Telling a child that their parents are getting a divorce is not easy. This conversation may be one of the most difficult in your life. Even if adults understand that divorce is inevitable, they constantly quarrel or have already separated altogether, children cannot even imagine the breakdown of the family. After all, they have lived with you since birth, this is natural for them, but it cannot be any other way.
Many people think that divorce is an everyday matter, everything will soon get better, and in a couple of years the child will forget about what they told him. Psychologists explain that the decisive conversation will be remembered forever. There is no way to make a divorce between mom and dad painless for a child. There is no universal method that would allow a child to more easily cope with the separation of his parents. You can formulate certain rules of behavior that often help, but they need to be adjusted taking into account the characteristics of the family.
Come together for a conversation
It is important to talk with the child together in order to focus his attention that the decision was made by both parents, and in the current situation there is no right or wrong.
Explain to your child that neither mom nor dad should be blamed for the divorce. At the same time, tell them that one of the parents will move out of the apartment, but will still be there to support them in difficult times. When you talk together, your baby feels more comfortable because he still has the feeling of being a complete family.
At the same time, it is important that spouses communicate respectfully not only with the child, but also with each other. Remember that you are having this conversation primarily for your son or daughter. It’s definitely not worth sorting things out and throwing mutual reproaches at such a difficult moment.
Children with an age difference of several years
If there is more than one child in a family, and there is a big difference between them, what should you do? How to tell your children about divorce in this case? It is better to have a conversation with each individual separately. Since an older child understands everything better and can react more impulsively. With younger children the conversation will be much easier. It is possible that the conversation will be repeated as you grow older. Under no circumstances should you blame anyone for your divorce. Children should see that their parents remain on good terms.
Speak simply and concisely
Try to speak more simply, give examples that the child can understand. He should not have false hopes and a feeling of unsaidness. Therefore, there are no omissions.
You can say, for example, like this: “You noticed that your dad and I often quarreled. We decided that we would no longer live together. In a few weeks, dad will move from us to grandma. You will always be able to see him whenever you want, and you will spend every Saturday together. Mom and dad love you equally much, both will always be with you. This is not your fault."
If you can’t answer every question, then try to explain that everything will definitely be fine, and you can find a way out of every difficult situation together.
What to do next?
If a family has to go through a divorce, the child’s exact reaction cannot be predicted. Each baby is a separate personality. Some may react calmly and cry into their pillow at night. And there are also children who themselves become a support for their mother and help her survive the divorce. And it is right. It is necessary for the child to feel needed. You can even ask the mother herself to be a support, saying that without his help it will be difficult for her.
The most important thing is that you should not make any other important life changes at this time. For example, moving to another city. The child should have at least some kind of permanence, for example, school, kindergarten. It is better to wait with changes in life. There is no need to rush to introduce the baby to the new dad. You need to let the child get used to it. At first, try to pay more attention to the baby. Sometimes it is enough to increase the walking time by half an hour.
What you can't talk about
To make the conversation as comfortable as possible for all participants, psychologists recommend not hiding the truth from the child, not exacerbating conflicts, and treating each other with respect. Follow a number of simple rules:
- In no case can you say that you no longer have warm feelings for each other. So the baby may think that you, too, will one day stop loving him and will be even more upset at the thought that he may be left completely alone.
- Protect your child from unpleasant details. It’s definitely not worth talking about betrayal and financial difficulties.
- One of the parents should not become a victim in your son or daughter’s mind, and the other should not become a tyrant, so do not talk about each other’s bad traits.
- Don’t ask who the baby is more attached to and don’t try to “buy” his love with sudden concessions in discipline and expensive gifts.
Parents' mistakes
The dissolution of a marriage causes suffering for all family members. You must try to contain your emotions and not throw out the accumulated negativity on your child.
In order not to traumatize the child’s psyche, it is necessary to strive to exclude:
- open quarrels;
- communication through a child;
- attempts to force repair of broken relationships;
- ignoring feelings and fears.
