- September 16, 2018
- Psychology of relationships
- Valentina Buravleva
Relationships with your mother are not always ideal. Sometimes they only bring pain and misunderstanding. Such relationships are especially difficult for daughters.
The problem of conflicts with parents
Many people ask the question of how to improve relationships with their mothers, especially daughters. Conflicts between mother and daughter are different. It depends on the character of a person, his upbringing, the social environment in which he grew up. Therefore, all people react completely differently to the behavior of another person. Perhaps in one case the conflict may develop into a regular quarrel, and in another there will be a sincere conversation with each other.
Toxic relationship with mother: how to recognize and what to do
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“I endured everything for your sake”, “You won’t succeed”, “Why do you always do this” - from childhood, a child can become a victim of a toxic relationship with his mother, which will then affect his future. Together with psychologist and psychotherapist Tata Feodoridi, we figure out who mothers-victims and mothers-critics are and how to deal with pressure from a parent.
The problem of lack of unconditional maternal love
Unconditional maternal love is a warm, enveloping blanket of acceptance and calmness, support, affection and warmth. Very often, psychologists compare maternal love to a charged battery. A girl or boy who received it in childhood goes through life much easier, they believe in themselves and it is easier for them to cope with difficulties.
A key component in mother's love is unconditional. “No matter what you are, I love you,” “no matter what happens to you, I love you,” “lost, it didn’t work out, a mistake, a fall — I love you.” However, just as a battery can be charged, it can also be discharged. And, unfortunately, life is very difficult for children who do not feel this unconditional maternal love as they grow up. They are more susceptible to depression, abusive relationships, doubt whether they are worthy of love at all, whether anyone will treat them well, accept them as they are, and not break them.
Jane Birkin with daughters Charlotte and Kate in Paris, 1972
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Types of Mothers in Toxic Relationships
There are three main models of behavior of mothers who subject their children to conscious or unconscious pressure.
Critical mom
Such mothers often put pressure on the patient, creating complexes: “you are short” or “you have a big nose.” As their daughter grows up, she becomes her own harshest critic: she constantly doubts herself, feels dissatisfied with herself and often even hates her. Such girls have global problems in romantic relationships and any other areas of life. They belittle themselves, criticize themselves, do not accept them, and literally smear them all over the wall. And no matter how beautiful, charismatic, smart and talented a girl is, she will still look at herself in the mirror and think: “I’m a freak and I don’t deserve anything in this life.”
Shaming mom
Girls who grew up with a constantly shaming mother engage in masochism throughout their lives. They are in abusive relationships, enduring humiliation, beatings, an alcoholic husband, and all sorts of bad treatment. Sometimes from the outside it seems as if they are ready to put up with absolutely everything.
Next to shame there is always humiliation. It can be of a different nature - through psychological or physical violence - and in any format: humiliating statements, coercion to some awkward actions, shame, ridicule, ridicule, jokes. Criticism of the child among shaming mothers reaches its climax and turns into the format of public flogging. This is a very aggressive form of relationship. Mothers can put pressure on the child not directly, but indirectly, for example, by saying: “What you want is disgusting. What you like is disgusting." In such relationships there is no sex education, or it is a shameful topic, which then results in problems in further emancipation.
Mom the victim
We are talking about an unhappy mother who endured a lot for the sake of her children. “I lived for you and your father,” “I denied myself a lot for you.” The mother may not even say anything directly to the child, but will show it with all her appearance. In fact, such parents themselves ruin their lives in front of their children, for example, if they constantly tolerate alcoholics, beatings or psychological abuse.
When the children of such mothers grow up, they begin to feel guilty towards them and they are ashamed to be happy. Their typical words: “I want to go on vacation, I have a good family and children, but I know that everything is very bad with my mother. I tried to get her out of the situation, but she doesn't want to. I’m ashamed that I’m doing well and she’s not.” The second scenario is copy-paste. When children grow up in an atmosphere of tolerance, they often carry this type of relationship into the future.
Actress Jayne Mansfield with her daughter in New York, 1955
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Who is guilty
There is no one who is guilty or wrong in this situation. People simply cannot find a common language with each other, and a problem arises: just as the mother did not accept the children and their actions, in the future the children themselves cannot accept the mother’s choice.
A healthy relationship between a child and a parent should always be equal. A child should not raise an elder, and an elder should not put pressure and humiliate the child.
