How to get your ex-wife away from her husband: advice from a psychologist

They say there are no ex-wives. This is partly true, because once upon a time your man spoke words of love and vows of fidelity to another woman. He slept with her, ate at the same table, made plans. Perhaps he managed to “give birth” to children. In any case, they are connected by a common past that cannot be crossed out, carved out, or erased.

When marrying a man with a history, just in case, you need to be prepared that his former passion, one way or another, will periodically invade your life with your spouse. By accident or on purpose. The likelihood increases dramatically if she has children with your loved one. And if this happens or has already happened, you will definitely think about how to get your ex-wife away from her husband. This is what this article will discuss.

What does his ex-wife want?

Before deciding on a strategy of behavior, you need to understand what motivates your opponent. Yes, a rival. After all, you perceive her this way if, to put it mildly, you are not satisfied with this state of affairs - her visible or invisible presence in your life? You worry, are jealous, get irritated when she calls him on his mobile, asks for something, offers to go out with the children, etc.

Situations are different, and each of them requires its own solution:

she dreams of returning him. This happens - I got divorced, had a walk, realized that I had made a mistake and wanted to correct it, to revive my marriage. In this case, there is only one advice - complete ignorance on the part of the spouse. And with yours too. No exhortations, scandals or persuasions to leave you alone. The contact will continue as long as you and/or your man respond. Even negative. If you don't add wood to the fire, it will die out over time. It's the same here;
she has to communicate with your husband because of their common child. There's nothing to be done about it. Children are sacred and there is no need to prevent them from communicating with their father (imagine yourself in the place of these children or a single woman with children). Moreover, by insisting on breaking the parent-child relationship, you risk ruining your relationship with your spouse. If he is an honest, fair person, a loving and caring father, he will never abandon his offspring. And if he leaves, then think about the fact that he can do the same to you and your children. In this case, to reassure yourself, you can do the following: take the initiative and invite his children to visit you, go to meetings with them together with your husband. Thus, you broadcast it to your former family: “I am, I am always there, I am also a part of your life”;
you took your spouse away from the family, and now your ex-wife does not allow you to live in peace. In this version, she may be driven by the pain of betrayal, rejected feelings, and she simply wants to rehabilitate her injured pride - to return her husband and wipe your nose. Here the solution is the same as in the first case - complete ignore. And iron patience;
the last option is the most difficult. This is when the ex-wife still loves your spouse and has a child (children) with him. The situation is stalemate - children cannot be deprived of their father, and it is terrible to lose a husband.

Particularly arrogant and unprincipled women begin to manipulate their father's feelings - to dictate their terms, threatening to deprive them of communication with their children. Here, it is important for the former father of the family to demonstrate a firm position and not be fooled by provocations and ultimatums. In the best case, the ex will get tired of fighting and allow you to see your offspring, without demanding anything in return. In the worst case, your spouse will not see the children, you will have to wait until they grow up and resume communication themselves.

The wife left with the children. What to do?

In general, the situation with a divorce when there are children should be considered in the same way as a return in any other relationship. You can return it. And children in this case are an additional advantage. Just don’t tell her directly or even hint that no one will need her “with a trailer” - this is quite insulting and sounds like the words of an offended person. She must understand this herself.

Children are something that connects you, not serve as a tool for struggle.

They cannot be used as a tool. In the process of returning an ex-girlfriend or wife, a man who has achieved success in the first stages begins to communicate with his beloved again. And at this moment (if everything is fine), the girl has no negativity, and only positive memories pop up in her head. Everywhere she looks, everything reminds her of him. And in the eyes of her children she sees her husband, remembers how they played and spent time together - everyone was happy. This cannot be manipulated, but it is a powerful argument for restoring the relationship.

You must live separately . Of course, if she left with the child for another, this has already happened. But there are situations when a husband and wife separate, but continue to live under the same roof. This is a real cruelty, and the relationship cannot be restored this way. If she has nowhere to go, then go yourself. You are a man, and you have to find ways to earn as much as you need - your family is at stake.
Don't interrupt communication with your wife . Yes, in other cases, they most often advise complete ignorance, during which you need to work hard on yourself. But here the situation is different - she left with the children, and you can’t not see them.
Chat like friends . Completely exclude flirting and any hints. You broke up, you want to be a good father and you are not going to return her, because divorce is her choice.
No conversations or showdowns . Your relationship is taboo. Politely avoid any conversations about you, mutual claims and debriefings. Any negativity should disappear. Return action is still a long way off.
Work on yourself . Start earning more (she will certainly notice this), develop comprehensively - read, study, take courses. Find new hobbies, make your life richer. Go to the gym and regain your physical youth.
Take part in raising children . Your divorce does not change anything - you do not stop being the father of your children and have every right to take care of them. Children, even if they are small, are not as stupid as you might think. They understand everything, and some things can be explained. And if they are already teenagers, then divorce does not change anything. Today there are a lot of opportunities to always be in contact. Do not give money for children directly to your wife (if it is not alimony) - buy and pay for everything you need yourself.