Teenagers, and even children, are not ready to take part in the conflict between their parents. There is no need to drag them into disputes, making the latter an object of division. The decision to divorce is yours!
The younger the children, the less details
Children under seven years old cannot immediately understand what happened ; the news reported by their parents simply baffles them. Often, after experiencing stress, preschool children have problems sleeping - they are tormented by insomnia or nightmares. The child may continue to fantasize that the parents will reunite and live together. Therefore, do not overload the conversation with details, explain everything clearly, briefly and simply.
Children after seven years begin to understand the situation better. They become more angry and offended, and often take the side of one of the parents. For your child to understand you, tell him about your emotions and feelings. Explain that this decision was difficult for both parents, that you understand his feelings and are also very upset.
The separation of mom and dad causes trauma at any age.
For teenagers, such news can also cause severe stress. Some will start crying and screaming at their parents, while others, on the contrary, will try to survive the psychological trauma on their own, closing in on themselves.
Try to ask leading questions, casually leading the teenager into a frank conversation in order to listen to him and understand what is going on in the child’s soul.
How do children feel after their parents' divorce?
One should not hope that they will easily survive the collapse of the family. It's like suddenly switching from one mode of life to another. They feel lonely, so you should pay more attention to them.
It is important to allow emotions to develop so that children survive the divorce, and do not simply ignore what is happening, expecting that the parents will soon reconcile. You need to listen to your fears and help cope with them.
At first, you should try to spend a lot of time together with the whole family so that the transition to separate residence of mom and dad becomes less painful.
Explain to your child that he is loved and it is not his fault.
The main thing that your child must understand is that, regardless of the circumstances, both parents love him as much as before, and he is not to blame for what happened. Explain that the parents will no longer be husband and wife, but no matter what, they will remain loving parents - the divorce will not affect feelings for him in any way, the baby will always have two houses where they are waiting for him at any time.
The topic of divorce is not an easy one. It can be very difficult to prepare for a confidential conversation with a child. Try to support the child as much as possible at this moment. If you need help, do not be afraid to seek advice from friends who have successfully completed similar tests, or sign up for a consultation with a psychologist.
What happens to the child. How does divorce affect children?
It is easier to understand how to behave and what to say if you understand how the parents’ divorce affects the child.
It has been proven that the separation of spouses brings less moral distress to a child than daily observation of parents’ quarrels. It has been proven that it is better for a child to live with one, but happy parent, than with two unhappy ones. Of the two evils, the child’s psyche clearly prefers divorce to constant tension in the family.
There is no “ideal” age for experiencing a divorce - a child will experience it in any case, whether at four, fourteen, or twenty-four.
It is difficult for children to accept the news and conversations about the separation of their parents. Therefore, you should not expect fun games or normal behavior from your child. Most likely, the child will begin to behave differently: play more or less, cry more often or laugh more often, become more aggressive or sensitive to aggression. All this is normal behavior of a child who is experiencing a parental divorce. Be patient and give him time.
Top tip
The ninth and most important piece of advice is: “A family is not a Lego set - once it’s broken, you can’t put it back together...”
Adults are also a little children, only their toys are different. In a fit of anger, being offended, misunderstanding or believing in something that actually does not exist, you can do a lot of stupid things. Therefore, you should not file for divorce rashly. And you shouldn’t threaten your other half with divorce just to hurt her more during a quarrel. What if he/she doesn’t understand that this is not serious and takes the threat literally?
Perception of news
There are many reasons for divorce. Sometimes the source of the gap is the impossibility of spouses living together: there is a feeling of hatred. The reason for divorce may be betrayal, disrespect from a partner, alcoholism, sexual dissatisfaction, or unreasonable jealousy. Reactions and impressions vary depending on the age and character of the baby. Have a significant impact on how to explain divorce to a child while preserving the child's feelings.
- Babies 6 - 24 months old do not understand what is happening. Later, the father's absence will be noticed. The situation will have a particularly negative impact on the offspring, to whom the man paid enough attention and care. The baby will become capricious. The only way out of this situation is for the mother to show more attention. This advice from psychologists works in any stressful situations.
