Losing a family member or a close friend are events that people are usually unprepared for. And we, of course, do not think through in advance how we will convey this sad news to our children. The life hacker collected advice from child psychologists on how to build a conversation with a child in this difficult situation, and asked Tatyana Riber to comment on them.
Tatiana Riber
Psychologist, specialist in harmonious emotional education of children, author of seminars for parents, co-author of the book “Territory of Truth. No parents allowed!”
Why is it so difficult for us to talk to children about death?
On the one hand, when mentioning someone else's death, we are faced with such a topic as the inevitability of our own. We are afraid that the conversation will turn to the fact that one day we will also die and leave our child alone. “Will mom and dad die too?” - the children ask with fear, since death gives them an incomprehensible feeling of longing for a person whom they will never see again. Children may also be concerned that they, too, are mortal. This idea may be quite shocking to some guys.
The child is worried that he might be left alone, that all the adults might die. And this is rather a question of safety.
Tatiana Riber
On the other hand, we unconsciously identify ourselves with our children: we project our emotions onto them, wondering how we would feel at their age. It all depends on how we ourselves, when we were little, first lost a loved one.
If you experienced divorce or death as a child and your parents were so wrapped up in their own grief that they left you alone with your grief, you will have more difficulty dealing with the same situation with your children because you will tend to project your own suffering onto them.
Finally, we fear that talking about death can harm the fragile child’s psyche: cause fears and traumatize. And this can really happen. Therefore, it is better not to try to get ahead of the child’s thoughts and tell him what you think is necessary, but to calmly and tactfully answer his questions.
If adults themselves do not have a fear of death, then communication with their own child on this topic goes smoothly.
Tatiana Riber
There has been grief in the family: what to do?
If a tragedy has occurred in the family and you need to tell the child about the death of the mother, father or other close relative, this should be done by someone with whom the child has a trusting relationship.
- Don't pretend that nothing happened , even with good intentions. Children feel emotions without words, and if the baby feels tension and is not told anything, it scares him: what if he did something bad?
- Don't come up with explanations why all family members look confused or cry sobbing. Everything in the house has changed: no one laughs, for some reason they covered the mirrors in the apartment with towels, one of the family members is constantly crying into the phone. Tell the truth. Dad didn't go on a long business trip, or grandma isn't at home, not because she went on a trip around the world. If you cannot tell it like it is now, you will deprive your child of memories to cope with the loss later. Even if he is still small, in years to come he will still realize what happened and will be able to grieve.
- Establish contact with the child, catch his eye. Be calm and look him in the eyes, hold his hand. Perhaps he will remember this moment many more times, and he should feel trust and support.
- Don't take your child by surprise. Choose a convenient moment to talk when the baby is well-fed, sleepy, and in a good mood, but do not talk to him in his room. He doesn’t need to hear things like that in his nursery. Control yourself. Do not fall into hysterics and sobs, surrendering to your grief, think about the child: you are an adult, and in front of you is a defenseless child who is left without a person close to him. The child does not know what kind of life awaits him. Which one of you has it harder?
- Speak clearly and understandably. There is no need to complicate the conversation with phrases like: “You see, trouble happened, your grandfather passed away untimely.” Speak clearly: “There has been grief in the family. Grandfather died." Pause and then repeat: “Your beloved grandfather has died.”
- You must support and reassure your baby. His reaction is unpredictable: he may ask again, run away, cry, start screaming or get scared. If the child wants to be alone, let him, come to him later. Maybe he won’t react at all, or suddenly invites you to play - this is normal, he’s in a state of shock. Even some adults in a shock situation behave strangely or as if nothing happened. The body tries to protect itself from stress.
- Do not put your child in a “vacuum”, protecting him from any information that reminds him of death. On the contrary, talk to him if he asks. It will be unnecessary to overload the child’s brain with details about heaven and hell, about God’s will, otherwise the child may hate God for taking away his loved one. An explanation is enough for him that dad (mom, grandmother, grandfather) has turned into an invisible angel, will now watch him from the clouds, and sometimes can come in a dream.
- Give confidence in the future , that everything will continue to happen the same as before. Follow the regime, attend classes if the child goes somewhere. Continue to take him to kindergarten - he does not need to watch the sobs and groans of family members around the clock. If your child begins to be afraid of the dark or falls asleep alone, stay with him until he falls asleep. If things are really bad, then take him to your place for the night, but only as an exception, otherwise he will get used to sleeping with you.
