Karmic connection between mother and son
I realized this already as an adult, when I became a mother myself and had a son. Nikitin’s books, numerous educational games, endless Legos, fairy tales and various “why is that so?”, various construction sets have settled in our house for a long time. My son and I were always and everywhere together.
I studied with him and shared all his “secrets.” And I was also the first to know about my first love. We could talk for a long time... He had a very good quality, you could always come to an agreement with him.
And so he grew up, “cut the umbilical cord” and went into adulthood... And this is right, although sad.
Probably, many can say almost the same thing about the “mother and daughter” connection. But still, the “mother and son” connection is completely different. All scientific research confirms this.
Modern psychoanalysis
Modern experts for the most part agree that there is a connection between the Oedipus complex and the psychosexual development of a person. At the same time, a number of aspects of the classical theory put forward by Freud were still revised. The disagreement is mainly related to the possibility of developing such a deviation in girls, as well as the universality of this pathology and its biological component.
Recommendations for parents
A common mistake that many fathers make is to be too soft if they notice fear or a negative attitude on the part of their son. Such a reaction leads to a feeling of permissiveness and can be subconsciously regarded by the child as a sign of weakness.
This also applies to the mother, who may have certain problems in her relationship with her daughter. She must be able to show the strength of her character at the right moment, which will not allow a feeling of permissiveness to arise. When communicating and raising a son, it is important to maintain the right balance: you should not be afraid to show your love for your husband, but at the same time you need to pay due attention to the child and at the same time not highlight him against the father, which can lead to an incorrect understanding of roles within the family.
As practice shows, in most cases there is no equality in the family, since one of the parents always shows a certain leniency towards a child of the opposite sex. At the same time, the relationship between them is much simpler, which is explained by the lack of competition that arises between father and son or mother and daughter.
Below are some recommendations from experts that will make your relationship with your children easier and stronger:
- The period of experiencing the Oedipus complex is difficult not only for parents, but also for children. The child at this stage needs help and communication, which will allow him to understand that the mother or father is not exclusively his property.
- The child needs to be reassured; this will happen if he realizes that his parents know his problem, but they are not angry with him for it, but want to help.
- It is necessary to explain the roles within the family and the meaning of marriage. The knowledge that he will grow up and find himself a wife who will suit his age will ease his mental state.
- Parents should not allow their child to interfere in adult conversations, but this should be done gently.
- The child must be protected from observing sexual scenes or violent manifestations of emotions.
- You should not be rude towards any of the parents.
Why is this “mother + son” connection so surprising?
The success of children depends on the family they grew up in. And mother is the first guide and the very first woman through whom this little man learns about the world. No, this, of course, does not mean that you should run headlong to any scream at the first call.
Although here it is important that if a child cries, it means that something is wrong with him. A pediatrician once said that “before the age of one, it’s not your hands that should get tired, but your tongue.” You should always talk to your child. He should hear your voice, and a confident and calm one.
When raising a child, it is important to tell him more “yes” and “you can”, and not prohibit everything. Explain why it is “impossible” and how best to make it “possible”. These children are more successful in life, they are open to communication and there is more positivity in them too. And since the first person next to the son is his mother, he needs her the most until he is 3 years old.
Variations of the Oedipus complex
Today, many specialists in the field of psychoanalysis have changed their attitude towards the Oedipus complex, and they have introduced a number of their own elements into it, all of which will be discussed in more detail below.
Carl Gustav Jung
Jung repeatedly stated that the Oedipus complex, which was described in Freud's classical theory, could not be applied to describe a similar condition observed in girls. Freud believed that the deviation he described explained the homosexual attraction of girls to their own mothers, but Jung introduced a fundamentally new Electra complex, according to which girls are attracted to their fathers and do not perceive their mother.
Alfred Adler
Alfred Adler greatly developed Freud's theory regarding this disorder, pointing out that it did not take into account the influence of brothers or sisters on the development of pathology.
He made serious adjustments, using the terminology and basic concepts of his own school to describe the classic version of the Oedipus complex.
He considered spoiledness to be the main reason for such deviations, and the desire to take his father’s place was only one of its manifestations. He considered sexual attraction a secondary factor that arises due to rapid maturation and provocations from maternal caresses.
Erich Fromm
Erich Fromm agrees with Freud's statements on most issues related to this deviation. He offers only minor adjustments, believing that the child does not strive to take the place of the father, but becomes overly attached to the parents who protect him, while he is capable of experiencing attraction not only to the mother, and it is not in all cases of a sexual nature.
Conflicts that arise with the father are considered by Fromm exclusively as by-products of a patriarchal society, since every father considers the child to be his property. Considering this specific nature of the conflict, it cannot be associated with sexual competition for a place near the mother, since it is a manifestation of the desire to gain personal freedom and independence.
Melanie Klein
The Oedipus complex, according to Klein, is an attempt by Sigmund to minimize the importance of the mother in the process of forming the child’s personality and character. In addition, she actively criticized Freud for choosing a boy as the proposed model.
One of Klein's main conclusions is that it is possible to observe similar deviations in the relationship between child and parent even at an earlier stage. The reason for this is the negative mental state that the child experiences due to the cessation of breastfeeding.
Otto Rank
Otto Rank disagreed with Sigmund's position on a number of aspects, in particular, he rejected the relationship between the development of the superego and the father's castration threats.
He believed that this process is largely influenced by the image of a strict mother, which is a product of the child’s false perception of reality.
He also believed that the cause of most of the manifestations of nervousness is the trauma of birth, which occurs after rejection from the mother's womb. In many ways, Rank agreed with Fromm, in particular in his assumptions that there is no sexual competition between father and son.
