If you want to break off the relationship completely, but you have certain difficulties in understanding the situation with your partner, we advise you to use the information below.
Women, of course, ask psychologists the most questions about how to find and keep love. And, accordingly, the majority of articles and video trainings on the Internet are on this topic. But in fact, parting with a man is also a burning topic because, unfortunately, it happens that you realize that there can be no further development of the relationship or you no longer want it.
Of course, in such cases you want the separation to be as painless as possible. Today we have collected for you advice from experienced psychologists on when to think about breaking up, when and what to say and how to act.
What needs to be done before taking decisive action
Psychologists warn that the path to freedom will be difficult and thorny. The later a woman decides to leave her married lover forever, the more difficult it is to do so. Doubts play against improving your life, so you need to prepare in advance for a serious conversation. It is useful to think through the monologue, select compelling arguments and choose tactics. Love for the traitor should be replaced with self-respect and repeated daily as a mantra: “I can leave, I no longer need this relationship.”
You can answer calls less often, increasing the distance. It is important to listen to yourself when there is a missed call icon on your smartphone screen. If there is no former awe or joyful excitement, then it’s time to decide on the next step. Intimate relationships will also have to be minimized and then stopped altogether. The explanation should be simple: “I don’t want to.” There is no need to come up with excuses about menstrual periods or annoying migraines. A woman is not a rubber doll who is ready for sex on demand.
Usually at this stage they stop looking for a way to break off a long-term relationship, since he takes the initiative into his own hands and leaves.
Psychologists' opinion3
Below are the arguments of experts about how such relationships affect a woman and her psycho-emotional state.
Spoiler: very unfavorable.
- You realize that you are doing something wrong. You are well aware that you are destroying someone else’s family. Even if the “business fails,” you will think about it and feel guilty.
- Passion clouds your mind, but a glimmer of common sense tells you that this relationship is hopeless. You understand this. And you live in fear that your intuition will be right.
- You do not have an official relationship. At the same time, you do not feel free and deprive yourself of normal human relationships. You don’t go on dates, you don’t accept gifts from young people. Friends and family can't tell whether you have a partner or not. You refuse to introduce him, which causes fear and suspicion.
Your whole life is shrouded in a veil of secrets, lies and uncertainty.
If you are ready, we move on to active action.
Ways to break up with your lover
After assessing the gloomy prospects, it is necessary to determine how best to separate from a married person. A romantic relationship starts out nice and easy, but the finish line is very painful. You can put off an unpleasant conversation as long as you like, but time plays against youth and personal happiness. Psychologists have named the most popular and effective methods of separation.
Without explaning the reason
In some cases, an intimate conversation risks developing into a scandal with mutual accusations, so parting in English is suitable. It is necessary to completely ignore calls, SMS and emails. The disadvantage of this method is considered to be an increase in male activity, since the lover will probably demand an explanation. Due to simple ignorance, he will begin to look for his passion, so the conversation will still take place. There are many stories when a woman broke up completely, but with silence provoked another meeting.
READ
Why do men need mistresses: reasons for adultery
Phone conversation
Not every girl dares to tell the truth face to face for fear of offending her loved one. The problem of personal dialogue also lies in possible physical contact - the gentleman will try to hug, kiss or hold, and mobile communications will provide maximum protection. Before breaking up with a married man, you need to rehearse your speech. The voice should not tremble or show excitement; it is advisable to write down the arguments on a piece of paper and keep it before your eyes.
SMS or social networks
An even less painful and quick way is a short SMS or message on a social network. “I don’t love you”, “We need to break up”, “I’m in a relationship with another man” - and the reason is indicated, and there are no more reasons for new dates. Psychologically, it is easier to decide to send an email than to have a frank conversation. After sending the message, you can change your phone number, blacklist your ex, or simply ignore his replies.
