Emotional coldness
Emotions in the life of a modern person are a catalyst for interpersonal relationships.
Negative emotions directed at us make us feel discomfort, just as positive ones allow us to “bloom”, giving us energy for new achievements. Therefore, it is very difficult for a person to be in a society without emotional and “faceless” people. But there are people (and there are more and more of them) who are not able to show their own emotions and adequately respond to the emotional messages of others. In psychology, this phenomenon is called emotional coldness.
What is emotional coldness?
By emotional coldness, psychologists mean the absence of any reaction on the part of the individual to the emotional messages of loved ones and others. A person goes through life with his heart securely locked away from everyone. He does not let into his soul not only those around him, but also his close and dear ones. Does not respond to their words and feelings.
Most often, close, loving people suffer from coldness of emotional perception. It's no secret that women are more emotional, so the lack of an emotional response from their loved one hurts them. Hurrying to share wonderful news, a representative of the fair sex expects a manifestation of delight and joy from her partner, but, alas, receives nothing. Naturally, she experiences a feeling of resentment and almost physical pain, suggesting that the lack of an emotional response is an indicator of the person’s indifference to her. In fact, the reason may be that the partner simply does not know how to express the emotions seething in him. He himself does not understand them in himself, does not feel them, cannot identify his feelings. The inability to recognize your feelings and emotions and, accordingly, express them is called alexithymia. Alexithymia is more common in men.
Causes of coldness in emotions
According to family psychologists, the emotional coldness manifested in a significant part of the male population is associated with upbringing stereotypes. It is childhood experience or the lack thereof that is the reason for such coldness.
If a boy/girl in childhood did not see manifestations of emotions and feelings from the father and mother in the parental family, or father and mother towards each other, it will be very difficult for them to tell their wife/husband about their own emotions and experiences. If a boy was not “caressed” and loved by his own parents in childhood, he will most likely be cold towards his child.
A child who has not received full parental attention and love, as he grows up, will become “stingy” with emotions and will reject manifestations of love in the future.
In fairness, it is worth noting that in the life of every person there are moments when he “falls” into a state of emotional coldness. These moments can be considered as a protective reaction of the psyche against emotional exhaustion. This is the so-called emotional burnout syndrome (EBS). The neurotic form of its manifestation is neurasthenia (irritable weakness). In a mentally healthy, adequate person, these periods are not long and often repeated.
What to do, what to do?
Some experts advise simply avoiding emotionally cold people right away, but I think this is not true.
If a loving woman is ready to fight for her chosen one, she should acquire patience and prepare for trials. Remember that this situation is not pleasant and painful for the “culprit” himself.
First of all, have a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse about his childhood and family relationships. This will allow you to draw the right conclusion: either he is emotionally cold, or he is simply embarrassed to show his feelings. If your partner is shy, try to convince him of your boundless love, and your loved ones should not be shy. If coldness manifests itself not only in marital relationships, but also in communication with your own children, try to involve dad in joint games and walks with the child, allow yourself to “fool around” from the heart as in childhood.
If your partner is aware of the problem and does not want to put up with it, but you cannot find a way out of the current situation, seek help from a professional family psychologist. He will help identify the root of the problem and suggest ways to solve it. Your love, patience, tact and psychological support will help remove the shackles of emotional coldness.
Sincerely,
practical psychologist in Simferopol, family psychologist Alexander Vitalievich Kashin
Reasons for cooling feelings
There are several reasons why the husband has lost interest in his wife:
- Everyday problems
Can a person change his attitude towards his wife because of everyday problems? Of course it can. Everyday life is something that accompanies our lives constantly. And against this background many phenomena occur in family relationships. Let's say there isn't enough money in your joint budget. Not only do you have to constantly save (and this is no longer so fun for you, nor for your husband, nor for your children), you do not have the opportunity for a good rest, where, as a rule, all grievances are quickly forgotten. So, most likely, you blame not only yourself, but also your spouse for not having the required amount of money. How do you do it? Do you look him in the eye every day? Or do you start quarrels, from which the main thing for you is to emerge victorious? Or you generally humiliate your husband by talking about how “a real man cannot behave like that, a real man would certainly find an opportunity to earn extra money.” Where is love then? After all, it may well be that, firstly, your spouse was never ready for such feats, but you married him, and secondly, men also have periods of depression and moments of failure. What does your husband do in response? He begins to avoid you, because you don’t understand him! Everyday life can corrode any human relationship, remember this.
- Financial difficulties
Financial difficulties are not the same as everyday problems, although in both cases we are talking about money. These are the troubles that only your husband knows. You may not even know that your spouse has them. Either this does not yet have any impact on your everyday life, or we are talking about money (for example, in business) that concerns life in general. A man generally tends to always think about finances and the future (with the exception, of course, of some representatives of the stronger sex). And since this constantly occupies his mind and is of great importance to him, then in the event of financial difficulties, your husband may completely move away from you (and not only from you!), because this is a serious problem for him that needs to be solved.
