The basis for the psychological well-being of children is harmoniously built relationships between all family members. With frequent discord and conflicts, children suffer, are humiliated, or, on the contrary, a certain privileged position is created for them. At the same time, the development of psychosomatic reactions in a child is inevitable, when unfavorable psychological factors manifest themselves as physiological symptoms.
Therefore, it is very important, if any problems arise in the family, not to wait until everything settles down on its own, but to contact a family psychologist for proper correction. But before things go too far, the relationship between parents and children can be improved by using the tips from this article.
An important factor in building relationships between parents and children is the upbringing scenario. The behavior model of a parent of the same sex is learned from early childhood and subconsciously duplicated. And in the future, creating his own family, he will definitely sublimate this model into his relationships.
In this case, the child often transfers not only the behavior model, but also the parenting style, as well as the complete family scenario. This is psychology, it happens unconsciously.
Script to repeat
Regardless of the family scenario, the child perceives and puts aside the model of behavior of each parent individually at the subconscious level as the only possible, natural, normal one. This happens even if this model is far from ideal.
This is why adults, when creating their own families, repeat the behavior of a parent of the same sex, even if this behavior was immoral. Yes, a person realizes that it is unacceptable to behave this way, but he simply does not know how to do it differently. No one taught him that he can quite successfully get out of conflict situations, how to be a good spouse and parent. He learned from the example of his parents. Examples from other families may differ; they exist, but are not significant.
For example, when she was little, the girl wanted to not be like her mother as an adult, to behave completely differently. This happens if the mother’s model of behavior is not a worthy example to follow. But as an adult, the girl will definitely find a life partner who is in many ways similar to her father. At first she will resist herself. But she will gradually begin to behave as her mother once did. She simply does not know any other relationship scenario and unconsciously transfers the example she knows to her own family.
The parent family scenario option for the child is a priority. It is deposited at the subconscious level as the only correct way of behavior, communication, stereotype, tradition.
It is noteworthy that in dysfunctional families, where children were treated with disdain, with insults and even beatings, adults do not always grow up with the same attitude towards their own children. If there was a positive example of behavior in a child’s life (for example, a family of friends), sometimes he will raise his own offspring in direct opposition to his parents.
Ultimatum for love
“Nobody likes naughty children” - such phrases instill fear in the naive mind of a child. He begins to fear that they will stop loving him, that he will become unnecessary, that he will be kicked out of the house or given to someone else, this affects his psychological growth. Children at an early age are not distinguished by logical thinking, and what seems absurd to adults will greatly frighten the child. Even if he understands that this will not happen, fear will still follow him. Or embitterment, a feeling of worthlessness and uncertainty will appear.
Children often make mistakes, including social ones; if after each of them he is frightened, scolded or punished, the desire to develop will disappear for a long time, if not forever. The psychology of a child’s understanding of the world is that he determines the boundaries of what is permitted; this is the only way he can understand where he can be and where he cannot. Parents need to act not as a Cerberus, but as a mentor who will explain and tell what is happening and what actions would be appropriate here.
Family is the first stage of development
The behavior of parents directly affects the life of the child and his behavior pattern in his own family. It is very important for parents to realize how appropriate the claims, punishments or rewards presented are. This way you can build harmonious relationships.
Parents naturally have the greatest influence on the children in the family. Their upbringing prevails over upbringing in children's institutions. And this directly affects how the personality is formed. In psychology, there are several parenting styles, which we will dwell on in more detail.
More about solving problems in relationships between children and parents
After reading the article “Tram People” you will learn what modern psychology thinks about such a problem as a “hysterical child” and how to deal with it...
In general, the psychology of relationships between children and parents is such a vast field that even on our modest website the lion’s share of space is devoted to it. Therefore, welcome to the “Children” section. There you will find ALL articles on psychology, on relationships between children and parents, psychological and educational games-exercises, analyzes of educational methods, as included. Not included in this short review.
Parenting styles
Authoritarianism
With an authoritarian style, all the wishes of the parents are the law, they must be fulfilled unquestioningly. But the child is suppressed, and adults don’t even suspect it. Parents demand obedience, but do not even try to explain the reason for their behavior. And it is not always appropriate for her to have strict control over his hobbies and interests. As a result, the child grows up withdrawn, there is no contact with his parents, he is unsure of himself and has a complex. Not every child tries to defend his interests by deciding on direct conflict.
