“When a person is hungry, he becomes angry and aggressive”
Maria Prokhorova
psychologist, accredited gestalt therapist
– This type of behavior, such as rudeness, is typical for people who are bitter, embittered and offended by the whole world. Most often, they grew up in a deficit of parental love and conditions of emotional hunger. And, having matured, such people act from the same deficit state, see the surrounding reality distorted and react very sharply to it.
A person in a state of completeness is happy with everything. He has no desire to notice the bad, to defend himself from the outside world and to be rude to passers-by - this is the lot of unhappy people.
A trivial example: when a person is hungry, he becomes angry and aggressive. And after physical hunger is satisfied, a person becomes kinder, softer, more accommodating. And in the case of emotional hunger, everything is the same.
Why are people rude
In order to understand the reasons for boorish behavior, it is worth turning to parent-child scenarios and looking at the life context and conditions in which a person grew up: an adult demonstrates what he once saw. As a child, his psyche adopted certain patterns of behavior - consciously or unconsciously - and now he lives according to them.
In fact, rudeness is an acquired behavior that a person chooses for himself as the most suitable. This way he can simply defend himself . Protect your insecure, complex, wounded inner child, who himself needs help, but cannot demonstrate his own vulnerability, because he is afraid that the environment will use his weakness against him. Therefore, he uses attack as a method of defense.
It can be assumed that either there was physical or moral violence in this person’s family, or he was bullied at school - teenagers can be very cruel in their manifestations. And if this continues for years, then the child somehow absorbs patterns of behavior - and can subsequently reproduce them.
Concept of rudeness in the workplace
Rudeness at work includes all cases of unethical and rude behavior of colleagues or superiors. This behavior occurs during work hours and may be related to work processes or personal relationships among employees.
Boorish behavior at work includes:
- rudeness in communication;
- familiarity;
- insults;
- abuse of authority.
Both newcomers and regular employees encounter similar phenomena.
How to react to rudeness? It is useless to switch to the language of a boor
Most often , the first thing you want to do is respond to rudeness just as aggressively. And this is a normal reaction, which indicates that everything is fine with your internal boundaries, you feel their violation and can put the offender in his place, making it clear that you cannot do this to you.
However, in such a situation, it is worth remembering that switching to the language of a boor is useless - a constructive dialogue with him is impossible, and reading lectures and appealing to a sense of shame is a waste of time. This will only be an additional hook for the boor to further develop the conflict, feed on your energy and pump up his own ego.
In such a situation, it is best to restrain your impulse to respond with disgust to disgust , take a conditional step back and try to see what is actually hidden behind the mask of a boor. And if you manage to see, then the desire to be rude will immediately disappear, replaced by pity, sympathy and, perhaps, even compassion.
Instead of responding with rudeness, it is better to say something that will surprise, affect the boor, and change the picture of his world, in which all people are enemies and need to be protected from them. After showing kindness on your part, the boor's behavior will paradoxically change. For another minute or two, out of inertia, he will bite and defend himself, but then one way or another he will turn to his human nature, become softer and begin to demonstrate a completely different self.
Learn to relax
To make routine duties and boring actions cause you less irritation and rejection, try to disrupt the usual course of things, at least in small ways.
Otherwise, communicating with people, especially with visitors to your establishment or clients, can turn into real torture for you. Their unpleasant manners and last-ditch actions will suddenly break your patience. Then from a friendly person you can instantly turn into a neurotic. And the consequences can greatly damage your career. Therefore, we will immediately agree that annoying routine little things can seriously interfere with proper communication with people.
Let's say, if you are a seller, start laying out goods from different shelves. And during the prescribed break, either drink tea or just go outside and breathe some air. And if, for example, you are a taxi driver, try to choose different routes to the final destination. In general, figure out what and how you can change to make it psychologically easier for you.
When you come home after work, take off, like a uniform, other people’s worries and problems that you were burdened with at the workplace. To do this, be sure to change your outfit to home clothes - comfortable and cozy, take a shower or at least wash your face. Then take a break of 15-30 minutes to be alone with yourself and relax.
Do some special relaxation exercise
. For example, this:
- Sit in a chair, take a comfortable position, place your hands on your knees and close your eyes.
- Gradually relax the muscles from top to bottom, starting from the forehead, cheeks, lips, neck and ending with the calves and feet.
