something else is hidden behind an obvious dispute,
- erroneously attributed - when the hero of the conflict is not a family member, but a friend or acquaintance,
- latent - based on a contradiction that actually does not exist,
- false - existing without serious reasons, for example, due to the bad mood of one of the family members.
In what cases is a psychologist needed to save a marriage?
You should start sounding the alarm when the spouses cause very strong irritation to each other and can no longer be in the same space. They are irritated by everything - smells, sounds, no matter what one says to the other. Here you need to understand the root cause, why is this so annoying? Most of the complaints in marital relationships stem from childhood - unspoken complaints against parents result in complaints against the spouse. As a rule, the main motive for getting married for such a person is a longing for intimacy, a longing for love, it seems to him that he is lonely, and he wants to fill his gaping emptiness with another person. When getting married, people with such internal needs initially experience euphoria from a new relationship, indulge themselves with illusions and hopes, make plans - we’ll make repairs, buy a car, give birth to a child, and life will get better. But it is not getting better, because initially the internal request to your partner to save you from loneliness was impossible, since a person can fill his emptiness only with his inner world. And when suddenly one of the spouses realizes that, despite the harmony of plans, he is still unhappy and nothing makes him happy, he becomes terribly disappointed in this relationship and shifts the blame from himself to the other. In such a situation, in order to understand yourself, you should seek help from a specialist whom you could trust to resolve your problems.
Strategy for handling a quarrel
How to avoid conflicts in the family? After all, quarrels are always inevitable with them. Or maybe you shouldn’t avoid them, but use them for your own benefit? When, in the process of an argument between people close to each other, the truth is born without rude expressions and accusations.
The most popular strategy for dealing with a quarrel is as follows:
- The first condition for successful conflict resolution is that all those quarreling do not crave victory. They just want to resolve the contradiction. The loss of one of them means the collapse of the family as a whole.
- The second condition is respect for the person, no matter how guilty he may be. Even in anger, you must not forget how dear this family member is to you.
- The third condition is that after a quarrel, do not remember her, do not hint about her motives.
When resolving difficulties, it is important to avoid peremptory views, not to involve third parties in the situation, and to be honest with yourself.
Ways to resolve conflicts in the family:
- Explanation (a conversation about the current situation in a tactful manner, identifying motives, difficulties and ways to overcome them).
- Refrain from arguing - simply compromise more often.
- An adequate response to a problem, perceived as an opportunity to learn from the mistakes of others and one’s own.