The main principle of relationships
This may sound trivial, but the main component on which the relationship between parents and children should be built is love. The child is sensitive to how others treat him. He must know that his mother will love him, no matter what he does, that she will never leave him, will support him in any situation. Unfortunately, a mother does not always know how to express her love in such a way that the child understands it.
Sometimes such detachment says more about the parents than about the children. After all, this is an indicator that the woman was raised by authoritarian parents, who from early childhood instilled in her the idea that she would not achieve anything in life because of her worthlessness, that she was not worth taking on anything, because everything turned out badly for her. The results of such trauma usually last a lifetime. From the relationship between her parents, the woman concluded that she was also unworthy of love, and that the child could be treated without special affection. Therefore, the child does not evoke any special feelings in her, sometimes only negative emotions. As a result, such a mother uses physical punishment as a psychological release and seeks to cause pain to the child. This is a vicious circle, it is very difficult to break out of it, but if you want, it is possible. True, this will require the help of a professional psychologist and quite a lot of work on yourself.
By the way, the inverse relationship also works. The more harmonious the personality of the father and mother is, the less inclined they are to punish the child, much less to psychological or physical violence. Parents with a high level of intelligence, especially emotional intelligence, get more pleasure from communicating with their baby; they feel his needs well and understand his emotions.
In addition, the child does not always meet the mother’s expectations. Children and parents can be very different from each other. It’s good when the baby himself is endowed with a cheerful, smiling character. Such a child is easy to support. But parents with children must remember that every person has the right to be sad, angry, and even sometimes a little capricious. Accepting any behavior of a child will prove that he is loved. Acceptance does not mean that parents and their child should coddle or indulge their whims. But they must emphasize that they understand his feelings.
Approaches to education
Each family has its own educational system. It is based on creating harmony between its members. In psychology, there are several main approaches to education, including: non-interference , dictatorship , cooperation and guardianship .
With a dictatorial style of behavior, the child’s dignity and independence are oppressed. Such requirements can be made only when necessary, but not constantly. Otherwise, self-esteem decreases and a fear of expressing one’s opinion develops. Such children grow up hypocritical, complex, do not want to take initiative, and are easy to control, which is not a positive quality in adult life.
Psychology of communication with a child and positive aspects
If all of a child's mistakes are highlighted while their strengths and victories are ignored, a tense atmosphere is created. The child will think that he is doing everything wrong, that he is a loser and is only upsetting his parents.
If you only tell a child what not to do - “don’t talk to adults like that”, “don’t do that”, “don’t say that”, he will rebel because he doesn’t understand how to do it “that way”. Adults have formed patterns, this is how it should be, this should not be done. At first, the child does not have them, but later he will have to stretch his cocoon of stereotypes in order to live in society. It is necessary to replace these phrases with incentives to action, and focusing on praiseworthy behavior. The child will switch gears and know what he needs to do to earn praise. And parents will receive an independent, psychologically mature child, with the right approach to life.
Take care of your children, they are the most precious thing we have!
Igor Fomichev, clinical psychologist,
expert at the Center for Special Research and Expertise.
Consequences of different approaches
With the democratic method it is possible to establish harmonious relationships in the family. The child grows up to be an independent, responsible, active person. His behavior is flexible, demands are explained, actions are analyzed. Power is only appropriate when necessary. Obedience is encouraged, as is the baby's independence. It is important to establish a clear line - the child’s opinion is listened to, but not based on it.
Other types of behavior are variants of deviations from the norm. With the authoritarian type, alienation occurs, parents are insignificant for children, they feel unwanted. In case of unreasonable demands, the response is aggression and protest, or vice versa, apathy and passivity. With a liberal type of upbringing, the child feels permissive, does not think about the consequences of his actions, and as a result, growing up, does not know how to achieve his goals.
Despite the negative consequences, the most common type of parenting is authoritarianism. This is dictated by the experience of previous generations. Despite the fact that parents understand and remember all the difficulties of this approach, they still try to build the same relationships in their own family. Strength and authority are perceived as the fastest and most accessible way to solve problems and conflicts.
When raising a small child, this approach does not meet with possible protests. But during adolescence, a teenager tries to resist, and conflicts and disagreements constantly arise on this basis. And this is the parents' fault. Therefore, it is very important to choose the most optimal method of education from an early age, since it is almost impossible to change it in the future.
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Step two. Get your life in order.
Stop worrying about other people's lives and pay attention to yours. Finish those things that have been put on the back burner. Sometimes the heaviness of having to finish something develops into tension, which we unconsciously take out on others. Put your house in complete order and get rid of all unnecessary things. Old things are echoes of the past that pull back, not forward. Give yourself time to relax. Everyone has family problems, and they need to be solved, but this does not mean that we should forget about ourselves. Change your wardrobe, take care of your health, do what you have long wanted to do, but for some reason found excuses not to do it.