- Children aged 2–4 years show an increased sense of fear from loneliness. Anxiety leads to poor, restless sleep. An attachment to a toy or object may appear. Parents do not need to react sharply and negatively - this will pass.
- An offspring of 4–5 years old may show aggression. An increased level of anxiety is noticeable.
- Children aged 5–7 years have the most dynamic level of impressionability. The child is able to fully perceive the scale of what is happening. Experiences strong worries about his own future. Stress often slows down the baby’s reactions and leads to decreased attentiveness. You cannot take advantage of the situation and throw out negative feelings on the child.
Only children experience divorce acutely. Having an older sibling helps alleviate stress.
An adult brother and sister know how to explain their parents’ divorce to a child—they themselves experience a similar situation, but from the perspective of an adult. Older offspring may accept parental choice.
If, due to a negative situation, the baby develops health complications (insomnia, decreased appetite), consultation with doctors is necessary. It is imperative to visit a pediatrician or child psychologist.
When to tell your child about divorce
You should speak as soon as the final decision is made. If you are still in the process - either moved in together or separated, then inform only when it is known what decision you have come to.
There is no point in delaying, because children still feel that something bad is happening and it cannot be hidden. But if you don’t discuss the situation in the family with them at all, then they complete the unknown reality, come up with their own explanations, imagine consequences and fantasize about the causes. And these fantasies can be much more frightening than the truth, and have much more serious consequences for the psyche in the form of phobias and neuroses.
If you divorced your husband before the baby was born or when he was very young, you do not need to wait until three, seven or eighteen years to tell “the whole truth.” He will find out sooner or build a whole palace of fables from his fantasies. There won't be a right time. Initially, there should be no secret; tune in to an atmosphere of openness in the family. Every month and year it will become more and more difficult to talk about the absence of a father.
Plan a conversation not right before bed, school, kindergarten or club - not when you are in a hurry. Better move it to the weekend so you have time to be together. After the discussion, plan something together: a walk, a movie, something calm.
Control over emotions
Divorce is always preceded by quarrels between spouses, a showdown in raised voices, and there are also hysterics, sobs and other extremely unpleasant scenes. At such moments, parents often forget that their child is watching all this, who reacts twice as sharply to every offensive word, who misunderstands a lot of what is said, but feels and lets through all the emotional and negative outbursts. He cries with his mother, freaks out with his father, he is scared and lonely. At such moments, children, especially those of younger preschool age, are on the verge of despair and suffer greatly.
The third piece of advice would be: “You need to control yourself, keep your emotions under control, and keep your mouth shut.”
If you can’t restrain yourself, then a sedative and grandmothers can help, to whom it is recommended to send your son or daughter for the time of sorting out the relationship and summing up the results. In extreme cases, gadgets can become a lifesaver - you need to go to different rooms (away from the child) and silently, with a smile on your face, express everything to each other in the form of messages.
Timing
Second piece of advice: “You can’t announce a divorce spontaneously; it’s important to choose the timing responsibly.”
Before telling such unpleasant news to the younger generation of the family, you need to prepare properly - calm down yourself, make sure that everything is fine with the child, that is, he is not sick, has not quarreled with friends, has no problems at school, and so on. It is better to sacrifice your freedom for several days or months than to ruin your child’s life, rewarding him with nervous breakdowns and complexes, and yourself with a feeling of guilt.
Convenient moment for conversation
Attention! The articles describe typical ways to resolve legal issues, but each case is unique. If you want to find out how to solve your particular problem - and get a free consultation:
The moment of conversation must be chosen carefully.
Delaying explanations of the situation and debugging the conversation is to the detriment of the child. Information about family breakdown must come from first-hand accounts. Neighbors are the worst “informants” who have a negative impact on the correct perception of the news. The spouse has filed for divorce and is planning to move – the conversation must take place immediately. The news heard before his father moved will knock the teenager out of his psychological balance. The baby will not be able to withstand stress or adequately perceive information. For your emotional state, it is important to start a conversation 5-10 days before the move.