Karen Horney
Karen Horney viewed the Oedipus complex in a completely different way and actively criticized Freud's classical theory. Her assumption was that the occurrence of such a deviation occurs solely due to processes occurring within the family and errors in upbringing.
First of all, they lie in the fact that the child may witness various scenes of a sexual nature or experience pressure from the mother, who is trying to tie him to herself.
Research on jokes
The University of Sheffield conducted a study into how children can tell the difference between a joke and their parents' pretense using certain cues.
For example, if you joke with a child from 6 months, and not always be too serious, then this child will develop more quickly among his peers than one whose parents had a too serious approach to education. From the age of 1.5 years, a child can already distinguish an adult’s joke, and this child’s ability will help him develop his imagination and sense of humor.
Away with selfishness
How to improve your relationship with your adult son? First of all, you need to think about him, and not about yourself, because the happiness of the child for any parent should come first. And if your son, for example, decides to move to another apartment or even go to another city, you shouldn’t think about how bad it will be for you without him. It’s better to think that he should be better off there, since he made such a decision.
Inconsistent or too random formation can increase the problem. This always requires an appropriate assessment. It's scientifically safe. You can know this for yourself and believe in your relief. What others in your circle and in the public say should be ignored and perhaps not put on that shoe.
Where do we, as parents, find help and advice?
Unfortunately, there are too few references and contacts for parents. If you are in a child and adolescent psychiatry practice, then you may have experienced that you will receive a 20-minute parent talk every quarter. Every day questions, problems and new problems arise when parents need advice.
Energy and emotional connection “mother + son”
When a woman raises a girl, she raises one “like herself.” Everything is clear there both with education and with toys. It's different with boys. A woman's relationship with her son looks a little different. In this relationship between mother and son, this is the first woman with whom he meets the world, and he will always, and even as an adult, compare this relationship.
The way a woman-mother will be in this relationship is how your son will perceive women, “through the prism” of his relationship with you. Therefore, your emotions, thoughts, desires, and your relationship with your husband are important here. The child sees all this and how he feels next to you, and what your attitude towards your son is, all this will then unconsciously influence his choice of a companion in life in the future.
Scientists from Washington studied the influence of this connection on the brain for 7 years and proved that in those sons where the mother more often encouraged and emotionally satisfied (admired) the child, the hippocampus at the age of 13 was 10% larger in sons than in other children. And the hippocampus is responsible for memory, learning, and how a child experiences stressful conditions and builds communications.
A woman unwittingly creates for her son “his male happiness.” And if your life is constantly filled with anxiety and fears, then your son will not have confidence in life, and it will be difficult for him to build relationships.
Period 3-5 years
The age of a child from 3 to 5 years is considered quite difficult, since most boys face difficult internal contradictions to overcome.
They may see their father as their main competitor and rival, but at the same time he can also be a role model for them.
This age is characterized by an active desire to obtain a position in the family on an equal basis with their parents, disobedient behavior, and a desire for personal manifestation. This is caused by a reluctance to be a child for one’s mother, but to be on an equal footing with the father or take his place.
The contradiction lies in the fact that at the same time the father is also an exemplary model of behavior, since he has already managed to win the mother’s favor, which allowed him to be near her.
At this time, the participation of the father in the process of raising the child is of great importance, since he shapes the masculinity of his son, regardless of whether he sees him as a mentor or a rival. At the subconscious level, the child always retains the awareness that he does not have the right to take the place of his father. This contributes to the emergence of fear - if the father finds out about his aspirations, punishment will follow.
All the processes described gradually lead to the formation of a serious internal conflict. Depending on the timing and methods of its resolution, character traits in adulthood will be determined, and this will also have a certain impact on relationships with other people, regardless of their gender.
The role of the mother in such a situation is also very significant, since she must give up the position of favorite that her son assigned her. This will contribute to the correct distribution of roles within the family, as well as their awareness by the child, who must understand that he is its youngest member, but no less loved for this fact.
Son inherits brain genes from mother
In 1984, a study was conducted in Cambridge on the inheritance of intelligence from mother to son.
The genes for “intelligence” are located on the X chromosome, which is inherited through the maternal line.
“Mental abilities are transmitted by genes that are linked to the X chromosome, and women have TWO copies of them, while men have only one,” writes The Independent.
Research has shown that paternal genes, inherited, are responsible for survival, aggression, sex, and all of them are located in the limbic system. But maternal genes are located in the brain in the cerebral cortex and are responsible for cognitive functions: speech, thinking, awareness and action planning.
In a study on mice, it was proven that if maternal genes are more expressed, then the head is large and the body is small, and if male, then vice versa. This is a difference in physiology.
The main reason for problems in relations with my son
The root of evil is improper upbringing and lack of attention at the right time. Is your son insulting you? This means that you yourself allowed him to do this, did not fight back, and put the brakes on bad behavior. Or they missed the moment when the son got involved with bad company and started drinking, and alcohol corrupts.
Or another example is a divorce, after which the mother removes the father from raising his son.
The boy needs his dad and begins to blame his mom. No matter how immeasurable her love is, there are things that are passed on only from man to man: the ability to drive a nail and nail a shelf, to show courage, to take responsibility, and so on. A unique cross-section of relationships is the period of adolescence. Difficulties arise with any teenager, but if mutual understanding and trust have not previously been achieved, the situation within the family becomes especially tense. Children stop appreciating their mother’s instructions and attach more importance to the opinions of their classmates, for which they are greatly offended and try in every possible way to crush the child under themselves (the analogy of a hen with chickens).