What can you do to improve your relationship with your mother?
Start communicating and building a dialogue. Most people have learned to speak, to use words in a sentence, but have never learned to convey their thoughts. The main problem in toxic relationships is that people cannot understand each other because they do not know how to talk to each other.
Avoid categorical language in conversation: “You don’t want to spend time with me at all. You don’t care about our relationship!”, “You don’t love me.”
Try to build sentences based on the following principles:
Fact: “Yesterday she told me...”, “During a family dinner, you agreed...”.
Emotion: “I felt sad and thought about it all day,” “I was so angry with you.”
Infringed need: “I really miss you, I don’t have enough time spent together alone,” “After all, I finally feel fulfilled and happy, and suddenly it’s as if this is eluding me,” I want to understand that you are always on my side, I want trust and feel safe."
Parent's interest: “I see that you lack my attention, we spend little time together,” “Give me the opportunity to pursue a career, and I will try to better plan my time so that we see each other more often.”
Request: “I beg you, don’t do this again.”
Work with separation from the parent. It is very important for an adult to understand that if he is still an adult and he has a painful, breaking relationship with a parent, it means that psychological separation has not occurred, that is, the transition to independence. Therefore, if you are in pain, first we go to dialogue, and then we begin to work on separation - we work through childhood grievances and rebuild the relationship into an “adult-adult” format.
Actress Sophia Loren with her mother Romilda Villani in Rome, 1962
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Try to understand each other
How to improve relationships with your mother if they are filled with misunderstandings and conflicts? In psychology, there are several important recommendations for a daughter to establish a good relationship with her mother. And one of the most important things is to try to understand each other. It is obvious that the mother and children belong to different generations.
The environment in which the mother was raised is significantly different from the environment in which the daughter (or son) is now. Every year people's worldviews change. Modern youth are becoming more educated. The older generation can only envy their enthusiasm. Such cultural and age differences create conflict situations between relatives. Therefore, it is very important that the daughter understands the existing reason for the differences between generations. This will promote mutual understanding.
How to make peace with your mother after a quarrel
Often quarrels with family cannot be avoided due to misunderstandings between generations.
And if the problem is not addressed immediately, it can have complex consequences. How to appease your mother after a quarrel, how to find understanding? For reconciliation, you should choose a place where there will be no strangers, because the quarrel occurred between you. Nothing should distract from a frank conversation. When starting it, the first thing you need to do is pay attention to what mood your mother is in. If she is noticeably worried or very irritated, you should take care and provide comfortable conditions. An apology, an explanation of the reasons for actions, their motives, notes of sincere repentance in the voice will help solve the problem and make peace.
Confidence
As you know, blood ties between close people are the main factor in trusting relationships between relatives. For a parent, his child will always remain small, even despite his age. The relationship between mother and child is the purest connection that can exist between people. All activities of a mother are aimed only at the well-being of her own child.
Therefore, any daughter should understand that her mother wishes only the best for her. Only years later is it possible to realize that sometimes a mother is the only person who is incapable of betrayal. After all, friends are not always faithful. And the mother will always be on the side of her child. If you realize this simple truth, then trust will gradually develop in relation to the person closest to you in life - then the question of how to improve relations with your mother will no longer torment you.
Features of the relationship between daughter and mother
Communication with the mother is established from a very young age. There is evidence that shows that a child is able to perceive the sounds and voices of loved ones already in the womb, thus becoming familiar with the outside world. After birth, a close relationship with the mother is formed.
But even this strong connection is subject to various conflicts and problems from which it is difficult to get out. Most often, these disagreements are observed between daughters and mothers. Women's emotional response to external conditions contributes to the rapid emergence of conflicts and most often worsens the relationship between these close people.
Building a connection between a child and a mother rests on the shoulders of the latter. It is she who dictates the rules of interaction and relationships that will develop over time. That is, upbringing plays the most important role in conflicts between these people. Even if the culprit of specific quarrels and stumbling blocks is the daughter, the mother still partially takes responsibility for these events, since she did not teach her to do the right thing in time.
Consanguinity, if there is one, will constantly connect these people, bringing them closer. If the mother is not biological, then this factor will figure in their quarrels all their lives. This is at the root of all conflicts related to adoption or between stepmothers and stepdaughters.