- Problems at work
Work is where we spend most of our lives, at least a significant part. It is difficult for women to understand the cooling of feelings on the part of their husband for this reason because they most often put family, children and husband in the first and unconditional place in life. Men, of course, not all prefer work to their loved ones, but there are some among them, and there are quite a lot of them. In addition, representatives of the stronger sex are still less conflict-resistant than women, so the reason for their cooling towards you may be due precisely to the fact that all the man’s thoughts are currently revolving around the situation at work. And if this problem is so serious that it threatens a demotion, a reduction in wages or dismissal, and the spouse is not yet ready to discuss this with anyone, then his behavior may not seem strange to you at all. He has no time for you. Although this is wrong. Indeed, in any difficult situation, in a harmonious relationship between husband and wife there can be no secrets, because in such families love and trust and mutual assistance reign. Therefore, if this is the reason for the cooling, you should still think: what’s wrong with you? Why did problems at work begin to affect your relationships?
- Depression, stress, overwork
Each of us experiences overwork, stress, and depression when we don’t want to see or hear anyone. At such moments, we can really change our attitude towards people, even very close ones. For example, in a situation of depression, a person does not care about anyone, he is passive, he feels bad even on a physiological level. You never know for some reason all this is happening to your husband. It is worth finding out the circumstances that preceded this. At the very least, if your spouse is stressed or depressed, you will definitely understand this and be able to distinguish between such conditions and other causes of cooling. By the way, after the end of their similar crisis, your husband will safely treat you the same way as before.
- Decreased sexual desire for wife
Unfortunately, decreased sexual desire is a fairly common cause of cooling between spouses. It occurs equally on both the male and female side. But for girls it is always unpleasant and offensive. Why does this happen? This can begin during a woman’s pregnancy, when the husband is afraid of hurting the child or is frightened by his wife’s appearance. The phenomenon is temporary and goes away with pregnancy. Also, a decrease in desire occurs if a woman stops taking care of herself, thinking that her husband will not escape from her. And along with the loss of sexual interest in the wife, cooling appears on the part of the man. After all, sex means a lot in the lives of representatives of the stronger sex.
- Relationships on the side
It's no secret that there are connections on the side. Here it is important to understand what kind of person is your spouse? There are men who, having connections on the side, on the contrary, strive with all their might to show their wife their love, care and devotion, thereby seeming to compensate for betrayal. There are a lot of such male representatives (they, as a rule, have enough affection for all women). But there are other husbands. Having plunged headlong into a new relationship, they begin to forget about the one who was faithful and devoted to them with all her soul. And if there is no gratitude for home and comfort, for love and children, then cooling occurs even faster. Or if, in addition to the other woman, there were other problems in the family: misunderstanding, mistrust, poorly organized life, etc.
And the woman suffers: “My husband has lost interest in me, what should I do?” However, we should not forget that cooling is still not the absence of love, which means that everything can be corrected. Let's look at the signs by which you can understand that your husband has cooled off towards you. They are, of course, a reflection of the underlying causes.
Coldness of a man: indifference or emotionlessness?
I am an emotionally cold man. This is the conclusion I came to today. I have some kind of icy heart and it takes a very long time for a girl to melt it. I discovered this pattern in myself after several relationships. Before giving care and love, I myself need to be warmed up, like on a burner, with these feelings so that I can melt. I can’t say that I don’t really show any feelings or emotions in relationships. No.
It’s just that girls who are waiting for “normal” male behavior immediately talk about this, but it still doesn’t exist. No flowers, no compliments, no surprises. And I would like to think about this topic. Is a man’s coldness a positive or a negative quality? Does it help in relationships and do you need to fight it?
Cold heart
Something is always missing
It is difficult to find a common language with people who have a cold heart. When they are around or interact with you, there may be an uneasy feeling that something is missing in your relationship.
Regardless of whether your relationship is platonic, romantic, or even family, you will have many difficulties with such people because they have no attachments. The most common missing link is emotional connection.
Emotionally cold type of man
Let's first describe the “portrait” of a cold man. Such men are looking for relationships, but at the same time they are afraid of them. They constantly try to keep their distance and don’t really show their feelings because they don’t want to lose control of the situation. They are also afraid of falling in love; hearing a girl compliment from them is already a holiday.
Cold men resist showing affection, do not ask for forgiveness and do not seek female attention. Often, this emotional coldness hides selfishness or even egocentrism. Such men play their game according to their own rules, while at the same time receiving a lot of attention and love from girls.
