Sooner or later, parents have a question about how to improve their relationship with their teenage daughter, so as not just to maintain it, but to improve it. Establishing contact is important not only from the point of view of organizing peace in the family, but also from the need to control the changes occurring in the child. Every parent should see warning signs in time, but this is only possible with complete trust and good relationships.
In this article we will talk about the peculiarities of adolescence in girls. We will pay the most important attention to how to properly establish relationships with her, how to return them if the authority of the parents is lost, and the child has begun to trust more of a different social group.
Why did the relationship with my adult daughter go downhill?
Is your girl completely out of control: she doesn’t call, doesn’t write, and has forgotten the way to her parents’ house? The reasons may be different:
- Something went wrong. The state exam was not passed, the groom ran away from the registry office. It turns out that mom is to blame. She recommended the wrong university and failed to please a frivolous young man with serious intentions. You need to find the enemy “by the teeth”, on whom anger and resentment spill out. From the standpoint of the psychology of the relationship between an adult daughter and mother, the closest person is perfect for this role: he is always there, takes what is happening to heart, and is highly suggestible. Revenge pleases the pride of a grown-up child: the imaginary offender has suffered a well-deserved punishment.
- Violation of personal space boundaries. A grown-up child is an independent, integral personality. Her inner world is wide open to her close friends and boyfriend. But not for you if there is no such need. Obsessive attempts to get under the shell will be brutally suppressed: “Don’t get into my soul,” “This doesn’t concern you,” “I’ll figure it out myself, this is my life.”
- The fall of idols. Parents have no right to make mistakes in their personal lives. Divorce, alcoholism, job loss - the daughter will not forgive the debunking of her childhood ideal. If she has always imitated you, then it will be difficult for her to come to terms with the loss of the king in her head.
- Envy. Nature rests on children. Women with model appearance often give birth to daughters with the most ordinary external characteristics. In the psychology of relationships between mother and adult daughter, the phenomenon of healthy competition is unknown. By the age of twenty, the young failed beauty queen notices the admiring glances of men that are not directed at her. It’s impossible to envy silently: “It’s time to dress more modestly. Not a young girl,” “I’m always in your shadow, so I’m alone.” In addition, the ugly duckling does not necessarily find herself a husband who is as ideal a family man as her own father. Feeling deprived, a young lady rarely hides her irritation against the one who is more fortunate.
- Frustrated expectations. The young lady is convinced that her parents must certainly give her a start in life. “Dowry syndrome” disturbs family peace. The daughter, having not received the coveted car or apartment on time, blames her “ancestors”: they live for themselves, do not care about her future, do not get a job as janitors so that “it would be like their friends.” In such a situation, the relationship between daughter and father sharply deteriorates: he loses his authority as a breadwinner.
- Lack of parental love. Remember how it all began. Was your princess a planned and long-awaited child? Or “it just happened”? In the latter case, there is nothing to blame for an adult young lady if she did not pay due attention to her upbringing, took care of herself, her studies, and her career. The belated parental instinct begins to work in emergency mode: you want to pass on life experience at all costs, pat your treasure on the head, spend the evening together. But, unfortunately, the train has left: the lack of your presence in the children's world was made up for by your grandmother, boyfriend or rhythmic gymnastics coach.
How to avoid letting your son go too early
Letting your son go means teaching him not just independence, but also responsibility for his actions. But in order for him to learn this, he must not be given too much freedom too early. The boy will suffer from the fact that too much responsibility has fallen on him.
For a number of reasons, this often occurs during adolescence. We watch our boys' voices change, stubble appear, and we think they must talk like men because they look like men.
But these obvious signs do not always reflect the changes that occur in the boy's brain. You should always align your parenting methods with the development of your son's mind, not his body.
We usually worry more about teenage girls than boys. A boy cannot get pregnant, he will not be raped like a girl, and therefore boys are given more freedom. They are allowed to come home later. We think of boys as strong, responsible, and resilient, and we treat them as if they actually possess all of these qualities.
However, letting your son go correctly and in a timely manner does not mean “letting go of the reins” and allowing him to do whatever he pleases. Unfortunately, I see all too often how well-meaning mothers trust their sons simply because they are “good kids.” We forget that our “good boy” has a couple of “bad” friends.
Tips for resolving conflicts
Quarrels and disagreements in themselves indicate a loss of authority of elders. You can’t put a grown girl in a corner and you can’t take candy away by force. It is necessary to reduce the level of aggression on the part of the child by finding compromise solutions.
Tip No. 1. Try to find a common language with your daughter’s boyfriend or husband
Any groom or son-in-law will be glad to have the opportunity to provide a service to restore peace in the family. Boys, growing up, behave differently towards their elders than girls: they try to take them under their wing, protect them, protect them. They will cope with the role of peacemaker. Explain to the young man the essence of the problem. He will find a way to clearly convince your daughter that you should not get involved in a war against your own.
Tip No. 2. Try not to impose
Set a specific communication schedule. The root of problems in the relationship between a mother and an adult daughter often lies in the desire to maintain an observation post for everything that happens in the child’s life. Try to limit phone harassment: daily calls during your lunch hour are sufficient. Gradually reduce the length of the conversation. As you get used to the new regime, switch to the format of family Sunday lunches. Encourage your daughter to get in touch herself. Compliance with the ritual will determine the level of the young lady’s real need for contact with her parents.