Whatever it is, every mother wants the best for her child. Exceptions occur in socially disadvantaged families where alcohol and drugs are abused. Parents imagine the ideal life of their children, where the best dreams, in their opinion, come true. Naturally, they do not always coincide with what the children themselves dream about.
New generations dream of something different, more modern. Living standards, moral values, and priorities between different areas of activity are changing. On this basis, disagreements very often arise, since the mother represents a better future by her own standards. At this time, the daughter is trying with all her might to prove her own independence and show the strength of her capabilities. In such conditions, relationships with the mother do not develop.
Set personal boundaries
Of course, mother and child must be emotionally connected. However, not to such an extent that they turn into bosom girlfriends/friends. A best friend is a person with whom you can share your most intimate things and be listened to. But it is impossible to do this with the mother, since there will always be issues in which a close family connection will only interfere with sincerity.
This is due to the fact that even the best friend or girlfriend cannot share the same unconditional love that is present in the relationship between mother and child. A mother may be ready to make any sacrifices for her child and always justifies him (in certain cases, which, of course, cannot be called the norm, she accuses him). A best friend or girlfriend, on the contrary, can listen to a person from the outside and give advice. It is the opportunity to share with another person what is boiling over that ultimately allows you to find support within yourself. But such a friend cannot be a mother.
Psychological portrait of a man with a lack of female love
A bad relationship between mother and son hits hard on the male psyche. An unloved, under-caressed boy in childhood, who was often criticized and little praised, becomes an insecure man. Outwardly, he may look amazing, have some attributes of a successful life (a car, his own apartment, expensive things), but inside himself he will remain the same boy. As a rule, it is difficult for him to make decisions because he continues to doubt his own abilities, he is distrustful, quick-tempered and emotional, and is subject to constant mood swings. He is rarely happy in love relationships, because at a deep level he continues to consider himself unworthy of love and attracts corresponding girls who do not know how to love. His companion will need time and a lot of patience for the situation to change for the better.
Relationships between mother and child, not girlfriends
Mother and daughter should remain first and foremost parent and child, not friends. Sometimes the mother may feel the need to share her feelings in response. In such cases, we usually talk about discussing the relationship with the father or the man who raised the daughter. At the same time, the daughter has already developed some kind of relationship with this person that influences her life. And she can see him as one person, while her mother sees him as a completely different person. A mother's relationship with her man is not the same as a daughter's relationship with her father or stepfather. Such revelations will always cause a desire to somehow influence these relationships.
The consequence of this will be a confusion of psychological boundaries. It will already be difficult to determine who is right and who is wrong; where the connection between parents and children begins, and where the relationship between adult spouses begins. Such an imbalance causes difficulties, tension, and mistrust. We will talk not just about the difficult relationship with my mother, but also about the general tension of relations in the family. Therefore, it is important for an adult daughter (or son, if we are talking about him) to learn to build their own psychological boundaries. You should not tell your mother in every detail about your relationship with your lover. Likewise, there is no need to discuss with her how the relationship between the parent and her man develops.
Relationship with mom: where does “okay” end and “help” begin?
If childhood resembles a horror movie in the style of “Bury me behind the baseboard,” then it is clear that the situation is unfavorable. Although in reality chronic violence does not happen in every home.
However, alarm bells ring for many:
- it’s hard to talk to mom on the phone;
To wish Happy New Year or Birthday, you gather your courage for two days. The usual half-hour dialogue about the weather/nature/neighbors squeezes out all the juice. When you cancel the call, you feel a huge sense of relief. At the same time, the thought pops up: “Yeah, now I’m free for another week.”
- it’s difficult to address yourself as “mom” or “mommy”;
Words literally get stuck in the throat, a lump appears, a cough or spasmodic silence appears. It happens that a person prepares himself in advance to say the cherished word. But at the most crucial moment, the following comes out of your mouth: “Hello, mmmm, how are you?”
- I can’t have a heart-to-heart talk;
Intellectually, we understand that mother is the closest person. But for some reason it’s difficult to share my secrets with her. There has been no approval and support from her for so long that you can no longer expect it. You prefer to resolve your issues silently and independently. It’s easier to pay an exorbitant amount to a psychotherapist than to discuss something disturbing with your own mother.
- I want to “never be like her”;
Usually such promises are made to oneself in adolescence. “I will never yell at my children!”, “I will never hit a child,” “I will always take care of myself, and not like my mother,” “My wife will never be like her.”