- At the same time, imagine, for example, that you are warmed by the rays of the gentle spring sun. You feel warm, calm and pleasant.
- Breathe evenly, and when you feel better, inhale deeply, then hold your breath and exhale vigorously.
- After this, immediately open your eyes.
Three reactions: fight, flight, freeze
People can have different reactions to stressful situations, but the most common are three: fight, flight or freeze.
The “run” option is good if you encountered a boor for a couple of minutes and life will no longer connect you - that is, he is an ordinary passer-by, and not a relative or work colleague. In such a situation, it is better to take care of yourself and ignore the attack, bypass it and not think about it. It is important to understand that this is done on purpose, and the insults that arrive have nothing to do with you - this person is seeing you for the first time.
The “hit” option (that is, answer) is appropriate if you feel your own strength and stability. However, it is important to take into account the context of the situation: getting into an argument with a boor while being one on one with him can be dangerous. The offensive behavior is best used in a public place where you can enlist the support of others. Moreover, you need to answer not in the language of a boor, but from your own stable position, simply outlining the boundaries of what is permitted in your address.
The “freeze” reaction rather indicates that you yourself are finding yourself in a traumatic situation. If in response to rudeness and aggression you freeze, cannot say or do anything, you are immobilized, most likely you need qualified psychological help. Perhaps at this moment you are regressing to the age of a child - and then it is important to determine what was in your history that you could not cope with.
In general, the best reaction to rudeness is humor. A condescending attitude towards an attempt to ruin your mood and a sarcastic response will confuse the boor, and will help you keep your self-esteem in balance.
Procedure
If the honor or dignity of the individual is humiliated, the offender can be brought to administrative or criminal liability, as well as receive compensation for moral damage. Procedure:
- collection of evidence that will confirm the fact of insult. Audio or video files and witness statements are used as evidence. If there is information posted on social networks or the Internet, as well as sent by mail, scans of the specified pages will be required. If the violation occurred in a room with a security camera, you can take a video recording. It will be attached to the case file;
- drawing up a complaint or report indicating the date of the incident, as well as all data, including personal information about the offender;
- appealing to the court for compensation for moral damage, to the prosecutor's office for prosecution, or submitting a memo to senior management, if any, or to the trade union.
Important! To contact the trade union or the boss, a memo is sufficient. When applying to the court, a claim form must be completed according to the standard, and when applying to the authorities, it is necessary to fill out the application correctly.
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How to file a complaint?
The standard version of the application is used as a complaint. But in addition, you need to specify several mandatory points:
- the time frame of the offense, including the exact time and date. In case of systematic violations, it will also be necessary to indicate all recorded facts;
- details of the offender, that is, the official is indicated, as well as his personal information;
- the fact itself is written down. Fact means full disclosure of actions;
- request for accountability.
When going to court, a standard claim form is used. It is also important to fully evaluate the person's actions and provide specific facts about why their words or actions were offensive.
Where should I submit it?
Most organizations have a number of ethics rules, which allows you to file complaints with senior management when moral harm is caused by other employees, including those higher in position. Another two options are the courts; in particular, a lawsuit is filed if it is necessary to recover damages caused by insult.
According to the Code of Administrative Offenses, it is advisable to immediately make an appeal to the prosecutor's office.
Important! Together with the complaint, a full package of evidence is submitted, which can be expressed in any form. This is necessary for further consideration of the case. Without an evidence base, a citizen may be refused due to the lack of a confirmed fact.
If there is no evidence in the form of audio or video recordings, then it is mandatory to provide written testimony of witnesses, who may later be summoned to court.
Sample
A memorandum and a complaint to the court for consideration of a civil case are standard. The complaint is drawn up according to a special template.
Sample:
Sample report for an employee
What to do if they are rude to someone nearby?
It is important to understand both the context of the situation and your own reaction to rudeness. “Hit” and “flight” indicate that you have enough inner strength to resist rudeness and be a support to another person. In this case, you can become the very “adult” whose support the victim now lacks. Therefore, if you see that the person being attacked is not able to get out of a traumatic situation on his own, you can protect and support him.
This behavior will also be a lesson for the attacker, who will be able to see that not everyone is an enemy, but that there are also kind people who are ready to help.