If a wife and child left for someone else, this is bad, but not fatal. A woman, other things being equal, will always choose the father of her children, and becoming better than another man is not just possible - it is your responsibility. What you definitely don’t need to do is enter into conflict with him.

Conversation with your spouse

You cannot remain silent about your feelings. Your tension will definitely affect the family atmosphere. Be sure to talk to your spouse about this:

Share your feelings about the current situation. Be honest about your concerns and worries. That you don’t like his communication with his ex. And if they are not connected by offspring, then it makes sense to demand that the husband stop this contact. There are no children, no mutual obligations - why maintain this connection? An adequate, loving man will make a choice in your favor.
Discuss a plan that will help you get rid of your ex's unwanted intrusions. For example, agree that your husband will not answer her calls after 21.00. He won’t run to her help every time she asks, and won’t solve her personal problems. Clearly specify the schedule according to which the spouse will meet with the children, how much alimony to pay, etc.
If there are heirs left in that family, then agree with your husband to act together: you need to take a walk with the children - you walk together, help your ex-wife repair furniture - you go to her together, take it, bring it, buy it, give it to you - you do everything together. If your ex has any plans for your partner, she will soon give up any attempts to seduce him due to the lack of such an opportunity.

Causes

Family life is based on the desires, ambitions and interaction of two people. In most cases, both are to blame for the breakup. There are the most common reasons why a woman is ready to take her children and leave her home.

The power of the husband. If a man tries to subjugate his wife’s life, controlling her every step, sooner or later everything will end in flight. How quickly the relationship breaks down depends on the character of the wife. Quiet, downtrodden girls, who, out of fear of loneliness or due to upbringing, succumb to addiction, are ready to put their interests, careers and all of themselves at the feet of a not always loving, but very domineering husband. In his face she wants to see protection, love, an established life. For this, a woman is ready to do anything. Often her dream turns into a duty, and her closed world into a prison.
Spouse's addictions. This is a pathological case. Where there is alcohol or drug addiction there cannot be a normal family. There are no women who like to look at a man who drinks and sinks every day and see his powerlessness. Unless, of course, she's doing the same thing. The morning “amber” doesn’t add any points to it either. Alcohol or drug abuse leads to:
lack of livelihood;
domestic violence.

These arguments can break even strong relationships. After futile attempts to restore the former harmony, the woman will leave her husband and take the children. He can only blame himself for this.

Domestic violence often stems from the first two factors. What makes a man beat his wife and children or harass them mentally?
lack of self-sufficiency;
the desire to establish itself at the expense of the weaker.

Can a woman live with such a man? Perhaps at first, yes. She will have hope that things will change soon. But this cannot continue for long. Sooner or later, the instinct of self-preservation and preservation of offspring will give its result. The family will be destroyed.

Constant betrayals. Many men consider themselves polygamous creatures. Their significant other probably doesn't like it. Arguments such as fear for the health of children and financial costs beyond the interests of the family will make a sensible woman think about what to do next. In some cases, the wife is ready to tolerate her husband’s infidelity if he is a caring father and provides well for her and the children. This happens to couples who have lived together for a long period. At first, the wife painfully endures her partner’s new romances, but, having made sure that he does not want to leave the family, she gets used to it and does not pay attention to them. The man continues to behave the same way. This happens until another person appears in her life.
New feelings. Women are less likely to be able to break off family relationships due to inflamed passions. This happens when a marriage was built on respect, affection, or if the husband managed to annoy him well. Great love can break old relationships built without fire. In the case when the new chosen one really loves a woman and finds an approach to her and her children, the chances of breaking up the marriage rapidly increase.
Sexual incompatibility. If in youth the sexual needs of a couple coincided, in adulthood, under the influence of hormonal changes, appetites can differ greatly. The woman makes her husband hear herself, and he waves him off in response. At this moment, a partner who turns up and is ready to satisfy the desire and get married can solve the problem not in favor of marriage.
Irresponsibility. There is a category of men who remain boys even at 50. They are accustomed to putting their interests and every minute desires above the interests of the family. If a woman is afraid to leave her baby with her husband, who sees no one but himself, a breakup is inevitable. The wife is looking for support in a man. She doesn't need another child. One day, she gets tired of it, and her wife and children leave home.