An emotionally cold man has good manners, it is interesting to communicate with him, he is actively involved in sports, and he has an ideal body. He gives the girls the impression of a “real man”, from whom he immediately wants to have a child. Such a man is very demanding of himself and others, responsible and prone to perfectionism.
There is no surer way to kindle passion in another than to keep the cold yourself.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
But such a “tasty” outer shell often leads to deception and after a while the girls begin to sound the alarm, because their emotionality is broken against an “icy” iceberg that never drowns. I would also like to emphasize that such cold men, as a rule, come across very emotional and sensual girls. And there is nothing strange about this, because opposites attract each other!
WATCH A VIDEO! He will run after you. If a man has cooled down.
Relationship with husband has become cold
Olga, hello!
Before you can build a good relationship with a man, you need to build a relationship with yourself. You are very young and it is likely that the partner you call your common-law husband is your first serious experience or one of the first.
Olga
Because of the cold treatment, I became unsure of myself.
Your self-worth obviously depends on the opinions and behavior of others. If you were truly confident in yourself, such words would not even touch you. The fact is that close people, and in your case this is a very close person, with whom you share not only everyday space, but also release the brightest markers into your body. This means that only next to another you can understand that inside you is NOT structured that way. This is NOT how you express your emotional response to another person's behavior or words.
Olga
She wants me to deal with my problems myself.
Before moving in together, did you discuss your life together? Who works, who does housework, etc.? Most likely no. And it turns out that after two months of living without setting boundaries and discussing the rules of the hostel, it turned out that you wanted one thing, and your partner wanted something completely different. Plus, both of you have no experience in expressing your desires and negotiating.
Olga
Circumstances so happened that I had to move in with him.
Circumstances force us to make decisions, but it was your decision to move in with a man that revealed his unwillingness to be responsible for you. Understand this. And ask yourself, is this person actually ready to take care of you?
What type of life together will suit both of you? Apart from maintaining an open dialogue, respecting each other's opinions, nothing else will change the situation. How and when to talk? Well, not at the moment when a man comes home from work hungry and tired))) Learn feminine wisdom and diplomacy.
Olga
I became nervous, irritable, hot-tempered and unbalanced.
This is because you are not in control of the situation. Your own life is in your hands and therefore taking care of your resource (emotional and physical balance, satisfaction, etc.) is your concern. When people come together out of need for each other, and not out of excess, that is, the desire to share their joy, well-being or emotional fullness, then disappointment comes. As in your case. You expected to compensate for your instability by having a man take care of you. This can be quite normal when BOTH partners understand what they give to each other, what they exchange and agree to such an exchange.
Olga
We have nothing to talk about, he is not interested in my life and problems, everything has become monotonous, he does not give flowers, he never invited me for a walk, there is no warmth, care, affection.
Life together can be successful when you have figured out mutual interests and ways of giving joy to each other BEFORE you start living together. Sex can quickly bring people together and please you with a physiological coincidence for some time, but in addition to sexual coincidence there is an intellectual (interests, inclinations, plans for the future), emotional (temperament properties, ways of solving problems and responding to them), physical (everyday habits , social skills), character, cordial attractiveness (the ability to give tenderness, talk about important things, etc.).
Everything I wrote above does not mean that you need to break up. This means try to understand yourself as much as possible in this relationship . Who are you, what do you want from life, how do you see your future? Actually, only to myself. And then take a closer look at whether this particular man can fit into your picture of the world. Start with yourself. Live this relationship to the fullest. You will always have time to leave, especially since, apparently, you have nowhere to live yet. Start with your own resource, discover your source of strength. Only without being tied to other people: he should be like this, do this, etc.
Women are sorceresses and can create a happy life for themselves. A woman who knows how to be happy for no reason, because she does not need others to solve her problems, receives full care. This is the paradox of life and its secret. Such a woman is attractive and desirable.
What kind of person should you be, what should you be able to do in order to feel happy, joyful, confident and satisfied with your life? Find answers to these questions. And if you can’t do it on your own, come see a psychologist.
After the birth of the child, the relationship with my husband began to go wrong! (3 answers)
Sincerely, Vuimina Larisa Alekseevna, psychologist Rostov-on-Don
Good answer3 Bad answer0
Tips for girls on how not to behave with a cold man
1. Don’t play the “he’s a fool” game with him. In other words, don’t answer him in kind. Like “you’re cold and I’ll be an icicle,” you think he’ll look at himself from the outside and come to his senses...nothing like that. Everyone loves as best they can. And he knows that you can do differently, and after changing your behavior, he will simply stop feeling loved. With such actions you will achieve nothing except ruin everything completely.
2. Don’t constantly remind him what an emotionally cold man you got, and how much you don’t like it. Even in a fit of emotion, don’t tell him how icy and thick-skinned he is.....although sometimes you want to.