Personally
An option for the most courageous women who have definitely decided to put an end to their relationship. They already know how to tell their lover about the breakup, they feel confident and will never back down. If your soul is still tormented by doubts, psychologists recommend using another method - the gentleman will certainly pick up on the hesitation. It can be explained that there is no longer a desire to waste time on an unfree admirer, I am tired of living in constant fear, and I am tired of uncertainty. Any counterarguments must be stopped and countered with compelling facts.
Through mutual friends
Friends or relatives who know the married admirer can “gracefully” intervene in the relationship. When choosing a way to break up painlessly and quickly, you should pay attention to this method. The gentleman is informed about the final feature of the romantic relationship; it is useless to extort details from acquaintances - they are only entrusted with the mission of a modern messenger. After the notification, the friend can calmly leave, leaving the lover alone with his own thoughts.
It is advisable to warn that the search for the former passion will not lead to anything, her decision is final and cannot be appealed.
Non-standard options
It's not easy to break up with a lover you love very much. Psychologists advise to soften the bitterness of loss with a final beautiful gesture. You can invite your gentleman to an expensive, prestigious restaurant by pre-booking a table for two. It is necessary to pay for dinner, emphasizing the independence and seriousness of what is happening. The woman no longer expects handouts from the master’s shoulder, does not need a patron, but is ready to thank her for a pleasant time spent. An ordinary cafe or fast food establishment will not do - in a prestigious restaurant a man will not risk shouting, making trouble and attracting attention to himself.
READ
Why your lover doesn’t give you gifts: the opinion and advice of a psychologist
How to get ready for a breakup: advice from psychologists
It is important to understand that there is no painless way; healing mental wounds will still take time.
A mistress who has decided to get rid of addiction must understand that another woman exists not only in a man’s stories. She is a very real person, forced to live in deception. Does the lover have a reason to be proud of such a relationship? Does she respect a man who leads a double life and does not spare the feelings of two women at once?
Many married men cite discord with their spouse, whose divorce is prevented by habit or common children. In all these excuses, the mistress sees the hope that one day her beloved will get divorced and will belong to her completely.
It is worth looking back at the experience of generations and understanding that a person who wants to get a divorce will get a divorce without excuses or delays. Words spoken in the heat of passion often turn out to be empty chatter.
The novelty of feelings and the opportunity to feel needed by both his wife and his mistress are what attracts a man to such a life. The decision to break up remains with the woman, since the lover is completely satisfied with the situation.
How to make your lover initiate the breakup
The opponent has a difficult fate - she must always be in full combat readiness, on parade and in a great mood. Common female tricks are used: delicious dishes, psychological support, acrobatic feats in bed and complete understanding.
If it’s hard to come up with a reason to break up with him, you can simply change:
- Let the lover see his passion as usual - without makeup, perfect hairstyle and depilation. As an exception, it is useful not to shower several times before a home meeting. A temporary break in self-care will speed up the separation.
- Stop playing the role of a freelance psychologist, ridiculing any complaints from a man. If you put your own problems and interests above, the gentleman is unlikely to like it.
- Down with conspiracy and spy games - you need to call your lover as often as possible. It's great if he's at an important conference, next to his wife or family friends. Let him get nervous and come up with excuses for them. Due to constant tension, he will run away on his own.
- It’s not difficult to figure out how to break up with your lover if you’re married yourself. We can say that the husband suspected something was wrong and began rummaging through his phone and monitoring his wife’s movements. Traitors cannot stand scandals and male squabbles, because this is how the information will reach the wife.
There are many ways to ruin a lover’s pleasant leisure time, since he is looking for peace and relaxation on the side. You can ask to fix a cabinet door, clear a clog in the sink, nail a nail - surely a lonely woman has something to do in the house other than sexual pleasures. After a sudden change of situation, he quickly gets ready to go home.
Prerequisites for saying goodbye
Relationships with a married adult man most often lead to failure and loss of time. When should you leave such a lover?
