Finding out that your husband has a mistress means deep stress, pain and suffering. Thousands of women fall into this notorious love triangle. But it’s probably even more difficult to decide what to do next. Should I forgive my husband and fight for my family or get a divorce and try to forget everything like a bad dream? What to do if a man does not want to part with his mistress? Let's try to understand this difficult life issue.
A man won’t break up with his mistress, what should I do?
First, ask yourself a few basic questions. What do you think about it? Do you feel like you can tell what's going on? Try to identify a few real facts for yourself.
- A man does not break up with his mistress, but he does not leave you either. This would upset and humiliate any woman. Despite the fact that he was caught cheating, the man sees no reason for anything to change for him. It doesn’t matter that he says that he doesn’t want to destroy the family union. This is just a way to calm you down so that you remain silent and cook dinner while he has fun with his mistress. Obviously, he feels entitled to both of you, without remorse.
- He doesn't care what you think or feel, that's obvious. He throws you aside while he has fun with his mistress. Is this what you want? You take care of the house and raise children, your heart breaks with pain, while he benefits from having two women at his disposal? settled down well, didn't it? How does this work for you? If your husband cared at all what you thought, or had any remorse for what he did, he would leave his lady without a second thought.
- The husband dictates terms to you under the pretext that he wants to keep the family heart intact, you agree with his infidelity and, perhaps, support it, justifying it by the fact that all men are the same. This is not a marriage. Relationships require two, and marriage is the most committed relationship two people not related by blood can have. He made it clear that only his desires and feelings are a priority for him.
Looking at these facts, it is obvious that the husband is in control of the situation. Unlike most cheating spouses, he has no regrets and doesn't care about making sure you and the family don't get hurt. If that were the case, he would have ended his affair. Then you could try to save the relationship and marriage. But now you cannot do anything personally because you are not part of the marriage union.
Rules of conduct after a breakup
Breaking up is not a reason to become despondent, feel sorry for yourself and give up. Don't put off your life for later. Take the last “Goodbye” as a burning ticket to a bright future. Move forward boldly! Here are some tips from a psychologist on how to break up with a married man:
- Feel the taste of freedom. Allow yourself what your chosen one did not approve of before or for which there was not enough time. Organize a bachelorette party, watch all the episodes of a TV show with your favorite host, spend the weekend with your mother.
- Take a break. Surely a colleague from the next department cannot take his admiring eyes off you. Don't rush into an active search. It is naive to expect that the new Romeo will lick your wounds. You have to stand up on your own. You will definitely succeed. Just not right away.
- Take care of yourself. Amazing meetings and beautiful novels await you. You need to be fully prepared. Pamper yourself with a set of decent cosmetics and a total wardrobe update. Get rid of traces of stress in your body. Yoga classes, coloring books for adults, spa treatments, and bead embroidery will perfectly relieve excess stress.
- Give up common habits. Are you used to drinking coffee with cream in the kitchen with your ex-beau? Boring! Brew yourself some aromatic green tea with ginger. By the way, the balcony is a great place for tasting.
- Don't live in the past. It's pointless to indulge in memories of how good it was for you two. It's important that you feel good now. Put aside the photos together for a while, give the owner a pair of forgotten socks, hide his gifts in the closet. Spend your precious time sparingly – it’s truly a shame to waste it to tears. Start looking for people and experiences that will give you a feeling of true harmony with yourself and the world around you.
How to behave as a wife
Since your man does not want to part with his mistress, caring only about his own needs, then you need to think about yourself. Understand that people don't change unless they pay the consequences of their actions. You need to move on. You must live your life regardless of whether you stay with this man and his mistresses or get divorced. The most difficult thing to deal with is the situation. Try to heed the following tips:
- do not pursue your mistress and your husband, do not ask, do not beg, do not humiliate yourself;
- do not call often;
- do not remember the good moments of marriage, trying to push for pity;
- do not encourage or initiate conversations about the future;
- don't ask for promises;
- do not buy or give gifts;
- Don't set dates together;
- Don't say: "I love you!"
Show your husband your indifference. Act as if you are continuing to live your life and you will begin to live your life!
- Be cheerful, strong, sociable and independent.
- Don't sit around waiting for your spouse - stay busy, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay idle!
- If you have a habit of asking your spouse about his whereabouts, break the habit. Appear completely uninterested.
- Don't be mean or even cold, just be yourself. Your spouse will notice this. More importantly, he will notice that he has distanced himself from the problem.
- No matter how you feel today, show your spouse happiness and contentment. You are not a capricious, needy, pathetic person, but a confident woman.
All questions about marriage should be put aside until the man wants to talk about it.
Why do people lie
Many wives make the mistake of thinking that this other woman is younger, prettier and sexier. This rarely happens. The truth is, husbands cheat because they lack something inside. In fact, it has very little to do with you—and usually even less to do with her.
At some point in time, the lover was somehow able to evoke the emotions he was looking for. Often the rival makes him feel valuable, alive, attractive, and shows herself to be brilliant, mysterious and irresistible. But this may take a long time.