A standard set that often comes back like a boomerang. At some point, these people find themselves exactly copying the behavior of one or both parents.
- tactile contact is prohibited;
Even an accidental touch makes you twitch. And sudden hugs paralyze and cause thoughts: “Why is she so old?!” You get stuck in surprise and don’t immediately remember how to react to such manifestations of feelings.
- he’s not at all drawn to visiting;
A weekend visit is like a punishment. You don’t want to, you try in every possible way to shorten, move or cancel. But then, clenched into a spring, you walk, because “that’s the way it’s supposed to be, they’re not strangers.” The tension shoots out at the most inopportune moment and the family dinner once again ends in a quarrel.
— tormented by doubts.
Next to your own thoughts there is an obsessive feeling: “Will mom like it?”, “What would mom do?”, “I want to, but mom won’t understand.”
All of these are red flags that suggest that the relationship is not as close as we would like. You don't scream or break plates? But the Cold War is also a war. Think: is everything really wonderful or is it very unpleasant for you to admit the opposite?
Apologize in time
Over time, conflicts arise between mother and daughter. For example, a mother may say: “I have taken care of you all my life, I have invested a lot of strength in you so that you now have a happy and prosperous life.” She will rightly believe that the time she spent raising the child is lost forever. A parent may regret that she did not live her life. Such a message on a psychological level usually means something like this: “Now you be my mother, support me, save me from myself.”
If a conflict of this kind has become heated, and as a result of it the relationship with your mother has deteriorated, you should not expect who will take the first step. Instead, you should apologize and, if possible, admit the mistakes you made. But only those for which the daughter or son is really to blame. You shouldn't take full responsibility on yourself. An adult daughter should not turn into a mother to her own mother. Also, you should not try to change another person or condemn him for spiritual weakness or lack of willpower. You shouldn't hold a grudge against your mother either. After all, someday she will be gone, and it will be a pity for the lost time.
Talk openly about what you are not happy with
One of the main recommendations on how to improve your relationship with your mother. Often, a lack of open communication becomes a common problem in the relationship between mother and adult child. You need to be open about your feelings. If the mother communicates as if with a small child, you should calmly say something like: “Mom, don’t treat me like an unintelligent child. I don't like it and I feel the need to change it."
If you have to deal with requests, demands, invasion of personal boundaries or plans, or if you feel that the mother is manipulating, you must take advantage of the right of every person to express their wishes and be able to say a firm “no” to anyone.
Algorithm for constructive dialogue
You shouldn’t wait long for the right opportunity or choose a specific setting or time. You just need to discuss communication problems in an even and calm tone and talk about your observations. To do this without scandals, you will need to develop a small skill. But it is quite possible to do this. Psychologists recommend following this algorithm:
- Tell us about your request.
- Explain why the current situation is troubling.
- Tell us about a solution that is acceptable to you. After that, you just need to watch what happens next.
Often people try to keep their wishes to themselves, as well as the goals of communication that they have. They shy away from dialogue and avoid directness. It creates the misleading impression that open conversation will certainly lead to confrontation.
But the hidden conflict is even more uncontrollable. It will invariably increase. If your relationship with your mother has not worked out, and such a confrontation is already taking place, you should try to calmly talk to each other within the framework of the specified algorithm, expressing your requests and listening to the wishes of the mother. If you can’t build a dialogue, you might need to seek help from a psychologist. In any case, it must be remembered that relationships can only be resolved if they are discussed openly.
Features of the relationship between mother and son
Like the relationship between parents and children in general, this family connection also does not always develop smoothly. This often happens because the son is growing up and starting to build his own life. When the question of marriage openly arises, the relationship with the parent may deteriorate completely.
What to do in this case? The son needs to let his mother understand that he is an adult who has the right to build his own life in the way he wishes. This does not mean that you do not need to help your parents or forget about them. You can take care of the mother, but at the same time let her understand that she should not interfere in the personal life of an already adult child. This applies not only to issues of marriage or personal life, but also to any choice of an adult son.
Why do we only quarrel with our mother, but our whole life doesn’t get along?
With all due respect to dads, it is the mother who brings us into this world. During infancy, she symbolizes life with her entire being. She is warmth, she is safety, she is food, she is love, she is the only way to survive here.
Over time, the child moves away; psychologists say “separates.” This is a slow process over decades. All this time, the mother remains the main reference point.