3. Don't pay any verbal attention to those rare moments when he behaves differently. He is simply guaranteed to feel uncomfortable….I mean phrases like: “Well, finally you said (did), I thought I wouldn’t get any tenderness from you”…..if he is really emotionally cold (and not he just doesn’t love you), then these words or actions were not easy for him. Support him with your behavior, kiss him especially tenderly, tell him how happy you are at such moments...
What to do with an emotionally cold man?
When girls encounter a man’s coldness, they really don’t know what to do. Having not found the answer to this question themselves, they run straight to their girlfriends, and they tell them: “No, this is not a man, leave him, why do you need him like that.” But how can you break up when you feel love for him? You just need to understand the reason for his coldness and interest him so that he himself wants to “unfreeze” a little. The girl's desire alone will not be enough.
1. Never give up on that love! Yes, sometimes it’s difficult and you give up... they say, I go to him this way and that way... but he’s like ice. One such stop, one mistake and everything will have to start again.
2. Become an example for him. Do for him what you would like to receive in your address, but do not demand immediate action from him in response. Become a role model.
3. React brightly to any progress in “thawing”. And then he will understand how to behave.
4. Always ask him questions about feelings and emotions. Did something happen at work? At the same time, don’t ask what he will do….ask how he feels.
If Gerda has already dealt with Kai and unfrozen him, then you can do it too. The main thing is to warm it up gradually).
If you want to destroy something, be cold. Once feelings, thoughts or actions freeze, relationships become impossible. Wanting to part with something in ourselves or let someone go, we stop paying attention to the person, inviting him and noticing him, we try not to meet him, not to see him and not to hear him.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Runner with the Wolves
PSYCHOLOGICAL PORTRAIT OF A COLD MAN... coldness (or, as psychologists call it, rigidity) usually appears as a mask that helps protect against strong feelings as a result of some kind of trauma. As a rule, rigidity is provoked by the trauma of injustice. This version fits well into the biography of Keanu Reeves. Keanu's romance with Jennifer Syme (David Lynch's assistant) was dramatic and ended tragically. Jennifer first became pregnant and lost her baby, who died a week before giving birth. By the way, Keanu was present at the birth... And later Jennifer Syme herself died in a car accident, and the cause of death was such a trifle as not wearing a seat belt...
!. Rigid men are often perfectionists in everything. Whatever they undertake, they strive to bring it to perfection. Sometimes their desire for perfection borders on obsession. 2. Cold men are very strict and demanding of others, but they are even stricter and more demanding of themselves. 3. Rigid, stingy in showing emotions. They are quite reserved and cold. They prefer not to get close to anyone. But at the same time, they themselves do not notice their coldness and can be extremely offended if someone reproaches them for this. 4. The iceberg man’s biggest fear is other people’s coldness! 5. Nothing hurts them more than someone's injustice. 6. Cold men know how to turn off emotions and, to some extent, manage feelings. Only representatives of this psychotype can become professional gigolos and kiss a girl they don’t like. In addition, rigid men may prefer relationships of convenience to relationships of love and choose a partner with their minds rather than their hearts. 7. Iceberg men are often distinguished from a crowd by their beautiful, almost flawless body. They tend to not only be well built, but also work hard on their muscles. At the same time, no matter how much the surrounding girls admire the muscles of such a man, he himself, as a rule, is never completely satisfied with himself. 8. In love, such men are extremely reserved. Even if they love a girl with all their hearts, they have great difficulty showing feelings. It is difficult for them to confess their love, much less talk about it or show it in public. 9. Rigid men hate admitting their weaknesses and asking someone for help. They usually underestimate and downplay their problems and say, “I’m doing great,” even if five minutes ago they were laid off/fired/the end of the world. Doctor and psychologist Alexander Lazursky, who developed the doctrine of personality and character types, called emotional rigidity “stability of emotions.” In other words, fixing attention on any traumatic events, objects, incidents. So, many years have passed since Keanu Reeves lost his daughter and lover, but, obviously, even with the passage of time, the actor is emotionally “tied up” to these events. Lazursky writes: “... A long-lasting feeling continues to operate even during seeming breaks... A person seems to have had fun and forgotten about his grief, and yet he himself feels that he is not able to do any extraneous business: the corners of his lips are “still remain lowered all the time, his movements are still slow and suppressed - in a word, the influence of this feeling, although temporarily out of the field of his consciousness, continues ... to affect his entire behavior.” Severe injuries rarely heal on their own. And in the case of cold men, who often simply refuse to admit that they have emotional problems, this is doubly true. So the surest way to “unfreeze the iceberg” is to help him admit that he still has not healed his psychological trauma. However, it is better to solve such problems under the guidance of a professional psychotherapist.
