Jealousy is exactly the same feeling as joy, fear or resentment. In general, all feelings can be compared to pain - sometimes it goes away on its own, but if the pain occurs again and again, you have to figure out why this is happening. Likewise, we cannot simply “undo” jealousy or “stop” being jealous. We have to find out the reasons.
Where does it come from? And is this feeling normal for friendships and love relationships? And if not, how to deal with it? We figured it out together with psychologist Maria Irguganova:
Why am I jealous?
Jealousy can be associated with distrust of yourself, your friend, loved one and other features in the relationship.
Moreover, this mistrust can be based both on real events and on the absence of reasons for jealousy. In the second case, we can say that a person experiencing jealousy has a special perception of reality. And if it seems to one that he does not give reasons for jealousy, then this does not at all negate the reality of the feeling that has arisen in the other. So the first step to overcoming jealousy is to focus your attention on yourself and try to understand what is happening to you and what events are causing your feelings.
How to confront your own suspicion
In situations where emotions and feelings are negative, it is important to take timely and effective measures to overcome them. Overcoming jealousy and mistrust is not so easy. It is important to take into account the interconnection of emotional states: if suspicion is overcome, the reason for jealousy will also disappear.
How to deal with mistrust? Psychologists suggest using simple tips.
- Reconsider your attitude towards the obligations of those around you. Think and highlight the list of obligations that your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse has towards you. List your obligations to these people. Analyze their equivalence. Suspicion often arises when excessive demands are placed on loved ones. A person is often unable to meet your expectations. This is impossible due to the physical, psychological or emotional characteristics of the individual. Inadequacy of requirements often leads to suspicion, although there are no objective grounds for this. In close people, such misunderstanding provokes jealousy, which leads to the destruction of relationships.
- Discuss the nature of the relationship with your partner. Set boundaries for acceptable behavior. When everything is transparent and open, there are much fewer reasons for mistrust.
- Accept people for who they are. Realize the independence and autonomy of every person, even those closest to you.
- Understand that your partner is not obligated and cannot always meet your expectations. It's your problem. Often they do not correspond to reality, they are inspired by imagination and fantasy.
- Concentrate on the best qualities of your loved ones, and be lenient about their shortcomings. Don't focus on other people's mistakes. Treat people positively.
- Focus on yourself, not other people. Develop and improve. Cultivate self-confidence, stress resistance, and independence.
- Adequately assess your capabilities. You are not able to change your personality, and most importantly, you do not have such a right.
- Accept difficult life situations and let them go. Accept - admit the existence of an event. Let go - forgive.
As you can see from the list of tips, it is difficult to overcome mistrust. Success requires long-term and painstaking work on oneself, relationships, and the nature of interaction with loved ones. It is important to remember that the prize for patience and perseverance will be victory over mistrust, and this will allow you to get rid of jealousy, which poisons life and destroys relationships with loved ones.
How else can you fight jealousy and mistrust? To solve this problem, it is worth eliminating the source of the development of anxiety states. As stated above, the causes of the sensory phenomena under consideration coincide. If you overcome the causes, the anxiety states will automatically disappear.
Self-Reflection Exercise
There is a psychotherapeutic technique that will help you cope with mistrust.
- The person is asked to remember cases when he did not trust close people. He must think about the reasons for mistrust of his loved one.
- The following questions must be answered sincerely. When did the feeling first arise? Remember the brightest moments of mistrust in life? Who were the suspicions directed at? How did you react to this condition? Is the feeling bothering you now? How would you change how you feel? List options that could change the situation?
- The answers will help determine the nature of mistrust. When answering, a person thinks about the origins of the problem and analyzes the situation. If the feeling in childhood was directed at the father and other men, in adulthood it is difficult to avoid mistrust of the husband or partner. Emotions that are directed at the mother indicate a lack of confidence in oneself. A clear focus of suspicion on a specific person (husband, boyfriend) also shows the presence of distrust in oneself. A person doubts himself, and he subconsciously transfers this feeling to his loved ones.