READ Ways to leave a guy beautifully and painlessly
There are several reasons that force women to do such an act:
- Loss of trust in a partner;
- Rudeness and humiliation;
- Lies about leaving your wife;
- Different views on life and goals;
- Psychological or physical violence;
- Lack of a shared future;
- Partner's addictions;
- Boredom, lack of feelings.
These are the main prerequisites that force women to leave men and begin to build a different life, in which everything will be different. Very often, after a woman breaks up with a married and beloved man, there remains a deep emotional connection between them, which can only be dealt with on a psychological level.
READ How to survive the pain of a breakup: advice and recommendations from psychologists
Behavior after a breakup
The fan had the opportunity to leave the family and create a new life, but he did not. You need to stop justifying it and not look back at the past months or years. It is necessary to completely erase your lover from your life - photos, gifts, even bed linen are sent to the trash. Pictures, messages, and his phone number are deleted from the smartphone, and it’s better to forget about social networks for a while.
Nothing should remind you of your former boyfriend. Psychologists recommend switching to areas of life for which you never have a free minute.
Pay attention to yourself
It is useful to join a fitness club or swimming pool. Physical activity relieves you of heavy thoughts and leaves you with less free time. You can go shopping, buy a new outfit or a beautiful accessory, visit a spa, get a fashionable haircut or completely change your image. Psychologists recommend pampering yourself with treats more often, but not eating sweets for emotional problems.
Thinking through a beautiful plan for a breakup, you can simultaneously look for a hobby for the free period. Cutting and sewing courses, knitting, embroidery, photography, drawing - among the many offers it is easy to find something for yourself. Creative activities help direct energy in a promising direction. Psychologists advise remembering what you once wanted to do and using the “rehabilitation period” to your advantage.
Go on a trip
After a breakup, a sudden change of environment will be beneficial. Vacationing in another city or country minimizes a chance meeting with a former beau. It is not necessary to go to a foreign resort; you can relax with relatives in the village. New experiences and a great mood will help you forget about problems for a while, calm down and dream about the future.
READ
What to do if you fall in love with a married girl: is there a future for the relationship?
Throw yourself into work
Relationships with a lover usually take up a lot of resources, so your career is relegated to the background. It's time to start moving up the career ladder, loading yourself up with work to capacity. Management will note the employee’s zeal, and a bonus could be a salary increase, a bonus, or a high position. Communication with colleagues and good work capacity will not leave the opportunity to be sad and yearning.
Avoid contact with your ex-lover
Even if a “accidentally” arranged meeting is not planned, fate may encounter a rejected gentleman. It is advisable to change your usual routes, temporarily leave the city or change your apartment. SIM card, accounts on social networks - all this changes in a matter of minutes. If the lover turned out to be persistent and started a real pursuit, then you can live with a friend or parents.
Drive away heavy thoughts
After a breakup, fantasies paint pictures of a happy future that will not happen due to the woman’s fault. Nice ladies tend to reproach themselves for the fact that their lover never left the family. You can’t shift problems from a sore head to a healthy one. Affairs rarely develop into family life if one of the partners is already married.
Heavy thoughts prevent you from concentrating on what is happening and deprive you of happy prospects.
Hold off on looking for a new relationship
“From the frying pan into the fire” - upset mistresses try to put this saying into practice after breaking up with their married man. A woman rushes in search of a new relationship, making dubious acquaintances and flirting recklessly. Emotionally and psychologically, the girl is not yet ready to create a strong union. She will inevitably compare the next gentleman with the former, and often not for the better. You need to understand the reasons for the difficult connection and find yourself so as not to repeat your own mistakes.
Chat with friends
Meetings with female friends and long-time friends will have a beneficial effect - they will definitely support and listen. It’s better to speak out your emotions rather than keep them to yourself, languishing in melancholy. In most cases, a secret relationship interferes with normal communication with friends, from whom you have to hide your married gentleman. You can arrange a bright photo shoot, go on a picnic, go to a movie premiere or to a cafe.