How to help your child understand death
Between the ages of 3 and 5, children have a very limited understanding of death. Although they know that a dead person's heart no longer beats and that he can neither hear nor speak, they find it difficult to understand that death is final. They think that this is reversible, that grandma will come to them tomorrow.
To help them understand what death is, be sure to say: when a person dies, it is forever, he will not return. To ease the sadness of parting, tell your child that he can always remember the good moments spent with a deceased loved one.
Help your child understand that death is part of the natural cycle of life. You can start with examples that are less emotional (eg trees, butterflies, birds), patiently explaining that everyone's lifespan is different.
Also tell them that sometimes living beings become so seriously ill that they cannot remain alive. However, insist that people and animals can, in most cases, recover and live to a ripe old age.
Children encounter death quite early. Usually before adults realize it, or when the latter has the idea to talk about death. Children see dead birds and animals on the road. At such moments, parents close the baby’s eyes and tell him not to look. But before, death and childbirth were perceived as the most natural processes.
Tatiana Riber
When explaining the concept of death, avoid using words such as “sleep” and “gone.” If you tell your child that grandpa fell asleep, the child may begin to be afraid of sleep for fear of dying. It's the same if you tell him that grandpa left. The child will wait for his return and worry when other family members get ready for a real trip.
Don't tell your child that his grandmother died simply because she was sick - he may think that she caught a common cold. He may develop a fear of death, even if he simply catches a cold or one of his relatives starts coughing. Tell him the truth using simple words: “Grandma had cancer. This is a very serious disease. Sometimes people manage to recover, but not always.” Convince your child that death is not contagious.
Things and processes must be called by their proper names, since children perceive information coming from their parents in the literal sense. And the younger the child, the more careful parents need to be with innocent jokes and words that can be interpreted in different ways.
Tatiana Riber
Why do people have to die?
Children ask questions about death at the most inopportune moments, and it is difficult to prepare for them. Even if adults have gone over the answers in their heads many times, at that very time they can fall into a stupor and hesitate. Incomprehensible excuses and postponing the conversation “for later” are associated with the personal fears of parents, and this is not surprising: few people want to think about death in their free time and talk about this topic.
Children are simpler; they ask a question and want to hear a specific answer to it. Therefore, it would be inappropriate to invent stories about people falling asleep for a long time or leaving somewhere, because this is not true. Decide for yourself what you believe in and share it with your child.
“Yes, all people die someday. Like all living things on the planet, people have their own life span. We are all born small at first, then we grow, learn, mature, start our own families, give birth to children, and then we no longer grow, but grow old. And when we become completely decrepit old people and it’s even difficult for us to move, we will die. But inside our body lives a soul. This is how we feel love for our loved ones, and the soul never dies. Only the body dies because it is worn out and old.” You may have your own version, the main thing is that you can explain it to your child in understandable words.
This may be enough to avoid returning to this topic for a long time. But then the child may ask why some people die young and not old, as you said. This question is more complicated, and you can say that we all live in a world where there are many dangers, you can get sick or get hit by a car, and no matter how much we would like to live to old age, sometimes disaster happens. But an illness or accident does not necessarily end in death; this rarely happens.
How to help your child cope with the loss of a loved one
It all depends on who died, under what circumstances and at what age the child is. But in any case, the emotional state of the parents is an important factor that largely influences the child’s reaction. Hug him, caress him, tell him why you are upset.
You have the right to express sadness and mourn your loss. This will help the child understand that he too can show his emotions.
If you're feeling down, take care of yourself first. This will also become the right example for the child and allow him to realize: if you feel bad, you should be attentive to yourself. In addition, this will teach him to ask for help in difficult times.
Mothers, even more than fathers, tend to believe that they have to carry this emotional burden on their own, manage everything and always look good. But this is impossible. If you are worried too much, you can and should accept help. Ask your spouse, friends, relatives about it.
Moreover, at such moments the child sometimes asks questions that can cause you even more pain. He does this not out of sadistic motives, but because he instantly grasps the parent’s mood. This can be very difficult, so such questions should be answered by a person who is less susceptible to anxiety.
You don't have to follow the rules that you think exist in society. Some say that the child needs to be told and shown everything. It really should be left up to the parents' discretion. You must be confident in what you are doing and trust your intuition.
Sometimes, on the contrary, hiding certain things from a child may be the wrong step. If you lie about the reason for your bad mood, he will not be able to understand why you are experiencing these emotions and will begin to fantasize about things that would never have occurred to you. He may, for example, feel guilty for your upset or begin to fear that there is a conflict between his parents and they are going to get a divorce.