Step three. Be a role model for your child. Be a person who does not take, but gives resources!
How can a child become independent, reasonable, and independent if he has no one to follow as an example? How will he take care of his health and take care of his appearance if he does not see this in his family every day? We were all once little and wanted to be like someone, to admire someone. When you were a child, were these your parents? Or maybe it was some book hero or famous actor? You really liked the qualities that that person had, precisely because of them, you once wanted to be like him, these are resources. These qualities are manifested in actions. So if you notice that your daughter is being used by her friends and, moreover, you don’t like them, and you constantly tell your daughter: “Respect yourself and don’t communicate with these fools!” Think about how you communicate with friends and do you respect yourself? Do you love yourself? If not, gather your strength and willpower and start loving yourself. Show your child how to do it, rather than force it. He or she will definitely notice and appreciate it. Have you thought about it? Fine! Now ask yourself a question: How do you think your child would like to see you? This will be a great gift for your child. Your main educational goal is for your child to gain independence. And it may take place not in instructions and advice, but in the expression of support and approval on this difficult path.
Features of education at the present time
A person's personality is formed in the family. If you don’t take part in raising a child, your closest friends and acquaintances become, and following their example is not always a good idea. You cannot dominate a child by suppressing his will, interests and desires. Often in the modern world, adults try to involve strangers in the educational process. This happens due to circumstances (busyness, work, lack of experience and desire to acquire it).
If they resort to the services of a nanny, the child does not receive the right amount of love and care. You can leave your baby with your grandparents, but only for a short time. This change of scenery is beneficial.
But do not allow the baby to be constantly outside the home. It is important to know for yourself what is invested in the child, and not trust it to other people.
Parental responsibility also deserves special attention. Often a child grows up left to his own devices. Parents are confident that he can receive the necessary education in kindergarten and school. And their duties are only to check the diary. This is a big misconception. The family is the original source of education. You need to remember this. It is important to participate in the lives of children, regardless of age, to know about their interests and hobbies, where they spend their free time, and who they are friends with.
When demands are presented calmly and without violence, children usually listen. Mutual respect is the key to properly building harmonious relationships.
No to the action, yes to the person
A child gets a taste of this world; for him there are no boundaries that are tightly ingrained in the minds of adults. When a child goes beyond the bounds of decency, it is worth explaining to him what he is doing. How will other people perceive this and why this fine young man should refrain from such actions now and in the future.
In most cases, a child behaves “badly” because he saw it somewhere and now repeats it. This is a normal learning process; if you block this channel with punishments or long lectures, the child’s learning ability will deteriorate. If you teach him to filter information from the world, to succinctly and clearly explain what’s what, he will be able to survive in the world of information.
It is important to note that a simple phrase - “you don’t need to repeat everything” will not teach him anything or he will understand it in his own way. The child does not want to be capricious and do it to spite you, the real reasons lie elsewhere; if this happens, it means that mistakes were made in his upbringing.
What should be the punishment?
This is one of the most controversial issues in building relationships between parents and children. On the one hand, most parents have already realized that neither physical nor psychological violence helps either proper upbringing or harmonious relationships; on the contrary, they hinder this in every possible way. Therefore, under no circumstances should children be hit on the bottom, slapped on the head, or come up with other similar punishments. Meanwhile, the vast majority of modern mothers and fathers were raised using such methods. They do not know how to achieve obedience in any other way and continue to repeat the usual patterns. Instead, you need to carefully analyze your behavior and think about whether your son or daughter was really to blame.
In principle, there should be punishment. Only it cannot manifest itself in the form of violence or humiliation. But in the form of a ban - please. There is no need to put the child in a corner. Is your baby restless? It is necessary to sit him on a chair and forbid him to get up from it for at least ten minutes. And at the same time, do not give toys during this time.
Finally, there is one more important point. Punishment should not be public. Even if the baby has done a lot of wrong, the showdown can be postponed until later. And the remark itself, made publicly, should be as neutral as possible, so as not to humiliate the child. This applies not only to its essence, but also to the tone in which it was pronounced. There shouldn't be any shouting - it won't do any good.
Tags:Parents
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- Why do parents hit their children?
- Advice for parents: how to calm a child during a tantrum?
- Who is an aggressive child and how to rehabilitate him?
- How dangerous is childhood resentment?