How to cope with sadness and loneliness
In foreign countries, it is customary to seek qualified help from a psychologist. You should consider this option if you cannot cope with your emotions on your own. Experts recommend not holding back feelings, not hiding anger and pain. You can break dishes, tear paper, throw pillows, go to the nearest football match and scream there to your heart's content. It is advisable to seek support from friends and talk through accumulated emotions in a conversation.
After parting with her lover, a woman is an empty vessel without internal support. She doesn’t understand where to move next, how to live and what to do. It is necessary to avoid harmful conversations on the topic “all men are theirs...”, the dialogue should be constructive. A productive scenario will be when a girl meets with a friend in a calm home environment. She will talk, cry, laugh at herself and at the ridiculous moments of the past relationship, perhaps even get drunk, but let go of the pain.
Mistakes that are important to avoid
The woman accepted the difficult situation that she would have to separate, despite the fact that she had feelings. She managed to voice a difficult decision for herself and went through a difficult period of breakup. At this stage, a fiery dance on a rake awaits her:
- Persuasion from the ex. Boys at any age find it difficult to give up their favorite toy, even if the relationship had to be carefully hidden. The very fact that he was abandoned hurts male pride. The return of the prodigal son usually follows the classic scenario: luxurious bouquets of roses, expensive gifts, vows of love and a promise to leave his disgusted wife. The ending of the story is sad: the lover will amuse his vanity, provide himself with free sex and put an end to the relationship, “restoring justice.”
- Conversations with my wife. Guilt is a wonderful quality, but it's best to keep it to yourself. Spouses are rarely stupid, so they often suspect their husband’s adventures. Mistresses dream of a happy future, and wives bury their heads in the sand, trying not to notice the obvious. They would prefer to discuss their family problems with their friends rather than with their rival. The spouse does not need apologies, repentance, excuses and wishes for happiness. If you want to lull your conscience, you can do charity work, visit an orphanage or a dog shelter.
- Farewell sex. It is impossible to think of anything more stupid, since intimate intimacy will not alleviate mental suffering. After a serious conversation about breaking up, bed should become a strict taboo.
- Return. Without the daily admiration of her lover, his moral and material support, a woman feels uncomfortable. This is not a reason to return to a married admirer. There were still no prospects for the relationship. It is better now to come to terms with the immutable truth.
- Revenge. Another mistake that psychologists call fatal. Yes, the man took away youth, years, strength and beauty. However, no one forced the mistress to agree to an affair. In the secret alliance, both were happy, so there is no serious reason for the vendetta.
A relationship with a married man can be ended at any stage, if desired. Different situations have their own characteristics and nuances, but every self-respecting woman is capable of taking a decisive step and breaking. There is no need to put life off until later and sacrifice yourself. The last goodbye always becomes a lucky lottery ticket.
Conversation5
- Choose a time and place that is convenient for both of you. It should be just the two of you. A quiet and cozy cafe, a park - choose the location at your discretion. Let this be neutral territory. You don't need to meet at his home or somewhere you feel uncomfortable.
If you don't know what reaction to expect from a man, choose a crowded place.
- Try to stay calm. Speak confidently and firmly.
- You can start the conversation with what doesn't suit you in your relationship. Emphasize that this format does not suit you, and you no longer agree to live as before.
- If a man tries to convince you, stand your ground. Don’t be fooled by his persuasion and oath promises to leave his wife. Especially if he has used this tactic before.
- Be firm in your intention. If you yourself are not sure that you really want to break up, you will not be able to convince a man of this. He will put pressure on you, you will break, and your relationship will continue.
- Don't answer his messages and calls. There is a high probability that he will promise you to leave his wife, put pressure on you to feel guilty, and use various manipulations. There is no turning back.
Did he leave his wife?
No?
Adios.