It is rare that a relationship between a man and his mistress turns into a long-term one; in the vast majority of cases, this woman is just a bump in the road, annoying and destructive, but short-lived.
Conversation with my husband
Don't let yourself lose your temper. Don't shout, don't show character! Control yourself. Don't be too enthusiastic.
Don't argue when he tells you how he feels. Anything more calm will only infuriate a man. Be patient and learn to listen carefully to what your spouse tells you.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh and focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong and confident. Don't be overtly desperate or needy, even if you're hurting more than ever.
Don't focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! Moreover, nowadays your husband simply doesn’t care what you think or feel!
Don't believe anything you hear him say. Your spouse will speak absolutely negatively, and do so in the harshest tones imaginable. A man’s goal is to justify himself and his behavior, even if this means blaming you.
The first stage is denial, the second is anger.
When in denial, the partner does not believe that he was able to lose his mistress, or rather, that this event is irreparable. Plans are still being made in his head to spend time together, and there is a glimmer of hope that this is just another quarrel, after which reconciliation will come.
Anger comes after realizing that the relationship is no longer there. Under the influence of anger, the behavior of a stronger half is not always predictable: emotions can manifest themselves openly, or they can rage inside and be invisible to others.
This stage is characterized by hidden accusations of the friend for her passivity, anger for the fact that she could not prevent his departure. Then the accusations fall on himself. Often the spouse can also be a victim. Especially if she is aware of what happened and the couple had a conversation on this topic. Often, a husband can harbor a grudge and mentally wage a “cold war” with his wife, or openly declare his indignation, finding fault with every little thing.
Should you get a divorce?
Since you obviously agree with your husband's demands at this time, there are several possibilities why you would do this. Most likely, this is not the first or tenth time that a man lays down the laws and you agree to his wishes. Think about how long you are willing to tolerate such an attitude? If a conversation with your spouse does not lead to anything, he is not going to change anything in his life, isn’t it time for you to decide to make these changes? Don’t try to maintain the apparent illusion of family happiness, which is not good for anyone.
What to do if there are children in the family?
You only have two options. You can continue to be willingly harassed and accept that you and the marriage are simply convenient for your husband, or you can stand up for yourself, refuse the harassment, and end the marriage. Neither option is painless, but if the future depends on it, why not try?
If you have children, think very carefully about whether you want to continue forcing them to tolerate this type of parenting behavior. Divorce can be difficult for children, but not so difficult that it is unsurvivable. It is a misconception that children need both parents, regardless of whether the family is prosperous or not. Do not deceive yourself if your husband insults you with his infidelities.
This is insulting to you and your children. If you decide to stay together for the sake of the children, there is a chance that they themselves will grow up to become cheaters, humiliate their partners and will not be able to build healthy family relationships. The result will be a vicious circle. Before dooming your children to such a life, think seriously about the state of affairs.
Main mistakes
This is where passions begin: I love both my wife and my girlfriend; who to love, who to forget? If a man is given tough conditions, the spouse often wins. But does it really win? When there are feelings and when they are forbidden, it is not so easy to let go. In the end, the stronger halves either return to their former lovers, or play indifference in front of their wife, continuing to check their email, phone and social networks, in the hope that the ex will call to her.
Observant wives, seeing what is happening, ask a hitherto unresolved question: how to help her husband forget his ex-girlfriend? And the first thing that comes to mind is: does he need it himself? After all, cases of a man’s double life are all too common. And judging by the examples, few people sincerely want to give up one and completely immerse themselves in another.
Judging by the same examples, it seems that only women think about the problem of choosing their spouse. Many people push, push, set conditions and ultimately decide for themselves. I would like to ask this type of beautiful person: if you win your chosen one in this way, what kind of life awaits you in the future? That's right - none. And why? Because you broke up with your ex-lover, but not him.
When to help
Help in this matter is needed only when a man:
- I made the final choice myself.
- I myself am deeply convinced that I need to forget my mistress (the decision did not come thanks to requests, entreaties and advice on your part).
- Determined to start our life together again.
How to leave your husband
Of course, you can ensure that your husband makes a choice between his mistress and you. But this is a choice for him, and he could just as easily choose a mistress rather than a wife. In addition, it is not so difficult for men to part with their mistresses if they are not connected by feelings. But the place of the current mistress will be replaced by another, and then a third. As already mentioned, such people do not change.
Your husband doesn't care about you, your marriage, or your children, but he is comfortable maintaining the appearance of a happy family union. It was you who found yourself in a disadvantageous position, and got there through the direct action of your husband. Where can I get help?
- Divorce is neither easy nor difficult, especially when infidelity and emotional abuse are involved. You are not alone, unfortunately these sorts of things happen, but there are all kinds of support groups and therapy to help cope with acute and long-term pain.
- Friends and family can also help you cope and get through this difficult time.
- If you feel that you cannot cope with a divorce, contact a lawyer. Your only chance for justice is with a lawyer who has no emotional ties to your husband.
You are in a difficult situation, but if you leave, things will get better with time. If you don't leave now, this will continue forever. Remember that you have the right to a happy life, the right to be loved and appreciated. And this right is a matter of your own choice.