- After discussing the answers to the first group of statements, the person answers questions that are designed to determine the reason for the lack of trust in oneself and others. Did your parents forbid you to express your thoughts as a child? Did they say you couldn't be trusted? Do you have doubts due to lack of self-confidence? Is there a fear of making a mistake?
- The answers will allow you to determine the causes of the condition - fear, low self-esteem, past experience, etc.
- Knowledge of the underlying problem will allow you to clearly define countermeasures.
It is important to understand that the essence of the problem lies in you, and not in those around you. To get rid of jealousy and suspicion in relationships, you need to change yourself and your attitude towards others.
Work on yourself
- Admit there is a problem. Realize and accept its presence in yourself, no matter how unpleasant it is.
- Using psychotherapy and self-analysis, try to find out the origins of the problem.
- Talk to the person towards whom you feel mistrust and jealousy, admit to him that you have a problem. You need to speak without self-accusation. Calmly explain your feelings.
- Change your attitude. Avoid negative categories. Find positive aspects in your personality every day. The approach will normalize self-esteem.
- Concentrate on positive emotions and love. Look for the good in yourself and the people around you.
- Take all your free time with productive activities - work, sports, hobbies, active recreation, travel. A big problem with the emergence of negative emotions is idleness.
- Find a safe way to express negative emotions - talking with a close friend, journaling, sports.
Working on relationships
- Treat your loved ones without looking back to the past. Do not focus on suspicions that have no basis or evidence. Always evaluate events carefully.
- Drop the demands. Replace them with more streamlined shapes. Instead of “where were you” use “how was your day.”
- Stop being around all the time. Organize regular leisure time together, leaving enough time for personal matters. Love is not just about spending time together.
- When communicating, create positive emotions - declarations of love, kisses, hugs, jokes, flirting, etc.
Suspicion and jealousy are not insurmountable problems. If you take timely measures and use the recommendations, getting rid of negative feelings will not be a big problem.
What if everything happens again?
A person who experiences jealousy often does not believe that he is truly valuable to his partner. The reasons for such feelings may be related to past experiences and not directly related to the current friend or lover.
It is quite difficult to cope with such experiences, because there are polar feelings here: we want to trust a loved one, and at the same time, from our experience, we “know” that this is unreliable, that we can be deceived, and it will be painful.
In this case, it is more difficult to figure out the problem on your own. Therefore, step two is to discuss the problem with experienced adults, contact a school psychologist or psychotherapist.
They will certainly help you sort out the complex of your experiences, and then you can feel more confident in the relationship.
How to get rid of jealousy and be needed by a man?
Let’s say right away that we will not write about a magical solution to all problems that will work instantly. But there is a way out. You can work on yourself and your relationships “bit by bit.” What should you do to stop being jealous?
- Accept jealousy for what it is - destructive, dangerous. This is fear.
- Start taking care of yourself, your development, find hobbies and interests, develop as a woman, take care of your appearance and beauty. Don't value yourself? Then why should others value you?
Everything for the family? All in the family? Many women live this way. Is it beneficial for them? And for their families? No. You are used to it, and so is everyone around you. And it will be difficult. But we need to change.
Home is important. But if a woman is unhappy, will her husband be happy and will her children feel good? Start small. Little by little. You shouldn’t suddenly chop everything up and turn it upside down right away.
Find out for yourself what a man needs. What does he really need? Him, not you. It is a mistake to think that he wants the same thing as a woman. Male and female psychology are quite different.
Accept this difference in perception of the world ㅡ and you can positively influence your relationship with a man. At first it will seem like some kind of magic, but over time you will get used to it. You will understand what benefits you can get from this.
Who is guilty?
It happens, of course, that your loved one does things that make you jealous. Most likely, the reason here lies in different ideas about what is “permissible.” For example, a young man may think that a girl should not go to visit her friend for an overnight stay, but in the model of close relationships of the girl herself, this is quite natural.