Death is always an emotionally intense event. It should not be hidden from the child, but try to protect him from severe shocks.
If a child is afraid of the death of a loved one
It happens that, having once talked about the possible death of his mother or father, the child cannot let go of this topic and is seriously worried, returning to it again and again. Particularly suspicious children with a rich imagination can acutely perceive the issue of even the hypothetical death of a loved one. It is better not to talk to such children about difficult topics before going to bed, because the child will come up with a scary story and then wake up in tears from a nightmare. If your baby asks a question while he's going to bed, try to distract him with an answer like: “Yes, all people die, but first they live a long and happy life,” and then change the topic.
Repeat to your baby every time that you will try very hard to stay with him as long as possible, because you have so many things to do! You need to get him ready for school, do all his homework with him, go to all the competitions, celebrate graduation, and then you need to help him go to college, go to his wedding, babysit his kids. And although it is difficult for a small child to imagine such a distant future, this will calm him down.
Despite the fact that talking through fear helps fight it, talking alone is not enough. You can invite your child to draw a fear, and then destroy it - tear it up, burn it, shoot it with a pistol with bullets or using darts. In the end, you can kill fear with laughter - draw all sorts of funny things to this fear and laugh at its absurdity and helplessness. Of course, you cannot ask a child to draw a picture of his beloved grandfather dying, but it is necessary to depict fear in the form of some kind of monster or blot. Sand therapy helps fight fears well. You can look for such activities in your city and go there with your child.
The main thing that is required from loved ones is to give the child confidence in protection and that they understand him. Don’t roll your eyes in horror, don’t rebuke your baby with the phrase “How can you think about that!”, otherwise he will definitely become fixated on his fear. Talk to him calmly, as if there is nothing terrible about it. At the same time, you will overcome your fears, if you have any.
Does a child need to attend a funeral?
First of all, it depends on age. A very small child should not attend a burial or cremation - this is a difficult process even for an adult. After 7 years, you can ask the child himself if he wants to go to the funeral, be sure to ask again a little later. If the answer is yes, then you need to decide which of your loved ones will take on the responsibility of being with the child all the time, without being distracted by their own emotions.
If the child himself wants to attend the funeral, do not dissuade him, but explain in advance that some pictures at the funeral may shock him and seem scary (a grave, lowering the coffin into the ground or into the crematorium oven), but this is a natural process, and now there is no need to worry about the deceased. He will not be dark, cold, hot, scared or lonely there, because his soul has left his body. An invisible ghost flies somewhere nearby, waiting for us to say goodbye and release it to heaven.
After the funeral, try to quickly return to the normal rhythm of life, but do not expect your child to quickly come to terms with the absence of a beloved family member. According to psychologists, the pain of loss subsides after 8 weeks. If after this the child cannot return to normal life (he is tormented by nightmares, nocturnal enuresis, the theme of death can be seen in his games and drawings), it is worth contacting a child psychologist.
How children perceive death
The first age at which children begin to realize the finitude of life is four years. At first, children think about the possible loss of their loved ones, and only at 5-7 years old do they think about their own death. Until two years old, it makes no sense to talk about loss, because at this age children are not able to comprehend the very fact of death. During this period, it is best to turn the story of death into a fairy tale that will be more accessible to the child. In general, the attitude towards it depends on the mood of the family in which the child grows up. If the fact of loss is hushed up and hidden in every possible way, then the child will subconsciously consider it something terrible and dangerous, and he will develop a persistent, inescapable fear of death.
At the age of 9-10, children become aware of its presence; they are ready to accept the mortality of others, but do not yet apply it to themselves. They are dominated by the idea that death can be avoided if you are dexterous and smart, and even if it happens, it will not be very soon. And only in adolescence the inevitability of dying becomes obvious. This is why children at this age love to “flirt” with death: wear Gothic symbols and talk about it for a long time.
Possible reaction of the child
Should a child talk about death? Many people do not start a conversation with their child because they are afraid of a negative reaction to their words. But an acute reaction is extremely rare. Most often, children perceive the news of death more calmly than adults. They are more immersed in the current moment and do not live in the past, like adults, so they take the departure of a loved one as a given, which they are unable to change. Adults, focusing on their feelings, put off a heart-to-heart conversation until the last moment, only scaring the baby.