If this is not an isolated incident with an ordinary passer-by, but situations are repeated regularly (for example, someone is constantly offended at work), then a very dangerous situation can turn out in which the victim will always take a weak position, the offender will act out the role of the aggressor, and you - the role of a rescuer. And this situation will be impossible to change, because each participant will play the same roles over and over again. Moreover, a person in the position of a victim will not evolve - and you, despite the best intentions, will do him a disservice.
In such a situation, it is better to talk to the victim, show that you understand how difficult it is for her, and advise him to seek help from a psychologist who will help examine what is happening and teach him how to find a way out of such situations and protect himself. It is important for a person to “grow himself up” a little, to find internal resources and strength that will allow him to cope with difficulties and get out of any situation with dignity.
Signs of an unhealthy team
Rudeness at work in many cases is a consequence of poor management. People in a team unite into a single organism. The behavior of one employee affects the work of others. To respond to rudeness, determine the reason for its occurrence. You need to start with an analysis of the working climate.
Rudeness flourishes where business ethics are forgotten. It’s easy to identify an unhealthy team. Its main features:
Indifference of employees to work, relationships among colleagues, events in the business life of the team. It is easy to say rudeness if a person does not respect and value colleagues, subordinates or superiors. Nervousness and irritability. Appears in teams with ineffective organization of work and rest. Stress reduces the level of self-control and rudeness breaks out. Envy of other people's successes. In a group of envious people and gossipers, whispers behind your back and obvious rudeness in your face are commonplace. Rejection of new team members. Stagnation turns out to be a guarantor of stability. A new employee is a headache and a harbinger of change. It’s easier to crush a newbie with rudeness. Shifting responsibility. In case of trouble, team members blame each other, awakening aggression in their ranks. Difficult relationship with the manager. The boss sets the vector of business communication. If he is rude to his subordinates, then an unfavorable psychological situation will develop among the employees.
In such a situation, the only effective way out is to treat the team. You won’t be able to resist the crowd alone; it will demolish and crush the daredevil. If you value your job and position, you will have to accept animal laws and start strengthening your nervous system. When you have nothing to lose, act: transfer to another hotel, start looking for a new job.
What motivates boors? Such a person most often thinks poorly of himself
Most often, a person with boorish behavior is guided by his fears: being rejected, being left alone, being misunderstood - this is difficult, this is another psychological trauma. And, in order to prevent it, a person, using such a crooked method, defends himself.
With the help of feigned rudeness and rudeness, a person masks his own self-doubt and low self-esteem. Through bravado and outrageousness, he tries to avoid direct contact with others, in which he can reveal his real self. And such a person most often thinks poorly about himself - that’s why he is afraid that he will be rejected and not accepted.
That is, if I myself am afraid of something, I will strenuously demonstrate the opposite in order to certainly create the desired impression of myself. In this case, a person can doom himself to loneliness - embittered and rude people do not have many friends. Around him will be gathered either people like him, or weak people, “subordinates”, who will look up to him and feed his ego.
In addition, there may be an illusion that rudeness is a sign of strength and power, an attribute of the “higher stratum” of society: supposedly people who have achieved something can afford such behavior. And a person who wants to join this layer and position himself as successful and self-confident can indulge in boorish behavior, letting others know that they are nobody and can be treated like that.
Behind the mask of a boor and a brute is a child
It is important to understand that behind the mask of a boor and a rude person is a child. The physiological age of this person can be absolutely any, but psychologically he is obviously stuck in his childhood years - in the period when an injury occurred that he could not cope with.
The position of an adult is to be tactful, confident, and communicate with people on the same plane. The boor is trying in every possible way to achieve his superiority and show that he is taller and cooler, although inside he feels exactly the opposite, and this leads to conflict.
Most often, such a person needs help, although he himself does not realize it, being confident that everything is fine with him, he is coping with everything and has everything under control. Life is not easy for him among ordinary people.
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Photo: from the heroine’s personal archive.
Why should rudeness be stopped?
Rudeness should be stopped.
With such people, the main thing is to be able to stand up for yourself. Why should rudeness be stopped?
- Don't give these people any reason to think that they can get away with anything, because they will immediately automatically exalt themselves to the skies, naively believing that they are higher and more important than the people around them.
- Boors, as a rule, are cowards who hide behind the mask of a kind of daring, self-confident person who can do anything, always and everywhere.
- They passionately try to be just like that, and therefore, using caustic words, they try to convince not only you, but also themselves.
Therefore, rudeness must be stopped by always responding to offensive words.