You can try to resolve such situations by talking. Step three - talk to each other about it.
Tell your loved one about specific situations in which distrust of him or her arises, explain why you feel jealous. After such a conversation, it is likely that you can agree on how to continue communication further.
What is jealousy?i
Let's first understand what jealousy is. Jealousy is a feeling that arises in a person when he is afraid that a loved one may leave his life and go to another person, paying more attention to him. Historically, jealousy was one of the methods of natural selection.
It began to develop when society was still polygamous and became one of the steps towards monogamy. Couples and families began to appear, men began to devote more time to their children and their upbringing. Thus moving, so to speak, from quantity to quality.
Interesting fact: Men are more prone to jealousy than women. And one of the reasons for this is concern about whether he is raising his own child. After all, a man cannot tell a woman that this child is not hers, but she is completely his.
Is it even normal to be jealous?
It all depends on the intensity and frequency of jealousy. Sometimes jealousy can be very dangerous because one of its components is anger. A person who experiences jealousy, especially at a high intensity, may harm himself or others who he feels are connected to his suffering.
Therefore, if you or your loved one often loses their temper, and talking does not help, then it is better to take one more step - the two of you contact a specialist and discuss the problems with an experienced professional.
Advice from psychologists on how to start trusting your spouse
two main pieces of advice in this case.
:
- Talk to your husband
. Tell him about your concerns - this is the first option that should come to your mind. During such conversations, it often turns out that there was no need to be jealous. Perhaps he is trying to attract your attention, deliberately making you nervous. Sometimes a man simply has no idea what makes you uncomfortable and gives you disturbing thoughts. So be sure to talk to him; - Spend more time together.
Mistrust is a frequent guest in families where spouses are rarely around. For example, he is constantly on business trips or, due to his official duties, is constantly at work. It’s especially difficult when work involves various kinds of meetings, get-togethers, and banquets. Then the wife, realizing that he is now at another business lunch, where there are many pretty employees around, begins to worry. Try to explain this to your partner, he should devote more time to you and then the passions will subside.
There is one good Georgian proverb: “ Jealousy and stupidity are fruits of the same tree.”
" Even if there is a reason not to trust, it is stupid to be nervous. The problem is easy to solve one way or another.
How to learn to trust a person?
It is difficult to “learn” to trust, since trust is a process of a different nature, based on sensations, feelings, and experiences. The development of trust depends on the specific situation in which a person finds himself.
At some moments and in some ways we trust our loved one, but in other situations we don’t, and that’s normal. The fact is that our psyche scans everything that happens, then compares the information received with our inner reality and experience, and as a result, a certain reaction of trust or distrust arises.
The uniqueness of the situation, each person and his relationships with other people are so individual that only general advice can be given on solving problems associated with mistrust. The main thing is to learn to talk to your loved one directly about how you feel and what worries you.
Good advice
- If you cannot forgive betrayal, end the relationship, especially if there are children in the family. They don’t need to hear systematic proceedings and attempts to “glue the vase together”;
- stay busy, then you will have no time to think about your husband’s potential betrayal (work, gym, hobby);
- raise your self-esteem! Take out the dusty awards and diplomas and hang them in a visible place. Place stickers around the apartment with the inscriptions “I am a happy wife”, “successful person”, etc.;
- conduct relaxation sessions (bath with herbs, beauty treatments) - everything that makes you feel beautiful;
- stop nagging your husband and blaming him for universal cataclysms. This will not end well, but the level of vital energy will noticeably decrease;
- Live life to the fullest without dwelling on potential dangers! Go to meetings with friends, to theaters and cinema. No matter how many years you have been married, strive to be an interesting conversationalist, a caring wife and a realist! Leave your imagination for the TV series!
That's it!
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See you on the blog, bye-bye! :)