As a rule, children feel only a feeling of gratitude to those who explained the situation to them and brought them out of the grave feeling of ignorance. The most common reaction that children show when hearing about death is surprise. If a child encounters the concept of death for the first time, much remains incomprehensible to him, and he asks an adult to explain it. Pain and sadness come later, when the child is faced with the absence of a loved one in everyday life.
However, there are also acute reactions to the news of the death of a grandfather or grandmother. This often happens if the deceased was very close to the child. In this case, you may need the help of a child psychologist. This is especially true in cases where the child’s relatives themselves need help and cannot provide him with full support.
Results
How to tell a three-year-old child about the death of a grandparent? Be patient, honest and ready to answer all questions. Death is a natural course of life, it surrounds us and is visible in every natural process. After realizing the loss, a child may experience completely different feelings: anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness. The adult’s task is to support and help him survive this experience. In this case, he will form a correct idea of death, which will allow him to more easily cope with losses in the future.
Consultation “Non-childish conversations: how to tell a child about death?”
Oksana Timofeeva
Consultation “Non-childish conversations: how to tell a child about death?”
Non-childish conversations : how to tell a child about death ?
In every family, sooner or later there comes a time when the child begins to ask questions. At first these are completely harmless “whys”
and
“how
,” but the older the baby gets, the more serious problems worry him. And one day the baby will ask:
“Mom, why do people die?”
.
Most parents are not ready for such a conversation and are at a loss when answering. Although it is very important to discuss this topic correctly, to present everything to the child in such a way as not to create fears and to form the necessary views on the concepts of life and death .
When?
interest in such a phenomenon as death appear out of nowhere . Usually this is preceded by a loss in the family or among friends, or the baby may simply see a dead animal or pay attention to a frame in a film. Most often this happens between 3-5 years. It is during this period that the baby comes to the realization that all living things are dying.
It is very important to understand what prompted the child to ask questions . If this is the loss of a loved one, which the baby is going through hard, you need to structure the conversation as to explain what happened to the maximum, but at the same time not traumatize the child’s psyche with unnecessary details. On the contrary, your goal is to try to reassure, talk about death as a deliverance from illness (if the deceased person was sick, as a logical conclusion to a happy life (if an elderly person died)
. In general, navigate according to the situation. If the child asks out of pure curiosity, perhaps he will be satisfied with a general answer, and you can return to this topic in more detail when he gets older.
For what?
Indeed, why does such a baby need to know anything about death ? Let him live carefree for a couple more years, without thinking about such things. And about a dead bird we can say that it is sleeping, and the grandmother has gone on a long and distant business trip. Of course you can say that. But, firstly, the child will understand that you are lying, and will be nervous, trying to figure it out on his own. Secondly, the fear of death is necessary for a child . He "launches"
self-preservation mechanism.
Knowing that life is not eternal, that people die from some things, the baby will think about the consequences of his actions and the possible danger. Well, thirdly, if you avoid answering or deceive, and at this time the child is directly faced with death , this will become a double shock and shock for him.
How to react?
First of all, don't shy away from the conversation . If a child asks about death , it means he is ready to hear the answer. Another thing is that you may not be prepared for such an important conversation. If you feel that such a conversation is beyond your ability without prior preparation, ask for a deferment. “We will definitely talk about this, but in an hour”
or
“Let’s wait for dad and talk all together
.
Just don't put it off for too long. While you are “making up your mind
,” your baby may come up with answers for himself or dream up all sorts of horror movies, based on your frightened and uncertain reaction to his question.
The second prerequisite is your peace of mind. Under no circumstances show your child that his interest frightened you or took you by surprise. Seeing the mother’s fear, the baby may decide that he needs to be afraid too.
So take a deep breath, gather your thoughts - and go ahead!
How is it necessary?
1. Honestly. Tell it like it is. That sooner or later everyone dies, that someday both mom and dad will die, that the child will also someday end his life. But this will not happen soon, before that you still have a long and happy life ahead, the baby will grow up, he will have his own children, and you will have grandchildren.
2. Available. Speak in simple and understandable words for the baby. Do not go into descriptions of physiological details, do not dump a lot of information on the child. If he needs clarification, he will ask the necessary questions, which should be answered just as honestly and clearly. To begin with tell us that every person is born, grows, has children, then grandchildren. And when he becomes very old, he dies. The body is placed in a coffin and buried in a cemetery, and then flowers grow on the grave. Be sure to tell us that the soul of a person continues to exist, that a dead person does not leave forever - he goes to heaven (becomes an asterisk, or lives on a cloud, or use the version that corresponds to your religious beliefs, where he feels very good, and from there continues to send us your love. Come up with a story that will be understandable to the child , which will calm him down, but at the same time try not to give too much free rein to your imagination and not to invent something that does not exist. In any case, something that the child can check and refute (for example, do not promise that a deceased grandmother will come in dreams)
.