How to talk to your ex

It was already stated above that the best way out of a situation where your ex haunts you is to ignore her. But in order not to leave her in the dark, alone with her fantasies, it’s worth talking to her once to dot the i’s. Who should do this and how:

Ideally, this problem should be solved by the husband. After all, he created her (his wife), and it’s up to him to “sort out.” It is necessary to clearly explain your position to your ex-wife, leaving no chance for family reunification. Sometimes men are afraid of offending or hurting a woman and make ambiguous messages - they don’t say yes or no. They don’t understand that by feeling sorry for the ex (and if she is also the mother of his children!), they are thus giving her hope. And then they wonder why she is trying so hard to get into a new life.
You can talk to her yourself. Calmly. No aggression. No matter how she behaves, remember that in any case she is driven by painful feelings. Calmly explain that now you have your own life and there is no place for strangers in it.
Seek help from relatives. For example, to my husband's parents. If they remained on good terms with their ex-daughter-in-law, then perhaps they will be able to convey to her the essence of the situation.

When your ex behaves inappropriately - she makes threats, writes offensive text messages, punctures the tires on her car, you should file a complaint with the police. In this case, there is no need to sort things out on your own, since such an attempt will only provoke the aggressor and provoke new attacks on her part. It is also quite dangerous: no one knows what is on her mind and how it all might end.

If you and your husband go to events where you often meet his ex, be sure to show her how good you are together. Even if at this moment you are quarreling, you are not in the mood or you got up on the wrong foot. If you have a plan, then it's worth sticking to it, no matter what. She must see that you are immensely happy, and therefore she has no chance.

Typical mistakes of men during a divorce from their wife

Mistakes when breaking up

Communication with ex-wife

Rule: do not write, do not call, do not seek meetings. If you have a child, then resolve the issue of visits. Everything else is superfluous. If you want to forget this marriage faster, completely stop communicating with your spouse, if possible. It will be difficult, but healing will come faster.

You should create a kind of information vacuum. How it's done? You are not looking for any contact with the woman who has become the past. Also, you don’t look for her on social networks, don’t look at her photos, don’t analyze her posts. Don’t try to find out anything about her from mutual friends - they’ll tell her and you’ll look pathetic. Let your emotions weaken, rid yourself of informational influence. Move on to other things. The task is difficult to complete and failures are possible.

Alcoholic drinks

When trying to switch, make the right choice. Losing yourself in a drunken or drug-induced stupor is a huge mistake, a path to self-destruction. At first, bad habits work. But would a worthy man choose such a path? Or do you want your ex to make sure that you are unworthy of her? This method can be used once or twice with friends - you speak out and start a new life. Becoming an alcoholic is not necessary.

Participation of outsiders

Don't drag other people into your problems. Leave your complaints and experiences for your personal diary. A particularly utopian path: telling how terrible the former chosen one is, trying to rise above her background. Why is this? You are a man, not a gossip. It is enough to speak out to those closest to you, if otherwise it is impossible to pull yourself together. The rest are unlikely to be interested in your problems. The pain of parting will dull, but you will remain a sufferer in the eyes of your friends.

Talking about your ex-wife in a negative way

Resentment and anger are destructive feelings. What are they leading to? To unnecessary words and actions. Many men humiliate themselves by insulting their previous choice - their ex-wife. What can you say about a person who says disgusting things about someone with whom there were many happy, unforgettable days, with whom there was a common life and bed?

Your revelations will humiliate your former lover, but you will be humiliated no less. Usually people are annoyed by such complaints and cause internal negativity not towards the subject of discussion, but towards the person discussing.

Jump into a new relationship immediately

A typical mistake of women and men. Deal with the past - look for the future. Reason for looking for a new relationship? Revenge of the ex. A fleeting desire that later causes regret. Fake relationships are acquired, occupying a major milestone in life, leading to new stress.

Casual sex is distracting at first and increases self-esteem. It is important to stop in time - before the moment when new faces cause boredom and devastation. Casual relationships occur with easily accessible individuals. Why bring a string of unworthy women into life? It's better to sleep alone than with such ladies. Take a break from the opposite sex, take care of yourself: appearance, self-development.

Self-flagellation

Destructive feeling. It's normal to feel guilty. You take responsibility for yourself - commendable for a man. Relationships are the work of two people, responsibility is shared. Be honest with yourself, analyze what happened. What contribution did you make to the divorce? What is she to blame? A thorough analysis will provide the answers. If you are truly at fault, apologize sincerely. Self-flagellation is unnecessary.