Look at a baby who has just begun to explore the world. He runs, jumps, tries everything, but regularly looks at his mother: “Are you there? Everything is fine? How does he react to my tricks?
Teenagers are fidgety and show character, but for them, mother’s support is a most valuable resource. So the mother pulled herself together and sincerely praised her son’s mohawk or her daughter’s piercing.
So she didn’t read the moral, but simply came at the first half-hint and took him away from a bad place. But she found cigarettes in her pocket, put them back and admitted it forty years later.
Unfortunately, the opposite happens more often. As children grow up, many families are reminiscent of the program: “Scandals, intrigues, investigations!” The child does not receive the necessary acceptance, security and love.
But due to little life experience, he considers this the only possible option for interpersonal relationships! And in later life he chooses partners who behave similarly.
It's important to really be an adult
Relationships with your mother as an adult should be built on the basis of the highest moral qualities of the individual - acceptance, understanding, and the ability to forgive. It’s bad if an adult still considers himself an offended child whose parents didn’t give him something. No matter how difficult childhood may be, most parents strive to give their child the best they have. Therefore, it is stupid to blame them for any wrongdoing.
It happens that a mother is aware of her mistakes, but does not want to admit them, so as not to lose authority in front of her daughter or son. As a result, this only leads to a dead end. In this case, it is necessary to understand that the mother also has the right to make mistakes. You just need to start seeing her as a role model. After all, this is what parental example is for. It is better to learn from their mistakes than from your own.
Authoritarian mother and daughter – psychology
A separate case in the relationship between a mother and an adult daughter and their psychology is an authoritarian parent. Such mothers are confident in their own exclusivity and demand that their daughters fully comply with them. The slightest offense is identified with one’s own behavior. Therefore, the daughters of such mothers have no right to make mistakes.
There are 2 signs of an authoritarian mother:
- Lack of emotional connection between mother and daughter.
- Total control over the daughter’s behavior, constant imposition of her point of view and model of behavior.
Such a mother is not at all interested in the child’s inner world . There are no age limits for an authoritarian mother. As a child, she may not pay attention to the experiences of her own child, since the problem does not exist for her.
For her, the situation looks far-fetched, while in the eyes of the little girl the whole world is collapsing.
Later, the situation takes on a different character - the mother controls her daughter at all stages of development and in all areas of life. She demands that her daughter be constantly in touch and keep up to date with all her affairs. At the same time, the parent makes adjustments to her life, because “I am a mother, I know better.”
Note! There is a difference between an authoritarian mother and an authoritative one. There is nothing reprehensible in the fact that a parent is an authority in the eyes of a child. On the contrary, such mothers grow up to have strong-willed, self-confident daughters, since they had an example before them, an indicator of what a woman should be.
To understand the seriousness of the situation, an authoritarian mother must look at herself from the outside and urgently change her behavior strategy . Otherwise, the result of such upbringing will be a lethargic, uninitiative adult daughter.
Or, if it was not possible to break the character, then the daughter will ultimately stop all communication with such a mother.
The first thing a mother who has recognized signs of authoritarianism in her behavior can do is take care of herself . Having a favorite activity will give you less time to correct your child’s behavior.
It is necessary to change the strategy of behavior. For example, instead of the usual reproaches about your daughter’s “wrong” behavior, try to support and accept her decision. It may not be a bad idea to give practical advice, but it should not take the form of a reproach or instruction.
Finally, you need to give your daughter the right to make possible mistakes and find ways to resolve them . To do this, you can take the position of an outside observer.
For a daughter, the best way to solve the problem of her mother’s authoritarianism is to fully accept responsibility for her own life. From now on, all decisions must be made by the daughter independently, even if they go against the mother’s ideas. This also applies to responsibility for possible consequences.
Transferring them to the mother means handing over to her the reins of her daughter’s life.
It is necessary to establish an invisible barrier and, in case of any attempts by the mother to impose her model of behavior, not react to her moral teachings. You can try to talk and discuss the current situation, but prepare in advance for the fact that the mother is unlikely to adequately perceive her daughter’s experiences.
It is better to react to all her arguments calmly and neutrally, without trying to reproach yourself, so the daughter will make it clear that she will not be able to piss off her mother. This behavior pattern will help avoid a scandal and will also reduce the likelihood of similar attacks in the future.