Tip No. 3. Take up your time with new hobbies and interests
Is there any activity from which you cannot be distracted under any circumstances? Watching your favorite TV show, embroidering with beads, whipping fluffy cream for a cake? Do something stunning, previously untried, to make the heiress feel a sense of family pride. A hobby will distract you from obsessive thoughts about childhood ingratitude and the dubious future of the younger generation.
It’s great if you find something you like that might interest your daughter. For example, start a general blog. This is just the right option for improving relationships with your teenage daughter: a lost feeling of closeness with a loved one will appear, there will be topics for conversation, reasons for spending time together.
Tip No. 4. Learn to trust your daughter and remember that she has already grown up
You won’t be able to constantly lead the princess by the hand through life, even if you really want to. It's time to learn two simple truths so that a bad relationship with your daughter does not become the basis for open confrontation:
- Apples are different from apple trees. Your heiress has daddy's nose and mommy's eyes. But that's where the similarities end. She perceives this world differently, she is surrounded by people you don’t know, circumstances develop in unpredictable ways. With such initial data it is difficult to advise anything, much less categorically insist on one’s own. Do not stop an adult girl from following a special path and learning from her own, and not from other people’s, mistakes.
- Eggs sometimes teach chickens. Consult the young lady. Don't look for a better way to find a common language with your teenage daughter. Believe me, her life experience, different from yours, is already enough to make you take a fresh look at familiar things. Make important decisions at a general family council, giving the younger generation the right to vote.
Features of adolescence in girls
The teenager begins to prepare for adulthood. He experiences changes in the emotional sphere, there is a need to choose a life path, but the social group is even more important.
Parents are no longer an authority, the opinions of friends have more weight, and this is often associated with the involvement of children in illegal actions. A wise and patient parent can learn to establish contact with their daughter and help her get through a difficult period painlessly.
Until recently, a little girl climbed onto her mother’s lap, asked for advice, shared her experiences, but suddenly the moment came when all this ended. My daughter is still young physiologically, but she already wants to feel like an adult, to do and speak like an adult. At the same time, parents continue to treat her as a child, often not taking into account the emergence of new needs and social roles.
Any request from the mother or father is met with resistance; the teenager may withdraw into himself, refuse to do homework, housework, and be rude. Parents do not understand what the problem is, because, from their point of view, they wish only the best for their daughter.
Changes in hormonal levels, problems with self-identity, relationships with peers are often experienced quite difficult by teenagers, and the task of parents is not to put pressure and force, but to help and accept changes.
Stormy showdowns, attempts to give and force to do what parents require can have the following consequences:
- the child will withdraw into himself;
- the girl will grow up lacking initiative, surrendering to the pressure of her parents and fulfilling all their demands;
- a teenager may begin to resist, be rude, start scandals, throw a tantrum;
- in severe cases, the child may leave home unable to withstand the pressure.
In all these cases, immediate adjustments to family relationships are required. This does not mean that parents should give the girl complete freedom and indulge her whims. Education and relationship building should be done carefully and thoughtfully, and in some cases the help of a psychologist may be required.
Looking for common interests
Sincere attention to your son's hobbies will allow you to find common topics that are interesting to both of you. Yes, this is not difficult, since almost all boys love technology and computer games, and, in addition, a significant part of the grown-up sons are interested in sports and/or modern music. Of course, in order to discuss these topics with your son, you will have to at least get a general idea of what he listens to and what he plays. Perhaps it wouldn’t be a bad idea to even organize a home championship, defeating computer monsters, or attend a concert of your favorite rock band with your son, watch films that interest him, read books that he is delighted with. It may not be exactly the kind of literature or music that you like, but you will always have something to discuss! Argue, debate, even allow yourself to be defeated in an argument. Try to expand his range of interests - teach him to read more serious literature and listen to more complex music.
Who is guilty?
In a bad relationship between a parent and a teenage child, both parties are to blame.
Yes, sometimes teenagers literally provoke their parents into another quarrel , ask for a thrashing, and violate all prohibitions.
But adolescence proceeds quite smoothly if parents meet halfway and enter into the position of their growing child. After all, he simply cannot behave differently.
But adults can adjust their behavioral strategy and not try to demand the impossible from a child, not infringe on his freedom (within reasonable limits) and give him the opportunity to go through the natural stage of growing up as nature intended.
After all, a parent is not a supervisor or an evil commander. This is a guide to adulthood who will help overcome difficulties and give practical advice if necessary.
Personal opinion
Maria Arbatova, writer:
– I have two adult sons (the writer has twins. – Author). And this, I tell you, is a wonderful condition. Because all the time I feel tremendous security. For all questions. Pavel is a fashionable psychotherapist, Peter is the face of a large financial company.
Being a father, as well as a mother, of an adult girl (in our lack of sex education) is much more alarming. Personally, if I had daughters, starting from the 5th grade, I would send them to wrestling. My ex-second husband had three daughters. One of them did karate, the other did wushu. And these skills were very useful to them later. When a girl is beautiful, she should always be able to stand up for herself. More so than the boy.