Try to ensure that the child treats death as a natural process associated not with pain and suffering, but with the beginning of another existence, better and higher.
Be sure to focus your baby’s attention on the fact that before he dies, he will live a long and happy life, that you will be together for a long, long time. 3. Answering the question why people die, tell them that most often this happens from old age. But don’t hide the fact that some people die earlier - from illness or accidents. At the same time, emphasize that you need to take care of yourself, get treatment for illnesses and be careful.
4. Another series of questions from the child will probably be related to the funeral ritual. tell as fully and clearly as possible how everything happens, to explain that people cry not because they feel sorry for the deceased, but because they are sad that they will not see him again. It may be worth pointing out that in some countries funerals are celebrated as a real holiday, where everyone rejoices and has fun. Some psychologists argue that a child who already knows what death can and should be taken with you to the cemetery to show how a funeral takes place. In my opinion, this is a rather controversial statement, but in reality you can only judge each individual child . This might actually be useful to someone.
Why not?
1. Deceptively reassuring. You cannot say phrases to your child such as: “You will never die”
or
“You will grow up and come up with a cure for
death . ” Why not - discussed above.
2. No need to use metaphors like “left us”
,
“fell asleep in eternal sleep
.
The child will take these words literally, and then will be afraid of separation (if grandfather left us and did not return, then mother, when she leaves, may not return either) or be afraid to sleep.
At the same time, well-chosen comparisons sometimes help the child more easily understand what is happening. 3. It should not be said that the soul of the deceased can return, or that he simply left for a long time - the child will wait for his return. But it can be explained that when a grandmother appears in dreams, for example, she says “hello”
from your new world.
Or come up with a legend that a rainbow is a grandmother’s smile. Or choose a bright star in the sky and imagine that this star is the relative that the child misses so much .
What will happen next?
After such an important conversation, the child’s behavior may change for some time. He can ask clarifying questions for a long time. In his games he will touch on the topic of death and funerals - this is normal. Not fully realizing the degree of danger of this or that phenomenon, the baby may ask: “Can you die from this wound? And from this? And if dad catches a cold, will he die? Don’t laugh at the naivety of such questions; it’s better to answer them in as much detail as possible: “You won’t die because you fell off the bench. But if you fall out of a window, you can die. Therefore, never climb onto the windowsill!”
Pay special attention to cartoons. Explain that only in fairy tales can a bunny have new legs sewn on, and after an explosion can he shake himself off and run on. This doesn't happen in real life, and it's dangerous.
Carefully monitor your baby's behavior. If your baby withdraws into himself and doesn’t sleep well at night, it means you explained something incorrectly, something scared him or is still scaring him. Talk to your child , find out what worries him. If necessary, repeat the conversation, clarifying the necessary points. It is important that the child is not left with any incomprehensible moments, so that he forms for himself a complete picture of how and why people die, what happens after death . Every unfilled "blank"
in this story there is a place for fears and anxieties.
I wish you that this important conversation will be calm, friendly and correct. And those who have already experienced this, please share your experience. I think everything will be interesting.
How to explain the concept of death
Children love to ask thousands of questions to adults - this is how they learn about the world. What should you tell your baby about death? After all, this phenomenon is very difficult for mature individuals to understand. So:
- Explain the reasons for what happened. Children feel safer if they know the specific cause of death.
- Stick to what you believe in yourself. In religious families, children are taught about the afterlife after death. In families of atheists, attention is concentrated on the physiological side of the issue.
- Explain to your child the feelings that accompany loss. After all, they are an integral part of the death of loved ones. If a child knows that it is normal to experience grief, pain and sadness, then in the future it will be much easier for him to bear the loss and express his emotions.
- Give examples from the outside world. From the age of three, the child perceives everything he can see. In nature, processes of dying and rebirth are constantly happening around us. For example, leaves fall every fall, but grow again in the spring. They are not the same as the old ones, but have the same shape and composition. After the child realizes this, you can move on to living forms of life. Insects and birds also die if they are overtaken by illness or old age. Fish “fall asleep” if left without water. If a child sees this natural course of things, in the future it will be easier for him to come to terms with the departure of loved ones.
An important factor for a child to understand the fact of death is a close emotional connection with the mother. Only in this case will the baby be able to cope with strong emotions.
